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Title: Alice in Wonderland

Author: Alice Gerstenberg
Lewis Carroll

Release date: March 26, 2011 [eBook #35688]
Most recently updated: January 7, 2021

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/35688

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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALICE IN
WONDERLAND ***

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Alice: You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.
[Page 24]

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Text of Title Page

Copyright
A. C. McCLURG & CO.
1915

Published December, 1915

Rights to produce this play in all countries of the world
are reserved by Alice Gerstenberg

W. F. MAEL PRINTING COMPANY, CHICAGO

This dramatic rendering of Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg of
Chicago, was produced by The Players Producing Company of Chicago
(Aline Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell), at the Fine Arts Theater, Chicago,
February 11, 1915. After a successful run it opened at the Booth Theater,
New York, March 23, 1915.
The scenery and the costumes were designed by William Penhallow
Henderson of Chicago.
The music was written by Eric De Lamarter of Chicago.
The advertising posters and cards were designed by Jerome Blum of
Chicago.
The illustrations of the characters of the play in this book were drawn by J.
Allen St. John from photographs by Victor Georg of Chicago.
W. H. Gilmore staged the play with the following cast:

Lewis Carroll Frank Stirling
Alice Vivian Tobin
Red Queen Florence LeClercq
White Queen Mary Servoss
White Rabbit Donald Gallaher
Humpty Dumpty Alfred Donohoe
Gryphon Fred W. Permain
Mock Turtle Geoffrey Stein
Mad Hatter Geoffrey Stein
March Hare Fred W. Permain
Dormouse J. Gunnis Davis
Frog Footman Walter Kingsford
Duchess Kenyon Bishop
Cheshire Cat Alfred Donohoe
King of Hearts Frederick Annerly

Queen of Hearts Winifred Hanley
Knave of Hearts Foxhall Daingerfield
Caterpillar Walter Kingsford
Two of Spades Rule Pyott
Five of Spades France Bendtsen
Seven of Spades John A. Rice

Alice in Wonderland
THE SCENES

ACT I
Scene I—Alice’s Home.
Scene II—The Room in the Looking Glass.
Scene III—The Hall with Doors.
Scene IV—The Sea Shore.

ACT II
Scene——The March Hare’s Garden.

ACT III
Scene I—The Garden of Flowers.
Scene II—The Court of Hearts.
Scene III—Alice’s Home.

Miss Gerstenberg’s manuscript called for costumes after the illustrations of
John Tenniel, and scenery of the simple imaginative type, the “new art” in
the theater.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Alice in Wonderland

ACT I

SCENE ONE
Alice’s home. Lewis Carroll is discovered, playing chess. Golden-haired
Alice, in a little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching him.

Alice
That’s a funny game, uncle. What did you do then?

Carroll
A red pawn took a white pawn; this way. You see, Alice, the chessboard is
divided into sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army tries to
win and the red army tries to win. It’s like a battle!

Alice
With soldiers?

Carroll
Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they are fighting for. That’s the Red
Queen and here’s the White Queen.

Alice
How funny they look!

Carroll

See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet.

Alice
It’s a foot apiece, that’s what it is! Do they hump along like this?

Carroll
Here! You’re spoiling the game. I must keep them all in their right
squares.

Alice
I want to be a queen!

Carroll
Here you are [he points to a small white pawn] here you are in your little
stiff skirt!

Alice
How do you do, Alice!

Carroll
And now you are going to move here.

Alice
Let me move myself.

Carroll

When you have traveled all along the board this way and haven’t been
taken by the enemy you may be a queen.

Alice
Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in
her playing cards too. Look!
[Alice goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the ledge.]
Here’s the King of Hearts and here’s his wife; she’s the Queen of Hearts—
isn’t she cross-looking? wants to bite one’s head off.
[Carroll moves a pawn.]
You’re playing against yourself, aren’t you?

Carroll
That’s one way of keeping in practice, Alice; I have friends in the
university who want to beat me.

Alice
But if you play against yourself I should think you’d want to cheat!

Carroll
Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she plays against herself?

Alice
Oh! I never do! I’d scold myself hard. I always pretend I’m two people
too. It’s lots of fun, isn’t it? Sometimes when I’m all alone I walk up to the
looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She’s so silly, that Alice; she
can’t do anything by herself. She just mocks me all the time. When I
laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points her finger at

me, and when I stick my tongue out at her she sticks her tongue out at me!
Kitty has a twin too, haven’t you darling?
[Alice goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin.]

Carroll
I’ll have to write a book some day about Alice—Alice in wonderland,
“Child of the pure unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of wonder!” or,
Alice through the looking glass!

Alice
Don’t you wish sometimes you could go into looking-glass house? See!
[Alice stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror.]
There’s the room you can see through the glass; it’s just the same as our
living-room here, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it—all
but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do wish I could see that bit! I
want so much to know if they’ve a fire there. You never can tell, you
know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room too—
but that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire—just to pretend
they had. The books are something like our books, only the words go the
wrong way. Won’t there ever be any way of our getting through, uncle?

Carroll
Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk digestible?

Alice
It doesn’t sound awful good, does it; but I might leave her at home. She’s
been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found sister’s knitting and
chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with
the neighbors. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was
all out of breath and so tired! I am tired.

[She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair.]

Carroll
[Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch.]
Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea.

Alice
[Half asleep.]
We’re going to have mock turtle soup for supper! I heard mamma tell the
cook not to pepper it too much.

Carroll
What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time!
[He leans gently over the back of her chair, and seeing that she is going to
sleep puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow from the
fireplace illumines Alice.]
[Dream music. A bluish light reveals the Red Chess Queen and the White
Chess Queen in the mirror.]

Red Queen
[Points to Alice and says in a mysterious voice.]
There she is, let’s call her over.

White Queen
Do you think she’ll come?

Red Queen

I’ll call softly, Alice!

White Queen
Hist, Alice.

Red Queen
Alice!

White Queen
Hush—if she wakes and catches us—

Both Queens
Alice, come through into looking-glass house!
[Their hands beckon her.]

Alice
[Rises, and talks sleepily. The Queens disappear. Alice climbs from the arm
of the chair to the back of another and so on up to the mantel ledge, where
she picks her way daintily between the vases.]
I—don’t—know—how—I—can—get—through. I’ve tried—before—but
the glass was hard—and I was afraid of cutting—my fingers—
[She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze.]
Why, it’s soft like gauze; it’s turning into a sort of mist; why, it’s easy to
get through! Why—why—I’m going through!
[She disappears.]

SCENE TWO
[Is Scene One, reversed. The portieres are black and red squares like a
chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the
curtain rises Alice comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks
about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a “fire.” The Red Queen
rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily.]

Alice
Why, you’re the Red Queen!

Red Queen
Of course I am! Where do you come from? And where are you going?
Look up, speak nicely, and don’t twiddle your fingers!

Alice
I only wanted to see what the looking glass was like. Perhaps I’ve lost my
way.

Red Queen
I don’t know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong
to me. Curtsey while you’re thinking what to say. It saves time.

Alice
I’ll try it when I go home; the next time I’m a little late for dinner.

Red Queen

It’s time for you to answer now; open your mouth a little wider when you
speak, and always say, “Your Majesty.” I suppose you don’t want to lose
your name?

Alice
No, indeed.

Red Queen
And yet I don’t know, only think how convenient it would be if you could
manage to go home without it! For instance, if the governess wanted to
call you to your lessons, she would call out “come here,” and there she
would have to leave off, because there wouldn’t be any name for her to
call, and of course you wouldn’t have to go, you know.

Alice
That would never do, I’m sure; the governess would never think of
excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn’t remember my name,
she’d call me “Miss,” as the servants do.

Red Queen
Well, if she said “Miss,” and didn’t say anything more, of course you’d
miss your lessons. I dare say you can’t even read this book.

Alice
It’s all in some language I don’t know. Why, it’s a looking-glass book, of
course! And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way
again.
Jabberwocky
’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
It seems very pretty, but it’s rather hard to understand; somehow it seems
to fill my head with ideas—only I don’t exactly know what they are.

