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Title: How to Pick a Mate: The Guide to a Happy Marriage

Author: Clifford R. Adams
Vance Packard

Release date: February 22, 2022 [eBook #67472]
Most recently updated: October 18, 2024

Language: English

Original publication: United States: E. P. Dutton & Company, 1946

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How to Pick a Mate

H O W TO
P I C K A MAT E
THE GUIDE
TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

BY
DR. CLIFFORD R. ADAMS
Associate Professor of Psychology and Director
of the Marriage Counseling Service, Pennsylvania
State College. Member of the American
Association of Marriage Counselors. Director
of the Woman’s Home Companion Marriage
Clinic.

AND

VANCE O. PACKARD
Staff Writer, The American Magazine

NEW YORK
E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY, INC.
1946

Copyright, 1946, by E. P. Dutton & Co., Inc.
All rights reserved. Printed in the U.S.A.

FIRST EDITION

no part of this book may be reproduced
in any form without permission in writing
from the publisher, except by a reviewer
who wishes to quote brief passages in connection
with a review written for inclusion in
magazine or newspaper or radio broadcast.

To
OUR TWO DAUGHTERS
and
OUR TWO SONS
Who Have Yet to Pick Their Mates

Contents
PAGE
List of Tests 9
Foreword 11
CHAPTER
I. Why Marry, Anyhow? 15
II. Your Chances of Getting a Mate You’ll Like 23
III. Are You Ready for Married Love? 38
IV. Is It Love—or Infatuation? 47
V. Growing Up Sexually 55
VI. Sex Adventuring 63
VII. Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away? 74
VIII. Attracting the One You Want 83
IX. Is the One You Want the One You Need? 91
X. Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage 98
XI. Test Your Mate and Yourself 107
XII. Now, See How You Match as a Couple! 124
XIII. Beware of Mixed Marriages 139
XIV. Nine Dangerous Characters 146
XV. People Who Should Not Marry at All 156
XVI. Will a Job Undermine Your Marriage? 165
XVII. The Veteran as a Mate 174
XVIII. So You Agree to Marry: What Next? 183
XIX. Getting Ready for Married Intimacy 189
XX. Getting Off to a Good Start 195
After Thoughts 204
Appendix A: Selected Bibliography 206

Appendix B: Marriage Counseling Agencies 211
Index 213

List of Tests
CHAPTER PAGE
II. 1.What Is Your Expectancy of Marriage? 35
III. 2.Are You Old Enough to Marry? 44
III. 3.Are You Grown Up Emotionally? 44
IV. 4.Are You Really in Love? 52
VI. 5.Are You Warm or Cool by Nature? 72
VII. 6.Do You Have a Negative or Positive Personality? 81
VIII. 7.What Traits to Look for in Mates (check list) 87
X. 8.Ten Basic Background Questions 100
XI. 9.Sociability 107
XI. 10.Conformity 108
XI. 11.Tranquillity 109
XI. 12.Dependability 110
XI. 13.Stability 111
XI. 14.Standards and Ideals 112
XI. 15.Steadiness 113
XI. 16.Flexibility 114
XI. 17.Seriousness 114
XI. 18.Family Background 115
XI. 19.Prediction of Individual Marital Happiness (Composite) 116
XII. 20.Do You Match? 127
XII. 21.Are You Well Mated? 136
XIV. 22.Are You Too Jealous? 154
XV. 23.Is the Mate a Neurotic? 163
Appendix A. Books You May Wish to Read 206
Appendix B. Marriage Counseling Agencies 211

Foreword
As far as we know this is the first time anyone has written a book
attempting to put mate selection on a sensible basis, despite the fact that
sooner or later almost everybody selects one.
A good many people resent the idea of an outsider telling them how they
should pick a mate. They think it smacks of meddling. Marriage is
something sacred and personal. It should not be done according to rules. We
heartily sympathize.
Unfortunately, however, marriages are not made in Heaven. Usually
people marry by hunch or impulse ... or because their parents think it is a
good match ... or because they get themselves so deeply involved
romantically that marrying seems the only proper thing to do.
Too frequently such methods merely mess up a couple of people’s lives.
More than a third of all the millions of marriages undertaken in the last ten
years are in trouble. Many are already dissolved. Many more soon will be.
A great deal of research and counseling has now been done in the field of
marriage, and the findings validated. At Penn State, for example, hundreds
of couples who were tested before marriage at the Marriage Counseling
Service are checked periodically after marriage to find how they are making
out. Of all the marriages which the service predicted would be successful,
not one has yet ended in divorce or separation. Most of the people who
went ahead despite the clinic’s cautions are already in serious trouble or
have been divorced.
As a result of many such investigations, reliable information is available
on the kinds of people who make the best mates, and on the causes of

marriage success and failure.
In this book we have tried to include those findings which should be most
helpful and interesting to all people involved in love or marriage—but
particularly to people who sooner or later will be taking unto themselves a
mate. It is not our intention to lay down a set of rules for people to follow.
But we hope that after reading this book you will be more enlightened in
your hunches than you might be otherwise, and be a much happier and
more desirable mate yourself!

How to Pick a Mate

Chapter I
Why Marry, Anyhow?
Mating is as old as Eve. In fact it is the oldest and most popular custom ever
devised by mankind. Even in the most isolated tribes that explorers have
uncovered on this globe adult males pair up with females to live together as
man and wife.
In many areas of the world, it is true, marriages are still arranged by the
elders, often at a neat financial profit to the bride’s parents. Freedom of
choice in mating is a newfangled idea. And in Madagascar the groom is
warned at the wedding that he can beat the bride all he pleases, but if he
breaks any bones or gouges any eyes she has a perfect right to go home to
mother. Yet even there mating is popular.
Though marriage is the most universal institution known to man
increasing numbers of Americans are shunning it by divorce or otherwise.
About ten per cent of our marriageable men have become unbudgeable
bachelors. The number of women who are choosing careers to marriage is
soaring. Moreover there are 1,500,000 men and women in America who
tried marriage and are now living apart in divorce. Many others were
divorced, then remarried.
Thus “Why marry, anyhow?” is today a fair question. So let’s face right
at the start the main reasons why people do not marry, or stay married.
Many people do not marry because they don’t relish the idea of giving up
their freedom, their independence. Some men do not like the idea of being
“saddled” with family responsibilities and being “tied down” to one
woman. Likewise, some women have become so accustomed to living
alone—and are so reluctant to give up careers—that they hesitate to give up
their independence, until it is too late.

Many other girls and men do not marry because they are too particular.
Often they have a “phantasy ideal” of the mate they want and can’t find
such an interested party in real life. Girls for example often sigh that they
want a man “tall, dark and handsome—and graying at the temples.”
Without realizing it at least a quarter of all girls yearn for a man who looks
like their own father. And a quarter of the men pick someone who looks
vaguely like their own mother.
There are still other people who don’t marry because they lack a decent
opportunity. Girls who choose nursing as a career, for example, cut their
marriage prospects at least fifty per cent. It is much the same for librarians
and social workers. In fact a girl can reduce her chances of marriage merely
by going to a girls’ college.
Then there is a large group who do not marry because they have been
disappointed in love—perhaps an early love affair ended in disappointment
or grief. It produced a psychological scar that prevented the person from
achieving happiness through marriage with anyone else. The death of Ann
Rutledge shook Abraham Lincoln so profoundly that though he finally
married years later, for appearances’ sake, he was a miserable husband. A
boy who imagines himself passionately in love and then is jilted by a girl
who doesn’t even let him down gently may lose faith and crawl into a
psychological shell in his relations with other women.
One college girl became enamored, during her sophomore year, of a
prominent man-about-campus. She came from a fine Philadelphia family
and was an attractive, sincere girl. But she was very naïve. This man began
rushing her. He took her to parties at his fraternity, took her for several
moonlight rides in his roadster, and told her she was the girl he had always
dreamed of. Within three weeks she had lost her virginity. In a few more
weeks he had lost interest and was off to make new conquests, and she
came to the sickening realization that he had merely been exploiting her
love for physical pleasure. Disillusioned, she had to change colleges to keep
from facing her friends. She did not tell this story to the counselors at the
Penn State Marriage Counseling Service (“Compatibility Clinic”) until two
years later. During those two years she had been so crushed and full of
bitterness that she had not let another man touch or even kiss her.

Occasionally men and women do not marry because they have family
responsibilities—perhaps a widowed mother or younger orphaned brothers
and sisters—which make them feel they can’t afford, or have no right, to
take on a mate.
Still others have physical handicaps. There are some handicaps, of
course, that are severe enough to be a real handicap, like the loss of both
arms, but more often the handicaps are not serious in themselves. They are
serious because the possessor magnifies them in his mind and begins
feeling inadequate and inferior. The same applies to a person who thinks he
is ugly. Irregular facial features in themselves are never a serious handicap
if their possessor has self-confidence and a pleasant personality.
The main reason why people do not marry, however, is that they have an
unhealthy attitude which makes it virtually impossible for them to adjust
themselves happily to thoughts of marriage. They are full of fears about the
obligations that marriage may bring.
Some are too selfish or too egocentric to be able to compromise; and in
marriage as in any partnership the partners must be able to sacrifice their
private desires for the common cause. Marriage is no place for prima
donnas.
Other poorly adjusted persons are incapable of accepting the many
responsibilities that go with marriage. Perhaps their mother or father tied
them down so closely as a child that they never had a chance to develop
their own feeling of self-sufficiency and independence. There are parents
who cannot turn their children loose. They object to dating until the
youngsters have become so old that learning to get along with the other sex
is difficult.
Such children have a fixation for the parents and cannot see another
person entering the picture as a possible substitute or replacement. This is
called the Oedipus complex and it is no bogey dreamed up by
psychologists. A boy may not marry because he is still jealously in “love”
with his own mother. A girl may not marry because she is in “love” with her
father. This kind of fixation is made more acute when the parent is selfish or
lonely and builds a network around the child which makes escape
impossible.

There are some people who are suspicious or jealous by nature. Their
emotional instability usually frightens away prospective mates.
Many other people, particularly girls, have an unhealthy attitude toward
marriage because they are frightened by the physical intimacies that go with
marriage. A 29-year-old wife who had been married four years confessed
recently that she dreaded the thought of physical intimacy with her
husband. She had moved to another room and was in a rebellious mood.
This wife unconsciously revealed a clue to her coldness when she related
remarks her mother had made to her during girlhood. The mother had talked
of her own agonies during the girl’s birth and had told how the process had
injured her internally. The mother had talked of physical intimacy as one of
the burdens a wife has to bear. One night, when the girl had been thus
conditioned, a date stopped his car on a side road and tried to caress her.
She was terrified. Now, twelve years later and formally married, she was
still on guard.
The war gave many young people an unhealthy attitude toward marriage.
A desire for a “last fling” impelled many of them to promiscuous behavior
that has left them with psychological scars. Some men saw so many “loose”
women near their stations and embarkation ports (and frequently had affairs
themselves with such women) that their attitude toward all women was
cheapened. Other young people—both male and female—were separated so
long from contact with the opposite sex that they developed—or feared they
had developed—unnatural feelings toward members of the same sex; or
thought they lost the knack of making themselves seem attractive to girls or
men, whichever the opposite may be.
A good many veterans saw so much of war and its destruction that they
became cynical of human life and pessimistic about the future. This put
them in an extremely poor mood to think of mating.
Yet to millions of other veterans war made marriage seem terribly
attractive. After leading a shifting existence where nothing seemed real or
permanent, the lasting, unchanging things in life appeared more significant
than ever before. Marriage, ideally, is one of the most permanent things in
life. It gives a person a chance to sink roots.
This brings us to the other side of the picture: why people do marry.
There are thirty million married couples in America today, and they didn’t

get married just because it is the customary thing to do.
Marriage must have something to offer. If you doubt it consider these
facts:
—Married people normally live longer than single people. According
to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company report of 1937, twice as
many single men from thirty to forty-five die as married men in the
same age bracket. For women between thirty and sixty-five the married
women have a ten per cent advantage over the single women. Twice as
many widowers die as do men who remain married.
—Fewer married people go to jail than single people.
—Fewer go crazy.
—Fewer commit suicide.
These facts would certainly indicate that married people are happier,
better adjusted persons than unmarried persons, despite all the tales about
henpecked husbands and browbeaten wives.
Then there are some very practical, hard-boiled reasons why it pays to
marry.
For one thing it is cheaper for two people to live together than to live
separately. It costs only two-thirds as much.
By marrying, a man becomes a better employment risk. Married men
usually are regarded as more steady, more trustworthy employees than
single men. This is logical. Marriage exerts a stabilizing influence on most
men. An employer can assume that since a married man has taken on the
responsibilities of a family he is a better risk than a man who has shown no
ability to assume responsibilities. Another point is that the married man is
less apt to leave a good job than a single man.
Furthermore a married person is regarded more favorably socially than a
bachelor or spinster. This is not just a “ganging up” of spouses against
anyone not similarly coupled, though that may be a factor. It’s a fact that
there is a greater feeling of belongingness to the community for the married
person than for the bachelor or spinster. A married man is better able to
entertain acquaintances in his own home. And right or wrong most people

feel there is something a bit unnatural about an adult remaining unmarried.
Psychiatrists agree that except in exceptional cases women who live alone
will become neurotic and frustrated. Living alone is an abnormal state for a
woman. (She overcomes this hazard only by accepting her fate realistically
and setting out intelligently to find enrichment and satisfaction in life.)
Married people are less lonely than single people because they have
someone with whom to share life’s dull as well as exciting moments and to
share their problems and hopes and ambitions.
Also married couples who raise families frequently have an insurance
against old age—the knowledge that in their growing children there will be
someone to take care of them if necessary.
Life is also more comfortable if you are married than if single, at least for
a man. It provides him with home cooking in his own home and someone to
keep his socks in order.
A basic argument for marriage is that it offers a logical division of labor.
Imagine how much more complicated and inconvenient life would be if
men had to do their own cooking and sewing, and women—all women—
had to compete with men for a livelihood!
Finally marriage offers a legalized way to achieve sexual satisfaction.
Men and women can receive relief from their bodily tensions without the
terrible feelings of guilt, anxiety and remorse that often accompany
unmarried love. That’s something. Modern psychology recognizes that
sexual satisfaction is more than a physiological process of reproducing
one’s kind. It is a psychologically satisfying activity and releases many
nervous tensions as well as tensions brought about by hormonal or
glandular needs.
Those then are the obvious, practical reasons why marriage is so
universally popular. But beyond those are some important but less
understood cravings which marriage satisfies.
—Beyond the desire for sex satisfaction, for example, is the yearning
of both men and women to share the love and affection of somebody of
the opposite sex, someone who takes a genuine interest in them. This
sometimes is called a need for sexually colored companionship. This is
why married people don’t feel the need to run around to shows and

parties the way single people do. They have their own companionship
within the family. Mark Twain, in his amusing “Extracts from Adam’s
Diary” showed the bond created by such companionship when he
quoted Adam as reminiscing:
“At first I thought Eve talked too much but ... after all these years I
see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning. It is better to live
outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.... Wheresoever
she is, there is Eden.”
—A desire for mastery on the part of most men and a desire to be led
on the part of most women is another psychological motive that is
satisfied by marriage. It is the thrill of mastery that causes a youth to
careen dangerously down the highway at eighty miles an hour or to ride
a horse at a break-neck gallop.
—There is a desire for pride that is satisfied by saying “my husband,”
or “my wife,” or “my oldest kid.”
—There is a desire for security, a need both real and psychological,
that afflicts all of us. We all like to know that there is someone who will
look after us when we are sick, someone to comfort us when we are
grieved, someone to help us when we are weary. Women particularly
feel this need for security. In fact some observers who work a great deal
in testing the reactions of women to the problems of life say that in
women this yearning for security overshadows everything else. Women
feel the need for security so much more keenly because, if nothing else,
they are the “weaker” sex. They are more dependent on men for their
livelihood.
Our returning veterans feel an intense need for another kind of security
which marriage can give. After years of uncertainty, shifting, and tearing
down of life and property they desperately want to get a hold on something
permanent, and to many of them marriage looks like the very best way to do
it.
—For much the same reasons veterans want to raise families. After so
much destruction they want to build, they want to create life, life
bearing their own likeness, life that will continue after they are gone.

Watching and guiding one’s own children while they grow up is one of
the greatest pleasures of marriage. A couple who deliberately abstains
from having children is a selfish couple. Surveys show they mostly do it
out of selfishness, the desire of the wife for a career or “dislike for
children.” These reasons are those we would expect from maladjusted
people. Certainly by voluntarily remaining childless they miss one of
the greatest chances to achieve a happy marriage.
By achieving a happy marriage and having children many people
make up for the frustrations and disappointments they have received
from life, their dissatisfaction with their job and their own childhood.
Children bring them compensation for their own failures.
—Finally, marriage enables two people to work together in setting up
common goals and—by dreaming, planning, struggling—to achieve
those goals. Perhaps the goal is to build a home or take a vacation trip to
South America together or to put a son through college. The specific
goals are not important. The enrichment comes from the two people’s
merging their hopes and efforts toward one mutually-desired goal.
Getting married is one of the biggest steps a person takes in life. In
fact, for most people life boils down to coping with three big problems:
—Learning to get along with people.
—Choosing a career and succeeding in it.
—Picking a mate and living happily thereafter.
The three are interdependent. Marriage counselors have noticed the
significant fact that the individual who makes friends readily, who likes his
work and is successful in it, is also the person who tends to choose an
excellent mate for himself and work out with that mate a happy marriage.

Chapter II
Your Chances of Getting a Mate You’ll Like
First, you might ask, what are your chances of getting a mate of any kind?
If you are a man, and are interested, you can be almost one hundred per cent
certain you will marry. More than ten per cent of the eligible men today
won’t marry, but that will largely be due to the fact that they prefer to
remain bachelors.
If you are a girl the chances that you will marry are not quite as good. At
the start of the war about thirteen per cent of the girls were failing to marry.
The prospect now is that for several years after the war about fourteen or
fifteen per cent will fail. It will be a good market for men.
Girls in some age brackets will be hit harder than others, and we
sympathize with the girls past twenty-five who feel they were passing the
peak of the eligibility curve for marriage while many of the best male
prospects were still away in the armed forces. These girls have cause for
concern. The surplus of grown women over men—which is something new
in our population—has been increased by war casualties. And the number
of men who prefer bachelorhood is apt to increase from ten per cent at
present to perhaps fifteen per cent because the older a single man becomes
the less he thinks about marriage. This war has created a great many “old”
single men.
It is estimated that between two million and five million of the
marriageable women in America today will never marry. Sociologists are
already worrying about this “lost generation” of our women between twenty
and thirty-five, with those in their late twenties presumably hit the hardest.
You may ask when a girl reaches the peak of her eligibility for marriage.
In normal years the peak is between nineteen and twenty-one, and the curve

declines markedly after the twenty-fifth birthday. Here are the chances for
men and women to marry by certain ages:

CHANCES OF WHITE MALES AND WHITE FEMALES BEING
MARRIED BY VARIOUS AGES (1940 CENSUS)
Chances of Chances of Chances of Marrying at Some
By Age
Being Married Being Married Particular Year of Age
Men Women Men Women
14 1 in 1000 3 in 1000 1 in 1000 3 in 1000
15 2 ” 12 ” 1 ” 9 ”
16 3 ” 39 ” 1 ” 27 ”
17 7 ” 90 ” 4 ” 51 ”
18 21 ” 177 ” 14 ” 87 ”
19 54 ” 270 ” 33 ” 93 ”
20 109 ” 372 ” 55 ” 102 ”
21 190 ” 456 ” 81 ” 84 ”
22 272 ” 538 ” 82 ” 82 ”
23 371 ” 613 ” 99 ” 75 ”
24 457 ” 671 ” 86 ” 58 ”
25 531 ” 714 ” 74 ” 43 ”
26 592 ” 749 ” 61 ” 35 ”
27 650 ” 780 ” 58 ” 31 ”
28 694 ” 799 ” 44 ” 19 ”
29 738 ” 823 ” 44 ” 24 ”
30 748 ” 822 ” 10 ” 1 ”
31 790 ” 853 ” 42 ” 30 ”
32 791 ” 853 ” 1 ” 1 ”
33 814 ” 870 ” 23 ” 17 ”
34 828 ” 874 ” 14 ” 4 ”

The odds for men show that only about one in ten marries before he is
twenty-one; one in three marry at ages twenty-one to twenty-five; about
three to ten marry between twenty-five and thirty, and about one in ten
marries between thirty and thirty-five.
A factor unfavorable to the older girls, past twenty-five, is that as men
become older they tend to marry increasingly younger girls. Normally, for
example, a man of twenty-five will marry a girl of twenty-two, whereas a
man of thirty-one will probably marry a girl of twenty-five. That’s why girls
in the present twenty-five to thirty-five group may be hardest hit by the war.
One encouraging possibility, however, is that veterans are looking for more

wisdom and maturity in their brides than civilians of the same age usually
do. There have been a good many reports of veterans marrying girls five
and ten years their senior.
Idealistically, the best age for a girl to marry is from twenty-one to
twenty-seven, and for a man from twenty-five to thirty.
Of all women who do marry, about fifty-six per cent are married by their
twenty-fifth birthday, about eighty-four per cent by their thirtieth birthday
and about ninety-five per cent by their thirty-fifth birthday. After thirty-five
a woman has to get busy if she wants to marry!
Thirty-five is when an unmarried woman can no longer consider herself a
“young maid.”
The marriage prospects for girls today would not be quite so unfavorable
if our men would all seek mates. As it is, with from ten to fifteen per cent
preferring to remain single, at least a million girls will not have an
opportunity to marry. As far as we can gather the reason behind this
masculine perversity is that boys, unlike girls, are not indoctrinated with the
idea that marriage should be one of their big goals in life.
But why, you may ask, are there more eligible girls than men in America?
The imbalance caused by the war is not the only reason. Here are some
other reasons for the shortage of males that looms:
—Men die younger than women. The “weaker sex” is actually the
tougher sex when it comes to reaching a ripe old age.
—Our male surplus of immigrants has been about used up.
Immigration is a form of pioneering and has been considered primarily
a task of man. When the flow of immigrants was heavy it accounted for
many thousands of our male surplus. Now the flow has dwindled to a
trickle.
—America is no longer a “young” nation. And of course the older our
population becomes, the more feminine it becomes for the reasons
mentioned above. There are still more boy babies born in America than
girl babies (about 105 boys per hundred girls) but because the males die
faster—both by natural causes and by accidents—the males slip into the
minority now after the age of twenty-five.

War affects marriage in very peculiar ways. During the initial phase of
World War II, marriages increased at a spectacular rate. This probably was
due to the increasing prosperity (prosperity increases both marriages and
divorces!) and by the psychological incentives to mate as a result of war.
These include not only the impulses to elude the draft, but the yearning of a
boy to keep some visible contact with home and the yearning of the girl to
have some concrete commitment from a man when so many of them were
leaving the community to go to war.
By 1942, 1,800,000 marriages took place in the country, the highest
number in history. Then the rate started dropping off as men became more
scarce, so that by 1944 the number of marriages was only 1,440,000. In
1945 the trend was changing. Judging from events after World War I, the
postwar years will see a spurt in marriages that may take the rate to nearly
two million a year for a couple of years. But that won’t change the fact that
a good many girls still will not have a chance to marry.
But even if you do marry, what are the chances you will get a mate you
like?
The answer depends a great deal on who you are. We can assure you that
such mates will not come automatically. Right now there are at least a
million married couples who are waiting to get a divorce. Millions of other
couples tolerate each other but are not happy by any standards we could
apply to them.
Many of the unsuccessful matches were “war marriages” hastily made. A
study made after the first war, of marriages hastily contracted from 1916 to
1920 show that those marriages were less happy for both men and women
than those contracted before the war. Another study showed that the
marriages undertaken immediately after men came back from World War I
were not—on an average—as happy as they would have been normally. The
same will be true for many of the hurriedly contracted marriages in 1946
and 1947.
These studies substantiate the fact that much greater likelihood of
mismating exists when marriages are hastily contracted, and especially
when contracted at a time of high emotional excitement.

As this book is written one marriage in five is ending in divorce—and as
we get further into the postwar years the rate will probably rise to at least
one failure in every four marriages. Furthermore, if the long-range trends
continue the divorce rate will be one divorce for every two marriages by
1975! Hollywood stars, and physicians in some states, are already close to
that rate. That’s pretty depressing to contemplate when you consider that
fifteen years ago the rate was one failure in fourteen marriages.
Perhaps the one encouraging aspect of the growing male shortage is that
it may slow down the divorce rate. Divorces occur most frequently when
men are plentiful. When men are scarce women tend to hang on to what
they have and need to be provoked before they will fly off to Reno.
Why is the divorce rate rising at such an ominous rate? Admittedly there
are deeper reasons than the war for the trend. Civilization, in becoming
more complex, puts greater strains and stresses on marriage. Unhappy
married couples are not held together as much as they used to be by fears
inspired by hell-and-damnation religion. Our movies and soap operas
present marriage in a fantastically unreal light. Finally, it seems that our
standards for marriage happiness are now so low that people assume a
couple is happy as long as the husband doesn’t beat his wife openly.
You may be interested to know that all the trends indicate that more
divorced men remarry than do divorced women. In spite of the fact that
each divorce separates a couple, in 1940 there were twice as many feminine
divorcees who had not remarried as there were unmarried male divorces.
The records also disclose the interesting fact that only about ten per cent of
the women getting divorces ask alimony, and that only six per cent get it.
Your chances of getting a mate you will like are even affected by your
sex. If you are a girl your chances are not as good as if you were a man.
This is largely due to the fact that a girl cannot gracefully take the initiative
in stalking a mate who looks attractive to her. Women enjoy being pursued,
but men still don’t! They don’t want anything that seems too easy to win. If
the woman takes the initiative—at least if she takes it conspicuously—the
world will think her aggressive, and unladylike. She will be thought
“common,” for instance, if she goes to the phone and asks a boy for a date
or if she proposes marriage. Despite the progress of feminine emancipation
during this century, and especially during World War II, this is still a man’s

world. And probably feminism will be on the defensive after the war when
the veterans return and many of the women will be expected to retire
gracefully to the kitchens. At any rate, our present moral standards
apparently make it much more difficult for a girl to win some possible mate
who interests her than it is for a man.
Few of our younger people realize it but there are also a host of other
factors that often limit the number of acceptable mates they are able to
choose from.
Marriage counselors use the phrase “assortative mating” to describe the
way two people of the opposite sex pair up on the basis of being pretty
much like each other and living in much the same neighborhood. The term
was first used to describe the way animals mate on the basis of similar size
and color.
Today’s men and girls often set up criteria in selecting a mate that narrow
their possible choices more than they realize. A man often has some pretty
specific ideas on the kind of girl he wants to marry, and the girl has similar
ideas about her husband-to-be. The chances of a person getting a mate he
will like becomes less and less as he raises his qualifications.
In the early days of American life, when civilization was much simpler
than it is today—and when people differed less in their social and economic
status—a girl or man usually could find among five acquaintances someone
suitable for marriage. The situation is decidedly different today. One
authority in this field estimates that a girl, for example, needs to know
twenty or twenty-five young men in order that she may have sufficient
range to find someone eligible for her needs.
Let’s look at some of the little-considered factors that limit your choice.

How Old Must Your Mate Be? Many people who are looking for a mate
think it is bad for the bride to be older than the groom. The girl is especially
sensitive about this because she feels she may be losing prestige. Actually
such marriages usually turn out to be happier than average because the girl
is usually more eager to prove herself a good wife and is less apt to be a

clinging vine; but that doesn’t change the fact that some people still frown
on such marriages.
Society also frowns on matches where there is a great difference in age.
For example marriages where the man is ten years older are viewed with
alarm. For reasons not too well understood, marriages in which the husband
is from four to seven years older than his bride are less happy than those
involving any other age differences. However, if the man is eight or more
years older, no special handicap seems to be involved.
Taken as a whole the happiest—and most socially approved—marriages
are those in which the man is one to two years older.

How Educated Must Your Mate Be? All the studies that have been made
of marriage show that as one’s educational level rises, an individual tends
more and more to make a rational—and less emotional—choice of a mate.
The educated man has a greater range of choice than the educated woman,
because he is much more willing to marry under his educational level
whereas a woman—again for reasons of prestige—is usually reluctant to do
so. If she goes to college, she feels she has no choice but to restrict her
selection to college men. By so confining herself and by leading a more
cloistered life than her cousin who never went past high school, a college
girl definitely reduces her chances of marrying. Whereas in the past nearly
ninety per cent of our women have married, it is estimated that only about
seventy-five per cent of college women have married!

How Much Money Must Your Mate Have? If you have money yourself or
have it in your family you are more apt to make a hard-headed choice for a
mate than one who has little money. He will marry more spontaneously. If
you think back you may remember that during the depression of 1929-33
people of high economic status postponed marrying until more stable times
whereas the people with small incomes went right on marrying, if they
could possibly manage it.

Generally people tend to marry pretty much into their own economic
class. The girl who was raised in the poor section of town and is now
working as a sales clerk in a five-and-ten store may yearn to marry a
sophisticated man from a wealthy family, but that is not the kind of mate
she needs. It is doubtful that she could be happy with him because their
differences are too great.
There are exceptions, of course. Occasionally we all read about, and
cheer, a news report of a modern Cinderella but we usually frown when we
read of the opposite: of a rich girl marrying a poor man. That somehow
seems abnormal to us. The girl may lose caste. A man of moderate means
who himself married a debutante expressed his views on such arrangements
however when he said to us: “Never marry for money. But it’s just as easy
to fall in love with a rich girl!”

How About the Mate’s National Background and Religion? Are you an
American of Italian extraction who would not consider marrying a girl of
Swedish background? Or are you a Catholic who would not think of
marrying anyone but another Catholic? You may have good reasons for
your exclusiveness but the fact remains that your field has been narrowed.

How Is Your Job Affecting Your Prospects? People tend to marry mates
who live conveniently near and who have similar interests. (About a fifth of
all married couples meet each other at work.) A school teacher, for example,
is much more likely to know school teachers of the opposite sex than to
know physicians of the opposite sex. Yet many occupations are such that far
more of one sex enter them than is true of the other. For example, there are
normally nearly five women teachers to one man teacher; seven or eight
feminine librarians to one male librarian; some twenty-five or thirty women
in nursing to each man in somewhat similar work. Is it any wonder that the
rate of marriage among school teachers, librarians and among nurses is

much lower than average? Girls who choose nursing for a career cut their
marriage prospects by at least 50 percent.

Finally, How Is Geography Affecting Your Prospects for Mates? Though
the conditions of World War II broadened the matrimonial horizon of many
men and girls as they moved about the country the fact remains that
location is an important factor in confining the choice of millions of people.
In a study of several thousand marriages in Philadelphia it was
discovered that four out of five young people there selected their mates
from within their own city. In one out of three of the marriages the couple
had lived within five blocks of each other before marriage.
Looking at the country as a whole, some towns and sections offer better
marriage prospects than others. This is a little known fact. For example, the
cities of New England offer the poorest possibilities for young women to
marry of any section of the country. This is mainly because the textile
industries in that area attract so many more women than men. Of the thirty
United States cities offering the poorest opportunities for marriage for
women, twenty-two are in New England. And of the thirty offering the best
opportunities for women, about half are in Michigan, Ohio and Northern
Indiana, where the automotive industries—which attract far more men than
women—are located.
It is interesting to note that during World War II the marriage rate
increased very rapidly in areas with new war industries requiring a great
number of men—shipbuilding, aircraft, metal working. In Baltimore, the
marriage rate went up nearly forty per cent; in Hartford, important in
aviation, it went up twenty-five per cent.
Areas that consistently favor girls by providing a surplus of eligible men
are the Far West and the Southwest, particularly Texas. The Deep South is
much less favorable.
Where does your state stand on the ratio of eligible men to eligible
women? The typical American male marries at about twenty-five and a half
and the typical female at twenty-two and a half, or about three years earlier.

Thus perhaps the fairest comparison would be to take the single men
between twenty-three and twenty-eight and the single women between
twenty and twenty-five. The following table shows how each state rates in
such a comparison. It is based on the 1940 census.

NUMBER OF SINGLE WHITE MALES 23-28 YEARS OLD FOR EACH
100 SINGLE WHITE FEMALES 20-25 YEARS OLD
Nevada 177.21 Indiana 97.96
Wyoming 164.66 Georgia 97.56
Idaho 130.61 Illinois 95.42
California 128.01 Minnesota 95.41
Arizona 127.09 Delaware 94.29
Montana 125.49 Missouri 94.28
Washington 121.78 Mississippi 94.20
Dist. of Col. 119.20 Maine 93.20
Oregon 116.82 Alabama 93.17
New Mexico 113.19 Iowa 91.83
Florida 111.39 New Jersey 91.12
Texas 109.17 Ohio 90.92
Vermont 107.50 New York 90.46
Virginia 106.64 Pennsylvania 90.17
Maryland 106.18 Tennessee 90.03
North Dakota 105.76 Nebraska 89.56
Colorado 102.59 Utah 89.23
Michigan 101.68 New Hampshire 89.14
Louisiana 101.61 Kansas 88.66
Kentucky 100.98 Connecticut 88.57
Wisconsin 100.82 South Carolina 87.55
Arkansas 99.24 North Carolina 86.35
West Virginia 99.12 Massachusetts 83.25
South Dakota 98.32 Rhode Island 82.61
Oklahoma 97.99

Nevada leads the list as the paradise for girls since there are 177 men
there for each 100 girls. At the other end of the scale Rhode Island is over-
populated with females (due to its many textile mills) and so is an
unpromising place for girls to find a mate but a fine place for men. There
are one hundred girls for every eighty-three men.
Notice that all of the first nine states offering the best possibilities for
girls are in the West, and that the five most favorable states for men are in

the East. Perhaps the old slogan “Go West, young man, go West” might be
revised to read “Go East, young man; go West, young woman.”
There is another age range that needs consideration. That is, the groups
who have not married by the time most people marry. These groups are the
men between thirty and thirty-five and girls between twenty-five and thirty.
Both these groups need to get busy because they face a very definite
possibility of becoming crusty old bachelors or disgruntled spinsters. Since
men past thirty tend to marry women who are more than three years
younger than themselves it might be valid to compare the number of girls
twenty-five to thirty to the men thirty to thirty-five. Here again the West is
the great land of opportunity for girls while the Carolinas and the New
England textile states are still less inviting to girls. One interesting thing is
that in the Southern states of Kentucky, Virginia and Louisiana a girl’s ratio
is pretty favorable up to twenty-five years but after that they become
definitely not good places to find a husband.
If we take all single men as a whole and compare them to the single
women, without regard to age, here is how the states seem to shape up:

The Ten Best for Women The Ten Poorest for Women
and Poorest for Men and Best for Men
Wyoming Massachusetts
Montana Rhode Island
Idaho Connecticut
Washington New Hampshire
Arizona New Jersey
California New York
North Dakota Pennsylvania
Oregon Ohio
South Dakota North Carolina
Nevada Missouri

Of the ten best states for women all are west of the Mississippi, and of
the best states for men all but one is east of the Mississippi.
While the states themselves are pretty good guides as to where to go to
pick a mate, the location within a particular state may be of even greater
importance. For example, in Virginia, Norfolk rates as a fine place for a girl
to find a husband but Richmond rates way down the scale. Here is a
comparison of the number of white, single girls in the twenty-five to thirty

age group and of the white, single men aged thirty to thirty-five in our 106
cities having a population of fifty thousand or more. (In such a comparison,
incidentally, virtually all of our cities show a surplus of older girls over
older men when those two age groups are compared. Here, however, we are
interested only in the relative desirability of cities.)

