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Title: The Adventures of Roderick Random

Author: T. Smollett

Release date: May 1, 2003 [eBook #4085]
Most recently updated: December 23, 2025

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4085

Credits: Tapio Riikonen and David Widger

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE
ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM ***

The Adventures of Roderick
Random

by Tobias Smollett

Contents

THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE
APOLOGUE
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER V.
CHAPTER VI.
CHAPTER VII.
CHAPTER VIII.
CHAPTER IX.
CHAPTER X.
CHAPTER XI.
CHAPTER XII.
CHAPTER XIII.
CHAPTER XIV.
CHAPTER XV.
CHAPTER XVI.
CHAPTER XVII.
CHAPTER XVIII.
CHAPTER XIX.
CHAPTER XX.
CHAPTER XXI.
CHAPTER XXII.
CHAPTER XXIII.
CHAPTER XXIV.

CHAPTER XXV.
CHAPTER XXVI.
CHAPTER XXVII.
CHAPTER XXVIII.
CHAPTER XXIX.
CHAPTER XXX.
CHAPTER XXXI.
CHAPTER XXXII.
CHAPTER XXXIII.
CHAPTER XXXIV.
CHAPTER XXXV.
CHAPTER XXXVI.
CHAPTER XXXVII.
CHAPTER XXXVIII.
CHAPTER XXXIX.
CHAPTER XL.
CHAPTER XLI.
CHAPTER XLII.
CHAPTER XLIII.
CHAPTER XLIV.
CHAPTER XLV.
CHAPTER XLVI.
CHAPTER XLVII.
CHAPTER XLVIII.
CHAPTER XLIX.
CHAPTER L.
CHAPTER LI.
CHAPTER LII.
CHAPTER LIII.
CHAPTER LIV.
CHAPTER LV.
CHAPTER LVI.

CHAPTER LVII.
CHAPTER LVIII.
CHAPTER LIX.
CHAPTER LX.
CHAPTER LXI.
CHAPTER LXII.
CHAPTER LXIII.
CHAPTER LXIV.
CHAPTER LXV.
CHAPTER LXVI.
CHAPTER LXVII.
CHAPTER LXVIII.
CHAPTER LXIX.

THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE

Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally
improving, as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally, in the course
of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to life, and by
representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing point of view,
invests them with all the graces of novelty, while nature is appealed to in
every particular. The reader gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the
adventures of a person in whose favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his
cause, he sympathises with him in his distress, his indignation is heated
against the authors of his calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the
contrast between dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with greater
aggravation, and every impression having a double force on the
imagination, the memory retains the circumstance, and the heart improves
by the example. The attention is not tired with a bare catalogue of
characters, but agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the
vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an ample
field for wit and humour.
Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and superstition.
In the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered himself famous for
wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed themselves of his
superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and represented his character and
person as sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily swallowed the bait,
implored his protection, and yielded the tribute of homage and praise, even
to adoration; his exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand
exaggerations; they were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours
were paid, and altars erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those
who attempted to imitate his example; and hence arose the heathen
mythology, which is no other than a collection of extravagant romances. As
learning advanced, and genius received cultivation, these stories were
embellished with the graces of poetry, that they might the better recommend

themselves to the attention; they were sung in public, at festivals, for the
instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed before battle, as
incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were born,
and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no wonder that the
ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so many
remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best poets; we therefore find
no romance among them during the era of their excellence, unless the
Cyropædia of Xenophon may be so called; and it was not till arts and
sciences began to revive after the irruption of the barbarians into Europe,
that anything of this kind appeared. But when the minds of men were
debauched by the imposition of priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of
credulity, the authors of romance arose, and losing sight of probability,
filled their performances with the most monstrous hyperboles. If they could
not equal the ancient poets in point of genius they were resolved to excel
them in fiction, and apply to the wonder, rather than the judgment, of their
readers. Accordingly, they brought necromancy to their aid, and instead of
supporting the character of their heroes by dignity of sentiment and
practice, distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity, and
extravagance of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and
unnatural than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and
admirers; and the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of
knight-errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule,
reformed the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point of
view, and converting romance to purposes far more useful and entertaining,
by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies of ordinary life.
The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French
authors, and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in
his Adventures of Gil Blas, has described the knavery and foibles of life,
with infinite humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have modelled on
his plan, taking me liberty, however, to differ from him in the execution,
where I thought his particular situations were uncommon, extravagant, or
peculiar to the country in which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Blas
are, for the most part, such as rather excite mirth than compassion; he
himself laughs at them; and his transitions from distress to happiness, or at
least ease, are so sudden, that neither the reader has time to pity him, nor
himself to be acquainted with affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not
only deviates from probability, but prevents that generous indignation,

which ought to animate the reader against the sordid and vicious disposition
of the world. I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling with
every difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want
of experience, as well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base
indifference of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have
allowed him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series of
his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in his
behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended at the mean
scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself that the judicious will not
only perceive the necessity of describing those situations to which he must
of course be confined, in his low estate, but also find entertainment in
viewing those parts of life, where the humours and passions are undisguised
by affectation, ceremony, or education; and the whimsical peculiarities of
disposition appear as nature has implanted them. But I believe I need not
trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by the best writers in this
way, some of whom I have already named.
Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not deviated
from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main, although the
circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal satire.
It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of this
work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a small expense,
bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and
character required, which could not possibly be obtained in England, by
such slender means as the nature of my plan would afford. In the next place,
I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom,
with more propriety than in any place near the capital; and lastly, the
disposition of the Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in
deriving an adventurer from that country. That the delicate reader may not
be offended at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths of
some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to promise, that I imagined
nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of such miserable
expletives, than a natural and verbal representation of the discourse in
which they occur.

APOLOGUE

A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass; and
to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished every figure
by some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude
of an old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl perched upon the handle of a
coffee-pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper; and
the ass, ornamented with a huge tie-wig (which, however, could not conceal
his long ears), sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the
implements of painting. This whimsical group afforded some mirth, and
met with general approbation, until some mischievous wag hinted that the
whole—was a lampoon upon the friends of the performer; an insinuation
which was no sooner circulated than those very people who applauded it
before began to be alarmed, and even to fancy themselves signified by the
several figures of the piece.
Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army
with reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to the
lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, “Hark ye, Mr. Monkey,”
said he, “I have a good mind to convince you, that though the bear has lost
his teeth, he retains his paws, and that he is not so drunk but he can perceive
your impertinence.” “Sblood! sir, that toothless jaw is a d—ned scandalous
libel—but don’t you imagine me so chopfallen as not to be able to chew the
cud of resentment.” Here he was interrupted by the arrival of a learned
physician, who, advancing to the culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed,
“Suppose the augmentation of the ass’s ears should prove the diminution of
the baboon’s—nay, seek not to prevaricate, for, by the beard of
Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig that will not stand up in
judgment to convict thee of personal abuse. Do but observe, captain, how
this pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls—the colour, indeed, is
different, but then the form and foretop are quite similar.” While he thus

remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a venerable senator entered, and
waddling up to the delinquent, “Jackanapes!” cried he, “I will now let thee
see I can read something else than a newspaper, and that without the help of
spectacles: here is your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had
not advanced, you yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to
show your face by day, you ungrateful slanderous knave!”
In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to give
offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed the resemblance
was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with insolence, malice,
and ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard by the public, the
captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl, to his dying
day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember this
example “while thou art employed in the perusal of the following sheets;
and seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally belongs to five
hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet with a character that reflects
thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel; consider that one
feature makes not a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by
a bottle nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament.”

THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM

CHAPTER I

Of my Birth and Parentage

I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of my
grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on
many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and was
remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great
success in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he
had a singular aversion.
My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who
lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her
privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her pregnancy, a
dream discomposed my mother so much that her husband, tired with her
importunity, at last consulted a highland seer, whose favourable
interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe, but found him
incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the
devil (who, to her great surprise, acted the part of a midwife) struck so
forcibly with a racket that it disappeared in an instant; and she was for some
time inconsolable for the lost of her offspring; when, all on a sudden, she
beheld it return with equal violence, and enter the earth, beneath her feet,
whence immediately sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the
scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke. The
attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their
firstborn would be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers
and difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would
flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will
appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person informed
my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son and
housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days after, he told my
father it was high time for him to think of settling; and that he had provided
a match for him, to which he could in justice have no objections. My father,

finding it would be impossible to conceal his situation much longer, frankly
owned what he had done; and excused himself for not having asked the
consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose;
and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken
such measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his
power: he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue,
birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his care.
The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in excellent order,
heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly asked, how he
proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he could be in no
danger of wanting while his father’s tenderness remained, which he and his
wife should always cultivate with the utmost veneration; and he was
persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances
of his family, and to the provision already made for his brothers and sisters,
who were happily settled under his protection. “Your brothers and sisters,”
said my grandfather, “did not think it beneath them to consult me in an
affair of such importance as matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have
omitted that piece of duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the
comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out
another habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send
you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a view
of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a polite
gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of joy, and
am your very humble servant.”
So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, he
did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his father’s
disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of
him; and his resolves being as invariable as the laws of the Medes and
Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and
entreaties; so without any farther application, he betook himself, with his
disconsolate bedfellow to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother
dwelt: there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the
elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless
my father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible
parent but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which she must
have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and her pregnancy
was very far advanced), without communicating her design to her husband,

went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and
condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event
which was now irrecoverably past.
She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an
unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grievances,
it being my grandfather’s particular province to decide in all cases of
scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence, where,
discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most affecting manner
implored his forgiveness; at the same time representing the danger that
threatened not only her life, but that of his own grandchild, which was
about to see the light. He told her he was sorry that the indiscretion of her
and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power
to give them any assistance; that he had already imparted his thoughts on
that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his
peace with any farther importunity. This said, he retired.
The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her
constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of childbed; and
had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity
and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grandfather’s displeasure, she
and the innocent fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable victims to
his rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this poor woman she was
carried up to a garret, and immediately delivered of a man child, the story
of whose unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father, being
informed of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse,
and while he loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear
shedding a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for
whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched
upon a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the
inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old gentleman
was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know nothing of the
matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when one of his
grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with him as his heir
apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to observe
no medium, but immediately (on the third day after her delivery) sent her a
peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the servant who had preserved
her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father that he had recourse to the
most dreadful imprecations; and on his bare knees implored that Heaven

would renounce him if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity of his
sire.
The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in
such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, together
with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing
disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly,
was so affected with her death that he remained six weeks deprived of his
senses; during which time, the people where he lodged carried the infant to
the old man who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy story of his
daughter-in-law’s death, and the deplorable condition of his son, as to send
the child to nurse, and he ordered my father to be carried home to his house,
where he soon recovered the use of his reason.
Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of
his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his character
would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his
conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a profound
melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all
imaginable inquiry, could not be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed
most people in the opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of
despair. How I understood the particulars of my birth will appear in the
course of these memoirs.

CHAPTER II

I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—
neglected by my Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—
seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals against the Pedant—
am debarred Access to my Grandfather—hunted by his Heir
—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor

There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being
concerned in my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share
in the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by
reflecting that in all his calamities they never discovered the least
inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their
power, fed his resentment and supported his resolution of leaving him to
misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle
chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as to consult their
interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate of my father would
have extended to me too whose life was another obstacle to their
expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I strongly resembled my
father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their
indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a weak resource
against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who the more my infancy
promised, conceived the more implacable hatred against me: and before I
was six years of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather that I
never saw him but by stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he
sat to view his labourers in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my
head, bid me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me.
I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been
dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor supplied
me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my condition was
very ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of

my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no concern about the
progress I made under his instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and
disgraces, I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and, as soon as I
could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree
that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing such pains
on my education, telling him that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows
for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his
head.
The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his patron,
assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his own genius
and application than to any instruction or encouragement he received; that,
although he could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed,
unless he would empower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour,
with God’s help, to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he
punctually performed what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had
written impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made
with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my
right hand, and fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as
effectually debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed
from in a few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me
and another boy; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so
incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my machine I
cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and schoolfellows, who
left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had
happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass that, were I to live to
the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on me would not be effaced;
the more than the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant
who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced in
all who saw me, the continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own
haughty disposition, impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand
troublesome adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of a
vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing
orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing
gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a

stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that I
fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window; though my landlady
and the whole family bore witness that I was abed fast asleep at the time
when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for having narrowly
escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in which I was passenger.
Another time, for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and
cart running over me. A third time, for being bitten by a baker’s dog. In
short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the correction and sympathy of
this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.
Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation
triumphed over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience;
and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the
injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon
genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my father
in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics, writing, and
arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was allowed by
everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This qualification, together
with the boldness of temper and strength of make which had subjected
almost all my contemporaries, gave me such influence over them that I
began to form cabals against my persecutor; and was in hope of being able
to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the head of a faction,
consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I was determined to
put their mettle to trial, that I might know how far they were to be depended
upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we
attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of
the ground allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were
then playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my
adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight
by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us.
This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in
frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones at a distance,
wherein I received many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our
enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these alarms that they at last
abandoned their conquest, and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our
own territories.
It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the course
of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; insomuch

that, when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly
courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known)
to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took
the advantage of every play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to
whom I seldom found access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a
numerous family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually
quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the
common enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded
nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else,
notwithstanding his grandfather’s indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him
at home; who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This
young Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in
distress, never sat eyes on me without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting
me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for shelter. In this
Christian amusement he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt,
took such opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing,
that the old gentleman, according to the course of nature, had not long to
live, for he was already on the verge of fourscore.
The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one
day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house,
where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent
marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth, and
effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.

CHAPTER III

My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description
of him—he goes along with me to the House of my
Grandfather—is encountered by his Dogs—defeats them,
after a bloody Engagement—is admitted to the old
Gentleman—a Dialogue between them

About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being
informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender
finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the
present, but resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed on my
grandfather to settle something handsome for the future. This was a task to
which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not only of the
judge’s disposition, but also of the ways of men in general, to which his
education on board had kept him an utter stranger.
He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that
of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood the
most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier’s
coat altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel jacket, a pair of red
breeches spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted stockings, large silver
buckles that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose
crown overlooked the brims about an inch and a half, black bobwig in
buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle,
girded to his thigh by a furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under his
arm. Thus equipped, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very
decent appearance) for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by
Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our
approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was
about to betake myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one

hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar
sprawling on the ground; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in
the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger,
wheeled about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler’s head from his body.
By this time, the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with pitchforks
and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found
breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at the death of his
favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and take vengeance on
their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and reproaches his
anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle stepped forwards with an
undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody weapons his antagonists fell
back with precipitation, when he accosted their leader thus:
“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation,
what I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us
shoot a head, clear of you.”
Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or
was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I
know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came up
with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, putting himself in a posture
of defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you lubberly son of a w—e, if you
come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread work. I’ll be foul of your quarter,
d—n me.”
This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check
the progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him,
perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him
to decide the contention by himself.
Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking,
“Who the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I
suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall
escape, sirrah—I’ll have you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your blood shall pay
for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted with
them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you!”
“None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,” replied my uncle, “else I
shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with an oaken
towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he sheathed his hanger, and grasped his
cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being alarmed, one of my

female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter. “The
matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great matter, young woman; I have
business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, won’t allow me to
come alongside of him,” that’s all. After a few minutes pause we were
admitted, and conducted to my grandfather’s chamber through a lane of my
relations, who honoured me with very significant looks as I passed along.
When we came into the judge’s presence my uncle, after two or three sea-
bows, expressed himself in this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What
cheer, father? what cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you
don’t. My name is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did
not know him neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his
cloth don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y
see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t
lay a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My grandfather (who was laid up
with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with that
coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see
him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief
stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I desire nothing of you; but, if you
have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who has been
used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do I call it? I am sure the Moors
in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their little ones to want. I
would fain know why my sister’s son is more neglected than that there fair-
weather Jack” (pointing to the young squire, who with the rest of my
cousins had followed us into the room). “Is not he as near akin to you as the
other? Is he not much handsomer and better built than that great
chucklehead? Come, come, consider, old gentleman, you are going in a
short time to give an account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs
you did his father, and make all the satisfaction in your power before it be
too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his father’s portion on him.”
The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to
contain themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my
protector—“Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude, impertinent
fellow, did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s brat had been too
well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not make a difference between
an unnatural, rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children, who took his
advice in all things;” and such expressions were vented against him with
great violence; until the judge at length commanded silence. He calmly

rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said he would
excuse on account of his education: he told him he had been very kind to
the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight years, although he was
informed he made no progress in his learning but was addicted to all
manner of vice, which he rather believed, because he himself was witness
to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his
chaplain. But, however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him
apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his
manners, and behave for the future as became him.
The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered
my grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost
him nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish him
with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it was not much to
be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet whoever told him
so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keel-haul’d; for though
he (the lieutenant) did not understand those matters himself, he was well
informed as how Rory was the best scholar of his age in all the country; the
truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-
year’s pay on the boy’s head—with these words he pulled out his purse, and
challenged the company: “Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but
rather, left like a wreck, d’ye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather, by
your neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am
only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel’s brains instead of his
teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in
Greenland, that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the lad
apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of him—
would you? I had rather see him hang’d, d’ye see. Come along, Rory, I
perceive how the land lies, my boy—let’s tack about, i’faith—while I have
a shilling you shan’t want a tester. B’we, old gentleman; you’re bound for
the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for the voyage.” Thus
ended our visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses
all the way against the old shark and the young fry that surrounded him.

CHAPTER IV

My Grandfather makes his Will—our second Visit—he Dies
—his Will is read in Presence of all his living Descendants
—the Disappointment of my female Cousins—my Uncle’s
Behaviour

A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, at
the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a
notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to
his stomach, and, being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to
see all his descendants without exception. In obedience to this summons,
my uncle set out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of
my grandfather: often repeating by the road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up
the old hulk at last. You shall see—you shall see the effect of my
admonition,” When we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his
relations, we advanced to the bedside, where we found him in his last
agonies, supported by two of his granddaughters, who sat on each side of
him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it
gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great
anguish and affection. My uncle approached him with these words, “What!
he’s not a-weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have
mercy upon your poor sinful soul!” Upon which, the dying man turned his
languid eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on—“Here’s poor Roy
come to see you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man!
don’t despair, you have been a great sinner, ’tis true,—what then? There’s a
righteous judge above, an’t there? He minds me no more than a porpoise.
Yes, yes, he’s a-going; the land crabs will have him, I see that! his anchor’s
a-peak, i’faith.” This homely consolation scandalised the company so much,
and especially the parson, who probably thought his province invaded, that
we were obliged to retire into another room, where, in a few minutes, we

were convinced of my grandfather’s decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the
young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found
his heir, who had retired a little before into a closet, under pretence of
giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance beslubbered with
tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead? “Dead!” (says my uncle,
looking, at the body) “ay, ay, I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd’s
fish! now my dream is out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the
forecastle, and saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that
floated alongside, and the devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the
likeness of a blue bear—who, d’ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass
and carried it to the bottom in his claws.” “Out upon thee, reprobate” cries
the parson “out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his
honour’s soul is in the possession of Satan?” The clamour immediately
arose, and my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of the room to
the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would
turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had the title to send him
adrift. “None of your tricks upon travellers,” said he; “mayhap old Bluff has
left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his
miserable soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better news. I’d soon make him a
clear shin, I warrant you.” To avoid any further disturbance, one of my
grandfather’s executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his
nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed
after the funeral for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all
his relations; till which time every desk and cabinet in the house should
remain close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this
ceremony, which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the
meantime, orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in
which number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept
of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his
memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of people, with regard
to the old gentleman’s will, were various: as it was well known, he had,
besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six or seven
thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real estate
(which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom he
always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided
between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were of
opinion, that, as the rest of the children had been already provided for, he

would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his
granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his
unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and the
will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and gestures
formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an unconcerned
spectator. But, the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and
mortification that appeared, when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young
squire sole heir of all his grandfather’s estate, personal and real. My uncle,
who had listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the
while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that
alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female
competitors, who had been always very officious about my grandfather’s
person, inquired, with a faltering accent and visage as yellow as an orange,
“if there were no legacies?” and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which
she fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so
sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution, though not
without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as
that which appeared in them at the old gentleman’s death. My conductor,
after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began:
“So there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an old succubus; but somebody’s
soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the parish, who was one of the
executors, and had acted as ghostly director to the old man, no sooner heard
this exclamation than he cried out, “Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt
thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest in peace?” But this zealous
pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young
ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having
acted the part of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he had
certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not
have neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was
much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not
murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a
black badger (so he termed the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who was
not in a humour to relish this amusement, replied, “You and your dogs may
be damn’d. I suppose you’ll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of
hell. Come, Rory,—about ship, my lad, we must steer another course, I
think.” And away we went.

CHAPTER V

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of
Revenge, in which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the
Village—am settled at a University by his Generosity

On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the
space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of “Why
should we quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted all the while
into a most formidable frown. At length his pace increased to such a degree
that I was left behind a considerable way: then he waited for me; and when
I was almost up with him, called out in a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme!
must I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of
me by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature (of which he had a
great share) and reflection getting the better of his he said, “Come, my boy,
don’t be cast down,—the old rascal is in hell, that’s some satisfaction; you
shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin pair of breeches
goes through the world, brave boys, as the song goes—eh!” Though this
proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering my
aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I had in the world; and
he was so much a seaman that he never dreamt I could have had any
objection to his design; consequently gave himself no trouble in consulting
my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropped, by the device of our
usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities to balk my
genius, which would certainly one day make my fortune on shore, provided
it received due cultivation. Upon which, this generous tar determined
(though he could ill afford it) to give me university education; and
accordingly settled my board and other expenses, at a town not many miles
distant, famous for its colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But,
before the day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the
fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint,

and not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest,
as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught out of
charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against the memory of
the judge (who by the by had procured that settlement for him), hinting, in
pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was damned to all eternity
for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning.
This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone
made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue.
Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their promises
to stand by me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon preceding to the
day of our departure for the University, I resolved to take the advantage of
the usher’s going out to make water (which he regularly did at four
o’clock), and shut the great door, that he might not come to the assistance of
his superior. This being done, the assault was to be begun by my advancing
to my master and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of the
strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their business was to
join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and
his bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his own birch, which we proposed
to wrest from him in his struggle; but if we should find him too many for us
all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors, who should
be ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be undertaken for the
master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was called Jeremy Gawky,
son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of
the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which had given shoemakers to
the village time out of mind. I had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging
into a river and dragging him on shore, when he was on the point of being
drowned. I had often rescued him from the clutches of those whom his
insufferable arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not able to
sustain; and many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing
his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a
particular regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed
from a voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on
many occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same service
that I had rendered Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his own; and
often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he suffered
severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the punishment. These two
champions were the more willing to engage in this enterprise, because they

intended to leave the school next day, as well as I; the first being ordered by
his father to return into the country, and the other being bound apprentice to
his barber, at a market town not far off.
In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to
me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I
could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he
heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of
spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid.
At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, “No, no, z—ds! that won’t do
neither; howsoever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say, i’faith;
but lookee, lookee, how do you propose to get clear off—won’t the enemy
give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he will, I warrant, and alarm the whole
coast; ah! God help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that
—leave the whole to me. I’ll show him the foretopsail, I will. If so be your
shipmates are jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see;
egad, I’ll play him such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him to the gangway and
anoint him with a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled,
my lad, he shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We were very
proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the
instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he
ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day before our attempt,
and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At
length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the
usher’s absence, bolted in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of
the pedant by his collar who bawled out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice
of a Stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was
no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to
our assistance. Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing
me leap upon the master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which
pulling with all his force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the
ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under
the influence of a universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and
insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole school
joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself shut out,
endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to procure
admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he would let him
in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that place, it should fare the

worse with the son of a bitch his superior, on whom he intended only to
bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous usage of Rory,
“to which,” said he, “you are no stranger.” By this time we had dragged the
criminal to a post, to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided
on purpose; after having secured his hands and stripped his back. In this
ludicrous posture he stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who
crowded about him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the
sight), venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching
his scholars with treachery and rebellion; when the usher was admitted,
whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe
you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a respect for you—but for all
that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a short time.”
With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest
man no sooner saw than he protested with great earnestness he would allow
no violence to be offered to him, at the same time accusing me of perfidy
and ingratitude. But Bowling representing that it was in vain to resist, and
that he did not mean to use him with violence and indecency, but only to
hinder him from raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out
of their power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he
sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle,
having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him,
that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of his soul,
which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and dexterity. This
smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors gave him such
exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed, and
blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself
sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words: “Now,
friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have to live; I have given
you a lesson that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have
more sympathy for the future. Shout, boys, shout!”
This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should
quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house,
about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer being
joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to
accompany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain, telling my
benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. “Well, well, old surly,”
replied my uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an honest fellow

notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our
schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying he dismissed the boys, and locking the
door, left the two preceptors to console one another; while we moved
forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated
according to his promise.
We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about
ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next
day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the accommodations
provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had
married a distant relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle set
out for his ship, having settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and
education.

CHAPTER VI

I make great progress in my Studies—am caressed by
Everybody—my female Cousins take notice of me—I reject
their Invitation—they are incensed, and conspire against me
—am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls my Uncle—
Gawky’s Treachery—my Revenge

As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious
situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect
me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one man, who
was not only exposed by his profession to continual dangers, which might
one day deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt) subject to those
vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune usually creates, or
which a better acquaintance with the world might produce; for I always
ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a
commerce with mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to
apply myself with great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my
power: this I did with such success that, in the space of three years, I
understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics,
and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy: logic I made no account
of; but, above all things, I valued myself on my taste in the belles lettres,
and a talent for poetry, which had already produced some pieces that had
met with a favourable reception. These qualifications, added to a good face
and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable
people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree of
favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune to one of my
amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least preserved, by gratifying
their propensity to scandal, in lampooning their rivals.
Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since the
death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided between

them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the
richest toasts in town; and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and
cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them
with the most supercilious contempt, my character now attracted their
notice so much that I was given to understand I might be honoured with
their acquaintance, if I pleased.
The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed
from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice,
or at least of screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which
they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph with great
satisfaction, and not only rejected their offer with disdain, but in all my
performances, whether satire or panegyric, industriously avoided
mentioning their names, even while I celebrated those of their intimates:
this neglect mortified their pride exceedingly and incensed them to such a
degree that they were resolved to make me repent of my indifference. The
first stroke of their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to
write verses against me, the subject of which was my own poverty, and the
catastrophe of my unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of the
composition (of which they themselves were ashamed), they did not find
their account in endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes which
they and their relations had brought upon me; and which consequently
reflected much more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the
innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice.
Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young
gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and so
effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that this enraged lover
determined to seize me next night as I returned to my lodgings from a
friend’s house that I frequented: with this view, he waited in the street,
attended by two of his companions, to whom he had imparted his design of
carrying me down to the river, in which proposed to have me heartily
ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the weather, it being then about the
middle of December. But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised
of their ambush, I got home another way, and by the help of my landlord’s
apprentice, discharged a volley from the garret window, which did great
execution upon them, and next day occasioned so much mirth at their
expense that they found themselves under a necessity of leaving the town,
until the adventure should be entirely forgotten.

My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not, however,
desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a
possibility of forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing its
effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I patiently
submitted to their rancour, and borne without murmuring the rigour of their
unreasonable hate; for I have found by experience, that though small
favours may be acknowledged and slight injuries atoned, there is no wretch
so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged, and no enemy
so implacable as those who have done you the greatest wrong. These good-
natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme which conspired with
a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction
they desired: this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and
confidant, who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the
particulars of my small amours, which they published with such
exaggerations that I suffered very much in the opinion of everybody, and
was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had been called in
question.
While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might
not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends,
I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered, when I went
home to my dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth,
and fixed her eyes on the ground, told me her husband had received a letter
from Mr. Bowling, with one inclosed for me. She was very sorry for what
had happened, both for my sake and his own—people should be more
cautious of their conduct—she was always afraid his brutal behaviour
would bring him into some misfortune or other. As for her part, she should
be very ready to befriend me; but she had a small family of her own to
maintain. The world would do nothing for her if she should come to want—
charity begins at home: she wished I had been bound to some substantial
handicraft, such as a weaver or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my
time in learning foolish nonsense, that would never bring me in a penny but
some folks are wise, and some are otherwise.
I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when
her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the letters
into my hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

‘To Mr. Roger Potion
‘Sir,
‘This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder
man of war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my
captain, which I did fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in
the Island of Hispaniola; having received his fire and
returned it, which went through his body: and I would serve
the best man so that ever stepped between stem and stern, if
so be that he struck me, as Captain Oakum did. I am (thank
God) safe among the French, who are very civil, though I
don’t understand their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a
little time, for all the great friends and parliamentary interest
of the captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal an
account of the whole affair, with our bearings and distances
while we were engaged, whereby I have desired him to lay it
before his majesty, who (God bless him) will not suffer an
honest tar to be wronged. My love to your spouse, and am

‘Your loving friend and servant to command, while
‘Thomas Bowling,’

‘To Roderick Random
‘Dear Rory,
‘Don’t be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book,
my lad. I have got no money to send you, but what of that?
Mr. Potion will take care of you for the love he bears to me,
and let you want for nothing; and it shall go hard but I will
see him one day repaid. No more at present, but rests

‘Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death,
‘Thomas Bowling.’