Red Queen
I daresay you don’t know your geography either. Look at the map!
[She takes a right angle course to the portieres and points to them with her
sceptre.]

Alice
It’s marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn’t mind being a pawn,
though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best.

Red Queen
That’s easily managed. When you get to the eighth square you’ll be a
Queen. It’s a huge game of chess that’s being played—all over the world.
Come on, we’ve got to run. Faster, don’t try to talk.

Alice
I can’t.

Red Queen
Faster, faster.

Alice
Are we nearly there?

Red Queen
Nearly there! Why, we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster. You may rest a
little now.

Alice
Why, I do believe we’re in the same place. Everything’s just as it was.

Red Queen

Of course it is, what would you have it?

Alice
Well, in our country you’d generally get to somewhere else—if you ran
very fast for a long time as we’ve been doing.

Red Queen
A slow sort of country. Now here you see, it takes all the running you can
do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you
must run at least twice as fast as that.

Alice
I’d rather not try, please! I’m quite content to stay here—only I am so hot
and thirsty.

Red Queen
I know what you’d like.
[She takes a little box out of her pocket.]
Have a biscuit?
[Alice, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and chokes.]

Red Queen
While you’re refreshing yourself, I’ll just take the measurements.
[She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it.]
At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions—have another
biscuit?

Alice
No thank you, one’s quite enough.

Red Queen
Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat them—for
fear of your forgetting them. At the end of four, I shall say good-bye. And
at the end of five, I shall go! That Square belongs to Humpty Dumpty and
that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle and that Square to the Queen
of Hearts. But you make no remark?

Alice
I—I didn’t know I had to make one—just then.

Red Queen
You should have said, “It’s extremely kind of you to tell me all this,”
however, we’ll suppose it said. Four! Good-bye! Five!
[Red Queen vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portieres. Rabbit music.
White Rabbit comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room
hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand, a
fan in the other and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously.]

White Rabbit
Oh the Duchess! the Duchess! Oh! won’t she be savage if I’ve kept her
waiting!

Alice
I’ve never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch! And a waistcoat
pocket! If you please, sir—

White Rabbit
Oh!
[He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portieres in
a gust of wind. Alice picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The
portieres flap in the breeze and a shawl flies in.]

Alice
[Catches the shawl and looks about for the owner; then meets the White
Queen.]
I’m very glad I happened to be in the way.

White Queen
[Runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying, and cries
in a helpless frightened way.]
Bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter.

Alice
Am I addressing the White Queen?

White Queen
Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn’t my notion of the thing, at all.

Alice
If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I’ll do it as well
as I can.

White Queen
But I don’t want it done at all. I’ve been a-dressing myself for the last two
hours.

Alice
Every single thing’s crooked, and you’re all over pins; may I put your
shawl straight for you?

White Queen
I don’t know what’s the matter with it! It’s out of temper. I’ve pinned it
here, and I’ve pinned it there, but there’s no pleasing it.

Alice
It can’t go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side, and dear me,
what a state your hair is in!

White Queen
The brush has got entangled in it! And I lost the comb yesterday.

Alice
[Takes out the brush and arranges the Queen’s hair.]
You look better now! But really you should have a lady’s maid!

White Queen
I’m sure I’ll take you with pleasure. Two pence a week and jam every
other day.

Alice
[Who cannot help laughing.]
I don’t want you to hire me—and I don’t care for jam.

White Queen
It’s very good jam.

Alice
Well, I don’t want any today, at any rate.

White Queen
You couldn’t have it if you did want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam
yesterday—but never jam today.

Alice
It must come sometimes to “jam today.”

White Queen
No, it can’t, it’s jam every other day; today isn’t any other day, you know.

Alice
I don’t understand you, it’s dreadfully confusing!

White Queen
That’s the effect of living backwards, it always makes one a little giddy at
first—

Alice
Living backwards! I never heard of such a thing!

White Queen
But there’s one great advantage in it—that one’s memory works both
ways.

Alice
I’m sure mine only works one way. I can’t remember things before they
happen.

White Queen
It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.

Alice
What sort of things do you remember best?

White Queen
Oh, things that happened the week after next. For instance now:
[She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger.]
There’s the King’s messenger—he’s in prison being punished; and the trial
doesn’t even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes
last of all.

Alice
Suppose he never commits the crime?

White Queen
[Binding the plaster with ribbon.]
That would be all the better, wouldn’t it?

Alice
Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn’t be all the better his
being punished.

White Queen
You’re wrong there, at any rate; were you ever punished?

Alice
Only for faults.

White Queen
And you were all the better for it, I know!

Alice
Yes, but then I had done the things I was punished for; that makes all the
difference.

White Queen
But if you hadn’t done them that would have been better still; better and
better and better!

Alice

There’s a mistake somewhere—

White Queen
[Screams like an engine whistle, and shakes her hand.]
Oh, Oh, Oh! My finger’s bleeding. Oh, Oh, Oh!

Alice
What is the matter? Have you pricked your finger?

White Queen
I haven’t pricked it yet—but I soon shall—Oh, Oh, Oh!

Alice
When do you expect to do it?

White Queen
When I fasten my shawl again; the brooch will come undone directly. Oh,
Oh!
[Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly.]

Alice
Take care! you’re holding it all crooked!

White Queen
[Pricks her finger and smiles.]

That accounts for the bleeding, you see; now you understand the way
things happen here.

Alice
But why don’t you scream now?

White Queen
Why, I’ve done all the screaming already. What would be the good of
having it all over again? Oh! it’s time to run if you want to stay in the
same place! Come on!

Alice
No, no! Not so fast! I’m getting dizzy!!

White Queen
Faster, faster!

Alice
Everything’s black before my eyes!
[There is music, and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the
White Queen cries: “Faster, faster”; Alice gasps: “I can’t—please stop”;
and the Queen replies: “Then you can’t stay in the same place. I’ll have to
drop you behind. Faster—faster, good-bye.”]

SCENE THREE
When the curtain rises one sees nothing but odd black lanterns with orange
lights, hanging, presumably, from the sky. The scene lights up slowly
revealing Alice seated on two large cushions. She has been “dropped
behind” by the White Queen and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall
with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach.

Alice
Oh! my head! Where am I? Oh dear, Oh dear!
[She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table.]
I’ve never been smaller than any table before! I’ve always been able to
reach the knobs! What a curious feeling. Oh! I’m shrinking. It’s the fan—
the gloves!

[She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against table
and doors.]
Oh! saved in time! But I never—never—

White Rabbit
Oh! my fan and gloves! Where are my—

Alice
Oh! Mr. Rabbit—please help me out—I want to go home—I want to go
home—

White Rabbit
Oh! the Duchess! Oh! my fur and whiskers! She’ll get me executed, as
sure as ferrets are ferrets! Oh! you have them!

Alice
I’m sorry—you dropped them, you know—

White Rabbit
[Picks up fan and gloves and patters off.]
She’ll chop off your head!

Alice
If you please sir—where am I?—won’t you please—tell me how to get out
—I want to get out—

White Rabbit

[Looking at his watch.]
Oh! my ears and whiskers, how late it’s getting.
[A trap door gives way and Rabbit disappears. Alice dashes after only in
time to have the trap door bang in her face.]

Alice
[Amazed.]
It’s a rabbit-hole—I’m small enough to fit it too! If I shrink any more it
might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would
be like then! What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is
blown out? I’ve never seen such a thing!

Humpty Dumpty
[Sits on the wall.]
Don’t stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and
your business.

Alice
My name is Alice, but—

Humpty Dumpty
It’s a stupid name enough, what does it mean?

Alice
Must a name mean something?

Humpty Dumpty

Of course it must; my name means the shape I am—and a good, handsome
shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.

Alice
You’re Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg.

Humpty Dumpty
It’s very provoking, to be called an egg—very.

Alice
I said you looked like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are very pretty, you
know.

Humpty Dumpty
Some people have no more sense than a baby.

Alice
Why do you sit here all alone?

Humpty Dumpty
Why, because there’s nobody with me. Did you think I didn’t know the
answer to that? Ask another.