The Twenty Best Cities for The Twenty Poorest Cities for
Women and Poorest for Men Women and Best for Men
(in order) (in order)
San Diego, Cal. Madison, Wis.
San Francisco, Cal. Lincoln, Neb.
Norfolk, Va. Des Moines, Ia.
Miami, Fla. Jackson, Miss.
Long Beach, Cal. Evanston, Ill.
Los Angeles, Cal. Minneapolis, Minn.
Phoenix, Ariz. Wichita, Kans.
Oakland, Cal. St. Paul, Minn.
Tacoma, Wash. Nashville, Tenn.
Sacramento, Cal. Winston-Salem, N. C.
San Antonio, Tex. Knoxville, Tenn.
Houston, Tex. Grand Rapids, Mich.
Detroit, Mich. Fort Wayne, Ind.
Baltimore, Md. Salt Lake City, Utah
Pueblo, Colo. New Haven, Conn.
Peoria, Ill. Omaha, Nebr.
Mobile, Ala. Cleveland, Ohio
Trenton, N. J. Springfield, Ill.
Jacksonville, Fla. Montgomery, Ala.
Columbus, Ga. Hartford, Conn.

Girls on farms and in small towns may fret to get to the big cities but
their chances of marrying will be better in their rural communities, where
there are 104 men for every hundred women, than in the cities where the
ratio is ninety-six men per hundred girls.
Women’s colleges and all-male colleges may have their advantages
educationally but they can deprive you of the chance for normal contacts
with the opposite sex, and thus reduce your chances of marrying.
To get a fairly accurate idea of just what your marriage expectancy is,
considering all factors, you should take the test reproduced with this chapter
on “What Is Your Marriage Expectancy?”

If your expectancy rating is low do not become pessimistic. That’s the
worst thing that could happen. Rather decide what you want in a mate ...
find where such a mate exists ... establish friendships that will lead to
introductions ... make yourself attractive to possible mates by studying their
wants and needs and appearing to fill them. This is a formula that will get
almost anyone a mate if he or she really wants one.

WHAT IS YOUR EXPECTANCY OF MARRIAGE?

This test should show pretty clearly whether your chances of
marrying are good, or not so good. Be honest with yourself.

1. Do you sometimes compliment a person, even though it is not deserved? Yes No
2. Do you prefer “different” or unconventional people? Yes No
3. Do you often become involved in heated arguments? Yes No
4. Are you a good dancer and a good mixer? Yes No
5. Do your parents generally like the people you date? Yes No
6. Do your good friends include both men and women of about your own age? Yes No
7. Do you take an active part in two or more sports such as tennis, swimming, golf
or bowling? Yes No
8. Do you seem to get about your share of invitations to mixed parties? Yes No
9. Do you and your dates frequently spend your evenings with other couples? Yes No
10. Have you ever had a chance to become engaged? Yes No
11. Do you seem to make a pretty good first impression? Yes No
12. Do you weigh between 100 and 140 if a girl and 130 and 180 if a man? Yes No
13. Are you generally in good health? Yes No
14. Is your home cheerful and open to all of your friends? Yes No
15. Have you met at least 20 members of the opposite sex in the past three years who
seemed like conceivable marriage risks? Yes No
16. Do your friends visit you frequently? Yes No
17. Do you live in a town or area that seems to have as many young people of the
opposite sex as it has of your own? Yes No
18. Do you usually get along with the parents of the people you date? Yes No
19. Are you under 27 if a girl and under 30 if a man? Yes No
20. Do your friends seem to think of you as cheerful and sociable? Yes No
21. Do you visit other towns three or four times a year? Yes No
22. When you meet someone you know, do you usually speak first? Yes No
23. Do you usually remember names and faces of people you meet? Yes No
24. Do you like to entertain a date at home? Yes No
25. Are you friendly or affectionate with persons you like? Yes No
26. Would you marry a person three years younger or older than you are? Yes No
27. Do you date fairly often? Yes No
28. Are you a good listener? Yes No

29. Do you find it easy to talk to strangers? Yes No
30. Is your voice pleasing and modulated? Yes No
31. Do you frequent places where members of the opposite sex are? Yes No
32. Do you like to watch baseball, football or boxing? Yes No
33. Have you “gone steady” with two or more persons? Yes No
34. If a girl do you live west of the Mississippi or if a man do you live in the East? Yes No

The correct answer to the first three questions is no, and to all the
remaining thirty-one questions yes. If you answered twenty-five or more
of the questions correctly then you have a high “expectancy” rating. If
you answered only eight or less of them correctly then your chances of
marrying are definitely poor unless you take action to improve your
eligibility.

Chapter III
Are You Ready for Married Love?
The answer to this question is deceptively simple. You are ready if you are
old enough. But how old are you?
There are several yardsticks besides the calendar for measuring your age.
Educators enjoy telling the story of the wise young orphan. When a sweet
old lady leaned over and asked him his age the young man removed his
glasses, polished them thoughtfully for a minute and then replied:
“My psychological age, Madam, is twelve years; my moral age is ten
years; my social age is eight years; my anatomical and physiological ages
are respectively six and seven; but I have not been informed of my
chronological age. That, I understand, is a matter of comparative
insignificance.”
When we ask you if you are old enough to marry, we mean mature
enough. And maturity, as it bears on your readiness for marriage, can be
measured in at least five ways: physiological, mental, vocational, sexual
and emotional maturity. By these standards some people are not old enough
to marry when they are thirty-five!

How Old Are You Physiologically? The adolescence of the early teens
is characterized by rapid bodily growth—growth in height, weight and
sexual development. By eighteen, however, you are nearly as tall as you
will ever be. Sexual growth, while not complete (especially for a girl), has
reached a point where reproduction is possible. General growth slows down
considerably and by twenty-four has just about stopped. For purposes of

marriage the average person is “mature” physiologically by the age of
twenty. But some require more time, because of glandular disturbances.

How Old Are You Mentally? We do not mean what is your I.Q., which is a
measure of your capacity to learn, but rather the accumulation of your
learning. In short, how wise are you? Normally a person must live twenty-
one or twenty-two years before he has seen enough of life through
schooling and practical experience to take on the responsibilities that go
with marriage. If you have led a sheltered or one-sided life it will probably
take longer.

How Old Are You Vocationally? A man, certainly, is not mature until he
has established that he can earn a living. A college degree, a license to
practice medicine, to teach, or to practice barbering are not enough. There
must be a successful work record and that cannot be present until a person
has used his vocational knowledge to make a living for a period of not less
than one year.
Once it was thought that girls needed no special training vocationally but
that notion is pretty well outdated now. Modern women like to feel
independent, and frequently their ability to earn money is called into use.
Perhaps the husband is a disabled war veteran, or perhaps the wife feels she
needs a career to earn money. At the least, the girl entering marriage should
already be capable of managing a home—and that requires skill and
knowledge that can’t be learned in a night club.
Since some occupations require many more years of education and
training than others, vocational maturity can fall anywhere between
eighteen and twenty-six, but for most people it doesn’t come until about the
age of twenty-two.

How Old Are You Sexually? Sexual maturity implies far more than the
ability to beget or bear a child. Most morons can do this. Sexual maturity is
largely determined by childhood and it is something most people either
have or don’t have.
A youngster who was reared by parents who were well balanced
emotionally, who were ready listeners to his problems, who explained
comprehensively the magic and mystery of sex functions to him, will
usually be ready to face the problems of sexual adolescence. During
adolescence he will be subjected to many strains. He will undergo many
glandular changes and begin to have sexual capacity. The reproductive
apparatus approaches maturity between the ages of twelve and fourteen.
The boy has emissions. The girl begins to menstruate. Both often are
disturbed or even frightened by these new functions, unless the parent has
been wise enough to prepare them for the changes.
During adolescence they start “dating,” which at first is done self-
consciously and awkwardly. Their state of mind is made more nervous if
the parents tease or ridicule these first steps in courting.
When the boy and girl emerge from adolescence about the age of
eighteen, they have achieved sexual maturity if all has gone well. If so:
—There is freedom from repression and inhibitions concerning sex.
—There is no disgust or aversion as far as sex is concerned.
—Likewise there is no abnormal curiosity or longing for sexual
information or experience.
—He or she may still be shy or self-conscious at first when in the
presence of someone of the opposite sex but both soon get over it when
they find activities to share. This is normally easy because by eighteen
youngsters have acquired skill in dancing, card playing, sports, hobbies,
and conversing.
If by eighteen or twenty a person hasn’t acquired sexual maturity in the
sense described, it might be a good idea to consult a marriage counseling
bureau, a college psycho-educational clinic, a psychologist or some other
person trained in helping normal people achieve normal adjustments.

How Old Are You Emotionally? This is by far the most significant of all
your ages in determining your readiness to marry! Most of the research on
marriage indicates that people who lack “emotional maturity” rarely
achieve a happy marriage.
What is emotional maturity, you may ask? It’s a state of mind that
includes ability to get along with people ... ability to find satisfaction and
reward in work ... ability to recognize and solve problems which involve
your relations with others ... and finally it includes freedom from instability
and neuroticism.
As in sexual maturity (which is closely related to emotional maturity) the
first ten years of life are apparently the most important in determining if
you will be emotionally stable. Certainly by the age of eighteen a person
should have a pretty firm hold on his emotions. If he has not acquired such
balance by twenty-one or twenty-two the outlook is not too promising, and
he should deliberately set out to achieve better control of himself.
A stenographer of twenty-four came to the Penn State Marriage
Counseling Service for advice after she had had a dozen promiscuous
affairs with men. She came from a broken home where her parents had
taken only an erratic interest in her and she showed serious signs of
emotional instability, as do virtually all promiscuous girls and men.
Here is the verbatim report that was written on Sandra. It provides a
classic picture of emotional instability:
Sandra feels inferior, does many unconventional things, has few
standards or ideals. Badly maladjusted, she flits from one boy to
another, seeking new thrills. Quite promiscuous and highly sexed, she
has had sexual affairs with 12 or 13 men. Somewhat popular while in
college, with attractive face and nice figure, she was dated by many
boys, none of whom even went with her for more than four dates. Easily
persuaded to any course of action, she could readily excuse any breach
of behavior. Changeable and selfish, but anxious to be known as a
“Campus Queen,” she openly sought dates and a sort of dubious and
short-lived popularity.

Because of her instability, total lack of standards, ideals and morals,
and her selfishness and shallowness, she is unlikely to marry unless she
catches a rich “sucker.” She is in six “danger zones” on her Audit
Profile. May the Lord help the poor man who is inveigled into marriage.
No boy has ever proposed marriage to her, a fact that has hurt her
vanity.
To pin emotional maturity down more specifically, here side by side are
eight traits, one or more of which are frequently noted in persons who are
considered “emotionally immature,” and eight noted in mature persons.

IMMATURE MATURE
1. Is aggressive and domineering. 1. Gets along with people.
2. Is rebellious and “bullheaded.” 2. Has satisfying home life.
3. Is full of hates and prejudices. 3. Profits from his mistakes.
4. Is often victim of illusions. 4. Is successful in his work.
5. Has many phobias, inhibitions. 5. Respects authority and customs.
6. Is victim of imaginary pains, stuttering, 6. He faces his problems.
hysteria, tremors, insomnia.
7. Is high-strung. 7. Accepts responsibility for own acts.
8. Is often indecisive and anxious. 8. He is consistent and predictable.

A person can be emotionally unstable and not show all of those
symptoms but he undoubtedly will show some of them.
What can anyone do to improve his control over his emotions, and thus
achieve greater emotional maturity? Here are a few suggestions:
—Try to look at yourself objectively. Try to do so especially in
connection with your relations with others. Are you reasonable rather
than prejudiced? Can you recognize that a man may be a fine person
even though he is a Republican or a Democrat, that he is a good person
even though he may be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honestly try
to make decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of
feelings, or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you? Sit down
every few weeks and try deliberately to look at yourself as others must
see you. Would you like yourself if you were someone else?
—Learn to laugh at yourself. The person who can laugh at himself,
or who can laugh at the things he loves and continue to love them, is the

person who is most likely to have insight into himself. And that insight
is important in emotional maturity. If you have a sense of the ridiculous
you can see fun in many of your own activities, and in doing so are able
to relax and feel happy. You learn to laugh at your troubles, yet at the
same time do your best to improve the situation. This ability to see the
ridiculous side acts as a cushion and helps you maintain your stability,
even when things are most exasperating.
—Set up a confidential relationship with some other person. Telling
your problems to another person helps you define the problem in your
own mind, it furnishes relief from the tensions you have built up, and it
brings another person’s point of view into the picture. One of the
biggest single values in marriage is the fact that it provides husband and
wife a confidant in each other, and gives them the confidential
relationship that is so important to mental integration.
—Seek work that satisfies you. Nothing will prevent you from getting
a hold on your emotions more than being confined every day to work
that is disagreeable to you. If you find it is uninteresting or doesn’t
challenge you or doesn’t offer any opportunity as a stepping stone to
more challenging work, change jobs. But do it intelligently, because the
person who is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk.
Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He had been
divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife, wants to divorce
her and marry a third woman. His job record shows that he has held thirty-
nine different jobs in his life. Is it any wonder that he is unlikely to find
happiness or stability in life? He does not know what he wants, can’t learn
from experience, and is pursuing a will-o’-the-wisp.
—When you have a problem face it squarely. Define the problem, get
all the facts, and line up alternative solutions in case the first course
isn’t successful. Many people seem incapable of defining their
problems. When they are faced with a frustrating situation, they
frequently are unable to vary their attack upon it. When a girl can’t get
her way she cries. Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but
it does not solve the problem. The emotionally mature person can keep

his head, figure out something to do, but the immature person gives up
or cries or gets drunk.
We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than to the
other four ages—physiological, mental, vocational and sexual—because it
is so fundamental to marriage success. If you find after reading this chapter
you want to know more about developing your own maturity, you will find
further suggestions in the chapters “Getting Along with the Other Sex,”
“Attracting the One You Want,” and “Crucial Traits for Marriage
Happiness.”
When all the five “ages” are taken into consideration it would seem that a
girl should not consider marriage until she is at least nineteen or twenty and
the man should not before he is twenty-one or twenty-two. Those are
minimum ages for normal men and girls. Those who develop slower than
average in any of the five ages should try to wait a year or two longer
before deciding about marriage.

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO MARRY?

Your chronological age is not as important as some of your other ages
in determining whether you are ready for marriage. The informal check
below may give you a rough idea of your maturity for marriage.

Physiological Maturity
Are you 20 years old or older? Yes No
Are you in general good health? Yes No
As far as you know is your glandular balance normal? Yes No
Mental Maturity
Did you finish the eighth grade without repeating more than one grade? Yes No
Do you read the news daily? Yes No
By age 20 had you completed at least two years of college or earned your own living
for 2 years? Yes No
Vocational Maturity
Are you prepared by education or experience to make a living in a specific
occupation, or in managing a home? Yes No
Have you attained your 22d birthday? Yes No
Do you have a job doing work for which you have prepared? Yes No
Sexual Maturity
Have you been dating at least once a month since age 16? Yes No
Are your attitudes toward sex free from disgust or aversion? Yes No

Were your parents easy to talk to about sex? Yes No
Emotional Maturity
Do you get along well with people? Yes No
Do you trust people and do they trust you? Yes No
Do you usually do today what is supposed to be done today? Yes No

Give yourself one point for each yes answer. You should have a total
score of at least twelve and should have no less than two yes answers in
each category if you are to be judged old enough to marry.

ARE YOU GROWN UP EMOTIONALLY?

More than almost anything else, your rating on “emotional maturity”
reveals your chances of achieving a happy marriage. Here is a more
detailed test of your rating on this crucial trait. Answer yes only if you
are sure.

1. Can you accept criticism without having your feelings hurt? Yes No
2. Are you normally free from jealousy? Yes No
3. When you have differences with people can you usually work out compromises
that satisfy you and don’t leave hard feelings? Yes No
4. Do you behave yourself because it seems the natural thing to do and not because
you fear the consequences of misbehaving? Yes No
5. Do you think most people are honest, decent and worth while? Yes No
6. Are you happy most of the time—and free from violent emotional outbursts? Yes No
7. Before beginning a new project or making a final decision do you honestly weigh
the arguments for and against it? Yes No
8. Can you be away from the place you live for a month without getting homesick? Yes No
9. Do you willingly abide by established authority and the customs of your
community? Yes No
10. Can you make your own personal decisions without depending on friends and
relatives to help you make up your mind? Yes No
11. Are you free from vague aches, nail biting, flustered stammering? Yes No
12. Can you postpone something you want to do now in order to have greater
enjoyment later? Yes No
13. Are you living zestfully in the present instead of bragging about past deeds? Yes No
14. Do you go to sleep easily and normally slumber without nightmares? Yes No
15. Do you get along well with your parents, relatives, and close friends? Yes No
16. When things go wrong do you find the cause and correct it instead of blaming
others or lamenting your bad breaks? Yes No
17. Are you living up to the responsibilities which go along with the privileges given
to you? Yes No

18. Have you friends among both sexes, some older and some younger than you are? Yes No

If you honestly answered yes to fourteen of these or more you are
more mature emotionally than the average person. If you answered yes
to sixteen or more you should have an exceptionally good chance for a
happy marriage.

Chapter IV
Is It Love—or Infatuation?
“Love” is unquestionably the most abused word in the English language.
People “love” puppies, or they “love” ice cream. Women commonly close
their letters to acquaintances with the word “love” as do all relatives when
they write to one another. Boys trying to get a kiss from their girl friends
mumble something about love. That’s to make the giving easier for the girl.
Then there are different kinds of genuine love. A mother loves her two-
year-old baby just as wholeheartedly as she loves her husband. And she
loves her husband now just as much as she did as a girl eight years ago
when she “fell” in love with him, but the love is different. She was more
misty-eyed then. She didn’t realize it but the earlier love was heavily
flavored by sexual attraction. Now sex is still present in her regard for her
husband but the bond is primarily a deep feeling of comradeship. And with
the baby, of course, true sexual feelings are not involved at all.
In all three of the cases, however, she had developed a deep concern for
the welfare of the loved one; and in all three of the cases the loved one had
similar feelings of attachment to her. Right here you have the gist of true
love, whether parental, conjugal or romantic.
Still, it is often difficult to know if your “love” is the real thing. Two out
of five of the girls who come to the Penn State Marriage Counseling
Service for advice about their affairs think they are in love but aren’t sure.
One girl was really confused. She reported that she was terribly in love
with two different men at the college. One was on the basketball team. The
other played in a campus orchestra. She did not know which one she loved
the more and wanted to be told which to choose. Tests soon established
beyond a doubt that she had the warmest kind of physical feeling for both

men. But the tests also showed that she was primarily fascinated by them as
“catches.” She wasn’t actually in love with either, and was so informed.
She was the victim of double infatuation. How can you tell love from
infatuation? Dr. Henry Bowman of Stephens College offers these points of
distinction:—
Infatuation may come suddenly but loves takes time.
Infatuation can be based on one or two traits (usually including sex
appeal) whereas love is based on many traits.
In infatuation the person is in “love” with love, whereas in love, the
person is in love with another person.
In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate entity and
employed for self-gratification. In real love there is a feeling of identity
with the other person.
Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful thinking
whereas love produces a sense of security.
In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc., whereas in
love you work and plan to please the other person.
The physical element is much more important in infatuation than in
love.
Infatuation may change quickly but love lasts.
In general you can be surer that it is really love if it has developed over a
period of time rather than if it comes all of a sudden.
But, you may ask, how about those couples who are “meant for each
other” and “fell in love at first sight.” Both are nice romantic notions, but
both have little validity in fact.
There is no one person in the world for anyone. We don’t expect happily
married couples or happily engaged couples to believe that but all the
evidence indicates it is true. There are hundreds, indeed thousands, of
people that you could fall in love with and be happily married to. (And
there are, of course, thousands and perhaps millions of people you would be
miserable with as mates.) The only sense in which there can be a “one and

only” for you is that there may be only one good prospect within your range
of possible acquaintanceship. It is the multitude of good possible mates that
sometimes makes it difficult for a girl to choose between two men. It is the
multitude of possibilities that produces triangular situations after marriages;
and it is this multitude of available mates in America that makes it possible
for a girl to find and love a man in her own community rather than to have
to go from Maine to California to meet a “one and only.”
As for instantaneous love, a girl has about as much chance of “falling in
love at first sight” as she does of becoming Cinderella. At times couples
experience “infatuation at first sight” which may or may not later mature
into love. And ordinarily the infatuation is based about eighty per cent on
sexual attraction. “Love at first sight” also often occurs when you come
across someone who happens to match your “phantasy ideal” for a mate. If
you have always dreamed of a bride with large brown eyes, a turned-up
nose and a shapely figure—and you are ripe for mating—you fall for the
first girl matching that description. It is a mighty hazardous way to try to
pick a mate.
Other people think they fall in love “at first sight” because they are
desperately anxious to have some one to hold to, and clutch at the first
person who comes along. They suffer from feelings of insecurity. This was
particularly true of girls during the war. One girl who came to the Penn
State clinic was rapturous about her coming marriage to an army lieutenant
stationed temporarily at the college. Why did she love him? She was pretty
vague about that and seemed to resent the question. What did they have in
common in the way of interests and ideals? The only thing she could think
of was that they both liked to bowl. It soon developed that what she was in
love with was the idea of getting married. She was twenty-seven and
nervous about her future. That she was sincerely convinced she was in love
with the man was a tribute to her own powers of self-deception. She
realized that she should in all decency be in love with the man she was
going to marry, and convinced herself that she was.
Frequently two people fall so madly in “love” soon after meeting that
they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so well known that
most marriage counselors rightfully question if a state of true love exists
when the two people feel they will die if they don’t get married tomorrow
or next week. Real love can wait. It can make sacrifices; it is not something

that has to be rushed. The more urgent the desire to get married
immediately, the greater the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the
infatuation may die out as abruptly as it sprang into being.
But why, you may ask, is love at first sight so improbable? Why can’t
you fall in love as easily immediately as you can after weeks of knowing
each other?
Here we get to the essence of love, which Webster’s dictionary defines
as: “Desire for, and earnest effort to promote the welfare of, another.” Love
is not a trap you fall into. It is a state of respect for and comradeship with
another that has developed from the fact that you both have similar tastes,
ideals and yearnings. Such comradeship cannot come as a result of one
date.
Cynics have said that “love is of all feelings the most egoistic and
consequently is, when crossed, the least generous.” That assumes love is
possessive and selfish. Genuine love as we understand it today is the
medium through which the fullest development of the personalities of a
man and woman may take place. And it involves a keen desire for the
welfare of the loved person. There is nothing egoistic about real love!
Here briefly are some conditions that are usually present before love can
develop:
—The two persons have had experiences together that have caused
each to react favorably to the other.
—They have each found present in the other qualities, standards and
ideals which they admire.
—Their sexual feelings have been so favorably conditioned, without
their realizing it, that they find great pleasure just in being in each
other’s presence.
—Each one in some way fulfills some of the motives that are of
importance to the other, such as desire for social approval or, with a
man, mastery.
There are many people for whom it is utterly impossible to fall in love.
For a few this is due to physical inadequacy. But to most it is a result of
unfavorable conditioning that has made them selfish or afraid of contact

with the opposite sex. How does a person get the ability to fall in love?
From a physical standpoint certain hormones pour into the blood stream of
a man or woman past puberty that create sexual tension. But that only starts
to explain the complexity of the love relationship.
Your ability to fall in love depends for the most part on your own
previous experience as far back as childhood. In the beginning, for
example, your mother met all your needs. Every time you cried your mother
rushed to you, to feed you, to give you a drink, to change your diaper or to
remove a pin that was sticking in you. Gradually in your mind the mother
becomes associated with everything pleasant, with eating, the relief of
thirst, the elimination of pain. You probably became attached to her with a
depth of love and affection that lasted for many years. Similarly your
mother received pleasure from hearing your coos when she gave you relief
from pain, she received the approval of your father for bearing you and the
admiring comments on you from the neighbors; and she satisfied her motive
of mastery by having something (you) under her control. Her love deepened
for you.
It has been observed in the South, where the nursemaids may often spend
more time with the child than the mother does that the child becomes more
favorably conditioned to the nursemaid than to the mother. That illustrates
that love is a learned process.
As you grew older and began playing with children you learned to like
those with whom playing was fun and you learned to dislike those where
your association was marked only by dissatisfaction and unpleasantness.
Similarly if your early associations with those of the opposite sex were
all marked by unpleasantness and nervous tension you tended to stick to
those of your own sex; but if they were marked with pleasure you turned
more and more to the other sex.
Even the appearance of the girl that a young man likes is due to pleasant
associations with other persons who had one or more of the characteristics
that his girl has. It is not just accident that girls are more likely to fall in
love with boys who have characteristics resembling their own fathers than
they are with boys who don’t. Similarly a boy is more likely to fall in love
with a girl who resembles his own mother than with a girl who doesn’t.

If your early life has been marked by strife in the home and tension in
your relation with people your own age, then you have been poorly
conditioned for the comradeship married love can provide. And you
probably will have the greatest difficulty finding happiness in marriage.
But if your relationships with people have been relatively serene, you
will find it easy to learn to love someone of the opposite sex. You will find
that when you do certain things you receive approval by way of happy
smiles and rewards. Gradually you learn to put your best foot forward. You
and your date both are conditioned to be on your best behavior and if you
have many things in common develop a deep friendship with each other.
Then, if the conditioning during the friendship is quite favorable, your
mutual feeling of appreciation and affection for each other grows and
finally ripens into love. There you have it.
In your love for each other you will both gradually become sexually
vibrant and you both will begin to feel a need for sexual expression through
each other. As this need becomes increasingly strong, you both begin to
think of engagement and marriage. Ideally when your need for each other
becomes so strong that it can no longer be denied, you are married.

ARE YOU REALLY IN LOVE?

The first thing many counselors like to find out when people come to
them about the possibility of marrying is to find out whether they are
actually in love. Here are some questions which quickly disclose
whether a person is afflicted with the real thing or is just infatuated by
good looks and sex appeal. Answer each question truthfully regardless
of what you think the correct answer should be.

1. Do you have a great number of things that you like to do together? Yes No
2. Do you have a feeling of pride when you compare your friend to any other you
have known? Yes No
3. Do you feel you need to apologize for certain things about him? Yes No
4. Do you suffer from a feeling of unrest when away from him or her? Yes No
5. Have you a strong desire to please him or her and are you quite glad to give way
on your own preferences? Yes No
6. Do you have any difficulty carrying on a conversation with each other? Yes No
7. Even when you quarrel do you still enjoy being together? Yes No

8. Do you actually want to marry this person? Yes No
9. Would you be afraid to trust him or her in the presence of another attractive
person of your own sex for an evening? Yes No
10. Does he or she have the qualities you would like to have in your children? Yes No
11. Do your friends and associates mostly admire this person and think he, or she,
would be a good match for you? Yes No
12. Do you ever wonder if he, or she, is faithful? Yes No
13. Do your parents think you are in love? (They are very discerning about such
things.) Yes No
14. Have you started planning, at least in your own mind, what kind of wedding,
children, and home you will have? Yes No
15. Are you conscious of being jealous of him, or her? Yes No
16. Is this person attractive to you not only in appearance but in the way he talks, acts
and thinks? Yes No
17. Do you approve generally of each other’s friends? Yes No
18. Do you wonder if he, or she, is being sincere in what he tells you? Yes No
19. Do you have a wealth of things to discuss and do together? Yes No
20. When outside trouble develops for one of you does the crisis tend to pull you
together rather than apart? Yes No
21. Are there many things on which you disagree? Yes No
22. Do you find that in thinking of the future it is always in terms of two rather than
of yourself alone? Yes No
23. Can you imagine how he or she will appear at 40 and still feel as deeply attached
to him as before? Yes No
24. Do you have serious doubts about your love for him? Yes No

If you have a perfect score you answered every third question (3, 6, 9,
12, 15, 18, 21, 24) with No and all the others with Yes. Did you have
twenty or more “correct” answers? If so, we would judge you to be
solidly in love. If you did not, you should be skeptical until you receive
further proof.

Chapter V
Growing Up Sexually
Your ability to undertake marriage successfully has already been
determined in large part before you even start. It has been determined by
experiences you have had with sex generally and with the opposite sex
particularly. Possibly you are already seriously handicapped by repressions
and fears on the subject.
To ignore or fear sex is no more sensible than to ignore any of the other
emotions you possess. Sexual desire is a natural desire. Without it your
personality would become impoverished. Without it there would be few
marriages. Without it there would be few children and few homes. Sex is
nothing to be ashamed of or be whispered about.
You can have love without sex and sex without love but neither alone is
very satisfying or enriching. For example many men are capable of sexual
activity with women for whom they could find no pleasure in social
associations. Were it not for this fact there would be no prostitution.
Likewise it is true there are many wives who love their husbands and
engage in sexual activity with them, but without feeling any sexual urge
whatsoever and without feeling any physical satisfaction.
The ideal arrangement, however, is that in which the two people have
genuine love and affection for each other and at the same time have strong
sex desire for each other and find sexual satisfaction in each other.
A very large proportion of the fears, repressions and anxieties that people
suffer from involve sex one way or another. Many of these repressions are
revealed in such things as frigidity and impotence. The individual who is
ashamed and afraid of sex will be repressed in married life unless the
attitude is corrected, and will find it difficult to adjust to marriage. When

such persons are married the feelings of shame or guilt about sex may
prevent sexual satisfaction. This lack of satisfaction, and the tension that
goes with it, may produce nervousness, aches and pains and even nervous
breakdowns.
Many married people, particularly wives, suffer from repression. While
sexual maladjustment is not the only cause of unhappiness in marriage it
does play a significant part. It is estimated that one-fifth of all married
people turn to masturbation as one of the ways to reduce the sexual tensions
not satisfied through intimate relationships with the mate.
How do these so-called repressions develop? Where do we learn about
sex?
Our sex experiences—whether good or bad—started when we were
babies. We reacted in a very favorable way to the fondling, caressing and
other skin stimulation of our mothers. Love and affection came to be
associated in our minds with fondling and stroking. Sometimes as the baby
grows older the parent lavishes too much affection on the child because the
mother is hungry for affection which is not forthcoming from her husband.
This excessive love-conditioning may cause the child to become intensely
attached to the mother and makes it difficult for the child to break away as
it grows up. Not only this, but in addition the excessive fondling and
favorable attention may cause the child to have an excessive desire for
sympathy and social approval. Ergo, we have a “spoiled child.” This spoiled
child grows up feeling very sorry for himself and insecure when he is not
receiving sympathy. In marriage, he or she becomes quite possessive
because he or she wants to be the constant center of attention.
But to get back to when you were a growing child. Many of the feelings
of guilt, shame or fear that people suffer from concerning sex begin then.
Perhaps the child is detected in the act of exploring his sex organs. It is
probably normal curiosity but the parents punish him so severely that the
child feels exceedingly guilty about it.
Perhaps the child hears a four-letter Anglo-Saxon word. Proud of this
new acquisition he comes home and uses it with his parents. The parents are
dumfounded, show their intense disapproval, and may wash the child’s
mouth out with soap.

