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Title: The Satyricon — Volume 05: Crotona Affairs

Author: Petronius Arbiter

Translator: W. C. Firebaugh

Release date: June 1, 2004 [eBook #5222]
Most recently updated: December 28, 2020

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/5222

Credits: Produced by David Widger

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE
SATYRICON — VOLUME 05: CROTONA AFFAIRS ***

THE SATYRICON OF
PETRONIUS ARBITER

Volume 5.

Complete and unexpurgated
translation by W. C. Firebaugh, in
which are incorporated the forgeries
of Nodot and Marchena, and the
readings introduced into the text by
De Salas.

ILLUSTRATIONS
Chrysis
Circe
Circe and Encolpius
Circe Enraged
The Priestess' Revenge
Proselenos
Encolpius Beaten
Encolpius and Chrysis
On the Road

THE SATYRICON OF
PETRONIUS ARBITER

Volume 5.

BRACKET CODE:
(Forgeries of Nodot)
[Forgeries of Marchena]
{Additions of De Salas}
DW

VOLUME V.
AFFAIRS AT CROTONA

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
TWENTY-FIFTH.

For a long time affairs at Crotona ran along in this manner and
Eumolpus, flushed with success so far forgot the former state of his fortunes
that he even bragged to his followers that no one could hold out against any
wish of his, and that any member of his suite who committed a crime in that
city would, through the influence of his friends, get off unpunished. But,
although I daily crammed my bloated carcass to overflowing with good
things, and began more and more to believe that Fortune had turned away
her face from keeping watch upon me, I frequently meditated, nevertheless,
upon my present state and upon its cause. "Suppose," thought I, "some wily
legacy hunter should dispatch an agent to Africa and catch us in our lie? Or
even suppose the hireling servant, glutted with prosperity, should tip off his
cronies or give the whole scheme away out of spite? There would be
nothing for it but flight and, in a fresh state of destitution, a recalling of
poverty which had been driven off. Gods and goddesses, how ill it fares
with those living outside the law; they are always on the lookout for what is
coming to them!" (Turning these possibilities over in my mind I left the
house, in a state of black melancholy, hoping to revive my spirits in the
fresh air, but scarcely had I set foot upon the public promenade when a girl,
by no means homely, met me, and, calling me Polyaenos, the name I had
assumed since my metamorphosis, informed me that her mistress desired
leave to speak with me. "You must be mistaken," I answered, in confusion,
"I am only a servant and a stranger, and am by no means worthy of such an
honor.")

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
TWENTY-SIXTH.

("You yourself," she replied, "are the one to whom I was sent but,)
because you are well aware of your good looks, you are proud and sell your
favors instead of giving them. What else can those wavy well-combed locks
mean or that face, rouged and covered with cosmetics, or that languishing,
wanton expression in your eyes? Why that gait, so precise that not a
footstep deviates from its place, unless you wish to show off your figure in
order to sell your favors? Look at me, I know nothing about omens and I
don't study the heavens like the astrologers, but I can read men's intentions
in their faces and I know what a flirt is after when I see him out for a stroll;
so if you'll sell us what I want there's a buyer ready, but if you will do the
graceful thing and lend, let us be under obligations to you for the favor. And
as for your confession that you are only a common servant, by that you only
fan the passion of the lady who burns for you, for some women will only
kindle for canaille and cannot work up an appetite unless they see some
slave or runner with his clothing girded up: a gladiator arouses one, or a
mule-driver all covered with dust, or some actor posturing in some
exhibition on the stage. My mistress belongs to this class, she jumps the
fourteen rows from the stage to the gallery and looks for a lover among the
gallery gods at the back." Puffed up with this delightful chatter. "Come now,
confess, won't you," I queried, "is this lady who loves me yourself?" The
waiting maid smiled broadly at this blunt speech. "Don't have such a high
opinion of yourself," said she, "I've never given in to any servant yet; the
gods forbid that I should ever throw my arms around a gallows-bird. Let the
married women see to that and kiss the marks of the scourge if they like: I'll
sit upon nothing below a knight, even if I am only a servant." I could not
help marveling, for my part, at such discordant passions, and I thought it
nothing short of a miracle that this servant should possess the hauteur of the
mistress and the mistress the low tastes of the wench!

Each one will find what suits his
taste, one thing is not for all,
One gathers roses as his share,
another thorns enthrall.

After a little more teasing, I requested the maid to conduct her mistress to
a clump of plane trees. Pleased with this plan, the girl picked up the skirt of
her garment and turned into a laurel grove that bordered the path. After a
short delay she brought her mistress from her hiding-place and conducted
her to my side; a woman more perfect than any statue. There are no words
with which to describe her form and anything I could say would fall far
short. Her hair, naturally wavy, flowed completely over her shoulders; her
forehead was low and the roots of her hair were brushed back from it; her
eyebrows, running from the very springs of her cheeks, almost met at the
boundary line between a pair of eyes brighter than stars shining in a
moonless night; her nose was slightly aquiline and her mouth was such an
one as Praxiteles dreamed Diana had. Her chin, her neck, her hands, the
gleaming whiteness of her feet under a slender band of gold; she turned
Parian marble dull! Then, for the first time, Doris' tried lover thought lightly
of Doris!

Oh Jove, what's come to pass that
thou, thine armor cast away
Art mute in heaven; and but an idle
tale?
At such a time the horns should
sprout, the raging bull hold sway,
Or they white hair beneath swan's
down conceal
Here's Dana's self! But touch that
lovely form
Thy limbs will melt beneath thy
passions' storm!

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
TWENTY-SEVENTH.