Alice
Don’t you think you’d be safer down on the ground? That wall’s so very
narrow.

Humpty Dumpty
What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don’t think so. Take
a good look at me! I’m one that has spoken to a king, I am; to show you
I’m not proud, you may shake hands with me!
[He leans forward to offer Alice his hand but she is too small to reach it.]
However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let’s go back to the
last remark but one.

Alice
I’m afraid I can’t remember it.

Humpty Dumpty
In that case we start fresh, and it’s my turn to choose a subject.

Alice
You talk about it just as if it were a game.

Humpty Dumpty
So here’s a question for you. How old did you say you were?

Alice
Seven years and six months.

Humpty Dumpty
Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you’d asked my advice, I’d
have said, “Leave off at seven—but—”

Alice
I never ask advice about growing.

Humpty Dumpty
Too proud?

Alice
What a beautiful belt you’ve got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I should
have said—no, a belt, I mean—I beg your pardon. If only I knew which
was neck and which was waist.

Humpty Dumpty
It is a—most—provoking—thing, when a person doesn’t know a cravat
from a belt.

Alice
I know it’s very ignorant of me.

Humpty Dumpty
It’s a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There’s glory for you.

Alice
I don’t know what you mean by “glory.”

Humpty Dumpty

When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more
nor less.

Alice
The question is, whether you can make words mean different things.

Humpty Dumpty
The question is, which is to be master—that’s all. Impenetrability! That’s
what I say!

Alice
Would you tell me, please, what that means?

Humpty Dumpty
I meant by “impenetrability” that we’ve had enough of that subject, and it
would be just as well if you’d mention what you mean to do next, as I
suppose you don’t mean to stop here all the rest of your life.

Alice
That’s a great deal to make one word mean.

Humpty Dumpty
When I make a word do a lot of work like that I always pay it extra.

Alice
Oh!

Humpty Dumpty
Ah, you should see ’em come round me of a Saturday night, for to get
their wages, you know. That’s all—Good-bye.

Alice
Good-bye till we meet again.

Humpty Dumpty
I shouldn’t know you again, if we did meet, you’re so exactly like other
people.

Alice
The face is what one goes by, generally.

Humpty Dumpty
That’s just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has—
the two eyes—so—nose in the middle, mouth under. It’s always the same.
Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance—
or the mouth at the top—that would be some help.

Alice
It wouldn’t look nice.

Humpty Dumpty
Wait till you’ve tried! Good-bye.
[He disappears as he came.]

Alice
Oh! I forgot to ask him how to—
[She tries to open the doors. They are all locked; she begins to weep. She
walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge. She
sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the
doors but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps—and Wonderland grows
dark to her in her despair. In the darkness she cries, “Oh! I’m slipping! Oh,
Oh! it’s a lake; Oh! my tears! I’m floating!” A mysterious light shows a
“Drink me” sign around a bottle on the top of the table. Alice floats up to it
panting, and holding on to the edge of the table takes up the bottle.]

Alice
It isn’t marked poison.
[She sips at it.]
This is good! Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy
and hot buttered toast—all together. Oh! Oh! I’m letting out like a
telescope.
[A mysterious light shows her lengthening out.]
[Music.]
But the lake is rising too. Oh! Oh! it’s deep! I’m drowning. Help, help,
I’m drowning, I’m drowning in my tears!

Gryphon
Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh!
[The Gryphon, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears
where Humpty Dumpty had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab
and save Alice.]

SCENE FOUR
Is symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The Mock
Turtle is weeping dismally.

Gryphon
Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh.

Mock Turtle
[Answers with his weeping.]

Gryphon
[Drags Alice in.]
Drop your tears into the sea with his.

Alice
He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would
break. What is his sorrow?

Mock Turtle
Oh, Gryphon, it’s terrible!

Gryphon
It’s all his fancy that. Mock Turtle hasn’t got no sorrow. This here young
lady, she wants for to know your history, she do.

Mock Turtle

I’ll tell it her. Sit down both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve
finished.

Alice
I don’t see how you can ever finish, if you don’t begin.

Mock Turtle
Once, I was a real Turtle.
[A long silence is broken only by the exclamations, “Hjckrrh,” of the
Gryphon and the heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle.]

Mock Turtle
When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old
Turtle—we used to call him tortoise—

Alice
Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?

Mock Turtle
We called him Tortoise because he taught us; really you are very dull.

Gryphon
You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question.
Drive on, old fellow! Don’t be all day about it!

Mock Turtle
Yes, we went to school in the sea, tho’ you mayn’t believe it—

Alice
I never said I didn’t.

Mock Turtle
You did.

Gryphon
Hold your tongue!

Mock Turtle
We had the best of educations—in fact, we went to school every day.

Alice
I’ve been to a day school too; you needn’t be so proud as all that.

Mock Turtle
With extras?

Alice
Yes, we learned French and music.

Mock Turtle
And washing?

Alice

Certainly not!

Mock Turtle
Ah! Then yours wasn’t a really good school. Now at ours they had at the
end of the bill, French, music, and washing—extra.

Alice
You couldn’t have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the sea.

Mock Turtle
I couldn’t afford to learn it, I only took the regular course.

Alice
What was that?

Mock Turtle
Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different
branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and
Derision.

Alice
I never heard of Uglification. What is it?

Gryphon
Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose?

Alice
Yes, it means—to—make—anything—prettier.

Gryphon
Well then, if you don’t know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.

Alice
What else had you to learn?

Mock Turtle
Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography,
then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger eel, that used to
come once a week; what he taught us was Drawling, Stretching, and
Fainting in Coils.

Alice
What was that like?

Mock Turtle
Well, I can’t show it you, myself. I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never
learned it.

Gryphon
Hadn’t time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab,
he was.

Mock Turtle
I never went to him; he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.

Gryphon
So he did, so he did.

Alice
And how many hours a day did you do lessons?

Mock Turtle

Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on.

Alice
What a curious plan!

Gryphon
That’s the reason they’re called lessons, because they lessen from day to
day.

Alice
Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?

Mock Turtle
Of course it was.

Alice
And how did you manage on the twelfth?

Gryphon
That’s enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now.
[Mock Turtle sighs deeply, draws back of one flapper across his eyes. He
looks at Alice and tries to speak but sobs choke his voice.]

Gryphon
[Punching him in the back.]
Same as if he had a bone in his throat.

Mock Turtle
[With tears running down his cheeks.]
You may not have lived much under the sea—

Alice
I haven’t.

Mock Turtle
And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster.

Alice
I once tasted—no, never!

Mock Turtle
So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is.

Alice
No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it?

Gryphon
Why, you first form into a line along the seashore.

Mock Turtle
Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you’ve cleared all
the jellyfish out of the way—

Gryphon
That generally takes some time.

Mock Turtle
You advance twice—

Gryphon
Each with a lobster as a partner.

Mock Turtle
Of course, advance twice, set to partners.

Gryphon
Change lobsters, and retire in same order.

Mock Turtle
Then you know, you throw the—

Gryphon
The lobsters!

Mock Turtle
As far out to sea as you can—

Gryphon

Swim after them!

Mock Turtle
Turn a somersault in the sea.

Gryphon
Change lobsters again!

Mock Turtle
Back to land again, and—that’s all the first figure.

Alice
It must be a very pretty dance.

Mock Turtle
Would you like to see a little of it?

Alice
Very much indeed.

Mock Turtle
Come, let’s try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know;
which shall sing?

Gryphon
Oh, you sing, I’ve forgotten the words.

[Creatures solemnly dance round and round Alice, treading on her toes,
waving fore-paws to mark time while Mock Turtle sings.]
First Verse
“Will you walk a little faster!” said a whiting to a snail,
“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

Second Verse
“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”
But the snail replied, “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance—
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the
dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the
dance.
[The creatures dance against Alice, pushing her back and forth between
them. She protests and finally escapes; they bump against each other.]

Alice
Thank you; it’s a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that
curious song about the whiting.

Mock Turtle
Oh, as to the whiting, they—you’ve seen them, of course?

Alice
Yes, I’ve often seen them at din—

[Checks herself hastily.]