Or perhaps the child asks how babies are made and the parent may rebuff
the child or act so mysterious that the child concludes he has done
something for which he should be ashamed.
On the other hand, if as a child you had a confidential relationship with
your parents and found that when you took such problems to them they
would try to give you answers you could comprehend you developed a
normal, healthy attitude toward sex. Repression usually occurs only when
something happens to us for which we feel ashamed or guilty or fearful.
It would seem to us that no child should be permitted to reach the age of
five or six without knowing where babies come from. It furthermore seems
to us that no child should reach the age of ten without knowing what
produces or causes babies.
Now we come to the period that affected you most profoundly in your
sexual development, puberty. Can you remember how your life and body
were changed from the time you were twelve to fourteen?—that is, when
you were first endowed with sexual capacity. Whether you were a boy or
girl, your sex glands (gonads) began pouring their hormones into the blood
stream in great quantities. Perhaps you did not realize it at the time but you
began feeling more tense, more energetic, and began exhibiting what might
be called “animal spirits.” Farmers shake their heads sadly at their
youngsters during this period and resign themselves to the fact that the
youths won’t be over “Fool’s Hill” until they are sixteen.
It probably was during your early teens that you had your first great
“love” affair, if you were normal. Puppy love is one of the sweetest loves
that one ever has. It usually makes its appearance at about the time the girl
begins to menstruate and the boy becomes capable of having sexual
emissions.
This first love of yours was romantic and idealistic. Probably you “fell in
love” with a girl in the next aisle, passed notes to her and picked flowers on
the way to school for her. You walked home together after school and if you
did manage to conquer your embarrassment and kiss, it is a kiss you will
never forget.
You did not realize that those hormones pulsing through your body were
responsible for this “crush” and did not realize why you were more tense

and energetic. To reduce the tension, though, you looked at each other and
something about your past conditioning made each of you find something
appealing in the other. Sometimes these first “loves” endure but more likely
you are soon both in “love” with new “flames” that suddenly appeared
more appealing. Puppy love, you see, is an early version of infatuation.
As a child your sexual feelings were diffused over the body surface but
with puberty those feelings came more and more to be localized in certain
sensitive areas of the body, called “erogenous zones,” if you had normal
contacts with the other sex. In the case of girls whose contact with sex is
carefully guarded, however, it is quite possible that sex desire may remain
diffused until marriage and the loss of virginity.
The appearance of the menstrual discharge can be a profoundly
frightening event for a girl unless she has been prepared to expect it. Often
it marks the beginning of fears that carry over even into marriage.
Take the case of Alice, a school superintendent’s daughter, who was
reared in a stern atmosphere of morality. When she asked where babies
came from her mother first rebuked her and when she persisted in inquiring
the mother said they were brought in the medical bags of physicians. When
she reached the age of menstruation, for which her mother had not prepared
her, she thought a terrible calamity had befallen her. She naïvely believed
for several months that she was having a baby. Later the only information
she ever acquired on sex was through bull sessions with other girls at
college, and there the information was misleading. She was fearful of sex
and when, during her freshman year, a boy tried to kiss her she reacted very
strongly. She felt that she must not be a nice girl or a boy would not think of
trying to kiss her. Her mother had told her that nice girls did not kiss boys.
Today Alice is twenty-nine and still not married. Furthermore she seems
like a very poor prospect. She has reacted frigidly to all overtures of grown
men to kiss her even though she feels she should marry. To her “sex” is
animal passion and its only rightful function is reproduction. She has so
many repressions about sex that she cannot act normally in the presence of
someone of the opposite sex.
Here is how the repressions operate with Alice. She does her best not to
think about sex. She avoids situations or circumstances that would involve
sex by staying away from people of the opposite sex, by not going to dances

and by refraining from doing things that would in any way bring sex to
mind. Her life is a desperate hide-and-seek with sex. Furthermore her
repression is so effective that she won’t even admit that a sexual problem
exists for her.
Sometimes direct fear conditioning may occur. In one girl who was
referred to the Penn State clinic there was an intense fear of being with
well-educated people. When all the facts were learned, it was discovered
that in her early teens the girl had been detected masturbating by her
mother. To frighten her out of the habit the mother told her that such a
practice would change her facial appearance so much that any educated
person looking at her would know she was a masturbator. The girl, already
ashamed of her habit, felt so much guilt that she started avoiding anyone
who had a college education because she believed such people could see
her secret in her face. It took many months of treatment to get her to the
place where she could associate with college people with ease.
It is our opinion that much of the sexual maladjustment of the world is
brought about by parents giving their children the impression that sex is
shameful, disgusting, fearful or nasty.
One young man came into the psychological clinic complaining of severe
indigestion, heartburn and excruciating stomach pains. When asked what he
thought the trouble was he said it probably was caused by his habit of
drinking a couple of beers three or four times a week. He had made many
efforts to stop drinking the beer, but in vain. The companionship of the
other young men with whom he drank, the feeling of tension reduction that
he felt while drinking, the partial release of some of his inhibitions under
alcohol all prevented him from breaking the habit. He had never been drunk
yet he was sure that the half-dozen glasses of beer a week were causing his
stomach trouble and would ultimately lead to ulcers or cancer.
In working with this young man it was found that he had begun
masturbating in adolescence. His father had discovered this and had
severely denounced him for the practice. The boy could not, or did not, give
up masturbation and was in constant fear that he would go insane because
his father told him that continued masturbation always led to insanity. In
reading an old-fashioned book on sex which his father gave him, the boy
ran across a statement to the effect that alcohol weakened the sex drive. He

was so anxious to reduce his own drive, for fear of insanity, that he began
drinking beer habitually. He was so sure the alcohol was reducing his sex
drive that he stopped masturbating. Actually, of course, the sex drive was
still present and his repression and anxiety were transferred from
masturbating to beer drinking, with the physical symptoms already
described. By helping the young man understand how he had become
unfavorably conditioned to masturbation (which, while an inferior or
substitute adjustment, is a natural act) he lost all of his stomach symptoms
and gained a wholesome attitude about sex.
How can sexual inhibitions and repressions be “unlearned?” The best
thing to do of course is consult a good clinical psychologist or competent
psychiatrist. Extensive psychotherapy may be needed. But here are some
things that an individual can do that may help:
—Develop a friendly confidential relationship with some other
person who can be trusted and bit by bit unburden yourself of your
fears, anxieties, problems and frustrations. Simply getting things out of
one’s system brings tension release. Not only that but as one talks about
his problems and feelings toward them, he begins to define the problem
and see possibilities of attacking and solving the problem himself. And
the friend may have some helpful suggestions.
—Deliberately associate with people of the opposite sex as much as
possible if repression is present. Gradually this will help reduce tensions
as you become used to them and if the conditioning is favorable you
may achieve wholesome and normal reactions to the opposite sex.
—Acquire adequate information about sexual behavior. Good books
are available today in the field of sex (note bibliography in the back of
this book).
—Even bull sessions can be helpful though much of the information
you will hear may be erroneous or inadequate. The freedom of
expression in the sessions and the opportunity to talk help one feel less
repressed and more natural when sexual matters come up.
All young unmarried people should realize that the sexual emotion is just
as much a hunger as a hunger for food and that in marriage their personality
is enriched when the sexual hunger is satisfied.

While all this association with the opposite sex is going on, the girl or
young man is learning what kind of a mate he wants in marriage. It is only
through these experiences (starting with puppy love) that they begin to set
standards and qualifications of the persons they would like to marry. The
typical boy or girl needs to date a good many persons before they know the
kind they would like to have as a mate, to decide upon the minimum
standards they wish.
In going with one girl the boy learns to appreciate music and decides he
wants a wife who can play the piano. In going with another girl he finds he
wants a girl who is brunette, who is reasonably tall, who is relatively slim.
In going with a third girl he discovers he wants a person who has as much
education as he does and who is interested at least politely with mechanical
things, which happen to be his passion. In going with still another girl he
discovers that it is important to him for her to have control of her temper, to
be friendly to people, to be gracious in manner, to be kind and considerate.
And so it goes. It is only through such experiences that a man gradually
learns what he wants in a wife and what is important to him.
In contrast, it is ignorance of what one wants that may prevent you from
ever achieving a happy marriage. Not knowing what you want or need, you
may marry the first person with whom you become infatuated.
Today there are nearly twenty-five thousand different occupations in the
country. More people are completing high school—and college—than ever
before in history. The radio and automobile have broadened man’s horizon.
Thus for the man today a selection of a wife from among a half-dozen girls
whom he has known would be a hazardous selection. As we have said
before, he would need to know at least twenty-five eligible single girls—
and date at least a dozen of them—before he could be fairly sure of finding
one that would meet his wants and needs.

Chapter VI
Sex Adventuring
In the course of looking over the field for mates a large part of our young
people become involved in bodily petting and complete intimacy. How
widespread are such premarital sex relations? All the factual studies would
indicate that there has been a steady increase. Dr. L. M. Terman, whose
book Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness, published in 1938,
reports a study he made of 792 couples, concludes:
“The trend toward premarital sex experience is proceeding with
extraordinary rapidity.”
Of older couples who married around 1910, he found fifty per cent of the
men and eighty-seven per cent of the women had been virgins at the time of
marriage. In contrast, of those who married about ten years ago only
fourteen per cent of the men and thirty-two per cent of the women were
virgins at marriage. Dr. Terman predicted:
“If the drop should continue at the average rate shown ... virginity at
marriage will be close to the vanishing point” for males marrying after 1955
and for girls marrying after 1960.
It’s a rare high school nowadays that doesn’t have an occasional pregnant
girl, unmarried, in its midst. In one city more than two hundred such
pregnancies occurred last year. Most of the sexual experiences today—
especially for girls—are with people they eventually marry. But even in this
respect the trend indicates that more and more young people are having
intercourse with persons they do not marry than has ever been true before in
our history. The trend is more pronounced for men than it is for girls. This
can be understood in view of the fact that it is the woman who gets
pregnant, and not the man.

Of couples marrying today, a relatively high percentage have complete
physical intimacy before the wedding night. The rate seems to be higher
among the lower economic classes than in the higher levels.
This does not mean the morals of the upper classes are higher but
probably is due to the fact that girls in the upper group—who have lived at
women’s or other colleges—have more inhibitions. After marriage they
often have greater trouble having climactic sexual experience than girls
who only went to high school, because of these inhibitions. Probably less
than one-third of such wives regularly experience orgasm.
Why has premarital intimacy become more widespread in recent years?
There appear to be several major explanations:
—The tensions of two wars and a major depression which led to
postponement of marriage but not necessarily to postponement of
gratification. Also during the war many girls threw their ideals to the
wind in an attempt to find or give happiness on a friend’s last furlough.
—Religion is not as much concerned with sexual taboos today as it
was a generation ago.
—We have removed chaperonage and parents generally are more
tolerant of their children’s behavior and build in them fewer repressions
than in past years.
—The widespread dissemination of birth-control information and the
improved techniques in preventing venereal disease have reduced the
penalties of indulgence.
—Our people are more mobile today so that it is possible for a young
couple to experiment sexually with less likelihood that their parents will
find out about them. Boys have access to automobiles in which they can
take girls to secluded spots. Hotels have relaxed their restrictions about
verifying the “Mr. and Mrs.” of couples who register. Tourist camps
rarely had any restrictions to start with. Finally the war took millions of
our young people away from their home communities.
In short, the old controls of society have relaxed or are in the process of
breaking down. The same is true in Great Britain where studies during the

war indicated that one out of every three births was conceived prior to
marriage.
While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones pulsing
through their bodies and because it makes them feel more “grown up,” girls
engage for somewhat different reasons, though thrill is a factor. Girls in
their teens do not have nearly as high a sex drive as boys of the same age.
Whereas a man reaches the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a
girl does not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because of
the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more sheltered,
guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and inhibitions
about sex than men.
Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are afraid
they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give kisses as rewards
to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is believed that at least one-half
of female sex delinquents get little or no pleasure from the sex activity.
They indulge primarily to get something else they want: the prestige and
pleasure of having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The
prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling. Rather she
does it to obtain certain other things she considers important, such as
spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc.
Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men they
must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider bold petting one of
the most effective techniques of aggression. Actually aggression of any kind
usually has an adverse effect on a man, and the emotions generated in the
girl by petting may lead to a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration.
It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck or
pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young people engage in
necking and petting to some extent. But what can be said for and against
unmarried couples practicing complete physical intimacy before marriage?
What arguments have been advanced in favor of it?
First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist in the
wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You will know
better whether you and the mate would be compatible sexually. One
religious sect in this country takes a unique view on premarital experience.
Couples do not marry until a child is conceived. In this way the groom-to-

be can rest assured his bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here
is that many premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged
in under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering of sexual
desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is accompanied by feelings of
fear or guilt or shame—as is frequently the case in premarital affairs—
permanent scars are left on the participants. Usually a person can get just as
accurate a clue of what married love would be with a specific individual by
petting and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual
aftermath of shame and guilt.
Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex relations is
that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This argument is based on the
well-known fact that most young people are mature enough physically to
marry several years before economic factors make marriage advisable. So
why wither away while waiting? They point to the spinsters who shrivel up
for lack of love. This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in
this chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in addition to
coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are virtually as effective.
The withered spinsters are that way because they employ no outlets
whatsoever.
On the other side—the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised
before marriage—we have first of all the fact that society frowns on such
intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread it is still illicit love, with
all the psychological problems it involves. The idea that the bride and
groom be virgins at the start of their marriage is the product of the
experience of most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something.
Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be destructive to
the social group that permits it to take place.
Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy hurts
or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there is no question
how it affects persons indulging on a casual basis. We have authoritative
information on this point. In one carefully conducted research, the records
of twenty-five girls were picked at random—girls who, according to their
test scorings, were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally.
These girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one
admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or more
men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof that

promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally. And being
unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for marriage.
Finally here are some specific dangers that every person considering
complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of:
—Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage.
—If the child is aborted the possibility of permanent sterility or other
injury must not be forgotten.
—The probability that the illicit relationship may become known to
members of your social group, if not to your parents.
—Probability that even though temporary relief from sexual tension
is achieved you may suffer from feelings of shame, guilt, or remorse.
—Possibility that your future spouse may discover that you have had
sexual relations with another person. It may prey on his or her mind
despite the fact that he goes through with the marriage.
—The possibility that the intimacy is practiced under conditions so
nerve-racking and undesirable that they cheapen the meaning of the act.
—The risk of venereal disease.
—The possibility—if you are a girl—that the relationship is
exploitive. Perhaps the man is seeking his own satisfaction with little
regard for the girl or her feelings.
After those warnings regarding complete intimacy are given we would
like to make it clear that premarital kissing and petting do have a legitimate
function. Recently a nurse trainee came to the Penn State clinic; she was
overwrought. She said her current boy friend had laid his hand across her
breast. Had she been prudish in becoming upset? She was assured that she
hadn’t been. But she was urged not to let the incident drive her to aloofness.
Frigidness can wreck one’s chances for a happy marriage just as surely as
promiscuity.
It is entirely natural for a mutually attracted young couple to desire to
caress each other. It is one of nature’s techniques for encouraging mating.
Without it we would have fewer marriages—and children. It is harmful only

when the attachment between the two people is completely sexual and they
rush into an early marriage, or into intercourse without marriage.
Take for example Dorothy and Bob, who wanted some last-minute advice
before marrying. Obviously they were crazy about each other. To them a
kiss or embrace was a way to convey their adoration. Everything pointed to
their being truly in love and the tests showed them to be well-matched. To
deny them such expression of affection when together would not only
frustrate their love but might even impair their adjustment in marriage.
Their kind of innocent petting however should not be confused with the
“exploitive” kind practiced by a student we’ll call Hale. He said quite
casually that he “loves ’em and leaves ’em.” Investigation showed that was
precisely what he did. And while he was apparently not as irresistible as he
implied, he did find some girls to join him in his sex adventuring. Some
naïvely fell for his line. Others joined in quite frankly for the thrill involved
in exploring each other. Both Hale and two of the promiscuous girls
involved showed in their tests strong traces of emotional instability which
would make them poor marriage prospects. Before a girl becomes involved
in any petting she should make sure in her own mind that it is not the
“exploitive” kind.
Caressing or petting becomes definitely dangerous when physical contact
and stimulation become ends in themselves. In the case of an engaged
couple in love the intimacy is not just an end in itself but an expression of
affection. The important thing is that sexual feeling should develop and
grow out of the friendship and courtship of two people, it should not be the
initial basis for it. There is likely to be exploitation involved if a couple feel
impelled to engage in petting during the first few dates. Petting is
progressive and can carry a couple much further than they intend to go.
That is the big danger.
Ideally a couple should marry when their friendship and courtship have
developed in them such strong sexual feelings toward each other that there
is a physical and psychological need for satisfaction. This is why society is
more tolerant of petting after a couple become engaged. It is nature’s
preparation for marriage. The trouble of course is in the serious lag
involved between the time a couple may be ripe physically for marriage and
the time they are prepared vocationally and emotionally to marry. We still

have our child brides in backwoods areas but most modern Americans do
not consider it feasible to marry until they are well in their twenties. And in
our civilization that is proper. But it does impose serious temptations on the
people who have to wait.
From the time they pass out of adolescence young people—especially
men—need outlets for the sexual tensions building up within them. There
seems little doubt to us that refraining from any sort of sexual expression
does impair one’s psychological balance and mental health. Personality can
be damaged and physical health may be damaged. But if we rule out
climactic sexual relations with another person what alternatives are left?
There are three major forms this can take.
—Climaxes in the dream world. This is most common with men and
produces their nocturnal emissions.
—Substitution. This usually means masturbation. Many people think
that masturbation is a sin, that it will produce insanity, that it leads to
skin blemishes or pimples, that it is something disgusting or filthy, that
it stunts your growth. All the evidence indicates that none of these is
true. A noted psychiatrist, O. Spurgeon English, recently said: “Most all
psychiatrists, psychologists, and educators today regard masturbation as
a normal phenomenon ... indulged in to some degree by all human
beings during the course of their development.” As we see it,
masturbation is a relatively harmless method of reducing tension
providing feelings of guilt and shame are not connected with it and
providing of course that it is not done excessively.
—Sublimation. You “sublimate” a sexual hunger, or handle it on a
“high” socially approved plane by such things as dancing and
associating a great deal with persons of the other sex. A young person is
greatly helped in this if he is permitted to date at an early age (fifteen is
not too young) and encouraged to bring his date to his home.
Sublimation cannot reduce sexual hunger but it helps to take your mind
off it.
If there is no outlet for these feelings through normal and natural
associations with the opposite sex and if parental instruction on sex has
been inadequate, really abnormal sex behavior may result.

The most common form of maldevelopment probably is homosexuality.
It was once believed that homosexuals were “born that way.” But now it is
known that the great majority of them, male and female, are normal in a
bodily sense. Their abnormal behavior is clearly the result of unfortunate
conditioning. Perhaps a boy was pampered too much as a child and has had
little chance to mingle with the other sex, and then is rebuffed when he
attempts to make dates because he seems namby-pamby or effeminate.
While being forced away from associating with girls the hormones are
being poured into his blood stream. The boy becomes tense without
realizing why and without any outlet to reduce the tension. Bit by bit he
may turn to persons of his own sex for sexual satisfaction, first perhaps
through mutual masturbation and finally through homosexuality.
It is known that there is much more homosexuality in girls’ or boys’
schools than there is at co-educational institutions. One study showed that
one-third of married women have had at some time in their unmarried days
intense emotional relations with other women, even though some did not
recognize the behavior as sexual in character. There is every reason to
believe that more women engage in homosexual behavior than is true of
men. This is understandable in view of the fact that expressions of affection
between women are much more acceptable than is true of expressions of
affection between men. Nobody thinks anything of two women greeting
each other with a kiss, walking hand in hand or with arms clasped about
each other. Men would be looked upon suspiciously if they engaged in any
such behavior.
Still other abnormal outlets sexual feeling will take if it is not provided
with normal or acceptable forms of expression are:
—Voyeurism, or “Peeping Tom” behavior, brought about by curiosity
about sexual behavior of other individuals because the person is
repressed and lacks sexual information himself.
—Fetishism, which produces an unnatural sex attachment to objects
rather than persons. The objects may be shoes, hair curls, wearing
apparel. The possession and fondling of such articles create arousal and
satisfaction of sex feelings.

—Pedophilia, or unnatural attachment for children, perhaps because
it offers them a “safe” way to inspect and caress human anatomy.
—Sadism and masochism. The first feeling comes from inflicting
pain on another, the second from having pain inflicted on one’s self.
This involves the sensual feeling of pleasure-after-pain which we have
already mentioned.
But to get back to the problem of finding socially approved outlets for
sexual feeling before marriage. We would advise couples rigorously to
refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other below-the-shoulder petting
until marriage is fairly imminent if they hope to abstain from intercourse
before marriage. The excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into
complete intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far.
We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should go
in their petting, but feel that every young person—as a part of his or her
personal philosophy of life—should decide just what his limits should be.
When the limit is set here are some hints on how to make it stick.
—Reserve even your good-night kisses for people you are genuinely
fond of. A girl should not cheapen them by letting a casual date lead her
to the davenport to collect a reward for taking her out. And don’t fall
into the error of thinking that free-and-easy petting will increase your
popularity. It won’t except with people who would make unstable mates
anyway.
—Limit carefully the time you are alone with a person of the other
sex under romantic conditions. It is almost a “rule of love” that the
longer a couple are alone with nothing much to do, the greater the
likelihood they will pet. Several college girls tell us they never agree
finally to a date until they are sure there will be something definite to do
—go to the movies, dance or play gin rummy. If parents or school
authorities set a time limit for you to be home they are really doing you
a favor.
—Learn to sense when either is becoming physically aroused and
stop. Again college girls tell us that when they recognize the danger

signals they suggest to the man that they dance, go for a soda or take a
walk.
—Learn that alcoholic beverages may relax your inhibitions to the
point where you will go much further than you intended. That is why
some people wisely refrain from drinking or limit themselves severely
while on a date.

ARE YOU WARM OR COOL BY NATURE?

Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity of
emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own
responsiveness.

1. Were you reared in an affectionate family? Yes No
2. Do you become excited at a close football or baseball match? Yes No
3. Are you strongly moved by sentimental music or a romantic movie? Yes No
4. When friends are away a week do you feel their absence a great deal? Yes No
5. Do you have a wide circle of acquaintances and friends? Yes No
6. Does it help you to take your troubles to friends? And do you want them to bring
their troubles to you? Yes No
7. Are you fond of children? Yes No
8. Do you compliment others frequently—and sincerely? Yes No
9. Does it distress you to see someone in pain? Yes No
10. Do you feel you are actively affectionate with the person of the opposite sex that
you like best? Yes No
11. Do you fed you are free from repressions? Yes No
12. When your feelings are hurt do you get over the hurt quickly? Yes No
13. Do you participate in two or three social organizations? Yes No
14. Do you find it easy to mix with casual acquaintances? Yes No
15. In associating with people of the opposite sex are you open and natural rather
than stand-offish? Yes No
16. Do you consider yourself well-adjusted sexually? Yes No
17. Do you like to look after a sick person? Yes No
18. Were your own parents affectionate? Yes No

If you answered yes to fifteen or more of these you are a warm,
ardent person and should be able to work out a satisfying sexual
adjustment in marriage. If you answered yes to nine or less you appear
to be reserved and cool by nature. Your best chance in marriage will be
with a person of similar disposition.

Chapter VII
Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?
Getting along with the other sex is one of the most important skills you will
ever learn—if you do learn it.
If you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in other aspects
of your life. Failure to get along with others is undoubtedly one of the
biggest reasons why people fail at their jobs. Far more people are dropped
from their positions or are passed over in awarding promotions because of
personality inadequacies than are dropped because of technical
incompetence. The person who can’t get along well on a job is usually not a
good risk in marriage. And the person who cannot get along with
acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage.
Likewise, when you find a happily married person you will also usually
find a person who is happy in his work and in his social contacts. And
whether or not you get along with people—particularly of the other sex—
depends primarily upon the sort of training you had in childhood. Professor
Terman found that happily married people were people whose own parents
had been happily married ... were people who had a great deal of love and
affection for their parents ... were people who had been punished only
mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been disciplined firmly but
not harshly. It is not impossible to replace bad traits with good but it will
become increasingly difficult with each passing year.
How do you impress people of the other sex? Did you ever stop to ask
yourself that? To find the answer you will have to adopt the attitude
Socrates is alleged to have recommended: “Know thyself.”
Have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and
liabilities? Perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so long that

you aren’t aware of them, but which greatly annoy people you want to
know better. Or perhaps the traits are not downright offensive but weaken
your appeal. The test in this chapter, “Do You Have a Negative or Positive
Personality?” may help you in making an inventory.
If you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the other
sex try to get to the root of your trouble. If people do not ask you out, why
don’t they? If some dislike or avoid you, what is the explanation? If some
people seem merely to tolerate you, what is the trouble? If you feel you do
not have as much influence in your group as you would like to, what is
undermining your influence? Below we are going to point out a dozen of
the major trouble-making characteristics. Perhaps some of them may apply
to you.

Do You Feel Uncomfortable in the Presence of the Opposite Sex? Perhaps
you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority, feelings which may come
from your lack of association—compared to other persons your own age—
with the opposite sex, or perhaps you have been thrown into a more
“sophisticated” group than you were accustomed to. Another possibility is
that you lack the knowledge to intermingle suavely. Perhaps you still feel
clumsy—and must watch your feet—while dancing. Perhaps you dread the
ceremony of introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette
involved. Perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the
occasion. Perhaps you don’t know when to use the right fork or spoon.
Perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good night to a date, or
how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening.
The answer to this type of problem is simple. If you feel ill at ease
because you feel you are a poor dancer, then learn to be a better dancer.
Take lessons, or simply practice on your own living-room floor. If it is
etiquette that bothers you read any of a dozen books on the subject, and
watch carefully how others around you behave. One more thing—if you are
haunted by feelings of inferiority, learn to do some one thing superlatively
well, even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy. This will bring you
recognition from the group and ease your feelings of self-consciousness.

General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest asset one
can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the famed Powers Model
Agency, tells his new models that the biggest thing they have to learn is
self-assurance, and he quotes to them General Eisenhower’s remark.

Are You Aloof? Many young people, after they have been bruised a couple
of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap their ego up in a
protective shell so that no one can hurt them again. Other people,
particularly girls, want to be dated so badly and feel so anxious about not
being dated more that they “freeze” when anyone approaches them for a
date. They are anxious not to appear over-anxious, and again aloofness
results. Finally, girls who teach often frighten men away through their
aloofness. The teacher often carries into her dating, unconsciously, the
reserve she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons.
Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted by the
opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates are frightened
away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a bit haughty.

Do You Have a “Low Boiling Point” Emotionally? Some of us have built
up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with persons of the
opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers, act rudely, show our anxieties,
or go to pieces. They lead inevitably to quarrels with our boy friends or girl
friends. If you are easily upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself
involved in temper outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly
repelling to anyone in the opposite sex interested in you.

Do You Daydream Frequently? The daydreaming itself does not annoy
others, but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your best.
Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation of satisfactions

you do not achieve in real life. When you let your daydreams become a
substitute for real achievement, your personality is definitely slipping and
the outcome may be dangerous. If you must daydream, make it planful.

Do You Often Complain About Your Health? It is bad enough for your
marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse if you complain of
your aches and pains. You not only bring the other person’s attention even
more on your short-comings, but reveal yourself to be something of a
hypochondriac, who is defined in Webster’s dictionary as a person suffering
from “a mental disorder characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient’s
health....”

Do You Blame Your Troubles and Mistakes on Others? This is one of the
most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psychologists call it the habit
of “projection.” You project your failures upon somebody else. The boy
says he is not able to get along with girls because his father will not let him
have the car. The girl blames her failure to have dates upon her mother for
not giving her the right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious
than first appears. In the first place, one’s listeners are not fooled by such
projections, and in the second place the individual who gets into such a
habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses opportunity for making
improvement.

Are You Intolerant of People Who Are Not Like You? Broadmindedness
or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us. To be
broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be both intelligent and well
informed. Intolerance and bigotry are either based on ignorance of other
people or on a mind that knows the facts but is all twisted up. One should
not confuse broadmindedness with low standards and ideals. A

broadminded person may be tolerant of an individual whose own standards
are low even though the broadminded person tries to live by practical,
realistic and decent standards. You can be an unchanging believer in a
particular religion or be an invariable follower of one political party, but at
least you should keep from ramming your personal views down the throats
of others. When you voice intolerances you usually antagonize
acquaintances who are startled by your narrow views.

Are You Argumentative? Many persons, because of their biases or
prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They hope by
arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own views. The louder
they shout the more persuasive their argument—so they think. Actually,
arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And the one sure result is that it will
create hard feelings, if engaged in vehemently. As long as a discussion can
remain good humored and considerate, with nobody raising his voice or
becoming agitated, worth-while ideas may be exchanged.

Do You Bore People by Your Talking? Do you chatter inanely or do you
annoy people by constantly talking “shop?” One can talk about one’s job
without talking “shop.” The important difference is that he talks about those
aspects of his occupation that will interest an outsider with normal curiosity.
And he talks about his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding
his head that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly so
important as being able to talk in a congenial way. The congenial person
sees that conversations cover only topics that are mutually interesting, and
he avoids talking too much. Further, he is sensitive enough to catch the
mood of the other person and is flexible enough to join in that mood.
Finally, the congenial talker is sensitive enough to lead the conversation
away from subjects that will only bring conflict.

Are You Self-centered? Perhaps you were “spoiled” as a child or are so
richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel yourself to be
the center of the universe. For example, the girl may have temper tantrums
in public, she may humiliate her escort by biting sarcasm or devastating
scorn. Often her escort simply serves as a foil for her “brilliance” or good
looks. She frightens her man away because he sees himself going through
life as a planet in her orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such;
what she wants is a background for her own personality. After being hurt by
her a few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on his
injured ego.

Are You Aggressive? A man may offend decent girls by being aggressively
“on the make.” A girl may be aggressive by being a “gold-digger,” and
scare men away by being both expensive and inconsiderate. Or she may be
aggressive simply in the sense that she is worried about the shortage of
males and sets out grimly to get a man before it is too late. In match-
making, man is jealously proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his
traditional role usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overt signs
of aggression by a girl.

Are You Repelling Physically? Most girls like to have a man who is taller
than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved.
Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity or thinness,
very dark or very light complexion, poor motor coördination, seriously
impaired vision, impaired hearing, unbecoming teeth, body odor, a general
appearance of being weak and easily tired detract greatly from one’s
personality. Other things that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos, the
appearance of being under-sexed. In general a person should never be more
than twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height.
In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, orthodentistry,
dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of most irregular features. And

those that can’t be removed can be overshadowed. The physical paralysis of
the late President Roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of
the great personal charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas
Edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for his
genius.
Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes on
others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like women and women
like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to each other. Halitosis,
perspiration odors, clothing odors resulting from wearing clothing in places
of work where the air is redolent with manufacturing processes, may ruin
your chances for marrying the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is
in good health, who is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids wearing
clothing saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid
perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant. Perfume should be used
to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and not to mask
unpleasant ones.
Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a person’s
chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance. The trouble is that
a person with a prominent nose or big feet is so concerned about the
specific defects that he convinces himself he presents an ugly appearance.
He develops feelings of inferiority, and that is where the real trouble begins.
The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight in the eye,
whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking and better liked than
the individual who does not do these things. The restful physical position,
the alert face and animated expression convey to others the feeling that you
are poised. Poise and self-confidence make up a large part of “good looks.”
Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you have
some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting a desirable mate,
how can the habit be broken? It is not easy. There are two major thoughts to
keep in mind in trying to break a habit. First, once you decide to break the
habit, you must not let any exception occur. The reforming drunkard who
has trouble walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain of
violations. The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker the urge to
drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any trouble at all, and in
fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking a habit is to substitute

something in the habit’s place. A person wants to stop eating sweets.
Several years ago one of the cigarette manufacturers sold millions of
cigarettes by proposing that a person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a
cigarette instead of a sweet. This was the principle of substitution. A
substitute for a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this. He
can reason:
“I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not to bite my
nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is much more important that
my nails look acceptable if I am to get dates. I would rather have dates than
bite my fingernails.” Such a bigger goal may help you break any habit that
offends people you want to impress.
Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create than
men. Here is some advice to women that one investigator, a man, offered
after making a study of the habits of women:
—Don’t wear styles that men consider queer.
—Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned by such
things as hair curlers, awkward positions and postures, unattractive
sounds in the throat, making up in public.
—Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses you;
he may feel slighted by inattention.
—Don’t nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women—
anywhere but where the nagger is.
—Don’t tell off-color stories or use coarse language. Most men resent
them in women.
—Don’t show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman.
—Don’t compare your male companion unfavorably with another
man.
—Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his attention.

DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY?

Subtract five points for each of the repelling traits you possess. (Be
honest.) And add five points for each of the appealing traits you can
honestly claim as a consistent part of your personality.

Repelling Traits Appealing Traits
1. Jealous Broadminded
2. Irritable Loyal to friends
3. Unbecoming teeth Truthful
4. Unpleasant body odor Tolerant
5. Intolerant Considerate
6. Uncomfortable in groups Affectionate
7. Full of anxieties Optimistic
8. Hot-tempered Good humored
9. Inclined to daydream Tactful
10. Rude Generous
11. Blame others for mishaps Enthusiastic
12. “Go to pieces” when upset Ability to accept criticism
13. Bite your nails Admit mistakes
14. Loud in talking Don’t make excuses
15. Profane habitually Dress appropriately
16. Laugh at mistakes of others Possess good health
17. Flaunt your knowledge Friendly
18. Talk about your bad health Modulated voice
19. Argumentative Reasonable
20. Brusque Congenial conversationalist
21. Aggressive Neat
22. Uncoöperative Clean
23. Lack confidence in self Correct use of English
24. Domineering Good posture and carriage
25. Selfish High ideals
26. Crude Consistently dependable
27. Egocentric (conceited) Naturalness
28. Gossipy Frankness
29. Unpredictable Attractive teeth
30. Envious of others Unselfish

If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that you
are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by an
unattractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight of the
repelling characteristics (regardless of the number of appealing traits
you checked) you have grounds for concern about the impression you
create. However, if you checked five or less of the repelling traits and

ended with a total positive score of more than one hundred you
apparently have an unusually appealing personality.

Chapter VIII
Attracting the One You Want
Will You marry the one person you have met whom you would like most to
marry, will you have to be content with a second choice, or will you have
no choice at all? The answer will depend on how appealing a person you
are. And frequently that appeal can be enhanced by knowledge of
techniques for winning the romantic interest of persons of the other sex.
The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the
prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of a mate
... that you are the person who can best fit that need ... and that the time is
ripe for marriage.
First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man thinking
along those lines:
—She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle, impersonal
way by discussing such things as good food, comfortable furniture,
fireplaces, a place where one can bring friends. She gets his ideas on the
style of home he likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all
this in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of the
disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are particularly
responsive to such an approach because their shifting, destructive life as
fighting men has filled them with a profound desire to settle down to a
comfortable, creative life.
—She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which every man
has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of the talking. She
follows his words with genuine interest and tries to fall in with whatever
mood he is in. And she enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to

go on dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any mistakes
that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps her complaints to
herself, or lets them come out only as friendly, constructive suggestions.
—She makes herself physically appealing.
—She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have, nor
does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for always
getting into trouble.
—She lets him get the impression that other men are interested in her,
but makes it plain that they do not interest her nearly as much as this
particular man.
—She does not run down other girls.
—She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and very
successful in his work.
—She talks casually about her married friends and gets across the
idea that they are terribly glad they married.
—She strives to make every occasion with this man an enjoyable one.
—Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes him and that
his feelings toward her matter a great deal.
In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations which make
the man feel good inside for having been with her. Soon he’ll start thinking
that it would be nice to have that good feeling inside for the rest of his life.
That is the mood in which proposals germinate.
What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a receptive
mood for a proposal? Here are a few:
—If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect the chief
source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls feel inferior about
something, usually something about their appearance since that looms
so important to them. Perhaps they are acutely conscious of big hands
or thick ankles or mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should
reserve his most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He
does not need to mention them specifically, but he should word the

compliments in such a way that those features are obviously included in
his admiration. The girl will be so grateful that she will want to be with
the man as much as she can just to hear him say such nice things.
—The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should remember
that women inherently are much more sentimental than men. If it
weren’t for feminine sentiment there never would have been a
Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not as strong in girls as it is in
men, so they are much more interested in the forms of courting than in
sex expression itself. They want to be told again and again that you
adore them.
—The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s feeling of
insecurity. Security is the most important thing in the world to women.
Though girls can make their own living nowadays, most of them still
feel their greatest chance for real security lies in marriage. How can the
man play on these feelings of insecurity?—by talking to the girl in
detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for the future. He
can accomplish the same result by the reverse technique of talking
casually and impersonally about all the things that stand for security in a
woman’s mind. He can analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he
can talk about his own future at his job and the prospects that some day
he will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.
—The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit
masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past few
decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be swooped
up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems.
—He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be careful
that he observes all the amenities of politeness. Women are more
impressed by etiquette than men.
—He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has about his
job or his future generally.
—He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a marriageable
state of mind and that other girls seem interested in him. Girls have a
more fiercely competitive spirit in their mate-seeking than men.

For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business of
courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a mate. We
have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.
The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but for
snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators. It is
sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the first letters
of the formula’s four key words—Attention, Interest, Desire, and Action. To
get a person to buy a refrigerator you must first attract his attention, then
generate an interest, instill a desire to own the refrigerator, and then give
him the final prod that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned
money for the machine.
When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in winning a
mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be directed toward you.
Upon noticing you, he must see something that will arouse his interest.
Then he must be stimulated to have a desire to know you better. When
desire is aroused sufficiently, action (agreement to marry) results.
There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s attention.
A man has more liberties here in making himself seen than a girl but let’s
consider some of the socially-approved approaches a girl can make. She can
arrange for relatives, friends and social and business acquaintances to
introduce men to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the
be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and community
affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact with men.
After winning the person’s attention—whether you are a man or a girl—
the best way to arouse his or her interest is through conversation—and not
just any conversation. Here out of the whole universe is one person before
you. What kind of person is he or she? What are his or her interests?
Unharness your curiosity and ask friendly, tactful questions. And you
should make it clear that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while.
Emphasize the you with such questions as “What do you think about ...” or
“Your idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you are male or
female, learn to be a good listener, or rather a good interrogator. Lead the
person into topics he or she seems to relish discussing, and if you see
frowns or looks of discomfort change the subject.

Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if you
ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops his own
pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures he has taken.
However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert stenographer but
may not be very proud of her vocation and so would be more appreciative
of questions about her taste in clothes, about the different places she has
lived, the books she has enjoyed reading, the movie stars she likes, the
places she has visited.
If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly gone a
long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose attention you
have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking more personal questions
about the person’s background. Perhaps this does not come until after
several dates. The aim is to arouse in this person a desire to know you still
better. Tell him the things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you
are sure he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him,
you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is firmly
created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to the altar.
What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of college
women and college men found these traits to be mentioned most often:

GIRLS WANT IN MEN MEN WANT IN GIRLS
Congeniality Intelligence
Intelligence Beauty of form and figure
Companionship Congenial companionship
“Handsome” form and features Neatness
Wit Appealing dress
Good nature Good sportsmanship
Neatness Modesty
Sincerity Good morals
Dependability Sincerity
Good sportsmanship Wit
Sex appeal Sense of humor
Flexibility Sex appeal
Good morals Honesty
Honesty Truthfulness
Good manners Friendliness

At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were looking for
in their future mate and a quite different list resulted. They wanted their

mate to have:

Honesty Good health
Affection Love for children
Cleanliness Same religion
Sense of humor Neatness
“Good background” Have character

Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind of
woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they want a girl
who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with a reasonably good figure,
and is average to tall in height, and is affectionate in disposition. The
emphasis here is on physical appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the
men insist that the girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist
that their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and
thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes under any
circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About seventeen per cent
of the men want a wife who is plump to solid.
“Looks” certainly are a factor in one’s attractiveness to the opposite sex,
particularly with girls. But actually almost any girl can appear attractive to
men if she has only one or two really attractive features, providing she is
intelligent enough to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-
kneed but the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that
her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good features,
whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some of the most famous
stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed, thick-ankled or big-footed. The
only really ugly girls in this world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls
who appear sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy.
“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good first impression, and
have such attractive personalities that the impression persists. There you
have an important distinction. “Looks” are important in attracting the
possible mate’s attention. There is a psychological factor involved. For
reasons of prestige a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has
picked a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the
attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become decidedly
secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or falls on his

personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be symmetrically perfect.
Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them out of your sight fast enough.
What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One
physician has found that the average woman has a height of about five feet
four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For every inch of
additional height she may add five pounds; for every inch less of height she
should subtract five. The man, on the other hand, has an average height of
about five feet seven inches, or three inches higher than the girl. He should
weigh about 142 pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can
add about eight pounds, if he has his clothes on.
Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but
statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two hundred
attains the height of six feet.
Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes because
of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of confidence and poise
is so important in winning a mate it might be advisable for one with a bad
nose, for example, to have a plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows,
plastic surgery made tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic
surgeon will remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred
dollars. The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be out
of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation leaves no scars
because it is performed through the nostrils rather than from outside. Many
other operations of this kind are possible: operations that will eliminate
scars, that will improve a bad chin, that will give the lips a configuration,
etc. The operation may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a
source of anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery,
orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself of really
abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly harmonious features
your personality is what counts.
It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John Powers, the
model agent, listed these four things as being in the top ten ingredients of
beauty:

A radiant personality
Integrity of character

Complete self-assurance
Intellectual curiosity

One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two
sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on the
market. Personality can command any price.”
Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is undoubtedly
the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in competing for mates. The
person who has an inferiority complex may have developed it because of
physical features which prey on his mind, or because of some inadequate
behavior in the past. He may have made poor grades in school or not have
been able to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire self-
confidence. Here are some:

Starting a savings account
Going to the “right places”
Participating in amateur shows
Dressing as well as you can
Owning a good collection of books or classical records
Joining a fraternity or fraternal organization
Taking part in church activities
Buying property or organizing a business
Becoming a Scout Leader

But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an inferiority
complex and to develop self-confidence is to become skillful in social
activities that young people frequently enter into. Learn to be expert at
tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge or canoeing, or swimming or bowling
or skeet-shooting or gin rummy, or saxophone playing, or being an amateur
magician. Nothing builds up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill
that interests or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all,
learn to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it instills
confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner. Besides, you
will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how to enjoy himself is
attractive to other people.

Chapter IX
Is the One You Want the One You Need?
The average young person considering his or her prospects of marriage, we
find, thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate. But actually anyone
facing realistically the problem of selecting a mate should realize that three
things, not one, ought to be considered: 1. What you want. 2. What you
need. 3. What you can get.
Perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only
something you can’t get but also something you have no need for. What you
want may be unattainable in the community in which you live. For
example, if a girl would not marry a coal miner though she lived in a small
coal-mining community, she might either have to modify her standards,
move to a different community, or become an old maid.
Ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might want would
be the kind you would need. But it often happens that a person’s desires are
based on frivolous or impractical considerations; or upon the desire merely
to “marry into money.”
During the past several years, students in Penn State’s psychology classes
on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of money they
would consider an absolute minimum on which they would be willing to
marry. The girls consistently specified more than the men. The average for
the boys is $2,450, and for the girls $2,950. More than ten per cent of the
girls have specified that they will not marry until their groom has an income
of more than five thousand dollars. Obviously such girls are insisting on
incomes which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they
can get.

Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning at
least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider marrying. She set
the figure that high because she says she knows nothing about cooking or
managing a home so will have to hire someone else to do that. This man she
will be willing to marry must be of “superior intelligence” (even though her
intelligence is barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and
handsome, be a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong
face.” He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe;
he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a physician
or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will put her on an altar
and worship her.
Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be put off
for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or theatrical career if
something should develop. It is conceivable, of course, that she can find
such a man, but considering her background and talents we doubt that she
could interest him in marriage.
Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment
rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their early twenties
may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the main qualifications for
marriage. They dance so much that dancing looms large in their life. But ten
years from now, when they will probably dance only a few times a year, it
may be an unessential qualification while the ability to manage finances
may add to the total family income and help weather a serious depression.
Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not
necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two can be
profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or dance. She wants a
man who can dance, who will be admired as “good looking,” who will be a
“good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps a football star or a radio
actor. While these may be qualities needed for a date or dance, they
probably will not be important qualities she will need in a mate for
happiness in marriage. Don’t confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for
what you want in a date may be far removed from what you need in
marriage.
Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the other. A
girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his flattery or his dancing or

his car or his taste in clothes. They cast such a halo effect that the girl gives
little thought to the fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see
that his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she could
spare herself much heartache.
Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather remain
unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years later they may
be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result. In the summer marriage
classes at Penn State, which are largely made up of unmarried school
teachers, many have confessed that they could have married when younger
but somehow the man didn’t seem quite good enough. Now, too old to hope
to marry, most of them wish they had been more practical in their middle
twenties and not have had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see
their error.
We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects
for mates—and they actually favor the idea of marrying—but we would be
willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are too fussy. They find
something in every girl they go with that does not conform to their idea of
an ideal mate.
How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and
childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a “dream
hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a composite of all
the qualifications they want their future mate to have. No such paragon ever
exists in real life and the mental image does undergo some modifications as
the individual grows older.
Often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we idolized in
earlier years. Sometimes the qualities seem to be those of a favorite movie
star, or of a heroine of literature. Sometimes they are inspired by qualities of
an admired parent or older brother or sister. If you were brought up in a
home by an adored and deeply-loved mother, your “phantasy ideal” may
have almost all the good qualities of your mother. But if you were brought
up in a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict, then
you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you associate in
your mind with your own mother.
People who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do so
largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want and what

they need. They are convinced that their wants and needs are identical.
Their families and friends may try to show them the difference but their
immediate wants are all that they can see.
Most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl or
man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate we need
now. We thank Heaven that we did not marry that one.
Then what are the things we need in a mate? There are certain qualities
that almost everyone would accept as desirable—qualities such as good
health, sense of humor, fairness, dependability, unselfishness, patience. And
there are some traits that are so fundamental that we will take them up in
the next chapter under “Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage.”
However, most all authorities are agreed that in considering possible
mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly near your own
age, who has about the same education that you have, who comes from
approximately the same social-economic level that you do, and who is of
the same nationality, race and religion.
Intelligence is important only in a relative sense—relative, that is, to you.
Feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded persons. While
geniuses cannot always marry geniuses, they do tend to marry highly
intelligent people. The average man marries a woman who is slightly less
intelligent than he is. That’s why many brilliant women never marry. They
do not come in contact with sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise
their brilliance in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College
males tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is “intelligent,” but makes
them feel they are still more intelligent!
Another thing we must concede: some people have wants which are so
intense that they become needs. We have a letter from a veteran, a young
major. The girl he has long considered proposing to has everything he wants
except beauty. He has gone with her for four years. He is thirty-one, she is
twenty-seven. She is sweet, understanding, affectionate, is well educated
and supporting herself. She is a good cook and an excellent companion. She
is neat and clean and plain. But she is not pretty. He knows she loves him
and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing he is held
back because she isn’t attractive. Perhaps he should not marry this girl if her
lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him the rest of his life. One alternative—

and we suggested it—was that he suggest to her somehow that she take a
course with a “charm school.” Another thought we suggested was that most
beauty comes from within and that ten years from now this girl would
probably have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of
her own age today.
In considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to consider
what are the important things to your happiness in life. A marriage will be
good for you only if it helps you satisfy these basic needs. These needs—
after you have achieved subsistence through food, shelter and clothing—are
primarily psychological.
In considering whether any particular person would be a good mate for
you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the psychological needs
you will want to satisfy:

Will This Mate Bring You Social Approval? You will want a mate that
other people will like, that other people will admire and respect. You thus
need a mate who is adept at getting along with other people. Will your
friends like him and will the mate’s friends like you? Will your parents
think approvingly of the marriage?

Can This Mate Offer You Security? This desire for security is a very
fundamental one, especially with girls. It is based upon the bodily need for
food, shelter and clothing but is much more complex. Will this mate be kind
and considerate and give you a feeling of confidence and stability? Will this
mate refrain from gambling, drinking and other things that might imperil
the security of your future home and children? In short, will this mate bring
you a feeling that you have an anchor that will keep you steady?

Will This Mate Help You Get Ahead? This involves the desire for mastery,
which is a universal human motive, particularly with men. It produces the
urge to succeed, to excel, to overcome obstacles, to keep on fighting, to
master situations. It is this desire for mastery that makes a husband take a
correspondence course which may lead to a job promotion. The girl wants a
mate who will be ambitious and the man needs a wife who will show
initiative, who will read books on how to prepare tasty dishes and how to
rear children according to the best principles of child care, and who will not
become easily discouraged or frustrated.

Will This Mate Embarrass You by Nonconformity? The man wants a wife
who will not act unbecomingly in public, who knows how to say and do the
right thing when other people are present, who will conform to the customs
that will cause the neighbors to think well of her. The girl wants a man who
is not discourteous or sloppy, who will get to work at the time he is
supposed to report, who will not embarrass her in public by doing things
that will make them criticized by others.

Will This Mate Be Affectionate With You? We all want to be appreciated,
to be approved by our own mate, to be given spontaneous tokens of
affection, to be told that we are loved. It is tied up with our desire for praise
and recognition. The man wants his wife to cherish him, to build him up, to
show him in many little ways that she loves him, that she is close to him,
and that she needs him. And the wife, perhaps to an even greater degree,
needs to feel she is important to her husband, that he loves her and shows
that love in many little ways.

Will This Mate Satisfy You Sexually? There are many ways you can
detect before marriage whether such satisfaction can be achieved with this

particular mate. Beware a person who shows a neurotic tendency,
unconventional behavior, a craving for excitement, an urge to be constantly
on the go. Beware of both the prudes and of persons who seem preoccupied
with sex. Beware of indications of jealousy and possessiveness. These
symptoms suggest that this person may not be able to find sexual
satisfaction in marriage nor bring it to you.

Finally, Can This Mate Talk Things Over With You? This ability, in our
opinion, is one of the biggest single values in marriage. Beware of
suspiciousness, of demands for explanation, of resentment, of continual
criticism of others. These things suggest you may be entangled with a
nagger and a complainer who will constantly try to improve you stead of
dealing with you as a partner. You will find it difficult to talk to such a
person, to discuss your mutual problems. Being able to talk things over with
another person without restraint—which psychologists call mutual
psychotherapy—is probably one of the greatest things you can get out of
marriage. If a couple have confidence in each other, can confide their hopes,
and their ambitions, can encourage and stimulate each other when
frustrated, then such a couple can go far in satisfying the basic needs in
their lives.

Chapter X
Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage
Thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in their
mates and about the basic needs, which a good mate should fill. But we still
haven’t discussed the big question. What are the actual traits you should
have and your mate should have if you are to achieve happiness in
marriage? What makes a marriage happy or unhappy?
A few years ago no reliable answer was available. But within the past
few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up by
investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest in marriage. This
interest was aroused by the frightening rise in marital bankruptcy as shown
by the divorce trend.
What are the characteristics actually found in happily married mates and
unhappily married mates?
Terman delved into the lives of 792 married couples and came out with
these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with both kinds of
mates:

HAPPY WIVES UNHAPPY WIVES
Have kindly attitude toward Often have feelings of inferiority
others
Like to help underdogs Tend to be defensive or aggressive
Tend to be conventional Easily annoyed, irritated
Are coöperative Often join clubs only to get an
office or recognition in them
Strong urge to save money Extreme in their views
Are optimistic about life More likely to be neurotic
Do not take offense easily Lose tempers easily
Less interested in social Impressed by thrilling situations
activities such as dances

Like to teach children Seek spectacular activities
Put less importance on clothes Want to be on the move
Are systematic homemakers Show little interest in housework
Do less daydreaming

Now how about the husbands? Here is what Terman found about them:

HAPPY HUSBANDS UNHAPPY HUSBANDS
Have greater stability Often have feelings of inferiority
Are coöperative Compensate by browbeating
wife and subordinates
Get along well with business Dislike details
associates
Are somewhat extroverted More radical about sex morality
Are more conservative in Inclined to be moody
attitudes
Willing to take initiative Are more argumentative
Take responsibility easily Like recreations that take them
away from home
Do not get rattled easily Apt to be careless about money

Another approach Terman made was to find out what husbands and
wives complain about most in their mates. He found that unhappily married
couples were overflowing with complaints while happily married couples
voiced few criticisms. Here are the complaints he heard most often:

COMPLAINTS FROM COMPLAINTS FROM
HUSBANDS WIVES
Wife’s feelings hurt too easily Insufficient income from husband
Wife too critical In-laws
Trouble with in-laws Impatience of husband
Wife nervous or emotional Husband’s poor management
of income
Income managed poorly His tendency to be critical
He has no “freedom” His preferences in amusements
Wife has poor taste in His failure to talk things over
amusements
Wife is a nagger His failure to show affection

When Terman had accumulated all of his findings, he devised a
“Prediction of Marriage Happiness Scale” by means of which an unmarried
person could determine his own chances of finding happiness in marriage.

This has nothing to do with the other person involved but simply tests your
own capability of becoming a good mate for someone. He found what we
have already indicated—that your background largely predetermines your
ability to be a successful mate. Of the factors he found most significant in
predicting happiness in marriage, ten stand out as most essential to success.

1. Are your parents happily married?
2. Did you have a happy childhood?
3. Were you free from conflict with your mother?
4. Was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh?
5. Did you have a strong attachment to your mother?
6. Did you have a strong attachment to your father?
7. Were you free from conflict with your father?
8. Were your parents frank with you about sex?
9. Were you punished infrequently and mildly?
10. Is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion?

Terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a considerably
better than average marriage risk. He gives emphasis to this by saying that
any one of the ten factors seems to be more important to marriage happiness
than does virginity of the individual at the time of marriage.
At Penn State, where the first all-college marriage counseling service in
America was founded, an adaptation of Dr. Terman’s prediction scale is
used, by special permission of Dr. Terman, along with the Guilford-Martin
Personnel Inventory I and other tests. But the main device the Penn State
clinic uses in building an over-all “index” of a person’s prospects for a
happy marriage is the Adams-Lepley Personal Audit, which was a product
of Penn State’s own investigations. This Audit not only discloses your
potentialities for being a good mate, and the potentialities of your possible
mate, but goes on to match your two profiles to see if you are compatible.
The happiest marriages, the clinic has found, are between persons who
not only are good prospects for marriage individually but who have
markedly similar personalities. The clinic calls this compatibility. It has
found that opposites may attract each other but it is the likes who achieve
the happiest marriages together.
In the process of perfecting this Audit, the clinic not only tested it on
thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds of those

couples who later married, to find out how well the predictions bore up
after the couple had been living with each other a year or so as man and
wife. (They bore up very well indeed.)
Now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for men to
possess and what ones are crucial for women. (They sometimes differ.)
The Audit measures you for nine separate and distinct traits of
personality—sociability, conformity, tranquillity, dependability, stability,
idealism, steadiness, flexibility, and seriousness. A personality trait has two
extremes, just as height has the two extremes of tallness and shortness.
These are the opposite poles for the nine traits just listed:

Reserved—Sociable Bold—Fearful
Agreeable—Nonconforming Broadminded—Idealistic
Tranquil—Irritable Calm—Emotional
Dependable—Evasive Rigid—Flexible
Thoughtful—Frivolous

Let’s consider these nine traits, and their significance when found in a
mate. (You can also apply them to yourself.)

Trait I. Is He Reserved or Sociable? Another way to put it is this: “Is he
introverted or extroverted?” The reserved person is usually quiet, ambitious,
serious, agreeable with intimates and confines his socializing to close
friends. Sociable or extroverted people are extremely social and aggressive.
They are talkative and carefree and sometimes show little regard for other
people’s rights. They are the “glad-handers.” Perhaps the man is a salesman,
or the girl is a sorority president.
The Penn State investigators found, surprisingly, that the happily married
men tended to be just a bit more impulsive, to be more sociable, to be more
talkative and to have broader interests than did unhappily married men.
Women on the other hand could tend to be either reserved or sociable and
still be happy, as long as they were not extreme introverts or extreme
extroverts.

Trait II. Is He an Agreeable Sort, or Is He an “Individualist”? The
agreeable person tends to conform to the norms set by society. He is usually
poised, coöperative, can concentrate easily and tends to wholesome
recreations. The individualist enjoys the idea of being “different,” is apt to
hurt people’s feelings by his brusqueness and impatience with things that
bore or irritate him. In extreme cases he is bullheaded and argumentative.

Trait III. Is He Tranquil or Irritable? The tranquil person has an even
disposition, works methodically, is patient, gets along well with folks. The
irritable person tends to “fly off the handle,” to be easily annoyed, to find
fault, to be erratic and peevish.
For men tranquillity is a crucial trait, the Penn State investigators found.
The happily married man is less easily annoyed, less irritable, less peevish,
less critical than the unhappily married man. To a girl this means she should
be careful about marrying a man who is irritable. While it is desirable for
the girl to be even-tempered too, this trait is not as important for a girl as for
a man. However, it was found that when one of the two mates tends to be
irritable and annoyed it is highly desirable for the other mate to be even-
tempered. When you get two irritable persons under the same roof the
explosions soon force one to beat a retreat, sometimes into divorce.

Trait IV. Is He Frank or Evasive? This is probably the most crucial trait for
marriage happiness that we know. The dependable person is frank and
truthful and conscientious. He gets along harmoniously with others, is
willing to accept responsibility, is stable and coöperative. The evasive
person is unwilling to face reality or to accept responsibilities. He “passes
the buck” or projects the blame for things onto others. He exaggerates and
often lies. He is easily depressed and lacks integrity.

Persons who rate high in dependability consistently are the ones who are
happiest in both marriage and their work. This one trait is at least as crucial
to happiness in marriage for a girl as is the entire complex of traits
measured by Terman’s Prediction Scale. While it is most crucial for girls in
marriage, it is also crucial for men. For a girl it is unquestionably the most
crucial trait we know.
This means that in considering any possible mate you should be
particularly careful to notice whether he or she is dependable or not
dependable. Does he keep appointments, tell the truth and work
conscientiously?

Trait V. Is He Bold or Fearful? The “bold” person is confident to the
point of cocksureness. He is willing to carry out responsibilities, usually is
carefree, stable, self-sufficient, and a bit dominant. The unstable, or fearful,
person is shy and changeable. He may seem withdrawn and rarely evinces
qualities of leadership.
This trait is crucial for women and fairly important for men. A woman, to
have a happy marriage, needs to show strong indications of stability,
because in running her household alone she must be self-assured and
independent in emergencies when outside help isn’t available. A man
should beware a woman who is exceedingly nervous or fearful, jittery or
afraid. For the man it is important that he be fairly stable, but without being
reckless.

Trait VI. Is He Broadminded or Idealistic? The broadminded person is
tolerant, flexible, practical, realistic. His temperament tends to be pleasant
and smooth. The idealistic person shows strong attitudes. Prejudice, often
disguised as “high” standards, may be present. Inferiority and peevishness
are often found here.

Stop and think. The girl you want to marry is the one you hope will be
the mother of your children. You want her to instill reasonably high
standards and ideals in the children. You want her to be conventional and
not do things that will bring criticism. The happiest marriages are those in
which the wife has high standards and ideals but not ones that are so stiff
and unyielding that she can never see any justification for a slip-up now and
then. Unhappy marriages are those where the wives have standards that are
very low and who behave in unconventional or questionable ways. Our
society encourages higher standards and ideals for women than it does for
men. The man can be tolerant and easygoing but should have standards
sufficiently high so that he considers it important to be faithful to his wife,
and does not waste his money in drink or gambling.

Trait VII. Is He Calm or Emotional? Calm persons have “normal” ways of
thinking. Their feelings are not intense. Persons whose work requires
objectivity and courage—such as surgeons and military leaders—score high
at this level. Emotional people, in contrast, usually think in unorthodox
ways. They are usually sensitive. Their feelings are volatile and deep-
seated. Interests in writing, drama, arts, literature are often found here.
Individualistic, creative work is preferred, and the person may appear
temperamental or eccentric to others. Repression and sexual conflicts are
common.
Since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well adjusted,
marriage may not prove too satisfactory. The trait of coolness or steadiness
is much more crucial for men than for women. The happiest married men
seem to be those who are steady and free of excess emotion. This enables
them to be objective in their work. A girl should be wary of selecting a mate
who is very emotional, who is too much interested in sex or who works in
the movies or other work where there is a great deal of glamour and
excitement.

Trait VIII. Is He Rigid or Flexible? This is more important in men than in
women, and the man’s age determines whether he should score high in
rigidity or in flexibility. If the man is under twenty-five it is well for the
couple’s future happiness if he scores quite high in flexibility because
marriage requires a great deal of adjusting and a certain amount of trying
out new jobs is healthy for a young man. However, flexibility in a man past
thirty should make a girl seriously question the advisability of marriage to
him because he is apt to be permanently a “will-o’-the-wisp”; his
characteristics are pretty well set. A man in his thirties who changes jobs
frequently, who is not “settled,” is not a good matrimonial bet.

Trait IX. Is He Thoughtful or Frivolous? Beware of the girl who is
frivolous. She will be shallow and discontented; she will have many
unsettled problems; she will be worrying about her past as well as her
future; she will have trouble making up her mind and will seem to be at
loose ends. She may nag and complain. For women, thoughtfulness ranks
second only to dependability in importance to marriage happiness.
There you have the nine traits. As you have probably noticed, it is much
more crucial for women to have the right personality traits than for men.
This is due largely to the fact that marriage looms much larger in a woman’s
life than it does in a man’s. A wife has to do the larger part of the
“adjusting” to marriage. She usually has to give up her name, her job, her
residence, and many of her friends. The man can go on pretty much the
same as he did before marriage. The wife must spend the greatest part of
her day being a wife (homemaker) whereas the man serves actively in the
role of husband only a few hours a day.
In summing up, what advice would we give the young man in order that
he can select a mate who will be happy in marriage and contribute to his
happiness in marriage? Ideally, he might well look for a girl:
Who is frank and dependable,
Whose family background has been such that she was reared in a
happy home,

Who is thoughtful and not beset by conflicts revolving around her
adjustments to the opposite sex,
Who is stable and self-sufficient and free from neuroticism,
Who is objective and free from excessive sensitiveness,
Who is friendly, kindly and considerate,
Who is coöperative in her relations with others,
Who is flexible and adaptable,
Who is steady and free from emotional behavior,
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who has average to high standards and ideals,
Who can be influenced by people who have sound ideas,
Who is somewhat extroverted and carefree.
All of these traits of course are not vital but it is advisable that she fit into
the general pattern outlined above.
Next, what should a girl look for in a young man? Ideally, he should be a
man:
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who is dependable and frank,
Who is objective and has feelings that are not easily hurt,
Who gets along easily with others,
Who is coöperative in group projects and likes to help people,
Who is cool and free from emotionality,
Who is concerned about what other people think of him,
Who was reared in a happy home,
Who is free of cares and has broad interests,
Who is fairly well contented with his lot in life,

Who can be influenced by others when their reasoning is sound.
The big question is how you can know if you and any prospective mate
have qualities that make you good marriage risks. You will find in the next
chapter ten tests that should provide the answer. They will record your
rating on the nine traits we have just discussed, plus a rating on your family
background.

Chapter XI
Test Your Mate and Yourself
Now you are going to take ten tests that will record how well qualified you
are to marry. Your over-all score will indicate your chances of achieving a
happy marriage, with whomever you may marry. These tests can be taken
by either men or girls. And we suggest that after you take the tests you have
your favorite date take them too. Then in the next chapter you can see how
well you are matched.
In addition to scoring your desirability as a mate, the tests will help
unveil for you your own personality. They will present you as you appear to
other people. Be honest with yourself. There are no catch questions.
If you wish you can get a piece of paper to write your answers on. If you
do this you will not mark up the book, nobody will know how you
answered, and any other person taking the tests will not be influenced by
your answers.
Don’t look up the correct answers until you have finished all the tests.
After you have completed all ten tests you can then see how they should be
scored. Some of these traits are more important to marriage happiness than
others, and some are more important for one sex than the other. Be sure not
to talk over any of the questions with anyone until after you have taken all
the tests. Now go ahead, and work rapidly.

TRAIT I (Sociability)

Indicate the degree of your liking for each of the following activities
by drawing a circle around M if you would like it a great deal, around S

if you would have some liking for it, around L if you would have a little
liking for it, around N if you would have practically no liking for it.

1. Introducing strangers at a party. M S L N
2. Entertaining a group of friends. M S L N
3. Raising money for a charity. M S L N
4. Taking part in some athletic contest. M S L N
5. Going on a picnic. M S L N
6. Playing games like golf, tennis, croquet, or darts. M S L N
7. Reading the sporting section of the newspaper. M S L N
8. Playing games like bridge, pinochle or Monopoly. M S L N
9. Keeping a pet, such as a cat or dog. M S L N
10. Attending a masquerade party. M S L N
11. Performing on the radio. M S L N
12. Being a delegate to a convention. M S L N
13. Making long-distance telephone calls to friends. M S L N
14. Preparing for an examination by studying with classmates. M S L N
15. Helping a stranded motorist change a tire. M S L N

TRAIT II (Conformity)

Fifteen experts, each of whom had won success in a different field,
were asked to give an opinion of the statements below. At least eight or
more of the experts marked each statement below as true. Read each
statement, and if you agree with the experts that the statement is true,
draw a circle around A. If you agree but only with reservations, draw a
circle around R. If you disagree with the experts, draw a circle around
D.

1. Shows with scantily dressed performers should not be permitted. A R D
2. No cultured person would ever use profanity. A R D
3. The right to vote should be given to persons of 18 years of age. A R D
4. No person except a law officer should be permitted to own a pistol. A R D
5. No acceptable excuse can ever be made for suicide. A R D
6. Children owe their parents more than their parents owe them. A R D
7. Few people would be better off dead than alive. A R D
8. Rich people are no happier than poor people. A R D
9. Natural resources should belong to individuals rather than to the government. A R D
10. Parents can decently support and educate two children in a city of 5000, with a
total income of less than $200 per month. A R D
11. Parents should be permitted to punish or whip their children. A R D

12. Stealing cannot be excused on any grounds. A R D
13. Anything injurious to the human body, such as tobacco, should be outlawed. A R D
14. Highly intelligent people are just as happy as average people. A R D
15. The average person needs more mathematics than the eighth grade provides. A R D

TRAIT III (Tranquillity)

Below is a list of the common annoyances which affect most people
to some extent. Indicate your degree of annoyance for each of them by
drawing a circle around M if it annoys you much, around S if it annoys
you some, around L if it annoys you a little, and around N if it never
annoys you.

1. To have stop light turn red as you drive up to it. M S L N
2. To drop an article when you have your arms full. M S L N
3. To have to stand up in a streetcar or bus. M S L N
4. To have to talk when you don’t feel like it. M S L N
5. To be interrupted when reading a very interesting story. M S L N
6. To have a casual visitor outstay his welcome. M S L N
7. To be detained when you are in a hurry. M S L N
8. To listen to radio when static is bad. M S L N
9. To have someone break an engagement at the last minute. M S L N
10. To be interrupted when you are talking. M S L N
11. To have someone read over your shoulder. M S L N
12. To miss a streetcar or bus. M S L N
13. To have movie film break at an exciting point. M S L N
14. To burn your mouth or tongue with hot food or beverage. M S L N
15. To be accidentally locked out of your car or home. M S L N

TRAIT IV (Dependability)

Of the statements below, draw a circle around T for the ones you
believe to be usually true; draw a circle around D for the ones whose
truth you doubt; and draw a circle around F for the ones usually false.

1. Prohibition encouraged many people to drink who had never drunk before. T D F
2. An unpopular person could often become popular by lowering his standards of
conduct. T D F
3. People who date a great deal before marriage often make poor marriage mates. T D F

4. Students who are always taking the lead in class discussions are usually trying to
get attention. T D F
5. Policemen “bawl out” people largely to satisfy their own sense of importance. T D F
6. People of high ideals usually have fewer friends than individuals whose ideals are
not of the highest. T D F
7. A person is often a failure because of very high ethics. T D F
8. The very pretty girl with little ability often is more successful than the plain girl
who has real ability. T D F
9. What you know is not so important to success as whom you know. T D F
10. Getting the breaks is more important to success than being well qualified. T D F
11. Few employees would loaf on the job if they were paid sufficient wages. T D F
12. Man is powerless in the hands of fate. T D F
13. People often try to impress others by saying that they are very fond of “highbrow”
music and books. T D F
14. The law is harder on the poor man than on the rich man. T D F
15. The good “bluffer” succeeds nearly as well as the person who can deliver the
goods. T D F

TRAIT V (Stability)

Below is a list of the common fears that most people experience to
some extent. Indicate your degree of fear for each of these things by
drawing a circle around M if you would usually have considerable fear,
around S if you would usually have some fear, around L if you would
have a little fear, and around N if you would usually feel no fear.

1. Being buried alive. M S L N
2. Being bitten by a snake while walking alone in the woods. M S L N
3. Being drowned at sea or while swimming. M S L N
4. Friends losing confidence in you because of untrue rumors. M S L N
5. Walking past graveyards alone late at night. M S L N
6. Having friends learn about your worst faults. M S L N
7. Touching mice, rats, worms, or lizards. M S L N
8. Losing your wife or sweetheart to somebody else. M S L N
9. Getting too deeply in debt or having financial misfortune. M S L N
10. Looking down from the edge of a precipice. M S L N
11. Being punished in the next world. M S L N
12. Elevator falling while descending from the top of a skyscraper. M S L N
13. Losing your mind or becoming insane. M S L N
14. Losing your eyesight. M S L N
15. Listening to radio horror story late at night while alone. M S L N

TRAIT VI (Standards and Ideals)

Indicate the degree of your dislike for each of the following activities
or things by drawing a circle around M if you would dislike it a great
deal, around S if you would dislike it some, around L if you would have
a little dislike for it, and around N if you would have no dislike for it.
1. A person who brags about his achievements. M S L N
2. Individuals who always put the blame on somebody
else. M S L N
3. Storekeepers who never make mistakes except in
their favor. M S L N
4. Extreme pessimists or people who always expect
the worst. M S L N
5. A girl who is a gold-digger. M S L N
6. The person who “forgets” to pay his share of the
check. M S L N
7. People who are never on time for appointments. M S L N
8. People who have little control over their tempers. M S L N
9. The girl who uses excessive make-up. M S L N
10. People who cheat on examinations. M S L N
11. Individuals who are careless and indifferent about
dress. M S L N
12. Radicals or reactionaries who impose their views
upon you. M S L N
13. Individuals who are always bored and never have a
good time. M S L N
14. A person who gambles for money. M S L N
15. Listening to scandalous gossip. M S L N

TRAIT VII (Steadiness)

Each word in capitals is followed by four words. Draw a circle
around the word that seems to you to go most naturally with the word in
capitals. Mark only one word in each line.

For example: TRAVEL boat ship train car

Here car has been encircled. There are no right or wrong answers.
Work rapidly.

1. PAST yesterday forget sorrow hidden
2. SLEEP rest dream need together
3. IMMORAL vulgar person vile criminal
4. DREAM vision night trance romance
5. LOVE adore esteem worship yearn
6. BABY home future unwanted cost
7. LONELY solitary friendless miserable forsaken
8. DEBT obligation weight necessary nightmare
9. SWEETHEART love engaged wistful lost
10. MONEY currency pay lack urgent
11. ENEMY foe hated dangerous destroyed
12. FILTHY dirty disgusting mind body
13. PARENT home love depend strict
14. SIN wrong vice guilt black
15. REVOLTING distasteful repulsive loathsome degrading

TRAIT VIII (Flexibility)

Below is a list of activities or things. If you feel about the same way
toward them now that you did three or four years ago, draw a circle
around S. If you have partly changed your feelings toward them, draw a
circle around P. If your feeling now is considerably different from your
feeling three or four years ago, draw a circle around D.

1. Pacifism. S P D
2. Labor unions. S P D
3. Less governmental supervision of business. S P D
4. Old-age pensions. S P D
5. Sit-down strikes. S P D
6. Socialization of medicine. S P D
7. Emphasis that colleges place upon activities. S P D
8. The Soviet Union. S P D
9. Distribution of wealth. S P D
10. Capital punishment. S P D
11. Sterilization of the feeble-minded. S P D
12. “Work-or-starve” relief legislation. S P D

13. Need for polls like the Gallup or Fortune polls of public opinion. S P D
14. Basing taxation on the ability to pay. S P D
15. Preferences for styles of homes. S P D

TRAIT IX (Seriousness)

Below is a list of topics which people consider to some extent at one
time or another. Will you indicate the degree of thinking you have given
each of them during the past year by drawing a circle around M if you
have done much thinking; around S if you have done some thinking;
around L if you have done a little thinking; and around N if you have
done no thinking.