This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Louis, in
Hispaniola) I had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his head,
began: “I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that’s certain; and could
be well content—but times are very hard. There’s no such thing as money to
be got; I believe ’tis all vanished under ground, for my part. Besides, I have
been out of pocket already, having entertained you since the beginning of

this month, without receiving a sixpence, and God knows if ever I shall; for
I believe it will go hard with your uncle. And more than that, I was thinking
of giving you warning, for I want your apartment for a new prentice, whom
I expect from the country every hour. So I desire you will this week provide
yourself with another lodging.”
The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to support
my reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean selfish
disposition so much that I would rather starve than be beholden to him for
one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket money, I paid him to the
last farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep another
night under his roof.
This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without knowing
whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable of
relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a
few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bedroom, at
the rate of one shilling and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay
per advance, before the landlord would receive me: thither I removed my
luggage; and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and
assistance of a person who had on all occasions loaded me with caresses
and made frequent offers of friendship, while I was under no necessity of
accepting them. He received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on
my breakfasting with him, a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. But
when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted
that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition
and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and
benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for, recovering
himself from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my misfortune,
and desired to know what had passed between my landlord, Mr. Potion, and
me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I repeated the
answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving
his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed, “Is it
possible you could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so kindly
all along?”
My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might be;
and I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine he
would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought to be

expelled from every social community. This heat of mine gave him all the
advantage he desired over me, and our discourse, after much altercation,
concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that place; to which
desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that, had I been as well
acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he never should have
had an opportunity of making that request. And thus we parted.
On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had
sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing,
fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him since his
arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing
him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small supply of
money, to answer my present expense; upon which he pulled out a handful
of halfpence with a shilling or two among them, and swore that was all he
had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day he having lost the greatest part
of his allowance the night before at billiards. Though this assertion might
very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference: for he
neither expressed any sympathy for my mishap nor desire of alleviating my
distress; and accordingly I left him without uttering one word: but, when I
afterwards understood that he was the person who had formerly betrayed
me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings
of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and
exultation, I determined with myself to call him to a severe account for
which purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to
meet me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of
punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the
invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without feeling
considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked me in
cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, the shame of retracting,
and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear;
and I appeared on the plain with a good grace: there I waited an hour
beyond the time appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he had no mind
to meet me, because I should have an opportunity of exposing his
cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly
wheresoever I should find, without any dread of the consequence.
Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of
my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where I was
informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less

than an hour after he had received my billet; and I was vain enough to have
the whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold laced
hat to my landlord for less than half-price, to defray the expenses and
contribute to my subsistence.

CHAPTER VII

I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I
acquire the Art of Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—
become necessary to him—an Accident happens—he
advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with
Money—I set out for London

The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my
success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and
avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a
solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme or protection of
Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite stupified, when I was
one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me at a certain public-house,
whither immediately I repaired; and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot
Crab, a surgeon in town, who was engaged with two more in drinking a
liquor called pop-in, composed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart
of small beer. Before I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will
not be disagreeable to the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for
me, and mention some circumstances of his character and conduct which
may illustrate what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.
This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and ten
round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much of the
complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn, was
swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his
little gray eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner that, while he
looked a person full in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring
the buckle of his shoe. He had long entertained an implacable resentment
against Potion, who, though a younger practitioner, was better employed
than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure, whereby he
disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel

which was at one time upon the point of being made up, by the interposition
and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of
reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing to
meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from
invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips,
prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation.
The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I
received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have
expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired
into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which when I had
related, he said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a sneaking dog! I always
thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me, a canting scoundrel, who has
crept into business by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a—e of every
body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another, “one might see with half an eye that the
rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so regularly to church.”
This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that
Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of
the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer an
hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in these
words: “Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I’ll do for
you. You may send your things to my house when you please. I have given
orders for your reception. Zounds! What does the booby stare at? If you
have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d
—d.” I answered with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his
friendly offer, which I would immediately accept, as soon as he should
inform me on what footing I was to be entertained. “What footing! D—n
my blood,” cried he, “d’ye expect to have a footman and a couple of horses
kept for you?” “No, sir,” I replied, “my expectations are not quite so
sanguine. That I may be as little burthensome as possible, I would willingly
serve in your shop, by which means I may save you the expense of a
journeyman, or porter at least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having
employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived
with Mr. Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have
studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you did,” says Crab.
“Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in books, I
suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days on points of
my profession. You can already account for muscular motion, I warrant, and

explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha! You are too learned for
me, d—n me. But let’s have no more of this stuff. Can you blood and give a
clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare a potion?” Upon my answering in the
affirmative, he shock his head, telling me, he believed he should have little
good of me, for all my promises; but, however, he would take me in for the
sake of charity. I was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and
had an apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up
with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this change of
circumstances.
I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive
me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by exposing
the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own generosity, which
was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man who understood
something of the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice,
lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul play from his master’s
brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily
behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to
my enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not perceive
how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s
temper with all the application, and manage it with all the address in my
power. And it was not long before I found out a strange peculiarity of
humour which governed his behaviour towards all his dependents. I
observed, when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his satisfaction
that, if his wife or servants betrayed the least symptom of participation, he
was offended to an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of
which they seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused,
submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason
and humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he
honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin, I
boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both understood and
performed my business as well as he could do for his soul; neither was it
just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was
descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with.
He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook
his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly
diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and
posture, I yet had reflection enough left to convince me I had gone too far

to retract, and that this was the critical minute which must decide my future
lot in his service; I therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore,
if he offered to strike me without a cause, I should see whether his skull or
my weapon was hardest.
He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very fine!
damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall; I’ll do
your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand against me.” So
saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which
vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual
complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch after dinner.
By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and
became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was
engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and I
consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, with the
knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties of my
employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on
very good terms with my master’s wife, whose esteem I acquired and
cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights my
satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some Christian
offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to which she
had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the affliction she suffered
from a barbarous husband.
In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle for
the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being
neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to maintain much
acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me no wages, and the small
perquisites of my station scarcely supplied me with the common necessaries
of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular
applause, and elevated with the extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had
taught me how little the caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity,
are to be valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to
set about making himself independent of them. My present appearance,
therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying
up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune
for the future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of

austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned to
town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this time
pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so effectually that
I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had
done me.
When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast
about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of finding
some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I had
undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small sum of money
to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well
knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never put me in a condition to
leave him, when his interest was so much concerned in my stay. But a small
accident, which happened about this time, determined him in my favour.
This was no other than the pregnancy of his maidservant, who declared her
situation to me, assuring me at the same time that I was the occasion of it.
Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was
not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and
her, taking the advantage of which I represented to her the folly of laying
the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to much better purpose
with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with
the pretended success of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being
overjoyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very
troublesome consequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings
and reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but
because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for
insulting and undermining his reputation, there being no scandal equal to
that of uncleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the
island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself,
which was, to persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only
afflicted with a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily
remove: with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such
medicines as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this
scheme he was disappointed, for the maid, being advertised by me of his
design, and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition,
absolutely refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her
situation to the world if he would not immediately take some method of
providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months.

It was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by his
addressing himself to me one day in this manner: “I am surprised that a
young fellow like you discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the
world. Before I was of your age I was broiling on the coast of Guinea. D—
e! what’s to hinder you from profiting by the war which will certainly be
declared in a short time against Spain? You may easily get on board of a
king’s ship in quality of surgeon’s mate, where you will certainly see a great
deal of practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.”
I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and assured
him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my power; but
that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of that kind, as I
had no friend to advance a little money to supply me with what necessaries
I should want, and defray the expenses of my journey to London. He told
me that few necessaries were required; and, as for the expense of my
journey, he would lend me money, sufficient not only for that purpose, but
also to maintain me comfortably in London until I should procure a warrant
for my provision on board of some ship.
I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very
well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay the
bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set out in a few
weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half
a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of worsted and a like number
of threaded stockings; a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of
Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took
my bond, bearing five per cent interest; at the same time giving me a letter
to a member of parliament for our town, which he said would do my
business effectually.

CHAPTER VIII

I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap
—we determine to walk together to London—set out on our
Journey—put up at a solitary Alehouse—are disturbed by a
strange Adventure in the Night

There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my
finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: I
determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport goods from
one place to another on horseback; and this scheme I accordingly put in
execution on the 1st day of September, 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle
between two baskets, one of which contained my goods in a knapsack. But
by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the
tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather,
that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on foot, rather than proceed
in such a disagreeable manner.
The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for
London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would be both
cheap and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk upwards of
three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time, a journey which
he believed I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost persuaded to
take his advice, when one day, stepping into a barber’s shop to be shaved,
the young man, while he lathered my face, accosted me thus: “Sir, I
presume you are a Scotchman.” I answered in the affirmative. “Pray,”
continued he, “from what part of Scotland?” I no sooner told him, than he
discovered great emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and
upper lip, besmeared my whole face with great agitation. I was so offended
at this profusion that starting up, I asked him what the d—l he meant by
using me so? He begged pardon, telling me his joy at meeting with a
countryman had occasioned some confusion in him, and craved my name.

But, when I declared my name was Random, he exclaimed in rapture,
“How! Rory Random?” “The same,” I replied, looking at him with
astonishment. “What!” cried he, “don’t you know your old schoolfellow,
Hugh Strap?”
At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the
transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so lavishly
bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance,
and furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and shopmates, who were
witnesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses were over I sat down
again to be shaved, but the poor fellow’s nerves were so discomposed by
this unexpected meeting that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with
which, nevertheless, he found means to cut me in three places in as many
strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place,
and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of
the day with me.
We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I
desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more
than that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to
Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journeywork, along with
three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in the keels; that he
had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, with whom
he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed to go to
London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. When I
communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my
taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, which
is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of the
wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small
detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear
me company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should be fatigued
before we could perform the journey it would be no hard matter for us to
find on the road either return horses or waggons, of which we might take
the advantage for a very trifling expense.
I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately, and
assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he gave
me to understand he had saved money sufficient to answer his own
occasions; and that he had a friend in London who would soon introduce

him into business in that capital, and possibly have it in his power to serve
me also.
Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed
next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my companion
being charged with the furniture of us both crammed into one knapsack),
and our money sewed between the linings and waistbands of our breeches,
except some loose silver for our immediate expenses on the road, We
travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of the proper stages,
were benighted at a good distance from any inn, so that we were compelled
to take up our lodging at a small hedge alehouse, that stood on a byroad,
about half-a-mile from the highway: there we found a pedlar of our own
country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and eggs, and
a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing all the while very
sociably with the landlord and his daughter, a hale buxom lass, who
entertained us with great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain
enough to believe I had made some progress. About eight o’clock we were
all three, at our own desire, shown into an apartment furnished with two
beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar
occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time
extempore, searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door
on the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for
that use.
I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent motion
of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor. Alarmed at this
phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small amazement, I
found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me, with
a low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody
highwayman, loaded with pistols, in the next room; then, bidding me make
as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board
partition through which I could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce
countenance, sitting at a table with our young landlady, having a bottle of
ale and a brace of pistols before him.
I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible tone, “D—
n that son of a b—h, Smack the coachman; he has served me a fine trick,
indeed! but d—ion seize me, if I don’t make him repent it! I’ll teach the
scoundrel to give intelligence to others while he is under articles with me.”

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying
he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with
the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had
disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunities enough to atone
for his lost trouble. “I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bet,” replied he, “I never
had, nor ever shall, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I
missed to-day. Z—s! there was £400 in cash to recruit men for the king’s
service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the
passengers. Had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much
treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you
an officer’s lady, you jade, I would.” “Well, well,” cries Betty, “we must
trust to Providence for that. But did you find nothing worth taking which
escaped the other gentlemen of the road?” “Not much, faith,” said the lover;
“I gleaned a few things, such as a pair of pops, silver mounted (here they
are): I took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money,
together with a gold watch which he had concealed in his breeches. I
likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit
moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what I value
myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my girl, with a
picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of the tail of a pretty
lady’s smock.”
Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the
highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, “Hell and d-n-n! I am
betrayed! Who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him he need not be
uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, who, missing the road, had
taken up their lodgings in the house, and were asleep long ago.
“Travellers,” says he, “spies, you b—ch! But no matter; I’ll send them all to
hell in an instant!” He accordingly ran towards our door; when his
sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a couple of poor young
Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of
suspicion; and the third was a presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who
had often lodged in the house before.
This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a
pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put about the
glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and familiarities, that
spoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversation
which regarded this, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay in the

agonies of fear; so that it was with great difficulty I persuaded him our
danger was over, and prevailed on him to awake the pedlar, and inform him
of what he had seen and heard.
The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the
shoulder, than he started up, called, as loud as he could, “Thieves, thieves!
Lord have mercy upon us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped
up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door to kill the first
man that should enter; for he verily believed himself beset: when his
Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded him that the poor
pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.
Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and
informed him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up
softly, he peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw,
that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven to
deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a
customer for the future of the value of a pin’s point, provided he might be
rescued from the present danger. Whether or not his disburthening his
conscience afforded him any ease I knew not, but he slipped into bed again,
and lay very quiet until the robber and his mistress were asleep, and snored
in concert; then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack,
which making fast to one end of it, he opened the window with as little
noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity:
then he moved gently to our bedside and bade us farewell, telling us that, as
we ran no risk we might take our rest with great confidence, and in the
morning assure the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly,
shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let
himself drop from the window without any danger, for the ground was not
above a yard from his feet as he hung on the outside.
Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not
at all free from apprehension when I reflected on what might be the effect
of the highwayman’s disappointment; as he certainly intended to make free
with the pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his
mind, but on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that
he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman’s example, and so elude
the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak
his vengeance on us as accomplices of the pedlar’s elopement. But I

represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we know his
profession, and suggested that, if ever he should meet us again on the road,
he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his interest to
put us out of the way. I told him, withal, my confidence in Betty’s good
nature, in which he acquiesced; and during the remaining part of the night
we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the
morning.
It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving
our window open, cried out, “Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have
hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such cold
weather.” I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing the curtain,
called, “What’s the matter?” When she showed me, I affected surprise, and
said, “Bless me! the window was shut when we went to bed.” “I’ll be
hanged,” said she, “if Sawney Waddle, the pedlar, has not got up in a dream
and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his sleep.—Sure I put a
chamberpot under his bed!”
With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, finding
the sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lackadaisy! The rogue is fled.” “Fled,”
cried I, with feigned amazement, “God forbid! Sure he has not robbed us!”
Then, springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose
money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, “Heaven be praised,
our money is all safe! Strap, look to the knapsack.” He did so, and found all
was right. Upon which we asked, with seeming concern, if he had stolen
nothing belonging to the house. “No, no,” replied she, “he has stole nothing
but his reckoning;” which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to
discharge in the midst of his devotion.
Betty, after a moment’s pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear
her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight than he jumped
out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to
murder the pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said he
“the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.”
Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that
time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the consequence
of it.
While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she
was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger,

whom we saw take horse; but, as we were on our guard, we answered her
sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a sudden,
we heard the trampling of a horse’s feet at the door. This noise alarmed
Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of
Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, “O Lord! there is
the highwayman returned!”
Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young
man? Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?”
Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in
Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a horseman the
day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman,
because he rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified at the sound of a
horse’s feet ever since.
She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I
could perceive, not without great concern, that this account was not at all
satisfactory to her.

CHAPTER IX

We proceed on our Journey—are overtaken by a
Highwayman who fires at Strap—is prevented from
shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride in
pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures
at that Inn

After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, who
embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing
ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five
miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping after us, whom we
in a short time recognised to be no other than this formidable hero who had
already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked if I
knew who he was? My astonishment had disconcerted me so much that I
did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths and
threats; but I remained as mute as before.
Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering,
with a lamentable voice, these words: “For Christ’s sake, have mercy upon
us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the thief, “you do! But
you never shall be evidence against me in this world, you dog!” So saying,
he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the
ground without speaking one word.
My comrade’s fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where I
stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the least
attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian, who
snapped a second pistol at me; but, before he had time to prime again,
perceiving a company of horsemen coming up, he rode off, and left me
standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by those
whose appearance had saved my life. This company consisted of three men
in livery, well armed, with an officer, who (as I afterwards learned,) was the

person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and
who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, and
assuring him his non-resistance was altogether owing to his consideration
for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance of his lordship’s servants
to go in quest of the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me
with great address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard.
As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer,
observed a body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour changed, and
he pronounced, with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder
committed! Let us alight.” “No, no,” said one of his followers, “let us rather
pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?”
By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he could
not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to assist me in
conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, in order to it being
interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case he should pursue, he must
soon come to action, began to curb his horse, and gave him the spur at the
same time, which treatment making the creature rear up and snort, he called
out, his horse was frightened, and would not proceed; at the same time
wheeling him round and round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling
him with “Sirrah, sirrah—gently, gently.” etc. “Z—ds!”, cried one of the
servants, “sure my lord’s Sorrel is not resty!”
With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel,
disdaining the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that would
have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth (happily for
him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and two of his
attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his situation.
Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my desire, turning the body of
Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still warm
and breathing: upon which, I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with
inexpressible joy, recover; he having received no other wound than what his
fear had inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs, we walked together to
an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap, who was not quite
recovered, went to bed; and in a little time the third servant returned with
the captain’s horse and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he
could.

This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of
the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the
servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which
service he rewarded me with half-a-crown.
The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at
cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty
gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a
neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal;
and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a couple of
sharpers, who stripped them of all their cash in a very short time. But what
surprised me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply to one of the
countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in these words: “D—n me,
friend, d’ye question my honour?”
I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a character
frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the indecency of his
behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs
which he sung. At last, to make amends in some sort, for the damage he had
done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his
gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner, began to play most
melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This good humour of this
parson inspired the company with so much glee that the farmers soon forgot
their losses, and all present went to dancing in the yard.
While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a
horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out,
“Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor coming
into the inn.” He immediately commended his instrument, and ran towards
the gate, where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped him off,
inquiring very cordially into the state of his health.
This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty, having
alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great
solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he called for a
bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the submissive
questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his family. While he
indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, the curate,
approaching him with great reverence, asked him if he would not be pleased
to honour him with his company at dinner? To which interrogation he

answered in the negative, saying, he had been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who
had drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he had, on
leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home. Accordingly
when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he rose, and moved with
prelatical dignity to the door, where his journeyman stood ready with his
nag. He had no sooner mounted than the facetious curate, coming into the
kitchen, held forth in this manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the d—l
go with him. You see how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of
a vicar does not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four
hundred pounds per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and
ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for twenty
pounds a year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications but—comparisons
are odious. I should be glad to know how this wag-bellied doctor deserves
to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home, indulge
himself in the best of victuals and wine and enjoy the conversation of Betty,
his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen. Betty is the doctor’s poor
kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for that; ay, and dutiful
girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every year, though I must own
I could never learn in what county they live, My service t’ye, gentlemen.”
By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every
man’s share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence of
some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two farmers to
satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no sooner informed
of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto,
began to open with a malicious grin: “Ay, ay this is an old trick of Shuffle; I
could not help smiling when he talked of treating. You must know this is a
very curious fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while he served
young Lord Trifte at the university. But what he most excels in is pimping.
No one knows his talents better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire
Tattle an intimate companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape
by pawning some of his lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned
away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my
lord’s conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made
interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the
curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too much
admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in spite of

such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is really
diverting company; these qualifications make him agreeable wherever he
goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not a man within three counties
for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat, and can shift a card with such
address that it is impossible to discover him.”
Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had
not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they
engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it was
none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did
not know they were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was notorious to
the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with
abetting and assisting the curate’s knavery, and insisted on having his share
of the winnings returned; this demand the exciseman as positively refused
affirming that, whatever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions,
he was very certain that he had played on the square with them, and would
answer it before any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up and,
having paid his reckoning, sneaked off.
The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was gone,
shook his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to have his
deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen. But I know
what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into
either scale would make the balance kick the beam. But, masters, this is
under the rose,” continued Boniface with a whisper.

CHAPTER X

The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence
against him—proceed to the next village—he escapes—we
arrive at another inn, where we go to Bed—in the Night we
are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—next night we lodge at
the house of a Schoolmaster—our Treatment there

Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a
crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the way.
As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the middle, with
his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. The
highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went in
pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his pistols,
made prisoner without any further opposition. They were carrying him in
triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people, to a justice of peace
in a neighbouring village, but stopped at our inn to join their companions
and take refreshment.
When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of
peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected
fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled me with
such terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged by this
alteration in his appearance that, going up to the thief, he presented his
clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would either cudgel or box with
the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately produced, and began to
strip, but was dissuaded from this adventure by me, who represented to him
the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which
would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough.
But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being
detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just going
to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply,

and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road
that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight we arrived at the place of
our destination, but as the justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the
country, with whom (we understood) he would probably stay all night, the
robber was confined in an empty garret, three stories high, from which it
seemed impossible for him to escape; this, nevertheless, was the case; for
next morning when they went up stairs to bring him before the justice, the
bird was flown, having got out at the window upon the roof from whence he
continued his route along the tops of the adjoining houses, and entered
another garret where he skulked until the family were asleep; at which time
he ventured down stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, which was
open.
This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him,
who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I
was permitted now to continue my journey, without any further molestation.
Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this
day travelled with great vigour and before night reached a market town
twenty miles from the place from whence we set out in the morning,
without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here having taken up our
lodging at an an inn, I found myself so fatigued that I began to despair of
performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to inquire if there were
any waggon, return horses, or any cheap carriage in this place, to depart for
London next day. He was informed that the waggon from Newcastle to
London had halted there two nights ago, and that it would be an easy matter
to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, the day after the next. This
piece of news gave us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty
supper on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained
two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman,
who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very
well dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this
disposition, as there was not another bed empty in the house; and
accordingly went to rest, after having secured our baggage under the
bolster. About two or three o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a
very profound sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail
to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words
pronounced with a terrible voice: “Blood and wounds! run the halbert into

the guts of him that’s next you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out
presently.”
This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than,
starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned
him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire! murder! fire!” a cry
which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a
crowd of naked people. When lights were brought, the occasion of all this
disturbance soon appeared; which was no other than a fellow lodger, whom
we found lying on the floor, scratching his head, with a look testifying the
utmost astonishment at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.
This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having
listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and
threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This
made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep and
expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger vanished, the
company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth; but what
attracted the notice of everyone was our landlady, with nothing on her but
her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches, with the backside before,
which she had slipped on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat
about his shoulders; one had wrapped himself in a blanket, another was
covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his only shirt to be
washed, appeared in cuerpo with a bolster rolled about his middle.
When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,
the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any
further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid
our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in
which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted
ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when
we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house,
and were directed to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance the
landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose
from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a
cheerful countenance accosted us in these words: “Salvete, pueri.
Ingredimini.” I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because
I was in hope of recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that
language; I therefore answered, without hesitation, “Dissolve frigus, ligna

super foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than
the old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili
mi dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding we
were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard
enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel who was his
sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace
at the same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O Tholiarche, merum
diota.” This was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he
had always an amphora four years old, for the use of himself and friends.
In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of
Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster, whose
income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the
entertainment of passengers by which he made shift to make the two ends
of the year meet. “I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old fellow in his
majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to
be married next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these
(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table). I
am old, ’tis true—what then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share
of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: ‘Tu ne quaesieris (scire
nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam
minimum credula postero.’”
As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of
acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he enriched
us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he was no
stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime he ordered his daughter
to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale
his friends—permittens divis caetera. While our entertainment was
preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they
contained nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared
sumptuously, and drunk several bottles of his I expressed a desire of going
to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had
informed us that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that
there was room enough in it for half-a-dozen, for there were only four
passengers as yet in that convenience.
Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about
the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his

benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our
lodging and entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has
conceived a particular affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper with
extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called
for?”
I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world
made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we
breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and
desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know, gentlemen,”
said he; “for I never mind these matters. Money matters are beneath the
concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan—Crescentum sequitur
cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy, having consulted a slate that hung in
the corner, told us our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. “Eight shillings and seven
pence!” cried Strap, “’tis impossible! you must be mistaken, young
woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father, very deliberately; “perhaps
you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied she, “I know my business
better.” I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it was an
unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which the
old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us see the particulars—that’s but
reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following items:
To bread and beer 06
To a fowl and sausages 26
To four bottles of quadrim 2 0
To fire and tobacco 07
To lodging 20
To breakfast 10
——
87
As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a
sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in
my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented myself with
saying I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He
answered, I was but a young man and did not know the world, or I would
not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and
keep off importuna pauperies. My fellow traveller could not so easily put up

with this imposition; but swore he should either take one-third of the money
or go without. While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the
daughter go out, and, conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the
exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done than Biddy returned with
two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught,
but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who
was half-distracted on account of this piece of expense, went up to the
schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great emphasis
—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a malicious
smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”

CHAPTER XI

We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our
Fellow Travellers described—a Mistake is committed by
Strap, which produces strange things

We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts
being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily
exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to
diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus:
“Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken,
that old skin-flint should have been d—n’d before he had got more than the
third of his demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when
you squander it away in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly
beards must I have mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence-
halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs! How many days have I sat
weaving hair till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramped,
and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the door!
What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any
one of those fellows who came in for a guinea—I’m sure—I have beat
stouter men than either of them.” And, indeed, my companion would have
fought anybody when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal
aversion to fire-arms and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I
assured him no part of this extraordinary expense should fall upon his
shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted, and told me he would
have me to know that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a
soul to spend big money with the best squire of the land.
Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment,
we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about
a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we reached it, were both of
us so weary that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to

have walked one mile farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver,
whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at
which place we should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we
might agree for the rest of the journey.
Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder,
Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was
getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: “God’s fury!
there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was so disconcerted
at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the
mouth of a giant, that he descended with great velocity and a countenance
as white as paper. Joey, perceiving our astonishment, called, with an arch
sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to
meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind
the coptain; I’se not afeard of the coptain.”
This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not
without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like distant
thunder—“Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you smart for
this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty place in the straw,
which I immediately took possession of, without being able to discern the
faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following, with the knapsack
on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage,
pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in a
most dreadful manner, “Blood and thunder! where’s my sword?” At these
words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one spring, bounced against
me with such force that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who
intended to press me to death. In the meantime a female voice cried, “Bless
me! what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d—n
my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s
hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and
laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and
the woman who spoke before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault;
we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with. I thank
God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir John were to
know where we are they would not sleep this night for vexation. I wish to
God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall never be forgiven.”
“Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it don’t signify fretting now;

we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope you will not suffer in your health. I
shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in this diligence.”
The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady that
I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately after another
female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great many needless
airs; better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now. Some
of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them,
without making so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a
footing; therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is
not this a good motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent
fornicator? What desperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are
you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till
you turn over a new leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the
meantime give me a kiss, you old fumbler.” These words, accompanied
with a hearty smack, enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to
such a degree that he cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, “Ah!
you wanton baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl—he, he, he!”
This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor
usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this our fellow-
traveller).
About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time
as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the
waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they
entered. The first who appeared was a brisk, airy girl, about twenty years
old, with a silver-laced hat on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-
suit, trimmed with silver very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After
her came, limping, an old man, with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his
chin, and a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied
about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a
threadbare coat and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards discerned, a dirty
flannel jacket. His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was
shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his
nose sharp and drooping, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he
mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers:
he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a
just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised, when
I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin creature, about

the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very much resembling that of
a baboon, through the upper part of which two little gray eyes peeped: he
wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate
length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the
crown of his head when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very
much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.
Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the
extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three
inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy
neck: his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling
spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and his body, which put me in
mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder: so that on
the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper erect, and was almost a
vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of what is called
bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an hussar
waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thighs, worsted
stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at
least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one
hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of
his own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person, but so
ridiculously affected, that, had I not been a novice in the world, I might
have easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a
lady’s woman.
We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was
his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told the
landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he could
not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared
victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons, but if
he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner,
he should be very well pleased. This was no sooner said than all of us
declared against the proposal, and Miss Jenny (our other female passenger),
observed that, if Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by
themselves, they might wait until we should have done. At this hint the
captain put on a martial frown, and looked very big, without speaking;
while his yokefellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something
about “Creature!” which Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, saying,
“None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha—I’ll assure you

no such creature as you neither—no ten-pound sneaker—no quality-
coupler.” Here the captain interposed, with a “D—e, madam, what do you
mean by that?” “D—n you sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who
made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? ’Sdeath!
the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions.
What, I suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and your helpmate
are well met—a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well
yoked together.” “Blood and wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the
honour of my wife, madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say
so much—I would flay him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would
have his liver for my supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and flourished
with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers,
told him she did not value his resentment a louse.
In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who,
understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his
lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have
everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to
supper altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments; the old
usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to
another. About midnight, my companion’s bowels being disordered, he got
up, in order to go backward, but in his return, mistaking one door for
another, entered Weazel’s chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed
to his wife, who was fast asleep, the captain being at another end of the
room groping for some empty vessel, in lieu of his own chamberpot, which
was leaky: as he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went towards his own
bed, after having found a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough
head, covered with a cotton nightcap, than it came into his mind that he had
mistaken Miss Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was
that of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his
conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched
up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the
astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth
into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure,
but frighted poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed
himself bewitched, especially when the incensed captain seized him by the
throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the
presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed

and confounded, that he could say nothing but—“I take God to witness
she’s a virgin for me.”
Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the
precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe
which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald pate till he
roared “Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stinkpots on me,” cried she,
“you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I warrant you’re jealous,
you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you
poor, withered, sapless twig?”
The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the
waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great
satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of “Rape!
Murder! Rape!” which Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. “Oh! You
vile abominable old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of my virtue? But
I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for heaven’s sake! help!
I shall be ravished! ruined! help!” Some servants of the inn, hearing this
cry, came running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance
afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the
poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags: with a woeful
visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the
counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her bed. At the other
end lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel
jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while
she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When
he asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid
that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of
what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The
poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be
released; a favour which he had no sooner obtained than he protested she
was no woman, but a devil incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to
rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you know
you laid this snare for me—but you shan’t succeed—for I will hang myself
before you shall get a farthing of me.” So saying, he crawled to his own
bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who told us,
“Gentlemen, here has been a d—d mistake; but I’ll be revenged on him who
was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not
breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My dear, I ask you

ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no harm to you.” “I
know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I know I have got
enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were reconciled. The wife
was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed (her own being
overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the
remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap
mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark while the captain and his
lady were at loggerheads.