She was delighted and so be witchingly did she smile that I seemed to see
the full moon showing her face from behind a cloud. Then, punctuating her
words with her fingers, "Dear boy, if you are not too critical to enjoy a
woman of wealth who has but this year known her first man, I offer you a
sister," said she. "You have a brother already, I know, for I didn't disdain to
ask, but what is to prevent your adopting a sister, too? I will come in on the
same footing only deem my kisses worthy of recognition and caress me at
your own pleasure!" "Rather let me implore you by your beauty," I replied.
"Do not scorn to admit an alien among your worshipers: If you permit me to
kneel before your shrine you will find me a true votary and, that you may
not think I approach this temple of love without a gift, I make you a present
of my brother!" "What," she exclaimed, "would you really sacrifice the only
one without whom you. could not live'? The one upon whose kisses your
happiness depends. Him whom you love as I would have you love me?"
Such sweetness permeated her voice as she said this, so entrancing was the
sound upon the listening air that you would have believed the Sirens'
harmonies were floating in the breeze. I was struck with wonder and
dazzled by I know not what light that shone upon me, brighter than, the
whole heaven, but I made bold to inquire the name of my divinity. "Why,
didn't my maid tell you that I am called Circe?" she replied. "But I am not
the sun-child nor has my mother ever stayed the revolving world in its
course at her pleasure; but if the Fates bring us two together I will owe
heaven a favor. I don't know what it is, but some god's silent purpose is
beneath this. Circe loves not Polyaenos without some reason; a great torch
is always flaming when these names meet! Take me in your arms then, if
you will; there's no prying stranger to fear, and your 'brother' is far away

from this spot!" So saying, Circe clasped me in arms that were softer than
down and drew me to the ground which was covered with colored flowers.

With flowers like these did Mother
Earth great Ida's summit strew
When Jupiter, his heart aflame,
enjoyed his lawful love;
There glowed the rose, the flowering
rush, the violet's deep blue,
From out green meadows snow-white
lilies laughed. Then from above,
This setting summoned Venus to the
green and tender sod,
Bright day smiled kindly on the
secret amour of the God.

Side by side upon the grassy plot we lay, exchanging a thousand kisses,
the prelude to more poignant pleasure, (but alas! My sudden loss of vigor
disappointed Circe!)

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
TWENTY-EIGHT.

(Infuriated at this affront,) "What's the matter," demanded she; "do my
kisses offend you? Is my breath fetid from fasting? Is there any evil
smelling perspiration in my armpits? Or, if it's nothing of this kind, are you
afraid of Giton?" Under her eyes, I flushed hotly and, if I had any virility
left, I lost it then; my whole body seemed to be inert. "My queen," I cried,
"do not mock me in my humiliation. I am bewitched!" (Circe's anger was
far from being appeased by such a trivial excuse; turning her eyes
contemptuously away from me, she looked at her maid,) "Tell me, Chrysis,
and tell me truly, is there anything repulsive about me? Anything sluttish?
Have I some natural blemish that disfigures my beauty? Don't deceive your
mistress! I don't know what's the matter with us, but there must be
something!" Then she snatched a mirror from the silent maid and after
scrutinizing all the looks and smiles which pass between lovers, she shook
out her wrinkled earth-stained robe and flounced off into the temple of
Venus (nearby.) And here was I, like a convicted criminal who had seen
some horrible nightmare, asking myself whether the pleasure out of which I
had been cheated was a reality or only a dream.

As when, in the sleep-bringing night
Dreams sport with the wandering
eyes,
And earth, spaded up, yields to light
Her gold that by day she denies,
The stealthy hand snatches the spoils;
The face with cold sweat is suffused
And Fear grips him tight in her toils
Lest robbers the secret have used
And shake out the gold from his

breast.
But, when they depart from his brain,
These enchantments by which he's
obsessed,
And Truth comes again with her train
Restoring perspective and pain,
The phantasm lives to the last,
The mind dwells with shades of the
past.

(The misfortune seemed to me a dream, but I imagined that I must surely
be under a spell of enchantment and, for a long time, I was so devoid of
strength that I could not get to my feet. But finally my mental depression
began to abate, little by little my strength came back to me, and I returned
home: arrived there, I feigned illness and threw myself upon my couch. A
little late: Giton, who had heard of my indisposition, entered the room in
some concern. As I wished to relieve his mind I informed him that I had
merely sought my pallet to take a rest, telling him much other gossip but not
a word about my mishap as I stood in great fear of his jealousy and, to lull
any suspicion which he might entertain, I drew him to my side and
endeavoured to give him some proofs of my love but all my panting and
sweating were in vain. He jumped up in a rage and accused my lack of
virility and change of heart, declaring that he had for a long time suspected
that I had been expending my vigor and breath elsewhere. "No! No!
Darling," I replied, "my love for you has always been the same, but reason
prevails now over love and wantonness.") "And for the Socratic continence
of your love, I thank you in his name," (he replied sarcastically,)
"Alcibiades was never more spotless when he left his master's bed!"

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
TWENTY-NINTH.

"Believe me, 'brother,' when I tell you that I do not know whether I am a
man or not," (I vainly protested;) "I do not feel like one, if I am! Dead and
buried lies that part in which I was once an Achilles!" (Giton, seeing that I
was completely enervated, and) fearing that it might give cause for scandal
if he were caught in this quiet place with me, tore himself away and fled
into an inner part of the house. (He had just gone when) Chrysis entered the
room and handed me her mistress's tablets, in which were written the
following words:

CIRCE TO POLYAENOS--
GREETING.
Were I a wanton, I should
complain of my disappointment, but
as it is I am beholden to your
impotence, for by it I dallied the
longer in the shadow of pleasure.
Still, I would like to know how you
are and whether you got home upon
your own legs, for the doctors say
that one cannot walk without nerves!
Young man, I advise you to beware of
paralysis for I never in my life saw a
patient in such great danger; you're as
good as dead, I'm sure! What if the
same numbness should attack your
hands and knees? You would have to
send for the funeral trumpeters! Still,
even if I have been affronted, I will
not begrudge a prescription to one as

sick as you! Ask Giton if you would
like to recover. I am sure you will get
back your strength if you will sleep
without your "brother" for three
nights. So far as I am concerned, I am
not in the least alarmed about. finding
someone to whom I shall be as
pleasing as I was to you; my mirror
and my reputation do not lie.
Farewell (if you can).