Mock Turtle
I don’t know where Din may be, but if you’ve seen them so often, of
course you know what they’re like.

Alice
I believe so, they have their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over
crumbs.

Mock Turtle
You’re wrong about the crumbs, crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But
they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—
[Mock Turtle yawns and shuts his eyes.]
Tell her about the reason and all that.

Gryphon
The reason is, that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they
got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails
fast in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again. That’s all.

Alice
Thank you, it’s very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting
before.

Gryphon
I can tell you more than that, if you like. Do you know why it’s called a
whiting?

Alice
I never thought about it. Why?

Gryphon
It does the boots and shoes.

Alice
Does the boots and shoes!

Gryphon
Why, what are your shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny?

Alice
They’re done with blacking, I believe.

Gryphon
Boots and shoes under the sea, are done with whiting. Now you know.

Alice
And what are they made of?

Gryphon
Soles and eels, of course; any shrimp could have told you that.

Alice

If I’d been the whiting, I’d have said to the porpoise, “Keep back, please;
we don’t want you with us.”

Mock Turtle
They were obliged to have him with them, no wise fish would go
anywhere without a porpoise.

Alice
Wouldn’t it really?

Mock Turtle
Of course not; why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a
journey, I should say, “With what porpoise?”

Alice
Don’t you mean purpose?

Mock Turtle
I mean what I say.

Gryphon
Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like
the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?

Alice
Oh, a song please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind.

Gryphon
Um! No accounting for tastes! Sing her “Turtle Soup,” will you, old
fellow?

Mock Turtle
[Sighs deeply and sometimes choked with sobs, sings.]
“Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau—ootiful Soo—op,
Beau—ootiful Soo—oop,
Soo—oop of the e-e-evening,
Beautiful, beautiful Soup.”

White Rabbit
[Enters, stretching out a red and white checked sash with which he
separates Alice from the creatures.]
Check!

Mock Turtle
They won’t let her stay in our square.

White Rabbit
The Queen is coming this way.

Gryphon
She’ll chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let’s fly!
[The Mock Turtle and Gryphon grab Alice and fly into the air.]

CURTAIN

[The Curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of the Gryphon, Mock Turtle,
and Alice in an orange-colored moon far away in the sky. Down below the
White Rabbit is shouting to them, “You’ll be safe in the March Hare’s
garden.”]
CURTAIN

ACT II

SCENE
The March Hare’s garden, showing part of the Duchess’ house. On a small
platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to
give impression of limitless length. The March Hare, Hatter, and
Dormouse are crowded at one end. Alice sits on the ground where she has
been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised she rises and
approaches the table.

March Hare and Hatter
No room! No room!

Alice
There’s plenty of room!
[She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table.]
I don’t know who you are.

March Hare
I am the March Hare, that’s the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have
some wine?

Alice
I don’t see any wine.

March Hare
There isn’t any.

Alice
Then it wasn’t very civil of you to offer it.

March Hare
It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

Alice
I didn’t know it was your table; it’s laid for a great many more than three.

Hatter
Your hair wants cutting.

Alice
You should learn not to make personal remarks; it’s very rude.

Hatter
Why is a raven like a writing-desk?

Alice
Come, we shall have some fun now! I’m glad you’ve begun asking riddles
—I believe I can guess that.

March Hare

So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it?

Larger Image

Hatter: Your hair wants cutting.

Alice
Exactly so.

March Hare
Then you should say what you mean.

Alice
I do; at least—at least I mean what I say—that’s the same thing, you
know.

Hatter
Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that “I see what
I eat” is the same thing as, “I eat what I see!”

March Hare
You might just as well say that “I like what I get,” is the same thing as “I
get what I like.”

Dormouse
You might just as well say that “I breathe when I sleep” is the same thing
as “I sleep when I breathe.”

Hatter
It is the same thing with you.
[Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear.]
What day of the month is it?

Alice
The fourth.

Hatter
Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn’t suit the works!

March Hare
It was the best butter.

Hatter
Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn’t have put it
in with the bread-knife—

March Hare
[Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at
it again but doesn’t know what else to say.]
It was the best butter, you know.

Alice
What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn’t tell what
o’clock it is.

Hatter
Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?

Alice
Of course not, but that’s because it stays the same year for such a long
time together.

Hatter
Which is just the case with mine.

Alice
I don’t quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it
and yet it was certainly English.

Hatter
[Pouring some hot tea on the Dormouse’s nose.]
The Dormouse is asleep again.

Dormouse
Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself.

Hatter
Have you guessed the riddle yet?

Alice
No, I give it up, what’s the answer?

Hatter
I haven’t the slightest idea.

March Hare
Nor I.

Alice
I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in
asking riddles that have no answers.

Hatter
If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s
him.

Alice
I don’t know what you mean.

Hatter
Of course you don’t. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.

Alice
Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.

Hatter
Ah, that accounts for it. He won’t stand beating. Now, if you only kept on
good terms with him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock.
For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning, just time to
begin lessons. You’d only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes
the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner.

March Hare
I only wish it was.

Alice
That would be grand, certainly, but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you
know.

Hatter
Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you
liked.

Alice
Is that the way you manage?

Hatter
Not I, we quarreled last March—just before he went mad, you know. It
was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing.
“Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!”
You know the song, perhaps.

Alice
I’ve heard something like it.

Dormouse
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—

Hatter
Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, “He’s
murdering the time! Off with his head!”

Alice
How dreadfully savage!

Hatter
And ever since that, he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock now.

Alice
Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here?

Hatter
Yes, that’s it; it’s always tea time, and we’ve no time to wash the things
between whiles.

Alice
Then you keep moving round, I suppose?

Hatter
Exactly so, as the things get used up.

Alice
But when you come to the beginning again?

March Hare
Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story.

Alice
I’m afraid I don’t know one.

March Hare and Hatter

Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up Dormouse.
[They pinch him on both sides at once.]

Dormouse
[Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice.]
I wasn’t asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying.

March Hare
Tell us a story.

Alice
Yes, please do!

Hatter
And be quick about it, or you’ll be asleep again before it’s done.

Dormouse
Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were
Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well—

Alice
What did they live on?

Dormouse
They lived on treacle.

Alice
They couldn’t have done that, you know, they’d have been ill.

Dormouse
So they were, very ill.

Alice
But why did they live at the bottom of a well?

March Hare
Take some more tea.

Alice
I’ve had nothing yet, so I can’t take more.

Hatter
You mean, you can’t take less; it’s very easy to take more than nothing.

Alice
Nobody asked your opinion.

Hatter
Who’s making personal remarks now?

Alice
[Helps herself to tea and bread and butter.]
Why did they live at the bottom of a well?

Dormouse
[Takes a minute or two to think.]
It was a treacle-well.

Alice
There’s no such thing!

Hatter and March Hare
Sh! Sh!

Dormouse
If you can’t be civil, you’d better finish the story for yourself.

Alice
[Very humbly.]
No, please go on. I won’t interrupt you again. I dare say there may be one.

Dormouse
One, indeed! And so these three little sisters—they were learning to draw,
you know—

Alice
What did they draw?

Dormouse
Treacle.

Hatter
I want a clean cup. Let’s all move one place on.

[Hatter moves on, Dormouse takes his place, March Hare takes
Dormouse’s place and Alice unwillingly takes March Hare’s place.]

Alice
I’m worse off than I was before. You’ve upset the milk jug into your plate.

March Hare
It wasn’t very civil of you to sit down without being invited.

Alice
Where did they draw the treacle from?

Hatter
You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw
treacle out of a treacle well—eh, stupid?

Alice
But they were in the well.

Dormouse
Of course they were—well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew
all manner of things—everything that begins with an M—

Alice
Why with an M?

March Hare
Why not?
[Alice is silent and confused. Hatter pinches Dormouse to wake him up.]

Dormouse
[Wakes with a little shriek and continues.]
—that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory
and muchness—you know you say things are “much of a muchness”—did
you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness?

Hatter
Did you?

Alice
Really now you ask me, I don’t think—

Hatter
Then you shouldn’t talk.