CHAPTER XII

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat
—an Affair between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain
to give Miss Jenny five Guineas for a Release—we are in
Danger of losing a Meal—the Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny,
and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of Captain Weazel
and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s mirth at
the Captain’s Expense

Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for
my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place
when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him to
appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn
sword in his hand, and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice the villain
who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to
explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s innocence, who stood
trembling behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in
Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he
must either fight him or he would instantly put him to death. I was
extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed
that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon;
but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal
Strap immediately gave assent, by saying, “he would box with him for a
guinea.” Weazel replied with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any
gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a
footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries
Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad that
is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t satisfie
yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare say, he will
coodgel with yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some hesitation,

answered, “Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this expedient being also
rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping Strap the
wink, told the captain that I had always heard it said, the person who
receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore
being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of
my companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it
should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely,
razors. At my mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour
change while Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great
eagerness: “No, no, no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.”
At length, Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a
ferocious countenance asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?”
With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at
seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to
one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I
kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-longes,
skipping backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to
the no small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation his
wife entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances,
uttered a dreadful scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation,
which was immediately granted; and at last was contented with the
submission of Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the
innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had
committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to
breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the
usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her
awake all night with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning,
Miss Jenny was so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her
journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the
waggon, who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She
told him in a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to
the fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the
event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the
consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon,
whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s disgrace, and
brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared than she began
to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave

her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and
hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machinations
of that Jezebel; and assured us, with tears in his eyes, that his being found in
bed with her was the result of her own invitation. The waggoner,
understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of
money: to which advice he replied with great vehemence, “A sum of
money!—a halter for the cockatrice!” “Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny;
“I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be
so good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who
wants to see him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of justice Isaac
trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering voice, “What she
would have? She told him that, as he had not perpetrated his wicked
purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage
she might sustain in her health might be irreparable, she would give him a
release for a hundred guineas.” “A hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy,
“a hundred furies! Where should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred
guineas? If I had so much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling in
a waggon, at this season of the year?” “Come, come,” replied Jenny, “none
of your miserly artifice here. You think I don’t know Isaac Rapine, the
money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you
had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.” Isaac, finding
it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a discharge,
which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at last, however, she was
brought down to five, which he paid with great reluctancy, rather than be
prosecuted for a rape. After which accommodation, the sick person made a
shift to get into the waggon, and we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap
being accommodated with Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to
walk. The morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account of
the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a
soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found
fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had
moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his
rival: for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed
whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that very day on
which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t you remember,
my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when
my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being altered, and my lady

was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?” “Yes, my dear,” replied the
captain, “you know my lord said to me, with a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is
certainly breeding.’ And I answered cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could
return the compliment.’ Upon which the whole company broke out into an
immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came
round and bussed me.” We travelled in this manner five days, without
interruption or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon
recovered her spirits, entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of
which she could sing a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who,
notwithstanding, would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while
we were about to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that
three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their
apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke by the
passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied, “the
passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their betters must be served
before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to
dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a terrible
disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it;
when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by profession a
soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But
the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all the world be
known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at the same time, that could
he appear with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision.
Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran
immediately into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death
if he did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she
made brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived
her than he cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?”
“My dear Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then
Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”
They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on
the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey,
understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his
hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend to
seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to have
produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and
being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of

Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to
keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at
table without any further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk
along with Joey, and Strap took my place. Having entered into a
conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, facetious,
good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he informed me, that Miss Jenny
was a common girl upon the town, who, falling into company with a
recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage coach from London to
Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was now in prison;
upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life, by this
conveyance. He told me likewise, that one of the gentleman’s servants, who
were left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew
him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character. That he
had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years,
while he lived separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she
expressly insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he
kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed
that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission for
him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his
lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I found he and I had the same
sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage, which he resolved to put to the
trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as
a horseman should appear.
This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a
man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the
people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a
general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid
himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a
rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something
under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and the
captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not
succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled out, “Sdeath!
captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed? Get up for
shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!” Weazel pretended to
be in a great passion for being disturbed, and swore he would have his nap
out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him. “D—n my blood!
what are you afraid of?” continued he; at the same time trembling with such

agitation that the whole carriage shook. This singular piece of behaviour
incensed Miss Ramper so much that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you
are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the
waggon, Joey—let me out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief
shall not only take your purse, but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out
with great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a
gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme,
and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the waggon, and
questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion,
approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, “Who have we got here?”
Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a poor miserable sinner, who
has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal,
but these fifteen shillings which if you rob me of we must all starve
together.” “Who’s that sobbing in the other corner?” said the supposed
highwayman. “A poor unfortunate woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle, “upon
whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake, to have compassion.” “Are you maid or
wife,” said he. “Wife, to my sorrow,” said she. “Who, or where is your
husband?” continued he. “My husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer
in the army and was left sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be
mistaken, madam,” said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this
afternoon. But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled
himself; let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.”
Here he laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under
his wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling
captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and
affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter? What’s the
matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman; “I only called
in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain.” He
clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment.
It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away
before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you remember
Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied she, “I think
I do remember something of the fellow, but you know I seldom converse
with people of his station.” “Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do yaw knaw the young
mon, coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time has he filled a
glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.” “And what may his

name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His name!—his name,” replied Weazel, “is
Tom Rinser.” “Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed his own neame then!
for I’se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter.” This observation raised
a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when
Isaac broke silence, and said, “It is no matter who or what he was, since he
has not proved the robber we suspected, and we ought to bless God for our
narrow escape.” “Bless God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil! for what? Had
he been a highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts,
before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha,” cried
Miss Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain.” The usurer
was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain
from being severe, and took notice that Captain Weazel seemed to be a
good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation,
instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his salvation with fear and
trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel’s
expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s
throat. The usurer, taking hold of this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies,
I take you all to witness, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded
officer; I’ll have him bound over to the peace.” This second sneer produced
another laugh against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining
part of our journey.

CHAPTER XIII

Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s
Conjecture—the Mystery explained by Joey—we arrive in
London—our Dress and Appearance described—we are
insulted in the Street—an Adventure in an Alehouse—we
are imposed upon by a waggish Footman—set to rights by a
Tobacconist—take Lodgings—dive for a Dinner—an
Accident at our Ordinary

We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper
continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and taking the
candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down
to the house of office, whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry,
with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and
astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set down the light and jumped
into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled with great violence. When I
asked him what was the matter, he replied, with a broken accent, “God have
mercy on us! I have seen the devil!” Though my prejudice was not quite so
strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation, and much more
so when I heard the sound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my
bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these words, “Christ have mercy upon
us; there he comes!” At that instance a monstrous overgrown raven entered
our chamber, with bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As
this creature is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and
witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, in a
violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition leaped
upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabs with its beak through
the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I recommended
ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion, and, when we no
longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take breath. But we had not

been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well
nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the
room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a
certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance that did not savour of
this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind
and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his
head. I was so amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a
ghastly object, but lay motionless and saw him come straight up to me:
when he reached the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that
did not seem to belong to a human creature, “Where is Ralph?” I made no
reply: upon which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, “Where
is Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these words than I heard the
sound of the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to,
tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good while
before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at length I
turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long.
When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he
assured me that the first must certainly be the soul of some person damned,
which appeared by the chain about his legs (for his fears had magnified the
creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the
clanking of massy chains). As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of
somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted to
torment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name
of the said murderer. Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I
was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep: and in all my future adventures
never passed a night so ill.
In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an
immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that the old
man was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some years, and
diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from
his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber,
where he had inquired after it under the name of Ralpho.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey,
which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the great
city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up. Next morning
all the passengers parted different ways, while my companion and I sallied
out to inquire for the member of parliament, to whom I had a letter of

recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the
inn, Strap took up our baggage and, marched behind me in the street with
the knapsack on his back, as usual, so that we made a very whimsical
appearance. I had dressed myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a
clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the
deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound
of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my
waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same taste;
and my hat very much resembled a barber’s basin, in the shallowness of the
crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited in a much less
awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very much resembled
Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to what is called a
queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and high cheek bones,
rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As he
walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom we met,
whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was answered by a stare, accompanied
with the word “Anan!” Upon which I came up, in order to explain the
question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman
damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping his horses with a “Gee ho!”
which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far
that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him
for a farthing.
While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney
coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel,
came up close to us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a dexterous
management of the reins made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us
all over with mud. After which exploit he drove on, applauding himself
with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my great
mortification; but one, more compassionate than the rest, seeing us
strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, and dry myself. I thanked him
for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and, going into the
house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by a fire in the
public room where we cleaned ourselves as well as we could. In the
meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe, understanding, by our
dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to me and, with a grave
countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I did not know the
meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying it could

not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the same time taking
hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who
seemed highly entertained with his wit. I was incensed at this usage, but
afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be in a strange place, and
perceived the person who spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I
thought myself by no means a match. However, Strap, having either more
courage or less caution, could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told
him in a peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil fellow for making so free
with his betters.” Then the wit going toward him, asked him what he had
got in his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing
him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all
present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious
manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a box on
the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and, in a moment,
a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and
my blood being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts,
I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that as the affront
that occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself;
upon which one or two cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall
have fair play.” His assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my
adversary, who by his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the
battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and
fell to the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve
my success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained
by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but
in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite recovered
of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse, and immediately
dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the company for my
bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand, and
wished me joy of the victory.
After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the
landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were
amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be
altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he told
us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook ourselves
therefore to the street, where seeing a footman standing at the door, we
made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron lived? This member

of the particoloured fraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he
knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn down the first street on our
left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after which
perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must pass, and
at the other end we should find an alley that leads to another street, where
we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he
lodged. We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap
telling me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man by his
countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced,
ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in the house where
he served.
We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to the
right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before us, found
ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a
little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly
missed our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk,
and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by,
encouraged by the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my
inexpressible satisfaction, the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no
sooner informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received
from the footman, than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling
us, Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town and that it would be to no
purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the
House. I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really gave us
a line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler’s shop not far from St.
Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate
of two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed was let down,
we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that belonged to
the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs. About dinner-time,
our landlord asked how we proposed to live? to which interrogation we
answered, that we would be directed by him. “Well, then,” says he, “there
are two ways of eating in this town for people of your condition—the one
more creditable and expensive than the other: the first is to dine at an
eating-house frequented by well-dressed people only; and the other is called
diving, practised by those who are either obliged or inclined to live
frugally.” I gave him to understand that, provided the last was not infamous,
it would suit much better with our circumstances than the other.

“Infamous!” cried he, “not at all; there are many creditable people, rich
people, ay, and fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty
gentleman with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for
three pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he
made a figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear
witness—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you.”
He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade
us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into a
cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and descending
very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s shop, almost
suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a company of
hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or
on board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at
separate boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach. While I
stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again,
Strap, in his descent, missing one of the stops, tumbled headlong into this
infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she carried a porringer of soup
to one of the guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs
of a drummer belonging to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way,
and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down,
uttering a volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.
While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence
peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor
author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a woful countenance,
emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the patient’s stocking,
which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. This
poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of
his exclamations, broke forth into such a hideous yell as made the whole
company tremble, then, seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him,
squeezed the sides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather,
grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the
cause of this violent transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and
bathe the part with oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease.
But here another difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s
insisting on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he
would pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for
his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap,

foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy the
cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which entirely
appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this accommodation, our
landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most
deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny each, bread
and small beer included.

CHAPTER XIV

We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his advice—
we go to Mr. Cringer’s house—are denied admittance—an
Accident befalls Strap—his behaviour thereupon—an
extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose
all my money

In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house,
which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we
accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This
gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept a
school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian languages;
but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the English tongue,
after a method more speedy and uncommon than any practised heretofore,
and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter part of his
undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle: for although I could easily
understand every word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered England,
three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had
spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very
much, though not above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with
the small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a
night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant’s old sash,
and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the fashion of King
Charles the Second’s reign.
After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously, he
inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the hand,
telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my
situation, he assured me that he would do me all the service in his power,
both by his advice and otherwise, and while he spoke these words eyed me
with great attention, walking round me several times, and muttering, “Oh,

dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight is here!” I soon guessed the reason of his
ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress.”
“Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat you please in your country, but I
vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No Christian will admit such a figure
into his house. Upon my conscience, I wonder the dogs did not hunt you.
Did you pass through St. James’s market? Bless my eyesaight! you are like
a cousin-german of an ourangoutang.” I began to be a little serious at this
discourse, and asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow
at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction
into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching his cheek,
“may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary; but is
your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I pulled
out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes, at which he
stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear! Oh dear!” I began to conceive bad
omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me with his
advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and as a specimen, directed
us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood, in order to be
accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr.
Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks, which, he said, were
sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind. And as we were
going to pursue this advice, he called me back and bade me be sure to
deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.
As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his
friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide for
him with some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see how I
will fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and that’s a bold
word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead hair, upon me.”
And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant,
that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could get
one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice (if a good handsome bob),
for which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging, where Strap in a
moment rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster so much
offence.
We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave
audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being obliged to
attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because his lordship
made one at the minister’s between eight and nine o’clock. When we came

to Mr. Cringer’s door, Strap, to give me all instance of his politeness, ran to
the knocker, which he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the
whole street; and a window opening in the second story of the next house, a
vessel was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was
wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the
unsavoury deluge. In the meantime, a footman opening the door, and seeing
nobody in the street but us, asked, with a stern countenance, if it was I who
made such a noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had business with his
master, whom I desired to see. Upon which he slapped the door in my face,
telling me I must learn better manners before I could have access to his
master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap,
whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he, not in the least
regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his periwig, and lifting up a
large stone, flung it with such force against the street door of that house
from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide
open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could. Indeed,
there was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the
speed I could exert, until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we
did not know. Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort
of a man, passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which
having examined, he turned and presented to me with these words: “Sir, you
have dropped half-a-crown.” I was not a little surprised at this instance of
honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade me recollect, and
see if all my money was safe; upon which I pulled out my purse, for I had
bought one since I came to town, and, reckoning my money in my hand,
which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings and twopence,
assured him I had lost nothing. “Well, then, says he, so much the better; this
is a godsend, and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are
entitled to equal shares with me.” I was astonished at these words, and
looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely refused
to take any part of the sum. “Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you are too
modest—I see you are strangers, but you shall give me leave to treat you
with a whet this cold raw morning.” I would have declined the invitation,
but Strap whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I
complied. “Where shall we go?” said the stranger; “I am quite ignorant of
this part of the town.” I informed him that we were in the same situation;
upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find

open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: “I find by your
tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by the father’s
side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its favour, that I never
meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are very brave people.
There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot boast of some
exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago. There’s your
Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such ancient
families here in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have
known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his
mother-tongue. And for honesty—I once had a servant, his name was
Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold.”
This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly,
that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap’s
eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we
perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the
fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance
asked us if ever we had drunk egg-flip? To which question we answering in
the negative, he assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared,
calling for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition
very palateable, and drank heartily; the conversation, which was introduced
by the gentleman, turning upon the snares that young inexperienced people
are exposed to in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are
daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with
so much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which
threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our new
friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person;
and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him
awake. “Suppose,” said he, “we should take a hand at whist for pastime.
But let me see: that won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I cannot play at
any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of
complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling
asleep.”
Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an
hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as
much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I wish we could find a
fourth hand.” While we were in this perplexity the person whom we found
in the house at our entrance, overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from

his mouth very gravely, and accosted us thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out,
you see,” shaking the ashes into the fire, “and rather than you should be
balked, I don’t care if I take a hand with you for a trifle—but remember I
won’t play for anything of consequence.” We accepted his proffer with
pleasure. Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against
our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that in
a short time I was half-a-crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had
met in the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or
change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and the
expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but
indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge: and cutting
again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. My
good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had got thirty
shillings of their money, for as they lost they grew the keener, and doubled
stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about, and
we were very soon stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our
own money. This loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on
the muscles of Strap’s face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists
perceiving our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and
console ourselves with a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely
suggested it was time to be gone; upon which the person who had joined us
in the house began to curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to
fortune only for what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our
good play. This insinuation nettled me so much that I challenged him to a
game at piquet for a crown: and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept
the invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible
affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely
refusing to supply me with a sixpence.
The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my
disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst with
grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went away with
my money, began in this manner:—“I am truly afflicted at your bad luck,
and would willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what in the name of
goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a
maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far us it will go, and to stop
whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and your passions are
too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better. However, there is no

experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the
longest day you have to live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I
don’t half like him. Did not you see me tip you the wink to leave off in
time?” I answered, “No.” “No,” continued he; “you was too eager to mind
anything but the game. But, harkee,” said he in a whisper, “are you satisfied
of that young man’s honesty? His looks are a little suspicious—but I may be
mistaken; he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you, this is
a very wicked town.” I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade’s
integrity and, that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his
anxiety of my loss. “Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord,
see what’s to pay.” The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which,
having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying he
should be very glad to see us again, departed.

CHAPTER XV

Strap moralises—presents his purse to me—we inform our
landlord of our misfortune—he unravels the mystery—I
present myself to Cringer—he recommends and turns me
over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a fellow
dependent, who explains the character of Cringer and
Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at
the Navy Office and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed

In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap,
with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a fine
market. To this observation I made no reply, and he went on: “God send us
well out of this place; we have not been in London eight and forty hours,
and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand misfortunes. We
have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, and at last stript of our money; and I
suppose by and bye we shall be stript of our skins. Indeed as to the money
part of it, that was owing to our own folly.—Solomon says, ‘Bray a fool in
a mortar, and he will never be wise.’ Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence
is worth a pound of gold.” This was no time for him to tamper with my
disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed with resentment
against him for having refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I
therefore turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he
called fool? Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he
stood still, and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion,
uttered, “Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest
fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people’s misfortunes;
but ‘Nemo omnibus horis sapit’—that’s all, that’s all.” Upon which a
silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon
the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish rather than apply to my
companion, or any other body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper,

and whose heart bled within him for my distress, after some pause came to
the bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears,
crying, “I know what you think, but I scorn your thought. There’s all I have
in the world, take it, and I’ll perhaps get more for you before that be done.
If not, I’ll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you,
and stay with you; for though I be a poor cobbler’s son, I am no scout.” I
was so much touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I
could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together for
some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas and
half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew better
than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal and told me
it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me, who was
a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.
After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we
informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal
the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than
he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of
sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane
person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-
dropper, who made it his business to decoy strangers in that manner to one
of his own haunts, where an accomplice or two were always waiting to
assist in pillaging the prey he had run down. Here the good man recounted a
great many stories of people who has been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat
—nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the artifice and
wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven,
prayed that God would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity, for surely
the devil had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to
know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer’s, we acquainted him
with the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us we had not
gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a
member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly
infected with the master’s disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as
well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling
the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I should
scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next morning,
when the door was opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told him I
had a letter for his master. I found the good effect of my liberality; for the

fellow let me in immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired
me to wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued
standing for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great
many young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and repass,
with an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber;
while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them
that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length, Mr.
Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other
than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes; at parting Mr.
Cringer shook him by the hand and told him he hoped to have the pleasure
of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were
my commands? When he understood I was the person who had brought the
letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which, however, he
pretended he could not do till he had consulted the letter again; to save him
the trouble, I told him my name was Random. Upon which he went on, “Ay,
ay, Random, Random, Random—I think I remember the name:” and very
well he might, for this very individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode
before my grandfather’s cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. “Well,” says he,
“you propose to go on board a man-of-war as surgeon’s mate.” I replied by
a low bow. “I believe it will be a difficult matter,” continued he, “to procure
a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the Navy
Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid
of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to protect
them. However, some ships will soon be put in commission, and then we
shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he left me, exceedingly mortified at
the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart,
proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an
opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.
At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being
employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a
periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per
week besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other
morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time I
became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and profession,
who also depended on the member’s interest, but was treated with much
more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and often admitted
into a parlour, where there was a fire for the convenience of the better sort

of those who waited for him. Thither I was never permitted to penetrate, on
account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable; but was
obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first
opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going to the door to speak with him.
One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom
Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him with
a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with
great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very
kindly after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then, after a whisper, which
continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the word ‘honour’ repeated
several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this
gentleman, as to a person whose advice and assistance I might depend
upon; and having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he
told me I need not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, for
Mr. Staytape would do my business. At that instant my fellow-dependent,
coming out after me, overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, making
up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly: this address I looked upon
as no small honour, considering the figure he made, for he was dressed in a
blue frock with a button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold, black
velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a
spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded can in his hand.
“I perceive,” says he, “you are but lately come from Scotland; pray what
may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I suppose it is no secret and I may
possibly give you some advice that will be serviceable, for I have been
surgeon’s second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently
know a good deal of the world.”
I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned,
he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same
circumstances about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer’s promises,
until his money (which was considerable) as well as his credit, was quite
exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of
money he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle,
debauched fellow. That after he had waited at the Navy Office many months
for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which
raised a small sum wherewith he bribed the secretary, who soon procured a
warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day, that there
was not one vacancy. That he had gone on board, where he remained nine

months, at the end of which the ship was put out of commission, and he said
the company were to be paid off in Broad Street the very next day. That
relations being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs
regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter that his interest
alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command he came
to his levee every morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a
very pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at
Surgeons’ Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it
was necessary. “Necessary:” cried he, “Oh then I find I must instruct you:
come along with me, and I’ll give you information about that matter.” So
saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where I called for some beer, and
bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he
told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to the Board, desiring
them to order a letter for me to Surgeon’s Hall, that I might be examined,
touching my skill in surgery. That the surgeons, after having examined me,
would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter directed to the
commissioners, which qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the
Board, who would open it in my presence, and read the contents; after
which I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible.
That the expense of his qualification for second mate of a third-rate,
amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him
half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary, which
consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was like a
thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings.
I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after
having thanked him for his information and advice. He condoled me on this
occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship
for me, and would make all things easy. He was ran out at present, but to-
morrow or next day, he was certain of receiving a considerable sum; of
which he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigencies.
This frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, and
emptied it before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket-
expense, until he should receive his own money. With a good deal of
pressing, he was prevailed upon to take five shillings telling me that he
might have what money he wanted at any time for the trouble of going into
the city; but as he had met with me, he would defer his going thither till
tomorrow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in the

way of acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that rascal
Cringer, much less on the tailor to whom he heard him turn me over.
“How!” cried I, “is Mr. Staytape a tailor.” “No less, I assure you,” answered
he, “and, I confess, more likely to serve you than the member; for, provided
you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit
with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.” I told him, I was
utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at Cringer’s usage, that I would
never set foot within his door again.
After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted,
having made an appointment to meet next day at the same place; in order to
set out for the city. I went immediately to Strap and related everything
which had happened, but he did not at all approve of my being so forward
to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had already been so much
imposed upon by appearances. “However,” said he, “if you are sure he is a
Scotchman, I believe you are safe.”

CHAPTER XVI

My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed, by
myself, to the Navy Office—address me to a person there,
who assists me with advice—write to the Board, they grant
me a letter to the Surgeons at the Hall—am informed of the
beau’s name and character—find him—he makes me his
confidant in an amour—desires me to pawn my linen for his
occasions—recover what I lent him—some curious
observations on Strap on that occasion—his vanity.

In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited
two hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for breaking his
appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, in hope of finding the
villain, and being revenged on him for his breach of promise. At length I
found myself at the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young
fellows walking below, many of whom made no better appearance than
myself. I consulted the physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one
whose countenance I liked, and asked, if he could instruct me in the form of
the letter which was to be sent to the Board to obtain an order for
examination? He answered me in broad Scotch, that he would show me the
copy of what he had writ for himself, by direction of another who know the
form, and accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told
me that, if I was expeditious, I might send it into the Board before dinner,
for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to coffee-
house hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to
the messenger, who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the
same time.
Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal
composed; and as I had met with so much civility from the stranger, I
desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be

deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau. He
agreed to dine with me at the cook’s shop which I frequented; and on our
way thither carried me to ’Change, where I was in hopes of finding Mr.
Jackson (for that was the name of the person who had broke his
appointment), I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way towards the
other end of the town imparted to my companion his behaviour towards me;
upon which he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to the name
of Bean Jackson (so he was called at the Navy Office), although he did not
know him personally; that he had the character of a good-natured careless
fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any that would lend; that
most people who knew him believed he had a good principle at bottom, but
his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his power to
manifest the honesty of his intention. This made me sweat for my five
shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering,
provided I could find out the debtor.
This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson’s
history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself for
sea, when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to a
person who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will entitling that
person to lift his wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his
effects in case of his death. That he was still under the tutorage and
direction of that gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to
time upon this security, at the rate of fifty per cent. But at present his credit
was very low, because his funds would do little more than pay what he had
already received, this moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose
name was Thompson) had entertained me with this account of Jackson, he
informed me that he himself had passed for third mate of a third-rate, about
four months ago; since which time he had constantly attended at the Navy
Office, in hope of a warrant, having been assured from the beginning, both
by a Scotch member, and one of the commissioners to whom the member
recommended him, that he should be put into the first vacancy;
notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to see six or seven
appointed in the same station almost every week—that now being utterly
impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come
to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the secretary; without
which he was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose. I
conceived a mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe)

proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We spent the whole day
together; and as he lived at Wapping I desired him to take a share of my
bed.
Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called before
the Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and education,
they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half-a-
crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the hands of the clerk at
Surgeons’ Hall, together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my
name. By this time my whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I
saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less
to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeons’ Hall for my examination, which
would come on in a fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap,
who assured me he would pawn everything he had in the world, even to his
razors, before I should want: but this expedient I absolutely rejected, telling
him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had some
thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the word soldier, he grew
pale as death, and begged on his knees I would think no more of that
scheme. “God preserve us all in our right wits!” cried he, “would you turn
soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must
stand and be shot at like a woodcock? Heaven keep cold lead out of my
carcase, and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as all my forefathers have
done. What signifies all earthly riches and honour, if one enjoys not
content? and, hereafter, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor
honest barber with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon
my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless us!) by a musket-shot, as it were
in the very flower of one’s age, in the pursuit of riches and fame. What
signify riches, my dear friend? do they not make unto themselves wings and
fly away? as the wise man saith. I could also mention many other sayings in
contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books; but I know
you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure you, that if you
take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both be
slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also:
and peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle.
Therefore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with
small things and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence
shall send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls and
bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid!” I

could not help smiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great
earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes all the time, and promised to do
nothing of that sort without his consent and concurrence. He was much
comforted with this declaration; and told me in a few days he should
receive a week’s wages, which should be at my service, but advised me in
the meantime to go in quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he
had borrowed of me. I accordingly trudged about from one end of the town
to the other, for several days, without being able to learn anything certain
concerning him: and, one day being extremely hungry, and allured by the
steams that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an
intention to gratify my appetite with a twopennyworth of beef; when to my
no small surprise found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman. He no
sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me by the hands saying, he
was glad to see me, for he intended to have called at my lodgings in the
afternoon. I was so well pleased at this rencounter and the apologies he
made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and sat
down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only recovering my own
money before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit of his promise
to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this hope my sanguine
complexion suggested, though the account Thompson gave me of him
ought to have moderated my expectation.
When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and
adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by the
hand again, he began thus: “I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random,
and I do confess that appearances are against me. But I dare say you will
forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed was owing
to a peremptory message I received from a certain lady, whom, harkee! (but
this is a great secret) I am to marry very soon. You think this strange,
perhaps, but it is not less true for all that—a five thousand pounder, I’ll
assure you, besides expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I know
what any woman can see engaging about me—but a whim, you know—and
then one would not balk one’s good fortune. You saw that footman who
dined with us—he’s one of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery. You
must know it was by his means I was introduced to her, for he made me
first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a crown
has he and his sweetheart had of my money—but what of that? things are
now brought to a bearing. I have—(come a little this way) I have proposed

marriage, and the day is fixed—she’s a charming creature, and writes like
an angel! She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a player in
Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near the stage she
has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; but you shall see—you
shall see—here’s the last letter she sent me.” With these words, he put it
into my hand, and I read (to the best of my remembrance) as follows:

‘Dear Kreeter—As you are the animable hopjack of my
contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before
my keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the
heys of slipping mortals; and when Febus shines from his
merry dying throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time has
lost his pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy
sweet propose in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to
commend,

Clayrender

Wingar Yard, Drury Lane,
January 12th.’

