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Title: Comic History of the United States

Author: Bill Nye

Illustrator: Frederick Burr Opper

Release date: May 13, 2007 [eBook #21427]
Most recently updated: January 2, 2021

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/21427

Credits: Produced by Joseph R. Hauser, Janet Blenkinship and the
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC
HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES ***

Bill Nye's

HISTORY

OF THE

UNITED
STATES
ILLUSTRATED BY

F. Opper
THOMPSON & THOMAS,
CHICAGO.

COPYRIGHT, 1894,
BY
J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY.

PREFACE.
Facts in a nude state are not liable criminally, any more than bright and
beautiful children commit a felony by being born thus; but it is the solemn
duty of those having these children in charge to put appropriate, healthful,
and even attractive apparel upon them at the earliest possible moment.
It is thus with facts. They are the frame-work of history, not the drapery.
They are like the cold, hard, dishevelled, damp, and uncomfortable body
under the knife of the demonstrator, not the bright and bounding boy,

clothed in graceful garments and filled to
every tingling capillary with a soul.
We, each of us, the artist and the author,
respect facts. We have never, either of us,
said an unkind word regarding facts. But
we believe that they should not be placed
before the public exactly as they were
born. We want to see them embellished
and beautified. That is why this history is
written.
Certain facts have come into the
possession of the artist and author of this
book regarding the history of the Republic
down to the present day. We find, upon
looking over the records and documents on
file in the various archives of state and
nation, that they are absolutely beyond
question, and it is our object to give these
truthfully. These rough and untidy, but
impregnable truths, dressed in the sweet
persuasive language of the author, and fluted, embossed, embroidered, and
embellished by the skilful hand of the artist, are now before you.
History is but the record of the public and official acts of human beings. It
is our object, therefore, to humanize our history and deal with people past
and present; people who ate and possibly drank; people who were born,
flourished, and died; not grave tragedians, posing perpetually for their
photographs.
If we succeed in this way, and administer historical truth in the smooth
capsule of the cartoonist and the commentator, we are content. If not, we
know whose fault it will be, but will not get mad and swear about it.
Bill Nye.

Fred'k B. Opper.

CONTENTS
CHAPTER I. PAGE
The Discovery of America 13
CHAPTER II.
Other Discoveries—Wet and Dry 23
CHAPTER III.
The Thirteen Original Colonies 36
CHAPTER IV.
The Plymouth Colony 47
CHAPTER V.
Drawbacks of Being a Colonist 55
CHAPTER VI.
The Episode of the Charter Oak 62
CHAPTER VII.
The Discovery of New York 72
CHAPTER VIII.
The Dutch at New Amsterdam 82
CHAPTER IX.
Settlement of the Middle States 92
CHAPTER X.
The Early Aristocracy 102
CHAPTER XI.
Intercolonial and Indian Wars 110
CHAPTER XII.
Personality of Washington 124
CHAPTER XIII.
Contrasts With the Present Day 131
CHAPTER XIV.
The Revolutionary War 142
CHAPTER XV.
Benjamin Franklin, LL.D., PhG, F.R.S., etc. 152

CHAPTER XVI.
The Critical Period 160
CHAPTER XVII.
The Beginning of the End 170
CHAPTER XVIII.
The Close of the Revolution 181
CHAPTER XIX.
The First President 191
CHAPTER XX.
The War With Canada 203
CHAPTER XXI.
The Advance of the Republic 212
CHAPTER XXII.
More Difficulties Straightened Out 222
CHAPTER XXIII.
The Websters 233
CHAPTER XXIV.
Befo' the Wah—causes Which Led To It—
masterly Grasp Of the Subject Shown by the 243
Author
CHAPTER XXV.
Bull Run and Other Battles 252
CHAPTER XXVI.
Some More Fratricidal Strife 263
CHAPTER XXVII.
Still More Fraternal Bloodshed, on Principle
—outing Features Disappear, and Give Place To
274
Strained Relations Between Combatants, Who
Begin To Mix Things
CHAPTER XXVIII.
Last Year of the Disagreeable War 284
CHAPTER XXIX.
Too Much Liberty in Places and Not Enough 297
Elsewhere.—thoughts On the Late War—who
Is the Bigger Ass, The Man Who Will Not

Forgive and Forget, Or The Mawkish and Moist
Eyed Sniveller Who Wants To Do That All the
Time?
CHAPTER XXX.
Reconstruction Without Pain—administrations
305
of Johnson And Grant
CHAPTER XXXI.
Closing Chronicles 317
Appendix 329

CHAPTER I.
THE DISCOVERY OF AMERICA.

It was a beautiful evening at the close of a warm, luscious day in old Spain.
It was such an evening as one would select for trysting purposes. The
honeysuckle gave out the sweet announcement of its arrival on the summer
breeze, and the bulbul sang in the dark vistas of olive-trees,—sang of his
love and his hope, and of the victory he anticipated in the morrow's bulbul-
fight, and the plaudits of the royal couple who would be there. The pink
west paled away to the touch of twilight, and the soft zenith was sown with
stars coming like celestial fire-flies on the breast of a mighty meadow.
Across the dusk, with bowed head, came a woman. Her air was one of
proud humility. It was the air of royalty in the presence of an overruling
power. It was Isabella. She was on her way to confession. She carried a
large, beautifully-bound volume containing a memorandum of her sins for
the day. Ever and anon she would refer to it, but the twilight had come on
so fast that she could not read it.

ISABELLA AT CONFESSIONAL.

Reaching the confessional, she kneeled, and, by the aid of her notes, she
told off to the good Father and receptacle of the queen's trifling sins,
Fernando de Talavera, how wicked she had been. When it was over and the
queen had risen to go, Fernando came forth, and with a solemn obeisance
said,—
"May it please your Majesty, I have to-day received a letter from my good
friend the prior of the Franciscan convent of St. Mary's of Rabida in
Andalusia. With your Majesty's permission, I will read it to you."
"Proceed," exclaimed Isabella, gravely, taking a piece of crochet-work from
her apron and seating herself comfortably near the dim light.
"It is dated the sixth month and tenth day of the month, and reads as
follows:
"Dear Brother:
"This letter will be conveyed unto your hands by the bearer
hereof. His name is Christopher Columbus, a native of Genoa,
who has been living on me for two years. But he is a good man,
devout and honest. He is willing to work, but I have nothing to
do in his line. Times, as you know, are dull, and in his own
profession nothing seems to be doing.
"He is by profession a discoverer. He has been successful in the
work where he has had opportunities, and there has been no
complaint so far on the part of those who have employed him.
Everything he has ever discovered has remained that way, so he
is willing to let his work show for itself.
"Should you be able to bring this to the notice of her Majesty,
who is tender of heart, I would be most glad; and should her
most gracious Majesty have any discovering to be done, or
should she contemplate a change or desire to substitute another
in the place of the present discoverer, she will do well to
consider the qualifications of my friend.

"Very sincerely and fraternally thine,
"Etc., etc."
The queen inquired still further regarding Columbus, and, taking the letter,
asked Talavera to send him to the royal sitting-room at ten o'clock the
following day.
When Columbus arose the next morning he found a note from the royal
confessor, and, without waiting for breakfast, for he had almost overcome
the habit of eating, he reversed his cuffs, and, taking a fresh handkerchief
from his valise and putting it in his pocket so that the corners would coyly
stick out a little, he was soon on his way to the palace. He carried also a
small globe wrapped up in a newspaper.
The interview was encouraging until the matter of money necessary for the
trip was touched upon. His Majesty was called in, and spoke sadly of the
public surplus. He said that there were one hundred dollars still due on his
own salary, and the palace had not been painted for eight years. He had
taken orders on the store till he was tired of it. "Our meat bill," said he,
taking off his crown and mashing a hornet on the wall, "is sixty days
overdue. We owe the hired girl for three weeks; and how are we going to
get funds enough to do any discovering, when you remember that we have
got to pay for an extra session this fall for the purpose of making money
plenty?"

COLUMBUS AT COURT.

But Isabella came and sat by him in her winning way, and with the
moistened corner of her handkerchief removed a spot of maple syrup from
the ermine trimming of his reigning gown. She patted his hand, and, with
her gentle voice, cheered him and told him that if he would economize and
go without cigars or wine, in less than two hundred years he would have
saved enough to fit Columbus out.
A few weeks later he had saved one hundred and fifty dollars in this way.
The queen then went at twilight and pawned a large breastpin, and, although
her chest was very sensitive to cold, she went without it all the following
winter, in order that Columbus might discover America before immigration
set in here.
Too much cannot be said of the heroism of Queen Isabella and the courage
of her convictions. A man would have said, under such circumstances, that
there would be no sense in discovering a place that was not popular. Why
discover a place when it is so far out of the way? Why discover a country

with no improvements? Why discover a country that is so far from the
railroad? Why discover, at great expense, an entirely new country?
But Isabella did not stop to listen to these croaks. In the language of the
Honorable Jeremiah M. Rusk, "She seen her duty and she done it." That
was Isabella's style.
Columbus now began to select steamer-chairs and rugs. He had already
secured the Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria, and on the 3d of August, 1492, he
sailed from Palos.
Isabella brought him a large bunch of beautiful flowers as he was about to
sail, and Ferdinand gave him a nice yachting-cap and a spicy French novel
to read on the road.
He was given a commission as viceroy or governor of all the lands he might
discover, with hunting and shooting privileges on same.
He stopped several weeks at the
Canary Islands, where he and his
one hundred and twenty men rested
and got fresh water. He then set out
sailing due west over an unknown
sea to blaze the way for liberty.
Soon, however, his men began to
murmur. They began also to pick
on Columbus and occupy his
steamer-chair when he wanted to
use it himself. They got to making
chalk-marks on the deck and
compelling him to pay a shilling
before he could cross them. Some
claimed that they were lost and that
they had been sailing around for COLUMBUS'S STEAMER-CHAIR.
over a week in a circle, one man
stating that he recognized a spot in the sea that they had passed eight times
already.

Finally they mutinied, and started to throw the great navigator overboard,
but he told them that if they would wait until the next morning he would tell
them a highly amusing story that he heard just before he left Palos.
Thus his life was saved, for early in the morning the cry of "Land ho!" was
heard, and America was discovered.
A saloon was at once started, and the first step thus taken towards the
foundation of a republic. From that one little timid saloon, with its family
entrance, has sprung the magnificent and majestic machine which,
lubricated with spoils and driven by wind, gives to every American to-day
the right to live under a Government selected for him by men who make
that their business.
Columbus discovered America several times after the 12th of October,
1492, and finally, while prowling about looking for more islands,
discovered South America near the mouth of the Orinoco.
He was succeeded as governor by Francisco de Bobadilla, who sent him
back finally in chains. Thus we see that the great are not always happy.
There is no doubt that millions of people every year avoid many
discomforts by remaining in obscurity.

COLUMBUS HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS SAILORS.

The life of Columbus has been written by hundreds of men, both in this
country and abroad, but the foregoing facts are distilled from this great
biographical mass by skilful hands, and, like the succeeding pages, will
stand for centuries unshaken by the bombardment of the critic, while
succeeding years shall try them with frost and thaw, and the tide of time
dash high against their massive front, only to recede, quelled and defeated.
[1]

CHAPTER II.
OTHER DISCOVERIES—WET AND DRY.

America had many other discoverers besides Columbus, but he seems to
have made more satisfactory arrangements with the historians than any of
the others. He had genius, and was also a married man. He was a good
after-dinner speaker, and was first to use the egg trick, which so many after-
dinner speakers have since wished they had thought of before Chris did.
In falsifying the log-book in order to make his sailors believe that they had
not sailed so far as they had, Columbus did a wrong act, unworthy of his
high notions regarding the pious discovery of this land. The artist has
shown here not only one of the most faithful portraits of Columbus and his
crooked log-book, but the punishment which he should have received.
The man on the left is Columbus; History is concealed just around the
corner in a loose wrapper.
Spain at this time regarded the new land as a vast jewelry store in charge of
simple children of the forest who did not know the value of their rich
agricultural lands or gold-ribbed farms. Spain, therefore, expected to
exchange bone collar-buttons with the children of the forest for opals as
large as lima beans, and to trade fiery liquids to them for large gold bricks.
The Montezumas were compelled every little while to pay a freight-bill for
the Spanish confidence man.
Ponce de Leon had started out in search of the Hot Springs of Arkansas, and
in 1512 came in sight of Florida. He was not successful in his attempt to
find the Fountain of Youth, and returned an old man so deaf that in the
language of the Hoosier poet referring to his grandfather,—
"So remarkably deaf was my grandfather Squeers
That he had to wear lightning-rods over his ears

To even hear thunder, and oftentimes then
He was forced to request it to thunder again."
Balboa crossed the Isthmus of Darien, and, rolling up his pantalettes, waded
into the Pacific Ocean and discovered it in the name of Spain. It was one of
the largest and wettest discoveries ever made, and, though this occurred
over three centuries ago, Spain is still poor.
Balboa, in discovering the Pacific, did so according to the Spanish custom
of discovery, viz., by wading into it with his naked sword in one hand and
the banner of Castile, sometimes called Castile's hope (see Appendix), in
the other. He and his followers waded out so as to discover all they could,
and were surprised to discover what is now called the undertow.

BALBOA DRYING HIS CLOTHES.

The artist has shown the great discoverer most truthfully as he appeared
after he had discovered and filed on the ocean. No one can look upon this
picture for a moment and confuse Balboa, the discoverer of the Pacific,
with Kope Elias, who first discovered in the mountains of North Carolina
what is now known as moonshine whiskey.
De Narvaez in 1528 undertook to conquer Florida with three hundred
hands. He also pulled considerable grass in his search for gold. Finally he

got to the gulf and was wrecked. They were all related mostly to Narvaez,
and for two weeks they lived on their relatives, but later struck shore—four
of them—and lived more on a vegetable diet after that till they struck the
Pacific Ocean, which now belonged to Spain.
De Soto also undertook the conquest of Florida after this, and took six
hundred men with him for the purpose. They wandered through the Gulf
States to the Mississippi, enduring much, and often forced to occupy the
same room at night. De Soto in 1541 discovered the Mississippi River, thus
adding to the moisture collection of Spain.
After trying to mortgage his discovery to Eastern capitalists, he died, and
was buried in the quiet bosom of the Great Father of waters.
Thus once more the list of fatalities was added to and the hunger for gold
was made to contribute a discovery.
Menendez later on founded in 1565 the colony of St. Augustine, the oldest
town in the United States. There are other towns that look older, but it is on
account of dissipation. New York looks older, but it is because she always
sat up later of nights than St. Augustine did.
Cortez was one of the coarsest men who visited this country. He did not
marry any wealthy American girls, for there were none, but he did
everything else that was wrong, and his unpaid laundry-bills are still found
all over the Spanish-speaking countries. He was especially lawless and
cruel to the Peruvians: "recognizing the Peruvian at once by his bark," he
would treat him with great indignity, instead of using other things which he
had with him. Cortez had a way of capturing the most popular man in a city,
and then he would call on the tax-payers to redeem him on the instalment
plan. Most everybody hated Cortez, and when he held religious services the
neighbors did not attend. The religious efforts made by Cortez were not
successful. He killed a great many people, but converted but few.
The historian desires at this time to speak briefly of the methods of Cortez
from a commercial stand-point.
Will the reader be good enough to cast his eye on the Cortez securities as
shown in the picture drawn from memory by an artist yet a perfect
gentleman?

BANK OF CORTEZ.

Notice the bonds Nos. 18 and 27. Do you notice the listening attitude of No.
18? He is listening to the accumulating interest. Note the aged and haggard
look of No. 27. He has just begun to notice that he is maturing.
Cast your eye on the prone form of No. 31. He has just fallen due, and in
doing so has hurt his crazy-bone (see Appendix).
Be good enough to study the gold-bearing bond behind the screen. See the
look of anguish. Some one has cut off a coupon probably. Cortez was that
kind of a man. He would clip the ear of an Inca and make him scream with
pain, so that his friends would come in and redeem him. Once the bank
examiner came to examine the Cortez bank. He imparted a pleasing flavor
on the following day to the soup.