March Hare
No!

Alice
[Rises and walks away.]
You are very rude. It’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life—
[White Rabbit enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on
it.]

March Hare and Hatter
No room! no room!
[Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A
footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered
hair opens the door.]

White Rabbit
For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.

Frog
From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.
[White Rabbit bows and goes out.]

March Hare and Hatter
[To White Rabbit.]
No room! No room! No room!
[The Frog disappears into the house but leaves the door open. There is a
terrible din and many sauce pans fly out.]

March Hare
She’s at it again.

Hatter
It’s perfectly disgusting.

March Hare
Let’s move on.
[The platform moves off with table, chairs, March Hare, Hatter, and
Dormouse. Meanwhile the Frog has come out again and is sitting near the
closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. Alice goes to the door timidly and
knocks.]

Frog
There’s no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first, because
I’m on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they’re

making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.

Alice
Please then, how am I to get in?

Frog
There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between
us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you
out, you know.

Alice
How am I to get in?

Frog
I shall sit here, till tomorrow.
[The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the Frog’s head; it
grazes his nose and breaks into pieces.]
[Frog acts as if nothing had happened.]
Or next day, maybe.

Alice
How am I to get in?

Frog
Are you to get in at all? That’s the first question, you know.

Alice

It’s really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It’s enough to drive
one crazy.

Frog
I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days.

Alice
But what am I to do?

Frog
Anything you like.
[He begins to whistle.]

Alice
Where’s the servant whose business it is to answer the door?

Frog
Which door?

Alice
This door, of course!
[The Frog looks at the door, and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will
come off.]

Larger Image

Frog: I shall sit here till tomorrow.

Frog
To answer the door? What’s it been asking for?

Alice
I don’t know what you mean.

Frog
I speaks English, doesn’t I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?

Alice
Nothing! I’ve been knocking at it.

Frog
Shouldn’t do that—shouldn’t do that, vexes it, you know.
[He kicks the door.]
You let it alone, and it’ll let you alone, you know.

Alice
Oh, there’s no use talking to you—
[She starts to open the door just as the Duchess comes out carrying a pig in
baby’s clothes. She sneezes—Frog sneezes and Alice sneezes.]

Duchess
If everybody minded her own business—
[She sneezes.]

Alice
It’s pepper.

Duchess
Of course, my cook puts it in the soup.

Alice
There’s certainly too much pepper in the soup.

Duchess
Sneeze then and get rid of it!
[Duchess begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of
every line of the lullaby.]
“Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes;
[Frog and Alice sneeze.]
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases.
[Duchess sneezes, Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes.]
I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes;
[Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes.]
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!”
[Duchess sneezes, Frog sneezes, Alice sneezes, Duchess gasps and gives a
tremendous sneeze.]

Alice
Oh dear!
[She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The
Duchess pays no attention.]
What a cook to have!
[She calls inside.]
Oh! please mind what you’re doing!

[Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby.]
Oh! there goes his precious nose!

Duchess
If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal
faster than it does.

Alice
Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make
with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn
round on its axis—

Duchess
Talking of axes, chop off her head!
[The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall.]

Alice
Oh, what’s that?

Duchess
Cat, of course.

Alice
Why does it grin like that?

Duchess
It’s a Cheshire cat! and that’s why. [To baby.] Pig!

Larger Image

Duchess: I speak severely to my boy,
I beat him when he sneezes.

Alice
I didn’t know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn’t know that
cats could grin.

Duchess
They all can and most of ’em do.

Alice
I don’t know of any that do.

Duchess
You don’t know much and that’s a fact. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if
you like!
[Flings the baby at Alice.]
I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen.
[She goes into the house.]

Alice
If I don’t take this child away with me, they’re sure to kill it in a day or
two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please, which way I ought to walk
from here?

Cat
That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.

Alice
I don’t much care where—

Cat
Then it doesn’t matter which way you walk.

Alice
So long as I get somewhere.

Cat
Oh, you’re sure to do that, if you only walk long enough.

Alice
Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here?

Cat
All mad people.

Alice
But I don’t want to go among mad people.

Cat
Oh, you can’t help that; we’re all mad here. I’m mad. He’s mad. He’s
dreaming now, and what do you think he’s dreaming about?

Alice
[Goes to the Frog to scrutinize his face.]
Nobody could guess that.

Cat
Why, about you! And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you
suppose you’d be?

Alice
Where I am now, of course.

Cat
Not you. You’d be nowhere. Why, you’re only a sort of thing in his dream;
and you’re mad too.

Alice
How do you know I’m mad?

Cat
You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.

Alice
How do you know that you’re mad?

Cat
To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?

Alice
I suppose so.

Cat
Well then, you see a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its tail when
it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m
angry. Therefore I’m mad.

Alice
I call it purring, not growling.

Cat
Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today?

Alice
I should like it very much, but I haven’t been invited yet.

Cat
You’ll see me there.

[Vanishes.]

Alice
[To squirming baby.]
Oh, dear, it’s heavy and so ugly. Don’t grunt—Oh—Oh—it’s a—pig.
Please Mr. Footman take it!

Frog
[Rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house; a kettle comes
bounding out. Alice puts pig down and it crawls off.]

Cat
[Appearing again.]
By-the-bye, what became of the baby?

Alice
It turned into a pig.

Cat
I thought it would.
[Vanishes.]
[Frog comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingoes.]

Cat
[Reappearing.]
Did you say pig, or fig?

Alice
I said pig; and I wish you wouldn’t keep appearing and vanishing so
suddenly; you make one quite giddy.

Cat
All right. [It vanishes slowly.]
[Frog puts flamingoes down and reenters house. While Alice is examining
the flamingoes curiously, Tweedledum and Tweedledee, each with an arm
round the other’s neck, sidestep in and stand looking at Alice.]

Alice
[Turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers.]
Tweedle—dee.

Dum
Dum!

Dee
If you think we’re waxworks, you ought to pay.

Dum
Contrariwise, if you think we’re alive, you ought to speak.

Dee
The first thing in a visit is to say “How d’ye do?” and shake hands!

[The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are
free, to shake hands with her. Alice does not like shaking hands with either
of them first, for fear of hurting the other one’s feelings; she takes hold of
both hands at once and they all dance round in a ring, quite naturally to
music, “Here we go round the mulberry bush.”]

Alice
Would you tell me which road leads out of—

Dee
What shall I repeat to her?

Dum
The “Walrus and the Carpenter” is the longest.
[Gives his brother an affectionate hug.]

Dee
The sun was shining—

Alice
If it’s very long, would you please tell me first which road—

Dee
The moon was shining sulkily.

Dum
The sea was wet as wet could be—

Dee
O Oysters, come and walk with us
The Walrus did beseech—

Dum
[Looks at Dee.]
A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach—

Dee
[Looks at Dum.]
The eldest Oyster winked his eye
And shook his heavy head—

Dum
[Looks at Dee.]
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster bed.

Dee
But four young Oysters hurried up
And yet another four—

Dum
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more—

Dee
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,

Dum
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low,

Dee
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

Dum
“A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
“Is what we chiefly need.

Dee
Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.”

Dum
“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.

Dee
“The night is fine,” the Walrus said,
“Do you admire the view?”

Dum
The Carpenter said nothing but
“Cut us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so deaf—
I’ve had to ask you twice!”

Dee
“It seems a shame,” the Walrus said,
“To play them such a trick,
After we’ve brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!”

Dum
“O, Oysters,” said the Carpenter,
“You’ve had a pleasant run!

Dee
Shall we be trotting home again?”

Dum
But answer came there none—

Dee
And this was scarcely odd, because

Dum
They’d eaten every—

Dee
[Interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground.]
Do you see that?

Alice
It’s only a rattle—

Dum
[Stamps wildly and tears his hair.]
I knew it was! It’s spoilt of course. My nice new rattle!
[To Dee.]
You agree to have a battle?
[He collects sauce pans and pots.]

Dee
[Picks up a sauce pan.]
I suppose so. Let’s fight till dinner.
[They go out hand in hand.]