"Such things will happen," said Chrysis, when she saw that I had read
through the entire inditement, "and especially in this city, where the women
can lure the moon from the sky! But we'll find a cure for your trouble. Just
return a diplomatic answer to my mistress and restore her self-esteem by
frank courtesy for, truth to tell, she has never been herself from the minute
she received that affront." I gladly followed the maid's advice and wrote
upon the tablets as follows:

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTIETH.

POLYAENOS TO CIRCE--
GREETING.
Dear lady, I confess that I have
often given cause for offense, for I
am only a man, and a young one, too,
but I never committed a deadly crime
until today! You have my confession
of guilt, I deserve any punishment
you may see fit to prescribe. I
betrayed a trust, I murdered a man, I
violated a temple: demand my
punishment for these crimes. Should
it be your pleasure to slay me I will
come to you with my sword; if you
are content with a flogging I will run
naked to my mistress; only bear in
mind that it was not myself but my
tools that failed me. I was a soldier,
and ready, but I had no arms. What
threw me into such disorder I do not
know, perhaps my imagination outran
my lagging body, by aspiring to too
much it is likely that I spent my
pleasure in delay; I cannot imagine
what the trouble was. You bid me
beware of paralysis; as if a disease
which prevented my enjoying you
could grow worse! But my apology

amounts briefly to this; if you will
grant me an opportunity of repairing
my fault, I will give you satisfaction.
Farewell

After dismissing Chrysis with these fair promises, I paid careful attention
to my body which had so evilly served me and, omitting the bath, I
annointed myself, in moderation, with unguents and placed myself upon a
more strengthening diet such as onions and snail's heads without
condiments, and I also drank more sparingly of wine; then, taking a short
walk before settling down to sleep, I went to bed without Giton. So anxious
was I to please her that I feared the outcome if my "brother" lay tickling my
side.

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-FIRST.

Finding myself vigorous in mind and body when I arose next morning, I
went down to the same clump of plane trees, though I dreaded the spot as
one of evil omen, and commenced to wait for Chrysis to lead me on my
way. I took a short stroll and had just seated myself where I had sat the day
before, when she came under the trees, leading a little old woman by the
hand. "Well, Mr. Squeamish," she chirped, when she had greeted me, "have
you recovered your appetite?" In the meantime, the old hag:
A wine-soaked crone with twitching lips

brought out a twisted hank of different colored yarns and put it about my
neck; she then kneaded dust and spittle and, dipping her middle finger into
the mixture, she crossed my forehead with it, in spite of my protests.

As long as life remains, there's hope;
Thou rustic God, oh hear our prayer,
Great Priapus, I thee invoke,
Temper our arms to dare!

When she had made an end of this incantation she ordered me to spit
three times, and three times to drop stones into my bosom, each stone she
wrapped up in purple after she had muttered charms over it; then, directing
her hands to my privates, she commenced to try out my virility. Quicker
than thought the nerves responded to the summons, filling the crone's hand
with an enormous erection! Skipping for joy, "Look, Chrysis, look," she
cried out, "see what a hare I've started, for someone else to course!" (This
done, the old lady handed me over to Chrysis, who was greatly delighted at
the recovery of her mistress's treasure; she hastily conducted me straight to

the latter, introducing me into a lovely nook that nature had furnished with
everything which could delight the eye.)

Shorn of its top, the swaying pine
here casts a
summer shade
And quivering cypress, and the
stately plane
And berry-laden laurel. A brook's
wimpling waters strayed
Lashed into foam, but dancing on
again
And rolling pebbles in their
chattering flow.
'Twas Love's own nook,
As forest nightingale and urban
Procne undertook
To bear true witness; hovering, the
gleaming grass above
And tender violets; wooing with
song, their stolen love.

Fanning herself with a branch of flowering myrtle, she lay, stretched out
with her marble neck resting upon a golden cushion. When she caught sight
of me she blushed faintly; she recalled yesterday's affront, I suppose. At her
invitation, I sat down by her side, as soon as the others had gone;
whereupon she put the branch of myrtle over my face and emboldened, as if
a wall had been raised between us, "Well, Mr. Paralytic," she teased, "have
you brought all of yourself along today?" "Why ask me," I replied, "why
not try me instead?" and throwing myself bodily into her arms, I revelled in
her kisses with no witchcraft to stop me.

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-SECOND.

The loveliness of her form drew, me to her and summoned me to love.
Our lips were pressed together in a torrent of smacking kisses, our groping
hands had discovered every trick of excitation, and our bodies, clasped in a
mutual embrace, had fused our souls into one, (and then, in the very midst
of these ravishing preliminaries my nerves again played me false and I was
unable to last until the instant of supreme bliss.) Lashed to fury by these
inexcusable affronts, the lady at last ran to avenge herself and, calling her
house servants, she gave orders for me to be hoisted upon their shoulders
and flogged; then, still unsatisfied with the drastic punishment she had
inflicted upon me, she called all the spinning women and scrubbing
wenches in the house and ordered them to spit upon me. I covered my face
with my hands but I uttered no complaint as I well knew what I deserved
and, overwhelmed with blows and spittle, I was driven from the house.
Proselenos was kicked out too, Chrysis was beaten, and all the slaves
grumbled among themselves and wondered what had upset their mistress's
good humor. I took heart after having given some thought to my
misfortunes and, artfully concealing the marks of the blows for fear that
Eumolpus would make merry over my mishaps or, worse yet, that Giton
might be saddened by my disgrace, I did the only thing I could do to save
my self-respect, I pretended that I was sick and went to bed. There, I turned
the full fury of my resentment against that recreant which had been the sole
cause of all the evil accidents which had befallen me.