1. Responsibilities that parents and children should share. M S L N
2. Proper training of children. M S L N
3. Immoral influences of movies on children. M S L N
4. Smoking of cigarettes by girls and women. M S L N
5. Importance of regular saving of part of income. M S L N
6. Use of the atomic bomb in warfare. M S L N
7. Regular attendance of religious services. M S L N
8. The way or place to spend your vacation. M S L N
9. Stricter censorship of books and magazines. M S L N
10. Learning to dance, ski, skate, etc. M S L N
11. Punctuality on a job or regular class attendance. M S L N
12. Getting better grades at school or working for a promotion. M S L N
13. The cost of living. M S L N
14. Life after death. M S L N
15. Automobile accidents caused by reckless driving. M S L N

TRAIT X (Family Background)

Be absolutely truthful in taking this test; try to be objective and
honest with yourself. Answer Yes or No if possible; if you can’t decide
Yes or No, then circle the question mark.

1. Were your own parents quite happily married? YES ? NO
2. Did you have a happy childhood? YES ? NO
3. Did you have a great deal of love and affection for your mother? YES ? NO
4. Did you have a great deal of love and affection for your father? YES ? NO

5. Did you get along well with your mother without any serious conflict? YES ? NO
6. Did you get along well with your father without any serious conflict? YES ? NO
7. Was your home discipline firm but not harsh? YES ? NO
8. Was the punishment that you received both mild and infrequent? YES ? NO
9. Is your present attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion? YES ? NO
10. Was at least one of your parents easy to talk to, and frank, about matters of
sex? YES ? NO
11. Were you reared in either the country, a small town, or the suburbs of a
city? YES ? NO
12. Do you go to church three or four times (or more) every month? YES ? NO
13. Are you regularly employed? YES ? NO
14. Do you have many friends of your own sex? YES ? NO
15. Do you belong to three or more social organizations? YES ? NO

Directions for Scoring Your Tests
Do not read these scoring directions until after you have taken the tests.
When you have marked the tests according to the directions, then you are
ready to score them. Because all the tests are not scored in the same way, be
sure you score them very carefully. After having done so, then turn to the
further directions, some of which apply to a man, some of which apply to a
girl.

Test for Trait I. For each item that you have marked M, give yourself three
points; for each one that you marked S, give yourself two points; for each
item that you marked L, give yourself one point. Items marked N are
counted zero. Then add these numbers up for your total score on Trait I. For
example, if you marked four of the fifteen items M, that would give you
twelve points; let us say you also marked five items S, that would be five
times two points, or ten more points; if you marked three items L, that
would be another three points. That would leave three items that you
marked N for which you get no credit. Your total score on Trait I would then
be 12 + 10 + 3 = 25 points.

Test for Trait II. For each A you marked, you get two points and for each
R you get one point. Items that you answered D are counted zero. Add these
up for your total score.

Test on Trait III. The scoring is reversed on this test from that used for
Trait I. On Trait III, M is scored zero, each S gets credit of one point, each L
gets credit of two points, and each N gets credit of three points.

Test on Trait IV. You marked the items on this test either, T, D, or F. Those
you marked T are scored zero. For each D answer you get one point, and for
each F answer you get two points.

Test on Trait V. Each marked M gets zero credit, each S gets one point,
each L gets two points, and each N gets three points.

Test on Trait VI. Each M gets three points, each S gets two points, each L
gets one point, and N receives no credit.

Test on Trait VII. This is the test in which four words come after each
word in capitals. The first of the four words gets three points if circled, the
second gets two points, the third word gets one point, and the last word
receives no credit. Take the word PAST. If you marked it yesterday, or the
word in the first column, you get three points; if forget is circled instead

you would get two points. If you marked it hidden, you get no credit for that
word. Add all your points for your total score.

Test on Trait VIII. The items in this test were marked S, P, or D. Items
marked S get no credit. For each item marked P, give yourself one point
credit; for each item marked D, give yourself two points credit.

Test on Trait IX. Each M gets three points; each S, two points; each L, one
point, each N gets no credit.

Test on Trait X. In this test you were asked to mark your answers either
Yes, ?, or No. For each Yes, give yourself ten points; for each question mark,
credit yourself with five points. You receive no credit for any question that
you answered No.
If you have followed carefully the directions that have been given you,
you now have ten separate raw scores, one for each of the ten traits on
which you were tested. We are now ready to see what these scores mean.
Using the little outline below, put down your scores.

YOUR RAW SCORE
Trait i Trait vi
Trait ii Trait vii
Trait iii Trait viii
Trait iv Trait ix
Trait v Trait x

NOW FIND YOUR ADJUSTED SCORE

If you are a man If you are a woman
Trait i (Repeat raw score) (Repeat raw score)
Trait ii (Repeat raw score) (Repeat raw score)
Trait iii (Double raw score) (Repeat raw score)
Trait iv (Double raw score) (Multiply raw score by 4)
Trait v (Repeat raw score) (Double raw score)
Trait vi (Repeat raw score) (Repeat raw score)
Trait vii (Double raw score) (Repeat raw score)
Trait viii (Repeat raw score) (Repeat raw score)
Trait ix (Repeat raw score) (Double raw score)
Trait x (Repeat raw score) (Repeat raw score)

Total Score (add the 10 scores) Total Score

Thus, if you were a man you repeated all of your original “raw” scores
except in traits III, IV, and VII where you doubled the raw score. For
example if your raw score on III was twenty-eight your adjusted score
should be fifty-six. Likewise if you were a girl you repeated your raw
scores in all but IV, V, and IX. You quadrupled the score on IV and doubled
each of the other two.

Interpretation of Your Final Adjusted Scores
Trait I. If your score was thirty or above you would seem to be a very
sociable person, quite fond of the company of others, one who has very
broad interests, and who will probably enjoy talking things over with your
mate. A score of twenty-five is about average. If your score is twenty or
less, you are probably cautious about making friends, have rather
specialized interests, and are not very talkative unless the topic is quite
interesting to you. It may be wise, if you have a low score, to try to develop
more friends, have more of a social life, and to get out of your shell.

Trait II. If your score was fifteen or more you are probably a conforming
person, agreeable and poised. You tend to be coöperative even though you
are positive and firm when your mind is made up. A score of eleven is
average. If your score was eight or less, you may be bullheaded,
domineering, and argumentative. It may be wise, if you have a low score, to

try to remember that the other person has a right to his own opinion and that
you may lose friends and make enemies unless you act more diplomatically.

Trait III. If your score was fifty-six or more if a man, or twenty-eight or
more if a girl, you are probably a tranquil person who is not easily irritated
or annoyed. You rarely “fly off the handle” or become impatient; this is
particularly important if you are a man. A score of forty-six for a man or
twenty-three for a girl is typical or average. If your score is thirty-six or less
if a man or eighteen or less if a girl, you are probably an irritable person
who is easily annoyed. You may lose your temper too easily and stay
peeved too long. You should make an effort to control your temper and to
think before you speak, especially when you are annoyed or provoked.

Trait IV. If your score is fifty or more if you are a man, or one hundred or
more if you are a girl, you would seem to be a frank, dependable person
who makes few excuses and who tries to face reality and do a good job. A
score of forty for a man and eighty for a girl are average. If you are a man
and have a score of thirty or less or are a girl and have a score of sixty or
less, you tend to blame your mistakes on others, may shirk your
responsibilities, exaggerate and daydream too much. If your score was low,
you should try to improve, especially if you are a girl for whom this trait is
quite crucial in marriage happiness. Try to be more honest with yourself and
others; be less unreasonable, and stop being suspicious and resentful of
people who do not think and act as you do.

Trait V. If you are a man and have a score of forty or more, or are a girl and
have a score of eighty or more, you would appear to be a stable person,
confident, and responsible. You can work with others or can work by
yourself without getting lonely and depressed. An average score is thirty for

a man or sixty for a woman. If you are a man and have a score of fifteen or
less, or are a girl with a score of thirty or less, you may be unstable,
nervous, and fearful. You may feel inferior at times and get blue and
discouraged. You need to raise your opinion of yourself. Acquire more
social skills, train yourself to be very good or expert in something like a
sport or a hobby.

Trait VI. If your score was thirty or above, you would seem to have
extremely high ideals and standards, especially if you are a man. While this
is generally desirable, don’t permit yourself to become too intolerant or
prejudiced about others. A score of twenty-five is average. A score of
twenty or less is low and may indicate that you are too broadminded, too
flexible and expedient in your standards and ideals. Watch this because you
are not the sort of person who should let himself go. Keep a firm grip on
yourself, and remember it is easier never to begin a bad habit than it is to
break one.

Trait VII. If your score is eighty or more if you are a man, forty or more if
you are a girl, you are probably a very objective person who thinks like
most other people think. You are probably quite steady, look at things
dispassionately, and are neither repressed nor hypercritical. A score of
seventy for a man, or of thirty-five for a girl is average. A score of sixty or
less for a man or of thirty or less for a girl may indicate that you are
temperamental and emotional. You may, at times, appear peculiar and odd
to your friends. You may be repressed. Associate as much as possible with
others. Don’t be the first to suggest something different or the last to give
in.

Trait VIII. If your score is twenty-two or more, you would seem to be a
person whose attitudes and interests are flexible and adaptable especially if
you are in the twenties. If you are in the thirties or forties a high score is
probably less desirable than an average score. A score of thirteen is average.
If your score is eight or less, you would seem to be a very persistent person
whose attitudes and interests are so fixed and rigid that you may find it
difficult to adjust readily in marriage. Especially would that seem to be the
case if you are in the twenties.

Trait IX. If you are a man and your final score is thirty or above; or if you
are a girl whose adjusted (doubled) score is sixty or more, you would seem
to be a thoughtful person who has done considerable thinking about
marriage and its responsibilities. Particularly does this seem to be true of
women. Attitudes toward marriage would appear to be wholesome and
concerned about making the marriage a success. A score of twenty-four for
a man or of forty-eight for a girl is average. A score of eighteen or less for a
man or of thirty-six or less for a girl is low and suggests that you may be
immature in your thinking and that you have not given much consideration
or thought to the responsibilities of marriage.

Trait X. This test measured your family background to see if you had been
reared in the kind of home in which parents and circumstances were
favorable to developing traits and attitudes essential to happy marriage. If
you scored 120 or more, and remember the higher the score the better, your
family background was conducive to your happiness in marriage. A score of
one hundred is average. If you scored eighty or less, it would seem that
your family background was not one that tended to develop in you the traits
and attitudes necessary for happiness in marriage.

Summary

You took a total of ten tests. If you followed the directions, you have
scored them correctly. (If you were a man, you doubled your scores on
Traits III, IV, and VII before you interpreted them. If you were a girl, you
doubled your scores on Traits V and IX and quadrupled, or multiplied by
four, the score you earned on Trait IV.) After having made these
adjustments, you then read the interpretations and saw how you compared
with other people of your own sex. Perhaps your prospective mate also took
the tests and both of you now know how you stand as individuals.
We hope you and your mate made average to high scores on all of these
tests. But now you want to know if you are the sort of person, and if your
mate is the sort of person, who will be happy in marriage.
Go back to your final adjusted scores on the ten tests. Add all ten of these
test scores together if you have not already done so to see what the total is.
If you are a man, and your total is 450 or above you would seem to be the
sort of person who has an excellent chance of finding happiness in
marriage. This is particularly likely to be the case if you also made high
scores on Traits III, IV, VII, and X. If you made a score of about 350 you
would seem to be a person who has about an average chance of achieving
marriage happiness. If you made a score of 265 or less, you will need to use
great care in selecting your mate and be willing to work very hard at
making your marriage happy.
If you are a girl and if your score is five hundred or more, you are the
kind of person who would seem to have an excellent chance of being happy
in marriage. Especially is this likely to be the case if you made high scores
on Traits IV, V, IX, and X. If you made a score of about four hundred, your
chances would seem to be about average that you will find happiness in
marriage. A score of three hundred or less is not too favorable to happiness
in marriage.
In our next chapter you are going to be able to compare your testing
partner with yourself and see if the two of you would be likely to be happy
(if you married each other). So far we have just tried to find out if you, or if
your mate, is likely to be happy in whatever marriage is entered upon. In
this next chapter we want to find out if you two people are likely to be
happy in your marriage to each other. You will have need for the final
(adjusted) scores on each of the ten tests, as well as your final or total score

you calculated by adding the ten separate scores. With these scores for both
yourself and your mate, plus the answers to several other questions, you
will be able to find out if the two of you are likely to be happy when you
marry each other.

Chapter XII
Now, See How You Match as a Couple!
In the last chapter you—and perhaps a testing partner—took ten tests to
determine your individual chances of achieving happiness in marriage. The
tests recorded your rating on nine important personality traits and on your
family background.
Now we will see how well matched you are. It is possible that you can
get a rough idea how well you are matched to an absentee person without
having him take any of the tests in these two chapters. Suggestions for
procedure in such a case are given at the end of this chapter. However, it is
much more desirable, if you want a really accurate picture, to have the other
person take the tests and do the matching with you.
The matching of you two will be based not only on the scores you made
in the ten tests just taken and your total score on the tests, but also on ten
other factors which we have found are important in predicting marital
success. They include such things as age, education, length of courtship and
tendency to quarrel. These factors together with your test results will
present an accurate over-all picture of your compatibility for marriage, or
lack of it. And incidentally a “matching” of two people is not as important
when both the man and the girl made a high score (above four hundred) in
the ten tests just taken as it is if one made a low score and the other a high
score, or if both made low scores.
First of all let’s pair up your scores on those ten tests in the last chapter to
see what your scores mean on each trait when they are paired together.
Trait I is a sociability factor. You can see how two people, one who is
sociable and something of a gadabout and the other a home-body who isn’t
sociable, might not be well matched. Both should be sociable and like to go

out and be with people, or both should be fireside toasters, home-loving
souls who enjoy being alone with each other.
Trait II is a measure of conformity, of agreeableness to others, and
conscientiousness. While it is better for both to score high on this trait, if
one scores low, it is better that the other score high.
Trait III is a measure of tranquillity or lack of irritability. While it is
better for both to score high, if one scores low, it is important that the other
should score high, or there may be considerable bickering and angry
feelings.
Trait IV is a measure of dependability, frankness, and willingness to
accept responsibility. This trait is of great importance to happiness of both
men and women, and it is especially important that a girl score high here.
Both should score high, but if one scores low, it is quite important that the
other score high.
Trait V is a measure of stability. Our research shows that it is of the
greatest importance that the two people make about the same scores on this
test. While it is better for both to be high, it is more crucial that the girl
make a high score, be very stable, than it is for the man.
Trait VI is a measure of standards and ideals. Both should have high
scores but it is more important that the man have a good score than the girl
because girls have been trained to have higher ideals than men. If one mate
has a very low score, then the other by all means should have a high score.
That combination will provide a balance wheel.
Trait VII is a measure of steadiness and freedom from excess
emotionality. While more important that the man score high, because in
most cases he will be the income earner, both should make about the same
scores.
Trait VIII is a measure of flexibility and adaptability. While average to
high scores are important, and while agreement or about the same scores are
desirable, if one must score low it is better for the man to do so than for the
woman.
Trait IX is a measure of thoughtfulness and consideration. This is a much
more important trait for women than for men, yet at the same time,

marriage happiness is definitely promoted by both making about the same
scores.
Trait X is important for either the man or the woman, because it measures
the family background of both people. It is important that both score as high
as possible on this trait. It is even more important for the girl to score high
than it is for the man. But if either mate should score low, it is most
important that the other score high.
To sum up, it is important that both people make about the same scores
on sociability (I), conformity (II), dependability (IV), stability (V) idealism
(VI), flexibility (VIII) and seriousness (IX), and the higher the better. If one
scored low on the other three (tranquillity, steadiness and family
background) it is important that the other score high.
But how can you get a more detailed, concrete picture of your
compatibility, or lack of it? On the following pages you are going to see
your degree of compatibility emerge from a series of twenty-one figures.
When those twenty-one figures are totaled you will have your answer.

Instructions
First glance over these “Do You Match?” tables on the next few pages to
familiarize yourself with them. In the twenty-one blocks you will match
yourselves on the ten traits already tested, you will match your total scores
on those traits and then in the last ten will match yourself on ten other
factors.
Take the very first item, “Test I.” This matches you on sociability.
Suppose the man had an adjusted score of twenty-seven when he took the
sociability test in the last chapter and the girl had a score of twenty-four.
Look over the five alternative combinations to see where such a scoring fits.
It fits in combination (d) so you should write a credit of three points in the
block on the right. On “Test II,” suppose the man made an adjusted score of
eighteen and the girl of seven. That’s a big difference. Since no such
combination is shown, write a zero in the block.

DO YOU MATCH?
Test i. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10 points

b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29, credit 5 points
c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points
d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit
Test ii. a. Both scored 15 or above, give credit of 8 points
b. One scored 15 or above, other scored 11-14, credit 4 points
c. Both scored 11-14, credit 2 points
d. Any other combination receives no credit
Test iii. a. Man scored 56 or above, girl 28 or above, credit 12 points
b. Man scored 56 or above, girl 23-27, credit 10 points
c. Man scored 46-55, girl 23 or above, credit 8 points
d. Man scored 37-45, girl scored 23 or above, credit 5 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit
Test iv. a. Man scored 50 or above, girl 100 or above, credit 20 points
b. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 40-49, credit 15 points
c. Girl scored 100 or above, man scored 31-39, credit 10 points
d. Man scored 40-49, girl scored 81-99, credit 8 points
e. Man scored 31-39, girl scored 81-99, credit 5 points
f. Any other combination receives no credit
Test v. a. Man scored 40 or above, girl 80 or above, credit 15 points
b. Man scored 31-39, girl 80 or above, credit 12 points
c. Man scored 21-29, girl 80 or above, credit 10 points
d. Man scored 40 or above, girl 60-79, credit 8 points
e. Man scored 31-39, girl 60-79, credit 5 points
f. Any other combination receives no credit
Test vi. a. Both scored 30 or above, give credit of 10 points
b. One scored 30 or above, other scored 25-29, credit 5 points
c. Both scored 25-29, credit 5 points
d. One scored 25-29, other scored 21-24, credit 3 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit
Test vii. a. Man scored 80 or above, girl 40 or above, credit 12 points
b. Man scored 80 or above, girl 35-39, credit 10 points
c. Man scored 71-79, girl 40 or above, credit 8 points
d. Man scored 71-79, girl 35-39, credit 5 points
e. Man scored 61-69, girl 40 or above, credit 3 points
f. Any other combination receives no credit
Test viii. a. Both scored 22 or above, credit 10 points
b. Man scored 22 or above, girl 13-21, credit 8 points
c. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 22 or above, credit 5 points
d. Man scored 13-21, girl scored 13-21, credit 3 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit
Test ix. a. Man scored 30 or above, girl scored 60 or above, credit 15 points
b. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 60 or above, credit 12 points
c. Man scored 19-23, girl scored 60 or above, credit 10 points
d. Man scored 30 or above, girl 48-59, credit 8 points

e. Man scored 24-29, girl scored 48-59, credit 5 points
f. Any other combination receives no credit
Test x. a. Both scores 120 or above, credit 20 points
b. One scores 100-119, other scores 120 or above, credit 15 points
c. Both score 100-119, credit 10 points
d. One scores 120 or above, other scores 81-90, credit 8 points
e. One scores 100-119, other scores 80 or less, credit 5 points
f. Any other combination receives no credit

TOTAL TEST SCORE

(Total of all ten tests as scored in Chapter XI)

a. Man 460 or above, girl 500 or more, credit 25 points
b. Man 400-459, girl 500 or more, credit 20 points
c. Man 460 or above, girl 425-499, credit 15 points
d. Man 400-459, girl 425-499, credit 10 points
e. Man 350-425, girl 400 or above, credit 5 points
f. Any other combination receives no credit

Now score your compatibility on the ten additional factors following and
fill the proper credits in the blocks just as you have been doing. On factors
7, 8 and 9 bear in mind that you cannot count as a part of your
acquaintanceship, courtship or engagement any period of time of three
months or longer when you did not see each other, as is the case where a
man was overseas.

1. Parents
a. Both sets of parents happily married, credit 15 points
b. One set of parents happy, other set average, credit 10 points
c. Both sets of parents average in happiness, credit 8 points
d. One set happy, other set not happy, credit 5 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit

2. Schooling
a. Both members of the couple have had education beyond high school, credit 10 points
b. Both have completed high school, credit 8 points
c. One has some college, the other has finished high school, 5 points
d. Any other combination receives no credit

3. Religion
a. Both regularly attend the same or similar churches, credit 15 points

b. Both are Jews, Catholics, or Protestants, credit 10 points
c. Although basic religions differ, both have about the same views, credit 5 points
d. Any other combination receives no credit

4. Parental Approval
a. Both sets of parents approve this match, credit 12 points
b. One set approves, the other is not opposed, credit 10 points
c. One set approves, one set opposes, credit 5 points
d. Any other combination receives no credit

4. Age Comparison
a. Both people are within 3 years age of each other, credit 10 points
b. Girl is three or more years older than man, credit 5 points
c. Any other combination receives no credit

5. Years of Age
a. Man is at least 25 years, girl at least 22, credit 10 points
b. Man is at least 23 years, girl at least 20, credit 5 points
c. Man 22 years or older, girl at least 19, credit 3 points
d. Any other combination receives no credit

7. Acquaintanceship
a. Have known each other six years or more, credit 20 points
b. Have known each other 3 but less than 6 years, credit 15 points
c. Have known each other 2 but less than 3 years, credit 10 points
d. Have known each other 1 but less than 2 years, credit 5 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit

8. Dating
a. Have been dating and going steady 3 years or more, credit 20 points
b. Have been dating and going steady 2 but less than 3 years, credit 15 points
c. Have been going steady 1 year but less than 2 years, credit 10 points
d. Have been going steady 8 months to 1 year, credit 5 points
e. Any other combination receives no credit

9. Engagement, if Any
a. Have been definitely engaged for over 2 years, credit 20 points
b. Have been definitely engaged 18 months to 2 years, credit 15 points
c. Have been definitely engaged 12 months to 18 months, credit 10 points
d. Have been definitely engaged not less than 6 months, credit 5 points
e. If engaged less than 6 months, no credit

10. Quarrels
a. There have been no quarrels to speak of during courtship, credit 20 points

b. Any misunderstandings have been quickly settled by mutual agreement, credit 15
points
c. While there have been conflicts, no one was so serious that the couple did not see each
other regularly, credit 10 points
d. Misunderstandings have been infrequent and have been settled by one or the other
giving in, credit 5 points
e. Any other answer receives no credit

Total Final Score

Now, you have twenty-one scores and a Total Final Score. Let us see
what this score means.
If the Total Final Score for you two is 250 or above, then you would
seem to be very well matched. Furthermore, it would appear that you two
people should be quite happy in marriage. If there are no unfavorable
factors present such as poor physical health, or inability to make a living,
and if you two people are really deeply in love, then your marriage should
be a happy one.
If the final score is 200 to 249, you would still seem to be fairly well
matched. If there are no unfavorable factors, if both of you are old enough
for marriage, if both of you are determined to make it work, you should be
happier than is the average couple.
If your final score is 150 to 199, the outlook would not seem to be too
favorable. Your marriage might not be as happy as that of the average
couple. Why not wait another six months? Give yourselves time to see what
some of your problems are. Do something active about them. It may help
you to talk things over with a marriage counselor, or with your minister, or
somebody else whom you trust and who is mature enough to help you
analyze the situation.
If your score is 149 or less, then it would seem that you two people
should put off marriage for six months or perhaps a year or longer. You can
be sure there are some factors present that should make you stop, look, and
listen. Perhaps both of you are not well adjusted as separate personalities, or
to each other. Maybe you are of radically different religions, or your parents
are opposed to your marriage. Perhaps you need to have a much longer

period of courtship or engagement. Whatever the reason, you should talk
the matter over with some person competent to advise you. See a good
marriage counselor or psychologist who specializes in guidance. Talk things
over with your minister, rabbi, or priest. You don’t want to make a mistake
and have an unhappy marriage that might terminate in separation or
divorce.
Of course you can say, and correctly, that you have little or no
responsibility for some of the factors, such as the lack of happiness in your
parents’ marriage. Even though this may be the case, you have been
affected or influenced by the presence or absence of happiness in your own
home.
What are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a
happy marriage even though one of you, or the two of you, may not have
made scores typical of young couples who get married and are happy?
These suggestions may be of help to you:
1. If you are introverted (unsociable), you should increase the number of
social skills that you have. Oftentimes we find that our enjoyment from
association with other people is increased greatly when we learn to do some
of the things they do, such as dance, bowl, swim, etc. Try to be outstanding
in something.
2. Acquire a philosophy of life. What are your beliefs and views? Are you
a conservative or a radical in politics, religion, ethics? Are there some
guiding principles in your life? If you aren’t sure, sit down with yourself
and try to figure out what you believe in and practice. Check it against your
own behavior. Do you say one thing and do another? Are your family and
friends rather sure about what you believe in, or do they have trouble
predicting what you will do next?
3. Is your temper explosive, unruly, and peevish? Why do you get angry?
If it is because you feel inferior, why do you feel inferior? Can’t you do
something about it? Do you honestly try to control your temper?
4. Are you unstable, fearful, nervous? Why? Is it because you feel you
are unattractive or ignorant, or are you carrying around feelings of guilt and
uneasiness about something you feel ashamed of? If it is your physical
health, see your physician. If it is your mental health, see a clinical

psychologist or psychiatrist. Develop a trusting confidential relationship
with someone, preferably an older person, with whom you can feel free to
unburden yourself.
5. Are your standards and ideals too low, or too high, when compared to
your behavior? Perhaps you are an intolerant and prejudiced person who is
too narrow-minded and prudish. Are you critical and gossipy about many of
the things your acquaintances do? Do you know whether you have set your
standards impossibly high; so high that you have a constant feeling of
frustration because you are always falling short?
6. Are you an emotional person, always going off on a tangent, never able
to keep a steady course? Is it because you aren’t in the work you want to
do? Can’t you change jobs? Perhaps you are confused in your thinking,
disturbed about religion, morals, things that are right or wrong. Have you
asked your friends their ideas? Do you keep busy? Have you talked things
over with your pastor? Is there some serious frustration always hanging
over your head? Why don’t you sit down, take stock of yourself? It is only
by an inventory of ourselves, accompanied by a searching analysis, that we
discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up.
7. Are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that “circumstances
alter cases?” Do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new
situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody else?
Perhaps you are smug, never have a new idea. Try reading a Republican
newspaper if you never read anything but a Democratic paper. Go to a
different church. Get out of the rut you are in. Listen to other people’s ideas
for a change. Don’t be so cocksure that you are always right and the other
fellow always wrong.
8. Do you ever sit down and think? Reflect about yourself, your friends,
your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop and ask yourself if you
are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you sympathize with others, try to avoid
saying things that may hurt somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people
rather than tear down? Do you go out of your way to help others?
9. If you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling, have you
stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best to prevent
conflicts? Unless you two people settle your problems by compromise and
mutual give-and-take, your marriage future looks dark.

10. Did you get engaged shortly after you first met? In most real love, an
engagement rarely occurs before the couple have known and dated each
other regularly for at least a year or longer.
11. Are you sure it is love? Could it be just loneliness, a desire to escape
an unpleasant environment? Are you sure it isn’t a “phantasy ideal?”
12. Why don’t your parents approve this marriage? After all, they may
have something. Look back in the past—weren’t they right many times then
when you thought they were wrong? Unless your friends warmly approve
this marriage, your parents are probably right in urging you to wait.
13. Do you really know your mate? What makes one a good date doesn’t
usually make one a good mate. Although an hour’s enjoyment of dancing,
going to the movies, etc. may be wonderful pastime, it may be far from
what you need in a mate. Are you sure what you want in a mate is what you
need? Are you sure that what you have found is what you need in a mate?
14. Last but not least is this prospective mate going to be the sort of
parent you want your children to have?
When you have finished asking yourself these questions, you will
probably have some good ideas what to do if you and your mate didn’t
make a score above average. Take your time. It is easier to get married than
it is to get separated or divorced, and much easier on one’s disposition in
the long run. You want to marry but we want you to make a good choice
and to find in marriage all the happiness and contentment that it can bring.

Procedure If You Are Doing the Matching Alone
Some readers may wish to see how they match with another person but
would prefer to do the matching without consulting him. That can be done,
though of course it will be much less accurate. Use the “Do You Match?”
tables in this chapter, just as couples working together did. You won’t have
much trouble scoring the last ten of the twenty-one items since they are
based on known facts. Your greatest problem will be in estimating the
scores your mate would make in the ten tests on personality traits. Your
estimates will necessarily be rough approximations; but if you have known
this person for several months you may have a fair idea how he would
answer the various questions in those tests and estimate scores for him

accordingly. Be rigidly honest when you imagine the answers this person
would make. You can double-check your compatibility with such an
absentee person by taking the following short test. It is a greatly abbreviated
check on compatibility.

ARE YOU WELL MATED?

Here is a final check-list on compatibility, primarily for a person who
took the tests in Chapter XI by himself. This test, which can be taken by
either a man or woman, provides you with a rough gauge for
determining whether the person you are dating might make a good mate
for you. If you are a man, change questions to read “she” instead of
“he.”

1. Are you two about equally sociable? That is, are you both either gadabouts or
both stay-at-homes? Yes No
2. Are you both stern-minded, with high ideals, or else are you both broadminded
and practical? Yes No
3. Does he find satisfaction and reward in his work? Yes No
4. Is he over 20, under 40, and not divorced? Yes No
5. Is he regarded by acquaintances as a solidly dependable person not given to
excuse-making and sly lies? Yes No
6. Have you been dating steadily for two years or longer? Yes No
7. Has your dating been relatively free from quarrels? Yes No
8. Do you and your mate have much the same beliefs and attitudes about religion? Yes No
9. Do both sets of parents favor this marriage? Yes No
10. Did he attend Sunday school regularly until he was at least 18? Yes No
11. Is he in good physical health? Yes No
12. Do you two have about the same emotional responsiveness or warmth of
passion? Yes No
13. Was he free of conflict with his parents and did they discipline him firmly but
not harshly? Yes No
14. Were his parents happily married? Yes No
15. Is he free of jealousy and suspicion? Yes No
16. Does he have a calm, even temperament, especially if you are one to fly off the
handle quickly? Yes No
17. Do you both have a healthy attitude toward sex? (That is, are you neither
disgusted nor morbidly concerned with it?) Yes No
18. Is he a temperate person not given to heavy drinking? Yes No
19. Are you two fairly close together somewhere in the broad middle zone between
being timid and reckless? Yes No
20. Do you both think you want children? Yes No

If each had sixteen yes answers or more to the above questions, then
your romance would seem to be on fairly solid ground. However, after
you have taken the test, then go back and compare the two sets of
answers on all the questions. If each had seventeen yes’s or more, and if
there was mutual agreement, that is, if both had the same yes answers to
at least fifteen of the questions, then it would appear that your marriage
is not so mixed that it cannot be made to work.

Chapter XIII
Beware of Mixed Marriages
The “Mixed” marriage is any marriage in which great differences exist
between the husband and wife, particularly differences of culture or
religious training. You also have a “mixed” marriage if there are decided
differences of personality, of intelligence, of education, of age, of race or
nationality, of social culture or of economic status.
Suppose there are great differences. That’s what makes life interesting,
some people say. Differences may be “interesting” but if they are really
fundamental they can form a gulf between the two mates that will make
happiness difficult to achieve. It is the conviction of the authors—based
upon a study of hundreds of happy and miserable marriages—that the more
a man and girl have in common the more likely they will enjoy being
married.
One of the factors that seems to have great importance in making a
marriage work is the congeniality of the two persons. This congeniality
must be built upon the things they have in common. The more things they
have in common and the fewer the differences, the greater the likelihood of
congeniality. And the greater the ease with which the two can talk over their
mutual problems fully, frankly, and understandingly. The success of a
marriage depends upon the total adjustment the two personalities can make
to each other. Even where couples are highly compatible far-reaching
adjustments must be made. When to the normal differences you add
fundamental differences of background, the sheer problems of adjustment
will add a severe strain to the union.
Suppose the two people do bridge the gulf between themselves. There
will be great differences between their two sets of parents that may present

problems. And there will be the differences between their two sets of
friends. No couple lives completely alone. Two mates not only take each
other for better or worse but also they must take with them the parents and
friends of the other.
Take two cases with which we are familiar. They are typical of the cases
in the files of any marriage counselor. (Their real names, of course, are not
used.)
John is forty-two years old, a Catholic, a Democrat and had a high school
education. His young bride, Margaret, is twenty-four, has had three years of
college at a fashionable finishing school. She is a Baptist and a Republican.
These two people think they are in love. Perhaps they are. But on the other
hand Margaret was attracted to John chiefly for his “maturity,” his
handsome appearance, the very nice compliments he paid her, and the
success he has made of himself. She likes the idea that he is a self-made
man. (He is the junior partner in a business, and his income is about six
thousand dollars a year.) John is fussy and parsimonious in his habits and
thinks that going to the movies once every month or two is enough for
anybody. He is not very sociable and would rather stay at home and read
some thrilling mystery story than go out. He lives with his parents and has
specified that Margaret come and live with them as his mother is not in too
good health. Margaret is vivacious, full of life and energy, very much
interested in parties, dancing and sports. She is warmhearted, and since she
was accustomed in her own home to having servants, she is careless where
she puts things. After she finishes dressing her room looks as though a
Kansas cyclone had struck it.
John was attracted to her despite her “odd” ways because she had given
him considerable appreciation for the progress he has made without much
formal education. She is the most attractive girl who has ever shown an
interest in him, and he subconsciously feels that her social position in the
community will be an asset to him in the success of his business. Despite
their present professions of love it is hard for us to believe these two will
find lasting happiness in marriage. They have too many points of
difference.
Jim and Mary, in contrast, are what we could call compatible. Jim is
twenty-eight, a college graduate in business, and is a junior executive in an

office-supply firm. He is a sociable person, likes the movies, wants to go to
an occasional dance and has many friends among both sexes. Mary also
likes to dance, has many friends, enjoys parties and sports. She was
graduated in liberal arts in college but in addition took a secretarial course.
He is a Methodist, she a Presbyterian. He is an independent in politics
though reared in a Republican home. Although Mary has voted the
Republican ticket she tends to be something of a liberal, politically. They
became acquainted in their senior year at college and now both are working
at the same firm. If they go through with their marriage we predict they will
find a great deal of happiness in it. They have so many things in common.
In the last few chapters we have already pointed out how crucial it is for
a couple to have compatible personality traits. Studies have shown that
unhappy couples frequently disagree on their friends, matters of recreation,
the way they demonstrate affection, the way children should be reared and
other things that are a vital part of marriage. The research of the Marriage
Counseling Service at Penn State has shown that the couples who disagree
most are the couples whose personalities are least alike. Take the great
difference of ideals in the case of the son of the traveling salesman who is
rushing the daughter of a clergyman. She is almost spiritual in her ideals
and at home learned to restrain all manifestations of affection. The young
man is handsome and dashing, a fast talker and a social butterfly. He likes
to tell dirty stories and to get drunk. It is unlikely that their romance will
progress far enough to contemplate marriage, but if they should get married,
the radical differences in traits will produce a great unhappiness.
What are the other factors besides personality traits that can produce
mixed marriages? Here are the main mixtures to watch out for.