Alice
[Hears music.]
I wonder what is going to happen next.
[She backs down stage respectfully as the King and Queen of Hearts enter,
followed by the Knave of Hearts carrying the King’s crown on a crimson

velvet cushion, and the White Rabbit and others. When they come opposite
to Alice they stop and look at her.]
[The Duchess comes out of her house.]

Queen
[To the Knave.]
Who is this?

Knave

[Bows three times, smiles and giggles.]

Queen
Idiot! What’s your name, child?

Alice
My name is Alice, so please your Majesty.

Queen
Off with her head! Off—

Alice
Nonsense!

King
Consider, my dear, she is only a child.

Queen
Can you play croquet?

Alice
Yes.

Queen
Come on then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets?

Duchess
Here.
[The Frog appears with the flamingoes and hedgehogs.]

Queen
Off with his head!
[No one pays any attention.]

Knave
What fun!

Alice
What is the fun?

Knave
Why she; it’s all her fancy, that. They never execute anyone.

Alice
What does one do?

Queen
Get to your places!
[She takes a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and a hedgehog as a ball.
The Frog doubles himself into an arch. The King does the same with the
followers and the Knave offers himself as an arch for Alice. Even though

Alice does not notice him he holds the arch position. The Queen shouts at
intervals, “Off with his head, off with her head.”]

Alice
Where are the Chess Queens?

Rabbit
Under sentence of execution.

Alice
What for?

Rabbit
Did you say, “what a pity”?

Alice
No, I didn’t. I don’t think it’s at all a pity. I said, “What for?”

Rabbit
They boxed the Queen’s ears.
[Alice gives a little scream of laughter.]

Rabbit
Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see they came rather late and the
Queen said—Oh dear, the Queen hears me—
[He hurries away.]

Alice
[Noticing the Knave who still pretends to be an arch.]
How can you go on thinking so quietly, with your head downwards?

Knave
What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on
working just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am,
the more I keep on inventing new things.

King
Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the
wood?

Alice
Yes, I did; several thousand I should think.

King
Four thousand, two hundred and seven, that’s the exact number. They
couldn’t send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in
the game. And I haven’t sent the two messengers, either.

Alice
What’s the war about?

King
The red Chess King has the whole army against us but he can’t kill a man
who has thirteen hearts.

[The Duchess, Queen, Frog, and followers go out. The Knave and the Five-
Spot, Seven-Spot, and Nine-Spot of Hearts stand behind the King.]

Larger Image

King: I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody!

King
Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my
messengers.

Alice
I see nobody on the road.

King

I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody! And at that distance
too! Why, it’s as much as I can do to see real people, by this light.

Alice
I see somebody now! But he’s coming very slowly—and what curious
attitudes he goes into—skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel.

King
Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he’s
happy. I must have two messengers, you know—to come and go. One to
come and one to go.

Alice
I beg your pardon?

King
It isn’t respectable to beg.

Alice
I only meant that I didn’t understand. Why one to come and one to go?

King
Don’t I tell you? I must have two—to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and
one to carry.

March Hare
[Enters, pants for breath—waves his hands about and makes fearful faces at
the King.]

King
You alarm me! I feel faint—give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich!

March Hare
There’s nothing but hay left now.

King
Hay, then. There’s nothing like eating hay when you’re faint.

Alice
I should think throwing cold water over you would be better.

King
I didn’t say there was nothing better; I said there was nothing like it.

King
Who did you pass on the road?

March Hare
Nobody.

King
Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks
slower than you.

March Hare

I do my best; I’m sure nobody walks much faster than I do.

King
He can’t do that; or else he’d have been here first. However, now you’ve
got your breath, you may tell us what’s happened in the town.

March Hare
I’ll whisper it.
[Much to Alice’s surprise, he shouts into the King’s ear.]
They’re at it again!

King
Do you call that a whisper? If you do such a thing again, I’ll have you
buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. Give
me details, quick!
[The King and March Hare go out, followed by Five, Seven, and Nine
Spots.]

Duchess
[Runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into Alice’s.]
You can’t think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!

Alice
Oh!

Duchess

You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to
talk. I can’t tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall
remember it in a bit.

Alice
Perhaps it hasn’t one.

Duchess
Tut, tut, child! Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.
[Squeezes closely, digs her chin into Alice’s shoulder, and roughly drags
Alice along for a walk.]

Alice
The game’s going on rather better now.

Duchess
’Tis so, and the moral of that is—“Oh, ’tis love, ’tis love, that makes the
world go round!”

Alice
Somebody said, that it’s done by everybody minding their own business.

Duchess
Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of that is—“Take
care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.”

Alice

How fond you are of finding morals in things.

Duchess
I daresay you’re wondering why I don’t put my arm round your waist. The
reason is, that I’m doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try
the experiment?

Alice
He might bite.

Duchess
Very true; flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is
—“Birds of a feather flock together.”

Alice
Only mustard isn’t a bird.

Duchess
Right, as usual; what a clear way you have of putting things.

Alice
It’s a mineral, I think.

Duchess
Of course it is; there’s a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of
that is—“The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.”

Alice
Oh! I know, it’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like one, but it is.

Duchess
I quite agree with you, and the moral of that is—“Be what you would
seem to be;” or, if you’d like it put more simply, “Never imagine yourself
not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were
or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have
appeared to them to be otherwise.”

Alice
I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I can’t
quite follow it as you say it.

Duchess
That’s nothing to what I could say if I chose.

Alice
Pray don’t trouble yourself to say it any longer than that.

Duchess
Oh, don’t talk about trouble; I make you a present of everything I’ve said
as yet.

Alice
Uhm!

Duchess
Thinking again?

Alice
I’ve got a right to think.

Duchess
Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the moral—
[The arm of the Duchess begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The
Queen of Hearts stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a
thunderstorm.]

Duchess
A fine day, your Majesty.
Queen
Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and that
in about half no time. Take your choice!
[The Duchess goes meekly into the house.]

Queen
Let’s go on with the game.
[She goes off and shouts at intervals, “Off with his head; off with her
head.”]

Cat
How are you getting on?

Alice

It’s no use speaking to you till your ears have come. I don’t think they
play at all fairly and they all quarrel so and they don’t seem to have any
rules in particular. And you’ve no idea how confusing it is with all the
things alive; there’s the arch I’ve got to go through next walking about at
the other end of the ground—and I should have croqueted the Queen’s
hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming.
[Music begins.]

Cat
How do you like the Queen?

Alice
Not at all; she’s so extremely—
[The King, Queen and entire court enter. The Queen is near to Alice. The
music stops and all look at Alice questioningly.]
[Alice tries to propitiate the Queen.]
—likely to win,
[Music continues.]
that it’s hardly worth while finishing the game.
[Queen smiles and passes on.]

King
Who are you talking to?

Alice
It’s a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat—allow me to introduce it.

King
I don’t like the look of it at all; however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.

Cat
I’d rather not.

King
Don’t be impertinent and don’t look at me like that.

Alice
A cat may look at a king. I’ve read that in some book, but I don’t
remember where.

King
Well, it must be removed. My dear! I wish you would have this cat
removed.

Queen
Off with his head!

Knave
But you can’t cut off a head unless there’s a body to cut it off from.

King
Anything that has a head can be beheaded.

Queen
If something isn’t done about it in less than no time, I’ll have everybody
executed, all round.

Alice
It belongs to the Duchess; you’d better ask her about it.

Duchess
It’s a lie!

Cat
You’d better ask me. Do it if you can.
[It grins away. The Duchess and Frog escape into the house.]

Queen
Cut it off!

King
It’s gone.

Everybody
It’s gone! It’s gone! Where, where, where—

Queen
Cut it off. Cut them all off!

Everybody
No, no, no!

Alice
Save me, save me!

Knave
[Shouts to Alice and gives her a tart for safety.]
Take a tart!

Queen
[Seeing Alice stand out a moment from the others.]
Cut hers off! Cut hers off!