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands,
and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and
squeezing it, cried, “There—a style for you! What do you think of this
billet-doux?” I answered, “It might be sublime for aught I knew, for it was
altogether above my comprehension.” “Oh, ho!” said he, “I believe it is—
both tender and sublime; she’s a divine creature! and so doats upon me! Let
me see—what shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my
hands? In the first place, I shall do for you. I’m a man of few words—-but
say no more that’s determined; whether would you advise me, to purchase
some post, by which I may rise in the state, or lay out my wife’s fortune in
land, and retire to the country at once?” I gave my opinion without
hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an estate and improve;
especially since he had already seen so much of the world. Then I launched
out into the praises of a country life, as described by the poets whose works
I had read. He seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although
he had seen a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruised
three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he

had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle; and to
carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his proposal; and
asked how soon he hoped to be happy. “As to that,” he replied, “nothing
obstructs my happiness but the want of a little ready cash; for you must
know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or two, but I
unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by being detained too long by
the dear charmer—but there will be a recall at Chatham next week, whither
the ship’s books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that place to
receive the money.” “If that be all,” said I, “there’s no great harm in
deferring your marriage a few days.” “Yes, faith, but there is,” said he; “you
don’t know how many rivals I have, who would take all advantages against
me. I would not balk the impatience of her passion for the world—the least
appearance of coldness or indifference would ruin all; and such offers don’t
occur every day.”
I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to
proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I must
be obliged to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would lend
me a small sum for a day or two?” I assured him, I was such an utter
stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life
depended upon it. “No!” said he, “that’s hard—that’s hard! I wish I had
anything to pawn—upon my soul, you have got excellent linen (feeling the
sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of that kind have you got?” I
answered, “Six ruffled, and six plain.” At which he testified great surprise,
and declared that no gentleman ought to have more than four. “How many
d’ye think I have got?” continued he; “but this and another, as I hope to be
saved! and I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out of your
superfluity: let me see—let me see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen
shillings at a moderate computation—now, suppose we pawn them for half-
price—eight times eight is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; that will do
—give me your hand.” “Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I; “don’t dispose
of my linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and
then we shall talk of other matters.” He protested that he had not above one
shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of the money
raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me so much that I
swore I would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I
had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save
him from the gallows.

At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very
hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not
only to make his own fortune but mine also. “You talk of pawning my
shirts,” said I; “suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe
it would fetch a good round sum.” “No, hang it!” said he, “I can’t appear
decently without my hanger, lest it should go.” However, seeing me
inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and,
showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it
for two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I
seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a
piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should perhaps ever
have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s shop, where I demanded two guineas
on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. “Two guineas!” said the
pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; “this piece of goods has been here
several times before for thirty shillings: however, since I believe the
gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants;”
and accordingly he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I
had left Jackson; and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and
thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself. After looking at the
money some time, he said, “Well! it don’t signify—this won’t do my
business; so you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five
shillings you have kept.” I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of any
more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon
which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively raw
or I would not talk in that manner. “Upon my word,” cried he, “I have a
very bad opinion of a young fellow who won’t borrow of his friend when he
is in want—’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give
me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are
able to pay me, I believe you will: if not, I shall never ask it.”
When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be
persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who
offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better
opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night imparted
my day’s adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying, “I told
you if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and who knows but this
marriage may make us all. You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman
of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and

now keeps his coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving
a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room, and she
threw so many sheep’s eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name, that
my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-
shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose;
whereby he uttered a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when
she prevented him, and made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good
as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the
belly, and the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble
member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for what’s
the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither read nor
write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak Latin—but I will
say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity.” With
these words, he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle’s end, which he
applied to his forehead; and upon examination, I found had combed his own
hair over the toupee of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become
a very smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical
smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I
had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my
incredulity.

CHAPTER XVII

I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am
examined—a fierce dispute arises between two of the
examiners—Jackson disguises himself to attract respect—
irises himself to attract respect—is detected—in hazard of
being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us
to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure there—we are
committed to the Round-house—carried before a Justice—
his behaviour

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the
money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of
examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in order
to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in
the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up;
and, inquiring into the state of his love affair, understood it was still
undetermined, by reason of his friend’s absence, and the delay of the recall
at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then
asked what his business was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to
have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the
other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher
qualification. At that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of
examination, with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as
wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked
about him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met
with; which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions
they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no
less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did
with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle called my name,
with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was no remedy. I was

conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting
at a long table: one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious
tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first
question he put to me was, “Where was you born?” To which I answered,
“In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said he; “I know that very well—we have
scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you Scotchmen have
overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of
Scotland was you born?” I named the place of my nativity, which he had
never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town
where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I
informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion,
swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as
surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the
English, to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a
time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that
my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or
shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any
rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education. This
exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits; but on the
contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely able to stand;
which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to me with a
skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man;
and, turning towards me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do
me any harm: then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined
me, touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with
my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by
asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and I replying in the
affirmative, he shook his head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I
suppose?” “If,” continued he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should
be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave?” After
some hesitation, I owned such a case had never come under my
observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method of care
proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had
perused.
Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of
the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to smile,
except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the ‘animal risible’ in

his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his
last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric
habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what would you do?” I answered, “I
would bleed him immediately.” “What!” said he, “before you had tied up
his arm?” But this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired
me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who, with a pert air,
asked, what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I
repeated the method of care as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical
writers, which he heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile,
“So you think with such treatment the patient might recover?” I told him I
saw nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may be,” resumed he; “I
won’t answer for your foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind
succeed?” I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never
seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some
precipitation, “Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines,
whether great or small, are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,” says the fat
gentleman, “there is very good authority—” Here he was interrupted by the
other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority—Nullius in verbo—I
stand on my own bottom.” “But sir, sir,” replied his antagonist, “the reason
of the thing shows—” “A fig for reason,” cries this sufficient member; “I
laugh at reason; give me ocular demonstratio.” The corpulent gentleman
began to wax warm, and observed, that no man acquainted with the
anatomy of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This
inuendo enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone
exclaimed: “What, Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”
By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other
of the disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the chairman
commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of
an hour, I was called in again, received my qualification scaled up, and was
ordered to pay five shillings. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and
stood some time, until one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, “I will
when I have got my change:” upon which another threw me five shillings
and sixpence, saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away
without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shillings and
sixpence to the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall:
this disbursement sank my finances to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which
I was sneaking off, when Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged

I would tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other end of the
town, as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a
person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change of
his dress which was varied in half-an-hour from what I have already
described to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old
smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat over
it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or a dustman;
his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had twisted,
and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby greatcoat that wrapped up his
whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted
hose: and his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard
of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise at this metamorphosis,
he laughed, and told me it was done by the advice and assistance of a
friend, who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something
very much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which
never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and waited with
impatience for the effects of it. At length he was called in; but whether the
oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity more than small in the board,
or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was
discovered to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the beadle in order
to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a
cheerful countenance, and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I perceived
him led through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very much alarmed,
and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable voice,
and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know him, “For God’s
sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same individual John Jackson
who served as surgeon’s second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall
go to Bridewell!”
It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever lived
to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we therefore
indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his
cause so effectually with the beadle who was gratified with half-a-crown,
that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few moments renewed his former
gaiety—swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend
every shilling before he went to bed, in treating his friends; at the same time
inviting us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o’clock at
night, and, as I had a great way to walk through streets that were utterly

unknown to me, I was prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would
afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He
conducted me to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way where
we continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and
made us all extremely frolicsome. I, in particular, was so much elevated,
that nothing would serve me but a wench; at which demand Jackson
expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire. before we
parted Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roaring
and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal
entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s dress attracted the assiduities of two or
three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack punch
with which he treated them, till at length sleep began to exert his power
over us all, and our conductor called “To pay.” When the bill was brought,
which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might
have saved himself the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident
disconcerted him a good deal at first; but after some recollection, he seized
the two ladies who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not
immediately restore his money he would charge a constable with them. The
good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to the
drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was the
matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she refused him
satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends committed to
Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my house! Gentlemen and
Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my reputation.”
At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she proceeded “What!
you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions to ruin my character,
but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr. Constable, I charge you
with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here; I shall take care
and bring an action against him for defamation.”
While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me
quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that passed
between us, cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the constable to
take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the
utter astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been
often in such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable,
in his turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were
carried altogether prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word

of comfort to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he
said he would swear next morning before the justice. In a little time the
constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive
that you and your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being
involved in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while;
she has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and
although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her
interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay
contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her
complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence to swear
whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so that, unless you can make
it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves
happily quit for a month’s hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should
swear a robbery or an assault against you, you will be committed to
Newgate and tried at the next session at the Old Bailey for your life.” This
last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to
make it up, provided his money might be restored. The constable told him,
that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would
cost him some more before they could come to any composition. But,
however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them
about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his
friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this
dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our
adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so
effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly
proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each
party in three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we
drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late
acquaintances and me, who had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson
mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl—
to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling—it was morning,
and I proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to
understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice,
before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the
hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.
About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice not
many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the constable

enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows:
“So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of rogues have you
been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he
continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh, your humble servant,
Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house.
Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine. You have used expedition,”
said he to me, “in returning from transportation; but we shall save you that
trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you from your next
transportation, at their expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in
me, for he had never seen me in his life before. To this declaration he
replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you
think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent, which you have
assumed? But it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you.
Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan.”
Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come
to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The
justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which
he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce
countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do you
give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who affronts me
upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for notwithstanding your
laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.” My friend was so much
abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation,
that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his
worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery,
continued his threats, “Now, I am convinced you are a thief—your face
discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be
hanged, sirrah,” raising his voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been
for the world, as well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been
detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk,
and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of consternation, when
the constable, going into another room with his worship, acquainted him
with the truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling
countenance, and, addressing himself to us all, said it was always his way to
terrify young people when they came before him, that his threats might
make a strong impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in
scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge.

Thus, having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of
paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as
if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.

CHAPTER XVIII

I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it
—the behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my
absence—a battle betwixt him a blacksmith—the
troublesome consequences of it—his harangue to me—his
friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a French
Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman

I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my
companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy
office, before one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave them to
the secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find
myself qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck them all
together on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to
which interrogation he answered “No!” Then I ventured to inquire if many
ships were to be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed
me with a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office,
locked the door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs,
and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of
them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and
each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; but that none of
them relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, with
whom some of the commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of
them had provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give.
This was a vexatious question to me who (far from being in a capacity to
gratify a ravenous secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I
therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off
toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and inveighing with
much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid
avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence.

Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I
lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this
honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he never
should see me again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning,
understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after
having obtained leave of his master, had gone in quest of me, though he was
even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform the
landlord of my adventure, I told him I had met an acquaintance at Surgeons’
Hall, with whom I spent the evening and night; but being very much
infested with bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a
little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened if Strap
should happen to come while I should be asleep. I was accordingly roused
by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three o’clock in the
afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes that I could scarce believe real.
In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons’ Hall, had
inquired for me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to the
Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown
to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon ’Change, in hopes of
seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.
At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask
everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him
information about me! and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of
the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered; until a
blacksmith’s ’prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back,
and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to
him, and asked if the person he inquired after was not a Scotchman? Strap
replied with great eagerness, “Yes, and had on a brown coat, with long
skirts.” “The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw him pass by an hour ago,”
“Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands, “Odd! I am very glad of that
—which way went he?” “Towards Tyburn in a cart,” said he, “if you make
good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.” This
piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the
blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half-a-farthing.
“No, no!” said the other, stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you
Scotchmen seldom carry anything about you; but I’ll fight you for love.”
There was a ring immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he
could not get off honourably without fighting, at the same time burning

with resentment against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the
multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who
in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist,
who sustained the assault with great coolness, till finding the barber quite
spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such interest, that Strap,
after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed
the blacksmith to be the better man.
The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar
hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his
clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free with
his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and probably his
coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth
stealing. It was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to
the spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished
with much difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and
dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me
safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his
embraces. After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a
woollen nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night’s
campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with
great energy an observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that
surely London is the devil’s drawing-room.’ As neither of us had dined, he
desired me to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he
went downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we
made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which
amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an old
wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster.
He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in
order to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is
impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable
dependence in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s boy. My pride
took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I
came to a resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event
what it would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave
great satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own
regiment, when Strap’s return interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had

made him a present of the tie-wig which he wore, when I was introduced to
him, together with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a
Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not
choose to entertain the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately,
and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this
office, he addressed me thus: “To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a
gentleman, and have a great deal of learning—and, indeed, look like a
gentleman; for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of
them. On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler’s son: my mother
was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took
to drinking, which you very well know; but everybody has failings—
Humanum est errare. Now myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably
well made and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek; but
what of that? Perhaps I might also say, that I know a little of the world; but
that is to no purpose,—though you be gentle, and I simple, it does not
follow, but that I who am simple may do a good office to you who are
gentle. Now this is the case: my kinsman, the schoolmaster—perhaps you
did not know how nearly he is related to me—I’ll satisfy you in that
presently; his mother and my grandmother’s sister’s nephew—no, that’s not
it!—my grandfather’s brother’s daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the
degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times removed.” My
impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the better of my
temper, and I interrupted him at this place with the exclamation, “If the
schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me, why don’t you tell me
without all this preamble?” When I pronounced these words with some
vehemence, Strap looked at me for same time with a grave countenance,
and then went on: “I’m very sorry to see such an alteration in your temper
of late; you were always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old
Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played
so many unlucky tricks while we were at school—but I will no longer
detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than
doubt—Dubio procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, or which you
will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you;
for you may be sure I did not fail to let him know of your good qualities—
by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of the English
tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for business in this
country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary

who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have fifteen
pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you please.” I was too much
interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but,
jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately accompanying me to the house
of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay or
neglect on my part.
We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a public-
house in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking
with the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the
door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his usual
term of admiration. “Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer, you did
not take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leaped out of the window:
did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy
of God you did not knock your brains out against some post in your career.
Oh, my conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my
habitation—the very penetralia—your eagerness would have surmounted
bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The den of Cacus, or sanctum
sanctorum, could not have hid me from you. But come along the gentleman
of whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him forthwith.” When
I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoking, one of whom
the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr. Lavement, here’s the young man of
whom I spoke to you.” The apothecary, who was a little old withered man,
with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek-
bones that helped to form a pit for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose
skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon,
and a mouth so much accustomed to that contraction which produces
grinning, that he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the
remains of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly,
by anatomists, called canine. This person, I say, after having eyed me some
time, said, “Oho, ’tis ver well, Monsieur Concordance; young man, you are
ver welcome, take one coup of bierre—and come to mine house to-morrow
morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you de way.” Upon this I made
my bow, and as I went out of the room could hear him say, “Ma foi! c’est
un beau garçon; c’est un gaillard.”
As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the
French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language and
understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend

ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be
of the same country, not being on the reserve before me, I might possibly
discover something in discourse, which would either yield me amusement
or advantage. Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the
apothecary’s house, where the bargain was made, and orders given to
provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I entered upon
business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave me
credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages,
and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me
with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make a
very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage
to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs,
furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by
way of candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror; the
rest of its ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for
the convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first
floor.

CHAPTER XIX

The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—
some anecdotes of the family—the mother and daughter
rivals—I am guilty of a mistake that gives me present
satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome consequences

Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well
dressed came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and taking
an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me
narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her
sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of entertaining the same
indifference and neglect towards her. At dinner the maids, with whom I
dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that this was my master’s only
daughter, who would have a very handsome fortune, on account of which,
and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her
—that she had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the
stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to promote the
match; for which reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all
the filial veneration that might be expected. In particular she harboured the
most perfect hatred for his countrymen; in which disposition she resembled
her mother, who was an English-woman; and, by the hints they dropped, I
learned the gray mare was the better horse—that she was a matron of a high
spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her dependents; that
she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her rival in all parties—
which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; for had the mother
been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured to refuse her
demands. Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made more
discoveries. Mr. Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she looked
another way, convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and
his behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief torment

was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light than
that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without
being honoured with one word from either mother or daughter; the latter (as
I understood from the maids) having at table one day expressed some
surprise that her papa should entertain such an awkward mean-looking
journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of information, and next Sunday (it
being my turn to take my diversion) dressed myself in my new clothes to
the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.
After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some
of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by miss,
who not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I
returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had turned
about, she had perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but did not
withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away without jolting
her; so I was forced to remain where I was with my eyes fixed to the
ground, and my face glowing with blushes. At length, her vanity coming to
her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the
word ‘creature!’ From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty times,
every day upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous
airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me was changed, and that
she did not think me altogether an unworthy conquest. But my heart was so
steeled against her charms by pride and resentment, which were two chief
ingredients in my disposition, that I remained insensible to all her arts; and
notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to
yield her the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the favourable
impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in
her heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice
could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me
such servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently humble my
spirit. One day in particular, she ordered me to brush my master’s coat; but
I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears
of rage; when her mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the
cause, determined it in my favour: and this good office I owed not to any
esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of
mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let people be
never so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them
justice, but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some people

were ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This insinuation of
some people and some folks put me upon observing the behaviour of my
mistress more narrowly for the future: and it was not long before I had
reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the
affections of Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the house.
In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of
my master, who would often say in French, “Mardy! c’est un bon garçon.”
He had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed among his
fellow refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for medicines
was not great; for he was the most expert man at a succedaneum of any
apothecary in London, so that I have been sometimes amazed to see him,
without the least hesitation, make up a physician’s prescription, though he
had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could
convert into crab’s eyes; common oil into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of
sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; and a
hundred more costly preparations were produced in an instant, from the
cheapest and coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when any common
thing was ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour
or taste, or both, in such a manner that it could not possibly be known; for
which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great service. Mr.
Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into
his family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and
decrying the use of flesh, both as a physician and philosopher; but all his
rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of
his bosom declared against the proposal.
One afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and his daughter gone to
visit, this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and the
captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening,
and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my
master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I told
him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This
was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who starting back, cried,
“Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My vife not at home!” At that instant a
patient’s servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master
taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While he
rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or no
his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with

the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces,
and grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It
would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute
longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened,
and perceived my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced
immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you
thought I was lost, my dear. Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat
me with a play.” The reply, it may be supposed, was anything but courteous
but the captain, who had been all the time at the door discharging the coach,
entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, saluted him with all the
usual politesse of a Frenchman.
Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the family
secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every day improved
in my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward air by degrees, and
acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.

CHAPTER XX

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—suspect
O’Donnell, and am confirmed in my opinion—concert a
scheme of revenge, and put it into execution—O’Donnell
robs his own servant and disappears—make my addresses to
a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare

One night, at about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a patient at
Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretched
me senseless on the ground; and was left for dead with three stabs of a
sword in my body. The groans I uttered when I recovered the use of my
reason alarmed the people of a solitary alehouse that stood near the spot
where I lay: and they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a
surgeon, who dressed my wounds, and assured me they were not mortal.
One of them penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my
belly in such a manner, that doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me
through the entrails. The second slanted along one of my ribs; and the last,
which was intended for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my
heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point remained
sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade
myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad, because it is not
usual for such people to murder though they rob, especially when they meet
with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else about me
but my carcase, safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have been
mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret
enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who had
the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell and my
master’s daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to
conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.

With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o’clock in the
morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the captain
in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back and gave evident
signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from surprise
occasioned by the seeing me in such a condition. My master having heard
my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy, and when he
understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be carried
upstairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his wife, who was
of opinion that it would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should
be more carefully attended. My meditation was employed in concerting
with myself some method of revenge against Squire O’Donnell and his
inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of my misfortune; when miss,
who was not at home at my arrival, entered my chamber, and saying she
was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I suspected
anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly upon
her and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no symptom of confusion, but
replied hastily, “If that be the case, why don’t you take out a warrant, to
have him apprehended? It will cost but a trifle—if you have no money, I’ll
lend you.” This frankness not only cured me of my suspicion with respect to
her, but even staggered my belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt
I resolved to have further proof before I should enterprise anything in the
way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for her generous offer, which,
however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing
rashly: for though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be
a soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear with a
safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could, my
prosecution of him would not much avail.
This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I
knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I
could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up and able to do a
little business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his practice
without hiring another journeyman in my room.
The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret
enemy, was to get into O’Donnell’s apartment, while he was abroad in an
undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broken off, I
applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it
answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt; and

all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely
engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days.
Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had
practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault my honour
opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be
imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding satisfaction in
an honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by considering
the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me,
which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I determined to pursue
a middle course, and actually put my design in execution after this manner.
Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom
he could depend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused
the following letter to be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery,
one Sunday evening:—

“Sir—If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will
not be disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone
to Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not return till to-
morrow night; so that, if you have anything to propose to me
(as your behaviour on many occasions has seemed to
insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present
opportunity of seeing,

Yours, etc.”

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived in
Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything
succeeded to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of appointment,
and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We
rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even
to the skin, which was scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head
to foot, notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications.
When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his
clothes, which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to
find his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there
before him. I afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a
friend, who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch,

who carried him to the round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his
lodgings, and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a
blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled, that he
could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated with
the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied with each
other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself could not
forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins, while he ordered me
to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself, nobody can doubt my
gratification, when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge
protracted on the body of my adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been
the cause; and, indeed, I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea’d
him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being
attacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave
information to those who found his clothes next day, whither to bring them;
and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost except a few letters,
among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of the
apothecary’s wife. This, and the others, which were all on the subject of
love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called
fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for
the scandal she has published; who, after having embellished them with
some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the to town in print. I
was very much shocked on reflection, that I might possibly be the occasion
of a whole family’s unhappiness on account of the letter I had written; but
was eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea
apothecary had commenced a lawsuit against the printer for defamation,
and looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author,
who had disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our
two ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for as soon as the
pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient considerably
diminish, till at last it ended in a total neglect. It was impossible for him to
be ignorant of this change, any more than of the occasion of it; but as he
was conscious to himself of having deserved worse than contempt at their
hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented himself with
muttering curses and threats against the apothecary, who, as he imagined,
having got an inkling of the appointment with his wife, had taken revenge
of him in the manner described. By the time he had got a new scarf skin his
character was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to

decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat of drum,
after having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to him
except the clothes he had on his back.
A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security,
took into his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it was very
heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to indemnify him
for what O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being elapsed without
hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and my master being impatient to
know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open in his
presence, which task I performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and
discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of
stones.
About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go
abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at the same
time assured me that, whatever advantage he might propose to himself from
this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me, so much
was he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this
poor, honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I
began to be tired of his acquaintance: and now that I had contracted other
friendships which appeared more creditable, was even ashamed to see a
journeyman barber inquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion. I
therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon his accepting
the proposal, which he at last determined to embrace, with great reluctance,
and in a few days, took his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I
could not behold without emotion. I now began to look upon me as of a
gentleman in reality; learned to dance, frequented plays during the holidays;
became the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my
decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who
found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed,
after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage.
As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good
fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes by
matrimony, when I made such a discovery as effectually turned me from my
design, and I abandoned all thoughts of marriage for the future.

CHAPTER XXI

Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved
in a troublesome affair, out of which he is extricated by me
—he marries my master’s daughter—they conspire against
me—I am found guilty of theft, discharged—deserted by my
friends, I hire a room in St. Gile’s—where, by accident, I
find the lady to whom I paid my addresses in a miserable
condition—I relieve her

When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let his
first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who by this
time had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his
appearance that I was afraid he would remember what happened between us
in Scotland, and atone for his breach of appointment then by his punctuality
now; but whether he had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me
believe so, he betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at sight of me,
and I remained quite cured of my apprehension; though I had occasion not
long after to be convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he
was at bottom the same individual Gawky, whom I have already described.
For coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise
in the street, and as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody, of
three watchmen. The prisoners, who were miserable, disfigured with dirt,
complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and one of them,
whom by his tongue I know to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously,
offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alleging that
one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to
the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country was so
strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it in distress, and
therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the
watchman who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned.

He was no sooner disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left
me to maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and, indeed, I came off
but scurvily, for, before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow
on the eye, from one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the
use of that organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed
of Captain Gawky’s being robbed and abused by a company of footpads,
and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric
draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned
by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took twelve ounces
of blood from him immediately.
When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood by
the servant that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no
scruple of believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed
in my belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before that event) I had long
been a stranger.
My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect
upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to
declare the truth of the whole story in order to be revenged on the cowardly
wretch for whom I had suffered: accordingly, next day after he had told, in
presence of my master, his wife and daughter, who came to him, a thousand
lies concerning the prowess he had shown in making his escape, I ventured
to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence of my contused eye,
upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at
this that he could not answer one word, and the rest of the company stared
at one another; till at length my mistress reprimanded me for my insolent
behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption. Upon
which, Gawky (having recollected himself) observed, as the young man
might have mistaken another person for him, he could forgive his
insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his
incivility; but advised me to be more certain in my conjectures for the
future, before I ventured to publish them to the prejudice of any man. Miss
applauded the Captain’s generosity in pardoning one who had so
villainously aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all
disinterested. But the apothecary, who perhaps had more penetration or less
partiality than his wife and daughter, differed from them in their sentiments
of the matter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: “Ah
mon pauvre Roderique! you have more of de veracite dan of de prudence—

bot mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine un
fanfaron, pardieu!”
This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by
him, was nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky, the
one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a
juncture when one was absolutely necessary. The young lady insinuated
herself so artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less than a
fortnight, on pretence of going to the play, they drove away together to the
Fleet, where they were married; and in the morning came home, where they
asked her father’s and mother’s blessing. The prudent parents,
notwithstanding the precipitation with which the match was carried on, did
not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill
pleased to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect,
who had not mentioned one syllable on the article of her dowry; and his
wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival and a spy upon her. Whatever face
Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before related, and
the reproaches I vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and
cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast, that he imparted his
indignation to his wife, who being as desirous as himself to accomplish the
ruin of one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion
to discover particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily
joined in a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as they
expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.
My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of
which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain terms
taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could only
oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one day, “Your
vord not be give me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to chercher for my
medicine; pardonnez moi—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your
coffre a cette heure.” Then raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in
lest I should make any opposition, he went on, “Oui! I charge you rendez le
clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous parle.” I was fired with so much
resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into tears, which he
took for a sign of guilt; and pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy
himself immediately, though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for
the injury my reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion. He took the
key and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family, saying,

“Eh bien, nous verrons—nous verrons.” But what was my horror and
amazement, when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very
things that were missing, and pronounced, “Ah, ha, vous etes bienvenu—
mardy, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent!” I had not power to utter
one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while
everybody present made their respective remarks on what appeared against
me. The servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away
repeating, “Who would have thought it?” My mistress took occasion from
this detection to rail against the practice of employing strangers in general;
and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a good opinion
of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the justice and
committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the
stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement knowing the cost and
trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the same
time dreading lest some particulars of my confession might affect his
practice, called out. “Restez, mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand
crime which dis pauvre diable have committed—bot peut-etre de good God
give him de penitence, and me vill not have upon mine head de blood of
one sinner.” The captain and his lady used all the Christian arguments their
zeal could suggest to prevail upon the apothecary to pursue me to
destruction, and represented the injustice he did to the community of which
he was a member, in letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing
more mischief in the world when he should reflect on his coming off so
easily now; but their eloquence made no impression on my master, who
turning to me said, “Go, miserable, go from mine house quick, quick!—and
make reparation for your mauvaise actions.” By this time my indignation
had roused me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained and I
began in this manner:—“Sir, appearances I own condemn me; but you are
imposed upon as much as I am abused: I have fallen a sacrifice to the
rancour of that scoundrel” (pointing to Gawky) “who has found means to
convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might blast my
reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred to me is owing to a
consciousness of his having wronged me in my own country—for which
injury he in a cowardly manner, refused me the satisfaction of a gentleman;
he knows, moreover, that I am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this
town, which I have recounted before, and he is unwilling that such a
testimony of his ingratitude and pusillanimity should live upon the earth;

for this reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my
ruin. And I am afraid, madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too easily
entered into the sentiments of your husband. I have often found you my
enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I
don’t at present think proper to declare; but I would advise you, for your
own sake, not to drive me to extremity.” This address enraged her so much
that with a face as red us scarlet and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me
and putting her hands in her side, spat in my face, saying, I was a
scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her papa
would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay another
night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming a big look, told
me, he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but that, if I pretended
to asperse his wife, he would put me to death. To this threat I answered, “I
wish I could meet with thee in a desert, that I might have an opportunity of
punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a
rascal. What hinders me this moment,” said I, seizing an old bottle that
stood by, “from doing myself that justice?” I had no sooner armed myself in
this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that
the one overturned the other, and they rolled together down stairs, while my
mistress swooned away with fear, and her daughter asked if I intended to
murder her. I gave her to understand, that nothing was farther from my
intention, that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience; but
was firmly resolved to slit her husband’s nose, whenever fortune should
offer a convenient opportunity. Then going down stairs, I met Lavement
coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed
with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley: and having
assured him of my pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, “Ah, villain! you
have killed my dear wife.” And the apothecary cried, “Ah, coquin! vere is
my shild?” “The lady,” said I, “is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a
few months hence, I believe reward your concern.” Here she called to them,
and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further
about him. To which request her father consented, observing, nevertheless,
that my conversation was ‘very mysterious.’
Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house
immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing
myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but,
to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone to the country, where he would

stay two or three days. I returned with a design of consulting some
acquaintance I had acquired in the neighbourhood; but my story had taken
air through the officiousness of the servants, and not one of my friends
would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of
mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than ever: for though I had
been formerly as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health
unimpaired till now; but at present my good name was lost, my money
gone, my friends were alienated, my body was infected by an odious
distemper; and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and
assistance, absent I knew not where.
The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was to
remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had formerly
lodged, where I remained two days in hopes of getting another place by the
interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to
vindicate my character; but in this supposition I reckoned without my best,
for Lavement took care to be beforehand with me; and when I attempted to
explain the whole affair to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed
against me, that he would scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished
my justification, shook his head, and beginning with his usual exclamation
said, “That won’t go down with me. I am very sorry I should have the
misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but, however, shall be more
cautious for the future. I will trust no man from henceforward—no, not my
father who begat me, nor the brother who lay with me in my mother’s
womb: should Daniel rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor;
and were the genius of truth to appear, would question its veracity!” I told
him, that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had
suffered, and repent of his premature determination. To which remark he
answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with
joy; “but till that shall happen,” continued he, “I must beg to have no
manner of connection with you—my reputation is at stake. I shall be looked
upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will say Jonathan Wild was
but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along; and the cinder-
wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin: I
shall be notorious—the very butt of slander, and sink of infamy!” I was not
in a humour to relish the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman
valued himself in all his discourses; but, without any ceremony, took my
leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror which my situation could

suggest. I considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence, that I
must, in some shape suit my expense to my calamitous circumstances, and
with that view hired an apartment in a garret near St. Giles’s, at the rate of
nine-pence per week.
I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the unhappiness
of my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous
to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found a woman stretched on a
miserable truckle bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a
smelling bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she
opened her eyes; but, good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul,
when I discovered her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed
over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her
deplorable situation filled my breast with compassion. She knew me
immediately; and, straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears,
which I could not help increasing. At length, casting a languishing look at
me, she pronounced with a feeble voice, “Dear Mr. Random, I do not
deserve this concern at your hands: I am a vile creature, who had a base
design upon your person—suffer me, to expiate that, and all my other
crimes, by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few
hours.” I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her
intentions with regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were
extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. I begged in the
meantime to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had just
recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more
such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression, took my
hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, “You are too generous! I wish I
could live to express my gratitude—but alas! I perish for want.” Then
shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such extremity of
distress must have waked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and
compassion; what effect then must it have had on mine, that was naturally
prone to every tender passion? I ran downstairs, and sent my landlady to a
chemist’s shop for some cinnamon water, while I, returning to this
unfortunate creature’s chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her
to herself; this aim with much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink
a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits: then I prepared a little mulled red
wine and a toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived,
and informed me, that she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours

before. As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her calamity,
she gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the town by
profession; that in the course of her adventures she found herself
dangerously infected with a distemper, to which all of her class are
particularly subject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she became
loathsome to herself and offensive to others: when she resolved to retire to
some obscure corner where she might be cured with as little noise and
expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat,
and put herself into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced
her of all the money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a
worse condition than that in which he found her; that except the clothes on
her back, she had pawned or sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy
that rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still
persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street. After having moralised
upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room
with me, an expedient that would save some money: and assured her, I
would undertake to cure her as well as my own, during which she should
partake of all the conveniences that I could afford to myself. She embraced
my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put it in practice
immediately. I found her not only an agreeable companion, whose
conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who
served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified
my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and education (for she
had a large portion of each), could be reduced to such an infamous and
miserable way of life, she answered with a sigh, “These very advantages
were the cause of my undoing.” This remarkable reply inflamed my
curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she would favour me with the
particulars of her story, and she complied in these words.