Spain owned at the close of the sixteenth century the West Indies, Yucatan,
Mexico, and Florida, besides unlimited water facilities and the Peruvian
preserves.
North Carolina was discovered by the French navigator Verrazani, thirty
years later than Cabot did, but as Cabot did not record his claim at the
court-house in Wilmington the Frenchman jumped the claim in 1524, and
the property remained about the same till again discovered by George W.
Vanderbilt in the latter part of the present century.
Montreal was discovered in 1535 by Cartier, also a Frenchman.
Ribaut discovered South Carolina, and left thirty men to hold it. They were
at that time the only white men from-Mexico to the North Pole, and a keen
business man could have bought the whole thing, Indians and all, for a good
team and a jug of nepenthe. But why repine?

CONVERTING INDIANS.

The Jesuit missionaries about the middle of the seventeenth century pushed
their way to the North Mississippi and sought to convert the Indians. The
Jesuits deserve great credit for their patience, endurance, and industry, but
they were shocked to find the Indian averse to work. They also advanced
slowly in church work, and would often avoid early mass that they might
catch a mess of trout or violate the game law by killing a Dakotah in May.

Father Marquette discovered the Upper Mississippi not far from a large
piece of suburban property owned by the author, north of Minneapolis. The
ground has not been disturbed since discovered by Father Marquette.
The English also discovered America
from time to time, the Cabots finding
Labrador while endeavoring to go to
Asia via the North, and Frobisher
discovered Baffin Bay in 1576 while
on a like mission. The Spanish
discovered the water mostly, and
England the ice belonging to North
America.
Sir Francis Drake also discovered the
Pacific Ocean, and afterward sailed an
English ship on its waters, discovering
Oregon.
COULD NOT REACH THEM.
Sir Walter Raleigh, with the
endorsement of his half-brother, Sir Humphrey Gilbert, regarding the idea
of colonization of America, and being a great friend of Queen Elizabeth, got
out a patent on Virginia.
He planted a colony and a patch of tobacco on Roanoke Island, but the
colonists did not care for agriculture, preferring to hunt for gold and pearls.
In this way they soon ran out of food, and were constantly harassed by
Indians.
It was an odd sight to witness a colonist coming home after a long hard day
hunting for pearls as he asked his wife if she would be good enough to pull
an arrow out of some place which he could not reach himself.
Raleigh spent two hundred thousand dollars in his efforts to colonize
Virginia, and then, disgusted, divided up his patent and sold county rights to
it at a pound apiece. This was in 1589. Raleigh learned the use of smoking
tobacco at this time.

RALEIGH'S ASTONISHMENT.

He was astonished when he tried it first, and threatened to change his
boarding-place or take his meals out, but soon enjoyed it, and before he had
been home a week Queen Elizabeth thought it to be an excellent thing for
her house plants. It is now extensively used in the best narcotic circles.

RALEIGH'S ENJOYMENT.

Several other efforts were made by the English to establish colonies in this
country, but the Indians thought that these English people bathed too much,
and invited perspiration between baths.
One can see readily that the Englishman with his portable bath-tub has been
a flag of defiance from the earliest discoveries till this day.
This chapter brings us to the time when settlements were made as follows:

The French at Port Royal,
1605.
N.S.,
The English at Jamestown 1607.
The French at Quebec 1608.
The Dutch at New York 1613.
The English at Plymouth 1620.

The author's thanks are due to the following books of reference,
which, added to his retentive memory, have made the foregoing
statements accurate yet pleasing:
A Summer in England with H. W. Beecher. By J. B. Reed.
Russell's Digest of the Laws of Minnesota, with Price-List of
Members.
Out-Door and Bug Life in America. By Chilblainy, Chief of the
Umatilla.
Why I am an Indian. By S. Bull. With Notes by Ole Bull and
Introduction by John Bull.

BONA FIDE PICTURE OF THE MAYFLOWER.

CHAPTER III.
THE THIRTEEN ORIGINAL COLONIES.

This chapter is given up almost wholly to
facts. It deals largely with the beginning of
the thirteen original colonies from which
sprang the Republic, the operation of which
now gives so many thousands of men in-door
employment four years at a time, thus
relieving the penitentiaries and throwing
more kindergarten statesmen to the front.
It was during this epoch that the Cavaliers
landed in Virginia and the Puritans in
Massachusetts; the latter lived on maple
sugar and armed prayer, while the former
saluted his cow, and, with bared head, milked
her with his hat in one hand and his life in
the other.
SAMPLE PURITAN.
Immigration now began to increase along the
coast. The Mayflower began to bring over
vast quantities of antique furniture, mostly hall-clocks for future sales.
Hanging them on spars and masts during rough weather easily accounts for
the fact that none of them have ever been known to go.
The Puritans now began to barter with the Indians, swapping square black
bottles of liquid hell for farms in Massachusetts and additions to log towns.
Dried apples and schools began to make their appearance. The low
retreating forehead of the codfish began to be seen at the stores, and virtue
began to break out among the Indians after death.
Virginia, however, deserves mention here on the start. This colony was
poorly prepared to tote wood and sleep out-of-doors, as the people were all
gents by birth. They had no families, but came to Virginia to obtain fortunes

and return to the city of New York in September. The climate was
unhealthy, and before the first autumn, says Sir William Kronk, from whom
I quote, "ye greater numberr of them hade perished of a great Miserrie in
the Side and for lacke of Food, for at thatte time the Crosse betweene the
wilde hyena and the common hogge of the Holy Lande, and since called the
Razor Backe Hogge, had not been made, and so many of the courtiers
dyede."

John Smith saved the colony. He was one of the best Smiths that ever came
to this country, which is as large an encomium as a man cares to travel with.
He would have saved the life of Pocahontas, an Indian girl who also
belonged to the gentry of their tribe, but she saw at once that it would be a
point for her to save him, so after a month's rehearsal with her father as
villain, with Smith's part taken by a chunk of blue-gum wood, they
succeeded in getting this little curtain-raiser to perfection.
Pocahontas was afterwards married, if the author's memory does not fail
him, to John Rolfe. Pocahontas was not beautiful, but many good people
sprang from her. She never touched them. Her husband sprang from her
also just in time. The way she jumped from a clay-eating crowd into the
bosom of the English aristocracy by this dramatic ruse was worthy of a
greater recognition than merely to figure among the makers of smoking-

tobacco with fancy wrappers, when she never had a fancy wrapper in her
life.
Smith was captured once by the Indians, and, instead of telling them that he
was by birth a gent, he gave them a course of lectures on the use of the
compass and how to learn where one is at. Thus one after another the
Indians went away. I often wonder why the lecture is not used more as a
means of escape from hostile people.
By writing a
letter and getting
a reply to it, he
made another hit.
He now became a
great man among
the Indians; and
to kill a dog and
fail to invite
Smith to the
symposium was
considered as
vulgar as it is THE REHEARSAL.

now to rest the
arctic overshoe on the corner of the dining-table while buckling or
unbuckling it.
Afterward Smith fell into the hands of Powhatan, the Croker of his time,
and narrowly saved his life, as we have seen, through the intervention of
Pocahontas.
Smith was now required in England to preside at a dinner given by the
Savage Club, and to tell a few stories of life in the Far West.
While he was gone the settlement became a prey to disease and famine.
Some were killed by the Indians while returning from their club at evening;
some became pirates.
The colony decreased from four hundred and ninety to sixty people, and at
last it was moved and seconded that they do now adjourn. They started

away from Jamestown without a tear, or hardly anything else, having
experienced a very dull time there, funerals being the only relaxation
whatever.
But moving down the bay they met Lord Delaware, the new Governor, with
a lot of Christmas-presents and groceries. Jamestown was once more saved,
though property still continued low. The company, by the terms of its new
charter, became a self-governing institution, and London was only too
tickled to get out of the responsibility. It is said that the only genuine humor
up to that time heard in London was spent on the jays of Jamestown and the
Virginia colony.
Where is that laughter now? Where are the gibes and bon-mots made at that
sad time?
They are gone.
All over that little republic, so begun in sorrow and travail, there came in
after-years the dimples and the smiles of the prosperous child who would
one day rise in the lap of the mother-country, and, asserting its rights by
means of Patrick O'Fallen Henry and others, place a large and disagreeable
fire-cracker under the nose of royalty, that, busting the awful stillness,
should jar the empires of earth, and blow the unblown noses of future kings
and princes. (This is taken bodily from a speech made by me July 4, 1777,
when I was young.—The Author.)
Pocahontas was married in 1613. She was baptized the day before.
Whoever thought of that was a bright and thoughtful thinker. She stood the
wear and tear of civilization for three years, and then died, leaving an infant
son, who has since grown up.
The colony now prospered. All freemen had the right to vote. Religious
toleration was enjoyed first-rate, and, there being no negro slavery, Virginia
bade fair to be the republic of the continent. But in 1619 the captain of a
Dutch trading-vessel sold to the colonists twenty negroes. The negroes were
mostly married people, and in some instances children were born to them.
This peculiarity still shows itself among the negroes, and now all over the
South one hardly crosses a county without seeing a negro or a person with
negro blood in his or her veins.

NEGROES STILL HAVE FAMILIES.

After the death of Powhatan, the friend of the English, an organized attempt
was made by the Indians to exterminate the white people and charge more
for water frontage the next time any colonists came.
March 22, 1622, was the day set, and many of the Indians were eating at the
tables of those they had sworn to kill. It was a solemn moment. The surprise
was to take place between the cold beans and the chili sauce.
But a converted Indian told quite a number, and as the cold beans were
passed, the effect of some arsenic that had been eaten with the slim-neck
clams began to be seen, and before the beans had gone half-way round the
board the children of the forest were seen to excuse themselves, and thus
avoid dying in the house.
Yet there were over three hundred and fifty white people massacred, and
there followed another, reducing the colonists from four thousand to two
thousand five hundred, then a massacre of five hundred, and so on, a
sickening record of death and horror, even worse, before a great nation

could get a foothold in this wild and
savage land; even a toe-hold, as I may
say, in the sands of time.
July 30, 1619, the first sprout of
Freedom poked its head from the soil of
Jamestown when Governor Yeardley
stated that the colony "should have a
handle in governing itself." He then
called at Jamestown the first legislative
body ever assembled in America; most
of the members whereof boarded at the
Planters' House during the session. (For
sample of legislator see picture.) This
body could pass laws, but they must be
ratified by the company in England. The
orders from London were not binding PREPARING THE FEAST.
unless ratified by this Colonial
Assembly.
This was a mutual arrangement reminding one of the fearful yet mutual
apprehension spoken of by the poet when he says,—
"Jim Darling didn't know but his father was dead,
And his father didn't know but Jim Darling was dead."
The colony now began to prosper; men held their lands in severalty, and
taxes were low. The railroad had not then brought in new styles in clothing
and made people unhappy by creating jealousy.
Settlements joined each other along the James for one hundred and forty
miles, and the colonists first demonstrated how easily they could get along
without the New York papers.
Tobacco began to be a very valuable crop, and at one time even the streets
were used for its cultivation. Tobacco now proceeded to become a curse to
the civilized world.
In 1624, King James, fearing that the infant colony would go Democratic,
appointed a rump governor.

The oppression of the English parliament now
began to be felt. The colonists were obliged to
ship their products to England and to use only
English vessels. The Assembly, largely
royalists, refused to go out when their terms of
office expired, paid themselves at the rate of
about thirty-six dollars per day as money is
now, and, in fact, acted like members of the
Legislature generally.
In 1676, one hundred years before the
Colonies declared themselves free and
independent, a rebellion, under the
management of a bright young attorney named
Bacon, visited Jamestown and burned the
American metropolis, after which Governor
Berkeley was driven out. Bacon died just as his JAMESTOWN LEGISLATOR.
rebellion was beginning to pay, and the people
dispersed. Berkeley then took control, and killed so many rebels that Mrs.
Berkeley had to do her own work, and Berkeley, who had no one left to
help him but his friends, had to stack his own grain that fall and do the
chores at the barn.
Jamestown is now no more. It was succeeded in 1885 by Jamestown, North
Dakota, now called Jimtown, a prosperous place in the rich farming-lands
of that State.
Jamestown the first, the scene of so many sorrows and little jealousies, so
many midnight Indian attacks and bilious attacks by day, became a solemn
ruin, and a few shattered tombstones, over which the jimson-weed and the
wild vines clamber, show to the curious traveller the place where
civilization first sought to establish itself on the James River, U.S.A.

The author wishes to refer with great gratitude to information
contained in the foregoing chapter and obtained from the

following works:
The Indian and other Animalcula. By N. K. Boswell, Laramie
City, Wyoming.
How to Jolly the Red Man out of his Lands. By Ernest Smith.
The Female Red Man and her Pure Life. By Johnson Sides,
Reno, Nevada (P.M. please forward if out on war-path).
The Crow Indian and His Caws. By Me.
Massacre Etiquette. By Wad. McSwalloper, 82 McDougall St.,
New York.
Where is my Indian to night? By a half-bred lady of Winnipeg.

CHAPTER IV.
THE PLYMOUTH COLONY.

In the fall of 1620 the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth
during a disagreeable storm, and, noting the excellent
opportunity for future misery, began to erect a
number of rude cabins. This party consisted of one
hundred and two people of a resolute character who
wished to worship God in a more extemporaneous
manner than had been the custom in the Church of
England.
They found
that the
Indians of
Cape Cod
were not
ritualistic, and
that they were
willing to
dispose of
inside lots at Plymouth on
reasonable terms, retaining,
however, the right to use the lands SABBATH-BREAKER ARRESTER.
for massacre purposes from time to
time.
The Pilgrims were honest, and gave the Indians something for their land in
almost every instance, but they put a price upon it which has made the
Indian ever since a comparatively poor man.
Half of this devoted band died before spring, and yet the idea of returning to
England did not occur to them. "No," they exclaimed, "we will not go back

to London until we can go first-class, if we have to stay here two hundred
years."
During the winter they discovered why the lands had been sold to them so
low. The Indians of one tribe had died there of a pestilence the year before,
and so when the Pilgrims began to talk trade they did not haggle over
prices.
In the early spring, however, they
were surprised to hear the word
"Welcome" proceeding from the
door-mat of Samoset, an Indian
whose chief was named Massasoit.
A treaty was then made for fifty
years, Massasoit taking "the same."
Canonicus once sent to Governor
Bradford a bundle of arrows tied up
in a rattlesnake's skin. The Governor
PURITAN SNORE ARRESTER. put them away in the pantry with his
other curios, and sent Canonicus a
few bright new bullets and a little dose of powder. That closed the
correspondence. In those days there were no newspapers, and most of the
fighting was done without a guarantee or side bets.
Money-matters; however, were rather panicky at the time, and the people
were kept busy digging clams to sustain life in order to raise Indian corn
enough to give them sufficient strength to pull clams enough the following
winter to get them through till the next corn crop should give them strength
to dig for clams again. Thus a trip to London and the Isle of Wight looked
farther and farther away.
After four years they numbered only one hundred and eighty-four, counting
immigration and all. The colony only needed, however, more people and
Eastern capital.

METHODS OF PUNISHMENT.

It would be well to pause here and remember the annoyances connected
with life as a forefather. Possibly the reader has considered the matter
already. Imagine how nervous one may be waiting in the hall and watching
with a keen glance for the approach of the physician who is to announce
that one is a forefather. The amateur forefather of 1620 must have felt proud
yet anxious about the clam-yield also, as each new mouth opened on the
prospect.
Speaking of clams, it
is said by some of the
forefathers that the
Cape Cod menu did
not go beyond codfish
croquettes until the
beginning of the
seventeenth century,
when pie was added
by act of legislature.
Clams are not so
restless if eaten without the brisket, which is said to lie hard on the stomach.

[2]

Salem and Charlestown were started by Governor Endicott, and Boston was
founded in 1630. To these various towns the Puritans flocked, and even now
one may be seen in ghostly garments on Thanksgiving Eve flitting here and
there turning off the gas in the parlor while the family are at tea, in order to
cut down expenses.
Plymouth and Massachusetts Bay Colonies were united in 1692.
Roger Williams, a bright young divine, was the first to interfere with the
belief that magistrates had the right to punish Sabbath-breakers,
blasphemers, etc. He also was the first to utter the idea that a man's own
conscience must be his own guide and not that of another.