Others
[Glad to distract Queen’s attention from themselves.]
Cut hers off, cut hers off, cut—

Alice
[Cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trap door on the
stage Alice disappears down it, leaving the crowd circling around the hole
screaming and amazed. If the stage has no trap door, a bridge is built
across the footlights with stairs leading down into the orchestra pit. When
the crowd is chasing Alice she jumps over the footlights onto the bridge
and as the curtain is falling dividing her from the crowd she appeals to the
audience, “Save me, save me, who will save me?” and runs down the stairs
and disappears.]

CURTAIN

ACT III

SCENE ONE
Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a
large mushroom sits the Caterpillar smoking a hookah. Alice is whirling
about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom
timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the
mushroom, she gazes at the Caterpillar wonderingly. He looks at her lazily
and speaks in a languid voice.

Caterpillar
Who are you?

Alice
I—I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I’ve
had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know
who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been
changed several times since then.

Caterpillar
What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.

Alice
I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself, you see.
Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.

Caterpillar
You! Who are you?

Alice
I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.

Caterpillar
Why?
[As Alice turns away.]

Come back. I’ve something important to say.
[Alice comes back.]
Keep your temper.

Alice
Is that all?

Caterpillar
No.
[He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and
unfolds his arms.]
So you think you’re changed, do you?

Alice
I’m afraid I am, Sir; I don’t keep the same size.

Caterpillar
What size do you want to be?

Alice
I don’t know. At least I’ve never been so small as a caterpillar.

Caterpillar
[Rears angrily.]
It is a very good height indeed.

Alice
But I’m not used to it; I wish you wouldn’t all be so easily offended.

Caterpillar
You’ll get used to it in time.

Alice
Are you too big or am I too small?
[She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers.]

Caterpillar
[Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the
mushroom and crawls slowly away.]
One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow
shorter.

Alice
One side of what? The other side of what?

Caterpillar
Of the mushroom.
[Alice hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side.]
[Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint
cans.]

Two-Spot

Look out now, Five. Don’t go splashing paint over me like that.

Five-Spot
I couldn’t help it. Seven jogged my elbow.

Seven-Spot
That’s right, Five, always lay the blame on others.

Five-Spot
You’d better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved
to be beheaded.

Two-Spot
What for?

Seven-Spot
That’s none of your business, Two.

Five-Spot
Yes, it is his business, and I’ll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip
roots instead of onions.

Seven-Spot
Well, of all the unjust things—
[Sees Alice; others look around, all bow.]

Alice

Could you please tell me what side to eat?
[Five and Seven look at Two.]

Two-Spot
I don’t know anything about it.
[He paints a white rose, red.]
You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen
was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off.
[A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder.]

Alice
What’s that?

Five-Spot
The White Chess Queen.

Seven-Spot
Don’t let her see what we are doing.

Two-Spot
She’ll tell on us.

Seven-Spot
Run out and stop her from coming here.

Five-Spot

[To Alice as she runs to the right.]
No, no, the other way.

Alice
But she’s off there!

Two-Spot
You can only meet her by walking the other way.

Alice
Oh! what nonsense.

All the Gardeners
Go the other way!

Alice
[Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left.]
She’s running away from me.
[The White Queen backs in from right and Alice backs in from left. They
meet. The gardeners cry “The Queen” and throw themselves flat upon the
ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops.
Alice looks at the Queen curiously.]

Alice
Oh, there you are! Why, I’m just the size I was when I saw you last.

White Queen

Of course you are, and who are these? I can’t tell them by their backs.
[She turns them over with her foot.]
Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here?

Two-Spot
May it please your Majesty, we were trying—

White Queen
[Examines rose.]
I see! Begone, or I’ll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of
Hearts.
[Gardeners rush off. The Red Queen enters. Alice has gone to the
mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a
gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The
Queens watch Alice superciliously. Alice puts on her crown, proudly
exclaiming in great elation, “Queen Alice,” and walks down stage bowing
right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if
scarcely daring to believe it true, “Queen Alice.” Music stops.]

Red Queen
Ridiculous!

Alice
Isn’t this the Eighth Square?

Red Queen
You can’t be a Queen, you know, till you’ve passed the proper
examination.

White Queen
The sooner we begin it, the better.

Alice
Please, would you tell me—

Red Queen
Speak when you’re spoken to.

Alice
But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were
spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see
nobody would ever say anything, so that—

Red Queen
Preposterous.

Alice
I only said “if.”

Red Queen
She says she only said “if.”

White Queen
[Moans and wrings her hands.]
But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that.

Red Queen
So you did, you know; always speak the truth—think before you speak—
and write it down afterwards.

Alice
I’m sure I didn’t mean—

Red Queen
That’s just what I complained of. You should have meant! What do you
suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should
have some meaning—and a child’s more important than a joke, I hope.
You couldn’t deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Alice
I don’t deny things with my hands.

Red Queen
Nobody said you did. I said you couldn’t if you tried.

White Queen
She’s in that state of mind, that she wants to deny something—only she
doesn’t know what to deny!

Red Queen
A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice’s dinner party this afternoon.

White Queen

And I invite you.

Alice
I didn’t know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I
ought to invite the guests.

Red Queen
We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you’ve not had
many lessons in manners yet.

Alice
Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and
things of that sort.

White Queen
Can you do addition? What’s one and one and one and one and one and
one and one and one and one and one?

Alice
I don’t know. I lost count.

Red Queen
She can’t do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.

Alice
Nine from eight I can’t, you know, but—

White Queen
She can’t do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife—
what’s the answer to that?

Alice
I suppose—

Red Queen
[Answers for her.]
Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone
from a dog; what remains?

Alice
The bone wouldn’t remain, of course, if I took it—and the dog wouldn’t
remain; it would come to bite me—and I’m sure I shouldn’t remain.

Red Queen
Then you think nothing would remain?

Alice
I think that’s the answer.

Red Queen
Wrong as usual; the dog’s temper would remain.

Alice

But I don’t see how—

Red Queen
Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn’t it?

Alice
Perhaps it would.

Red Queen
Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!

Alice
They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we are talking.

Both Queens
She can’t do sums a bit!

Alice
Can you do sums?

White Queen
I can do addition, if you give me time—but I can’t do subtraction under
any circumstances.

Red Queen
Of course you know your A, B, C?

Alice
To be sure I do.

White Queen
So do I; we’ll often say it over together, dear. And I’ll tell you a secret—I
can read words of one letter. Isn’t that grand? However, don’t be
discouraged. You’ll come to it in time.

Red Queen
Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?

Alice
I know that! You take some flour—

White Queen
Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges?

Alice
Well, it isn’t picked at all. It’s ground—

White Queen
How many acres of ground? You mustn’t leave out so many things.

Red Queen
Fan her head! She’ll be feverish after so much thinking.
[They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly.]

Alice
Please—please—

Red Queen
She’s all right again now. Do you know languages? What’s the French for
fiddle-de-dee?

Alice
Fiddle-de-dee’s not English.

Red Queen
Who ever said it was?

Alice
If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I’ll tell you the French for
it!

Red Queen
Queens never make bargains!

Alice
I wish Queens never asked questions!

White Queen
Don’t let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning?

Alice
The cause of lightning is the thunder—no, no! I meant the other way.

Red Queen
It’s too late to correct it; when you’ve once said a thing, that fixes it, and
you must take the consequences.

White Queen
We had such a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can’t think.

Red Queen
She never could, you know.

White Queen
Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in—and it went
rolling round the room in great lumps—and knocking over the tables and
things—till I was so frightened, I couldn’t remember my own name!

Alice
I never should try to remember my name in the middle of an accident.
Where would be the use of it?

Red Queen
You must excuse her. She means well, but she can’t help saying foolish
things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it’s
amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how
pleased she’ll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do
wonders with her.

White Queen
[Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on Alice’s shoulder.]
I am so sleepy!

Red Queen
She’s tired, poor thing; smooth her hair—lend her your night cap—and
sing her a soothing lullaby.

Alice
I haven’t got a night cap with me, and I don’t know any soothing lullabies.

Larger Image

Alice: Do wake up, you heavy things!

Red Queen
I must do it myself, then.
Hush-a-by lady, in Alice’s lap!
Till the feast’s ready, we’ve time for a nap;
When the feast’s over, we’ll go to the ball—
Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all!
And now you know the words.
[She puts her head on Alice’s other shoulder.]