Three times I grasped the two-edged
blade
The recreant to cut away;
Three times by Fear my hand was
stayed

And palsied Terror said me nay
That which I might have done before
'Twas now impossible to do;
For, cold with Fear, the wretch
withdrew
Into a thousand-wrinkled mare,
And shrank in shame before my gaze
Nor would his head uncover more.
But though the scamp in terror
skulked,
With words I flayed him as he sulked.

Raising myself upon my elbow I rebuked the shirker in some such terms
as these: "What have you to say for yourself, you disgrace to gods and
men," I demanded, "for your name must never be mentioned among refined
people. Did I deserve to be lifted up to heaven and then dragged down to
hell by you? Was it right for you to slander my flourishing and vigorous
years and land me in the shadows and lassitude of decrepit old age? Give
me some sign, however faint, I beg of you, that you have returned to life!" I
vented my anger in words such as these.

His eyes were fixed, and with averted
look
He stood, less moved by any word of
mine
Than weeping willows bending o'er a
brook
Or drooping poppies as at noon they
pine.

When I had made an end of this invective, so out of keeping with good
taste, I began to do penance for my soliloquy and blushed furtively because
I had so far forgotten my modesty as to invoke in words that part of my
body which men of dignity do not even recognize. Then, rubbing my
forehead for a long time, "Why have I committed an indiscretion in
relieving my resentment by natural abuse," I mused, "what does it amount

to? Are we not accustomed to swear at every member of the human body,
the belly, throat, or even the head when it aches, as it often does? Did not
Ulysses wrangle with his own heart? Do not the tragedians 'Damn their
eyes' just as if they could hear?
"Gouty patients swear at their feet, rheumatics at their hands, blear-eyed
people at their eyes, and do not those who often stub their toes blame their
feet for all their pain?

"Why will our Catos with their
frowning brows
Condemn a work of fresh simplicity'?
A cheerful kindness my pure speech
endows;
What people do, I write, to my
capacity.
For who knows not the pleasures
Venus gives?
Who will not in a warm bed tease his
members?
Great Epicurus taught a truth that
lives;
Love and enjoy life! All the rest is
embers.

"Nothing can be more insincere than the silly prejudices of mankind, and
nothing sillier than the morality of bigotry,"

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-THIRD.

I called Giton when I had finished my meditation: "Tell me, little
brother," I demanded, "tell me, on your honor: Did Ascyltos stay awake
until he had exacted his will of you, the night he stole you away from me?
Or was he content to spend the night like a chaste widow?" Wiping his eyes
the lad, in carefully chosen words took oath that Ascyltos had used no force
against him. (The truth of the matter is, that I was so distraught with my
own misfortunes that I knew not what I was saying. "Why recall past
memories which can only cause pain," said I to myself. I then directed all
my energies towards the recovery of my lost manhood. To achieve this I
was ready even to devote myself to the gods; accordingly, I went out to
invoke the aid of Priapus.) {Putting as good a face upon the matter as I
could} I knelt upon the threshold of his shrine and invoked the God in the
following verses:

"Of Bacchus and the nymphs,
companion boon,
Whom fair Dione set o'er forests wide
As God: whom Lesbos and green
Thasos own
For deity, whom Lydians, far and
wide
Adore through all the seasons of the
year;
Whose temple in his own Hypaepa
placed,
Thou Dryad's joy and Bacchus', hear
my prayer!
To thee I come, by no dark blood

disgraced,
No shrine, in wicked lust have I
profaned;
When I was poor and worn with
want, I sinned
Not by intent, a pauper's sin's not
banned
As of another! Unto thee I pray
Lift thou the load from off my
tortured mind,
Forgive a light offense! When fortune
smiles
I'll not thy glory shun and leave
behind
Thy worship! Unto thee, a goat that
feels
His primest vigor, father of the flocks
Shall come! And suckling pigs, the
tender young
Of some fine grunting sow! New
wine, in crocks
Shall foam! Thy grateful praises shall
be sung
By youths who thrice shall dance
around thy shrine
Happy, in youth and full of this year's
wine!"

While I was engaged in this diplomatic effort in behalf of the affected
member, a hideous crone with disheveled hair, and clad in black garments
which were in great: disorder, entered the shrine and, laying hands upon me,
led me {thoroughly frightened,} out into the portico.

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-FOURTH.

"What witches" (she cried,) "have devoured your manhood? What filth
did you tread upon at some crossroads, in the dark? Not even by the boy
could you do your duty but, weak and effeminate, you are worn out like a
cart-horse at a hill, you have lost both labor and sweat! Not content with
getting yourself into trouble, you have stirred up the wrath of the gods
against me {and I will make you smart for it."} She then led me,
unresisting, back into the priestess's room, pushed me down upon the bed,
snatched a cane that hung upon the door, and gave me another thrashing: I
remained silent and, had the cane not splintered at the first stroke, thereby
diminishing the force of the blow, she might easily have broken my arms or
my head. I groaned dismally, and especially when she manipulated my
member and, shedding a flood of tears, I covered my head with my right
arm and huddled down upon the pillow. Nor did she weep less bitterly:

The sailor, naked from his foundered
barque,
Some shipwrecked mariner seeks out
to hear his woe;
When hail beats down a farmer's
crop, his cark
Seeks consolation from another, too.
Death levels caste and sufferers
unites,
And weeping parents are as one in
grief;
We also will beseech the starry
heights,

United prayers climb best, is the
belief.

She seated herself upon the other side of the bed and in quavering tones
commenced to accuse the delays of old age. At last the priestess came in.
"Why," she cried, "what has brought you into my cell as if you were visiting
a newly made grave? And on a feast-day, too, when even mourners ought to
smile!" "OEnothea," the old hag replied, "this young man here was born
under an unlucky star: he can't dispose of his goods to either boy or girl.
Such an unfortunate fellow you never saw. He has no tool at all, only a
piece of leather soaked in water! I wish you would tell me what you think
of a man who could get up from Circe's bed without having tasted
pleasure!" On hearing these words, OEnothea sat down between us and,
after shaking her head for a while, "I'm the only one that knows how to cure
that disease," said she, "and for fear you think I'm talking to hear myself
talk, I'll just have the young fellow sleep with me for a night, and if I don't
make it as hard as horn!