CHAPTER XXII

The History of Miss Williams

‘My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the
course of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age with
his wife to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the
remains of his fortune. At that time, I being but eight years of age, was left
in town for the convenience of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a
rigid presbyterian, and confined me so closely to what she called the duties
of religion, that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees
received an aversion for the good books, she daily recommended to my
perusal. As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable,
I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom,
after having lamented the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my
aunt’s sentiments, told me I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion
imbibed under her influence and example, and learn to think for myself; for
which purpose she advised me to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all
the authors that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of
thinking, and by comparing one with the other, I should soon be able to
form a system of my own. I followed her advice; and whether it was owing
to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the clearness of
argument in these my new instructors, I know not; but I studied them with
pleasure, and in a short time became a professed freethinker. Proud of my
improvement, I argued in all companies, and that with such success, that I
soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher, and few people durst
undertake me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length
pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner
perceived my drift than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account
of my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to
remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted

such sinful principles. Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country,
where I arrived in the fifteenth year of my age, and, by his command gave
him a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so
unreasonable as they had been represented. Finding myself suddenly
deprived of the company and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy and
it was some time before I could relish my situation. But solitude became
every day more and more familiar to me and I consoled myself in my
retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were not
employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been dead
three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion. Having more
imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to poetry and
romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by
everybody in the country where I resided.
‘I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that
bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father’s house, when
a certain drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and crying, “Holloa,
there’s a charming creature!” alighted in a moment, caught me in his arms,
and treated me so rudely that I shrieked as loud as I could, and in the
meantime opposed his violence with all the strength that rage and
resentment could inspire. During this struggle, another horseman came up,
who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted, and flew to my
assistance. The squire, mad with disappointment, or provoked with the
reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse,
drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired it at my protector, who happily
receiving no damage, went up, and, with the butt-end of his whip laid him
prostrate on the ground before he could use the other, which his antagonist
immediately seized, and, clapping to the squire’s breast, threatened to put
him to death for his cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I interposed
and begged his life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked
pardon, and swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss. However, my
defender thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away the
flints, before he gave him his liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me
home, where my father having learned the signal service he had done me,
loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our
house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me with
sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to entitle
him to somewhat more. He was about the age of two-and-twenty, among

the tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied
up in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline,
lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain
openness of countenance—but why need I describe any more particulars of
his person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter,
when I say he was the exact resemblance of you; and if I had not been well
acquainted with his family and degree, I should have made no scruple of
concluding that you was his brother. He spoke and seemed to have no
reserve: for what he said was ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon. “In
short,” said she, bursting into tears, “he was formed for the ruin of our sex.
His behaviour was modest and respectful, but his looks were so significant,
that I could easily observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced
him to my acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was the
eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we
were no strangers—that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the country,
from whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought him to
my rescue.”
‘All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous
expectations: there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman’s
coming to the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately
became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my
fancy; and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of romance,
who being delivered from the power of some brutal giant or satyr, by a
generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led by inclination,
to yield up my affections to him without reserve. In vain did I endeavour to
chastise these foolish conceits by reflections more reasonable and severe:
the amusing images took full possession of my mind, and my dreams
represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the language of a despairing
lover. Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father
begged the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which request he
replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence and
tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression. In a short time
he repeated his visit; and as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to
ruin me would be tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it
his business to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his
own good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding. This
task he performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me

often through misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing
myself the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion,
he began to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on a
veneration of the qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament,
admired the beauties of my person; till at being fully persuaded of his
conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, and disclosed his love in
terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible for me to disguise the
sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation with the most
lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more
frequently in private interviews, where we enjoyed the conversation of one
another, in all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope that reciprocal
adoration can inspire. He professed his honourable intentions, of which I
made no question; lamented the avaricious disposition of his father, who
had destined him for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with
such an appearance of candour and devotion—that I became a dupe to his
deceit. Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace!
Cursed be my beauty that first attracted the attention of the seducer! Cursed
be my education, that, by refining my sentiments, made my heart the more
susceptible! Cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object, and
taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly,
nobody would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my
person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had I
been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas
would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to the
enchantments of one alone.
‘But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits of
my lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I perceived his
coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I insisted
upon the performance of his promise to espouse me, that, whatever should
happen, my reputation might be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my
proposal, and left me on pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite us
in the bands of wedlock. But alas! the inconstant had no intention to return.
I waited a whole week with the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his
honour, at other times inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself
for harbouring suspicions of his faith. At length I understood from a
gentleman who dined at our house, that this perfidious wretch was on the
point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy clothes for their

approaching nuptials. This information distracted me! Rage took possession
of my soul; I denounced a thousand imprecations, and formed as many
schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me. Then my
resentment would subside to silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I lost, I
wept over my infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene,
and for a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the
favourable circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe
his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled him to a
match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of seeing
him before the thing should be brought to any terms of agreement. But how
vain was my imagination! That villain left me without remorse, and in a few
days the news of his marriage were spread all over the country. My horror
was then inconceivable; and had not the desire of revenge diverted the
resolution, I should infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My
father observed the symptoms of my despair: and though I have good
reason to believe he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem
ignorant of my affliction, while he endeavoured with parental fondness to
alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my anguish, and
raised my fury against the author of my calamity to an implacable degree.
‘Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from
this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day arrived at a
small town, from whence a stage coach set out for London, in which I
embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having
supported me all the way against every other reflection, My first care was to
hire a lodging, in which I kept myself very retired, assumed a feigned name,
that my character and situation might be better concealed. It was not long
before I found out the house of my lover, whither I immediately repaired in
a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for the
satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits would not permit
me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. When I demanded
admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I was desired to send up my
name and business; but this I refused, telling the porter I had business for
his master’s private ear; upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he
should be informed of my request. There I remained about a quarter of an
hour, when a servant entered and told me his master was engaged with
company, and begged to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out
no longer. I pulled out a poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it,

and rushing out flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, “Where’s this
perfidious villain? could I plunge this dagger into his false heart, I should
then die satisfied!” The noise I made alarmed not only the servants, but the
company also, who hearing my threats came forward to the staircase to see
was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and withheld by two footmen; and
in this situation felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer
approach with his young wife. I could not endure the sight, was deprived of
my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how I was
treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in
a paltry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a
thousand impertinent questions relating to my condition, and informed me
that my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that
Lothario affirmed I was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but
my lady persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared
should be known, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first
ordered that I should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without
making any other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a
chair; but this she told me could not be done without her master’s consent,
which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed to my lodgings in
a state of mind that baffles all description. The agitation of my thoughts
produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I believe it is well
for my conscience that heaven thus disposed of my burden; for let me own
to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a living child into the
world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to
my resentment of the father’s infidelity.
‘After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate
and calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was a
gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something of
consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my peace of
mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I attempted to
interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any determination he
entered my room, with an apology for intruding without my knowledge or
consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able to recollect his face,
demanded, with a faltering accent, what his business was with me? Upon
which he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he did not
doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my satisfaction
and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I

granted his request, and bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then
advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with the
particulars of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario’s own
mouth—that from the time he knew my misfortunes he had entertained a
detestation for the author of them, which had of late been increased and
inflamed to a desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct
towards him—that hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with
an intention of offering his assistance and comfort, and was ready to
espouse my quarrel, and forthwith take vengeance on my seducer, provided
I would grant him one consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no
reason to refuse. Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a
persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect
than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a delirium of
gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge,
undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an account of
his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was
introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my perfidious lover was no
more: that although he was not entitled to such an honourable proceeding,
he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him with his
treachery towards me, for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and
after a few passes left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my
wrongs, that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the
particulars and feasted my eyes on the blood that remained on his clothes
and sword. My imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my
sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me pale, mangled, and bloody,
blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his cause so
pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror
and remorse. I dropped asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to
my fancy. In short, I passed the night in great misery, and looked upon my
avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion,
he insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario’s recovery: it was
quite true he left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead, and
perhaps his hurts might not be mortal. At these words I started up, bade him
fly for intelligence, and if he could not bring me tidings of Lothario’s safety,
at least consult his own, and never return; for I was resolved to surrender
myself to justice, and declare all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I
might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance

and ignominious death. He very coolly represented the unreasonableness of
my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me
inspired, and honour justified: that now he had, at the risk of his life, been
subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous agent,
occasionally necessary; and that, even if he should be so lucky as to bring
news of Lothario’s safety, it was probable my former resentment might
revive, and I would upbraid him with having failed in his undertaking. I
assured him, that on the contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I
then should be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of
honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away the
life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his
power. “Well, then madam,” said he, “whatever may have happened, I shall
find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of honour;” and took his
leave in order to inquire into the consequences of his duel. I was now more
sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction I had
suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my
conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes; but now that I looked
upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my
imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased,
and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no
end. At length, Horatio (for so I shall call my new friend) returned, and
telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing
these words.

“Madam,
“As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take
this liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from
Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could
not deny, even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb
the repose as well as the life of

“Lothario.”

‘Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect an
imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport of joy,
and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus
was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that

which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers,—the most powerful deposes
all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting: that very letter which in a
manner re-established my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace.
His unjust reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my
former happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio,
perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by
treating me with all the amusements and entertainments of the town. I was
gratified with every indulgence I could desire; introduced into the company
of women in my own situation, by whom an uncommon deference was paid
to me; and I began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when
an accident brought it back to my view with all its interesting
circumstances. Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which I
had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention:
‘“Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father’s house in
the county of —, about the end of September, on account (as is supposed)
of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of. Whoever will
give any information about her to Mr. — of Gray’s Inn, shall be
handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate
parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness, whatever reason she
may have to think otherwise, and may be the means of prolonging the life
of a father already weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow.”
‘This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully
resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him
who gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to
nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left
his fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and
undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sank into
the most profound melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate
cause of his death. I lost all relish for company; and, indeed, most of my
acquaintances no sooner perceived my change of temper, than they
abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, or from some other
cause, became colder and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether,
without making any apology for his conduct, or securing me against the
miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, considering the
share he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned, that the quarrel between
Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my importunities,
and give the other a recommendation to me, which, it seems, he desired,

upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this extremity, I
cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery
of Horatio; and, as I became every day more and more familiarised to the
loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on the sex in general, by
practising their own arts upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long
wanting: an old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, visited me,
and after having condoled me on my misfortunes, and professed a
disinterested friendship, began to display the art of her occupation, in
encomiums on my beauty, and invectives against the wretch who had
forsaken me; insinuating withal, that it would be my own fault if I did not
still make my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature
had endowed me. I soon understood her drift, and gave her such
encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement
immediately to divide whatever profits might accrue from such gallants as
she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my
dissimulation was practised upon a certain judge, to whom I was
recommended by this matron as an innocent creature just arrived from the
country.’

CHAPTER XXIII

Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the
Marshalsea—I accompany her—prove she is not the person
named in the writ—the bailiff is fain to discharge her—we
shift our lodging—her story, and my reflections thereupon—
progress of a common woman of the town—resolves to quit
that way of life

Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner
opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted
my fellow-lodger thus: “Madam, your servant—you must do me the favour
to come along with me, I have a writ against you.” While the bailiff (for so
he was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to
handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed me so much, that I
snatched up the poker and would certainly have used it in defence of the
lady, without any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had
she not begged me, with a composure of countenance for which I could not
account, to use no violence on her behalf, which could be of no service to
her, but might be very detrimental to myself. Then turning to the leader of
this formidable troop, she desired to see the writ, and having perused it, said
with a faltering voice, “I am not the person whose name is here mentioned,
arrest me at your peril.” “Ay, ay, madam,” replied the catchpole. “We shall
prove your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be pleased to be
carried, to my house, or to jail?” “If I must be confined,” said she, “I would
rather be in your house than in a common jail.” “Well, well,” answered he,
“if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall be entertained like a
princess.” But when she acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he
never gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach, to
carry her to the Marshalsea at once. While they waited for the convenience,
she took me aside, and bade me be under no concern on her account, for she

knew how to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps
gain something by the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to
me, I was very well pleased with her assurance; and when the coach came
to the door, I offered to accompany her to prison, to which proposal, after
much entreaty, she consented.
When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted,
and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no
sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than he cried, “Ah, ah: my old
acquaintance Bet! I’m glad to see thee with all my heart.” So saying, he
opened the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when he observed
her face, he started back, saying, “Who have we got here?” The bailiff,
alarmed at this interrogation, cried with some emotion, “Who should it be
but the prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?” The turnkey replied, “That Elizabeth
Cary! I’ll be hanged if that’s Elizabeth Cary more than my grandmother.”
Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken
her word for it at first, he might have saved himself and her a great deal of
trouble. “It may be so,” answered he, “but I’ll have further evidence that
you are not the person, before you and I part.” “Yes, yes,” said she, “you
shall have further evidence, to your cost.” Then we adjourned into the
lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a
direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to
their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I found them
together at a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were luckily
unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without hesitation,
after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with
the hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural
between women of that class and bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice
and cats. Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the
prisoner very affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how
long she had been nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of her
adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of peace that she
was not the person mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew;
but the bailiff, who was by the time convinced of his mistake, told them he
would not put them to that trouble. “Ladies,” said he, “there’s no harm done
—you shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we’ll
part friends.” This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood: and
Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool as to be

satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the turnkey interrupted her
by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as ever was tipped
over tongue. “Well,” continued she, “that may be, but were it the best of
champagne, it is no recompense for the damage I have suffered both in
character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail; at this rate, no
innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of malice, private
pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity; but,
thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not suffer such
insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.”
Mr. Vulture, for that was the bailiff’s name, finding he had to deal with one
who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed,
and, leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with
himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of
dreadful curses against the old jade our landlady, as he called her, for
having misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter
was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the other bottle,
mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drunk, coach hire, and a
couple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff. The money was immediately
deposited; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one half, and
putting the other in her pocket drove home with me, leaving the catchpole
grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got
clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place
to boot. This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to
great necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on
my back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before this
happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first care was
to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed next day,
with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible, until our cure
should be completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I
entreated her to finish the story of her life, which she pursued in this
manner:—
‘The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to practice
the same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not long, my character
taking air, and my directress deserting me for some new game. Then I took
lodgings near Charing-Cross, at two guineas a week, and began to entertain
company in a public manner; but my income being too small to defray my
expenses, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters

of certain taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me,
provided I would share my profits with them. Accordingly, I was almost
every night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every
mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from drunkenness and brutality.
As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, nor my temper
calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to
overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a
settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and
riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked
down stairs with disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to their
benefactors and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to
find myself almost totally neglected.
‘To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings,
trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening musing by
myself on misery before me when I received a message from a tavern,
whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed like
an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous manner. In the morning,
when I awoke, I found my gallant had got up, and, drawing aside the
curtain, could not perceive him in the room. I waited a full hour for his
return, and then in the greatest perplexity, rose up and rang the bell. When
the waiter came to the door, he found it locked, and desired admittance,
which I granted, after observing, with great surprise, that the key remained
on the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the captain,
than the fellow, staring with a distracted look, cried, “How, madam, is he
not abed?” And when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet
adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open. Through this
the adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down into a
court and escaped, leaving me to be answerable not only for the reckoning,
but also for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried off
with him.
‘It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw
myself detained as a thief’s accomplice; for I was looked upon in that light,
and carried before a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a sign of guilt
committed me, after a short examination, to Bridewell, having admonished
me, as the only means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my
confederate. I now concluded the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me,
and that I must soon finish my career by an ignominious death. This

reflection sank so deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of
my reason, and actually believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends.
Indeed, there needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that idea: for
of all the scenes on earth that of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I
had always entertained of the regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish
and impiety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the
midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian,
who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then
punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often
whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during which miserable
interval, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything about me, even
to my cap, shoes, and stockings): I was not only destitute of necessaries, but
even of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my
acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the least
succour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft, and my
landlord refused to part with some of my own clothes which I sent for,
because I was indebted to him for a week’s lodging.
‘Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an
end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in the
middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me asleep, and fixing
one end of a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which
the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a noose on the other
end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself; but before I
could adjust the knot I was surprised and prevented by two women, who
had been awake all the while and suspected my design. In the morning, my
attempt was published among the prisoners and punished with thirty stripes,
the pain of which, co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace,
bereft me of my senses, and threw me into an ecstacy of madness, during
which I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth, and dashed my head
against the pavement; so that they were obliged to set a watch over me, to
restrain me from doing further mischief to myself and others. This fit of
frenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and sullen: but
as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I came to a
determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused all
sustenance.
‘Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of
nature, I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found my resolution

considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this
critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the prison, with whom I had
contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio; she was then on the
same footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not
finding another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-
house among the hundreds in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with
claret, arrack, and the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived in her
house. This serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a certain justice
for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in
consequence of which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to
Bridewell. She had not been long there before she learned my disaster, and
coming up to me, after a compliment of condolence, inquired into the
particulars of my fate. While we were engaged in discourse together, the
master came and told me, that the fellow on whose account I had suffered
was taken, that he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in
the affair; for which reason he, the master, had orders to discharge me, and
that I was from that moment free.
‘This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an
instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then
present), hoping to find her account in me, very generously offered to
furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house
as soon as she could compromise matters with the justices. The conditions
of her offer were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and
a reasonable consideration besides, for the use of such clothes and
ornaments as she should supply me with, to be deducted from the first
profits of my occupation. These were hard terms, but not to be rejected by
one who was turned out helpless and naked into the wide world, without a
friend to pity or assist her. I therefore embraced her proposal, and she being
bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this
time conscious of having formerly disgusted my admirers by my reserved
loud haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition, and
the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in
the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of
a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, and soon
became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed the pride and
jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of being
eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered among the

customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my reputation
and blast my prosperity; everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and
disdain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants
was attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who
having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out
a writ against me and I was arrested in her own house. Though the room
was crowded with people when the bailiff entered, not one of them had
compassion enough to mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they
even laughed at my tears, and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I
should not want admirers in Newgate.
‘At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began to
inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. “Harkee, my girl,” he
inquired “how far have you overrun the constable?” I told him that the debt
amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expenses of the writ. “An that be
all,” said he, “you shan’t go to the bilboes this bout.” And taking out his
purse, he paid the money, discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got
into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour,
where I could be safely hove down; for which purpose he made me a
present of five guineas more. I was so touched with this singular piece of
generosity, that for some time I had not power to thank him. However, as
soon as I recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to
the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and convinced
him of the falsehood of what was reported to my prejudice so effectually,
that he from that moment attached himself to me, and we lived in great
harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a
storm.
‘Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his
bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and
began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails! when one of the
sisterhood advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was
unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might entrap
somebody to be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow me a
handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me from the dread and danger of
a prison, by becoming liable for whatever debts I should contract. I
approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my companion
clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality of my maid,
with the proviso that she should be reimbursed and handsomely considered

out of the profits of my success. She was immediately detached to look out
for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in Park
Street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage, and my own. I
made my first appearance in a blue riding habit trimmed with silver; and my
maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day or two my fame spread all over
the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from the
country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I
soon found them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crowded to
me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune. I
maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes
of gaining some admirer more for my purpose, and at length attracted the
regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes, and managed matters so
well, that a day was actually fixed for our nuptials. In the interim, he
begged leave to introduce an intimate friend to me, which request, as I
could not refuse, I had the extreme mortification and surprise to see, next
night, in that friend, my old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than
he changed colour, but had presence of mind to advance and salute me,
bidding me (with a low voice) be under no apprehension, for he would not
expose me. In spite of his assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to
entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe
headache, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the
tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.
‘Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time
for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only
indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the
neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed in this
manner: Having packed up all our clothes and moveables in small parcels,
she (on pretence of fetching cordials for me) carried them at several times
to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise procured a lodging, to
which we retired in the middle of the night, when every other body in the
house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly
spread my nets among tradespeople, but found them all too phlegmatic or
cautious for my art and attractions, till at last I became acquainted with you,
on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed you had any
fortune, or expectation of me, but that I might transfer the burden of such
debts as I had incurred, or should contract, from myself to another, and at
the same time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable one who

bore such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved
you from my snares by the discovery you made, which was owing to the
negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she
went to buy sugar for breakfast. When I found myself detected and forsaken
by you, I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher
than before. My companion, being disappointed in her expectations, left
me, and I had no other resource than to venture forth, like the owls in the
dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often
sauntered between Ludgate Hill and Charing Cross a whole winter night,
exposed not only to the inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the rage
of hunger and thirst, without being so happy as to meet with one dupe, then
creep up to my garret, in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and
try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake
or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal
treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good humour,
though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my heart
loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these nocturnal adventures,
I was infected with the disease, that in a short time rendered me the object
of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat where your benevolence
rescued me from the jaws of death.’
So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady’s narration, that I
made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said, and expressed
my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone in so little
time, for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years;
I compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more
wretched. I had endured hardships, ’tis true—my whole life had been a
series of such; and when I looked forward, the prospect was not much
bettered, but then they were become habitual to me, and consequently I
could bear them with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not
succeed, I could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to
a thousand different shifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without
forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a power of retrieving it, or
subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the
other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity, she had
been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies
to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of
hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted happiness through

the whole scene of life. How fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable,
must her reverse of fortune be!—a reverse, that not only robs her of these
external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also
murders her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal
infamy! Of all professions I pronounced that of a courtesan the most
deplorable, and her of all courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my
observation to be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed that
notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not
been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same
community. “I have often seen,” said she, “while I strolled about the streets
at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled
together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley, some of whom, but
eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling in
affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and dress. Miserable
wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me!” “No!”
cried she, after some pause, “I shall never live to such extremity of distress;
my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at that
forlorn period!” Her condition filled me with sympathy and compassion: I
revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and
attended her with such care and success, that in less than two months her
health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we often
conferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand
different projects were formed, which, upon further canvassing, appeared
impracticable. We would have gladly gone to service, but who would take
us in without recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of
which she intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the first
money she should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to some
village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh
girl for service: by which means she might be provided for, in a manner
much more suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.