Just sing it through to me. I’m getting sleepy too.
[Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly.]

Alice
What am I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up,
you heavy things!
[All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on Alice and the queens.]

White Rabbit
[Blows trumpet off stage.]
The trial’s beginning!

Alice
What trial is it?

White Rabbit
Who stole the tarts.

Alice
I ate a tart.

White Rabbit
You’ve got to be tried.

Alice
I don’t want to be tried.

White Rabbit
You’ve got to be tried.

Alice
I won’t be tried—I won’t-I won’t!

SCENE TWO
Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of
creatures. The King and Queen of Hearts are seated on the throne. The
Knave is before them in chains. The White Rabbit has a trumpet in one
hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court
stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it.

White Rabbit
[Blows three blasts on his trumpet.]
Silence in the court!

Alice
[Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates.]
What are they doing? They can’t have anything to put down yet, before
the trial’s begun.

Knave
They’re putting down their names for fear they should forget them before
the end of the trial.

Alice
Stupid things!

White Rabbit
Silence in the court!

Jurors
[Write in chorus.]
Stupid things!

One Juror
How do you spell stupid?

Alice
A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial’s over.

Queen
There’s a pencil squeaking. Cut it down!

Jurors
[In chorus as they write.]
Squeaking—

King
[Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says.]

Herald, read the accusation!

White Rabbit
[Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to
music.]
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer day;
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,
And took them quite away!

King
Consider your verdict!

White Rabbit
Not yet, not yet; there’s a great deal to come before that.

King
Call the first witness.

White Rabbit
First witness!

Hatter
[Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the
other.]
I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn’t quite
finished my tea when I was sent for.

King
You ought to have finished; when did you begin?

Hatter
[Looks at the March Hare, who follows him arm-in-arm with the
Dormouse.]
Fourteenth of March, I think it was.

March Hare
Fifteenth.

Dormouse
Sixteenth.

King
Write that down.

Jury
Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen—forty-five. Reduce that to shillings—

King
Take off your hat.

Hatter
It isn’t mine.

King
Stolen!

Jury
Stolen!

Hatter

I keep them to sell. I’ve none of my own. I’m a hatter.

Queen of Hearts
[Puts on her spectacles and stares at Hatter, who fidgets uncomfortably.]

King
Give your evidence and don’t be nervous, or I’ll have you executed on the
spot.
[The Hatter continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks
uneasily at the Queen, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and
in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread
and butter.]

Hatter
I’m a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn’t but just begun my tea—not
above a week or so—and what with the bread and butter getting so thin—
and the twinkling of the tea—

King
The twinkling of what?

Hatter
It began with the tea.

King
Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!

Hatter

I’m a poor man and most things twinkled after that—only the March Hare
said—

March Hare
I didn’t!

Hatter
You did.

March Hare
I deny it.

King
He denies it; leave out that part.

Queen
But what did the Dormouse say?

Hatter
That I can’t remember.

King
You must remember or I’ll have you executed.

Hatter
[Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee.]

I’m a poor man, your Majesty.

King
If that’s all you know about it you may stand down.

Hatter
I can’t go no lower; I’m on the floor as it is.

King
Then you may sit down.

Hatter
I’d rather finish my tea.

King
You may go.
[The Hatter goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind.]

Queen
[Nonchalantly to an officer.]
And just take his head off outside.
[But the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door.]

King
Call the next witness!

White Rabbit
Next witness!
[The Duchess enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody
begins to sneeze. March Hare sneezes and rushes out.]

King
Give your evidence!

Duchess
Shan’t!

White Rabbit
Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.

King
Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of?

Duchess
Pepper.
[The Duchess shakes the pot and the court sneezes.]

Dormouse
Treacle!
[The Duchess shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time.]

Queen
Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of
court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!
[The whole court is in confusion, turning the Dormouse out, and while it is
settling down again the Duchess disappears.]

White Rabbit
The Duchess!

Court
She’s gone—she’s gone.

King
Never mind!
[In a low tone to the Queen.]
Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes
my forehead ache! Call the next witness!

White Rabbit
[Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice.]
Alice!

Alice
Here!

King

What do you know about this business?

Alice
Nothing whatever.

King
[To the jury.]
That’s very important.

White Rabbit
Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course.

King
Unimportant, of course I meant. Important—unimportant—unimportant—
important. Consider your verdict!
[Some of the jury write “important” and some write “unimportant.”]

White Rabbit
There’s more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has
just been picked up.

Queen
What’s in it?

White Rabbit
[Fumbles with a huge envelope.]

I haven’t opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner
to—to somebody.

King
It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn’t usual,
you know.

Alice
Who is it directed to?

White Rabbit
It isn’t directed at all; in fact, there’s nothing written on the outside.
[Takes out a tiny piece of paper.]
It isn’t a letter at all; it’s a set of verses.

Queen
Are they in the prisoner’s handwriting?
[The jury brightens up.]

White Rabbit
[Looks at the Knave’s hand. Knave hides his hand; the chains rattle.]
No, they’re not, and that’s the queerest thing about it.
[The jury looks puzzled.]

King
He must have imitated somebody else’s hand!

Knave
Please, your Majesty, I didn’t write it and they can’t prove I did; there’s no
name signed at the end.

King
If you didn’t sign it that only makes the matter worse. You must have
meant some mischief, or else you’d have signed your name like an honest
man.
[At this there is a general clapping of hands.]

Queen
That proves his guilt.

Alice
It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don’t even know what they’re
about.

King
Read them!

White Rabbit
[Puts on his monocle.]
Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?

King
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop.

White Rabbit
“They told me you had been to her,
And mentioned me to him;
She gave me a good character,
But said I could not swim.

“I gave her one, they gave him two,
You gave us three or more;
They all returned from him to you,
Though they were mine before.

“My notion was that you had been
(Before she had this fit)
An obstacle that came between
Him, and ourselves, and it.

“Don’t let him know she liked him best,
For this must ever be
A secret, kept from all the rest,
Between yourself and me.”

King
That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet; so now let
the jury—

Alice
If anyone of them can explain it, I’ll give him sixpence. I don’t believe
there’s an atom of meaning in it.

Jury
She doesn’t believe there’s an atom of meaning in it.

King
If there’s no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we
needn’t try to find any. And yet I don’t know.
[Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them.]
I seem to see some meaning after all. “Said I could not swim.” You can’t
swim, can you?

Knave
[Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit.]
Do I look like it?

King
All right, so far; “We know it to be true,” that’s the jury, of course; “I gave
her one, they gave him two” why that must be what he did with the tarts,
you know—

Alice
But it goes on “they all returned from him to you.”

King
[Triumphantly pointing to the tarts.]
Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, “before
she had this fit,” you never had fits, my dear, I think?

Queen
Never!

King
Then the words don’t fit you.
[There is dead silence, while the King looks around at the court with a
smile.]

King
It’s a pun!
[Everybody laughs. Music.]

King
Let the jury consider their verdict.

Queen
No, no! Sentence first—verdict afterwards.

Alice
Stuff and nonsense!

Queen
[Furiously.]
Hold your tongue!

Alice
I won’t!

Queen
Off with her head!

Alice
Who cares for you?

Queen
Cut it off!

Alice
You’re nothing but a pack of cards!
[As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as
if petrified.]
CURTAIN

SCENE THREE
[The curtain rises to show Alice still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the
grate suffusing her with its glow.]

Carroll
Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea.
[Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, “Off with
her head,” “Consider your verdict,” “Oh! my fur and whiskers”; the
Duchess sneezes, the cat cries, as if the characters were fading away into

the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all over
Alice. There is music.]

Alice
[Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment.]
Why——it was a dream!
CURTAIN

Text of title page:
Alice
in
Wonderland
A dramatization of Lewis Carroll’s
“Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland” and
“Through the Looking Glass”
by
Alice Gerstenberg
Author of
“The Conscience of Sarah Platt”,
“Unquenched Fire,” “A Little World,” etc.
Chicago
A.C.Mc.Clurg & Co.
1915

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALICE IN
WONDERLAND ***

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