All that you see in the world must
give heed to my mandates;
Blossoming earth, when I will it,
must languish, a desert.'
Riches pour forth, when I will it,
from crags and grim boulders
Waters will spurt that will rival the
Nile at its flooding
Seas calm their billows before me,
gales silence their howlings,
Hearing my step! And the rivers sink
into their channels;
Dragons, Hyrcanian tigers stand fast
at my bidding!
Why should I tell you of small
things? The image of Luna
Drawn by my spells must descend,
and Apollo, atremble

Backs up his horses and turns from
his course at my order!
Such is the power of my word! By
the rites of a virgin
Quenched is the raging of bulls; and
the sun's daughter Circe
Changed and transfigured the crew of
the wily Ulysses.
Proteus changes his form when his
good pleasure dictates,
I, who am skilled in these arts, can
the shrubs of Mount Ida
Plant in the ocean; turn rivers to flow
up the mountains!"

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-FIFTH.

At this declaration, which was so awe-inspiring, I shuddered in terror,
and commenced to scrutinize the crone more narrowly. "Come now," said
OEnothea, "obey my orders," and, carefully wiping her hands, she bent over
the cot and kissed me, once, twice! On the middle of the altar OEnothea
placed an old table, upon which she heaped live coals, then with melted
pitch she repaired a goblet which had become cracked through age. Next
she replaced, in the smoke-stained wall, a peg which had come out when
she took down the wooden goblet. Then, having donned a mantle, in the
shape of a piece of square-cut cloth, she set a huge kettle upon the hearth
and at the same time speared with a fork a cloth hanging upon the
meathooks, and lifted it down. It contained some beans which had been laid
away for future use, and a very small and stale piece of pig's cheek, scored
with a thousand slashes. When she had untied the string which fastened the
cloth, she poured some of the beans upon the table and ordered me to shell
them quickly and carefully. I obey her mandate and with careful fingers
separate the beans from the filthy pods which contain them; but she,
accusing my clumsiness, hastily snatched them and, skillfully tearing off the
pods with her teeth, spat them upon the ground, where they looked like
dead flies. I wondered, then, at the ingenuity of poverty and its expedients
for emergency. (So ardent a follower of this virtue did the priestess seem
that it was reflected in everything around her. Her dwelling, in particular,
was a very shrine of poverty.)

No Indian ivory set in gold gleamed
here,
No trodden marble glistened here; no
earth
Mocked for its gifts; but Ceres'

festive grove:
With willow wickerwork 'twas set
around,
New cups of clay by revolutions
shaped
Of lowly wheel. For honey soft, a
bowl;
Platters of green bark wickerwork, a
jar
Stained by the lifeblood of the God of
Wine;
The walls around with chaff and
spattered clay
Were covered. Flanging from
protruding nails
Were slender stalks of the green rush;
and then
Suspended from the smoky beam, the
stores
Of this poor cottage. Service berries
soft,
Entwined in fragrant wreaths hung
down,
Dried savory and raisins by the
bunch.
An hostess here like she on Attic soil,
Of Hecate's pure worship worthy she!
Whose fame Kallimachos so grandly
sang
'Twill live forever through the
speaking years.

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-SIXTH.

In the meantime, (having shelled the beans,) she took a mouthful of the
meat and with the fork was replacing the pig's cheek, which was coeval
with herself, upon the meat-hook, when the rotten stool, which she was
using to augment her height, broke down under the old lady's weight and let
her fall upon the hearth. The neck of the pot was broken, putting out the
fire, which was just getting a good start, her elbow was burned by a flaming
brand, and her whole face was covered by the ashes raised by her fall. I
jumped up in dismay and, not without laughing, helped the old lady to her
feet. She hastily scurried out into the neighborhood to replenish the fire, for
fear anything should delay the sacrifice. I was on my way to the door of the
cell when lo! and behold! three sacred geese which were accustomed, I
suppose, to demand their feed from the old woman at midday, made a rush
at me and, surrounding me, made me nervous with their abominable rabid
cackling. One tore at my tunic, another undid the lacings of my sandals and
tugged at them, but one in particular, the ringleader and moving spirit of
this savage attack, did not hesitate to worry at my leg with his serrated bill.
Unable to see the joke, I twisted off one of the legs of the little table and,
thus armed, began to belabor the pugnacious brute. Nor did I rest content
with a light blow, I avenged myself by the death of the goose.

'Twas thus, I ween, the birds of
Stymphalus
To heaven fled, by Herakles impelled;
The Harpies, too, whose reeking
pinions held
That poison which the feast of
Phineus
Contaminated. All the air above

With their unwonted lamentations
shook,
The heavens in uproar and confusion
move
{The Stars, in dread, their orbits then
forsook!}

By this time the two remaining geese had picked up the beans which had
been scattered all over the floor and bereft, I suppose, of their leader, had
gone back into the temple; and I, well content with my revenge and my
booty, threw the dead goose behind the cot and bathed the trifling wound in
my leg with vinegar: then, fearing a scolding, I made up my mind to run
away and, collecting together all my belongings, started to leave the house.
I had not yet stepped over the threshold of the cell, however, when I caught
sight of OEnothea returning with an earthen vessel full of live coals.
Thereupon I retraced my steps and, throwing off my garments, I took my
stand just inside the door, as if I were awaiting her return. She banked her
fire with broken reeds, piled some pieces of wood on top, and began to
excuse her delay on the ground that her friend would not permit her to leave
until after the customary three drinks had been taken. "But what were you
up to in my absence?" she demanded. "Where are the beans?" Thinking that
I had done a thing worthy of all praise, I informed her of the battle in all its
details and, that she might not be downcast any longer, I produced the dead
goose in payment for her loss. When the old lady laid eyes upon that, she
raised such a clamor that you would have thought that the geese had
invaded the room again. Confounded and thunderstruck at the novelty of
my crime, I asked her why she was so angry and why she pitied the goose
rather than myself.