CHAPTER XXIV

I am reduced to a great misery—assaulted on Tower Hill by
a press-gang, who put me on board a tender—my usage
there—my arrival on board at a man-of-war, where I am put
in irons, and released by the good offices of Mr. Thompson,
who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—-he relates
his own story—characters of the captain, surgeon, and first
mate

I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was
hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her
behalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit with a wine
merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her
own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me
with a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude;
assuring me she would remain in this situation no longer than she could
pick up money sufficient to put her other design in execution.
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between
which I hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving
condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I
became so mean as to go down towards Wapping, with an intention to
inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the command of
a small coasting vessel then in the river, and implore his assistance. But my
destiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Tower
Wharf, a squat tawny fellow with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his
hand came up to me, calling, “Yo ho! brother, you must come along with
me.” As I did not like his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, I
quickened my pace, in hope of ridding myself of his company; upon which
he whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared before me, who
laid hold of me by the collar, and began to drag me along. Not being in a

humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and,
with one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground; and
perceiving myself surrounded in a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted
myself with such dexterity and success, that some of my opponents were
fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement,
in which I received a large wound on my head, and another on my left
cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing
tender, where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into
the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well nigh
distracted me. As the commanding officer had not humanity enough to
order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I
desired one of my fellow captives who was unfettered, to take a
handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it round my head, to stop the
bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, ’tis true, but instead of applying it
to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and,
with astonishing composure, sold it before my face to a bumboat woman (1)
then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his companions,
regardless of my circumstances and entreaties.
(1) A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and fresh
potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the ship

I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck, telling
him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to
death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse
this person, who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me
through the gratings, told me “I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die
for anything he cared!” Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to
patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to be called at a more fitting
opportunity. In the meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of food,
contributed, with the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a
swoon, out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, administered
by the tar who stood sentinel over us, who at the same time regaled me with
a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put on board of
the Thunder next day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and cured
of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the Thunder, than
I asked if he had belonged to that ship long; and be giving me to understand
he had belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant

Bowling? “Know Lieutenant Bowling!” said he, “Odds my life! and that I
do; and a good seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle, and a brave
fellow as ever cracked biscuit—none of your Guinea pigs, nor your fresh
water, wish-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind have
honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here’s his health, with all
my heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or a-low, the lieutenant needs not be
ashamed to show himself.” I was so much affected with this eulogium, that
I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant Bowling’s
kinsman; in consequence of which connection, he expressed his inclination
to serve me, and when he was relieved, brought some cold boiled beef in a
platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank
another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he recounted a
great many exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much beloved by
the ship’s company, and pitied for the misfortune that had happened to him
in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I
imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at
that time commanded the ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my
uncle’s letter, written from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name
was Jack Rattlin) for his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could
not read, and desired to know the contents, which I immediately
communicated. When he heard that part of it in which he says he had
written to his landlord in Deal, he cried, “Body o’ me! that was old Ben
Block; he was dead before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been
alive, Lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so long.
Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef, and steer. Well,
well, we must all die, that’s certain—we must all come to port sooner or
later, at sea or on shore—we must be fast moored one day: death’s like the
best bower anchor, as the saying is—it will bring us all up.” I could not but
signify my approbation of the justness of Jack’s reflections, and inquired
into the occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle,
which he explained in this manner: “Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good
man enough—besides, he’s my commander; but what’s that to me? I do my
duty, and value no man’s anger of a rope’s end. Now the report goes, as
how he’s a lord, or baron knight’s brother, whereby (d’ye see me,) he
carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his officers, though mayhap
they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying at anchor in
Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he always

kept a good look out, he made (d’ye see) three lights in the offing, whereby
he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and found the captain asleep;
whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion, and he
swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a
whore (for, I being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and
lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together
fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and, laying hold
of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling’s quarter: whereby he told the
captain that, if he was not his commander, he would heave him overboard,
and demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby in the morning watch, the
captain went ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the
cutter ashore, and so they, leaving the boats’ crews on their oars, went away
together; and so (d’ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing,
whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on
the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in less
than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the sail he could bear, and
had got far enough ahead before we knew anything of the matter; so that we
could never after get sight of him, for which we were not sorry, because the
captain was mainly wrath, and would certainly have done him a mischief;
for he afterwards caused him to be run on the ship’s books, whereby he lost
all his pay, and, if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.”
This account of the captain’s behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of
his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had
subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity,
I put a good face on the matter, and next day, was, with the other pressed
men, put on board of the “Thunder,” lying at the Nore. When we came
alongside, the mate, who guarded us thither, ordered my handcuffs to be
taken off, that I might get on board the easier; this circumstance being
perceived by some of the company who stood upon the gangboard to see us
enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this
friendly office for me, “Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded
in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves enow among us
already?” Another, observing my wounds, which remained exposed to the
air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed. A
third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were into distinct
cords, took notice, that my bows were mended with the red ropes, instead of
my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards square without

iron braces? And, in short, a thousand witticisms of the same nature were
passed upon me before I could get up the ship’s side.
After we had been all entered upon the ship’s books, I inquired of one of
my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds
dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship carried
eighty guns), in my way to the cockpit, when I was met by the same
midshipman who had used me so barbarously in the tender: he, seeing me
free from my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had released me? To
this question, I foolishly answered, with a countenance that too plainly
declared the state of my thoughts, “Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not
consult you in the affair.” I had no sooner uttered these words, than he
cried, “Damn you, you saucy son of a hitch, I’ll teach you to talk so to your
officer.” So saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes with a supple
jack he had in his hand: and, going to the commanding officer, made such a
report of me, that I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and
a sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my
condition, came to me, and administered all the consolation he could, and
then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress
my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thompson, with
whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned. If I
knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise me, disfigured
with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had undergone. Unknown as
I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my
sores with great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought proper,
and was about to leave me, I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised me
so much that he could not recollect my face? Upon this address he observed
me with great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he could
not recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep him no longer in
suspense, I told him my name, which when he heard, he embraced me with
affection, and professed his sorrow at seeing me in such a disagreeable
situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and, when he heard how
inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I
should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden
departure, when the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement,
and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the
first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain,

touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the
midshipman, who was present to confront me.
I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender,
but since my being on board the ship, part of which being proved by the
evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great devotion for my
oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to make way for him, who
was delivered to the master-at-arms to take his turn in the bilboes. And this
was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the
surgeon, exempted from all other duty than that of assisting his mates, in
making and administering medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to
the friendship of Mr. Thompson, who had represented me in such a
favourable light to the surgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant to
supply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead. When I had
obtained this favour, my friend Thompson carried me down to the cockpit,
which is the place allotted for the habitation of the surgeon’s mates; and
when he had shown me their berth (as he called it), I was filled with
astonishment and horror, We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark
as a dungeon, which, I understood, was immersed several feet under water,
being immediately above the hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal
gulph, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified
cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the
ladder, resembling a chandler’s shop, where, by the faint glimmering of a
candle, I could perceive a man with a pale, meagre countenance, sitting
behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand.
This (I learned of Mr. Thompson) was the ship’s steward, who sat there to
distribute provision to the several messes, and to mark what each received.
He therefore presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered in
his mess; then, taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his
residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the
medicine-chest, that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table
fastened to the after powder room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed
round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from
the view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged within the
cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion he entertained me
with some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed
above the table: and calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can of beer,
of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet.

By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly
depressed with the appearance of everything about me, and could no longer
refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thompson’s fortune since I had
seen him in London. He told me, that being disappointed in his expectations
of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—ry at the Navy Office,
he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had
actually offered his service, in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant
ship, bound to Guinea on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a young
fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and
informed him that he had seen a warrant made out in his name at the Navy
Office, for surgeon’s second mate of a third-rate. This unexpected piece of
good news he could scarcely believe to be true, more especially as he had
been found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for third mate only; but that he
might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually
found it so: whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and
the oaths administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to
Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took place in the tide-coach for
Rochester; next morning got on board the “Thunder,” for which he was
appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day was
mustered by the clerk of the checque. And well it was for him that such
expedition was used; for, in less than twelve hours after his arrival, another
William Thompson came on board, affirming that he was the person for
whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an impostor.
My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as his
namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance and
dress. However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he
produced several letters written from Scotland to him in that name, and,
recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he brought them up,
and convinced all present that he had not assumed a name which did not
belong to him. His competitor, enraged that they should hesitate in doing
him justice (for to be sure the warrant had been designed for him), behaved
with so much indecent heat, that the commanding officer (who was the
same gentleman I had seen) and the surgeon were offended at his
presumption, and making a point of it with their friends in town, in less than
a week got the first confirmed in his station. “I have been on board,” said
he, “ever since; and, as this way of life is becoming familiar to me, have no
cause to complain of my situation. The surgeon is a good-natured, indolent

man; the first mate (who is now on shore on duty) is indeed a little proud
and choleric, as all Welshmen are, but in the main a friendly honest fellow.
The lieutenants I have no concern with; and, as for the captain, he is too
much of a gentleman to know a surgeon’s mate, even by sight.”

CHAPTER XXV

The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure, and
generosity—the economy of our mess described—
Thomson’s further friendship—the nature of my duty
explained—the situation of the sick

While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit
ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, “The devil and
his dam blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him before there is
something in my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a
pell (look you), or as green as a leek, ’tis all one.” To this declaration
somebody answered, “So it seems my poor messmate must part his cable
for want of a little assistance. His foretopsail is loose already; and besides
the doctor ordered you to overhaul him; but I see you don’t mind what your
master says.” Here he was interrupted with, “Splutter and cons! you lousy
tog, who do you call my master? Get you gone to the doctor, and tell him
my birth, and education, and my abilities; and moreover, my behaviour is as
good as his, or any shentleman’s (no disparagement to him,) in the whole
world. Cot pless my soul I does he think, or conceive, or imagine, that I am
a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and
upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land; at his will and pleasure?
Go your ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins that I desire and
request that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for
him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when my
craving stomach is satisfied, look you.” At this, the other went away,
saying, “that if they should serve him so when he was dying, by God he
would be foul of them in the other world.” Here Mr. Thompson let me
know, that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who was
just come on board from the hospital, whither he had attended some of the
sick in the morning; at the same time I saw him come into the berth. He was

a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned
up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded
with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend immediately
made him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty
look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, and
approached the cupboard, which, when he had opened, he exclaimed in a
great passion, “Cot is my life, all the pork is gone, as I am a Christian!”
Thompson then gave him to understand, that, as I had been brought on
board half famished, he could do no less than to entertain me with what was
in the locker, and the rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess.
Whether this disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or
he really thought himself too little regarded by his fellow mate, I know not,
but after some pause, he went on in this manner: “Mr. Thompson, perhaps
you do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and
respect (look you,) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to
advise with me in this affair. I have in my time (look you,) been a man of
some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and
home, and paid scot and lot, and the king’s taxes; ay, and maintained a
family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your older, and
your petter, Mr. Thompson.” “My elder, I’ll allow you to be, but not my
better!” cried Thompson, with some heat. “Cot is my Saviour, and witness
too,” said Morgan, with great vehemence, “that I am more elder, and
therefore more petter by many years than you.” Fearing this dispute might
be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan
I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between
him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least breach in their
good understanding, I would eat my allowance to myself, or seek admission
into some other company. But Thompson, with more spirit than discretion
(as I thought), insisted upon my remaining where he had appointed me; and
observed that no man, possessed of generosity and compassion, would have
any objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I
had of late so unjustly undergone.
This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great
earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess; but
only complained that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed.
“As for a sheltenman in distress,” said he, shaking me by the hand, “I lofe
him as I lofe my own powels: for, Cot help me! I have had vexations

enough upon my own pack.” And as I afterwards learned, in so saying, he
spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once settled in a very
good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an
acquaintance. All differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which
consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese,
wrapped up in a handkerchief: and, taking some biscuit from the cupboard,
fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to share of the repast. When he had
fed heartily on his homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut
shell, with brandy, and, drinking it off, told us, “Prandy was the best
menstruum for onions and sheese.” His hunger being appeased, he began to
be in better humour; and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner
understood that I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a
particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a
direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was first
the prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving how
much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a present of two good
ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check which I received from Mr.
Thompson, enabled me to appear with decency.
Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought
a prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman had read, he got
up to prepare it, and asked, “if the man was dead or alive.” “Dead!” replied
Jack; “if he was dead, he would have no occasion for doctor’s stuff. No,
thank God, death han’t as yet boarded him. But they have been yard-arm
and yard-arm these three glasses.” “Are his eyes open,” continued the mate.
“His starboard eye,” said the sailor, “is open, but fast jammed in his head:
and the haulyards of his under jaw have given way.” “Passion of my heart!”
cried Morgan, “the man is as pad as one would desire to be! Did you feel
his pulses!” To this the other replied with “Anan!” Upon which this Cambro
Briton, with great earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his
messmate, and keep him alive till he should come with the medicine, “and
then,” said he, “you shall peradventure pehold what you shall see.”
The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where the sick
man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful countenance, and
told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, “Mercy
upon my salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?” “Stop him!” said
the other; “I hailed him several times, but he was too far on his way, and the
enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so that he did not mind

me.” “Well, well,” said he, “we all owe heaven a teath. Go your ways, you
ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning, look you, and repent of
your misteets.” So saying, he pushed the seaman out of the berth.
While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard
the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our
mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter,
and, in a few minutes, returned with it full of boiled peas, crying
“Scaldings” all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of an
old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour I
could with difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same
composition, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the other
abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess with a lump of
salt butter scooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with
some pounded pepper. I was not very much tempted with the appearance of
this dish, of which, nevertheless, my messmates ate heartily, advising me to
follow their example, as it was banyan day and we could have no meat till
next noon. But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion, and
therefore desired to be excused: expressing a curiosity to know the meaning
of banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,
the ship’s company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days
were called banyan days, the reason of which they did not know; but I have
since learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees in some
parts of the East Indies, who never taste flesh.
After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the different
parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me acquainted with
the particulars of the discipline and economy practised on board. He then
demanded of the boatswain a hammock for me, which was slung in a very
neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and, as I had no bed-clothes,
procured credit for me with the purser, for a mattress and two blankets. At
seven o’clock in the evening Morgan visited the sick, and, having ordered
what was proper for each, I assisted Thompson in making up his
prescriptions: but when I followed him with the medicines into the sick
berth, or hospital, and observed the situation of the patients, I was much
less surprised that people should die on board, than that a sick person
should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered wretches,
suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more than
fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed and bedding; and

deprived of the light of the day, as well as of fresh air; breathing nothing but
a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling from their own
excrements and diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth
that surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience necessary for
people in that helpless condition.

CHAPTER XXVI

A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of
my office—Morgan’s nose is offended—a dialogue between
him and the Ship’s steward—upon examination, I find more
causes of complaint than one—my hair is cut off—Morgan’s
cookery—the manner of sleeping on board—I am waked in
the night by a dreadful noise

I could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come
near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to
assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside,
and entirely out of the reach of all visitation; much less could I conceive
how my friend Thompson would be able to administer clysters, that were
ordered for some, in that situation; when I saw him thrust his wig in his
pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all
fours under the hammocks of the sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between
two, keep them asunder with one shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager
to learn the service, I desired he would give me leave to perform the next
operation of that kind; and he consenting, I undressed myself after his
example, and crawling along, the ship happened to roll: this motion
alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that came within my grasp with
such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found, by the smell that issued
upon me, that I had unlocked a box of the most delicious perfume. It was
well for me that my nose was none of the most delicate, else I know not
how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over
the ship, to the utter discomposure of everybody who tarried on the same
dock! neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of
smelling only; for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. That I might
not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I got up,
and, pushing my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the

middle, where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but,
not understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain
my advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up, as it were, in a
pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my
neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in this
defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish by his distemper,
was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned and the rude shock he had
received from me in my elevation, that, with many bitter reproaches, he
seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so unmercifully, that I roared with
anguish. Thompson, perceiving my condition, ordered one of the waiters to
my assistance, who, with much difficulty, disengaged me from this
situation, and hindered me from taking vengeance on the sick man, whose
indisposition would not have screened him from the effects of my
indignation.
After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to
the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a homely
proverb, which I do not choose to repeat. When we had descended half-way
down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his
nose of the approach of something extraordinary, cried, “Cot have mercy
upon my senses! I pelieve the enemy has poarded us in a stinkpot!” Then,
directing his discourse to the steward, from whence he imagined the odour
proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among
gentlemen of birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur,
if ever he should presume to offend his neighbours with such smells for the
future. The steward, conscious of his own innocence, replied with some
warmth, “I know of no smells but those of your own making.” This repartee
introduced a smart dialogue, in which the Welshman undertook to prove,
that, though the stench he complained of did not flow from the steward’s
own body, he was nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged
provisions to the ship’s company; and, in particular, putrified cheese, from
the use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then
he launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave the
analysis; explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods
practised to make and preserve it, concluded in observing, that, in yielding
good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and
was much superior to it in the produce of goats and putter.

I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present pickle, I
should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thompson to go
before, and represent my calamity; at which the first mate, expressing some
concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable-tier
and the main hatchway, to avoid encountering me; desiring me to clean
myself as soon as possible: for he intended to regale himself with a dish of
salmagundy and a pipe. Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business,
and soon found I had more causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for
I perceived some guests had honoured me with their company, whose visit I
did not think seasonable: neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a
hurry, for they were in possession of my chief quarters, where they fed
without reserve at the expense of my blood. But, considering it would be
easier to extirpate the ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement,
than after they should be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the
advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always close
shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been
growing since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate lent me
an old bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being ended,
and everything adjusted in the best manner my circumstances would permit,
the descendant of Caractacus returned, and, ordering the boy to bring a
piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with an equal
quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper
and salt, he brought it to a consistence with oil and vinegar; then, tasting the
dish, assured us it was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and
recommended it to our palate with such heartiness that I could not help
doing honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful,
than I thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of
small-beer to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan
having smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had
expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain
yawning began to admonish me that it was high time to repair by sleep the
injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceding night; which being
perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now arrived, they
proposed we should turn in, or in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks,
which hung parallel to one another, on the outside of the berth, were
immediately unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great agility
into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very much

at their ease. But it was some time before I could prevail upon myself to
trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of
which, I imagined, I should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to
tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I suffered myself,
however, to be persuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite
over, with such violence, that had I not luckily got hold of Thompson’s
hammock, I should have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all
likelihood fractured my skull.
After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of
the jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the attacks of sleep
till towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was
overpowered with slumber, though I did not long enjoy this comfortable
situation, being aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the
drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a dreadful
summons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not understand.
While I was debating with myself, whether or not I should wake my
companion and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed
by one of the quartermasters who passed by me with a lantern in his hand,
that the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by the boatswain’s mates
who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account with such
an interruption every morning at the same hour. Being now more assured of
my safety, I undressed myself again to rest, and slept till eight o’clock,
when rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the
sick were visited and assisted as before; after which visitation my good
friend Thompson explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I
was a stranger. At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went
round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for
the occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the mast,
where one of the doctor’s mates attended, with applications to dress them.

CHAPTER XXVII

I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a
warrant for me, and makes me a present of clothes—a battle
between a Midshipman and me—the Surgeon leaves the ship
—the Captain comes on board with another Surgeon—a
dialogue between the Captain and Morgan—the sick are
ordered to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined
—the consequences of that order—a Madman accuses
Morgan, and is set at liberty by command of the Captain,
whom he instantly attacks, and pummels without mercy

While I was busied with my friend in the practice, the doctor chanced to
pass by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me appeared very
well satisfied with my application; and afterwards sent for me to his cabin,
where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the
particulars of my fortune, he interested himself so far in my behalf, as to
promise his assistance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had already
been found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for the station I filled on board; and
in this good office he the more cordially engaged when he understood I was
nephew to lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard.
In the meantime, I could learn from his discourse that he did not intend to
go to sea again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, been
indifferently used by him during the last voyage.
While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not
altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude
insults of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known by the
name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan, who,
though friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his pride,
which expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted in
recapitulating the favours I had received at his hands.

About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me to
follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was
appointed surgeon’s third mate on board the Thunder. This he had procured
by his interest at the Navy Office; as also another for himself, by virtue of
which he was removed into a second-rate. I acknowledged his kindness in
the strongest terms my gratitude could suggest, and professed my sorrow at
the prospect of losing so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have
recommended myself still further, by my respectful and diligent behaviour.
But his generosity rested not here; for before he left the ship he made me a
present of a chest and some clothes that enabled me to support the rank to
which he had raised me.
I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an officer,
resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all opposition or
affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolution. My
old enemy, the midshipman (whose name was Crampley), entertaining an
implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had suffered on my
account, had since that time taken all opportunities of reviling and
ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort this bad usage; and, even
after I had been rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon’s mate, did not
think fit to restrain his insolence. In particular, being one day present while
I dressed a wound in a sailor’s leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought
highly injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore signified my
resentment, by observing that the Scots always laid their account with
finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious. This
unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me
a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I
was not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very
serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master’s mates,
coming that way, interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to
promote a reconciliation; but, finding us both exasperated to the uttermost,
and bent against accommodation, they advised us either to leave our
difference undecided, till we should have an opportunity of terminating it
on shore, like gentlemen, or else choose a proper place on board, and bring
it to an issue by boxing. The last expedient was greedily embraced by us
both; and, being forthwith conducted to the ground proposed, we stripped in
a moment, and began a furious contest, in which I soon found myself
inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as in skill,

which he had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the-Hole at Tottenham-
court. Many cross buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach without
number, till at last my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted,
I grew desperate, and collecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at
once, head, hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist
three paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and
pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and
motion. Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried,
“Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I believe his
pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was no treachery
in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of war.” So saying he
descended to the deck below, to examine into the situation of my adversary,
and left me very little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only
terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for the
death of Crampley; but this fear vanished when my fellow-mate having, by
bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the
state of his body, called up to me to be under no concern, for the
midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the
os humeri as one would desire to see on a summer’s day. Upon this
information I crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with
the affair, who, providing himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the
occasion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation.
When this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of
the combat; and the Welshman, after observing, that, in all likelihood, the
ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me “praise Cot for
putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it.” I
acquired such reputation by this rencontre, which lasted twenty minutes,
that everybody became more cautious in behaviour towards me; though
Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize
the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the honour he had lost by an
accident, from which I could justly claim no merit.
About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came on
board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon
made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins;
for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and
unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those
above him. In the morning after the captain came on board, our first mate,

according to custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which, when this
grim commander had perused, he cried with a stern countenance, “Blood
and cons! sixty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I’ll
have no sick in my ship, by G—d.” The Welshman replied, “he should be
very glad to find no sick people on board: but, while it was otherwise, he
did no more than his duty in presenting him with a list.” “You and your list
may be d—n’d,” said the captain, throwing it at him; “I say, there shall be
no sick in this ship while I have the command of her.” Mr. Morgan, being
nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought to be directed to Cot
Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and not to him, who
contributed all in his power towards their cure. The bashaw, not being used
to such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at this satirical
insinuation, and, stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel,
threatening to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter
another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated,
disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began to manifest itself
in, “Captain Oakum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage (look you),
and peradventure I am moreover.” Here his harangue was broken off by the
captain’s steward, who, being Morgan’s countryman, hurried him out of the
cabin before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, and
this would certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman could
hardly be hindered by his friend’s arguments and entreaties from re-entering
the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his teeth. He was,
however appeased at length, and came down to the berth, where, finding
Thompson and me at work preparing medicines, he bade us leave off our
lapour to go to play, for the captain, by his sole word, and power, and
command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and there was no more
malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy,sighed grievously
three times, poured fort an ejaculation of “Cot pless my heart, liver, and
lungs!” and then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of
visage, voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this singular
phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thompson, who at the same time
shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader’s brains were unsettled.
He, perceiving our amazement, told us he would explain the mystery; but at
the same time bade us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married
man, and widower, almost forty years, and in all that time there was no
man, nor mother’s son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as

Captain Oakum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that
passed between them, as I have already related it: and had no sooner
finished this narration than he received a message from the surgeon, to
bring the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the
patients thither to be reviewed.
This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be
impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of
their lives: but, as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to
remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this
extraordinary muster; Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was
going to send to the other world a great many evidences to testify against
himself. When we appeared upon deck, the captain bade the doctor, who
stood bowing at his right hand, look at these lazy lubberly sons of bitches,
who were good for nothing on board but to eat the king’s provision, and
encourage idleness in the skulkers. The surgeon grinned approbation, and,
taking the list, began to examine the complaints of each as they could crawl
to the place appointed. The first who came under his cognizance was a poor
fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much that he could
hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor’s name), having felt
his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world; and the captain
delivered him over to the boatswain’s mate, with orders that he should
receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for counterfeiting
himself sick; but, before the discipline could be executed, the man dropped
down on the deck, and had well nigh perished under the hands of the
executioner. The next patient to be considered, laboured under a quartan
ague, and, being then in his interval of health, discovered no other
symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre countenance and emaciated
body; upon which he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the
boatswain; but, being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the
forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The third complained of a pleuritic
stitch, and spitting of blood, for which Doctor Mackshane prescribed
exercise at the pump to promote expectoration! but whether this was
improper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, I know not,
but in less than half-an-hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that
issued from his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the
quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded
his chest so much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being

interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was
ordered, with a view to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest, to go
aloft immediately. It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to allege his utter
incapacity; the boatswain’s driver was commanded to whip him up with the
cat-o-nine-tails; the smart of this application made him exert himself so
much, that he actually arrived at the puttock shrouds; but when the
enormous weight of his body had nothing else to support than his weakened
arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plunged into
the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a
boat alongside, saved his life, by keeping him afloat till he was hoisted on
board by a tackle.
It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every
miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the
captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-
creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered
delirious by the injuries they received in the way. Some gave up the ghost in
the presence of their inspectors; and others, who were ordered to their
duties, languished a few days at work among their fellows, and then
departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the number of the sick was
reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of this reduction were
applauding themselves for the services they had done to their king and
country, when the boatswain’s mate informed his honour, that there was a
man below lashed to his hammock, by direction of the doctor’s mate, and
that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had been so maltreated
only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was as much in his
senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing this, darted a severe look at
the Welshman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately; upon
which, Morgan protested with great fervency, that the person in question
was as mad as a March hare; and begged for the love of Cot, they would at
least keep his arms pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from
doing mischief. This request the commander granted for his own sake, and
the patient was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with
such calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was
inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting
to appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his
behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his own
hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was confirmed

by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared he had pulled this
patient from the doctor’s mate, whom he had gotten down, and almost
strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of
Morgan’s, and suborned to give his testimony against him by the malice of
the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people
on board, that Mr. Morgan’s wife kept a gin-shop in Ragfair. This anecdote
produced a laugh at the expense of the Welshman, who, shaking his head
with some emotion, said, “Ay, ay, ’tis no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant
falsehood.” Captain Oakum, without any farther hesitation, ordered the
fellow to be unfettered; at the same time, threatening to make Morgan
exchange situations with him for his spite; but the Briton no sooner heard
the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up to the mizen-shrouds,
crying to Thompson and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him
play the devil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his
caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac
(as soon as he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, “I’ll let
you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel,” and pummel
him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his patron,
shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty that he was
mastered at last, after having done great execution among those who
opposed him.

CHAPTER XXVIII

The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death
with his own hand—is diverted from that resolution by the
arguments and persuasion of the first Lieutenant and
Surgeon—we set sail for St. Helen’s, join the fleet under the
command of Sir C— O—gle, and proceed for the West
Indies—are overtaken by a terrible tempest—my friend Jack
Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard—the
behaviour of Mr. Mackshane—Jack opposes the amputation
of his limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, we
undertake the cure and perform it successfully

The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment he
had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him, that he
might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would
certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first
lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing that, in all appearances, the
fellow was not mad, but desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy
of the captain’s to him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could
be brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the
bottom (by which means important discoveries might be made), and then
sentence the criminal to a death according to his demerits. This suggestion,
improbable as it was, had the desired effect upon the captain, being exactly
calculated for the meridan of his intellects; more especially as Dr.
Mackshane espoused this opinion, in consequence of his previous
declaration that the man was not mad. Morgan finding there was no more
damage done, could not help discovering by his countenance the pleasure
he enjoyed on this occasion; and, while he bathed the doctor’s face with an
embrocation, ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more
fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this

sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice
of at a more fit season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor, and, on our way to
the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an
opportunity, while the sentinel attending him was at the head, to leap and
frustrate the revenge of the captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, but
took the benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead: where,
having received provisions on board for six months, we sailed from St.
Helen’s in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable
expedition of Carthagena.
It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of being
transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of every
convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, and under the
dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable;
however, as these complaints were common to a great many on board, I
resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy
as the nature of the case would allow. We got out of the channel with a
prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty
leagues to the westward of the Lizard: but this state of inaction did not last
long; for next night our maintop-sail was split by the wind, which, in the
morning, increased to a hurricane. I was awakened by a most horrible din,
occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks above, the
cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the shrouds, the
confused noise of the ship’s crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his mates,
the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps.
Morgan who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry,
crying, “Cot have mercy and compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot
upon the confines of Lucifer and the d—n’d!” while poor Thompson lay
quaking in his hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I
rose and joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves
with brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before,
how must my sight have been apalled in beholding the effects of the storm!
The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of which our
ship sometimes hung as if it were about to be precipitated to the abyss
below! Sometimes we sank between two waves that rose on each side
higher than our topmast-head, and threatened by dashing together to
overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred and
fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their bare poles,

at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast of one of them gave way,
and tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our
own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and sailors ran
backward and forward with distraction in their looks, halloaing to one
another, and undetermined what they should attend to first. Some clung to
the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split into a thousand
pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl those which were yet whole,
while the masts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they
would have shivered into innumerable splinters! While I considered this
scene with equal terror and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by
the shock whereof two sailors were flung from the yard’s arm into the sea,
where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at
the expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his
assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the violence of
the fall through the skin; as this was a case of too great consequence to be
treated without the authority of the doctor I went down to his cabin to
inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up dressings which we
always kept ready prepared. I entered his apartment without any ceremony,
and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on his knees before
something that very much resembled a crucifix; but this I will not insist
upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to common report, which
indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Dr.
Mackshane as a member of the church of Rome. Be this as it will, he got up
in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his being disturbed in his
devotion, and in a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion from my sight.
After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the
situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on
deck, where he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain to order some of the
men to carry him down to the cockpit, “and in the meantime,” said he, “I
will direct Thompson to get ready the dressings.” When I signified to the
boatswain the doctor’s desire, he swore a terrible oath, that he could not
spare one man from deck, because he expected the mast would go by the
board every minute. This piece of information did not at all contribute to
my peace of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much,
with the assistance of Morgan I supported him to the lower deck, whither
Mr. Mackshane, after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by
Thompson, with a box full of dressings, and his own servant, who carried a

whole set of capital instruments. He examined the fracture and the wound,
and concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that
mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately. This
was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruiting himself with a quid
of tobacco, pronounced with a woful countenance, “What! is there no
remedy, doctor! must I be dock’d? can’t you splice it?” “Assuredly, Doctor
Mackshane,” said the first mate, “with submission, and deference, and
veneration, to your superior apilities, and opportunities, and stations, look
you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and aver, that there is no occasion nor
necessity to smite off this poor man’s leg.” “God Almighty bless you, dear
Welshman!” cried Rattlin, “may you have fair wind and weather
wheresoever you’re bound, and come to an anchor in the road of heaven at
last!” Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate’s differing in opinion
from him, so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account of
his practice to him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the
tourniquet. At the sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, “Avast, avast! D
—n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr.
Random, won’t you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb! Odd’s
heart, if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin’s leg
to be chopped off like a piece of old junk.”
This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my honest
friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the
amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate’s opinion, and
affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin was owing to an
inflammation, occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such cases,
without any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a
great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked
Thompson’s sentiments in the matter, in hopes of strengthening our
association with him too; but he, being of a meek disposition, and either
dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own
judgment, in a modest manner espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who by
this time having consulted with himself, determined to act in such a manner
as to screen himself from censure, and at the same time revenge himself on
us, for our arrogance in contradicting him. With this view, he asked if we
would undertake to cure the leg at our peril: that is, be answerable for the
consequence. To this question, Morgan replied, that the lives of his
creatures are at the hands of Cot alone; and it would be great presumption

in him to undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, no
more than the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he
administered his assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our
direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable
issue, to which at present we saw no obstruction.
I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that, shaking us
both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, and, if he died,
his blood should be upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering himself
with the prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as
we should think proper; accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter
that stuck through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound,
applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundam
artem. Everything succeeded according to our wish, and we had the
satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow’s leg, but likewise of
rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship’s company, who had all
their eyes on us during the course of this cure, which was completed in six
weeks.