Are There Fundamental Differences of Religion? If the couple are of
different religious beliefs their philosophies of life may be so deeply
different that they may be liable to constant friction.
One German study showed that the fewest divorces were in marriages
between Jews and that the largest number of divorces occurred when a
Catholic married a non-Catholic. In Maryland, twelve thousand young

people were asked the religious affiliations of their parents and also asked if
their parents were living together, divorced or separated. Here were the
percentage of broken marriages found in different groupings:

When both parents Jewish 4.6%
When both parents Catholic 6.4%
When both parents Protestant 6.8%
When religions mixed 15.2%

In other words, a mixed marriage is two or three times more likely to end
in unhappiness than when the marriage is not mixed religiously!
And in inter-marrying some combinations seem to be more explosive
than others. Below are three possible combinations in descending order,
with the bottom combination least likely of all to produce a happy marriage.

Protestant to Jew
Protestant to Catholic
Jew to Catholic

Catholics have the greatest difficulties in inter-marriages presumably
because their church takes a sterner view of inter-marriage than do the other
churches. Another factor may be that they are taught not to use birth control
devices (though family spacing through “rhythm” is condoned).
Suppose that a Catholic and Protestant do marry. There are thousands of
couples who have achieved happiness in spite of religious differences. You
can achieve it, perhaps, but both of you should face the problems involved
in such an inter-marriage before, not after, the wedding. If possible one
should agree to embrace the religion of the other. You should also definitely
agree on the church in which the children are to be reared. You should even
discuss the size of the family desired because that may become a point of
difference. If both refuse to budge from their religion they must face the
likelihood of disharmony developing after marriage, particularly as children
come along and decisions must be made about their religious training.
Religious inter-marriages are particularly difficult when one or both are
deeply religious and feel very strongly about holding to their particular
faith.

Are There Significant Differences of Intelligence? A wife can be
somewhat less intelligent than her husband and they can still be happy, but
almost any other variations in intelligence are apt to produce problems,
especially if the differences are pronounced.
Studies have shown that husbands and wives usually are much more alike
in intelligence than in physical characteristics. People in general tend to
select mates whose mental ability is about the same as their own. When two
people of vastly different mental equipment marry, the less-endowed mate
is apt to develop very strong feelings of inferiority, and the two may find it
very hard to select interests and activities to share. The more intelligent one
unconsciously may develop a superior attitude that may be patronizing or
impatient.
Another thing they are bound to disagree on is how to spend their leisure
time, the kind of friends that they will have, the social ethics they will have,
and in fact their whole philosophies of life. The brighter mate reads serious
magazines, listens to symphonies and forums, reads little or no light fiction.
The less intelligent mate is interested in the spectacular radio programs,
reads the more frothy magazines, has few deep intellectual interests. It is
the glamorous, exciting things that appeal. Also they do not share
ambitions. Two such people cannot talk over with each other their hopes
and ambitions, their frustrations. There is no sharing. One feels aloof from
the other.

Are There Four or More Years Difference in Formal Education? There
can be wide differences in schooling but only as long as the two people’s
interests and attitudes are about the same. And in these days of wide
reading, radio information, night schools and correspondence courses, two
people may differ greatly in formal education but differ little in their
informal education.
However, it does appear to be a fact that the happiest marriages seem to
be those in which the two people met each other on a school campus, took
similar curricula, lived in the same academic background.

Are There Wide Differences in Your Economic Background? This is
closely related to the social differences. Mothers have encouraged wide
differences in economic background by teaching their daughters to marry
“up” the economic scale. They are urged to make “good catches.” It is only
human for a mother to wish that her daughter will not have to scrimp as she
has had to in her marriage. It also enhances a family’s social prestige if a
daughter can marry “up.” However when there are wide differences in the
incomes of the two sets of parents, those differences are accompanied by
differences in social background which are often hard to reconcile. Added
to this is the factor of acceptance that invariably arises when either a girl or
man marries way above his own economic level. The parents and friends of
the wealthy mate often assume that the other married for money. That may
produce serious tension and create a lasting in-law problem.

Is There a Wide Difference in Age? One study has shown that the least
happy marriages are those in which the husband is six to eight years older
than the wife. Perhaps it is not the difference in age itself so much as the
fact that people that far apart in age will be unlike in other respects which
creates the strain on marriage.
The happiest marriages for wives seem to range from one extreme where
the wife is four years older than the husband to the other extreme where the
wife is four years younger than the husband. The happiest marriages for
husbands seem to be those in which the husband is from one year older than
the wife to where the husband is four years older than the wife. When all
the evidence is analyzed it would seem that the happiest marriages for
everybody concerned are those marriages in which the husband and wife are
within one to two years of each other.

Are There Differences in Your Social Culture? Here is a girl who has
been reared in the South. She was taught to be a lady, to be waited upon, not
to work because she would have servants. Here is a man brought up in
Nebraska, reared in a home where his own mother was hardworking, not
only did the housework but occasionally helped milk the cows and helped
do other chores for her farmer husband. With the Southern girl there has
been a tremendous emphasis upon “family,” on social prestige, on doing
certain things in certain precise ways. In the case of the Nebraska man, little
of this formality has been present. Instead the emphasis has been upon hard
work, upon thriftiness, upon a wife sharing heavily the responsibilities of
earning a living. Two such widely differing philosophies are likely to
produce grief in marriage. The war, with its tremendous shifts of
population, produced a great many of these interregional marriages. They
are certainly not doomed but the couples should face frankly the problems
involved in a mixing of cultures.

Those, briefly, are the main types of mixed marriages. You should enter
into them carefully, if at all. In any case where there are serious differences
of background, the couple should compare themselves carefully, see just
what the differences are, be realistic about those differences, ferret out the
special problems that those differences will create (as in the rearing of
children), agree on ways to attack the problems and solve them. Only then
is there hope that the marriage can be a success. The difficulty is that
couples tend to gloss over differences that exist. They refuse to identify
them, to admit their existence. They put off facing them. Then later in
marriage the problems can no longer be avoided and by then they have
become so acute that reconciliation becomes very difficult.
For example, if a Catholic wants to marry a Protestant, it is far better for
the couple to see the problems that will exist from such a mixed marriage
before they are married than after they are married.

Chapter XIV
Nine Dangerous Characters
There are some prospective mates who will survive all the tests we have
given you thus far and in fact look like ideal partners, and yet will bring you
grief every time in marriage.
In studying marriage failures it has been found that again and again
certain types of mates make a marriage seem intolerable. We’ll introduce
you to nine of the worst troublemakers. They are hard to detect, but usually
you can spot them if you have had several months really to know them
before you commit yourself to marriage.

The Jealous Mate. Perhaps a man becomes excessively jealous because his
young wife is attractive to other men or because she has been accustomed to
traveling with a more sophisticated crowd than he has. On the other side
perhaps the wife—with little cause—becomes insanely jealous of her
husband’s secretary.
We know from investigation that jealousy causes at least one out of every
five quarrels that occur between American husbands and wives. And
furthermore, in divorce cases jealousy turns up as a factor in almost half of
all divorces. That is not hard to understand because a jealous person
inevitably becomes a difficult person to live with. He or she is usually
suspicious, quick-tempered and disagreeable. It is hard to love a person who
is jealous of you. You lose your respect for him, and you can’t be natural
with him.

When you do try to be natural he will set you on your guard by some
snippish and unprovoked remark and will question you awkwardly at length
to check on your movements. Frequently he will fly into temper outbursts
or sink into black moods.
Psychologically jealousy is a feeling of frustration, which in turn
produces anger and dejection. The person is frustrated because he fears he
is losing the love of the mate or fears that the mate is being unfaithful.
Jealousy may be real or imaginary. Evidence uncovered at the Penn State
clinic would indicate that frequently it is the latter. In real jealousy the mate
knows, or suspects correctly, that the other person is flirting or acting in a
questionable manner. In imaginary jealousy the jealous person is that way
simply because he lacks confidence in himself. He would probably be
jealous of anyone he married, because he has strong feelings of inferiority
and is usually unstable emotionally.
Any prospective mate who is habitually in such a mental stew without
real cause would make an extremely poor husband or wife.

The Mate Who Wants to Improve You. There is sound psychology behind
the thought in the marriage ceremony that you take your spouse “for better
or for worse.” At the wedding each mate should be accepted for what he is
with no reservations for the future.
Marriage is a partnership in the true sense and if one partner takes it upon
himself to teach or improve the other, that relationship is sorely disturbed.
One starts feeling superior and the other either inferior or indignant or both.
It is terribly easy for some new husbands and wives—after the glamour
has worn off—to see flaws in their mates that should be corrected
immediately. Their intentions may be kindly but soon they are continually
criticizing and imploring the mate to change his or her ways.
A constant urge to improve a mate is closely akin to nagging. In fact
nagging means oral pressure, and when applied to a spouse it invariably
produces discord. The nagger in marriage is one of the major
troublemakers.

If the attempts to improve a mate are made in public—as they frequently
are—the affronts then clearly become intolerable. Nothing produces greater
resentment. Even if the aggrieved partner can absorb such criticism without
slashing back he will seethe inwardly and seek revenge for such an assault
on his dignity.
Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person is
rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather he could
stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying to improve the
other either because of his own underlying feeling of inferiority, or because
it gives him a mean, petty advantage over the other.
If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or prospective
mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t you try one of these
tacks?
First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your mate
will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow more alike
every day they are married.
If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather than
direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her husband that she
appreciates the fact that he has been more considerate of her during the past
few days. This may be hokum. But even though he has not been any more
considerate, the compliment will encourage him to be more considerate in
the future.
Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste in her
clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably infuriate her. But if
he starts out by complimenting her on the few presentable things she wears,
he can use them as springboards for getting across to her the kind of clothes
she should wear to make herself most appealing to him. Few women can
resist such suggestions.

The “Nervous” Mate. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many
husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally insecure.

They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific language, they are
maladjusted or neurotic.
Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person. In fact it
may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations. A person who is
unstable before marriage is apt to find that the increased responsibilities and
decreased liberty under marriage impose new burdens. His frustrations
become aggravated.
Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily married
couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to the emotional
maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps the husband flies into a
rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack has been moved. But any
psychologist knows such tantrums are merely symptoms, symptoms of the
man’s basic maladjustment to life. They will appear when he meets any sort
of frustration.
If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe rack in the
same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else. They will appear, that
is, unless the husband can get hold of himself and grow up emotionally.
This may require help from an experienced psychologist who can get at the
roots of the man’s difficulties.
Here are some other thoughts for easing a situation where one or both of
the couple are high-strung.
When either mate is upset the other should make it easy for him to talk
his troubles out. Talking things over dispassionately is a wonderful way to
ease tensions. Psychologists now realize its importance and refer to it as
mutual psychotherapy.
Sometimes the tensions are produced by physical and mental fatigue.
Perhaps one or both mates are working too hard and relaxing too little. If so
they should try to modify their routines to get in more rest, sleep and
relaxation.

The Financial Critic. Money is not the root of all evil, but it certainly is at
the root of a lot of marriage unhappiness. All studies that have been made

concerning the reasons why married couples quarrel agree that financial
arrangements cause more friction than any other one phase of marriage. For
example, couples quarrel five times as much over money as they do over
the rearing of children, which is a well-known troublemaker. One half of all
divorced couples say that financial problems were a part of their difficulties.
Unless the couple is really poor, the lack of money doesn’t cause the
troubles as much as bad management of it. The average couple should be
comforted to know that too much money causes trouble almost as much as
too little money.
A girl considering marriage with a man who has an irregular or uncertain
income should face frankly the fact that the situation may become the
source of bitter quarreling if the two aren’t careful. Regularity of income
and job security seem to be more important than the size of the income.
Couples who save money are happier than those who don’t, other things
being equal.
Both girls and men selecting a future mate should be wary of people who
are disorganized in their personal lives or are prone to carping. Those two
types of people are most apt to inspire or provoke quarrels over money.
The main grievance of wives financially is that their husbands are too
tight and the main complaints of husbands are that their wives are too
extravagant or too chaotic in their budget-keeping. Husbands, interestingly,
complain much more about the extravagance of their wives than wives
complain about extravagance of husbands.

The Alibi Artist. Beware of the excuse-maker. Alibi-making is not mentally
healthy. In fact it is one of the early signs of emotional confusion and
mental deterioration. If a man or girl sees in the other during courtship
indications that excuse-making is an ingrained habit, he would do well to
break off the courtship and seek a mate elsewhere.
That may sound like a harsh way to deal with the purveyor of “little
white lies” and excuses but it has been clearly established that such a person
is a very bad marriage risk. The individual usually excuses his own lack of

accomplishment or ability by projecting the blame for his failures on other
people. Bit by bit this projection becomes devastating.
Continued excuse-making gradually brings the individual closer and
closer to the gulf that divides the real from the imaginary, the sane from the
insane. In its most pronounced form it is paranoia, a type of insanity.
The alibi artist has little respect for the truth, cannot be predicted, evades
his obligations and is generally not dependable. The test designed to
measure this tendency to alibi, which psychologists call “tendency to
rationalize,” has already been discussed. The victim rationalizes or excuses
his own conduct. The amazing thing is that this one test is an extremely
accurate device to predict, by itself, marriage happiness or failure.
Investigations have established that persons obtaining low scores in that one
test have consistently proved to be unsatisfactory mates in marriage.
No husband ever gets conditioned to excuses for the lateness of meals,
the unmade beds, the buttons that have not been sewn on. He doesn’t resent
the inconveniences as much as he resents the wife’s constant excuses for
failure to show some improvement.

The Escapist. The escapist is a close relative of the alibier, but somewhat
more honest. He finds himself unable to cope with his everyday problem of
living in a modern world so he turns and flees from them. This flight may
be physical. That is, he may become a hermit or may go into the armed
forces where he can shed all responsibilities for directing his own life. But
more often nowadays the flight is into a dream world, via narcotics or
alcohol.
Heavy drinking is steadily becoming more serious. Many distillers are
even urging moderation in their advertisements. It is not merely on a moral
basis that marriage counselors will warn you to shun the heavy drinker. As a
husband or wife he’s a hard person to live with. And marriage rarely cures
dipsomania or any other mania. So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or
fiancée who habitually tipples.

The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing is sure:
the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the person’s basic
maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the maladjustment. In alcohol he
forgets his problems, or imagines that he has found brilliant solutions for
them.
The person who drinks excessively is always a psychological problem
and an amateur cannot hope to be too successful in tackling it. Even a
sanatorium cure brings only temporary relief unless the basic conflicts that
impelled him to drink are resolved. Usually very careful counseling of the
alcoholic is necessary to uncover his troubles and help him work out a
solution for them.

The Disorderly Mate. To be successful in marriage or almost anything else
in life, a person must keep his affairs in a fair degree of order. You should
be wary if you find that a person you are considering for marriage is sloppy
in his or her appearance or affairs.
If a girl’s apartment looks like an unmade bed, you can consider that a
fairly accurate forecast of how she would manage your home. Or if a man is
habitually late for dates or shows up without a tie or with unshined shoes,
you can be sure he would be even more sloppy and inconsiderate as a
husband.
Neatness, of course, can be overdone. One wife we know objects to her
husband sitting in certain chairs until he has changed his clothes. Another
will not permit her husband to enter the living room—which she prizes—
until he takes off his shoes, unless there are guests.
Some people are fastidious about the way they dress and yet are
disorderly in organizing their lives. Others are the other way around. But
when disorderliness becomes general an intolerable strain is imposed on a
marriage.

The Mate with Clinging Relatives. Statistically, in-laws cause about as
much marriage woe as drinking. Many a promising marriage has been
marred by them.
In the past six months, more than ten per cent of the troubled married
couples consulting the Penn State Marriage Counseling Service had
problems aggravated or initiated by their in-laws. We read recently a letter
from a young wife who bewailed the fact that her husband’s mother insisted
on going along with them on their honeymoon. She had told her son she
needed a vacation and would like to go with them. Without consulting the
bride he agreed. The bride lamented:
“I spent far more time alone with my mother-in-law than I did with my
bridegroom!”
Living with in-laws at any time creates a hazard for most couples and
should be avoided if possible, but it is particularly irritating during the first
few months of marriage. Those months are crucial because of the
adjustments the two people are making. It is then that they get fully
acquainted, adapt their habits, work out compromises.
Any person contemplating marriage shows lack of foresight if he fails to
consider the attachments his prospective mate may have to close relatives,
or if he fails to weigh the chances that these relatives will ever live with the
couple, and the outcome if they do.
One little-known aspect of this is that some in-laws in a couple’s home
cause more trouble than others. The husband’s mother, for example, is apt
to produce more difficulties than the wife’s mother because it is the wife
who must spend the most time with the woman.
The husband’s mother often becomes a rival of the wife for the husband’s
attentions and—as the husband’s own mother—may become head of the
household.
Likewise a wife’s father in the household presents more difficulties than
the husband’s father.
It is not necessarily fatal to live with in-laws. In fact the hazards are
relatively small if the man and wife are both grown up emotionally and very
happily married.

If you do find yourself eventually living with an in-law in the home,
remember most of all to keep all financial arrangements clear-cut, and abide
by them even more scrupulously than you would if they involved total
strangers. Further, don’t borrow money from them.

The Flirt. Whether male or female, the person with the roving, aggressive
eye is a poor prospect for marriage. The flirt is a poor prospect because he
is basically a shallow, conceited, inconsiderate person, incapable of genuine
love.
He will prove a difficult, unsatisfying person to live with as a marriage
partner, because the wedding ceremony will not change his fundamental
characteristics. You will have trouble establishing a give-and-take
relationship with him. Then, when the glamour of the wedding wears off
and the normal difficulties of marriage adjustment confront him, he will
find this humdrum and start recalling his premarital conquests. Soon he
may be flirting again and you may find yourself with a triangle on your
hands. Triangles are responsible directly or indirectly for at least a fourth of
all divorces.

ARE YOU TOO JEALOUS?

Every person is a little jealous of his or her mate. But there is a point
where the jealousy becomes excessive—and dangerous. Whether real or
imaginary, the jealousy puts you in such a dark mood that anything you
do may harm rather than improve the relationship.

1. Do you feel this potential mate of yours neglects you? Yes No
2. Do you want and need considerable attention and praise? Yes No
3. Does he turn and look at other girls (or does she seem to relish the attention of
other men)? Yes No
4. Do you ever try to “get even?” Yes No
5. Is your temper easily aroused? Yes No
6. Does it upset you to have somebody disagree with you in public? Yes No
7. Do you keep close tabs on him (or her) when both of you are at a party? Yes No
8. Do you feel envious of certain other persons of your own sex that you know? Yes No
9. Do you ever quarrel with this person after returning from a party? Yes No

10. Has he, or she, learned not to praise other people of your own sex in front of
you? Yes No
11. Do you like to listen to gossip? Yes No
12. Do you sometime feel alone when in a crowd? Yes No
13. Do you want this person to wait on you a good deal? Yes No
14. Do you think most people of the opposite sex will bear watching? Yes No
15. When this mate is late do you want an explanation? Yes No
16. Do you ever have it out with a person who says untrue things about you? Yes No
17. Would you be considered a “possessive” person? Yes No
18. Have you ever suspected that some friend’s mate was misbehaving and have
contrived to let the friend know about it? Yes No

If you answered fourteen or more of these with yes you are a victim
of extreme and unhealthy jealousy. If however you answered less than
four with yes you apparently don’t even love the person.

Chapter XV
People Who Should Not Marry at All
Every time the Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has offered its
course on the preparation for marriage, the class has been asked to list the
qualifications they think a person has to have before he should undertake
marriage.
It was interesting to note that the girls in the class consistently voted for
higher qualifications than the men. We have averaged the responses of the
many hundreds of students and present below those qualifications
mentioned by at least fifty per cent of the students:

Percentage
Qualifications for Marriage Voting for Them
Freedom from venereal disease 100%
Freedom from feeble-mindedness 99%
(If sterilized, 24% would permit marriage)
Freedom from insanity 97%
Freedom from criminality 94%
Freedom from dipsomania 91%
Freedom from drug addiction 85%
Freedom from neuroticism 76%
Proof by groom that he can support bride 69%
(This includes evidence of occupational proficiency
and at least $150 in savings)
Record of no more than one divorce, if any 50%

Other qualifications suggested but receiving less than forty-five per cent
of the votes were freedom from tuberculosis, cancer, epilepsy and fatal
heart disease, freedom from sterility and from inherited physical defects.
About ninety-seven per cent of the students thought that both men and

women should have premarital physical exams that would determine
freedom from venereal disease.
We feel that there is a great deal of merit to the qualifications raised by
the students. With those as a starting point we have prepared nine questions
which you should ask yourself—and be able to answer yes. They are
minimum qualifications for marriage. We feel you should have serious
doubts about the advisability of marrying another person if you answer no
to even one of the questions. Here they are:

Is Your Mate Sane and from a Family in Which No Insanity is Present?
Except in pronounced forms, psychoses are not easily diagnosed. The
borderline between sanity and insanity is no more distinct than is the line
between black and white. All shades of gray exist. Many paranoidal persons
roam the streets of our country and in many cases are able to carry the
responsibilities of normal life, at least until they encounter continued
frustration which will bring the insanity into an easily recognizable form.
Insanity is not easily detected unless there is uncontrolled behavior or
pronounced incompetence in obeying normal standards of behavior. In a
recent book issued through the National Committee for Mental Hygiene
there is a statement that one out of twenty-five persons reaching adulthood
should be confined. Another four out of twenty-five are severely neurotic
and another eight are handicapped by milder neurotic disturbances. On the
basis of these findings at least one person in four is severely maladjusted
and at least one in two is maladjusted to some extent.
If you are concerned about the mental balance of any possible mate, you
might ask yourself these questions:
Has he been confined at some time in a mental institution?
Has he been rejected or released from military service because of
outright mental disturbances?
Does his family have a history of insanity?
Is he free from syphilis?

Has he ever suffered from severe injury damaging the brain?
Do you know if he has shown extreme aberrations on any
psychological tests to measure abnormalities of mental function?
Has he failed to discharge the responsibilities of life in a legal,
competent, conventional manner?
Has he any record of uncontrollable rages resulting in injuries to
others?
Does his family physician question his sanity?
While it is possible that he might be sane though you answered yes to
some of these questions, the odds are against it. You should keep in mind
however that many boys discharged from this past war as neuropsychiatric
cases are not insane and most of them will be able to settle down within a
few months after their discharge and earn a livelihood and live a normal
life.

Is Your Mate Law-Abiding, Does He Have a Record Free of Criminal
Offenses and are His Parents Likewise Law-Abiding? Many employers,
including the federal and state governments, hesitate to employ a person
with a criminal record. The habitual criminal is not easily cured. Certainly
three or more convictions for criminal offenses should indicate a personality
pattern adverse to marriage happiness. In New York State, four convictions
for criminal offenses automatically result in life imprisonment.

Is Your Mate in Fairly Good Physical Health Generally and Free from
Venereal Disease? Most of the states have passed laws providing statutory
protection against syphilis. These states contain about three-fourths of the
total population of the country. It is interesting that about one person in a
hundred taking premarriage blood tests is found infected with syphilis. In
these days of the miracle sulfa drugs and penicillin, cures of venereal

disease can be effected in a matter of weeks. Syphilis is a blighting disease
which, if uncured, will wreck any marriage sooner or later. Anyone who is
in chronic bad health due to other ailments adds a severe burden to any
marriage.

Is Your Mate Free from Using Drugs Such as Morphine or Heroin or
Marijuana? Addiction to the traditional drugs is not a serious problem in
this country but a great many young people have been taking to marijuana
for quick “jags” under the impression that such jags are not dangerous.
Musicians particularly often use this drug. But it is a dope just as surely as
opium is, its effect can be just as vicious, and it is used only by persons who
are unstable emotionally and thus poor marriage risks to start with.

If Your Mate Drinks, is He Temperate in the Use of Alcoholic
Beverages? The dipsomaniac is an alcohol addict just as the opium smoker
is a dope addict. He is characterized by an uncontrollable craving for
alcohol. In some people alcohol produces a temporary feeling of well-being
and elation, sometimes called euphoria. Because it does, people sometimes
turn to drinking as an escape from their unsolved problems. Bit by bit the
habit of drinking is built up. The person who marries a mate who is an
excessive or habitual drinker in the expectation of reforming him is due for
a bitter awakening. Marriage rarely cures drinking or any other abnormal
condition. Expert treatment is needed. In skilled hands the drunkard is
sometimes cured—if he really convinces himself that he wants to be cured.
But the cure is long and arduous and the proportion of relapses is still great.

Is Your Mate Intelligent Enough to Earn a Living and Discharge the
Responsibilities of Life Competently? There is no doubt that feeble-
mindedness is inherited. Individual intelligence tests usually indicate that

any person is feeble-minded who scores an IQ of seventy or less. (One
hundred is average.) Even when sterilization of a feeble-minded person is
performed it still does not seem reasonable to permit that person to marry
since he can rarely contribute to the success of a marriage and often cannot
earn a living.

Is Your Mate Fairly Stable, Well-adjusted and Able to Get Along with
People? There are many shades of nervous disorders ranging from neurosis
through psychoneurosis. The neurotic has a minor nervous disorder. The
psychoneurotic has some ailment—without organic basis—which may
involve hysteria, a paralysis or cramps. Many so-called miracle cures take
place with persons who actually have no physical disabilities but have the
disability in their mind.
In July 1945 such a “miracle” cure occurred at a military canteen. A 20-
year-old soldier was walking painfully around on crutches. One of the
junior hostesses asked him half-seriously if he would like to dance. He
stated that he would but that he couldn’t even walk. She replied that she
was a big strong girl who could hold him up. The soldier laughed, pushed
his crutches under the table, stood up shakily, clung to a chair, then to the
hostess. Getting started was difficult and he stumbled a time or two. Slowly
they began to dance. Amazingly the soldier began having less and less
trouble with his legs. They danced all through the evening and when the
soldier left to take her home he was walking perfectly and left his crutches
as a memento of his cure. As a result of a shrapnel wound he had become
convinced he would never walk again. Under the stimulation of music, and
the eagerness of a young girl to dance, the soldier forgot his crutches. So it
goes with psychoneurotics. They are convinced that their neck is paralyzed,
that they cannot hear or cannot see. Many such cases show immediate
improvement once the war is over and the frustrations and fears of war lift
from them. But others retain their bodily symptoms of psychological
disturbance throughout their lives.
In this postwar world, marriageable girls will have to be concerned about
the mental disturbances of some ex-service males. They should be sensible
about these defects and realize they are merely a product of war-imposed

frustrations. But they should be sure that they recognize the defects and are
prepared to live with them. About twenty per cent of all war casualties
returned to this country have been mental cases, and the fighting was so
grueling in some theaters of war, such as the Solomons, that the percentages
of psychological casualties have been known to rise at times to as high as
forty per cent of all casualties.
A neurotic or psychoneurotic needs skillful treatment from a psychiatrist
or clinical psychologist. A girl should hesitate to marry such a person at
least until a medical authority has pronounced that he is competent to make
the adjustments that a marriage entails and to fill the role of a mate
successfully.

Is Your Mate a Person Who Has Not Been Divorced from Two Previous
Marriages? Even a person with one divorce to his credit is a hazard when
he remarries. A person with two divorces should definitely be shunned, if
you hope to achieve a lasting and happy marriage.
Divorce is not inherited, but it does run in families. It is known that
persons whose own parents are divorced are much more likely to seek
divorce than those whose parents were not divorced. Divorce is marriage
bankruptcy, and any person who has failed twice in marriage is unlikely to
succeed in a third. A person with a record of two divorces should have his
right to marry anyone seriously questioned. A bank would certainly hesitate
to lend a man money who had failed to pay a previous loan, and certainly
would refuse a loan to a person who had gone bankrupt twice before.
The couple that marries in haste frequently divorces in haste. Thus one
reason for many of our wartime divorces. Likewise the couple that takes
plenty of time before marriage rarely has to seek a divorce, especially if that
marriage results in children.

Will You and Your Mate Be Able to Support Yourselves? This
presumably will mean that before undertaking marriage one of the mates—
preferably the man—should demonstrate through a work record that he is
capable of earning a living. Under normal circumstances, about one wife in
six or seven works to supplement the earnings of her husband. It is probable
that not less than one wife in fifty is the sole support of the family. The best
way to demonstrate ability to earn a living is for one of the mates (again
preferably the man) to demonstrate occupational proficiency by at least one
year of gainful employment.
It is also important that no couple should marry without a cash reserve
after the costs of the wedding. Sickness, possible pregnancy, the furnishing
of an apartment and other factors make some emergency fund advisable.
The Penn State students thought this saving should amount at least to ten
per cent of the estimated expenses for the first year.
In making sure you are both physically fit for a happy marriage we
recommend that you submit to a premarital physical examination. In fact
some couples like to have two premarital exams, one just before they
become formally engaged, and the second just before they marry. It seems
to us that if physical factors are found which might seem undesirable to
either member of the couple, or to their families, it would be best that such
conditions be discovered before the formal engagement, to avoid
embarrassment. The second exam would be token just before the marriage
because the laws of many states require that the physical exam be taken
within thirty days of the marriage date.
Whether you plan one or two exams, there should be one thorough one,
far more comprehensive than that required by law. The typical physician, in
order to keep the exam reasonable in price, usually examines only far
enough to find if the couple meet the legal requirements, which are
primarily concerned with freedom from venereal disease. Here are some
things that a comprehensive exam should cover:
1. Physical defects that may be crippling or later impair the ability of the
individual to earn a living or make a home.
2. The hereditary history of each family should be checked for the
possibility of insanity or feeble-mindedness or other inherited defects that

might be transmitted to offspring even though not too apparent in the person
being examined.
3. Because most couples will want children, the reproductive apparatus
should be examined to see if reproduction is possible and that the individual
is free from defects that would make conception impossible or childbirth
hazardous. (This would mean pelvic measurements for the female.) The
possibility of sterility or impotence should be checked and any physical
factor that might impair or prevent normal sexual relations should be
treated.
4. There should be an investigation of the integrity and normal
functioning of the heart, respiratory apparatus and the central nervous
system.
5. Freedom from venereal disease, both gonorrhea and syphilis, should be
ascertained.
The physical exam gives the physician an unusually good opportunity to
allay any fears regarding sexual adjustment that either person may have. At
the examination just prior to the wedding, the physician can give the girl
instructions in the role of the female in physical intimacy. There should be
an explanation of orgasm, and if desired, there can be instructions about
birth spacing.
Even though some factors may be adverse that does not mean you should
refrain from marrying. It simply means that both of you go into marriage
with your eyes open. Furthermore, most physical defects can be corrected,
often even sterility. Much of the impotence among young men is caused by
psychological rather than physical factors.

IS THE MATE A NEUROTIC?

And while you are at it you might ask yourself whether you are too.
Answer yes or no.

1. Is he or she easily fatigued?
2. Does he or she have many headaches?
3. Does the mate often feel blue?
4. Does he feel unhappy much of the time?
5. Does he frequently seem to feel lonely?

6. Does he often complain that he feels nervous and shaky inside?
7. Does he often seem to feel miserable?
8. Does he seem to find it hard to trust people?
9. Does it bother him to talk to strangers?
10. Are his feelings easily hurt?
11. Does he often have the feeling that the whole world is against him?
12. Is it apparently difficult for him to keep his mind on what he is doing?
13. Is he troubled frequently with indigestion or heartburn?
14. Does he say that he sometimes gets so discouraged he feels like giving up?
15. Does he often feel weak or as though he were going to faint?
16. Does he often have pains in his hip or back?
17. Does he think that people talk about him behind his back?
18. Does he think he has had a great deal of hard luck in his life?
19. Does he say that people frequently play mean tricks on him?
20. Does he worry about many things?
21. Does he have trouble getting along with people?
22. Does he complain of being frequently troubled with long periods of insomnia or restless
sleep?
23. Does he often appear listless, indifferent or uninterested in life around him?
24. Is he suspicious of some of his acquaintances or friends?
25. Are his habits of eating or sleeping irregular and peculiar?

An affirmative answer to any one of these questions does not
mean the person is a neurotic by any means. But a pattern of
neuroticism is apparently present in the person if he answered ten or
more with yes. He appears to be maladjusted to life. Ideally every
question should be answered no. If you feel you don’t know the
person well enough to answer some of the questions, score only
those you are sure of. Then, if two out of five of your answers are
yes, it would appear that the person may be maladjusted. And
incidentally, how did you make out yourself?