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY
SEVENTH.

But, beating her palms together, "You villain, are you so brazen that you
can speak?" she shrieked. "Don't you know what a serious crime you've
committed? You have slaughtered the delight of Priapus, a goose, the very
darling of married women! And for fear you think that nothing serious has
happened, if the magistrates find this out you'll go to the cross! Until this
day my dwelling has been inviolate and you have polluted it with blood!
You have conducted yourself in such a manner that any enemy I have can
turn me out of the priesthood!"

She spoke, and from her trembling
head she tore the snow-white hair,
And scratched her cheeks: her
eyes shed floods of tears.
As when a torrent headlong rushes
down the valleys drear,
Its icy fetters gone when Sprint
appears,
And strikes the frozen shackles from
rejuvenated earth
So down her face the tears in
torrents swept
And wracking sobs convulsed her
as she wept.

"Please don't make such a fuss," I said, "I'll give you an ostrich in place
of your goose!" While she sat upon the cot and, to my stupefaction,
bewailed the death of the goose, Proselenos came in with the materials for
the sacrifice. Seeing the dead goose and inquiring the cause of her grief, she

herself commenced to weep more violently still and to commiserate me, as
if I had slain my own father, instead of a public goose. Growing tired of this
nonsense at last, "See here," said I, "could I not purchase immunity for a
price, even though I had assaulted you'? Even though I had murdered a
man? Look here! I'm laying down two gold pieces, you can buy both gods
and geese with them!" "Forgive me, young man," said OEnothea, when she
caught sight of the gold, "I am anxious upon your account; that is a proof of
love, not of malignity. Let us take such precautions that not a soul will find
this out. As for you, pray to the gods to forgive your sacrilege!"

The rich man can sail in a favoring
gale
And snap out his course at his
pleasure;
A Dance espouse, no Acrisius will
rail,
His credence by hers he will
measure;
Write verse, or declaim; snap the
finger of scorn
At the world, yet still win all his
cases,
The rabble will drink in his words
with concern
When a Cato austere it displaces.
At law, his "not proven," or "proved,"
he can have
With Servius or Labeo vieing;
With gold at command anything he
may crave
Is his without asking or sighing.
The universe bows at his slightest
behest,
For Jove is a prisoner in his
treasure chest.

In the meantime, she scurried around and put a jar of wine under my
hands and, when my fingers had all been spread out evenly, she purified
them with leeks and parsley. Then, muttering incantations, she threw hazel-
nuts into the wine and drew her conclusions as they sank or floated; but she
did not hoodwink me, for those with empty shells, no kernel and full of air,
would of course float, while those that were heavy and full of sound kernel
would sink to the bottom. {She then turned her attention to the goose,} and,
cutting open the breast, she drew out a very fat liver from which she
foretold my future. Then, for fear any trace of the crime should remain, she
cut the whole goose up, stuck the pieces upon spits, and served up a very
delectable dinner for me, whom, but a moment before, she had herself
condemned to death, in her own words! Meanwhile, cups of unmixed wine
went merrily around (and the crones greedily devoured the goose which
they had but so lately lamented. When the last morsel had disappeared,
OEnothea, half-drunk by this time, looked at me and said, "We must now
go through with the mysteries, so that you may get back your virility.")

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-EIGHTH.

(As she said this OEnothea brought) out a leathern dildo which, when she
had smeared it with oil, ground pepper, and pounded nettle seed, she
commenced to force, little by little, up my anus. The merciless old virago
then anointed the insides of my thighs with the same decoction; finally
mixing nasturtium juice with elixir of southern wood, she gave my genitals
a bath and, picking up a bunch of green nettles, she commenced to strike
me gently all over my belly below the navel. {The nettles stung me horribly
and I suddenly took to my heels, with the old hags in full pursuit.} Although
they were befuddled with wine and lust they followed the right road and
chased me through several wards, screaming "Stop thief." I made good my
escape, however, although every toe was bleeding as the result of my
headlong flight. (I got home as quickly as I could and, worn out with
fatigue, I sought my couch, but I could not snatch a wink of sleep for the
evil adventures which had befallen me kept running through my brain and,
brooding upon them, I came to the conclusion that no one could be so
abjectly unfortunate. "Has Fortune, always inimical to me, stood in need of
the pangs of love, that she might torture me more cruelly still," I cried out;
"unhappy wretch that I am! Fortune and Love have joined forces to bring
about my ruin. Cruel Eros himself had never dealt leniently with me, loved
or lover I am put to the torture! Take the case of Chrysis: she loves me
desperately, never leaves off teasing me, she who despised me as a servant,
because, when she was acting as her mistress's go-between, I was dressed in
the garments of a slave: she, I say) that same Chrysis, who looked with
contempt upon your former lowly lot, is now bent upon following it up
even at the peril of her life; (she swore that she would never leave my side
on the day when she told me of the violence of her passion: but Circe owns
me, heart and soul, all others I despise. Who could be lovelier than she?)
What loveliness had Ariadne or Leda to compare with hers? What had
Helen to compare with her, what has Venus? If Paris himself had seen her

with her dancing eyes, when he acted as umpire for the quarreling
goddesses, he would have given up Helen and the goddesses for her! If I
could only steal a kiss, if only I might put my arms around that divine, that
heavenly bosom, perhaps the virility would come back to this body and the
parts, flaccid from witchcraft would, I believe, come into their own.
Contempt cannot tire me out: what if I was flogged; I will forget it! What if
I was thrown out! I will treat it as a joke! Only let me be restored to her
good graces!