CHAPTER XXIX

Mackshane’s malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a
spy—Morgan meets with the same fate—Thompson is
tampered with to turn evidence against us—disdains the
proposal, and is maltreated for his integrity—Morgan is
released to assist the Surgeon during an engagement with
some French ships-of-war—I remain fettered on the poop,
exposed to the enemy’s shot, and grow delirious with fear—
am comforted after the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely
of the captain, is overheard by the sentinel, who informs
against him, and again imprisoned—Thompson grows
desperate, and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of
Morgan and me, goes overboard in the night

In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us into
the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the crew
very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of
his vengeance against the Welshman and me. He went among the sick under
pretence of inquiring into their grievances, with a view of picking up
complaints to our prejudice; but, finding himself frustrated in that
expectation by the goodwill we had procured from the patients by our
diligence and humanity, he took the resolution of listening to our
conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that surrounded our
berth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us
with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking a large
bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the outside of our
hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipped me the
wink, and pointed to the place, where I could perceive somebody standing;
upon which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him,
saying, “Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.” It had the desired

effect, for we heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his
own cabin. I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of
the most unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that time, marking
me out for destruction.
About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among the
sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the master-at-arms,
where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I
was a spy on board, and had conspired against the captain’s life. How
ridiculous soever this imputation was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the
rigour that could be shown to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this
miserable condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the
unwholesome damps by night, during the space of twelve days, in which I
was neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the probability of the
charge. I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection, which had been
quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for Thompson, who, after
condoling me on the occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune to the
hatred of the doctor, who had given an information against me to the
captain, in consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized.
While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop,
guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be
pinioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce
refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner, who,
without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the rings
provided for that purpose; but, when they pretended to fasten him on his
back he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau from his side-pocket,
threatened to rip up the belly of the first man that should approach him, in
order to treat him in such an unworthy manner. They were prepared to use
him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called up to them
to let him remain as he was. He then crept towards me, and, taking me by
the hand, bade me “put my trust in Cot.” And looking at Thompson, who sat
by us trembling, with a pale visage; told him there were two more rings for
his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good company. But it
was not the intention of our adversary to include the second mate in our
fate: him he expected to be his drudge in attending the sick and, if possible,
his evidence against us: with this view he sounded him afar off, but, finding
his integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a
short time this mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation,
the admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made signal for our ship and
four more to chase: hereupon everything was cleared for an engagement,
and Mackshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more assistants
than one obtained Morgan’s liberty, while I was let in this deplorable
posture to the chance of battle. It was almost dark when we came up with
the sternmost chase, which we hailed, and inquired who they were. They
gave us to understand they were French men-of-war, upon which Captain
Oakum commanded them to send their boat on board of him! but they
refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, to come on board of
their ship: he then threatened to pour in a broadside upon them, which they
promised to retain. Both sides were as good as their word, and the
engagement began with great fury. The reader may guess how I passed my
time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors of a sea-fight;
expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or dashed in pieces by the
enemy’s shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as possible, by
reflecting that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were stationed
about me; but, when I beheld them employed without intermission in
annoying the foe, and encouraged by the society and behaviour of one
another, I could easily perceive a wide difference between their condition
and mine: however, I concealed my agitation as well as I could till the head
of the officer of marines who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from
the deck athwart my face, leaving me well nigh blinded with brains. I could
contain myself no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my
lungs; when a drummer, coming towards me asked if I was wounded, and,
before I could answer, received a great shot in his belly, which tore out his
entrails, and he fell flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft me of all
discretion; I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the
battle; and, finding myself disregarded, lost all patience, and became
frantic. I vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my spirits, being
quite exhausted, I remained quiet, as insensible of the load that oppressed
me.
The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding he
was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be
undeceived by seeing their colours; and, hailing the ship whom he had
fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards; and the guns being
silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on

board the French commodore. Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen
wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. My fellow-mates had no
sooner despatched their business in the cock-pit, than, full of friendly
concern, they came to visit me. Morgan, ascending first, and seeing my face
almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a man for
this world; and, calling to Thompson with great emotion, bade him come
up, and take his last farewell of his comrade and countryman, who was
posted to a better place, where there were no Mackshanes nor Oakums to
asperse and torment him. “No,” said he, taking me by the hand, “you are
going to a country where there is more respect sown to unfortunate
shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding your
adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.” Thompson,
alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting
down by me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity.
By this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse
rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately
undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being mortally
wounded.
After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed,
and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them,
we entered into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very
freely of the author of our misery; but our discourse being overheard by the
sentinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved than he reported to the
captain every syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he had
received. The effect of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the
master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan in his former station, and gave the
second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not
choose to accompany us in our confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the
whole slavery of attending the sick and wounded, as well as the cruelty of
Mackshane, must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the
prospect, and, though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful
curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit
life altogether than be much longer under the power of such barbarians. I
was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his
complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much
aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the balance
of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude and

submission, till such time as we could procure redress, which I hoped was
not far off, considering that we should probably be in a harbour in less than
three days, where we should have an opportunity of preferring our
complaints to the admiral. The Welshman joined in my remonstrance, and
was at great pains to demonstrate that it was every man’s duty as well as
interest to resign himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as a
sentinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his post before he
is relieved. Thompson listened attentively to what he said, and at last,
shedding a flood of tears, shook his hand, and left us without making any
reply. About eleven at night he came to see us again with a settled gloom on
his countenance, and gave us to understand that he had undergone excessive
toil since he saw us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the
doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of taking
away his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual
exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with uncommon
fervour, cried, “God bless you both!” and left us to wonder at his singular
manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a deep impression on
us both.
Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy
young man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone
overboard in the night; and this was certainly the case.

CHAPTER XXX

We lament the fate of our companion—the Captain offers
Morgan his liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are
brought before him and examined—Morgan is sent back into
custody, whither also I am remanded after a curious trial

The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely, as
our unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable disposition
the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate,
the greater horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the
occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least
symptom of concern for Thompson’s death, although he must have been
conscious to himself of having driven him by ill usage to the fatal
resolution, but desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty again to look
after the patients. Accordingly one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter
him, but he protested he would not be released until he should know for
what he was confined; nor would he be a tennisball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a
trudge, nor a scullion, to any captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him
obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise his tyranny
much longer with impunity, was willing to show some appearance of justice
and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter-deck,
where he sat in state, with his cleric on one side, and his counsellor
Mackshane on the other. When we approached, he honoured us with this
salutation: “So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy
would have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard’s arm, without
either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d—n my
blood, I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to make
defence.” “Captain Oakum,” said my fellow-sufferer, “certainly it is in your
power (Cot help the while) to tack us all up at your will, desire, and
pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be tucked up

than to undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed. So may the
farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but there
is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will
punish with fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of innocent
people out of wantonness, and parparity (look you). In the mean time. I
shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see the person who
accuses me.” “That you shall,” said the captain; “here, doctor, what have
you to say?” Mackshane, stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order
to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan accosted him thus:
“Doctor Mackshane, look in my face—look in the face of an honest man,
who abhors a false witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between
you and me.” The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following
speech, as near as I can remember: “I’ll tell you what, Mr. Morgan; to be
sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so be it appears
as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you deserve to be
acquitted, in relation to that there affair, for I tell you what, Captain Oakum
is resolved for to do everybody justice. As for my own part, all that I have
to allege is, that I have been informed you have spoken disrespectful words
against your captain, who, to be sure, is the most honourable and generous
commander in the king’s service, without asparagement or acception of
man, woman, or child.”
Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume
himself, Morgan replied, “I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand
your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but, however, I do
suppose, I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay; or, if I am convicted
of speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope there is no treason in
my words.” “But there’s mutiny, by G—d, and that’s death by the articles of
war!” cried Oakum: “In the meantime, let the witnesses be called.”
Hereupon Mackshane’s servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom
they had seduced and tutored for the purpose. The first declared, that
Morgan as he descended the cockpit-ladder one day, cursed the captain, and
called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy
to mankind. “This,” said the clerk, “is a strong presumption of a design,
formed against the captain’s life. For why? It presupposes malice
aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.” “Right,” said the captain to
this miserable grub, who had been an attorney’s boy, “you shall have law
enough: here’s Cook and Littlejohn to it.” This evidence was confirmed by

the boy, who affirmed, he heard the first mate say, that the captain had no
more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more brain than an ass.
Then the sentinel, who heard our discourse on the poop was examined, and
informed the court that the Welshman assured me, Captain Oakum and
Doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in hell for
their barbarity. The clerk observed, that there was an evident prejudication,
which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of
Captain Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce
that the captain and surgeon would d—n’d, unless he had intention to make
away with them before they could have time to repent? This sage
explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed,
“What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-back,
brother, ha!” Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text,
although he absolutely denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the
captain, strutting up to him with a ferocious countenance, said, “So Mr. son
of a bitch, you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast,
and pronounced my damnation? D—n my heart! I have a good mind to
have you brought to a court-martial and hang’d, you dog.” Here
Mackshane, having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the
captain to pardon Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon condition
that he the delinquent should make such submission as the nature of his
misdemeanour demanded. Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this
occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded
with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged
himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a peast, “but,” said he, “I
spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as we signify
meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox; so we liken
ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tiger; therefore I
made use of these similes to express my sentiments (look you), and what I
said before Cot, I will not unsay before man nor peast neither.”
Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he
ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his
clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question put to me was
touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of
Scotland. “The north of Ireland more like!” cried the captain; “but we shall
bring you up presently.” He then asked what religion I professed; and when
I answered “the Protestant,” swore I was an arrant Roman as ever went to

mass. “Come, come, clerk,” continued he, “catechise him a little on this
subject.” But before I relate the particulars of the clerk’s inquiries, it will
not be amiss to inform the reader that our commander himself was an
Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. “You say,
you are a Protestant,” said the clerk; “make the sign of the cross with your
finger, so, and swear upon it to that affirmation.” When I was about to
perform the ceremony, the captain cried with some emotion, “No, no, d—
me! I’ll have no profanation neither. But go on with your interrogations.”
“Well then,” proceeded my examiner, “how many sacraments are there?” To
which I replied, “Two.” “What are they?” said he. I answered, “Baptism and
the Lord’s Supper.” “And so you would explode confirmation and marriage
altogether?” said Oakum. “I thought this fellow was a rank Roman.” The
clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not refrain from
blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by observing,
that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed to be an old offender.
He went on with asking, if I believed in transubstantiation; but I treated the
notion of real presence with such disrespect, that his patron was scandalised
at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this
miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being
a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with Thompson,
and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain Oakum, which
accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of our boy, who
declared he had often heard the deceased Thompson and me whispering
together, and could distinguish the words, “Oakum, rascal, poison, pistol;”
by which expressions it appeared, we did intend to use sinister means to
accomplish his destruction. That the death of Thompson seemed to confirm
this conjecture, who, either feeling the stings of remorse for being engaged
in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have
infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own
existence. But what established the truth of the whole was, a book in
cyphers found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in
his chest, after his disappearance. This, he observed, was a presumption
very near positive proof, and would determine any jury in Christendom to
find me guilty. In my own defence, I alleged, that I had been dragged on
board at first very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the
evidence of some people now in the ship, consequently could have no
design of becoming spy at that time; and ever since had been entirely out of

the reach of any correspondence that could justly entail that suspicion upon
me. As for conspiring against my captain’s life, it could not be supposed
that any man in his right wits would harbour the least thought of such an
undertaking, which he could not possibly perform without certain infamy
and ruin to himself, even if he had all the inclination in the world. That,
allowing the boy’s evidence to be true (which I affirmed was false and
malicious), nothing conclusive could be gathered from a few incoherent
words; neither was the fate of Mr. Thompson a circumstance more
favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket a letter which too well
explained that mystery, in a very different manner from that which was
supposed. With these words, I produced the following letter, which Jack
Rattlin brought to me the very day after Thompson disappeared; and told
me it was committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise
not to deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the
contents, which were these;

‘Dear Friend,—I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I
daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of
Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction as well
as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from this
miserable life, and, before you receive this, shall be no
more. I could have wished to die in your good opinion,
which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my life;
but, if you cannot acquit me, I know you will at least
preserve some regard for the memory of an unfortunate
young man who loved you. I recommend it to you, to
beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I wish
all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer
my last respects, and beg to be remembered as your unhappy
friend and countryman,

‘William Thompson.’

This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage,
snatched it out of the clerk’s hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces,
saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by myself. The
captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I

insisted of having the remains of it compared with other writings of
Thompson, which they had in their possession; and I was ordered to answer
the last article of my accusation, namely, the book of ciphers found among
my papers. “That is easily done,” said I. “What you are pleased to call
ciphers, are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my
amusement, I keep a diary of everything remarkable that has occurred to my
observation since the beginning of the voyage, till the day in which I was
put in irons; and the same method was practised by Mr. Thompson, who
copied mine.” “A very likely story,” cried Mackshane; “what occasion was
there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what
you had wrote? But what d’ye talk of Greek characters? D’ye think I am so
ignorant of the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these,
which are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my
knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your
country.” So saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some
gibberish, which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for
Greek with the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous sneer,
exclaimed, “Ah, ah! have you caught a tartar?” I could not help smiling at
the consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the dispute
to anybody on board who understood the Greek alphabet. Upon which
Morgan was brought back, and, being made acquainted with the affair, took
the book, and read a whole page in English, without hesitation, deciding the
controversy in my favour. The doctor was so far from being out of
countenance at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret,
and repeated from his own invention. Oakum said, “Ay, ay, I see they are
both in a story;” and dismissed my fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I
proposed that he and I should read and translate, separately, any chapter or
verse in the Greek Testament in his possession, by which it would appear
whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with eloquence
enough to convince the captain that there could be no juggle nor
confederacy in this expedient, I begged to be examined by some
unconcerned person on board, who understood Greek. Accordingly, the
whole ship’s company, officers and all, were called upon deck, among
whom it was proclaimed that, if anyone of them could speak Greek, he or
they so qualified should ascend the quarter-deck immediately. After some
pause, two foremast men came up, and professed their skill in that
language, which, they said, they acquired during several voyages to the

Levant, among the Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this
declaration, and put my journal book into the hands of one of them, who
candidly owned he could neither read nor write; the other acknowledged the
same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any
man on board; and, addressing himself to me, pronounced some sentences
of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not understand. I asserted
that the modern Greek was as different from that spoken and written by the
ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time of
Hengist: and, as I had only learned the true original tongue, in which
Homer, Pindar, the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it
could not be supposed that I should know anything of an imperfect Gothic
dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any traces of
the old expression: but, if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be master
of the Greek language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I
would retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment be
should think proper to inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the
surgeon, knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in
Irish, and was answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued
between them, which they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured the
secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea, from
his companion, before they would venture to assert such an intrepid
falsehood. “I thought,” said Oakum, “we should discover the imposture at
last. Let the rascal be carried back to his confinement. I find he must
dangle.” Having nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a court so
prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered
myself to be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the
particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to Heaven, and uttered a
dreadful groan: and, not daring to disburden his thoughts to me by speech,
lest he might be overheard by the sentinel, burst forth into a Welsh song,
which he accompanied with a thousand contortions of face and violent
gestures of body.

CHAPTER XXXI

I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel
between two of the evidences; in consequence of which I am
set at liberty, and prevail upon Morgan to accept of his
freedom on the same terms—Mackshane’s malice—we
arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat up to
Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India squadron—
we take in water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—
Reflections on our conduct there

Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the
one, to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of
Mackshane’s dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming
to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in sight of
Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a
court-martial, and, at the same time, of making his malice and ignorance
conspicuous, he interceded for us with the captain so effectually, that in a
few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty. This was
a happy event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my
limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I could scarce persuade the
Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he persisted in his obstinacy to
remain in irons, until he should be discharged by a court-martial, which, he
believed would also do him justice on his enemies. At length I represented
to him the precarious issue of a trial, the power and interest of his
adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his
resentment with his own hands upon Mackshane after our return to
England. This last argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and
prevailed upon him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner
entered, than the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my
remembrance, and filled my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess

the boy who had acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties,
and of penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that
the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of
stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his servant had since
plundered him.
The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we
detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-
mate, finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy
exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he
discharged on Mackshane’s man in oaths and execrations, threatening to
prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore in his turn, that he never had the
keys in his possession till that time, when he received them from his master
with orders to deliver them to us. “As Cot is my judge,” cried Morgan, “and
my salfation, and my witness; whosoever has pilfered my provisions is a
lousy, peggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire, I will
impeach, and accuse, and indict him, of a roppery, if I did but know who he
is.” Had this misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the
loss, in all probability this descendant of Caractacus would have lost his
wits entirely; but, when I observed how easy it would be to remedy this
paltry mischance, he became more calm, and reconciled himself to the
occasion.
A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth, under
pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and, with a smiling
aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, he said, he had been at
great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly incensed at our
behaviour; but he, the doctor, had passed his word for our future conduct,
and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his kindness. He
expected, no doubt, an acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of
service, as well as a general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do
with people who were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or
to forget that, if our deliverance was owing to his mediation, our calamity
was occasioned by his malice; I therefore sat silent, while my companion
answered, “Ay, ay, ’tis no matter, Cot knows the heart; there is a time for all
things, as the wise man saith; there is a time for throwing away stones, and
to gather them up.” He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went
away in a pet, muttering something about “Ingratitude,” and “Fellows,” of
which we did not think fit to take any notice.

Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a
month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during which time
something of consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstanding the
insinuations of some, who affirmed we had no business at all in that place;
that, in order to take the advantage of the season proper for our enterprise,
the West India squadron, which had previous notice of our coming, ought to
have joined us at the west end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and
refreshments, from whence we could have sailed directly for Carthagena,
before the enemy could put themselves in a good posture of defence, or,
indeed, have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we sailed from
Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the wind as far as
the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, to attack the French fleet,
then supposed to be lying near that place; but before we arrived, they had
sailed for Europe, having first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena,
with an account of our being in those seas, as also of our strength and
destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood and brackish
water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult the
health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.
At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena,
where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer. Here,
again, certain malicious people took occasion to blame the conduct of their
superiors, by saying, that in so doing they not only unprofitably wasted
time, which was very precious, considering the approach of the rainy
season, but also allowed the Spaniards to recollect themselves from a terror
occasioned by the approach of an English fleet, at least three times as
numerous as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But if I might
be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this delay to
the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage that fortune
might give them even over an enemy. At last, however, we weighed, and
anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour’s mouth, where we made shift
to land our marines, who encamped on the beach, in despite of the enemy’s
shot, which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of
conduct, in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy’s fortification,
which I believe never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a
view of accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much
used to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a
few months before. This expedient, again, has furnished matter for censure

against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such an important
enterprise, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at home. But
surely our governors had their reasons for so doing, which possibly may be
disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their
best troops on such desperate service, or the colonel and the field officers of
the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as
sinecures or pensions, for some domestic services rendered to the court,
refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious undertaking; for
which refusal, no doubt, they are to be much commended.

CHAPTER XXXII

Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery
—our ship is ordered, with four more, to batter the port of
Bocca Chica—Mackshane’s cowardice—the Chaplain’s
frenzy—honest Rattlin loses one hand—his heroism and
reflections on the battle—Crampley’s behaviour to me
during the heat of the Fight

Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set
about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the
enemy; and in something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That
we might do the Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined,
in a council of war, that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on
one side, while the battery, strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four
cohorns, should ply it on the other.
Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was
hoisted, we being advertised, the night before, to make everything clear for
that purpose; and, in so doing, a difference happened between Captain
Oakum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had
well nigh terminated in an open rupture. The doctor, who had imagined
there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy’s shot in the cockpit
than in the centre of the earth, was lately informed that a surgeon’s mate
had been killed in that part of the ship by a cannon-ball from two small
redoubts that were destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; and
therefore insisted upon having a platform raised for the convenience of the
sick and wounded in the after-hold, where he deemed himself more secure
than on the deck above. The captain, offended at this extraordinary
proposal, accused him of pusillanimity, and told him, there was no room in
the hold for such an occasion: or, if there was, he could not expect to be
indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the

cockpit for that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted
in his demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was authorised; the
captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons
who were never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply, and sent for
the carpenter to give him orders about it. But, before any such measure
could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to trust
his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were busy in putting our
instruments and dressings in order.
Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed, and
in less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle of Bocca
Chica, with a spring upon our cable, and the cannonading (which indeed
was dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on
the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed with us in quality
of assistants, followed his example, while the Welshman and I sat upon a
chest looking at one another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain
from the like prostration. And that the reader may know it was not a
common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars
of this dreadful din that astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded
from eighty-four great guns, besides a mortar and small arms, in Bocca
Chica; thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph; twenty in two fascine batteries, and four
men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns each. This was answered by our
land-battery mounted with twenty-one cannon, two mortars, and twenty-
four cohorns, and five great ships of seventy or eighty guns, that fired
without intermission.
We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought
another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of
oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth
without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the condition of
the wounded man, and cried out, “As I shall answer now, the man is as dead
as my great grandfather.” “Dead,” said his comrade; “he may be dead now,
for aught I know, but I’ll be d—d if he was not alive when I took him up.”
So saying, he was about to return to his quarters, when I bade him carry the
body along with him, and throw it overboard. “D—n the body!” said he, “I
think ’tis fair enough if I take care of my own.” My fellow mate, snatching
up the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder,
crying, “You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house, or
the sepulchre, or the golgotha, of the ship?”—but was stopped in his career

by one calling, “Yo he, avast there—scaldings!” “Scaldings!” answered
Morgan; “Cot knows ’tis hot enough indeed: who are you?” “Here’s one!”
replied the voice; and I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend
Jack Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he
was come to be docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand,
which had been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with
unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage,
observing, that every shot had its commission: “It was well it did not take
him in the head! or if it had, what then? he should have died bravely,
fighting for his king and country. Death was a debt which every man owed,
and must pay; and that now was as well as another time.” I was much
pleased and edified with the maxims of this sea-philosopher, who endured
the amputation of his left hand without shrinking, the operation being
performed (at his request) by me, after Mackshane, who was with difficulty
prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had declared there was a necessity
for his losing the limb.
While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack’s opinion of
the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do
no good: “For why? because, instead of dropping anchor close under shore,
where we should have to deal with one corner of Bocca Chica only, we had
opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy
from their shipping and Fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we
intended to cannonade; that, besides, we lay at too great a distance to
damage the walls, and three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for
there was scarce anybody on board who understood the pointing of a gun.
Ah! God help us!” continued he, “If your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling,
had been here, we should have had other guess work.” By this time, our
patients had increased to such a number, that we did not know which to
begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon, that if he did not get
up immediately and perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour
to the admiral, and make application for his warrant. This remonstrance
effectually roused Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argument in which
he thought his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to
strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle of
rum, which he freely communicated to the chaplain, and purser, who had as
much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself. Being thus
supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without

mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson’s brain, conspired,
with his former agitation of spirits, to make him quite delirious; he stripped
himself to the skin; and, besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be
withheld from running upon deck in that condition. Jack Rattlin,
scandalised at this deportment, endeavoured to allay his transports with
reason; but finding all he said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned
by his frolics, he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept
him quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in the power of rum to
elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and cursing the
hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer in Rochester, to
engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.
While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot
happened to take us between wind and water, and (its course being through
the purser’s store room) made a terrible havoc and noise among the jars and
bottles in its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropped
his scalpel, and falling down on his knees, pronounced his Pater-noster
aloud: the purser fell backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the
chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him
under; so that we were obliged to confine him in the surgeon’s cabin, where
he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagancies. Much about this time,
my old antagonist, Crampley, came down, with express orders, as he said,
to bring me up to the quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the captain had
received by a splinter: his reason for honouring me in particular with this
piece of service, being, that in case I should be killed or disabled by the
way, my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship’s
company than that of the doctor or his first mate. At another time, perhaps, I
might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound to pay the least
regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my compliance, I was
resolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid than he of exposing
myself to danger. With this view I provided myself with dressings, and
followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most infernal
scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned
against the mizen-mast, no sooner saw me approach in my shirt, with the
sleeves tucked up to my armpits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he
signified his displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did
not come? I told him that Crampley had singled me out, as if by express
command; at which reply he seemed surprised, and threatened to punish the

midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement. In the meantime, I
was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the captain
expected him immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my commission to
the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his
instructions; whereupon Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my
reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great
intrepidity. The captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to
be dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as the service
should be over.

CHAPTER XXXIII

A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the
assault, and take the place without opposition—our sailors at
the same time, become masters of all the other strengths near
Bocca Chica, and take possession of the harbour—the good
consequence of this success—we move nearer the town—
find two forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up with
sunk vessels; which however we find means to clear—land
our soldiers at La Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack
the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great
loss—the remains of our army are re-embarked—an effort of
the Admiral to take the town—the economy of our
expedition described

Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were all
ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement was
renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the
enemy’s fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite
silenced. A breach being made on the other side, by our land battery, large
enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, provided he could find means to
climb up to it, our general proposed to give the assault that very night, and
actually ordered a detachment on that duty. Providence stood our friend
upon this occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the
fort, which might have been maintained by resolute men till the day of
judgment against all the force we could exert in the attack. And while our
soldiers took possession of the enemy’s ramparts without resistance, the
same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made themselves masters of
Fort St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish man-of-war; the other
three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not fall into our hands.
The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards chiefly

confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and occasioned great joy
among us, as we laid our accounts at finding little or no opposition from the
town: and indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up immediately, before
they had recovered from the confusion and despair that our unexpected
success had produced among them, it is not impossible that we might have
finished the affair to our satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this
step our heroes disdained as a barbarous insult over the enemy’s distress,
and gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect
themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of this
general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so
effectually that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for
Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me
during the action. But of all the consequences of the victory, none was more
grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five weeks on
the allowance of a purser’s quart per day for each man in the Torrid Zone,
where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that a
gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours;
especially as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors
gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork, of New England, which, though
neither fish nor flesh, savoured of both; bread from the same country, every
biscuit whereof, like a piece of clockwork, moved by its own internal
impulse, occasioned by the myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and
butter served out by the gill, that tasted like train oil thickened with salt.
Instead of small beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy
or rum, which were distributed every morning, diluted with a certain
quantity of his water, without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable, for
which reason, this composition was by the sailors not ineptly styled
Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a scarcity of
it on board, for there was at this time water enough in the ship for a voyage
of six months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day to each man: but this fast
must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance on the ship’s
company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into a
contempt of life, that they might thereby become more resolute and
regardless of danger. How simply then do those people argue, who ascribe
the great mortality among us, to our bad provision and want of water; and
affirm, that a great many valuable lives might have been saved, if the
useless transports had been employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit,

and other refreshments from Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use
of the army and fleet! seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a
better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained. After
all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where
they behaved like their own country mastiffs, which shut their eyes, run into
the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their valour.
But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the forts we
had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece of service that
detained us more than a week), we ventured up to the mouth of the inner
harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on
the other, both of which were deserted before our approach, and the
entrance of the harbour blocked up by several old galleons, and two men-
of-war that the enemy had sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to
open a passage for some ships, that favoured a second landing of our troops
at a place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint
resistance from a body of Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation,
they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which
overlooked and commanded the city. Whether our renowned general had
nobody in his army who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted
entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but, certain it is, a
resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with musketry
only. This was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy
giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest part of their
detachment took up their everlasting residence on the spot.
Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard’s, was
wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from
eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was now
reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. The sick and wounded were
squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the name of hospital
ships, though methinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing
few of them could boast of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space
between decks was so confined that the miserable patients had not room to
sit upright in their beds. Their wounds and stumps, being neglected,
contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched
amidst the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to
the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known that every great ship in the
fleet could have spared one at least for this duty, an expedient which would

have been more than sufficient to remove this shocking inconvenience. But
perhaps our general was too much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this
kind from his fellow chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so
much from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for, I may
venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Discord, with her sooty
wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils; and it might be said of
these great men (I hope they will pardon the comparison) as of Cesar and
Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other was impatient of
an equal; so that, between the pride of one and insolence of another, the
enterprise miscarried, according to the proverb, “Between two stools the
backside falls to the ground.” Not that I would be thought to liken any
public concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, though I might
with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang
on arse at its disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to
compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience
as a joint-stool or a close-stool; but only to signify by this simile, the
mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments
that were never joined.
A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of
the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns, and
manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town;
accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour in the night, and moored
within half a mile of the walls, against which she began to fire at daybreak;
and continued about six hours exposed to the opposition of at least thirty
pieces of cannon, which at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get
off as well as they could in their boats. This piece of conduct afforded
matter of speculation to all the wits, either in the army or navy, who were at
last fain to acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their comprehension.
Some entertained such an irreverent opinion of the admiral’s understanding,
as to think he expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of
sixteen guns: others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy’s
strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of great ships
that would be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But this last
conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any kind
whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third sort swore, that
no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking than that which
induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth class (and that the

most numerous, though, without doubt, composed of the sanguine and
malicious), plainly taxed this commander with want of honesty as well as
sense; and alleged that he ought to have sacrificed private pique to the
interest of his country; that, where the lives of so many brave fellow-
citizens were concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general
without being solicited or even desired, towards their preservation and
advantage, that, if his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate
enterprise, it was his duty to have rendered it as practicable as possible,
without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with a
good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to batter the
town, while the land forces stormed the castle; by these means a
considerable diversion would have been made in favour of those troops,
who, in their march to the assault and in the retreat, suffered much more
from the town than from the castle! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves
vigorously attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted, and
confused, and in all probability, unable to resist the assailants. But all these
suggestions surely proceeded from ignorance or malevolence, or else the
admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his return to
England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and
discerning. True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot,
asserted, that there was not water enough for our great ships near the town:
though this was a little unfortunately urged, because there happened to be
pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the
harbour, who affirmed there was water enough for five eighty-gun ships to
lie abreast almost up to the very walls. The disappointments we suffered
occasioned a universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the
objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of
what must have inevitably happened, had we remained much longer in this
place. Such was the economy in some ships that, rather than be at the
trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their men to throw
their bodies overboard, many without either ballast or winding-sheet; so
that numbers of human carcases floated in the harbour, until they were
devoured by sharks and carrion crows, which afforded no agreeable
spectacle to those who survived. At the same time the wet season began,
during which a deluge of rain falls, from the rising to the setting sun,
without intermission, and that no sooner ceases than it begins to thunder,

and lighten with such continued flashing, that one can see to read a very
small print by the illumination.