Among the Puritans there were several who had enlarged consciences, and
who desired to take in extra work for others who had no consciences and
were busy in the fields. They were always ready to give sixteen ounces to
the pound, and were honest, but they got very little rest on Sunday, because
they had to watch the Sabbath-breaker all the time.
The method of punishment for some offences is given here.
Does the man look cheerful? No. No one looks cheerful. Even the little
boys look sad. It is said that the Puritans knocked what fun there was out of
the Indian. Did any one ever see an Indian smile since the landing of the
Pilgrims?

Roger Williams was too liberal to be
kindly received by the clergy, and so he
was driven out of the settlement. Finding
that the Indians were less rigid and kept
open on Sundays, he took refuge among
them (1636), and before spring had
gained eighteen pounds and converted
Canonicus, one of the hardest cases in
New England and the first man to sit up
till after ten o'clock at night. Canonicus
gave Roger the tract of land on which
Providence now stands.
Mrs. Anne Hutchinson gave the Pilgrims
trouble also. Having claimed some
special revelations and attempted to make
a few remarks regarding them, she was
banished.
Banishment, which meant a homeless life
in a wild land, with no one but the
Indians to associate with, in those days,
was especially annoying to a good
Christian woman, and yet it had its good
points. It offered a little religious
freedom, which could not be had among
those who wanted it so much that they
braved the billow and the wild beast, the
savage, the drouth, the flood, and the
potato-bug, to obtain it before anybody else got a chance at it. Freedom is a
good thing.
Twenty years later the Quakers shocked every one by thinking a few
religious thoughts on their own hooks. The colonists executed four of them,
and before that tortured them at a great rate.
During dull times and on rainy days it was a question among the Puritans
whether they would banish an old lady, bore holes with a red-hot iron

through a Quaker's tongue, or pitch horse-shoes.
In 1643 the "United Colonies of New England" was the name of a league
formed by the people for protection against the Indians.
King Philip's war followed.
Massasoit was during his lifetime a friend to the poor whites of Plymouth,
as Powhatan had been of those at Jamestown, but these two great chiefs
were succeeded by a low set of Indians, who showed as little refinement as
one could well imagine.
Some of the sufferings of the Pilgrims at the time are depicted on the
preceding pages by the artist, also a few they escaped.
Looking over the lives of our forefathers who came from England, I am not
surprised that, with all the English people who have recently come to this
country, I have never seen a forefather.

CHAPTER V.
DRAWBACKS OF BEING A COLONIST.

It was at this period in the history of our country that the colonists found
themselves not only banished from all civilization, but compelled to fight
an armed foe whose trade was war and whose music was the dying wail of a
tortured enemy. Unhampered by the exhausting efforts of industry, the
Indian, trained by centuries of war upon adjoining tribes, felt himself foot-
loose and free to shoot the unprotected forefather from behind the very
stump fence his victim had worked so hard to erect.
King Philip, a demonetized sovereign, organized his red troops, and,
carrying no haversacks, knapsacks, or artillery, fell upon the colonists and
killed them, only to reappear at some remote point while the dead and
wounded who fell at the first point were being buried or cared for by rude
physicians.
What an era in the history of a country! Gentlewomen whose homes had
been in the peaceful hamlets of England lived and died in the face of a cruel
foe, yet prepared the cloth and clothing for their families, fed them, and
taught them to look to God in all times of trouble, to be prayerful in their
daily lives, yet vigilant and ready to deal death to the general enemy. They
were the mothers whose sons and grandsons laid the huge foundations of a
great nation and cemented them with their blood.
At this time there was a line of battle three hundred miles in length. On one
side the white man went armed to the field or the prayer-meeting, shooting
an Indian on sight as he would a panther; on the other, a foe whose wife did
the chores and hoed the scattering crops while he made war and
extermination his joy by night and his prayer and life-long purpose by day.
Finally, however, the victory came sluggishly to the brave and deserving.
One thousand Indians were killed at one pop, and their wigwams were
burned. All their furniture and curios were burned in their wigwams, and
some of their valuable dogs were holocausted. King Philip was shot by a

follower as he was looking under the
throne for something, and peace was
for the time declared.
About
1684
the
Colony
of
Massac
husetts,
which
PRAYERFUL YET VIGILANT.
had
dared
to open
up a trade with the West Indies, using its own
vessels for that purpose, was hauled over the
coals by the mother-country for violation of
the Navigation Act, and an officer sent over to
enforce the latter. The colonists defied him,
and when he was speaking to them publicly in AN OVATION IN THE WAY OF
EGGS AND CODFISH.
a tone of reprimand, he got an ovation in the
way of eggs and codfish, both of which had
been set aside for that purpose when the country was new, and therefore had
an air of antiquity which cannot be successfully imitated.
As a result, the Colony was made a royal appendage, and Sir Edmund
Andros, a political hack under James II., was made Governor of New
England. He reigned under great difficulties for three years, and then
suddenly found himself in jail. The jail was so arranged that he could not
get out, and so the Puritans now quietly resumed their old form of
government.
This continued also for three years, when Sir William Phipps became
Governor under the crown, with one hundred and twenty pounds per annum
and house-rent.

From this on to the Revolution, Massachusetts, Maine, and Nova Scotia
became a royal province. Nova Scotia is that way yet, and has to go to
Boston for her groceries.
The year 1692 is noted mostly for the Salem excitement regarding
witchcraft. The children of Rev. Mr. Parris were attacked with some
peculiar disease which would not yield to the soothing blisters and
bleedings administered by the physicians of the old school, and so, not
knowing exactly what to do about it, the doctors concluded that they were
bewitched. Then it was, of course, the duty of the courts and selectmen to
hunt up the witches. This was naturally difficult.

OPENING OF THE WITCH-HUNTING SEASON.

Fifty-five persons were tortured and twenty were hanged for being witches;
which proves that the people of Salem were fully abreast of the Indians in
intelligence, and that their gospel privileges had not given their charity and
Christian love such a boom as they should have done.
One can hardly be found now, even in Salem, who believes in witchcraft;
though the Cape Cod people, it is said, still spit on their bait. The belief in
witchcraft in those days was not confined by any means to the colonists. Sir
Matthew Hale of England, one of the most enlightened judges of the
mother-country, condemned a number of people for the offence, and is now

engaged in doing road-work on the streets of the New Jerusalem as a
punishment for these acts done while on the woolsack.
Blackstone himself, one of the dullest authors ever read by the writer of
these lines, yet a skilled jurist, with a marvellous memory regarding
Justinian, said that, to deny witchcraft was to deny revelation.
"Be you a witch?" asked one of the judges of Massachusetts, according to
the records now on file in the State-House at Boston.
"No, your honor," was the reply.
"Officer," said the court, taking a pinch of snuff, "take her out on the tennis-
grounds and pull out her toe-nails with a pair of hot pincers, and then see
what she says."
It was quite common to examine lady witches
in the regular court and then adjourn to the
tennis-court. A great many were ducked by
order of the court and hanged up by the
thumbs, in obedience to the customs of these
people who came to America because they
were persecuted.
Human
nature is the
same even to
this day. The
writer grew
up with an
Irishman
who believed
IRISHMAN WHO, WHEN RICH, that when a
WAS PROUD AND HAUGHTY. man got
wealthy IRISHMAN WHO, WHEN POOR,
enough to keep a carriage and coachman WAS DOWN ON RICH PEOPLE.
he ought to be assassinated and all his
goods given to the poor. He now hires a coachman himself, having
succeeded in New York city as a policeman; but the man who comes to

assassinate him will find it almost impossible to obtain an audience with
him.
If you wish to educate a man to be a successful oppressor, with a genius for
introducing new horrors and novelties in pain, oppress him early in life and
don't give him any reason for doing so. The idea that "God is love" was not
popular in those days. The early settlers were so stern even with their own
children that if the Indian had not given the forefather something to attract
his attention, the boy crop would have been very light.
Even now the philosopher is led to ask, regarding the boasted freedom of
America, why some measures are not taken to put large fly-screens over it.

CHAPTER VI.
THE EPISODE OF THE CHARTER OAK.

The Colonies of Maine and New Hampshire were so closely associated with
that of Massachusetts that their history up to 1820 was practically the same.
Shortly after the landing of the Pilgrims, say two years or thereabouts,
Gorges and Mason obtained from England the grant of a large tract lying
between the Merrimac and Kennebec Rivers. This patent was afterwards
dissolved, Mason taking what is now New Hampshire, and Gorges taking
Maine. He afterwards sold the State to Massachusetts for six thousand
dollars. The growth of the State may be noticed since that time, for one
county cost more than that last November.
In 1820 Maine was separated from Massachusetts. Maine is noted for being
the easternmost State in the Union, and has been utilized by a number of
eminent men as a birthplace. White-birch spools for thread, Christmas-trees,
and tamarack and spruce-gum are found in great abundance. It is the home
of an industrious and peace-loving people. Bar Harbor is a cool place to go
to in summer-time and violate the liquor law of the State.

SEDUCTIONS OF BAR HARBOR.

The Dutch were first to claim Connecticut. They built a trading-post at
Hartford, where they swapped bone collar-buttons with the Indians for
beaver-and otter-skins. Traders from Plymouth who went up the river were
threatened by the Dutch, but they pressed on and established a post at
Windsor.
In 1635, John Steele led a company "out west" to Hartford, and Thomas
Hooker, a clergyman, followed with his congregation, driving their stock
before them. Hartford thus had quite a boom quite early in the seventeenth
century. The Dutch were driven out of the Connecticut Valley, and began to
look towards New York.

Soon after this the Pequod War broke
out. These Indians had hoped to form an
alliance with the Narragansetts, but
Roger Williams prevented this by
seeing the Narragansett chief personally.
Thus the Puritans had coals of fire
heaped on their heads by their gentle
pastor, until the odor of burning hair
could be detected as far away as New
Haven.
The Pequods were thus compelled to
PEQUOD INDIAN ON THE WAR-PATH. fight alone, and Captain Mason by a
coup d'état surrounded their camp
before daylight and entered the palisades with the Indian picket, who cried
out "Owanux! Owanux!" meaning "Englishmen. Englishmen." Mason and
his men killed these Pequods and burned their lodges to the ground. There
has never been a prosperous Pequod lodge since. Those who escaped to the
forest were shot down like jack-rabbits as they fled, and there has been no
Pequoding done since that time.
The New Haven Colony was founded in 1638 by wealthy church members
from abroad. They took the Bible as their standard and statute. They had no
other law. Only church members could vote, which was different from the
arrangements in New York City in after-years.
The Connecticut Colony had a regular constitution, said to have been the
first written constitution ever adopted by the people, framed for the people
by the people. It was at once prosperous, and soon bought out the Saybrook
Colony.
In 1662 a royal charter was obtained which united the two above colonies
and guaranteed to the people the rights agreed upon by them. It amounted to
a duly-authenticated independence. A quarter of a century afterwards
Governor Andros, in his other clothes and a reigning coat of red and gold
trimmings, marched into the Assembly and demanded this precious charter.
A long debate ensued, and, according to tradition, while the members of the
Assembly stood around the table taking a farewell look at the charter, one

of the largest members of the house fell
on the governor's breast and wept so
copiously on his shirt-frill that harsh
words were used by his Excellency; a
general quarrel ensued, the lights went
out, and when they were relighted the
charter was gone.
Captain Wadsworth had taken it and
concealed it in a hollow tree, since
called the Charter Oak. After Andros
was ejected from the Boston office, the
charter was brought out again, and
business under it was resumed.
Important documents, however, should
not be, as a general thing, secreted in
GOVERNOR ANDROS.
trees. The author once tried this while
young, and when engaged to, or hoping
to become engaged to, a dear one whose pa was a singularly coarse man
and who hated a young man who came as a lover at his daughter's feet with
nothing but a good education and his great big manly heart. He wanted a
son-in-law with a brewery; and so he bribed the boys of the neighborhood
to break up a secret correspondence between the two young people and
bring the mail to him. This was the cause of many a heart-ache, and finally
the marriage of the sweet young lady to a brewer who was mortgaged so
deeply that he wandered off somewhere and never returned. Years
afterwards the brewery needed repairs, and one of the large vats was found
to contain all of the missing man that would not assimilate with the beer,—
viz., his watch. Quite a number of people at that time quit the use of beer,
and the author gave his hand in marriage to a wealthy young lady who was
attracted by his gallantry and fresh young beauty.

NYE'S CHARTER OAK.

Roger Williams now settled at Providence Plantation, where he was joined
by Mrs. Hutchinson, who also believed that the church and state should not
be united, but that the state should protect the church and that neither
should undertake to boss the other. It was also held that religious
qualifications should not be required of political aspirants, also that no man
should be required to whittle his soul into a shape to fit the religious auger-
hole of another.
This was the beginning of Rhode Island. She desired at once to join the
New England Colony, but was refused, as she had no charter. Plymouth
claimed also to have jurisdiction over Rhode Island. This was very much
like Plymouth.
Having banished Roger Williams and Mrs. Hutchinson to be skinned by the
Pequods and Narragansetts over at Narragansett Pier, they went on about
their business, flogging Quakers, also ducking old women who had

lumbago, and burning other women who would not answer affirmatively
when asked, "Be you a witch?"
Then when Roger began to make improvements and draw the attention of
Eastern capital to Rhode Island and to organize a State or Colony with a
charter, Plymouth said, "Hold on, Roger: religiously we have cast you out,
to live on wild strawberries, clams, and Indians, but from a mercantile and
political point of view you will please notice that we have a string which
you will notice is attached to your wages and discoveries."

DUCKING OLD WOMEN.

Afterwards, however, Roger Williams obtained the necessary funds from
admiring friends with which to go to England and obtain a charter which
united the Colonies yet gave to all the first official right to liberty of
conscience ever granted in Europe or America. Prior to that a man's
conscience had a brass collar on it with the royal arms engraved thereon,
and was kept picketed out in the king's grounds. The owner could go and
look at it on Sundays, but he never had the use of it.
With the advent of freedom of political opinion, the individual use of the
conscience has become popularized, and the time is coming when it will
grow to a great size under our wise institutions and fostering skies. Instead
of turning over our consciences to the safety deposit company of a great
political party or religious organization and taking the key in our pocket, let
us have individual charge of this useful little instrument and be able finally
to answer for its growth or decay.

The author wishes to extend his thanks for the use of books of
reference used in the collection of the foregoing facts; among
them, "How to Pay Expenses though Single," by a Social Leper,
"How to Keep Well," by Methuselah, "Humor of Early Days,"
by Job, "Dangers of the Deep," by Noah, "General Peacefulness
and Repose of the Dead Indian," by General Nelson A. Miles,
"Gulliver's Travels," and "Life and Public Services of the James
Boys."

NYE IN HIS FAMILY GALLERY.

CHAPTER VII.
THE DISCOVERY OF NEW YORK.

The author will now refer to the discovery of the Hudson River and the
town of New York via Fort Lee and the 125th Street Ferry.
New York was afterwards sold for twenty-four dollars,—the whole island.
When I think of this I go into my family gallery, which I also use as a swear
room, and tell those ancestors of mine what I think of them. Where were
they when New York was sold for twenty-four dollars? Were they having
their portraits painted by Landseer, or their deposition taken by Jeffreys, or
having their Little Lord Fauntleroy clothes made?
Do not encourage them to believe that they will escape me in future years.
Some of them died unregenerate, and are now, I am told, in a country where
they may possibly be damned; and I will attend to the others personally.
Twenty-four dollars for New York! Why, my Croton-water tax on one house
and lot with fifty feet four and one-fourth inches front is fifty-nine dollars
and no questions asked. Why, you can't get a voter for that now.
Henry—or Hendrik—Hudson was an English navigator, of whose birth and
early history nothing is known definitely, hence his name is never
mentioned in many of the best homes in New York.
In 1607 he made a voyage in search of the Northwest Passage. In one of his
voyages he discovered Cape Cod, and later on the Hudson River.
This was one hundred and seventeen years after Columbus discovered
America; which shows that the discovering business was not pushed as it
should have been by those who had it in charge.
Hudson went up the river as far as Albany, but, finding no one there whom
he knew, he hastened back as far as 209th Street West, and anchored.