At rest on my pallet, night's silence
had scarce settled down
To soothe me, and eyes heavy-laden
with slumber to lull
When torturing Amor laid hold of me,
seizing my hair
And dragging me, wounding me,
ordered a vigil till dawn.
'Oh heart of stone, how canst thou lie
here alone?' said the God,
'Thou joy of a thousand sweet
mistresses, how, oh my slave?'
In disarrayed nightrobe I leap to bare
feet and essay
To follow all paths; but a road can
discover by none.
One moment I hasten; the next it is
torture to move,
It irks me again to turn back, shame
forbids me to halt
And stand in the midst of the road.
Lo! the voices of men,
The roar of the streets, and the songs
of the birds, and the bark
Of vigilant watch-dogs are hushed!
Alone, I of all
Society dread both my slumber and

couch, and obey
Great Lord of the Passions, thy
mandate which on me was laid."

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
THIRTY-NINTH.

(Such thoughts as these, of lovely Circe's charms so wrought upon my
mind that) I disordered my bed by embracing the image, as it were, of my
mistress, (but my efforts were all wasted.) This obstinate (affliction finally
wore out my patience, and I cursed the hostile deity by whom I was
bewitched. I soon recovered my composure, however, and, deriving some
consolation from thinking of the heroes of old, who had been persecuted by
the anger of the gods, I broke out in these lines:)

Hostile gods and implacable rate not
me alone pursue;
Herakles once suffered the weight of
heaven's displeasure too
Driven from the Inachian coast:
Laomedon of old
Sated two of the heavenly host: in
Pelias, behold
Juno's power to avenge an affront;
and Telephus took arms
Knowing not he must bear the brunt;
Ulysses feared the storms
Angry Neptune decreed as his due.
Now, me to overwhelm
Outraged Priapus ever pursues on
land and Nereus' realm.

(Tortured by these cares I spent the whole night in anxiety, and at dawn,
Giton, who had found out that I had slept at home, entered the room and
bitterly accused me of leading a licentious life; he said that the whole

household was greatly concerned at what I had been doing, that I was so
rarely present to attend to my duties, and that the intrigue in which I was
engaged would very likely bring about my ruin. I gathered from this that he
had been well informed as to my affairs, and that someone had been to the
house inquiring for me. Thereupon,) I began to ply Giton with questions as
to whether anyone had made inquiry for me; "Not today," he replied, "but
yesterday a woman came in at the door, not bad looking, either, and after
talking to me for quite a while, and wearing me out with her far-fetched
conversation, finally ended by saying that you deserved punishment, and
that you would receive the scourging of a slave if the injured party pressed
his complaint." (This news afflicted me so bitterly that I levelled fresh
recriminations against Fortune, and) I had not yet finished grumbling when
Chrysis came in and, throwing herself upon me, embraced me passionately.
"I have you," she cried, "just as I hoped I would; you are my heart's desire,
my joy, you can never put out this flame of mine unless you quench it in my
blood!" (I was greatly embarrassed by this wantonness of Chrysis and had
recourse to flattery in order that I might rid myself of her, as I feared that
her passionate outcries would reach the ears of Eumolpus who, in the
arrogance of success, had put on the manner of the master. So on this
account, I did everything I could think of to calm Chrysis. I feigned love,
whispered compliments, in short, so skillfully did I dissimulate that she
believed I was Love's own captive. I showed her what pressing peril
overhung us should she be caught in that room with me, as Eumolpus was
only too ready to punish the slightest offense. On hearing this, she left me
hurriedly, and all the more quickly, as she caught sight of Giton, who had
only left me a little before she had come in, on his way to my room. She
was scarcely gone when) one of the newly engaged servants rushed in and
informed me that the master was furiously angry with me because of my
two days' absence from duty; I would do well, therefore, to prepare some
plausible excuse, as it was not likely that his angry passion would be
placated until someone had been flogged. (Seeing that I was so vexed and
disheartened, Giton said not a word about the woman, contenting himself
with speaking of Eumolpus, and advising me that it would be better to joke
with him than to treat the matter seriously. I followed this lead and appeared
before the old fellow, with so merry a countenance that, instead of showing
severity, he received me with good humor and rallied me upon the success
of my love affairs, praising the elegance of my figure which made me such

a favorite with the ladies. "I know very well," he went on, "that a lovely
woman is dying for love of you, Encolpius, and this may come in handy for
us, so play your part and I'll play mine, too!")

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND
FORTIETH.

(He was still speaking, when in came a) matron of the most exclusive
social set, Philumene by name, who had often, when young, extorted many
a legacy by means of her charms, but an old woman now, the flower of her
beauty faded, she threw her son and daughter in the way of childless old
men and through this substitution she contrived to continue her established
policy. She came to Eumolpus, both to commend her children to his
practical judgment and to entrust herself and her hopes to his good nature,
he being the only one in all the world who could daily instruct young
children in healthy precepts. In short, she left her children in Eumolpus'
house in order that they might hear the words that dropped from his lips, as
this was the only legacy she could leave to them. Nor did she do otherwise
than as she had promised, but left in his bed chamber a very beautiful
daughter and her brother, a lad, and pretended that she herself was
compelled to go out to a temple to offer up her vows. Eumolpus, who was
so continent that even I was a boy in his eyes, lost no time in inviting the
damsel to sacrifice to the Aversa Venus; but, as he had told everyone that he
was gouty and that his back was weak, and as he stood in danger of
upsetting the whole farce if he did not carefully live up to the pretence, he
therefore, that the imposture might be kept up, prevailed upon the young
lady to seat herself upon that goodness which had been commended to her,
and ordered Corax to crawl under the bed upon which he himself was lying
and after bracing himself by putting his hands upon the floor, to hoist his
master up and down with his own back. Corax carried out the order in full
and skillfully seconded the wriggling of the girl with a corresponding
seesaw. Then, when the crisis was about due, Eumolpus, in a ringing voice,
called out to Corax to increase the cadence. And thus the old lecher,
suspended between his servant and his mistress, enjoyed himself just as if
he were in a swing. Time and again Eumolpus repeated this performance, to
the accompaniment of ringing laughter in which he himself joined. At last,