CHAPTER XXXIV

An epidemic Fever rages among us—we abandon our
Conquests—I am seized with Distemper—write a Petition to
the Captain, which is rejected—I am in danger of
Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley, and relieved by
a Serjeant—my Fever increases—the Chaplain wants to
confess me—I obtain a favourable Crisis—Morgan’s
Affection for me proved—the Behaviour of Mackshane and
Crampley towards me—Captain Oakum is removed into
another Ship with his beloved Doctor—our new Captain
described—An Adventure of Morgan

The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon,
conspired, with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our
own constitutions, impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to
introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such violence, that
three-fourths of those whom it invaded died in a deplorable manner; the
colour of their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of the juices,
changed into that of soot.
Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived it was high to
relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after having rendered their
artillery useless, and blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just as we sailed
from Bocca Chica, on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with
the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood
no chance for my life, if I should be obliged to be in the cockpit, which by
this time was grown intolerable, even to people in health, by reason of the
heat and unwholesome smell of decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the
captain, representing my case, and humbly imploring his permission to be
among the soldiers in the middle deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might
have spared myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my

request, and ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon’s
mates, or else be contented to be in the hospital, which, by the by, was three
degrees more offensive and more suffocating than our own berth below.
Another, in my condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate, and
died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of perishing so pitifully,
after I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune: I therefore, without
minding Oakum’s injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers (whose good-will
I had acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and actually
congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation; which Crampley no
sooner understood, than he signified to the captain my contempt of his
orders, and was invested with power to turn me down again into my proper
habitation.
This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author,
that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if
ever it should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my
fever to a violent degree. While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal
abode, I was visited by a sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced
and set to rights, after they had been demolished by a splinter during our
last engagement; he, being informed of my condition, offered me the use of
his berth in the middle deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and well
aired by a port-hole that remained open within it. I embraced this proposal
with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated,
while my illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful
halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hencoop during the
whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding which
my malady gained ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I
never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from
my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, who died of
the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a great deal
to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to another resolution I
took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which I could not help
thinking co-operated with the disease, and, instead of resisting putrefaction,
promoted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan,
therefore, brought his diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my mouth, ’tis
true, but without any intention of swallowing them: and, when he went
away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. I seemingly
complied in this matter, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by

a refusal which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity,
for he acted as my physician; Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about
me, or even knowing where I was. When my distemper was at the height,
Morgan thought my case desperate, and, after having applied a blister to the
nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful
countenance, recommend myself to Cot and my Reteemer; then, taking his
leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual
consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made shift to rid myself of the
troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on my back. The
person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my complaints,
hemmed a little, and began thus: “Mr. Random, God out of his infinite
mercy has been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of
which no man knows. You may be permitted to recover and live many days
on the face of the earth; and, which is more probable, you may be taken
away, and cut off in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you,
therefore, to prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your
sins; of this there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous confession,
which I conjure you to make without hesitation or mental reservation; and,
when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as
the situation of your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty
of numberless transgressions to which youth is subject, as swearing,
drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery: tell me therefore, without reserve,
the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be acquainted with
the true state of your conscience; for no physician will prescribe for his
patient until he knows the circumstances of his disease.”
As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling
at the chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured more
of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending auricular
confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and
which, for that reason, I declined. This reply disconcerted him a little;
however, he explained away his meaning, in making learned distinctions
between what was absolutely necessary and what was only convenient; then
proceeded to ask what religion I professed. I answered, that I had not as yet
considered the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any
one in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word the
chaplain expressed great astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend
how a presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government.

Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths; to
which questions, I replying in the negative, he held up his hands, assured
me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state of
reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making merry in the
ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo(2) and wine.
(2)bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg

This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as the
fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I began to see
strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point of being delirious; in
the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of
frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea; and, as my friend
the sergeant was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some
purpose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to
get out of my hammock: the appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had
reflection and resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable
symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed,
and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a
quarter of an hour, felt all the pains of hell: but it was not long before I was
recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the
whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours, relieved me from all my
complaints except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a kite. I
enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myself with the
agreeable reverie of future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the outside
of the curtain, ask the sergeant if I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the other,
“God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I
do not choose to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.” “Ay,”
said my fellow-mate, “he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not waken
till the great trump plows—Cot be merciful to his soul. He has paid his debt
like an honest man—ay, and moreover, he is at rest from all persecutions,
and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Cot knows, and I know, he had his
own share—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth indeed!” So saying
he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a manner, as persuaded
me he had a real friendship for me. The sergeant, alarmed at his words,
came into the berth, and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipped him
the wink: he immediately guessed my meaning and remaining silent,
Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he

approached, with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with a sight
of the object: and I counterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes and
dropping my under-jaw, that he said, “There he lies, no petter than a lump
of clay, Cot help me!” and observed, by the distortion of my face, that I
must have had a strong struggle.
I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he
began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my
mouth, upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers and discomposed him
so much that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the
picture of horror; although I could not help laughing at his appearance, I
was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my hand, telling him I
hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making in England. It was
some time before he could recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and
inquire into the particulars of my disease; but when he found I had enjoyed
a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune; not failing
to ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had applied to my back, at his last
visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now be removed and dressed; he was
actually going to fetch dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, said,
“Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my
back, I assure you.” But he could not be convinced till he had examined it,
and then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise
in finding the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order to excuse
myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to have
been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards in a
fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who, on this occasion,
abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to punctilio; and as we were
now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh provisions
and other refreshments, I recovered strength every day, and, in a short time,
my health and vigour were perfectly re-established.
When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with a
staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a
disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word. After
him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a fierce countenance,
pronounced, “Here’s fine discipline on-board, when such lazy, skulking
sons of bitches as you are allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your
ease, while your betters are kept to hard duty!” The sight and behaviour of
this malicious scoundrel enraged me so much that I could scarce refrain

from laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present
feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence
to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself with telling him, I
had not forgot his insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet
one day on shore. At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore
he longed for nothing more than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship
was ordered to be heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her return to
England; and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it
convenient for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with
a gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much as to be
safe without the tropic: all his care and tenderness of himself being
insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun and
weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane
along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander came
on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and
appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin young man,
dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished with a red feather, adorned
his head, from whence his hair flowed upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied
behind with a ribbon. His coat, consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with
white, by the elegance of the cut retired backward, as it were, to discover a
white satin waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part
to display a brooch set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt,
which was of the finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin: the knees of his
crimson velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to meet his silk
stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from
shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles that flamed forth
rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked with a
knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his side; and an
amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the most remarkable
parts of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and white gloves on his
hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off
occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the little finger of each
hand.
In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession of
the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their
different degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition; and the air was

so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the climate
of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My fellow-mate, observing
no surgeon among his train, thought he had found an occasion too
favourable for himself to be neglected; and, remembering the old proverb,
“Spare to speak, and spare to speed,” resolved to solicit the new captain’s
interest immediately, before any other surgeon could be appointed for the
ship. With this view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress,
consisting of a check shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a
nightcap of the same (neither of them very clean,) which, for his further
misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any
ceremony into this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a
couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap
bordered with lace about his head; and after several low congees began in
this manner: “Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the
presumption of one who has not the honour of being known to you, but who
is, nevertheless a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had
misfortunes, Cot help me, in the world.”
Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started
up with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; and, having
recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone signifying disdain,
curiosity and surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s first mate on
board of this ship,” replied Morgan: “and I most vehemently desire and
beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased to condescend and
vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts,
which, under Cot, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.” As he
proceeded in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain,
whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic flavour that
exhaled from him, than he cried with great emotion, “Heaven preserve me!
I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow, away with thee! Curse thee, fellow! Get
thee gone! I shall be stunk to death!” At the noise of his outcries, his
servants ran into his apartment, and he accosted them thus: “Villains! cut-
throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry that
monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With
these interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his valet-de-
chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples
with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a
third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming to the place where I

was, sat down with a demure countenance and, according to his custom,
when he received any indignity which he durst not revenge, began to sing a
Welsh ditty.
I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to know the
cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked with great emotion, if
I thought him a monster and a stinkard? “A monster and a stinkard!” said I,
with some surprise: “did anybody call you so?” “Cot is my judge,” replied
be, “Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all the waters in the Tawy will
not wash it out of my remembrance. I do affirm and avouch, and maintain,
with my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no smells
apout me, but such as a Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of
tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb; and he is a son of
a mountain goat who says otherwise. As for my being a minister, let that be
as it is: I am as Cot was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more
than I shall ever aver of him who gave me that title; for I will proclaim it
before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, and transmogrified,
with affectation and whimseys; and that he is more like a papoon than of the
human race.”

CHAPTER XXXV

Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his
surgeon arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a
bed is put up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room,
which, with other parts of the captains behaviour, gives the
ship’s company a very unfavourable idea of their
commander—I am detained in the West Indies by the
admiral, and go on board of the Lizard sloop of war in
quality of surgeon’s mate, where I make myself known to
the surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I go on shore, sell
my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my return on board,
am surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed
lieutenant of the sloop—we sail on a cruise—take a prize in
which I arrive at Port Morant under the command of my
messmate, with whom I live in great harmony

He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a
message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with this
command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rosewater from the
medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the
door, until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitered me at a distance with a spy-
glass. He, having consulted one sense in this manner, bade me advance
gradually, that his nose might have intelligence before it could be much
offended: I therefore approached with great caution and success, and he was
pleased to say, “Ay, this creature is tolerable.” I found him lolling on his
couch with a languishing air, his head supported by his valet-de-chambre,
who from time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his nose. “Vergette,” said
he in a squeaking tone, “dost think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no
injury? May I venture to submit my arm to him?” “Pon my word,” replied
the valet, “I do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing a

small quantite of blodt; and the young man ave quelque chose of de bonne
mine.” “Well, then,” said his master, “I think I must venture.” Then,
addressing himself to me, “Hast thou ever blooded anybody but brutes? But
I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most d—able lie,” “Brutes, sir!”
answered I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his pulse, “I never
meddle with brutes.” “What the devil art thou about?” cried he, “dost thou
intend to twist off my hand? Gad’s curse! my arm is benumbed up to the
very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the hands
of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I to come on board without my
own surgeon, Mr. Simper.” I craved pardon for having handled him so
roughly, and, with the utmost care, and tenderness, tied up his arm with a
fillet of silk. While I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much
blood I intended to take from him, and, when I answered, “not above twelve
ounces,” started up with a look full of horror, and bade me be gone,
swearing I had a design upon his life. Vergette appeased him with difficulty,
and, opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed
a small cup; and putting them into my hand, told me, the captain never lost
above an ounce and three drams at one time.
While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabin
a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion with a kind of
languid smile on his face: which seemed to have been rendered habitual by
a long course of affectation. The captain no sooner perceived him, than,
rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying, “O, my dear Simper, I am
excessively disordered! I have been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the
negligence of my servants, who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise
me, and stink me into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco.” Simper, who
by this time, I found, was obliged to act for the clearness of his complexion,
assumed an air of softness and sympathy, and lamented with many tender
expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him into that
condition; then, feeling his patient’s pulse on the outside of his glove, gave
it as his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops
of tincture of castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to him
than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and
composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to prepare this
prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack posset, after the
captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers on the quarter-
deck, to let nobody walk on that side under which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him, and
indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to
the state room where Whiffle slept, that he might be at hand in case of
accidents in the night. Next day, our commander being happily recovered,
gave orders that none of the lieutenants should appear upon deck without a
wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen
with a check shirt or dirty linen. He also prohibited any person whatever,
except Simper and his own servants, from coming into the great cabin
without first sending in to obtain leave. These singular regulations did not
prepossess the ship’s company in his favour: but, on the contrary, gave
scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his character, and accuse him
of maintaining a correspondence with his surgeon not fit to be named.
In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope of
revisiting my native country, in a very short time, when the admiral’s
surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me to the quarter-
deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the
West Indies; that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great
ship that was bound for England; and desired us to agree between ourselves,
before the next day at that hour, which of us should stay behind. We were
thunderstruck at this proposal, and stared at one another some time without
speaking; at length the Welshman broke silence, and offered to remain in
the West Indies, provided the admiral would give him a surgeon’s warrant
immediately; but he was told there was no want of chief surgeons, and that
he must be contented with the station of mate, till he should be further
provided for in due course. Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the
ship for which the commissioners of the navy had appointed him; and the
other told him as plainly, that if we could not determine the affair by
ourselves before to-morrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his
chance.
When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in
England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my
advancement in the navy, and the same time reflected on the present dearth
of surgeons in the West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, which
every day almost reduced the number, I could not help thinking my success
would be much more certain and expeditious by my staying where I was,
than by returning to Europe. I therefore resolved to comply with a good
grace, and next day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan he

needed not trouble himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admiral’s
pleasure. This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who
assured me, it should not fare the worse with me for my resignation. Indeed
he was as good as his word, and that very afternoon procured a warrant,
appointing me surgeon’s mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war, which put me on
a footing with every first mate in the service.
My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe
that lay alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty friend the
sergeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I
took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our
sleeve buttons as remembrances of each other. Having presented my new
warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no
sooner saw than I recollected him to be one of those young fellows with
whom I had been committed to the round-house, during our frolic with
Jackson, as I have related before. He received me with a good deal of
courtesy, and, when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance,
expressed great joy at seeing me again, and recommended me to an
exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and master’s mate. As there
was not one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day with
the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate
of forty per cent discount; and, having furnished myself with the
necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, and, to my surprise,
found my old antagonist Crampley walking upon deck. Though I did not
fear his enmity, I was shocked at his appearance, and communicated my
sentiments on that subject to Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that
Crampley, by dint of some friends about the admiral, had procured a
commission, constituting him lieutenant on board the Lizard; and advised
me, now he was my superior officer, to behave with some respect towards
him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This
advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had rendered
utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a reconciliation with,
the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated me so inhumanly: however,
I resolved to have as little connection as possible with him, and to ingratiate
myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers, whose friendship
might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.
In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered the east
end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish barcolongo, with

her prize, which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from
Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners who were
well, we put onshore on the north side of the island; the prizes were manned
with Englishmen, and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend
the master’s mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to
remain until the Lizard’s cruise should be ended, at which time she would
touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to
attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to
sixteen, and to take care of them on shore in a house that was to be hired as
an hospital. This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I should,
for some time, be freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy
against me had already broken out on two or three occasions since he was
become a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much resembled my uncle,
both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with the
utmost civility and confidence: and, among other favours, made me a
present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with the
same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy. We arrived
safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched upon an empty storehouse;
which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought to it
next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of the ship’s company
appointed to attend them and obey me.

CHAPTER XXXVI

A strange adventure—in consequence of which I am
extremely happy—Crampley does me in offices with the
Captain; but his malice is defeated by the good-nature and
friendship of the surgeon—we return to Port Royal—our
Captain gets the command of a larger ship, and is succeeded
by an old man—Brayl is provided for—we receive orders to
sail for England

When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander,
whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich
planter, with whom he was acquainted, where we were sumptuously
entertained, and in the evening set out on our return to the ship. When we
had walked about a mile by moonlight, we perceived a horseman behind us,
who coming up, wished us good even, and asked which way we went? His
voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck my ear, than in spite
of all my resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up, and I was seized
with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl misinterpreting, bade me be
under no concern. I told him he was mistaken in the cause of my disorder;
and, addressing myself to the person on horseback said, “I could have
sworn by your voice, that you were a dear friend of mine, if I had not been
certain of his death.” To this address, after some pause, he replied, “There
are many voices as well as faces that resemble one another; but, pray, what
was your friend’s name.” I satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short
detail of the melancholy fate of Thompson, not without many sighs and
some tears. A silence ensued, which lasted some minutes, and then the
conversation turned on different subjects, till we arrived at a house on the
road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness
that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we could not
resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement be,

when I discovered by the light the very person of my lamented friend!
Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he clasped me in his arms,
and bedewed my face with tears. It was some time ere I recovered the use
of my reason, overpowered with this event, and longer still before I could
speak. So that all I was capable of was to return his embraces, and to mingle
the overflowings of my joy with his; whilst honest Brayl, affected with the
scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his participation of our
happiness by hugging us both, and capering about the room like a madman.
At length, I retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried, “Is it possible! you
can be my friend Thompson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned; and I am
now under the deception of a dream!” He was at great pains to convince me
of his being the individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit
down and compose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance
from the Thunder, and to account for his being at present in the land of the
living. This task he acquitted himself of, after I had drunk a glass of punch,
and recollected my spirits, by informing us, that with a determination to rid
himself of a miserable existence, he had gone in the night-time to the head,
while the ship was on her way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he
could, by the bows into the sea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he
began to repent of his precipitation; and, as he could swim very well, kept
himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the ships
astern; that, in this situation, he hailed a large vessel, and begged to be
taken in, but was answered that she was a heavy sailer, and therefore they
did not choose to lose time by bringing to; however, they threw an old chest
overboard for his convenience, and told him, that some of the ships astern
would certainly save him; that no other vessel came within sight or cry of
him for the space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification
to find himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without other support or
resting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at last he discerned
a small sloop steering towards him, upon which he set up his throat, and
had the good fortune to be heard and rescued from the dreary waste by their
boat, which was hoisted out on purpose.
“I was no sooner brought on board,” continued he, “than I fainted, and,
when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with a most
noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at first that I was
in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and that all which had
passed was no more than a dream. Upon inquiry, I understood that I was on

board of a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a
cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese, and that the master’s name was
Robertson, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old
school-fellow of mine. When I discovered myself to him, he was
transported with surprise and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my
misfortune, which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions
with regard to religion were very severe and confined; therefore contented
myself with telling him I fell overboard by accident; but made no scruple of
explaining the nature of my disagreeable station, and of acquainting him
with my determined purpose never to return to the Thunder man-of-war.
Although he was not of my opinion in that particular, knowing that I must
lose my clothes and what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my
duty; yet, when I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led under
the tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among other grievances,
hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my shipmates, and
the want of the true presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his
sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all
thought of rising in the navy; and, that he might show how much he had my
interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before
he should leave Jamaica. This promise he performed to my heart’s desire,
by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived
ever since in quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and his
lady are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this house,
to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me
with your company during the remaining part of the night.”
I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and
excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship; however,
he supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful glass, set out for the
vessel, which was not above three miles from the place, escorted by a
couple of stout negroes, whom Mr. Thompson ordered to conduct him.
Never were two friends more happy in the conversation of each other than
we, for the time it lasted. I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon
Carthagena, of which he had heard but an imperfect account; and he
gratified me with a narration of every little incident of his life since we
parted. He assured me, it was with the utmost difficulty he could resist his
inclination of coming down to Port Royal, to see Morgan and me, of whom
he had heard no tidings since the day of our separation: but that he was

restrained by the fear of being detained as a deserter. He told me that, when
he heard my voice in the dark, he was almost as much surprised as I was at
seeing him afterwards: and, in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a
passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with whom he
lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young lady, and did not
disdain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her parents; and
did not despair of obtaining their consent to the match, which would at once
render him independent of the world. I congratulated him on his good
fortune, which he protested should never make him forget his friends; and,
towards morning, we betook ourselves to rest.
Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained
him at dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave
of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small
token of his affection. In short, while he stayed here, we saw one another
every day, and generally ate at the same table, which was plentifully
supplied by him with all kinds of poultry, butcher’s meat, oranges, limes,
lemons, pine-apples, Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small
interval of ten days was by far the most agreeable period of my life.
At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for duty, they
and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins
that there was a shyness between the lieutenant and him on my account; the
rancorous villain having taken the opportunity of my absence to fill the
captain’s ears with a thousand scandalous stories to my prejudice; among
other things affirming, that I had been once transported for theft, and that
when I was in the Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same
crime. The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from
my own mouth, defended me strenuously, and in the course of that good-
natured office recounted all the instances of Crampley’s malice against me
while I remained on board of that ship; which declaration, while it satisfied
the captain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as much my defender’s
enemy as mine. The infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me,
added such fuel to his former resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite
beside myself with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol
him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have
been my reward. But the surgeon, who was my confidant, argued against
such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame which
consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait for a more convenient

opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more
convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow’s slander, I begged he
would go and visit Mr. Thompson, whose wonderful escape I had made him
acquainted with, and inquire of him into the particulars of my conduct,
while he was my fellow-mate.
This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a
person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good
opinion of me, which he assured me was already firmly established. He
therefore set out for the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of
introduction from me; and being received with all the civility and kindness I
expected, returned to the ship, not only satisfied with my character beyond
the power of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and
conversation of Thompson, who loaded him and me with presents of fresh
stock, liquors, and fruit. As he would not venture to come and see us on
board, lest Cramplay should know and detain him; when the time of our
departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him farewell. After we
had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed upon me a purse, with four
doubloons, which I refused as long as I could without giving umbrage; and,
having cordially embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a
small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins.
Knowing the superscription to be of Thompson’s handwriting, I opened it
with some surprise, and learned that this generous friend, not content with
loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent, for my use and
acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen waistcoats and caps,
with twelve pair of new thread stockings. Being thus provided with money
and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon myself as a
gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride dilate a pace.
Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our
prizes; and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and having
purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at a sale, made a
swaggering figure for some days among the taverns, where I ventured to
play a little at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket.
Meanwhile our captain was promoted to a ship of twenty guns, and the
command of the Lizard given to a man turned of fourscore, who had been
lieutenant since the reign of King William, and, notwithstanding his long
service, would have probably died in that station, had he not applied some
prize-money he had lately received, to make interest with his superiors. My

friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time, after he had
served in quality of a midshipman and mate for five and twenty years. Soon
after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry home
dispatches for the ministry; and we set sail for England, having first
scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the occasion.

CHAPTER XXXVII

We depart for Europe—a misunderstanding arises between
the Captain and the Surgeon, through the scandalous
aspersions of Crampley—the Captain dies—Crampley
tyrannises over the surgeon, who falls a Victim for his
Cruelty—I am also ill-used—the Ship strikes—the
behaviour of Crampley and the Seamen on that occasion—-I
get on shore, challenge the Captain to single combat—am
treacherously knocked down, wounded, and robbed

Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt
excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal island, which
has been the grave of so many Europeans: and, as I was accommodated
with everything to make the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself
as much as the insolence of Crampley would permit. This insidious
slanderer had found means already to cause a misunderstanding between
the surgeon and captain, who, by his age and infirmities, was rendered
intolerably peevish, his disposition having also been soured by a long
course of disappointments. He had a particular aversion to all young men,
especially to surgeons, whom he considered unnecessary animals on board
of a ship; and, in consequence of these sentiments, never consulted the
doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a violent fit of the gout and
gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which was his sovereign
prescription against all distempers: whether he was at this time too sparing,
or took an overdose of his cordial, certain it is, he departed in the night,
without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always despised, and
was found stiff next morning, to the no small satisfaction of Crampley, who
succeeded to the command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr. Tomlins
and I had no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny of our
new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day of

his command justified our apprehensions: for, on pretence that the decks
were too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon’s hencoops, with all his
fowls, to be thrown overboard; and at the same time prohibited him and me
from walking on the quarter-deck.
Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in the
course of his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley
taking hold, confined him to his cabin, where, in a few days, for want of air
he was attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after he had
made his will, by which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to
his sister, and left to me his watch and instruments as memorials of his
friendship. I was penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion; the
more because there was nobody on board to whom I could communicate
my sorrows, or of whom I could receive the least consolation or advice.
Crampley was so far from discovering the least remorse for his barbarity, at
the news of the surgeon’s death, that he insulted his memory in the most
abusive manner, and affirmed he had poisoned himself out of pure fear,
dreading to be brought to a court-martial for mutiny; for which reason he
would not suffer the service of the dead to be read over his body before it
was thrown overboard.
Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the
brutal sway of this bashaw, who, to render my life more irksome, signified
to my messmates a desire that I should be expelled from their society. This
was no sooner hinted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat in
a solitary manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which, however,
soon drew to a period.
We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain that,
by his reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he would order the
lead to be heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how to keep the ship’s
way, for we were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore
he would not give himself the trouble to cast the lead. Accordingly we
continued our course all that afternoon and night, without shortening sail,
although the gunner pretended to discover Scilly light; and next morning
protested in form against the captain’s conduct, for which he was put in
confinement, We discovered no land all that day, and Crampley was still so
infatuated as to neglect sounding; but at three o’clock in the morning the
ship struck, and remained fast on a sand-bank. This accident alarmed the

whole crew; the boat was immediately hoisted out, but as we could not
discern which way the shore lay, we were obliged to wait for daylight. In
the meantime, the wind increased, and the waves beat against the sloop with
such violence, that we expected she would have gone to pieces. The gunner
was released and consulted: he advised the captain to cut away the mast, in
order to lighten her; this expedient was performed without success: the
sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation, according to custom, broke up
the chests belonging to the officers, dressed themselves in their clothes,
drank their liquors without ceremony, and drunkenness, tumult, and
confusion ensued.
In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects, and
found the carpenter’s mate hewing down the purser’s cabin with his hatchet,
whistling all the while with great composure. When I asked his intention in
so doing, he replied, very calmly, “I only want to taste the purser’s rum,
that’s all, master.” At that instant the purser coming down, and seeing his
effects going to wreck, complained bitterly of the injustice done to him, and
asked the fellow what occasion he had for liquor when, in all likelihood, he
would be in eternity in a few minutes. “All’s one for that,” said plunderer,
“let us live while we can.” “Miserable wretch that thou art!” cried the
purser, “what must be thy lot in another world, if thou diest in the
commission of robbery?” “Why, hell, I suppose,” replied the other, with
great deliberation, while the purser fell on his knees, and begged of Heaven
that we might not all perish for the sake of Jonas.
During this dialogue I clothed myself in my bed apparel, girded on my
hanger, stuck my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all my valuable
moveables about my person, and came upon deck with a resolution of
taking the first opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke,
appeared at the distance of three miles ahead. Crampley, finding his efforts
to get the ship off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety, by
going into the boat, which he had no sooner done, than the ship’s company
followed so fast, that she would have sunk alongside, had not some one
wiser than the rest cut the rope and put off. But before this happened, I had
made several attempts to get in, and was always balked by the captain, who
was so eager in excluding me, that he did not mind the endeavours of any
other body. Enraged at this inhuman partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I
pulled one of my pistols from my belt, and cocking it, swore I would shoot
any man who would presume to obstruct my entrance. So saying, I leaped

with my full exertion, and got on board of the boat with the loss of the skin
of my shins. I chanced in my descent to overturn Crampley, who no sooner
got up than he struck at me several times with a cutlass, and ordered the
men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious about their own
safety to mind what he said. Though the boat was very deeply loaded, and
the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less than an hour
after we parted from the sloop. As soon as I set my foot on terra firma, my
indignation, which had boiled so long within me, broke out against
Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single combat, presenting my
pistols, that he might take his choice: he took one without hesitation, and,
before I could cock the other, fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the
shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain,
discharged mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged: then
flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth with the
butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an end of him with
that instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass,
which he had given to his servant when he received the pistol. Seeing him
armed in this manner, I drew my hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his
head, closed with him in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his
mouth, which it enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this
wound disconcerted him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I
know not, but he staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one
stroke cut the tendons of the back of his hand, Upon which his cutlass
dropped, and he remained defenceless. I know not with what cruelty my
rage might have inspired me, if I had not at that instant been felled to the
ground by a blow on the back part of my head, which deprived me of all
sensation. In this deplorable situation, exposed to the rage of an incensed
barbarian, and the rapine of an inhuman crew, I remained for some time;
and whether any disputes arose among them during the state of my
annihilation, I cannot pretend to determine; but in one particular they
seemed to have been unanimous, and acted with equal dexterity and
dispatch; for when I recovered the use of my understanding, I found myself
alone in a desolate place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch, buckles,
and everything but my shoes, stockings, breeches and shirt. What a
discovery must this have been to me, who, but an hour before, was worth
sixty guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the parents that gave
me being, the sea that did not swallow me up, the poniard of the enemy,

which could not find the way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left
me in that miserable condition; and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to be
still where I was, and perish.