He discovered Hudson Bay and Hudson Strait, and made other journeys by
water, though aquatting was then in its infancy. Afterwards his sailors
became mutinous, and set Hendrik and his son, with seven infirm sailors,
afloat.
Ah! Whom have we here? (See next page.)
It is Hendrik Hudson, who discovered the Hudson River.
Here he has just landed at the foot of 209th Street, New York, where he
offered the Indians liquor, but they refused.
How 209th Street has changed!
The artist has been fortunate in getting the expression of the Indians in the
act of refusing. Mr. Hudson's great reputation lies in the fact that he
discovered the river which bears his name; but the thinking mind will at
once regard the discovery of an Indian who does not drink as far more
wonderful.

DISCOVERY OF TEMPERANCE INDIANS.

Some historians say that this especial delegation was swept away afterward
by a pestilence, whilst others commenting on the incident maintain that
Hudson lied.
It is the only historical question regarding America not fully settled by this
book.
Nothing more was heard of him till he turned up in a thinking part in "Rip
Van Winkle."

Many claims regarding the discovery of various parts of the United States
had been previously made. The Cabots had discovered Labrador, the
Spaniards the southern part of the United States; the Norsemen had
discovered Minneapolis, and Columbus had discovered San Salvador and
gone home to meet a ninety-day note due in Palos for the use of the Pinta,
which he had hired by the hour.
But we are speaking of the discovery of New York.
About this time a solitary horseman might have been seen at West 209th
Street, clothed in a little brief authority, and looking out to the west as he
petulantly spoke in the Tammany dialect, then in the language of the blank-
verse Indian. He began, "Another day of anxiety has passed, and yet we
have not been discovered! The Great Spirit tells me in the thunder of the
surf and the roaring cataract of the Harlem that within a week we will be
discovered for the first time."
As he stands there aboard of his horse, one sees that he is a chief in every
respect and in life's great drama would naturally occupy the middle of the
stage. It was at this moment that Hudson slipped down the river from
Albany past Fort Lee, and, dropping a nickel in the slot at 125th Street,
weighed his anchor at that place. As soon as he had landed and discovered
the city, he was approached by the chief, who said, "We gates. I am one of
the committee to show you our little town. I suppose you have a power of
attorney, of course, for discovering us?"
"Yes," said Hudson. "As Columbus used to say when he discovered San
Salvador, 'I do it by the right vested in me by my sovereigns.' 'That
oversizes my pile by a sovereign and a half,' says one of the natives; and so,
if you have not heard it, there is a good thing for one of your dinner-
speeches here."
"Very good," said the chief, as they jogged down-town on a swift Sixth
Avenue elevated train towards the wigwams on 14th Street, and going at the
rate of four miles an hour. "We do not care especially who discovers us, so
long as we hold control of the city organization. How about that, Hank?"
"That will be satisfactory," said Mr. Hudson, taking a package of imported
cheese and eating it, so that they could have the car to themselves.

"We will take the departments, such as Police, Street-Cleaning, etc., etc.,
etc., while you and Columbus get your pictures on the currency and have
your graves mussed up on anniversaries. We get the two-moment horses
and the country châteaux on the Bronx. Sabe?"
"That is, you do not care whose portrait is on the currency," said Hudson,
"so you get the currency."
Said the man, "That is the sense of the meeting."
Thus was New York discovered via Albany and Fort Lee, and five minutes
after the two touched glasses, the brim of the schoppin and the Manhattan
cocktail tinkled together, and New York was inaugurated.
Obtaining a gentle and philanthropical gentleman who knew too well the
city by gas-light, they saw the town so thoroughly that nearly every
building in the morning wore a bright red sign which read—

Beware of Paint.
Regarding the question as to who has the right to claim the priority of
discovery of New York, I unite with one of the ablest historians now living
in stating that I do not know.
Here and there throughout the work of all great historians who are frank and
honest, chapter after chapter of information like this will burst forth upon
the eye of the surprised and delighted reader.
Society at the time of the discovery of the blank-verse Indian of America
was crude. Hudson's arrival, of course, among older citizens soon called out
those who desired his acquaintance, but he noticed that club life was not
what it has since become, especially Indian club life.
He found a nation whose regular job was war and whose religion was the
ever-present prayer that they might eat the heart of their enemy plain.

The Indian High School and Young
Ladies' Seminary captured by
Columbus, as shown in the pictures
of his arrival at home and his
presentation to the royal pair one
hundred and seventeen years before
this, it is said, brought a royal flush
to the face of King Ferdie, who had
been well brought up.
This can be readily understood when
CLUB LIFE IN EARLY NEW YORK. we remember that the Indian wore at
court a court plaster, a parlor-lamp-
shade in stormy weather, made of lawn grass, or a surcingle of front teeth.
They were shown also in all these paintings as graceful and beautiful in
figure; but in those days when the Pocahontas girls went barefooted till the
age of eighty-nine years, chewed tobacco, kept Lent all winter and then ate
a brace of middle-aged men for Easter, the figure must have been affected
by this irregularity of meals.

THE INDIAN GIRL OF STORY.—THE INDIAN GIRL OF FACT.

Unless the Pocahontas of the present day has fallen off sadly in her carriage
and beauty, to be saved from death by her, as Smith was, and feel that she
therefore had a claim on him, must have given one nervous prostration,
paresis, and insomnia.
The Indian and the white race never really united or amalgamated outside
of Canada. The Indian has always held aloof from us, and even as late as
Sitting Bull's time that noted cavalry officer said to the author that the white
people who simply came over in the Mayflower could not marry into his
family on that ground. He wanted to know why they had to come over in
the Mayflower.

BILL NYE CONVERSING WITH SITTING BULL.

"We were here," said the aged warrior, as he stole a bacon-rind which I used
for lubricating my saw, and ate it thoughtfully, "we were here and helped
Adam 'round up' and brand his animals. We are an old family, and never did
manual labor. We are just as poor and proud and indolent as those who are
of noble blood. We know we are of noble blood because we have to take
sarsaparilla all the time. We claim to come by direct descent from Job, of
whom the inspired writer says,—
"Old Job he was a fine young lad,
Sing Glory hallelujah.
His heart was good, but his blood was bad,
Sing Glory hallelujah."[3]

CHAPTER VIII.
THE DUTCH AT NEW AMSTERDAM.

Soon after the discovery of the Hudson, Dutch ships began to visit that
region, to traffic in furs with the Indians. Some huts were erected by these
traders on Manhattan Island in 1613, and a trading-post was established in
1615. Relics of these times are frequently turned up yet on Broadway while
putting in new pipes, or taking out old pipes, or repairing other pipes, or
laying plans for yet other pipes, or looking in the earth to see that the
original pipes have not been taken away.
Afterwards the West India Company obtained a grant of New Netherland,
and New Amsterdam was fairly started. In 1626, Minuit, the first governor,
arrived, and, as we have stated, purchased the entire city of New York of the
Indians for twenty-four dollars.
Then trouble sprang up between the Dutch and the Swedes on the Delaware
over the possession of Manhattan, and when the two tribes got to
conversing with each other over their rights, using the mother-tongue on
both sides, it reminded one of the Chicago wheat market when business is
good. The English on the Connecticut also saw that Manhattan was going to
boom as soon as the Indians could be got farther west, and that property
would be high there.

STUYVESANT'S VISION.

Peter Stuyvesant was the last Dutch governor of New York. He was a
relative of mine. He disliked the English very much. They annoyed him
with their democratic ideas and made his life a perfect hell to him. He
would be sorry to see the way our folks have since begun to imitate the
English. I can almost see him rising in his grave to note how the
Stuyvesants in full cry pursue the affrighted anise-seed bag, or with their
coaching outfits go tooling along 'cross country, stopping at the inns on the
way and unlimbering their portable bath-tubs to check them with the
"clark."
Pete, you did well to die early. You would not have been happy here now.
While Governor Stuyvesant was in hot water with the English, the Swedes,
and the Indians, a fleet anchored in the harbor and demanded the surrender
of the place in the name of the Duke of York, who wished to use it for a
game preserve. After a hot fight with his council, some of whom were
willing even then to submit to English rule and hoped that the fleet might
have two or three suits of tweed which by mistake were a fit and therefore
useless to the owners, and that they might succeed in swapping furs for
these, the governor yielded, and in 1664 New York became a British
possession, named as above.

The English governors, however, were not popular. They were mostly
political hacks who were pests at home and banished to New York, where
the noise of the streets soon drove them to drink. For nine years this sort of
thing went on, until one day a Dutch fleet anchored near the Staten Island
brewery and in the evening took the town.
However, in the year following, peace was restored between England and
Holland, and New Amsterdam became New York again, also subject to the
Tammany rule.
Andros was governor for a time, but was a sort of pompous tomtit, with a
short breath and a large aquiline opinion of himself. He was one of the
arrogant old pie-plants whose growth was fostered by the beetle-bellied
administration at home. He went back on board the City of Rome one day,
and did not return.
New York had a gleam of hope for civil freedom
under the rule of the Duke of York and the county
Democracy, but when the duke became James II. he
was just like other people who get a raise of salary,
and refused to be privately entertained by the self-
made ancestry of the American.
He was proud and arrogant to a degree. He forbade
legislation, and stopped his paper. New York was at
this time annexed to the New England Colony, and
began keeping the Sabbath so vigorously that the
angels had great difficulty in getting at it.
Nicholson, who was the lieutenant tool of iniquity
DUKE OF YORK.
for Andros, fled with him when democracy got too
hot for them. Captain Leisler, supported by Steve
Brodie and everything south of the Harlem, but bitterly opposed by the
aristocracy, who were distinguished by their ability to use new goods in
making their children's clothes, whereas the democracy had to make vests
for the boys from the cast-off trousers of their fathers, governed the
province until Governor Sloughter arrived.

Sloughter was another imported Smearkase in official life, and arrested
Leisler at the request of an aristocrat who drove a pair of bang-tail horses
up and down Nassau Street on pleasant afternoons and was afterwards
collector of the port. Having arrested Leisler for treason, the governor was a
little timid about executing him, for he had never really killed a man in his
life, and he hated the sight of blood; so Leisler's enemies got the governor
to take dinner with them, and mixed his rum, so that when he got ready to
speak, his remarks were somewhat heterogeneous, and before he went
home he had signed a warrant for Leisler's immediate execution.

GOVERNOR SLOUGHTER'S PAINFUL AWAKENING.

When he awoke in the morning at his beautiful home on Whitehall Street,
the sun was gayly glinting the choppy waves of Buttermilk Channel, and by
his watch, which had run down, he saw that it was one o'clock, but whether
it was one o'clock A.M. or P.M. he did not know, nor whether it was next
Saturday or Tuesday before last. Oh, how he must have felt!
His room was dark, the gas having gone out to get better air. He attempted
to rise, but a chill, a throb, a groan, and back he lay hastily on the bed just
as it was on the point of escaping him. Suddenly a thought came to him. It
was not a great thought, but it was such a thought as comes to those who
have been thoughtless. He called for a blackamoor slave from abroad who

did chores for him, and ordered a bottle of cooking brandy, then some club
soda he had brought from London with him. Next he drank a celery-glass of
it, and after that he felt better. He then drank another.
"Keep out of the way of this bed, Julius," he said. "It is coming around that
way again. Step to one side, Julius, please, and let the bed walk around and
stretch its legs. I never saw a bed spread itself so," he continued, seeming to
enjoy his own Lancashire humor. "All night I seemed to feel a great pain
creeping over me, Julius," he said, hesitatingly, again filling his celery-
glass, "but I see now that it was a counterpane."
Eighty years after that, Sloughter was a corpse.
We should learn from this not to be too hasty in selecting our birthplaces.
Had he been born in America, he might have been alive yet.
From this on the struggles of the
people up to the time of the Revolution
were enough to mortify the reader
almost to death. I will not go over
them again. It was the history of all the
other Colonies; poor, proud, with large
masses of children clustering about,
and Indians lurking in the out-
buildings. The mother-country was
negligent, and even cruel. Her political
offscourings were sent to rule the
people. The cranberry-crops soured on
NYE AS A BOY READING ABOUT KIDD.
the vines, and times were very scarce.
It was during this period that Captain William Kidd, a New York ship-
master and anti-snapper from Mulberry Street, was sent out to overtake and
punish a few of the innumerable pirates who then infested the high seas.
Studying first the character, life, and public services of the immoral pirate,
and being perfectly foot-loose, his wife having eloped with her family
physician, he determined to take a little whirl at the business himself,
hoping thereby to escape the noise and heat of New York and obtain a

livelihood while life lasted which would maintain him the remainder of his
days unless death overtook him.
Dropping off at Boston one day to secure a supply of tobacco, he was
captured while watching the vast number of street-cars on Washington
Street. He was taken to England, where he was tried and ultimately hanged.
His sudden and sickening death did much to discourage an American youth
of great brilliancy who had up to 1868 intended to be a pirate, but who,
stumbling across the "Life and Times of Captain Kidd, and his Awful
Death," changed his whole course and became one of the ablest historians
of the age in which he lived.

CAPTAIN KIDD ARRESTED.

This should teach us to read the papers instead of loaning them to people
who do not subscribe.

Since the above was written, the account of the death of
Governor Andros is flashed across the wires to us. Verbum sap.
Also In hoc signo vinces.
The author wishes to express by this means his grateful
acknowledgments to his friends and the public generally for the
great turn-out and general sympathy bestowed upon his relative,
the late Peter B. Stuyvesant, on the sad occasion of his funeral,
which was said to be one of the best attended and most
successful funerals before the war. Should any of his friends be
caught in the same fix, the author will not only cheerfully turn
out himself, but send all hands from his place that can be spared,
also a six-seated wagon and a side-bar buggy.

CHAPTER IX.
SETTLEMENT OF THE MIDDLE STATES.

The present State of New Jersey
was a part of New Netherland, and
the Dutch had a trading-post at
Bergen as early as 1618. After New
Netherland passed into the hands of
the Dutch, the Duke of York gave
the land lying between the Hudson
and the Delaware to Lord Berkeley
and Sir George Carteret for
Christmas.
The first permanent English
settlement made in the State was at
Elizabethtown, named so in honor
of Sir George's first wife.
Berkeley sold his part to some
BERKELEY IN NEW JERSEY.
English Quakers. This part was
called West Jersey. He claimed that
it was too far from town. It was very hard for a lord to clear up land, and
Berkeley missed his evenings at the Savage Club, and his nose yearned for
a good whiff of real old Rotten Row fog.
So many disputes arose regarding the title to Jersey that the whole thing
finally reverted to the crown in 1702. When there was any trouble over
titles in those days it was always settled by letting it revert to the crown. It
has been some years now, however, since that has happened in this country.
Thirty-six years later New Jersey was set apart as a separate royal province,
and became a railroad terminus and bathing-place.

Delaware was settled by the Swedes at Wilmington first, and called New
Sweden. I am surprised that the Norsemen, who it is claimed made the first
and least expensive summer at Newport, R. I., should not have clung to it.
They could have made a good investment, and in a few years would have
been strong enough to wipe out the Brooklyn police.

CHEAPEST NEWPORT SEASON.

The Swedes, too, had a good foothold in New York, Jersey, and Delaware,
also a start in Pennsylvania. But the two nations seemed to yearn for home,
and as soon as boats began to run regularly to Stockholm and Christiania,
they returned. In later years they discovered Minneapolis and Stillwater.
William Penn now loomed up on the horizon. He was an English Quaker
who had been expelled from Oxford and jugged in Cork also for his
religious belief. He was the son of Admiral Sir William Penn, and had a
good record. He believed that elocutionary prayer was unnecessary, and that
the acoustics of heaven were such that the vilest sinner with no voice-
culture could be heard in the remotest portion of the gallery.
The only thing that has been said against Penn with any sort of semblance
of truth was that he had some influence with James II. The Duke of York
also stood in with Penn, and used to go about in England bailing William
out whenever he was jailed on account of his religious belief.