Chapter XVI
Will a Job Undermine the Marriage?
The Only thought couples usually give to their respective careers at the time
they decide to marry is whether there will be enough income to support
them. Actually, the type of work the groom does may produce irritations
that may ruin the union. Or if the bride wants to continue her career after
marriage, that may cause trouble if not handled carefully.
Let’s take the problem of the bride first. Should she continue her career
or devote all her energy to managing a home? There is, of course, no final
answer. We know of many married couples who have worked out excellent
relationships while the wife continues her career. But we also know that
such an arrangement is not normal and that it often produces difficulties
because of psychological factors. It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s
sense of mastery of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support
her properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to win the
husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking skill. Believe it or
not, one very important appeal of marriage to a man is to have his favorite
dishes home-cooked and waiting for him when he comes home from work.
If the wife has a career, the couple usually ends up eating out or eating
warmed-up delicatessen specials. Finally a career makes it difficult for a
wife to bear and rear children, and children are another of the big values of
marriage that hold couples together.
Homemaking is a definite career, and if there are children, a full-time
career. There is far more to making a home than the housekeeping end of it.
A homemaker is a physician when the husband or child is sick; she is an
interior decorator; she must be a good cook and dietitian; she must be an
expert on clothing repair; she must be a good teacher and an expert on the
psychology of handling children; she must often be a judge in settling

arguments; she must be an expert purchasing agent because she will spend
at least eighty per cent of the family’s income; she must be some sort of
bookkeeper if she keeps the budget and pays the bills; she must be a repair
man who can replace a fuse, repair an electric light cord, put oil on a
squeaking hinge.
If the average husband gave as mediocre a performance on his job as
many wives do as homemakers he would be fired. Unquestionably one of
the reasons why divorce is on the increase is that careers and other
diversions prevent wives from giving as much attention and care to the art
of homemaking as they once did. Why do married women work? Here are
the main reasons:
—Pure necessity.
—To enable themselves to have more luxurious and extra comforts
than the husband’s income alone could afford.
—Because marriage is not too satisfying to them and they are bored.
—Because they do not want children.
—Because they want to be independent financially.
—Because they would rather hire somebody to do the housework
than to do it themselves.
—Because they want an independent career.
Virtually all studies made show that the happiest married women are
those who do not work after marriage. In the study by Dr. G. V. Hamilton, A
Research in Marriage, only forty-five per cent of the women working after
marriage had a “satisfactory” to “very satisfactory” marriage compared to
some fifty-five per cent of the women not working after marriage who were
happy in marriage.
Once a wife starts working, she may resolve to stop at the end of a
specific period, but by the time the deadline arrives she usually finds a
reason why she should continue a little longer. Frequently she and her
husband have bought things like an automobile that prevent them from
attaining enough stability financially to permit her to stop working. She

continues to work, thereby putting off having children and perhaps never
has them.
But now let’s take up the greater—and less understood—dangers
involved in the types of work the groom does. Many wives today think they
are dissatisfied with their husbands when actually they are dissatisfied with
his working habits or his job.
For example, some jobs carry more social prestige than others. Here are
some twenty-four occupations rated by college students (1940) on their
prestige, with those with the highest prestige at the top and those with the
least prestige at the bottom:

1. Physician 13. Farmer (owner)
2. Clergyman 14. Insurance agent
3. Lawyer 15. Salesman
4. College professor 16. Bookkeeper
5. Manufacturer 17. Machinist
6. Banker 18. Carpenter
7. Artist or author 19. Barber
8. Man of leisure 20. Factory operative
9. Engineer (college trained) 21. Blacksmith
10. Factory superintendent 22. Soldier
11. School teacher 23. Truck driver
12. Storekeeper 24. Ditch digger

Richard O. Lang, as a graduate student at the University of Chicago,
made a study of marriage happiness based upon ratings made by
acquaintances of more than seventeen thousand married couples. On the
basis of his findings here is how fifty different occupations rated on the
descending scale of marital happiness. The happiest are at the top and the
least happy are at the bottom. Here is the approximate order:

1. Chemical engineers 26. Factory foremen
2. Ministers 27. Garage owners
3. College professors 28. Mail clerks
4. Teachers 29. Insurance salesmen
5. Engineers 30. Brokers
6. Wholesale salesmen 31. Electricians
7. Chemists 32. Druggists
8. Accountants 33. Clerks
9. Civil engineers 34. Salesmen, auto, etc.
10. Office workers 35. Railroad office workers

11. Physicians 36. Railroad workers
12. Bankers 37. Farmers
13. Newspaper workers 38. Bond salesmen
14. Government workers 39. Skilled workers
15. Coöperative officials 40. Barbers
16. Architects 41. Gas station employees
17. Large business owners 42. Truck drivers
18. Lawyers 43. Musicians
19. Store salesmen 44. Real estate salesmen
20. Contractors 45. Plumbers
21. Printers 46. Auto mechanics
22. Bookkeepers 47. Carpenters
23. Dentists 48. General mechanics
24. Bank employees 49. Traveling salesmen
25. Small store owners 50. Laborers

One interesting statistic is that while eighty per cent of the clergy had
happy or very happy marriages (as assessed by their friends) only forty per
cent of salesmen had marriages at least as happy or very happy, again as
assessed by friends. Only eleven per cent of the clergy seemed to be really
unhappy in marriage while thirty-six of the salesmen were.
Obviously education is not the determining factor in an occupation’s
happiness quota because physicians, lawyers and dentists, who require more
schooling than almost any other group, are definitely less happy in marriage
than engineers, teachers and ministers. Musicians rate very low, coming
between truck drivers and real estate salesmen, apparently because of the
mobility and impermanence of their jobs.
There are seven types of work that seem to be the major vocational
troublemakers. They don’t need to produce trouble. In fact if both the man
and wife are aware of the potential dangers involved and act accordingly
trouble rarely occurs. But if they don’t possess such awareness, they may
find it increasingly difficult to find happiness through marriage. Both will
be resentful without knowing why. We don’t advise girls to avoid marrying
men in these types of work. That would be ridiculous. But we do suggest
that they take the job into consideration. Then, if they go ahead and marry
the man, they will do it with their eyes wide open and with a plan to remove
the danger by normalizing their married life as much as possible despite the
job.

With that thought in mind let’s take up the seven big troublemakers.

The Man Who Travels a Lot. This includes not only the traveling
salesman, whose reputation for waywardness has a great deal of basis in
fact, but also traveling entertainers, truck drivers, professional soldiers,
casual laborers, railroad workers, air pilots. There are also multitudes of
others whose work requires stopovers or prolonged stays away from home.
It is the mobility of the job rather than the fact that unreliable characters
work in them that produces the trouble. Lonesome and dissatisfied, the
mobile person seeks substitutes which create strife at home when they are
learned of, and feelings of guilt with the man even when they aren’t. Such a
mobile person is more likely to come in contact with other women who may
seem very attractive to him since he is denied the companionship and daily
affection of his family. There seems to be absolutely no doubt that those
occupations which are somewhat fixed, that is, which require little or no
traveling, provide happier marriages, other things being equal.
Wives can counteract the danger by frequently arranging to accompany
the husbands on trips they may make. Even though the wife may have
children, there are many trips on which she can accompany her husband. In
most cases the husband, far from resenting her presence, welcomes it
because he does get lonely and bored traveling in strange towns.
Even though the wife is busy she should take time out to accompany her
husband over his entire territory so that she sees some of the problems he
faces and meets some of the people he has to work with. In doing this she
serves two purposes: she is better able to talk to her husband intelligently
about his work if she knows the operation and the people involved. This
will encourage him to unburden his occupational problems to her rather
than think she is just a dumb housewife and take them elsewhere or brood
over them. The second purpose is that by letting his associates on the route
see her she makes them more aware of the fact that he is a happily married
man and they will thus be less likely to put temptations in his way.
In taking normalizing actions such as these, a girl can more safely choose
a mate whose work keeps him mobile and with less fear that the marriage

will be hazardous.

The Man Nobody Knows. If the groom earns his income outside the
community where you will live and is seen very little there, he will feel less
desire for social approval of his conduct. To put it in sociological terms, he
will not be under close “community scrutiny.” Thus he is more susceptible
to the temptation of heavy drinking, gambling, or other women than the
man whose job does come under community scrutiny. Examples of the
latter are teachers, ministers, storekeepers, and town officials. These men all
come into a great deal of daily contact with the members of the community
and thus are more concerned about “keeping up appearances.” Other things
being equal, the greater the degree of social control exerted, the greater the
happiness of the marriage.
If a girl does marry a man who doesn’t come under this scrutiny, she can
to some extent bring him under it by being seen with her husband at many
public places, encouraging him to join with her in participating in many
community activities, by introducing her husband to many different people
and letting them know the kind of work he does.

The Man Who Works at Abnormal Hours. During the war we came to
hear a lot about the swing shifters. But in war or peace there are millions of
men who keep unusual hours—policemen, newspapermen working on
morning newspapers, bartenders, night watchmen, etc. They can make it
difficult for a wife, particularly if she is a mother, to adapt her daily routine
of living to the shifting hours of work. This is destructive to happiness
because husband and wife have too little opportunity to be with each other.
Furthermore not many men can change their hours of sleep from week to
week without becoming irritable. If he has children he is denied the normal
opportunities to play with them. All the evidence we have indicates that
occupations which require working late are not as likely to be associated

with marital happiness as those occupations which permit working during
the daylight hours.
In one case a couple married seven years were on the verge of divorce
within four months after the husband took a night job. He had become
lonely because he missed all his normal associations and finally had fallen
in love with a waitress at an all-night lunchroom where he ate. Happily the
wife kept her senses and instead of agreeing to the divorce merely asked for
a postponement of the decision for a few months. Meanwhile she got busy
and made a greater effort to make home a more appealing place to him. She
rearranged the schedule of the children so they could be with their father an
hour every day, she began paying more attention to her own grooming and
arranged her own schedule so that she could sleep at the same time her
husband did two days a week. Soon the husband lost interest in the other
woman.

The Man Whose Income Is Irregular. This includes all salesmen working
on commission, free-lance writers, small business owners, seasonal
workers, lawyers, physicians, brokers, plumbers, architects, etc. One fact
that has been noticed repeatedly in marriage studies is that regularity of
income has a considerable influence upon marriage happiness. Apparently
couples having regular incomes are better able to plan their expenditures
and savings, to be neither flush at one time nor impoverished at another, and
are better able to work out long-term financial plans. At any rate there
seems to be a good deal less bickering where the income is regular. To live
happily with a man with a fluctuating income the mates need to show the
wisdom of the Biblical Joseph, by saving during fat months for lean
months, and by keeping an unusually rigorous eye on the accounts. If they
can save up a real backlog, and can take a philosophical attitude toward the
whimsies of his income, they should have no more trouble than the average
couple. The savings will provide a psychological cushion as well as a real
one.

The Man Whose Work Is Dirty or Nerve-racking. We know a farmer who
says his wife is so annoyed by his dirty clothes that she won’t touch them
and won’t let him inside her house until he puts on dress shoes. Such wives
should remember that dirt is an honorable mark of a farmer’s, a mechanic’s,
or a coal miner’s occupation. And perhaps if approached good-naturedly, he
can be persuaded to change to clean clothes before leaving the site of his
work.
Other husbands have jobs whose work is noisy, tense, or exacting. This
includes steeplejacks, tunnel builders, foundry workers, pilots, etc. The jobs
leave the husband emotionally exhausted and highly irritable. The wife of
such a man will find herself involved in repeated quarreling and sniping
unless she realizes the husband’s state of mind when he comes home and
sees to it that he has a warm bath and an hour of rest and relaxation before
she disturbs him or approaches him with any family problems.

The Man Who Feels Insecure in His Job. Job security, like regularity of
income, is an important factor in marriage happiness. A number of studies
have shown that the most contented and satisfied men are those who feel
secure in their job. The assurance of permanence enables the man to be
serene. When a man feels insecure in his job he is more likely to change
jobs frequently, hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not
only jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems for
the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems. Loss of
work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over where the next meal is
coming from, brings in the possibility of public relief, lowers the man’s
self-respect and may decrease his wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while
husband and provider. Undoubtedly one of the reasons for the rise of the
divorce rate after the great depression was the tension engendered by threat
of unemployment which placed great strains upon family living.
If a girl marries a man in such a status she should be prepared to help her
husband by not being critical of his work and by not throwing it up to him
that he is unable to get a permanent job. She can even encourage, and
sympathetically help him get some specialized training that may prepare
him for a better job which offers greater security. Perhaps he can do it at

night or by correspondence courses. Far more men than do would seek to
improve their vocational skills if their wives would encourage and inspire
them to become more competent.

The Man Who is Not Proud of His Job. Social prestige of an occupation is
an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great deal to do with marital
happiness. A man is more likely to work out a happy marriage when he is
engaged in work that is approved and respected by the community. If the
man is a gravedigger or bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and
particularly the children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige
involved. If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her
man is performing an essential function in the community. Further, she
should realize that if such a family seems to live happily together, if they
are active in church and community affairs and lead respected lives, they
will be accepted for what they are and not for what the man’s occupation
happens to be. One of the happiest, most respected men we know is the
garbage collector in a New England town.
We repeat, the seven types of men we have just discussed are not
necessarily to be shunned as mates. But girls marrying them should realize
the problems that may be involved.

Chapter XVII
The Veteran as a Mate
Most of the marriages from now until 1955 will involve veterans of World
War II. It is probable that at least eight million veterans will marry by then.
During these years our marriage rate is expected to be the highest in our
history.
For this reason, if for no other, it is pointless to make any special problem
of the veteran, as so many people are trying to do. It is true that war
changes men, but it also changes the girls who stayed at home—and for that
matter the men who happened to stay at home. There is no need to discuss
the question, “Should a girl marry a veteran?” because most girls will marry
veterans anyhow, and there is no reason why they should hesitate.
But what we will do now is point out some of the changes that occurred
while the man was away so that the veteran and the girl can understand
each other better.
In many ways the veteran is a better prospective mate than when he went
away. He may have acquired some good habits in the Army: getting up on
time, taking care of personal belongings, orderliness. His horizon may have
broadened and he may have learned to be more tolerant. He probably has
matured beyond his chronological age. He has learned a great deal about
loyalty to a cause, perseverance and patience, all of which will help make
him a better mate. Often he has achieved a needed emotional independence
from home and mother. He has become practical and very realistic.
Most important of all, perhaps, he learned while away to appreciate the
value of marriage and the home. He yearns more than anything to settle
down in some quiet place with a nice girl and raise a family. He has had
enough running around and being at loose ends.

The veteran, of course, has lost and gained certain skills, he may seem
crude and he may appear to have lower ideals and standards. He worries a
great deal about the future, is somewhat unsure of himself in some civilian
situations. Ernie Pyle the late, famed war correspondent pointed out some
of these changes when he wrote:
Our men can’t make the change from normal civilians into warriors
and remain the same people. Even if they were away from you under
normal circumstances ... they would not come home just as you knew
them.... They are bound to be different people from those you sent
away.... They are rougher.... Killing is a rough business.... Language has
changed from mere profanity to obscenity.... They miss women.... They
expressed longings.... Their whole conduct show their need for female
companionship.... Money value means nothing to them.... A man learns
to get what he needs by “requisitioning.” It isn’t stealing, it’s the only
way to acquire certain things.... War puts old virtues in a changed light.
We shall have to relearn a simple fundamental or two when things get
back to normal.
The standards of fighting men are those of men living without women, of
men who have lost many of the moral values of our normal living. If they
hadn’t lost them they wouldn’t have been good killers. Some of them have
feelings of guilt and remorse from cheap women they have known. Others
are shy and withdrawn because they have had long periods of isolation
away from women.
As a result of the war many veterans have open or subconscious conflicts
involving weakened morals, shattered values, duties to others, “debt” the
government owes them, opportunities they have missed, war injuries or
handicaps they incurred. They are bothered about whether to return to
school ... whether to go back to the “old” sweetheart ... whether to remain in
the Army. Some have feelings of inferiority as they try to make their way
into a strange world or return to an almost forgotten world. In the Army or
Navy they learned to let others take the responsibilities and the initiative.
They made fun of the “eager beavers” and learned to regard “goldbricking”
(evading hard work) as a virtue. But in civilian life, ambition and hard work
are two of the great virtues.

In addition to all these issues to worry them, they face the job of deciding
what to do. In one survey of soldiers, about seven per cent said they would
return to school on a full-time schedule with or without government aid.
Another twenty-eight per cent said they would go back to school if
government aid was provided. That makes thirty-five per cent who hope to
go to school. (But many of them probably won’t.) Most of these hoping to
return were under twenty-five. About half of all the men hoped to return to
their old job or to a new job in their same community.
The average veteran has four alternatives of action: He can go back to
school; he can go back to his old or a similar job; he can go into a job for
the first time; he can select a new field of work. Most of them want a
vacation, a wife, and a job, though not necessarily in that order.
Some of the men will have feelings of insecurity. Some of them have
never worked before. They are asking themselves: Can I get a job? Will my
old job be waiting for me? (This particularly disturbs men who are being
released relatively late.) Is my girl going to marry me? Was she loyal to me
while I was gone?
If you are a girl considering the possibility of marrying a veteran, here
are thoughts you might keep in mind.
—You must assume he is a normal person and treat him like one.
Even if he doesn’t seem to be he should make the adjustment to civilian
life within a few months.
—Don’t confess any “misdeeds” of your own—they will only upset
him and add nothing either to the present adjustment or future
happiness.
—Talk out your problem, your futures, carefully and in detail. This
will help both of you be sure of the responsibilities you face in marriage
and will cause both of you to plan systematically and not haphazardly
about the future.
—If you agree to marry, go ahead and be married in church with a
conventional ceremony with all the trimmings. Unless he is terribly
opposed, don’t be contented with less than a church or home wedding
with the friends and families of both present. Studies have shown that

marriages that took place within the sanctity of the church tend to be
happier than those that do not.
—In dealing with him during the first few weeks don’t tell him what
to do or where to go. Make him feel relaxed, encourage him to wait on
you, make him feel useful.
If you are a returning veteran you should accept the fact that you are
going to find your girls different from when you left. And it won’t be all
aging. They have been working in greater numbers than ever before and on
the surface are more independent. In spite of this, remember that girls want
to be treated gently and considerately. They still love soft lights and sweet
music, they want to hear your compliments, they want that tender good-
night kiss if they like you, and that romantic conversational interplay.
You must not forget that you have been away a long time. You may find
your feminine psychology rusty. Girls are still soft and sentimental, still
wanting to be made love to, still wanting to marry and make homes and
have your children. Don’t let the inhumanity of war make you cynical. Such
an attitude would keep you from finding the mate with whom you can be
happy.
Will you pick your mate or will she pick you? Because of the surplus of
women over men now you can do the picking. You don’t have as much
ground for wondering whether you will marry as the girls do. But will you
pick your own mate? Probably not. It has been said: “A man rushes after a
woman until she catches him.”
Actually, picking a mate nowadays is a mutual process; both of you pick
each other. It is a complicated process and probably neither of you knows
quite what is going on. Part of the time one of you may be more aware of
what is going on than the other; part of the time neither of you is sure.
What kind of a mate should you look for? These things have been
covered in detail in previous chapters. However here are a few thoughts that
take on particular pertinence when applied to veterans. Ask yourself:
Will she make me a good wife? Can she cook, sew, run a home? Is she
the sort of girl I would like to have as a mother of my children? Will she
wear well? Don’t pick her just because she is glamorous because glamour
and good looks are largely cosmetic processes anyway. Is she selfish or is

she considerate of me and my well-being? What are her good traits? What
are her poor traits?
Don’t marry a girl who has traits that are opposite of your own unless she
is opposite only in good traits which you lack. For example, if your own
parents were unhappily married, pick a girl whose parents were happily
married. If you feel unsure of yourself, pick a reliant, confident girl. If you
are quite irritable, be sure to get a mate who is definitely tranquil.
What about the men who have been physically or mentally hurt by the
war? Should a girl shun a man who has a war injury?
In World War II, which lasted some forty-four months, casualties of one
sort or another exceeded one million men, with nearly three hundred
thousand lives lost and with fifteen thousand veterans losing an arm or leg
or more members of his body.
To learn how girls would feel toward marrying injured men, the senior
author asked five hundred girls whether they would marry veterans with
any of thirty-three different types of war injuries. The injuries included such
things as loss of speech, loss of two eyes, complete deafness, recurrent
malaria, loss of hair and eyebrows due to burns, several fingers missing,
injuries to head including replaced nose, ear, teeth and jaw. Many of the
girls queried were engaged to servicemen.
It was interesting to note that older girls showed a greater willingness to
marry injured men than the younger girls. This may be due to the fact that
the older girls are more concerned about their chances of marrying. Also,
engaged girls showed a greater willingness than unengaged girls. The
reason for this may be that engaged girls know the capabilities of their
fiancés and can see how their men could be successful at a job and marriage
in spite of an injury.
Of the thirty-three injuries, only four were checked by the majority of
engaged girls as serious enough to impel them to withdraw from their
engagements. Those four, in order were:

Impotence
Loss of both arms in such a way that they can’t be replaced with
artificial arms

Mental unbalance requiring institutional confinement for several
months or longer
Loss of both legs so that they are not replaceable.

While, as you notice, these fiancées felt extremely reluctant to marry a
man who had lost his sexual potency, only a small proportion (16%) would
refuse to marry an ex-soldier who had become sterile. Inasmuch as most of
the engaged girls would not marry a man who had become sexually
impotent it is clearly evident that sexual activity is regarded in a far
different light than having children. Most of the girls would marry if they
could have sex even though there were no possibility of conceiving
children.
When the unengaged girls were queried, eight injuries were listed by the
majority, including the four mentioned by the engaged girls. The additional
four were:

Loss of speech
Loss of one leg and one arm, when neither is replaceable
General permanent bad health
Mental instability that requires no institutionalizing.

It was interesting to note that neither group showed a majority opposing
blindness. Also, note that these girls listed loss of limbs only where they
were not replaceable. Most girls professed willingness to marry men if their
lost limbs could be replaced by artificial ones. All of the girls seem to have
been deeply impressed by the progress made in rehabilitating the injured.
Many had seen the amazing results with their own eyes and so had lost their
fears about marrying men with such injuries.
Probably seventy-five thousand returning veterans may have hearing
impairments. But with hearing aids or lip-reading, most of these men can be
fairly normal within a few months.
Even though a girl hesitates about marrying an impotent man, much of
impotence is psychologically caused and if so is curable. Furthermore the
newer sex hormones science has discovered are wonder workers.
Here are a couple of precautions that should be observed in marriages
involving injured men:

—No girl should marry a veteran because of pity. It should be for
love.
—No veteran should hesitate to marry just because he has a defect,
providing the two love each other, one of them (preferably he) can make
a living, and providing they have discussed the handicap and both
understand its nature and limitations.
—They should give themselves a waiting period, just as any other
two people who have been separated should do, for say six months
before marrying.
—Remember that few people are one hundred per cent perfect
physically. Under usual conditions, eighteen per cent of our working
population has a definite physical defect or chronic disease. Of our war
handicapped, it is believed that some eighty per cent can be placed, by
careful selection of jobs, in work where they can be happy and just as
productive in that particular job as they would be without the handicap.
Another twelve or thirteen per cent will need rehabilitation before such
placement can be made. Another five per cent will need extensive
rehabilitation and even then will have to be placed in “sheltered” work.
What about the psychological casualties of war? Here we do have a real
problem. Before the end of the war a third of the Army’s discharges were
psychoneurotic cases of one form or another. But you should also remember
that about one-sixth of the men rejected by the draft, the 4-F’s, were
rejected for neuropsychiatric reasons. The fact is that close to one-fourth of
all the single men in this country are maladjusted to some extent. This helps
explain the terrific rise in the rate of divorce.
Psychoneurosis is a broad term covering “combat fatigue,” “war nerves,”
ulcers and other psychosomatic disturbances. In World War I it was
misleadingly referred to as “shell shock.” Don’t feel there is something
lacking in a veteran who suffered a psychological breakdown because the
facts show that unskilled “bad eggs” are less likely to break down than the
men who had good records in clerical or skilled jobs in civilian life and
were exemplary in their military conduct. Some of the factors producing
breakdown in war service were long-continued tension, repeated

expectancy of injury or death, terrifying experiences, loss of comrades in
war from battle, excessive physical fatigue, insufficient sleep.
Perhaps it would help you to understand the psychoneurotic if we
explained just how these breakdowns occur. Try to bear in mind that all of
us have a breaking point, which varies from person to person. This breaking
point is a “frustration climax” and is reached whenever the person has so
many frustrations piled on him that he can no longer endure them. The
ability to take it is frustration tolerance. Any one of us can break if the
frustrations are intense enough and long continued. So when the soldier
breaks, it simply means that his frustrations have been more than he can
bear. It is nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to be hidden. In a war the
soldier is constantly exposed to the threat of death, and never seeing his
loved ones again. But in civilian life, death does not constantly threaten him
and normally he is not so beset by frustrations.
Immediately after the 1918 Armistice was signed, thousands of soldiers
who seemed to be neurotic, shellshocked, etc., recovered very quickly.
Why? Because their lives were no longer threatened, they could return
home and were relieved from the noise of battle and the emotional
upheavals of seeing comrades shot down.
What does all this tell you? Simply this. When such a veteran comes
home he may seem strange and nervous. He may be cynical about girls and
disgusted with things in general. He may even break out in tears
occasionally and will gripe a great deal. But he usually will return to normal
soon. It may take a month, three months, even six months. If you are his girl
just be patient. Don’t make him talk, don’t ask him for harrowing details of
battle. Encourage him to get plenty to eat, sleep and rest. Don’t drag him
around and show him off. Give him lots of love and affection. Keep him
busy and occupied when he is in the mood. In short, be natural with him,
but don’t pamper him too much or too long.
As for marriage, there is no reason why he shouldn’t marry. He will
usually make a perfectly normal husband if he isn’t exposed to new,
continued frustrations. If he is still unsettled certainly don’t marry yet
because marriage, and the responsibilities marriage involves, will certainly
not help him. The best procedure would be to wait at least six months and
then marry—unless his doctor or psychologist advises against it.

Chapter XVIII
So You Agree to Marry: What Next?
We presume there are still young men who get down on their knees and
make formal proposals but we aren’t personally acquainted with them. The
average couple today goes about it more casually. In the course of a
conversation they may discuss marriage and find that both like the idea.
Perhaps the old way was better. At least it was clear-cut. Nowadays a girl
often cannot be quite sure whether she is engaged or not. The young man
may talk good-naturedly about “When we get married” or may give her his
wings or fraternity pin without exactly explaining what the symbol is to
mean. Most girls tell us they have been engaged two or three times. Perhaps
this vagueness is one reason why they fall in and out of engagements.
When is a couple engaged? According to our thinking, two people are not
engaged until they definitely agree that they want to marry each other ... not
until they inform their friends and if possible their respective parents that
they intend to marry ... and not until the man gives the girl some symbol to
display that will tell the world she is engaged and off the marriage market.
Four out of five men who become definitely engaged give their fiancées
an engagement ring and that is probably most practical because a ring has
been the one accepted, universal symbol of betrothal for more than twenty-
five hundred years. Originally the symbolism was less subtle. The ring
originated in the days of marriage by capture when the ankles or wrist of
the girl were bound with sweetgrass. As the bindings became purely
symbolic only the finger was tied up, with an engagement ring. If you
decide on a diamond ring (and more than three-fourths of couples do) they
range in price from a few dollars to many thousands of dollars. According

to one of the women’s magazines, more than half the engaged girls get
diamond rings costing about fifty dollars.
Whatever the symbol adopted, it should serve the purpose of taking the
couple “out of circulation” and to provide exclusiveness for each other. That
is one of the basic conditions of an engagement. Exceptions can be made if
the man is away for a prolonged period, but as a rule there should be no
extra-curricular dating.
Here are some of the purposes that an engagement should serve in
addition to taking you out of circulation:
—Engagement provides a period of deepening love and affection
during which there is an awakening of sexual feelings which will make
the couple yearn for the full intimacy which marriage permits.
—It serves as a period of planning for the future during which the
two plan when they will be married, the kind of wedding they will have,
where they will honeymoon, the sort of housekeeping arrangement they
will make, where they will live, etc.
—It is a period of personality adjustment, of welding the couple into
a union.
—It is a period of exploring each other’s interests to find what
activities exist that both enjoy and can share.
—It is a time when the wise couple prepares for marriage. The man
gets a job, saves some money. The girl learns and perfects her
homemaking skills in cooking, sewing, and house managing.
—It is a time to decide whether they want children and how many.
—It is a time when antagonistic habits are broken and new habits
which will permit a smoother married adjustment are established.
—It is a time when differences are recognized about religion, about
parents, and solved or compromised.
Because of all these functions, the engagement is a period that
requires time.

The beginning of the war saw a sharp rise in “gangplank” or hasty war
marriages. And the end of the war produced another sharp rise. Thousands
of couples rushed into marriage a few days after the returning veterans got
off the boat. We can appreciate the desire of some long-separated couples to
marry immediately but if they do they are only adding to the inevitable toll
of broken marriages that will result.
Hasty marriages get off to a bad start simply because the engagement
period, which is the period of planning and preparation for marriage, is cut
short.
In one study that was made, forty-seven per cent of the married couples
who had known each other less than six months prior to marriage were
poorly adjusted! Of those who had been acquainted for five years prior to
marriage, less than fifteen per cent were poorly adjusted. Of those who had
known each other less than three years, about thirty-three per cent were
poorly adjusted.
Similarly, about fifty per cent of the couples had a poor adjustment if
they had been engaged less than three months before marriage. In contrast,
less than twenty per cent had poor adjustment when their engagement
period ranged from nine months to two years. And less than ten per cent of
those who had been engaged more than two years were poorly adjusted. In
other words, the prospect of an unhappy marriage clearly decreases as the
length of the engagement increases.
And incidentally the same study showed that couples were more happily
married if both sets of parents approved the marriage. Parents in general are
more likely to approve an orderly marriage than one contracted in haste.
Many hasty marriages are contracted secretly. These take two forms.
First, the elopement, which is characterized by a secret wedding, but not by
a secret marriage. In the second type the couple not only are married
secretly but keep the marriage a secret. All the evidence indicates that either
type is less likely to be happy even than the hasty marriage performed in
public. By their very nature, secret weddings should be avoided by couples.
They rarely take place unless the persons are not sure they are doing the
right thing.

For couples that involve a returning veteran, it is especially important
that they be engaged at least six months after the reunion before marrying.
This time will permit you to become reacquainted, to make up your minds
if you still want to marry each other, and to adjust to the changes you two
have had during your separation. It provides the veteran time to decide what
to do about his career. And it provides him with a chance to get back into
the routine of civilian living before he takes on the responsibilities of
marriage. In the Army or Navy much of his thinking was done for him.
Now he must think for himself and take on responsibilities. The transition
may be relatively short for him if he decides to go back to an old job; it may
be quite long if he elects to continue his vocational preparation.
Sex is a problem during engagement, because it is accepted as a period
for greater intimacy, and properly so. In courtship restrained caressing may
be engaged in without disturbing public morals, but petting as we define it
should wait upon engagement. Our customs permit greater intimacy during
engagement than during courtship but frown upon complete intimacy before
marriage. On the other hand, society relaxes chaperonage of engaged
couples, permits them to keep later hours, to be together for longer periods
of time, perhaps to take trips together. Under such circumstances restraint
must be applied if an engaged couple is to refrain from intercourse.
Fortunately a girl has more inhibitions and thus can apply restraint more
readily. However, if she loves her fiancé deeply she is torn between two
desires: whether to do or not do what she has been taught; or whether to do
or not do what her loved one suggests. If she gives in to him, it is usually
because of the tenderness of her affection rather than because she has great
sexual desire. Each couple should decide what their limits will be and stick
by them. Both should remember that many engagements never result in
marriage.
While an engagement represents an honest declaration of intention by the
two people that they intend to marry, engaged couples should feel that if
there is any question in their mind about the continuance of the engagement
each should feel free to call it quits. They should discuss their
apprehensions frankly. It is far better not to go through with a marriage that
may prove unsuited or unhappy. (However it is foolish, of course, to break
an engagement over a quarrel.) This chance of breaking off is another
reason for a long engagement. The authors feel that everything should be

done to encourage couples to be sure of each other before marriage is
contracted. If couples were trained more for marriage and went through a
longer preparatory period, then the more poorly matched couples would
become aware of the shoals ahead and we would have far fewer broken
marriages in America!
Regardless of how badly it may hurt a mate or parents or friends, you
should never marry a person against your better judgment because wedlock
will only aggravate an unpleasant situation. Nor should you be deterred
from fear that the mate will be so upset emotionally that he will commit a
rash act. Such a fear in itself should be proof that the person is not
emotionally stable and so probably would not make you a good spouse.
(Incidentally, a rash act is exceedingly unlikely.)
One of the questions engaged people frequently ask marriage counselors
is how much of a “past” should be revealed by one mate to the other. One
general principle should be followed completely, namely, that whatever is to
be revealed should be revealed before marriage and not afterward. A second
principle is that lurid confessions of the past do not provide a good basis on
which to begin a marriage. In most cases, we believe, it is wiser for the
young couple not to tell each other things that may build resentment or
distrust or may create hurt or may produce problems outweighing whatever
might be gained through telling. Just because one becomes engaged is no
reason why every skeleton must be rattled. The only thing that a couple
should tell each other are things that would have a bearing on their future
happiness in marriage. Such things as concealed physical defects, previous
marriage, legal embarrassments, debts, etc., should be told because they
will come out sooner or later anyhow. However, if you do feel impelled—
perhaps through feelings of guilt—to reveal disagreeable aspects of your
past, discuss it with some trusted confidant or physician beforehand to
confirm the wisdom of doing so. And when you do make the revelation, do
it casually and without emotion and without making a great fuss over it.
Engagement is a time of growing tolerance and trust and understanding.
Frankness characterizes it and you and your mate should be realistic with
each other in facing your problems. Your major problems deal primarily
with the present and the future rather than with the past. One evidence that
you are trying to solve them is the willingness with which you freely

discuss them with each other, with your parents and with your trusted
confidants.

Chapter XIX
Getting Ready for Married Intimacy
In the course of counseling, one occasionally encounters a couple whose
marriage has not been attended by complete physical intimacy. In one such
case the two people had been married two years. More astounding, neither
of them was aware that complete physical intimacy is quite common among
married couples! Both had been reared in extremely sheltered atmospheres.
The boy was a minister’s son. The girl had been reared by maiden aunts.
They were completely naïve about sexual phenomena and had no
understanding of what was giving them the feelings of frustration from
which they suffered.
How important is sex in marriage? Does it have much to do with the
happiness one derives from marriage? Or is sex merely important in
reproduction?
While sex may not be the most important factor in marriage, it frequently
makes or breaks a marriage. And a satisfying adjustment on the level of
physical love is closely associated with marital happiness. Probably the
most important thing in making a marriage successful is the determination
of both mates to make the marriage work. Companionship and the mutual
working out of problems together are the fruits of happy marriages. But
couples are rarely good companions if they have repressions or fears or
maladjustments which thwart their achieving a satisfying unity on the
physical level.
Some experts have estimated that during the first few years of marriage
nearly half of marriage happiness depends on the sexual adjustment
achieved. This does not seem unreasonable because sex provides the first

rush of desire that launches the marriage and continues to integrate the
couple and bring a sense of harmony to their union.
As the years pass couples achieve an increasingly satisfying adjustment
and the union of their bodies at frequent intervals in climactic pleasure
provides a bond between them. The experience also is important in reducing
the tensions that develop in both mates during the course of their daily
living. These tensions are of many kinds but they include the sexual tension
which results from hormones being poured into the blood streams of both
the man and woman. The exhilarating orgasms that come as a climax in
successful coitus break these tensions and produce satisfying feelings of
relaxation and serenity.
One of the misfortunes of modern marriage is that so many married
couples are not able to achieve a satisfactory sexual adjustment. Studies
have shown that at least a third of all wives rarely experience orgasm and at
least half of all wives do not experience it with any great regularity. The
major reasons for their failure are:
—Most wives are more inhibited and repressed than their husbands.
—Most young wives have less actual sex drive than their husbands.
—The husbands in too many cases are inconsiderate of the wife and
are primarily concerned in achieving satisfaction for themselves.
Too often sex—instead of being a bond—becomes a quarreling point
between the couple. Both are resentful. Such feelings tend to increase
tension rather than reduce it.
Because sex is so vital to the happiness of a marriage, we suggest that
both you and your mate read a good book on sexual adjustment (see
bibliography) so that you will know what to expect and won’t be frightened
by the thought of it.
The girl (and perhaps the man) can learn a great deal by taking up the
matter at length when she goes for a premarital physical examination a
week or so before the wedding. She can ask the physician questions about
sexual matters and clear up any points that trouble her. He can describe for
her the sensations she can expect to experience during the physical
intimacy. At the time of the examination she can also discuss any fears she

has of immediate pregnancy before their marriage has a chance to become
stabilized. He may suggest contraceptive devices or techniques to eliminate
that possibility and may take her pelvic measures to see if the pelvis is too
narrow for normal childbirth. Most engaged couples want to know about
contraception, and the average young doctors and nearly all gynecologists
are well equipped to give such information.
Couples should be careful to thresh out this matter of contraception
before marriage because religion sometimes causes them to have strong—
and dangerous—differences of opinion about it. The problem of whether to
have or not to have children, and when to have children, should definitely
not be left to chance. Most religious leaders are now in agreement on that.
For those couples whose religion forbids contraceptive devices, the rhythm
method can be followed, although this method is not recommended for
couples whose religion permits them to use other methods.
Another thing the bride-to-be may discuss with the doctor is her hymen,
which is the traditional mark of a virgin since it stretches across the
entrance to her vagina. (Incidentally, the absence of the hymen as an
obstacle is no evidence of non-virginity since it can be disrupted in
childhood without the girl’s knowledge or through medical examinations.)
If it is so thick that discomfort may be experienced during first intercourse
or if it prevents intercourse entirely, the doctor may prescribe a simple
treatment.
All couples entering marriage should understand that intercourse is not
something people do by instinct but is a learned procedure and that it takes
about three to six months for the typical couple to work out a thoroughly
satisfying adjustment. Many brides have all sorts of baseless fears that must
be dispelled.
There are three distinct phases to a sexual experience between a man and
woman and many of the difficulties arise because the man slights phases
one and three.
The first phase is that of arousal. The husband and wife caress each other
and become physically and psychologically ready for a merging of their
bodies. This first phase should not be hurried. It is especially important that
the husband remember this because a woman’s passion arouses much more
slowly than a man’s, particularly during the first few years of married life.