fearing I might lose an opportunity through lack of application, I also made
advances to the brother who was enjoying the gymnastics of his sister
through the keyhole, to see if he would prove amenable to assault. Nor did
this well trained lad reject my advances; but alas! I discovered that the God
was still my enemy. (However, I was not so blue over this failure as I had
been over those before, and my virility returned a little later and, suddenly
finding myself in better fettle I cried out,) "Great are the gods who have
made me whole again! In his loving kindness, Mercury, who conducts and
reconducts the souls, has restored to me that which a hostile hand had cut
away. Look! You will find that I am more graciously endowed than was
Protestilaus or any other of the heroes of old!" So saying, I lifted up my
tunic and showed Eumolpus that I was whole. At first he was startled, then,
that he might believe his own eyes, he handled this pledge of the good will
of the gods with both hands. (Our good humor was revived by this blessing
and we laughed at the diplomacy of Philumene and at the skill with which
her children plied their calling, little likely to profit them much with us,
however, as it was only in hopes of coming into a legacy that she had
abandoned the boy and girl to us. Meditating upon this unscrupulous
method of getting around childless old men, I began to take thought of the
present state of our own affairs and made use of the occasion to warn
Eumolpus that he might be bitten in biting the biters. "Everything that we
do," I said, "should be dictated by Prudence.) Socrates, {whose judgment
was riper than that} of the gods or of men used to boast that he had never
looked into a tavern nor believed the evidence of his own eyes in any
crowded assembly which was disorderly: so nothing is more in keeping
than always conversing with wisdom.

Live coals are more readily held in
men's mouths than a secret!
Whatever you talk of at home will fly
forth in an instant,
Become a swift rumor and beat at the
walls of your city.
Nor is it enough that your confidence
thus has been broken,
As rumor but grows in the telling and

strives to embellish.
The covetous servant who feared to
make public his knowledge
A hole in the ground dug, and therein
did whisper his secret
That told of a king's hidden ears: this
the earth straightway echoed,
And rustling reeds added that Midas
was king in the story.

"Every word of this is true," I insisted, "and no one deserves to get into
trouble more quickly than he who covets the goods of others! How could
cheats and swindlers live unless they threw purses or little bags clinking
with money into the crowd for bait? Just as dumb brutes are enticed by
food, human beings are not to be caught unless they have something in the
way of hope at which to nibble! (That was the reason that the Crotonians
gave us such a satisfactory reception, but) the ship does not arrive, from
Africa, with your money and your slaves, as you promised. The patience of
the fortune-hunters is worn out and they have already cut down their
liberality so that, either I am mistaken, or else our usual luck is about to
return to punish you!"

CHAPTER THE ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-
FIRST.

("I have thought up a scheme," replied Eumolpus, "which will embarrass
our fortune-hunting friends sorely," and as he said this, he drew his tablets
from his wallet and read his last wishes aloud, as follows:) "All who are
down for legacies under my will, my freedmen only excepted, shall come
into what I bequeath them subject to this condition, that they do cut my
body into pieces and devour said pieces in sight of the crowd: {nor need
they be inordinately shocked} for among some peoples, the law ordaining
that the dead shall be devoured by their relatives is still in force; nay, even
the sick are often abused because they render their own flesh worse! I
admonish my friends, by these presents, lest they refuse what I command,
that they devour my carcass with as great relish as they damned my soul!"
(Eumolpus had just started reading the first clauses when several of his
most intimate friends entered the room and catching sight of the tablets in
his hand in which was contained his last will and testament, besought him
earnestly to permit them to hear the contents. He consented immediately
and read the entire instrument from first to last. But when they had heard
that extraordinary stipulation by which they were under the necessity of
devouring his carcass, they were greatly cast down, but) his reputation for
enormous wealth dulled the eyes and brains of the wretches, (and they were
such cringing sycophants that they dared not complain of the outrage in his
hearing. One there was, nevertheless, named) Gorgias, who was willing to
comply, (provided he did not have too long to wait! To this, Eumolpus
made answer:) "I have no fear that your stomach will turn, it will obey
orders; if, for one hour of nausea you promise it a plethora of good things:
just shut your eyes and pretend that it's not human guts you've bolted, but
ten million sesterces! And beside, we will find some condiment which will
disguise the taste! No flesh is palatable of itself, it must be seasoned by art
and reconciled to the unwilling stomach. And, if you desire to fortify the
plan by precedents, the Saguntines ate human flesh when besieged by

Hannibal, and they had no legacy in prospect! In stress of famine, the
inhabitants of Petelia did the same and gained nothing from the diet except
that they were not hungry! When Numantia was taken by Scipio, mothers,
with the half-eaten bodies of their babes in their bosoms, were found!
(Therefore, since it is only the thought of eating human flesh that makes
you squeamish, you must try to overcome your aversion, with all your
heart, so that you may come into the immense legacies I have put you down
for!" So carelessly did Eumolpus reel off these extravagances that the
fortune-hunters began to lose faith in the validity of his promises and
subjected our words and actions to a closer scrutiny immediately; their
suspicions grew with their experience and they came to the conclusion that
we were out and out grafters, and thereupon those who had been put to the
greatest expense for our entertainment resolved to seize us and take it out in
just revenge; but Chrysis, who was privy to all their scheming, informed me
of the designs which the Crotonians had hatched; and when I heard this
news, I was so terrified that I fled instantly, with Giton, and left Eumolpus
to his fate. I learned, a few days later, that the Crotonians, furious because
the old fox had lived so long and so sumptuously at the public expense, had
put him to death in the Massilian manner. That you may comprehend what
this means, know that) whenever the Massilians were ravaged by the
plague, one of the poor would offer himself to be fed for a whole year upon
choice food at public charge; after which, decked out with olive branches
and sacred vestments, he was led out through the entire city, loaded with
imprecations so that he might take to himself the evils from which the city
suffered, and then thrown headlong (from the cliff.)

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