Penn was quite a writer (see Appendix). He was the author of "No Cross,
No Crown," "Innocency with her Open Face," and "The Great Cause of
Liberty of Conscience."
From his father he had inherited a claim against the government for sixteen
thousand pounds, probably arrears of pension. He finally received the State
of Pennsylvania as payment of the claim. The western boundary took in the
Cliff House and Seal Rocks of San Francisco.
Penn came to America in 1682 and bought his land over again from the
Indians. It is not strange that he got the best terms he could out of the
Indians, but still it is claimed that they were satisfied, therefore he did not
cheat them.
The Indian, as will be noticed by reading these pages thoughtfully, was
never a Napoleon of finance. He is that way down to the present day. If you
watch him carefully and notice his ways, you can dicker with him to better
advantage than you can with Russell Sage.
Take the Indian just before breakfast after two or three nights of
debauchery, and offer him a jug of absinthe with a horned toad in it for his
pony and saddle, and you will get them. Even in his more sober and
thoughtful moments you can swap a suit of red medicated flannels with him
for a farm.
Penn gathered about him many different kinds of people, with various sorts
and shades of belief. Some were Free-Will and some were Hard-Shell, some
were High-Church and reminded one of a Masonic Lodge working at 32°,
while others were Low-Church and omitted crossing themselves frequently
while putting down a new carpet in the chancel.
But he was too well known at court, and suspected of knowledge of and
participation in some of the questionable acts of King James, so that after
the latter's dethronement, and an intimation that Penn had communicated
with the exiled monarch, Penn was deprived of his title to Pennsylvania, for
which he had twice paid.
Penn was a constant sufferer at the hands of his associates, who sought to
injure him in every way. He rounded out a life of suffering by marrying the
second time in 1695.

In 1708 he was on the
verge of bankruptcy,
owing to the villany and
mismanagement of his
agent, and was thrown
into Fleet Street Prison,
a jail in which he had
never before been
confined. His health
gave way afterwards,
and this remarkable
man died July 30, 1718.
Philadelphia was
A FEW OF PENN'S PEOPLE. founded in 1683 and
work begun on a
beautiful building known as the City Hall. Work has steadily progressed on
this building from time to time since then, and at this writing it is so near
completion as to give promise of being one of the most perfect architectural
jobs ever done by the hand of man.
In two years Philadelphia had sprung from a wilderness, where the rank
thistle nodded in the wind, to a town of over two thousand people, exclusive
of Indians not taxed. In three years it had gained more than New York had
in fifty years. This was due to the fact that the people who came to
Philadelphia had nothing to fear but the Indians, while settlers in New York
had not only the Indians to defend themselves against, but the police also.
Penn and his followers established the great law that no one who believed
in Almighty God should be molested in his religious belief. Even the
Indians liked Penn, and when the nights were cold they would come and
crawl into his bed and sleep with him all night and not kill him at all. The
Great Chief of the Tribes, even, did not feel above this, and the two used
frequently to lie and talk for hours, Penn doing the talking and the chief
doing the lying.
It is said that, with all the Indian massacres and long wars between the red
men and the white, no drop of Quaker blood was ever shed. I quote this

from an historian who is much older than I, and with whom I do not wish to
have any controversy.
After Penn's death his heirs ran the Colony up to 1779, when they disposed
of it for five hundred thousand dollars or thereabouts, and the State became
the proprietor.

PENN AND THE BIG CHIEF.

The seventeenth century must have been a very disagreeable period for
people who professed religion, for America from Newfoundland to Florida
was dotted with little settlements almost entirely made up of people who
had escaped from England to secure religious freedom at the risk of their
lives.
In 1634 the first settlement was made by young Lord Baltimore, whose
people, the Catholics, were fleeing from England to obtain freedom to
worship God as they believed to be right. Thus the Catholics were added to
the list of religious refugees,—viz., the Huguenots, the Puritans, the
Walloons, the Quakers, the Presbyterians, the Whigs, and the Menthol
Healers.
Terra Mariæ, or Maryland, was granted to Lord Baltimore, as the successor
of his father, who had begun before his death the movement for settling his
people in America. The charter gave to all freemen a voice in making the
laws. Among the first laws passed was one giving to every human being
upon payment of poll-tax the right to worship freely according to the

dictates of his own conscience. America thus became the refuge for those
who had any peculiarity of religious belief, until to-day no doubt more
varieties of religion may be found here than almost anywhere else in the
world.
In 1635 the Virginia Colony and Lord Baltimore had some words over the
boundaries between the Jamestown and Maryland Colonies. Clayborne was
the Jamestown man who made the most trouble. He had started a couple of
town sites on the Maryland tract, plotted them, and sold lots to Yorkshire
tenderfeet, and so when Lord Baltimore claimed the lands Clayborne
attacked him, and there was a running skirmish for several years, till at last
the Rebellion collapsed in 1645 and Clayborne fled.
The Protestants now held the best hand, and outvoted the Catholics, so up to
1691 there was a never-dying fight between the two, which must have been
entertaining to the unregenerate outsider who was taxed to pay for a double
set of legislators. This fight between the Catholics and Protestants shows
that intolerance is not confined to a monarchy.
In 1715 the fourth Lord Baltimore recovered the government by the aid of
the police, and religious toleration was restored. Maryland remained under
this system of government until the Revolution, which will be referred to
later on in the most thrilling set of original pictures and word-paintings that
the reader has ever met with.

QUESTIONS FOR EXAMINATION.

Q. Who was William Penn?
A. He founded Pennsylvania.
Q. Was he a great fighter?
A. No. He was a peaceable man, and did not believe in killing
men or fighting.
Q. Would he have fought for a purse of forty thousand dollars?

A. No. He could do better buying coal lands of the Indians.
Q. What is religious freedom?
A. It is the art of giving intolerance a little more room.
Q. Who was Lord Baltimore?
A. See foregoing chapter.
Q. What do you understand by rebellion?
A. It is an unsuccessful attempt by armed subjects to overcome
the parent government.
Q. Is it right or wrong?
A. I do not know, but will go and inquire.

CHAPTER X.
THE EARLY ARISTOCRACY.

Lord Clarendon and several other noblemen in 1663 obtained from Charles
II. a grant of lands lying south of Virginia which they called Carolina in
honor of the king, whose name was not really Carolina. Possibly that was
his middle name, however, or his name in Latin.
The Albemarle Colony was first on the ground. Then there was a Carteret
Colony in 1670. They "removed the ancient groves covered with yellow
jessamine" on the Ashley, and began to build on the present site of
Charleston.
The historian remarks that the growth of this Colony was rapid from the
first. The Dutch, dissatisfied with the way matters were conducted in New
York, and worn out when shopping by the ennui and impudence of the
salesladies, came to Charleston in large numbers, and the Huguenots in
Charleston found a hearty Southern welcome, and did their trading there
altogether.
We now pass on to speak of the Grand Model which was set up as a five-
cent aristocracy by Lord Shaftesbury and the great philosopher John Locke.
The canebrakes and swamps of the wild and snake-infested jungles of the
wilderness were to be divided into vast estates, over which were proprietors
with hereditary titles and outing flannels.
This scheme recognized no rights of self-government whatever, and denied
the very freedom which the people came there in search of. So there were
murmurings among those people who had not brought their finger-bowls
and equerries with them.

ARISTOCRACY SNUBBED.

In short, aristocracy did not do well on this soil. Baronial castles, with hot
and cold water in them, were often neglected, because the colonists would
not forsake their own lands to the thistle and blue-nosed brier in order to
come and cook victuals for the baronial castles or sweep out the baronial
halls and wax the baronial floors for a journeyman juke who ate custard pie
with a knife and drank tea from his saucer through a King Charles
moustache.
Thus the aristocracy was forced to close its doors, and the arms of Lord
Shaftesbury were so humiliated that he could no longer put up his dukes
(see Appendix)
There had also been a great deal of friction between the Albemarle or
Carteret and the Charleston set, the former being from Virginia, while the
latter was, as we have seen, a little given to kindergarten aristocracy and
ofttimes tripped up on their parade swords while at the plough. Of course
outside of this were the plebeian people, or copperas-culottes, who did the
work; but Lord Shaftesbury for some time, as we have seen, lived in a
baronial shed and had his arms worked on the left breast of his nighty.

TWO DOLLARS PER BREEZE.

So these two Colonies finally became separate States in the Union, though
there is yet something of the same feeling between the people. Wealthy
people come to the mountains of North Carolina from South Carolina for
the cool summer breezes of the Old North State, and have to pay two
dollars per breeze even up to the past summer.
Thus there was constant irritation and disgust up to 1729 at least, regarding
taxes, rents, and rights, until, as the historian says, "the discouraged
Proprietors ceded their rights to the crown."
It will be noticed that the crown was well ceded by this time, and the poet's
remark seems at this time far grander and more apropos than any language
of the writer could be: so it is given here,—viz., "Uneasy lies the head that
wears a seedy crown." (see Appendix)
The year of Washington's birth, viz., 1732, witnessed the birth of the baby
colony of Georgia. James Oglethorpe, a kind-hearted man, with a wig that
fooled more than one poor child of the forest, conceived the idea of
founding a refuge for Englishmen who could not pay up. The laws were
very arbitrary then, and harsh to a degree. Many were imprisoned then in

England for debt, but those who visit
London now will notice that they are at
liberty.
Oglethorpe was an officer and a
gentleman, and this scheme showed his
generous nature and philanthropic
disposition. George II. granted him in
trust for the poor a tract of land called,
in honor of the king, Georgie, which
has recently been changed to Georgia.
The enterprise prospered remarkably,
and generous and charitable people
aided it in every possible way. People
who had not been able for years to pay
their debts came to Georgia and bought
large tracts of land or began
merchandising with the Indians.
Thousands of acres of rich cotton-
lands were exchanged by the Indians
for orders on the store, they giving
warranty deeds to same, reserving only
the rights of piscary and massacre.
OGLETHORPE'S WIG.
Oglethorpe got along with the Indians
first-rate, and won their friendship. One great chief, having received a
present from Oglethorpe consisting of a manicure set, on the following
Christmas gave Oglethorpe a beautiful buffalo robe, on the inside of which
were painted an eagle and a portable bath-tub, signifying, as the chief
stated, that the buffalo was the emblem of strength, the eagle of swiftness,
and the bath-tub the advertisement of cleanliness. "Thus," said the chief,
"the English are strong as the buffalo, swift as the eagle, and love to convey
the idea that they are just about to take a bath when you came and
interrupted them."

NOT PAID THEIR DEBTS FOR YEARS.

The Moravians also came to Georgia, and the Scotch Highlanders. On the
arrival of the latter, the Georgia mosquitoes held a mass meeting, at which
speeches were made, and songs sung, and resolutions adopted making the
Highland uniform the approved costume for the entire coast during summer.
George Whitefield the eloquent,
who often addressed audiences
(even in those days, when
advertising was still in its infancy
and the advance agent was unheard
of) of from five thousand to forty
thousand people, founded an
orphan asylum. One audience
consisted of sixty thousand people.
The money from this work all went
to help and sustain the orphan
asylum. While reading of him we
are reminded of our own Dr.
Talmage, who is said to be the
THE MOSQUITOES LIKED THE COSTUME.
wealthiest apostle on the road.

The trustees of Georgia limited the size of a man's farm, did not allow
women to inherit land, and forbade the importation of rum or of slaves.
Several of these rules were afterwards altered, so that as late as 1893 at least
a gentleman from Washington, D.C., well known for his truth and honesty,
saw rum inside the State twice, though Bourbon whiskey was preferred.
Slaves also were found inside the State, and the negro is seen there even
now; but the popularity of a negro baby is nothing now to what it was at the
time when this class of goods went up to the top notch.
Need I add that after a while the people became dissatisfied with these rules
and finally the whole matter was ceded to the crown? From this time on
Georgia remained a royal province up to the Revolution. Since that very
little has been said about ceding it to the crown.
North Carolina also remained an English colony up to the same period, and,
though one of the original thirteen Colonies, is still far more sparsely settled
than some of the Western States.
Virginia Dare was the first white child born in America. She selected
Roanoke, now in North Carolina, in August, 1587, as her birthplace. She
was a grand-daughter of the Governor, John White. Her fate, like that of the
rest of the colony, is unknown to this day.

The author begs leave to express his thanks here for the valuable
aid furnished him by the following works,—viz.: "The Horse
and his Diseases," by Mr. Astor; "Life and Times of John
Oglethorpe," by Elias G. Merritt; "How to Make the Garden
Pay," by Peter Henderson; "Over the Purple Hills," by Mrs.
Churchill, of Denver, Colorado, and "He Played on the Harp of
a Thousand Strings, and the Spirits of Just Men Made Perfect,"
by S. P. Avery.

CHAPTER XI.
INTERCOLONIAL AND INDIAN WARS.

Intercolonial and Indian wars furnished excitement now from 1689 into the
early part of the eighteenth century. War broke out in Europe between the
French and English, and the Colonies had to take sides, as did also the
Indians.
Canadians and Indians would come down into York State or New England,
burn a town, tomahawk quite a number of people, then go back on snow-
shoes, having entered the town on rubbers, like a decayed show with no
printing.
There was an attack on Haverhill in March, 1697, and a Mr. Dustin was at
work in the field. He ran to his house and got his seven children ahead of
him, while with his gun he protected their rear till he got them away safely.
Mrs. Dustin, however, who ran back into the house to remove a pie from
the oven as she feared it was burning, was captured, and, with a boy of the
neighborhood, taken to an island in the Merrimac, where the Indians
camped. At night she woke the boy, told him how to hit an Indian with a
tomahawk so that "the subsequent proceedings would interest him no
more," and that evening the two stole forth while the ten Indians slept,
knocked in their thinks, scalped them to prove their story, and passed on to
safety. Mrs. Dustin kept those scalps for many years, showing them to her
friends to amuse them.
King William's War lasted eight years. Queen Anne's War lasted from 1702
to 1713. The brunt of this war fell on New England. Our forefathers had to
live in block-houses, with barbed-wire fences around them, and carry their
guns with them all the time. From planting the Indian with a shotgun, they
soon got to planting their corn with the same agricultural instrument in the
stony soil.
The French and Spanish tried to take Charleston in 1706, but were repulsed
with great loss, consisting principally of time which they might have

employed in raising frogs' legs and tantalizing a bull at so much per tant.
This war lasted eleven years, including stops, and was ended by the treaty
of Utrecht (pronounced you-trecked).
After this, what was called the Spanish War continued between England and
Spain for some time. An attempt to capture Georgia was made, and a
garrison established itself there, with good prospects of taking in the State
under Spanish rule, but our able friend Oglethorpe, the Henry W. Grady of
his time, managed to accidentally mislay a letter which fell into the enemy's
hands, the contents of which showed that enormous reinforcements were
expected at any moment. This was swallowed comfortably by the
commander, who blew up his impregnable works, changed the address of
his Atlanta Constitution, and sailed for home.
Oglethorpe wore a wig, but was otherwise one of our greatest minds. It is
said that anybody at a distance of two miles on a clear day could readily
distinguish that it was a wig, and yet he died believing that no one had ever
probed his great mystery and that his wig would rise with him at the playing
of the last trump.
King George's War, which extended over four years, succeeded, but did not
amount to anything except the capture of Cape Breton by English and
Colonial troops. Cape Breton was called the Gibraltar of America; but a
Yankee farmer who has raised flax on an upright farm for twenty years does
not mind scaling a couple of Gibraltars before breakfast; so, without any
West Point knowledge regarding engineering, they walked up the hill, and
those who were alive when they got to the top took it. It was no Balaklava
business and no dumb animal show, but simply revealed the fact that brave
men fighting for their eight-dollar homes and a mass of children are
disagreeable people to meet on the battle-field.
The French and Indian War lasted nine years,—viz., from 1754 to 1763.
From Quebec to New Orleans the French owned the land, and mixed up a
good deal socially with the Indians, so that the slender settlement along the
coast had arrayed against it this vast line of northern and western forts, and
the Indians, who were mostly friendly with the French, united with them in
several instances and showed them some new styles of barbarism which up
to that time they had never known about.