By allowing plenty of time for the woman, the couple can help equalize
their differences in sex drive. The presence of erect nipples is an indication
that the woman is becoming aroused and may be receptive to further
advances.
Phase two is the actual coitus. In the early days of marriage this should
be engaged in gently. Later both may be able to enjoy the tumultuous vigor
of unrestrained physical intimacy. The husband should not forget during
intercourse to tell his wife how much he loves her, how wonderful he thinks
she is, how much delight she is bringing him. Nor should the wife feel
hesitant or bashful about doing likewise. If either can make suggestions to
the other that will lead to greater enjoyment, both should feel free to do so.
It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that husband and
wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the exquisite pleasure
that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can bring them.
In many cases (unfortunately) the husband, because of strain and fatigue,
will arrive at his orgasm almost immediately. The average couple, after
some experience, find that actual intercourse usually lasts about five to ten
minutes. Some wives require ten minutes or fifteen minutes before they are
able to achieve orgasm. Some men, perhaps one in seven, are unable to hold
back ejaculation for more than two or three minutes. All couples can bring
their orgasms closer to each other if they will try to accommodate
themselves to each other. The ideal is for both man and wife to have orgasm
simultaneously.
Orgasm for a man comes with the flooding or ejaculation of seminal
fluid. For the woman, orgasm is marked by the sudden relaxation of the
muscles in her genital region. It is accompanied by a feeling of great
tension reduction as well as great pleasure.
Now we come to phase three, which should not be slighted. It is a sort of
postlude, an after the storm. The average wife derives exquisite pleasure
from feeling herself and her husband relaxing. Further, in this phase the
wife wants to be held closely by her husband and to be told that he loves
her. She wants to be made to feel that he loves her for what she is, all the
qualities that she has, all the traits that she possesses, and not alone for the
sexual thrill that she has just given him. We might give the husband a
practical suggestion at this point by telling him this. If his wife is slow in

reaching an orgasm he can help her to reach orgasm more rapidly by
making this postlude just as delightful for her as possible by being tender
and romantic. Without realizing what is happening she will strive to achieve
orgasm for the pleasure she derives from his deep and sincere appreciation
that comes afterward.
Most young wives do not have an orgasm in the early days of marriage
and so should not be distressed if they do not experience it on the wedding
night. In Terman’s study of several hundred wives, less than twenty-five per
cent stated they had orgasm at first intercourse. Another twenty-five per
cent said they experienced it within a few days or weeks. Another twenty-
five per cent roughly stated that they experienced it sometime between the
first month of marriage and the twelfth month. And the remaining wives
said they had either never experienced it or did not experience it until one
or more years after marriage.
In scoring these same women on their marriage happiness, Terman found
that those women who did not experience orgasm within the first year were
significantly less happy in marriage than those who had been able to
achieve it within the first year. More than half of the happiest husbands and
wives seemed to be those in marriages where the wife had orgasm within
the first few months of marriage.
It should be remembered however that the presence or absence of orgasm
is not necessarily a criterion of marriage happiness or unhappiness. While
absence of it is clearly an obstacle for many couples it is not a major cause
of unhappiness in marriage, providing that it does occur within the first
year. The happiest couples seem to be those where there is complete or
fairly complete tension reduction experienced in intercourse whether an
orgasm occurs or not.
What are the obstacles to happiness as far as sex is concerned? Terman
found that many unhappy husbands complained most frequently about such
things as these:

Wife shows too little enthusiasm.
Wife can not regularly reach an orgasm or is slow in reaching it.
Wife desires intercourse too rarely.
Wife not physiologically ready for intercourse.

Wife has too little regard for the husband’s satisfaction.
Wife does not express enough tenderness and consideration.

It was found that unhappy wives complained about such things as these:

Husband has orgasm too quickly.
Husband desires intercourse too frequently (or too rarely).
Husband wants to go to sleep or get up too soon after the climax.
Husband shows too little enthusiasm.
Husband does not caress affectionately during the preliminary phase.
Husband expresses too little tenderness.

If you wonder about the importance of physical love in marriage you
might remember that very few husbands and wives are unfaithful to each
other if their passions are satisfied and if mates are considerate of each
other’s needs. The Marriage Counseling Service at Penn State has not found
a single case of separation or divorce among couples who have achieved
and maintained sexual harmony since the early weeks of their marriage.

Chapter XX
Getting Off to a Good Start
Marriage is a plunge, no matter how carefully it is planned. The man takes
on the responsibility of supporting someone besides himself for the rest of
his life. The girl gives up her name, her independence of action, and usually
her career. Both mates must adjust themselves to an entirely new existence.
The pattern of wedded relationship that will persist for the rest of your
married life usually sets during the first few months. Every day you will
take first steps. And those steps are important. You start living together,
planning together and sleeping together. At a hundred points you can make
missteps that will leave scars on your relationship long after the original
incidents are forgotten. That’s why the first few months are so important.
For a girl, the wedding day will undoubtedly be the biggest day she will
experience in her life. Because of this the groom should hesitate before he
discourages a church wedding or suggests that they be married by some
roadside justice of the peace. While being married in the church is not
necessary for marriage happiness, it has been found that those couples who
are serious-minded are more likely to achieve happiness if their wedding is
under the auspices of the church. Then it is planned, it is dignified, and the
vows—which seem to take on added meaning in a church—are uttered
before friends and relatives.
The bride should have the privilege of setting the date of the wedding. In
doing this she should try to set the date so that it will follow a few days
after the menstrual period has ended. She does that not only because of
anticipated physical intimacies, but because the menstrual period frequently
makes a girl irritable and depressed—hardly the best mood for a
honeymoon.

In planning the wedding and the honeymoon it is important to avoid all
situations that might produce tension and worry, and especially the feeling
of “hurrying somewhere.”
If you can manage a honeymoon, take it by all means. It doesn’t need to
involve a long trip or staying at an expensive resort. Here are some
suggestions on the site of the honeymoon that may be helpful:
It should not be spent with friends or relatives.
It should be spent at a place where the couple is not well known.
It is better to spend it in the country or a small town rather than in a
bustling metropolis.
It should be spent where there will be no obligations to attend social
functions or to meet definite schedules.
It should be spent where both will be completely free of outside
responsibilities, such as cooking their own food so there will be no limit on
the time they can be together.
It should be spent where there are things to do and activities to enjoy
whenever they feel in the mood for such diversions.
The first adjustment faced by the typical married couple is sexual, for the
typical couple engages in sexual intercourse on that first night. If they have
discussed their attitudes on sex before the wedding they have paved the
way. Nevertheless many couples feel self-conscious on their honeymoon
night. Perhaps they would be even more self-conscious if they realized that
marriage happiness during their first few years will depend a great deal on
achieving a good sexual adjustment.
Often a husband can make that first night easier for a wife if he finds an
errand to perform while his bride is preparing to retire. He may even
suggest to her that he will be gone for fifteen or twenty minutes, which will
give her a chance to be in bed when he returns. However if she seems eager
for him to remain he should do so because she may be a little fearful of
being left alone. In any case it is important that both respect each other’s
privacy especially carefully during the first few weeks. Marriage, as we say,
is an abrupt step and each should strive to ease the impact of the transition
as much as possible.

If the new husband is ever romantic it should be now! The bride is
probably a bit nervous about what is to follow and this can be largely
dissipated if the groom is gallant and endearing and considerate. This is not
only the decent thing to do but is sound psychology. It will build up in her a
feeling of pride in him and a desire to share with him everything possible.
Actual intercourse should not be launched on that first night if the
passions of both are not genuinely aroused. It is important that both the
bride and groom be completely agreeable before the first intimacy is
experienced. If the bride remains apprehensive about it they should content
themselves with milder intimacies and take up the matter another night.
They should not feel there is some hard-and-fast tradition that they must
have an experience that first night.
If the bride is a virgin and still possesses the impediment of one, both
should understand that some pain will be experienced during the first
intercourse and neither may achieve a climax.
Further, both should understand that sexual adjustment is learned, not
inherited. The initial learning may be somewhat awkward and not too
satisfying. It’s not a natural, spontaneous thing, contrary to the average
young person’s notions. It is this misconception that frightens many brides
into frigidity when they find intimacy doesn’t come naturally to them
immediately. Many feel that there must be something wrong with
themselves when they don’t enjoy it from the start.
But if they are patient and gentle with each other within a few weeks they
should sense the deep thrills that lie in store for them. And within six
months at most, they should have achieved a grand and satisfying
relationship.
If they are to achieve anything beyond animalistic excitement, the aim of
both the man and girl should be not to receive satisfaction but to give
satisfaction. It is this considerateness that makes the act sublime and
enriching. It welds them into a strong union.
As the honeymoon progresses, something usually happens toward the
end that jolts the couple back to reality. For the first time, perhaps
unconsciously, the groom starts acting like a husband or the bride like a
wife. Usually it is the groom. Perhaps he forgets to kiss his bride when he

leaves her for a few hours. Perhaps she catches him thinking of something
else while she is confiding her love. Or perhaps he just refuses to get up and
look at the gorgeous sunrise that is thrilling her.
This little “baptism” comes sooner or later and brides should prepare
themselves for it. It signifies that the honeymoon is just about over and that
they are returning to the day-to-day job of living together as two human
beings. The bride may feel let down or heartsick. She may even cry a little
or flare up and upbraid him. Or worse she may retreat into her shell. If she
fails to handle the incident calmly and retain her sense of proportion she
may develop an attitude that will get them off to a bad start.
As they get down to the day-to-day job of adjusting themselves to
married life the wife will find that the major burden of the adjusting falls on
her. That is because the woman normally must rearrange her life, upon
marriage, more than the man, despite the fact that they are partners. For
example:
He stays in the same community whereas she often must leave hers, and
her friends, to live with him.
He keeps his name whereas she drops hers to take his, with a “Mrs.” in
front of it.
He keeps his job whereas she usually quits hers to learn an entirely new
occupation—homemaking.
He continues to make his own money whereas she becomes dependent
upon him even for spending money.
He lives the role of husband an hour in the morning and a few hours in
the evening whereas she spends fifteen hours a day functioning as a wife.
He continues spending the greatest part of his energy trying to please his
boss, whereas she starts devoting her energy to winning her husband’s
approval—approval for the way she cooks, dresses, runs the home, takes
care of the children, if they have them. Normally the wife spends at least
eighty per cent of the husband’s income on such things as these and
naturally is anxious to convince him she is using his money wisely.
What adjustments must two people make in their attitude toward each
other in order to live together happily?

If you were to accept the word of certain newspaper “experts” on love
and marriage, you might get the impression that all the new husband need
do to make his wife happy is not to smoke in bed, to pick up his own
clothes, and to wash off the bathtub ring. Likewise it would seem that all
the new wife has to do is remove her lipstick before retiring and avoid
talking to him before he has had his breakfast.
Marriage would be simple if those sorts of things were the essentials of
marriage adjustment. Actually the essentials are much more basic.
For two people to live together successfully as husband and wife they
must be able to understand each other as only true companions can.
They must recognize the needs of each other and be willing to coöperate
to satisfy them. Perhaps the girl is easily upset emotionally and needs her
husband’s calm disposition to steady her. Or perhaps he has feelings of
inferiority which she can offset by building up his ego.
And they must be able to face the facts when differences arise (as over
money), and be able to work out amicable solutions together. Mates who
haven’t learned to compromise differences face a stormy future.
If you want your mate to be eager to please you instead of ignoring or
defying you, learn to condition him by rewarding him with praise and
caresses. When the husband does something that displeases a wife she must
never reward him. Likewise, for example, if the wife wants a new dress
which is too expensive and the husband tries to make it clear to her that he
cannot afford it, and she has a temper tantrum, he should not give in and
buy the dress. In this case, the husband would reward her temper tantrum.
Let this happen two or three times and thereafter she will use a tantrum to
get the things she wants from him. She knows he hates such scenes and will
give in. It will be much better psychologically if the much-desired dress can
be given to her as a reward for something nice she has done.
While a husband or wife wants to feel that things are done out of love
and for love only, the fact remains that love continues only if it is
nourished. If a husband snarls at his wife, never gives her a kind word,
never rewards her and is always condemning or punishing her, the day will
come when she will absolutely despise him.

There is such a thing as deathless love, but it exists only when it has a
firm foundation of considerateness between the two.
Another thing newly-weds should learn is the importance of tension
reduction. The husband may come home from the office and lash out at the
wife because supper is a little late. What has happened, probably, is that he
had some disagreeable experience at his work but had to keep his temper
under check there. He comes home seething and explodes at the first
provocation. The young wife may retreat to her room crying unless she
senses the real reason for his anger. Instead she should recognize that he is
tied up in nervous knots, take his outburst philosophically and try to reduce
the tension by caressing him, by talking cheerfully and complimenting him
on something nice or laudable he has done.
By so doing, she brings pleasantness after unpleasantness and thus
encourages him to bring his troubles to her rather than to his male cronies
or to some other woman.
Married couples should also understand the importance of climactic
sexual relations as a means of reducing tension.
Another psychological habit that should be helpful to newly-weds is the
use of indirect methods to get what they want. You will have a happier,
more loyal mate if you can get him to do things you want by making
suggestions rather than demands. If the lawn needs mowing just mention
how ragged the grass is getting. Usually he will then mow it on his own
initiative.
On the practical side, it is very helpful if the two can work out some plan
for handling the income during the early weeks of marriage so that they can
see just where the money goes. A simplified but formal budget is helpful
here.
Further, it is vital that the wife quickly acquire skill in managing the
home so that the husband will be initiated pleasantly into the role of being a
home-body. A messy home frequently produces irritations which disrupt
cordial relations between the two mates.
The new wife should plan her housework so that the tasks fit into a
pattern and are taken care of in order and at specific times. For example,
Monday may be “wash day”; Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday may be

“shopping days”; Wednesday may be “ironing day”; Saturday morning may
be baking day. This really amounts to a budget of her time and her work.
If they are to five happily ever after it is important that the wife know her
husband’s food likes and dislikes. The importance of food to marriage
success is frequently misunderstood by newly-weds, and highly underrated.
A large portion of the husbands who take their troubles to the Penn State
marriage clinic disclose sooner or later that their wives are poor cooks or
serve them late, slapped-together meals.
When a husband comes home tired and harassed from his day’s work,
nothing will restore him to a genial mood as much as his favorite dishes of
food, expertly prepared and served soon after he arrives.
During the first few weeks of married life the wife should make an effort
to learn something about her husband’s food likes and dislikes. Some of this
should already have been gathered by observation during courtship and the
honeymoon by noting the foods that he chose in a restaurant.
Simply knowing the husband’s favorite dishes is not enough. The new
husband may not throw the first batch of burned biscuits at his wife, but if
the next batch is burned too he is apt at least to throw some caustic
comments.
Soon after the honeymoon there will come a time when one or both of
the mates may no longer be satisfied just to be with each other. They will
become more independent of each other unless during the first few months
of marriage they have explored each other’s interests and found things they
can do together.
If he is to become anything more than the provider and she anything
more than the housekeeper, they must establish a sound basis for
companionship. How can this be done? The essentials of human
companionship are pretty universal for any two people whether they are
mates or just close friends. Comrades most frequently have these things in
common:
They enjoy talking to each other. Mates should not feel they have
completely succeeded as partners until each regards the other as the one
person he or she can unburden himself to about anything that is on his
mind. Each can help develop a strong feeling of “conversational

companionship” in their union by being a ready and sympathetic listener to
the thoughts that are uppermost in the other’s mind. Both should realize that
a woman’s interests naturally are different from a man’s. After their own
immediate preoccupations of the day, a woman’s interests tend more toward
clothes, decorations and amusements whereas the man is more interested in
money, world affairs and sports. A good middle ground is their mutual
interests and hobbies and the activities of their mutual acquaintances.
Companions enjoy doing things together. One of the first things newly-
weds should investigate, if they haven’t already, are the things they can do
peaceably and enjoyably together. Perhaps both get a great deal of pleasure
from listening to early jazz recordings, or skiing, or merely playing chess or
being together every night and saying very little.
Visiting friends can be fun where the two husbands are congenial and the
two wives are fond of each other. One of the sad things about marriage is
that a bride’s best friend marries a man whom her husband can’t stand; or
the man’s old roommate marries a flighty, affected girl the wife can’t stand.
Such antagonisms should be sensed and the bride and groom should in such
cases try to get together with their old friends on an individual rather than a
family basis.
Companions respect each other’s opinions and abilities. The shrewd wife
keeps up with the world so that her husband will respect her as an
individual in her own right. Wives that become completely dependent on
their husbands, and cling to them because they have no other interest,
frequently lose the respect of their husband.
It helps if they are seeking a common goal. One of the very best ways
there is for a couple to develop a strong basis for companionship is to have
common aspirations which both believe in and talk about enthusiastically.
This means sharing in a long-range project. They map their plans
together and carry them through. They share triumphs and disappointments.
They may build or remodel a home for themselves. In the process of
planning, waiting and dreaming together they become comrades for life.
While it may be argued that building or buying a home is more expensive
in the long run than renting, nothing gives a couple a greater feeling of

solidarity than home ownership, especially when they plan together in
building, remodeling or furnishing it.
Even saving money can be a common goal that will develop
companionship, especially if the couple are saving the money for something
they both want badly such as a car or a long-dreamed-of vacation trip. In
general a young couple earning between eighteen hundred and three
thousand dollars a year can well aim to save at least five per cent and better
still ten per cent of the income. If they strive for a percentage much higher
than that they may find it entails too great a denial.
Similarly the goal of a couple may be to raise a large happy family. They
plan the arrival of their children and, working as a team, guide the growth
and development of each child.

After Thoughts
By now we hope we have helped you clarify in your mind the kind of
mate you want—and need. We have raised a good many thoughts you
should bear in mind in selecting your mate. It is doubtful that you—or
anyone—will find a mate who fits letter perfect into all the qualifications
we have mentioned in the course of the book as desirable in mates, but that
is not important. What is important is that your mate should fit into the
general pattern of the kind of person you need, and should be free from the
really serious short-comings we have mentioned.
Perhaps the most important single thought we can leave with you is that
the person you marry should be one who will give you a sense of well-
being. Marriage to this person should end your vague feelings of
restlessness.
We know a young married couple who have “everything.” They live in a
well-to-do suburb, belong to a country club and are not “tied down” by
children. They go to many parties and on week-end excursions and eat out
whenever they feel like it. Yet they go about their rush of activities with the
bored futility of a dog chasing his own tail.
And we know another couple who are the kind some people would feel
sorry for. They have four whooping youngsters that virtually pin them to the
homestead and make outside social life impossible. They must fight a
constant battle with living costs to get ahead financially. During most of
their free moments they must work about their house, upholstering
furniture, fixing leaking faucets or hanging storm windows.
Yet these two mates are immensely happy in marriage. They have a sense
of purpose in life—a sense of well-being. They are so glad they are married
to each other that they can shrug off the many irritations that beset them as

unimportant. Both of them would confide to you that marriage is a
wonderful, enriching experience.

Appendix A
Books You May Wish to Read
I. ADJUSTMENT OF THE VETERAN (In and after war).
1. Anon., Psychology for the Fighting Man. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1943.
2. Boring, Edwin G. (editor), Psychology for the Armed Services. Washington: Infantry
Journal, 1945.
3. Child, Irvin L., and Van de Water, Marjorie (editors), Psychology for the Returning
Serviceman. Washington: Infantry Journal, 1945.
4. Pratt, George K., Soldier to Civilian. New York: Whittlesey House. McGraw-Hill,
1944.
5. Redmond, Catherine, Handbook for Army Wives and Mothers. Washington: Infantry
Journal, 1944.
6. Stevenson, Eleanor, and Martin, Pete, I Knew Your Soldier. Washington: Infantry
Journal, 1945.
II. BASIC RESEARCH IN MARRIAGE (Technical research studies).
1. Burgess, E. W., and Cottrell, L. S., Predicting Success or Failure in Marriage. New
York: Prentice-Hall, 1939.
2. Davis, Katharine B., Factors in the Sex Life of Twenty-two Hundred Women. New York:
Harper and Brothers, 1929.
3. Dickinson, R. L., and Beam, Lura, A Thousand Marriages. Baltimore: Williams and
Wilkins, 1931.
4. Hamilton, G. V., A Research in Marriage. New York: Albert and Charles Boni, 1929.
5. Terman, Lewis M., Psychological Factors in Marital Happiness. New York: McGraw-
Hill, 1938.
III. CONTRACEPTION AND FAMILY SPACING (Birth control).
1. Cooper, James F., Technique of Contraception. New York: Day-Nichols, 1928.
2. Dickinson, Robert L., Control of Conception. 2nd edition. Baltimore: Williams and
Wilkins, 1938.
3. Latz, Leo J., The Rhythm of Sterility and Fertility in Women. 5th edition. Chicago: Latz
Foundation, 1935. (Recommended to Catholics.)
4. Welton, T. S., Modern Method of Birth Control. New York: Walker J. Black, 1935.

IV. FAMILY AND MARRIAGE PROBLEMS.
1. Baber, R. E., Marriage and the Family. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co., 1939.
2. Drummond, Laura W., Youth and Instruction in Marriage and Family Living. New
York: Teachers College, Columbia University, 1942.
3. Goldstein, Sidney E., Marriage and Family Counseling. New York: McGraw-Hill,
1945.
4. Groves, Ernest R., Conserving Marriage and the Family. New York: Macmillan, 1944.
5. Groves, Gladys Hoagland, Marriage and Family Life. New York: Houghton Mifflin,
1942.
6. Hill, Reuben, and Becker, Howard (editors), Marriage and the Family. Boston: D. C.
Heath, 1942.
7. Mowrer, H. R., Personality Adjustment and Domestic Discord. New York: American,
1935.
8. Nimkoff, M. F., The Family. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1934.
9. Burgess, Ernest W. and Locke, Harvey J., The Family. New York: American Book
Company, 1945.
V. GETTING ALONG WITH PEOPLE (Improving personality).
1. Laird, Donald A., and Laird, Eleanor C., The Technique of Handling People. New
York: McGraw-Hill, 1943.
2. Lockhart, Earl G., Improving Your Personality. Chicago: Walton Publishing Co.,
1939.
3. Morgan, John B., and Webb, Ewing T., Making the Most of Your Life. Garden City,
1932.
4. Myers, Garry C., The Modern Parent. New York: Greenberg, 1930.
5. Newton, Roy, How to Improve Your Personality. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
6. Webb, E. T., and Morgan, John J. B., Strategy in Handling People. Chicago: Boulton
Pierce, 1930.
7. White, Wendell, The Psychology of Dealing with People. Revised. New York:
Macmillan, 1941.
VI. INTERPRETATION OF MARRIAGE STUDIES (Not too technical).
1. Hamilton, G. V., and MacGowan, Kenneth, What Is Wrong with Marriage. New York:
Albert and Charles Boni, Inc., 1929. (This is a popular treatment of Hamilton’s A
Research in Marriage.)
2. Hart, Hornell, and Hart, Ella B., Personality and the Family. New York: D. C.
Heath, 1941.
VII. MALADJUSTMENT AND NEUROTICISM (Mental hygiene).
1. Crow, Lester D., and Crow, Alice, Mental Hygiene in School and Home Life. New
York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
2. Fink, David H., Release from Nervous Tension. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1943.
3. Louttit, C. M., Clinical Psychology. New York: Harper and Brothers, 1936.

4. Shaffer, Laurance F., The Psychology of Adjustment. New York: Houghton Mifflin,
1936.
5. Solomon, Harry C., and Yakovlev, Paul I. (editors), Manual of Military
Neuropsychiatry. Philadelphia: W. B. Saunders, 1944.
VIII. PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE (Easy to read and popular).
1. Bowman, Henry A., Marriage for Moderns. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1942.
2. Folsom, Joseph K., Plan for Marriage. New York: Harper and Brothers, 1938.
3. Foster, Robert G., Marriage and Family Relationships. New York: Macmillan
Company, 1944.
4. Groves, Ernest R., Marriage. New York: Henry Holt, 1941.
5. Himes, Norman E., Your Marriage. New York: Farrar and Rinehart, 1940.
6. Jordan, Helen Mougey, You and Marriage. New York: John Wiley and Sons, 1942.
7. Jung, Moses (editor), Modern Marriage. New York: F. S. Crofts and Co., 1940.
8. Nelson, Janet Fowler, Marriages Are Not Made in Heaven. New York: Woman’s
Press, 1939.
9. Popenoe, Paul, Marriage Before and After. New York: Wilfred Funk, 1943.
10. Popenoe, Paul, Modern Marriage. New York: The Macmillan Co., 1940.
11. Duvall, Evelyn M. and Hill, Reuben, When You Marry. Boston: D. C. Heath and
Company, 1945.
IX. SEXUAL ADJUSTMENT (Inception, development, guidance).
1. Butterfield, Oliver, Marriage and Sexual Harmony. New York: Emerson Books,
1938.
2. Deutsch, Helene, The Psychology of Women. New York: Grune and Stratton, 1944.
3. Dickinson, R. L., and Beam, Lura, The Single Woman. Baltimore: Williams and
Wilkins, 1934.
4. Haire, Norman (editor), Encyclopedia of Sexual Knowledge. New York: Eugenics,
1940.
5. Novak, Emil, The Woman Asks the Doctor. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1937.
6. Stone, Abraham, and Stone, Hannah M., A Marriage Manual. Revised edition. New
York: Simon and Schuster, 1939.
7. Van de Velde, T. H., Ideal Marriage. New York: Random House, 1930.
8. Walker, Kenneth, and Strauss, Eric B., Sexual Disorders in the Male. Baltimore:
Williams and Wilkins, 1941.
9. Wright, Helena, Sex Factor in Marriage. Revised edition. New York: Vanguard Press,
1937.
X. SEXUAL ANATOMY (Illustrated hand atlas).
1. Dickinson, R. L., Human Sex Anatomy. Baltimore: Williams and Wilkins, 1933.
XI. SEXUAL RESEARCH (Technical studies).

1. Landis, Carney, and Boller, M. Marjorie, Personality and Sexuality of the Physically
Handicapped Woman. New York: Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1942.
2. Landis, Carney et als., Sex in Development. New York: Paul B. Hoeber, Inc., 1940.
3. Terman, L. M., and Miles, C., Sex and Personality. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Co.,
1937.
XII. SYMPOSIUM ON WAR MARRIAGE AND ITS PROBLEMS (Institute
addresses on “Preparing for Marriage,” “Counseling Married Couples,” and
“Preserving the Family”).
1. Adams, Clifford R., and Kerr, James A. (editors), Proceedings of the Annual Institute
on Marriage and Home Adjustment. State College: The Pennsylvania State College,
1944.

Appendix B
Marriage Counseling Agencies
The American Association of Marriage Counselors (Chairman, Lester W.
Dearborn, 316 Huntington Avenue, Boston, and Secretary, Robert W.
Laidlaw, M.D., 563 Park Avenue, New York) is a professional organization
of qualified ethical marriage counselors. By writing either the chairman or
the secretary, the name and address of a capable counselor in your vicinity
may be obtained.
Other marriage counselors (or agencies) in colleges or universities are
listed below, some of whom are affiliated with the American Association of
Marriage Counselors.

Alabama: University of Alabama, Dr. Pauline Park Wilson
California: University of California (Berkeley), Dr. Noel Keys
Indiana: Anderson College, Dr. Carl Kardatzke
Iowa: Iowa State College, Dr. Reuben Hill
Massachusetts: Mt. Holyoke, Dr. Manfred H. Kuhn
Michigan: Merrill-Palmer School (Detroit), Dr. Robert G. Foster
Missouri: Stephens College, Dr. Henry A. Bowman
North Carolina: University of North Carolina, Dr. Ernest R. Groves
and Mrs. Gladys H. Groves
Oregon: University of Oregon, Dr. Lawrence S. Bee
Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania State College, Dr. Clifford R. Adams

Two nationally known reputable marriage counseling services are:

California (Los Angeles), American Institute of Marriage Relations,
Dr. Paul Popenoe, Director

Pennsylvania (Philadelphia), Marriage Counsel of Philadelphia, Mrs.
Emily H. Mudd, Director

Index
Adams-Lepley Personnel Audit, 100-105
Adjustment, to married life, 198
Adolescence, 40
Age and marriage,
Emotional, 40-41
Evidence of emotional immaturity, 41-42
Mental, 39
Physiological, 38
Sexual, 39
Vocational, 39
Alcohol and marriage, 159
Alibi artists, 150
Arousal stage, 191
Assortative mating, 28

Bachelors, percentage of, 15
Beauty, 89, 94-95
Bowman, Dr. Henry, 48

Children, as values, 22
Coitus, 191
Complaints of husbands and wives, 99
Contraceptives, 191

Dating, 40
Disorderly mates, 152
Divorce, 15
Rate of, 26-27

Emotional maturity, 41-43
Emotions, test, 72-73
Engagement, 183
Purpose, 184
Revealing your past during, 187
Role of sex during, 186
Erogenous zones, 58
Escapists, 151

Fetishism, 71
First night of marriage, 196-197
Flirts, 153
Frigidity, 55, 56, 67

Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory, 100

Hasty marriages, 185
Home making and marriage, 165-166
Homosexuality, 70
Honeymoon, 196-198
Husbands, happy and unhappy, 98
Hymen, 191

Infatuation, characteristics of, 48
Inferiority complex, 90
In-law complications, 152-153

Jealous mates, 146
Jealousy, test, 154-155
Jobs and marriage happiness, 167-168
Prestige of, 167

Lang, Richard O., 167
Law-abiding husbands, 158
Life’s problems, 22
Love,
Ability for, 51-52
At first sight, 49
Conditions necessary for, 50
Defined, 47-50
Sex and, 55
Test of love, 53-54

Marriage,
Basic needs filled by, 95-97
Best age for, 25, 38, 43
Chances of, 23
Common goals in, 203
Companionship and, 21
Crucial traits for happiness in, 99
Customs, 15
Differences and, 140-145
Effects of war on, 25-26
Expectancy of happiness in, test, 37
Mixed, 139
Mixed personalities, 140-141
Mixtures to beware in, 141-145
Qualifications, 156-164
Prediction of happiness scale, 100
Prospects for, 16
Psychological barriers, 16-18
Reasons against, 15-18

Reasons for, 19-20
Stabilizing influence of, 21
Suggestions for marital happiness, 133-136
Mate-matching, 124-126
Test for couples, 137
Mates,
Acceptable, 27-28
Background of, 30
City Census table, 34
Critical, 149
Desirable, 104-105
Education of, 29
Financial status of, 29
Geography favorable for, 31
Job of, 30
Making over, 147-148
Range of eligibility, 28-31
Shortage of, 25
State age Census table, 32-33
Mating, problems of selection, 41-44
Problems of selection, 91-94
Traits wanted, 87-89
Meeting people of the opposite sex, 83-85
Menstruation, 58
Mismating, cause of, 26

Necking, 65
Nervous mates, 148
Neurosis, test of, 163-164

Obstacles to sexual happiness, 194
Orgasm, percentage experiencing, 64, 192-193

Pedophilia, 71

Penn State Counseling Service, 147-201
Personality test, 81, 82
Petting, 65, 67-69
Exploitive, 68
Setting limits, 71
Physical handicaps, 17
Physical health, 64, 158
Need for physical examination, 162-163
Popularity with opposite sex, 75-80
Suggestions for girls, 81
Powers, John, 89
Pregnancy, 191
Premarital sexual relations, 63
Arguments for and against, 65-67
Percentage of, 63
Reasons for increase, 64
Previous divorce, 161
Promiscuity, 67-68
Psychoneurosis, 158-160, 180-181
Pyle, Ernie, 175

Relatives, clinging, 152
Responsibility in marriage, 159

Sadism, 71
Self-confidence, importance of, 90
Services, Counseling, 156
Sex,
Abnormal outlets, 70-71
Desire and its origin, 55-56

Development, 56-57
Importance of, 189-190
Maladjustment, 56-57
Peak of sexual vigor, 65
Release from tensions, 69-70
Repressions unlearned, 60-61
Tensions, 68
Three phases of sexual experience, 191-192
Sexual adjustment, 190

Tension reduction, 200
Terman, Dr. L. M., 63, 98-100, 193

Veterans,
Desire for marriage, 21
Precautions to consider, 180
Subconscious conflicts, 175
Traits gained by war experience, 174
War injuries, 178-179
Vocational trouble makers, 168-173
Voyeurism, 70

Wedding, 195
Wives, happy and unhappy, 98

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been corrected after careful
comparison with other occurrences within the text and consultation of external sources.
Except for those changes noted below, all misspellings in the text, and inconsistent or
archaic usage, have been retained.
Pg 60: ‘Extensive psychotherepy may’ replaced by ‘Extensive psychotherapy may’.
Pg 64: ‘complete physical infirmary’ replaced by ‘complete physical intimacy’.
Pg 68: ‘them such exprestion’ replaced by ‘them such expression’.
Pg 76: ‘for real archievement’ replaced by ‘for real achievement’.
Pg 90: ‘or saxaphone playing’ replaced by ‘or saxophone playing’.
Pg 120: ‘in marriage haappiness’ replaced by ‘in marriage happiness’.
Pg 134: ‘critical and gossippy’ replaced by ‘critical and gossipy’.
Pg 151: ‘shed all responsibilites’ replaced by ‘shed all responsibilities’.
Pg 158: ‘of mental funtion’ replaced by ‘of mental function’.
Pg 174: ‘perseverence and patience’ replaced by ‘perseverance and patience’.
Pg 178: ‘glamorous because glamor’ replaced by ‘glamorous because glamour’.
Pg 201: ‘expertely prepared and’ replaced by ‘expertly prepared and’.
Pg 202: ‘each other’s opinons’ replaced by ‘each other’s opinions’.

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