The half-breed is always half French and half
Indian.
The English owned all lands lying on one side of
the Ohio, the French on the other, which led a great
chief to make a P. P. C. call on Governor
Dinwiddie, and during the conversation to inquire
with some naïveté where the Indian came in. No
answer was ever received.
We pause here to ask the question, Why did the
pale-face usurp the lands of the Indians without
remuneration? It was because the Indian was not
orthodox. He may have been lazy from a
Puritanical stand-point, and he may also have
hunted on the twenty-seventh Sunday after Easter;
but still was it not right that he should have
received a dollar or two per county for the United
States? No one would have felt it, and possibly it
BELIEVING HIS WIG might have saved the lives of innocent people.
WOULD RISE WITH HIM.
Verbum sap., however, comes in here with peculiar
appropriateness, and the massive-browed historian passes on.
The French had three forts along in the Middle States, as they are now
called, and Western Pennsylvania; and George Washington, of whom more
will be said in the twelfth chapter, was sent to ask the French to remove
these forts. He started at once.
The commanders were some of them arrogant, but the general, St. Pierre,
treated him with great respect, refusing, however, to yield the ground
discovered by La Salle and Marquette. The author had the pleasure of being
arrested in Paris in 1889, and he feels of a truth, as he often does, that there
can be no more polite people in the world than the French. Arrested under
all circumstances and in many lands, the author can place his hand on his
heart and say that he would go hundreds of miles to be arrested by a John
Darm.

Washington returned four
hundred miles through every
kind of danger, including a
lunch at Altoona, where he
stopped twenty minutes.
The following spring
Washington was sent under
General Fry to drive out the
French, who had started
farming at Pittsburg. Fry died,
and Washington took
command. He liked it very
much. After that Washington
PLEASURE OF BEING ARRESTED IN PARIS. took command whenever he
could, and soon rose to be a
great man.

The first expedition against Fort Duquesne
(pronounced du-kane) was commanded by
General Braddock, whose portrait we are
able to give, showing him at the time he
did not take Washington's advice in the
Duquesne matter. Later we show him as he
appeared after he had abandoned his
original plans and immediately after not
taking Washington's advice.
"The Indians," said Braddock, "may
frighten Colonial troops, but they can
make no impression on the king's regulars.
We are alike impervious to fun or fear."
GENERAL BRADDOCK SCORNING
Braddock thought of fighting the Indians WASHINGTON'S ADVICE.
by manœuvring in large bodies, but the
first body to be manœuvred was that of General Braddock, who perished in
about a minute.
We give the reader, above, an idea of Braddock's soldierly bearing after he
had been manœuvring a few times.
It was then that Washington took command, as was his custom, and began
to fight the Indians and French as one would hunt varmints in Virginia.
Braddock's men fired by platoons into the trees and tore a few holes in the
State line, but when most of the Colonial troops were dead the regulars
presented their tournures to the foe and fled as far as Philadelphia, where
they each took a bath and had some laundry-work done.

GENERAL BRADDOCK AFTER SCORNING WASHINGTON'S ADVICE.

General Forbes took command of the second expedition. He spent most of
his time building roads.
Time passed on, and Forbes built viaducts, conduits, culverts, and rustic
bridges, till it was November, and they were yet fifty miles from the fort.
He then decided to abandon the expedition, on account of the cold, and also
fearing that he had not made all of his bridges wide enough so that he could
take the captured fort home with him.
Washington, however, though only an aidy kong of General Forbes, decided
to take command. His mother had said to him over and over, "George, in an
emergency always take command." He done so, as General Rusk would say.
As he approached, the French set fire to the fort, and retreated, together
with the Indians and Molly Maguires.
Pittsburg now stands on this historic ground, and is one of the most
delightful cities of America.
Many other changes were going on at this time. The English got possession
of Acadia and the French forts at the head of the Bay of Fundy.
In 1757 General Loudon collected an army for an attack on Louisburg. He
drilled his troops all summer, and then gave up the attack because he

learned that the French had one more skiff than he had.
The Loudons of America at the time of this writing are more quiet and
sensible regarding their ancestry than any of the doodle-bug aristocracy of
our promoted peasantry and the crested Yahoos of our cowboy republic.
The Loudons—or Lowdowns—of America had a very large family. Some
of them changed their names and moved.
The next year after the fox pass of General Loudon, Amherst and Wolfe
took possession of the entire island.
About the time of Braddock's justly celebrated expedition another started
out for Crown Point. The French, under Dieskau (pronounced dees-kow),
met the army composed of Colonial troops in plain clothes, together with
the regular troops led by officers with drawn swords and overdrawn
salaries. The regular general, seeing that the battle was lost, excused himself
and retired to his tent, owing to an ingrowing nail which had annoyed him
all day. Lyman, the Colonial officer now took command, and wrung victory
from the reluctant jaws of defeat. For this Johnson, the English general,
received twenty-five thousand dollars and a baronetcy, while Lyman
received a plated butter-dish and a bass-wood what-not. But Lyman was a
married man, and had learned to take things as they came.
Four months prior to the capture of Duquesne, one thousand boats loaded
with soldiers, each with a neat little lunch-basket and a little flag to wave
when they hurrahed for the good kind man at the head of the picnic,—viz.,
General Abercrombie,—sailed down Lake George to get a whiff of fresh air
and take Ticonderoga.
When they arrived, General Abercrombie took out a small book regarding
tactics which he had bought on the boat, and, after refreshing his memory,
ordered an assault. He then went back to see how his rear was, and, finding
it all right, he went back still farther, to see if no one had been left behind.
Abercrombie never forgot or overlooked any one. He wanted all of his
pleasure-party to be where they could see the fight.
In that way he missed it himself. I would hate to miss a fight that way.

The Abercrombies of America
mostly trace their ancestry back
by a cut-off avoiding the general's
line.
Niagara had an expedition sent
against it at the time of
Braddock's trip. The commander
was General Shirley, but he ran
out of money while at the Falls
and decided to return. This post ABERCROMBIE WENT BACK TO THE REAR.
did not finally surrender till 1759.
This gave the then West to the English. They had tried for one hundred and
forty years to civilize it, but, alas, with only moderate success. Prosperous
and happy even while sniping in their fox-hunting or canvas-back-duck
clothes, these people feel somewhat soothed for their lack of culture
because they are well-to-do.
In 1759 General Wolfe anchored off Quebec with his fleet and sent a boy up
town to ask if there were any letters for him at the post-office, also asking at
what time it would be convenient to evacuate the place. The reply came
back from General Montcalm, an able French general, that there was no
mail for the general, but if Wolfe was dissatisfied with the report he might
run up personally and look over the W's.
Wolfe did so, taking his troops up by an unknown cow-path on the off side
of the mountain during the night, and at daylight stood in battle-array on the
Plains of Abraham. An attack was made by Montcalm as soon as he got
over his wonder and surprise. At the third fire Wolfe was fatally wounded,
and as he was carried back to the rear he heard some one exclaim,—
"They run! They run!"
"Who run?" inquired Wolfe.
"The French! The French!" came the reply.
"Now God be praised," said Wolfe, "I die happy."

Montcalm had a similar experience. He was fatally wounded. "They run!
They run!" he heard some one say.
"Who run?" exclaimed Montcalm, wetting his lips with a lemonade-glass of
cognac.
"We do," replied the man.
"Then so much the better," said Montcalm, as his eye lighted up, "for I shall
not live to see Quebec surrendered."
This shows what can be done without a rehearsal; also how the historian has
to control himself in order to avoid lying.
The death of these two brave men is a beautiful and dramatic incident in the
history of our country, and should be remembered by every school-boy,
because neither lived to write articles criticising the other.
Five days later the city capitulated. An attempt was made to recapture it, but
it was not successful. Canada fell into the hands of the English, and from
the open Polar Sea to the Mississippi the English flag floated.
What an empire!
What a game-preserve!
Florida was now ceded to the already cedy crown of England by Spain, and
brandy-and-soda for the wealthy and bitter beer became the drink of the
poor.

REMAINED BY IT TILL DEATH.

Pontiac's War was brought on by the Indians, who preferred the French
occupation to that of the English. Pontiac organized a large number of tribes
on the spoils plan, and captured eight forts. He killed a great many people,
burned their dwellings, and drove out many more, but at last his tribes made
trouble, as there were not spoils enough to go around, and his army was
conquered. He was killed in 1769 by an Indian who received for his trouble
a barrel of liquor, with which he began to make merry. He remained by the
liquor till death came to his relief.
The heroism of an Indian who meets his enemy single-handed in that way,
and, though greatly outnumbered, dies with his face to the foe, is deserving
of more than a passing notice.
The French and Indian War cost the Colonists sixteen million dollars, of
which the English repaid only five million. The Americans lost thirty
thousand men, none of whom were replaced. They suffered every kind of
horror and barbarity, written and unwritten, and for years their taxes were
two-thirds of their income; and yet they did not murmur.
These were the fathers and mothers of whom we justly brag. These were the
people whose children we are. What are inherited titles and ancient names
many times since dishonored, compared with the heritage of uncomplaining
suffering and heroism which we boast of to-day because those modest
martyrs were working people, proud that by the sweat of their brows they
wrung from a niggardly soil the food they ate, proud also that they could
leave the plough to govern or to legislate, able also to survey a county or
rule a nation.

CHAPTER XII.
PERSONALITY OF WASHINGTON.

It would seem that a few personal remarks about George Washington at this
point might not be out of place. Later on his part in this history will more
fully appear.
The author points with some pride to a study of Washington's
great act in crossing the Delaware, from a wax-work of great
accuracy. The reader will avoid confusing Washington with the
author, who is dressed in a plaid suit and on the shore, while
Washington may be seen in this end of the boat with the air of
one who has just discovered the location of a glue-factory on
the side of the river.
A directory of Washington's head-quarters has been arranged by
the author of this book, and at a reunion of the general's body-servants to be
held in the future the work will be on sale.
The name of George Washington has always had about it a glamour that
made him appear more in the light of a god than a tall man with large feet
and a mouth made to fit an old-fashioned full-dress pumpkin pie.

STUDY OF WASHINGTON CROSSING THE DELAWARE.

George Washington's face has beamed
out upon us for many years now, on
postage-stamps and currency, in
marble and plaster and in bronze, in
photographs of original portraits,
paintings, and stereoscopic views. We
have seen him on horseback and on
foot, on the war-path and on skates,
playing the flute, cussing his troops for
their shiftlessness, and then, in the
solitude of the forest, with his snorting
war-horse tied to a tree, engaged in
prayer.
MY GREATEST WORK. We have seen all these pictures of
George, till we are led to believe that
he did not breathe our air or eat American groceries. But George
Washington was not perfect. I say this after a long and careful study of his
life, and I do not say it to detract the very smallest iota from the proud
history of the Father of his Country. I say it simply that the boys of America

who want to become George Washingtons will not feel so timid about
trying it.
When I say that George Washington, who now lies so calmly in the lime-
kiln at Mount Vernon, could reprimand and reproach his subordinates, at
times, in a way to make the ground crack open and break up the ice in the
Delaware a week earlier than usual, I do not mention it in order to show the
boys of our day that profanity will make them resemble George
Washington. That was one of his weak points, and no doubt he was
ashamed of it, as he ought to have been. Some poets think that if they get
drunk and stay drunk they will resemble Edgar A. Poe and George D.
Prentice. There are lawyers who play poker year after year and get regularly
skinned because they have heard that some of the able lawyers of the past
century used to come home at night with poker-chips in their pockets.

WASHINGTON PLAYING THE FLUTE.

Whiskey will not make a poet, nor poker a great pleader. And yet I have
seen poets who relied on the potency of their breath, and lawyers who knew

more of the habits of a bobtail flush than they ever did of the statutes in
such case made and provided.
George Washington was always ready. If you wanted a man to be first in
war, you could call on George. If you desired an adult who would be first
baseman in time of peace, Mr. Washington could be telephoned at any hour
of the day or night. If you needed a man to be first in the hearts of his
countrymen, George's post-office address was at once secured.

THE AWKWARD SQUAD.

Though he was a great man, he was once a poor boy. How often you hear
that in America! Here it is a positive disadvantage to be born wealthy. And
yet sometimes I wish they had experimented a little that way on me. I do
not ask now to be born rich, of course, because it is too late; but it seems to
me that, with my natural good sense and keen insight into human nature, I
could have struggled along under the burdens and cares of wealth with great
success. I do not care to die wealthy, but if I could have been born wealthy
it seems to me I would have been tickled almost to death.
I love to believe that true greatness is not accidental. To think and to say
that greatness is a lottery, is pernicious. Man may be wrong sometimes in
his judgment of others, both individually and in the aggregate, but he who
gets ready to be a great man will surely find the opportunity.

You will wonder whom I got to write this sentiment for me, but you will
never find out.
In conclusion, let me say that George Washington was successful for three
reasons. One was that he never shook the confidence of his friends. Another
was that he had a strong will without being a mule. Some people cannot
distinguish between being firm and being a big blue donkey.
Another reason why Washington is loved and honored to-day is that he died
before we had a chance to get tired of him. This is greatly superior to the
method adopted by many modern statesmen, who wait till their
constituency weary of them, and then reluctantly pass away.

N. B.—Since writing the foregoing I have found that
Washington was not born a poor boy,—a discovery which
redounds greatly to his credit,—that he was able to accomplish
so much, and yet could get his weekly spending money and
sport a French nurse in his extreme youth.
B. N.

CHAPTER XIII.
CONTRASTS WITH THE PRESENT DAY.

Here it may be well to speak briefly of the contrast between the usages and
customs of the period preceding the Revolution, and the present day. Some
of these customs and regulations have improved with the lapse of time,
others undoubtedly have not.
Two millions of people constituted the entire number of whites, while away
to the westward the red brother extended indefinitely. Religiously they were
Protestants, and essentially they were "a God-fearing people." Taught to
obey a power they were afraid of, they naturally turned with delight to the
service of a God whose genius in the erection of a boundless and successful
hell challenged their admiration and esteem. So, too, their own executions
of Divine laws were successful as they gave pain, and the most beautiful
features of Christianity,—namely, love and charity,—according to history,
were not cultivated very much.
There were in New England at one time twelve offences punishable with
death, and in Virginia seventeen. This would indicate that the death-penalty
is getting unpopular very fast, and that in the contiguous future humane
people will wonder why murder should have called for murder, in this
brainy, charitable, and occult age, in which man seems almost able to pry
open the future and catch a glimpse of Destiny underneath the great tent
that has heretofore held him off by means of death's prohibitory rates.
In Hartford people had to get up when the town watchman rang his bell.
The affairs of the family, and private matters too numerous to mention,
were regulated by the selectmen. The catalogues of Harvard and Yale were
regulated according to the standing of the family as per record in the old
country, and not as per bust measurement and merit, as it is to-day.
Scolding women, however, were gagged and tied to their front doors, so
that the populace could bite its thumb at them, and hired girls received fifty
dollars a year, with the understanding that they were not to have over two

days out each week, except Sunday and the
days they had to go and see their "sick sisters."
Some cloth-weaving was indulged in, and
homespun was the principal material used for
clothing. Mrs. Washington had sixteen
spinning-wheels in her house. Her husband
often wore homespun while at home, and on
rainy days sometimes placed a pair of home-
made trousers of the barn-door variety in the
Presidential chair.
Money was very scarce, and ammunition very
valuable. In 1635 musket-balls passed for
THE TOWN WATCHMAN.
farthings, and to see a New England peasant
making change with the red brother at thirty
yards was a common and delightful scene.
The first press was set up in Cambridge in 1639, with the statement that it
"had come to stay." Books printed in those days were mostly sermons filled
with the most comfortable assurance that the man who let loose his intellect
and allowed it to disbelieve some very difficult things would be essentially
——well, I hate to say right here in a book what would happen to him.
The first daily paper, called The Federal
Orrery, was issued three hundred years
after Columbus discovered America. It was
not popular, and killed off the news-boys
who tried to call it on the streets: so it
perished.
There was a public library in New York,
from which books were loaned at
fourpence ha'penny per week. New York
thus became very early the seat of learning,
and soon afterwards began to abuse the site
where Chicago now stands.

BOOKS FILLED WITH

Travel was slow, the people went on ASSURANCES OF FUTURE
DAMNATION.
horseback or afoot, and when they could go
by boat it was regarded as a success.
Wagons finally made the trip from New York to Philadelphia in the wild
time of forty-eight hours, and the line was called The Flying Dutchman, or
some other euphonious name. Benjamin Franklin, whose biography occurs
in Chapter XV., was then Postmaster-General.
He was the first bald-headed man of any prominence in the history of
America. He and his daughter Sally took a trip in a chaise, looking over the
entire system, and going to all offices. Nothing pleased the Postmaster-
General like quietly slipping into a place like Sandy Bottom and catching
the postmaster reading over the postal cards and committing them to
memory.
Calfskin shoes up to the Revolution were the exclusive property of the
gentry, and the rest wore cowhide and were extremely glad to mend them
themselves. These were greased every week with tallow, and could be worn
on either foot with impunity. Rights and lefts were never thought of until
after the Revolutionary War, but to-day the American shoe is the most
symmetrical, comfortable, and satisfactory shoe made in the world. The
British shoe is said to be more comfortable. Possibly for a British foot it is
so, but for a foot containing no breathing-apparatus or viscera it is
somewhat roomy and clumsy.

CAUGHT BY FRANKLIN READING POSTAL CARDS.

Farmers and laborers of those days wore green or red baize in the shape of
jackets, and their breeches were made of leather or bed-ticking. Our
ancestors dressed plainly, and a man who could not make over two hundred
pounds per year was prohibited from dressing up or wearing lace worth
over two shillings per yard. It was a pretty sad time for literary men, as they
were thus compelled to wear clothing like the common laborers.
Lord Cornwallis once asked his aidy kong why the American poet always
had such an air of listening as if for some expected sound. "I give it up,"
retorted the aidy kong. "It is," said Lord Cornwallis, as he took a large drink
from a jug which he had tied to his saddle, "because he is trying to see if he
cannot hear his bed-ticking." On the following day he surrendered his army,
and went home to spring his bon-mot on George III.
Yet the laws were very stringent in other respects besides apparel. A man
was publicly whipped for killing a fowl on the Sabbath in New England. In
order to keep a tavern and sell rum, one had to be of good moral character
and possess property, which was a good thing. The names of drunkards
were posted up in the alehouses, and the keepers forbidden to sell them

liquor. No person under twenty years of age could use tobacco in
Connecticut without a physician's order, and no one was allowed to use it
more than once a day, and then not within ten miles of any house. It was a
common thing to see large picnic-parties going out into the backwoods of
Connecticut to smoke.
(Will the reader excuse me a moment while I light up a peculiarly black and
redolent pipe?)

LORD CORNWALLIS'S CONUNDRUM.

Only the gentry were called Mr. and Mrs. This included the preacher and
his wife. A friend of mine who is one of the gentry of this century got on the
trail of his ancestry last spring, and traced them back to where they were not
allowed to be called Mr. and Mrs., and, fearing he would fetch up in
Scotland Yard if he kept on, he slowly unrolled the bottoms of his trousers,
got a job on the railroad, and since then his friends are gradually returning
to him. He is well pleased now, and looks humbly gratified even if you call
him a gent.

The Scriptures were literally interpreted, and the Old Testament was read
every morning, even if the ladies fainted.
The custom yet noticed sometimes in country churches and festive
gatherings of placing the males and females on opposite sides of the room
was originated not so much as a punishment to both, as to give the men an
opportunity to act together when the red brother felt ill at ease.
I am glad the red brother does not molest us nowadays, and make us sit
apart that way. Keep away, red brother; remain on your reservation, please,
so that the pale-face may sit by the loved one and hold her little soft hand
during the sermon.
Church services meant business in those days. People brought their dinners
and had a general penitential gorge. Instrumental music was proscribed, as
per Amos fifth chapter and twenty-third verse, and the length of prayer was
measured by the physical endurance of the performer.
The preacher often boiled his sermon down to four hours, and the sexton
up-ended the hourglass each hour. Boys who went to sleep in church were
sand-bagged, and grew up to be border murderers.
New York people were essentially Dutch. New York gets her Santa Claus,
her doughnuts, crullers, cookies, and many of her odors, from the Dutch.
The New York matron ran to fine linen and a polished door-knocker, while
the New England housewife spun linsey-woolsey and knit "yarn mittens"
for those she loved.
Philadelphia was the largest city in the United States, and was noted for its
cleanliness and generally sterling qualities of mind and heart, its Sabbath
trance and clean white door-steps.
The Southern Colonies were quite different from those of the North. In
place of thickly-settled towns there were large plantations with African
villages near the house of the owner. The proprietor was a sort of country
squire, living in considerable comfort for those days. He fed and clothed
everybody, black or white, who lived on the estate, and waited patiently for
the colored people to do his work and keep well, so that they would be
more valuable. The colored people were blessed with children at a great
rate, so that at this writing, though voteless, they send a large number of

members to Congress. This cheers the Southern heart and partially recoups
him for his chickens. (See Appendix.)
The South then, as now, cured immense quantities of tobacco, while the
North tried to cure those who used it.
Washington was a Virginian. He packed his own flour with his own hands,
and it was never inspected. People who knew him said that the only man
who ever tried to inspect Washington's flour was buried under a hill of
choice watermelons at Mount Vernon.
Along the James and Rappahannock the vast estates often passed from
father to son according to the law of entail, and such a thing as a poor man
"prior to the war" must have been unknown.

NOT RICH BEFORE THE WAR.

Education, however, flourished more at the North, owing partly to the fact
that the people lived more in communities. Governor Berkeley of Virginia
was opposed to free schools from the start, and said, "I thank God there are
no free schools nor printing-presses here, and I hope we shall not have them
these hundred years." His prayer has been answered.

CHAPTER XIV.
THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

William Pitt was partly to blame for the Revolutionary War. He claimed that
the Colonists ought not to manufacture so much as a horseshoe nail except
by permission of Parliament.
It was already hard enough to be a colonist, without the privilege of
expressing one's self even to an Indian without being fined. But when we
pause to think that England seemed to demand that the colonist should take
the long wet walk to Liverpool during a busy season of the year to get his
horse shod, we say at once that P. Henry was right when he exclaimed that
the war was inevitable and moved that permission be granted for it to come.
Then came the Stamp Act, making almost everything illegal that was not
written on stamp paper furnished by the maternal country.
John Adams, Patrick Henry, and John Otis made speeches regarding the
situation. Bells were tolled, and fasting and prayer marked the first of
November, the day for the law to go into effect.
These things alarmed England for the time, and the Stamp Act was
repealed; but the king, who had been pretty free with his money and had
entertained a good deal, began to look out for a chance to tax the Colonists,
and ordered his Exchequer Board to attend to it.
Patrick Henry got excited, and said in an early speech, "Cæsar had his
Brutus, Charles the First his Cromwell, and George the Third——" Here he
paused and took a long swig of pure water, and added, looking at the
newspaper reporters, "If this be treason, make the most of it." He also said
that George the Third might profit by their example. A good many would
like to know what he started out to say, but it is too hard to determine.
Boston ladies gave up tea and used the dried leaves of the raspberry, and the
girls of 1777 graduated in homespun. Could the iron heel of despotism

crunch such a spirit of liberty as that? Scarcely. In one
family at Newport four hundred and eighty-seven yards
of cloth and thirty-six pairs of stockings were spun and
made in eighteen months.
When the war broke out it is estimated that each
Colonial soldier had twenty-seven pairs of blue woollen
socks with white double heels and toes. Does the
intelligent reader believe that "Tommy Atkins," with
two pairs of socks "and hit a-rainin'," could whip men PATRICK HENRY.
with twenty-seven pairs each? Not without restoratives.
Troops were now sent to restore order. They were clothed by the British
government, but boarded around with the Colonists. This was irritating to
the people, because they had never met or called on the British troops.
Again, they did not know the troops were coming, and had made no
provision for them.

THE BRITISH BOARDING 'ROUND.

Boston was considered the hot-bed of the rebellion, and General Gage was
ordered to send two regiments of troops there. He did so, and a fight
ensued, in which three citizens were killed.

In looking over this incident, we must not forget that in those days three
citizens went a good deal farther than they do now.
The fight, however, was brief. General Gage, getting into a side street,
separated from his command, and, coming out on the Common abruptly, he
tried eight or nine more streets, but he came out each time on the Common,
until, torn with conflicting emotions, he hired a Herdic, which took him
around the corner to his quarters.
On December 16, 1773, occurred the tea-party at Boston, which must have
been a good deal livelier than those of to-day. The historian regrets that he
was not there; he would have tried to be the life of the party.
England had finally so arranged the price of tea that, including the tax, it
was cheaper in America than in the old country. This exasperated the
patriots, who claimed that they were confronted by a theory and not a
condition. At Charleston this tea was stored in damp cellars, where it
spoiled. New York and Philadelphia returned their ships, but the British
would not allow any shenanegin', as George III. so tersely termed it, in
Boston.
Therefore a large party met in Faneuil Hall and decided that the tea should
not be landed. A party made up as Indians, and, going on board, threw the
tea overboard. Boston Harbor, as far out as the Bug Light, even to-day, is
said to be carpeted with tea-grounds.
George III. now closed Boston harbor and made General Gage Governor of
Massachusetts. The Virginia Assembly murmured at this, and was dissolved
and sent home without its mileage.

BOSTON TEA-PARTY, 1773.

Those opposed to royalty were termed Whigs, those in favor were called
Tories. Now they are called Chappies or Authors.
On the 5th of September, 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled at
Philadelphia and was entertained by the Clover Club. Congress acted
slowly even then, and after considerable delay resolved that the conduct of
Great Britain was, under the circumstances, uncalled for. It also voted to
hold no intercourse with Great Britain, and decided not to visit
Shakespeare's grave unless the mother-country should apologize.

BOSTON TEA PARTY, 1893.

In 1775, on the 19th of April, General Gage sent out troops to see about
some military stores at Concord, but at Lexington he met with a company
of minute-men gathering on the village green. Major Pitcairn, who was in
command of the Tommies, rode up to the minute-men, and, drawing his
bright new Sheffield sword, exclaimed, "Disperse, you rebels! throw down
your arms and disperse!" or some such remark as that.
The Americans hated to do that, so they did not. In the skirmish that ensued,
seven of their number were killed.
Thus opened the Revolutionary War,—a contest which but for the
earnestness and irritability of the Americans would have been extremely
brief. It showed the relative difference between the fighting qualities of
soldiers who fight for two pounds ten shillings per month and those who
fight because they have lost their temper.
The regulars destroyed the stores, but on the way home they found every
rock-pile hid an old-fashioned gun and minute-man. This shows that there
must have been an enormous number of minute-men then. All the English
who got back to Boston were those who went out to reinforce the original
command.
The news went over the country like wildfire. These are the words of the
historian. Really, that is a poor comparison, for wildfire doesn't jump rivers

and bays, or get up and eat breakfast by candle-light in order to be on the
road and spread the news.
General Putnam left a pair of tired steers standing in the furrow, and rode
one hundred miles without feed or water to Boston.
Twenty thousand men were soon at work building intrenchments around
Boston, so that the English troops could not get out to the suburbs where
many of them resided.

GENERAL PUTNAM LEAVING A PAIR OF TIRED STEERS.

I will now speak of the battle of Bunker Hill.
This battle occurred June 17. The Americans heard that their enemy
intended to fortify Bunker Hill, and so they determined to do it themselves,
in order to have it done in a way that would be a credit to the town.
A body of men under Colonel Prescott, after prayer by the President of
Harvard University, marched to Charlestown Neck. They decided to fortify
Breed's Hill, as it was more commanding, and all night long they kept on
fortifying. The surprise of the English at daylight was well worth going
from Lowell to witness.
Howe sent three thousand men across and formed them on the landing. He
marched them up the hill to within ten rods of the earth-works, when it
occurred to Prescott that it would now be the appropriate thing to fire. He
made a statement of that kind to his troops, and those of the enemy who
were alive went back to Charlestown. But that was no place for them, as

they had previously set it afire, so they came back up the hill, where they
were once more well received and tendered the freedom of a future state.

GENERAL HOWE'S SUGGESTION.

Three times the English did this, when the ammunition in the fortifications
gave out, and they charged with fixed bayonets and reinforcements.
The Americans were driven from the field, but it was a victory after all. It
united the Colonies and made them so vexed at the English that it took
some time to bring on an era of good feeling.
Lord Howe, referring afterwards to this battle, said that the Americans did
not stand up and fight like the regulars, suggesting that thereafter the
Colonial army should arrange itself in the following manner before a battle!
However, the suggestion was not acted on. The Colonial soldiers declined
to put on a bright red coat and a pill-box cap, that kept falling off in battle,
thus delaying the carnage, but preferred to wear homespun which was of a
neutral shade, and shoot their enemy from behind stumps. They said it was
all right to dress up for a muster, but they preferred their working-clothes

for fighting. After the war a
statistician made the estimate that
nine per cent. of the British troops
were shot while ascertaining if their
caps were on straight.[4]
General Israel Putnam was known as
the champion rough rider of his day,
and once when hotly pursued rode
down three flights of steps, which,
added to the flight he made from the
English soldiers, made four flights.
Putnam knew not fear or cowardice,
and his name even to-day is the
synonyme for valor and heroism.

PUTNAM'S FLIGHT.

FRANKLIN'S MORNING HUNT FOR HIS SHOES.

CHAPTER XV.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, LL.D., PH.G., F.R.S., ETC.

It is considered advisable by the historian at this time to say a word
regarding Dr. Franklin, our fellow-townsman, and a journalist who was the
Charles A. Dana of his time.
Franklin's memory will remain green when the
names of the millionaires of to-day are forgotten.
Coextensive with the name of E. Rosewater of the
Omaha Bee we will find that of Benjamin Franklin,
whose bust sits above the fireplace of the writer at
this moment, while a large Etruscan hornet is
making a phrenological examination of same.
But let us proceed to more fully mark out the life
and labors of this remarkable man.
Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very
THE PRINTER'S TOWEL. near being an only child. If seventeen children had
not come to bless the home of Benjamin's parents
they would have been childless. Think of getting up in the morning and
picking out your shoes and stockings from among seventeen pairs of them!
Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where you would be
called upon every morning to select your own cud of spruce gum from a
collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a window-sill! And yet
Benjamin Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea, and
to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a printer.
It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the great Archimedean lever, and
jerked it early and late in the interests of freedom.
It is claimed that Franklin, at this time, invented the deadly weapon known
as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash towel could be

saturated with glue, molasses, antimony,
concentrated lye, and roller-composition, and that
after a few years of time and perspiration it would
harden so that "A Constant Reader" or "Veritas"
could be stabbed with it and die soon.
Many believe that Franklin's other scientific
experiments were productive of more lasting
benefit to mankind than this, but I do not agree
with them.
His paper was called the New England Courant. It
was edited jointly by James and Benjamin
Franklin, and was started to supply a long-felt
want.
Benjamin edited it a part of the time, and James a
part of the time. The idea of having two editors FRANKLIN AS FOREMAN.
was not for the purpose of giving volume to the
editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the paper while the other
was in jail.
In those days you could not sass the king, and then,
when the king came in the office the next day and
stopped his paper and took out his ad., put it off on
"our informant" and go right along with the paper.
You had to go to jail, while your subscribers
wondered why their paper did not come, and the
paste soured in the tin dippers in the sanctum, and
the circus passed by on the other side.
How many of us to-day, fellow-journalists, would be
willing to stay in jail while the lawn festival and the
kangaroo came and went? Who of all our company
would go to a prison-cell for the cause of freedom
while a double-column ad. of sixteen aggregated
circuses, and eleven congresses of ferocious beasts,
fierce and fragrant from their native lair, went by
us?

FRANKLIN
EXPERIMENTING WITH LIGHTNING.

At the age of seventeen Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to
Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to "sub" for a few weeks
and then got a regular "sit."
Franklin was a good printer, and finally got to be a foreman. He made an
excellent foreman, sitting by the hour in the composing-room and spitting
on the stove, while he cussed the make-up and press-work of the other
papers. Then he would go into the editorial rooms and scare the editors to
death with a wild shriek for more copy.
He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman so that strangers would
think he owned the paper.
In 1730, at the age of twenty-four, Franklin married, and established the
Pennsylvania Gazette. He was then regarded as a great man, and almost
every one took his paper.
Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and spelled hard words with great
fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in any of his newspaper work, and
everybody respected him.
Along about 1746 he began to study the habits and construction of
lightning, and inserted a local in his paper in which he said that he would be
obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd specimens

of lightning, if they would send them in to the Gazette office for
examination.
Every time there was a thunderstorm Franklin would tell the foreman to edit
the paper, and, armed with a string and an old door-key, he would go out on
the hills and get enough lightning for a mess.

FRANKLIN VISITING GEORGE III.

In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster of the Colonies. He made a good
Postmaster-General, and people say there were fewer mistakes in
distributing their mail then than there have ever been since. If a man mailed
a letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went to where it was
addressed.
Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on business
and partly to shock the king. He liked to go to the castle with his breeches
tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and attract a great deal of
attention.
It looked odd to the English, of course, to see him come into the royal
presence, and, leaning his wet umbrella up against the throne, ask the king,
"How's trade?"

Franklin never put on any frills, but
he was not afraid of a crowned head.
He used to say, frequently, that a king
to him was no more than a seven-spot.
He did his best to prevent the
Revolutionary War, but he couldn't do
it. Patrick Henry had said that the war
was inevitable, and had given it
permission to come, and it came.
He also went to Paris, and got
acquainted with a few crowned heads
there. They thought a good deal of
him in Paris, and offered him a corner FRANKLIN ENTERING PHILADELPHIA.
lot if he would build there and start a
paper. They also promised him the county printing; but he said, No, he
would have to go back to America or his wife might get uneasy about him.
Franklin wrote "Poor Richard's Almanac" in 1732 to 1757, and it was
republished in England.
Franklin little thought, when he went to the throne-room in his leather
riding-clothes and hung his hat on the throne, that he was inaugurating a
custom of wearing groom clothes which would in these days be so popular
among the English.
Dr. Franklin entered Philadelphia eating a loaf of bread and carrying a loaf
under each arm, passing beneath the window of the girl to whom he
afterwards gave his hand in marriage.
Nearly everybody in America, except Dr. Mary Walker, was once a poor
boy.

CHAPTER XVI.
THE CRITICAL PERIOD.

Ethan Allen and Benedict Arnold on the 10th of May led two small
companies to Ticonderoga, a strong fortress tremendously fortified, and
with its name also across the front door. Ethan Allen, a brave Vermonter
born in Connecticut, entered the sally-port, and was shot at by a guard
whose musket failed to report. Allen entered and demanded the surrender of
the fortress.
"By whose authority?" asked the commandant.
"By the authority of the Great Jehovah and the Continental Congress," said
Allen, brandishing his naked sword at a great rate.
"Very well," said the officer: "if you put it on those grounds, all right, if you
will excuse the appearance of things. We were just cleaning up, and
everything is by the heels here."
"Never mind," said Allen, who was the soul of politeness. "We put on no
frills at home, and so we are ready to take things as we find them."
The Americans therefore got a large amount of munitions of war, both here
and at Crown Point.
General Washington was now appointed commander-in-chief of all the
troops at the second session of the Continental Congress. On his arrival at
Boston there were only fourteen thousand men. He took command under
the historic elm at Cambridge. He was dressed in a blue broadcloth coat
with flaps and revers of same, trimmed with large beautiful buttons. He also
wore buff small-clothes, with openings at the sides where pockets are now
put in, but at that time given up to space. They were made in such a way as
to prevent the naked eye from discovering at once whether he was in
advance or retreat. He also wore silk stockings and a cocked hat.

The lines of Dryden starting off "Mark his majestic fabric" were suggested
by his appearance and general style. He always dressed well and rode a
good horse, but at Valley Forge frosted his feet severely, and could have
drawn a pension, "but no," said he, "I can still work at light employment,
like being President, and so I will not ask for a pension."
Each soldier had less than nine cartridges, but Washington managed to keep
General Gage penned up in Boston, and, as Gage knew very few people
there, it was a dull winter for him.
The boys of Boston had built snow hills on the Common, and used to slide
down them to the ice below, but the British soldiers tore down their
coasting-places and broke up the ice on the pond.
They stood it a long time, rebuilding their playground as often as it was torn
down, until the spirit of American freedom could endure it no longer. They
then organized a committee consisting of eight boys who were noted for
their great philosophical research, and with Charles Sumner Muzzy, the
eloquent savant from Milk Street, as chairman, the committee started for
General Gage's head-quarters, to confer with him regarding the matter.

INTELLECTUAL TRIUMPH OF THE YOUTH OF BOSTON OVER GENERAL GAGE.

In the picture Mr. Muzzy is seen addressing General Gage. The boy in the
centre with the colored glasses is Marco Bozzaris Cobb, who discovered
and first brought into use the idea of putting New Orleans molasses into
Boston brown bread. To the left of Mr. Cobb is Mr. Jehoab Nye, who
afterwards became the Rev. Jehoab Nye and worked with heart and voice
for over eight of the best years of his life against the immorality of the
codfish-ball, before he learned of its true relations towards society.
Above and between these two stands Whomsoever J. Opper, who wrote
"How to make the Garden Pay" and "What Responsible Person will see that
my Grave is kept green?" In the background we see the tall form of
Wherewithal G. Lumpy, who introduced the Pompadour hair-cut into
Massachusetts and grew up to be a great man with enlarged joints but
restricted ideas.
Charles Sumner Muzzy addressed General Gage at some length, somewhat
to the surprise of Gage, who admitted in a few well-chosen words that the
committee was right, and that if he had his way about it there should be no
more trouble.
Charles was followed by Marco Bozzaris Cobb, who spoke briefly of the
boon of liberty, closing as follows: "We point with pride, sir, to the love of
freedom, which is about the only excitement we have. We love our country,
sir, whether we love anything else much or not. The distant wanderer of
American birth, sir, pines for his country. 'Oh, give me back,' he goes on to
say, 'my own fair land across the bright blue sea, the land of beauty and of
worth, the bright land of the free, where tyrant foot hath never trod, nor
bigot forged a chain. Oh, would that I were safely back in that bright land
again!'"
Mr. Wherewithal G. Lumpy said he had hardly expected to be called upon,
and so had not prepared himself, but this occasion forcibly brought to his
mind the words also of the poet, "Our country stands," said he, "with
outstretched hands appealing to her boys; from them must flow her weal or
woe, her anguish or her joys. A ship she rides on human tides which rise
and sink anon: each giant wave may prove her grave, or bear her nobly on.
The friends of right, with armor bright, a valiant Christian band, through
God her aid may yet be made, a blessing to our land."

General Gage was completely
overcome, and asked for a moment to
go apart and think it over, which he did,
returning with an air which reminded
one of "Ten Nights in a Bar-Room."
"You may go, my brave boys; and be
assured that if my troops molest you in
the future, or anywhere else, I will
overpower them and strew the Common
with their corses.
"Of corse he will," said the hairy boy to
the right of Whomsoever J. Opper, who
GENERAL GAGE THINKING IT OVER.
afterwards became the father of a lad
who grew up to be editor of the
Persiflage column of the Atlantic Monthly.
Thus the boys of America impressed General Gage with their courage and
patriotism and grew up to be good men.
An expedition to Canada was
fitted out the same winter, and
an attack made on Quebec, in
which General Montgomery was
killed and Benedict Arnold
showed that he was a brave
soldier, no matter how the
historian may have hopped on
him afterwards.
The Americans should not have
tried to take Canada. Canada
was, as Henry Clay once said, a
persimmon a trifle too high for
the American pole, and it is the LORD HOWE FELT THE COLD VERY KEENLY.
belief of the historian, whose
tears have often wet the pages of this record, that in the future Canada will
be what America is now, a free country with a national debt of her own, a

flag of her own, an executive of her own, and a regular annual crisis of her
own, like other nations.
In 1776 Boston was evacuated. Washington, in order to ascertain whether
Lord Howe had a call to fish, cut bait, or go ashore, began to fortify
Dorchester Heights, March 17, and on the following morning he was not a
little surprised to note the change. As the weather was raw, and he had been
in-doors a good deal during the winter, Lord Howe felt the cold very keenly.
He went to the window and looked at the Americans, but he would come
back chilly and ill-tempered to the fire each time. Finally he hitched up and
went away to Halifax, where he had acquaintances.
On June 28 an attack was made by the English on Fort Moultrie. It was
built of palmetto logs, which are said to be the best thing in the world to
shoot into if one wishes to recover the balls and use them again. Palmetto
logs accept and retain balls for many years, and are therefore good for forts.
When the fleet got close enough to the fort so that the brave Charlestonians
could see the expression on the admiral's face, they turned loose with
everything they had, grape, canister, solid shot, chain-shot, bar-shot, stove-
lids, muffin-irons, newspaper cuts, etc., etc., so that the decks were swept of
every living thing except the admiral.

JEFFERSON DICTATING THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

General Clinton by land tried to draw the attention of the rear gunners of
the fort, but he was a poor draughtsman, and so retired, and both the land
and naval forces quit Charleston and went to New York, where board was
not so high.

FAC-SIMILE OF DICTATION.

July 4 was deemed a good time to write a Declaration
of Independence and have it read in the grove.
Richard Henry Lee, of Virginia, moved that "the
United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and
Independent states." John Adams, of Massachusetts,
seconded the resolution. This was passed July 2, and
the report of the committee appointed to draw up a
Declaration of Independence was adopted July 4.
The Declaration was dictated by Thomas Jefferson,
who wrote the most melodious English of any
American of his time.
Jefferson had a vocabulary next to Noah Webster, with
all the dramatic power of Dan. He composed the piece
one evening after his other work. We give a facsimile
of the opening lines.
Philadelphia was a scene of great excitement. The
streets were thronged, and people sat down on the nice
clean door-steps with perfect recklessness, although
the steps had just been cleaned with ammonia and
wiped off with a chamois-skin. It was a day long to be
remembered, and one that made George III. wish that RINGING THE
LIBERTY BELL.
he had reconsidered his birth.
In the steeple of the old State-House was a bell which had fortunately upon
it the line "Proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants
thereof." It was rung by the old man in charge, though he had lacked faith
up to that moment in Congress. He believed that Congress would not pass
the resolution and adopt the Declaration till after election.
Thus was the era of good feeling inaugurated both North and South. There
was no North then, no South, no East, no West; just one common country,
with Washington acting as father of same. Oh, how nice it must have been!

Washington was one of the sweetest men in the United States. He gave his
hand in marriage to a widow woman who had two children and a dark red
farm in Virginia.

CHAPTER XVII.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END.

The British army now numbered thirty thousand troops, while Washington's
entire command was not over seven thousand strong. The Howes, one a
general and the other an admiral, now turned their attention to New York.
Washington, however, was on the ground beforehand.
Howe's idea was to first capture Brooklyn, so that he could have a place in
which to sleep at nights while engaged in taking New York.
The battle was brief. Howe attacked the little army in front, while General
Clinton got around by a circuitous route to the rear of the Colonial troops
and cut them off. The Americans lost one thousand men by death or
capture. The prisoners were confined in the old sugar-house on Liberty
Street, where they suffered the most miserable and indescribable deaths.
The army of the Americans fortunately escaped by Fulton Ferry in a fog,
otherwise it would have been obliterated. Washington now fortified Harlem
Heights, and later withdrew to White Plains. Afterwards he retired to a
fortified camp called North Castle.
Howe feared to attack him there, and so sent the Hessians, who captured
Fort Washington, November 16.
It looked scaly for the Americans, as Motley says, and Philadelphia bade
fair to join New York and other cities held by the British. The English van
could be seen from the Colonial rear column. The American troops were
almost barefooted, and left their blood-stained tracks on the frozen road.
It was at this time that Washington crossed the Delaware and thereby found
himself on the other side; while Howe decided to remain, as the river was
freezing, and when the ice got strong enough, cross over and kill the
Americans at his leisure. Had he followed the Colonial army, it is quite sure
now that the English would have conquered, and the author would have

been the Duke of Sandy Bottom, instead of a
plain American citizen, unknown, unhonored,
and unsung.
Washington decided that he must strike a
daring blow while his troops had any hope or
vitality left; and so on Christmas night, after
crossing the Delaware as shown elsewhere,
he fell on the Hessians at Trenton in the midst
of their festivities, captured one thousand
prisoners, and slew the leader.
The Hessians were having a symposium at
the time, and though the commander received
an important note of warning during the NYE AS THE
Christmas dinner, he thrust it into his pocket DUKE OF SANDY BOTTOM.
and bade joy be unconfined.
When daylight came, the Hessians were mostly moving in alcoholic circles
trying to find their guns. Washington lost only four men, and two of those
were frozen to death.
The result of this fight gave the Colonists courage and taught them at the
same time that it would be best to avoid New Jersey symposiums till after
the war was over.
Having made such a hit in crossing the Delaware, Washington decided to
repeat the performance on the 3d of January. He was attacked at Trenton by
Cornwallis, who is known in history for his justly celebrated surrender. He
waited till morning, having been repulsed at sundown. Washington left his
camp-fires burning, surrounded the British, captured two hundred prisoners,
and got away to Morristown Heights in safety. If the ground had not frozen,
General Washington could not have moved his forty cannon; but,
fortunately, the thermometer was again on his side, and he never lost a gun.
September 11 the English got into the Chesapeake, and Washington
announced in the papers that he would now fight the battle of the
Brandywine, which he did.

THE COLONIAL SURPRISE-PARTY AT TRENTON.

Marie Jean Paul Roch Yves Gilbert Motier, Marquis de La Fayette, fought
bravely with the Americans in this battle, twice having his name shot from
under him.
The patriots were routed, scoring a goose-egg and losing Philadelphia.
October 4, Washington attacked the enemy at Germantown, and was beaten
back just as victory was arranging to perch on his banner. Poor Washington
now retired to Valley Forge, where he put in about the dullest winter of his
life.
The English had not been so successful in the North. At first the Americans
could only delay Burgoyne by felling trees in the path of his eight thousand
men, which is a very unsatisfactory sort of warfare, but at last Schuyler,
who had borne the burden and heat of the day, was succeeded by Gates, and
good luck seemed to come slowly his way.
A foolish boy with bullet-holes cut in his clothes ran into St. Leger's troops,
and out of breath told them to turn back or they would fill a drunkard's
grave. Officers asked him about the numbers of the enemy, and he pointed

to the leaves of the trees, shrieked, and ran for his life. He ran several days,
and was barely able to keep ahead of St. Leger's troops by a neck.
Burgoyne at another time sent a detachment under Colonel Baum to take
the stores at Bennington, Vermont. He was met by General Stark and the
militia. Stark said, "Here come the redcoats, and we must beat them to-day,
or Molly Stark is a widow." This neat little remark made an instantaneous
hit, and when they counted up their string of prisoners at night they found
they had six hundred souls and a Hessian.
Burgoyne now felt blue and unhappy. Besides, his troops were covered with
wood-ticks and had had no washing done for three weeks.
He moved southward and attacked Gates at Bemis Heights, or, as a British
wit had it, "gave Gates ajar," near Saratoga. A wavering fight occupied the
day, and then both armies turned in and fortified for two weeks. Burgoyne
saw that he was running out of food, and so was first to open fire.
Arnold, who had been deprived of his command since the last battle,
probably to prevent his wiping out the entire enemy and getting promoted,
was so maddened by the conflict that he dashed in before Gates could put
him in the guard-house, and at the head of his old command, and without
authority or hat, led the attack. Gates did not dare to come where Arnold
was, to order him back, for it was a very warm place where Arnold was at
the time. The enemy was thus driven to camp.
Arnold was shot in the same leg that was wounded at Quebec; so he was
borne back to the extreme rear, where he found Gates eating a doughnut and
speaking disrespectfully of Arnold.
A council was now held in Burgoyne's tent, and on the question of renewing
the fight stood six to six, when an eighteen-pound hot shot went through the
tent, knocking a stylographic pen out of General Burgoyne's hand. Almost
at once he decided to surrender, and the entire army of six thousand men
was surrendered, together with arms, portable bath-tubs, and leather hat-
boxes. The Americans marched into their camp to the tune of Yankee
Doodle, which is one of the most impudent compositions ever composed.

KNOCKING A STYLOGRAPHIC PEN OUT OF BURGOYNE'S HAND.

During the Valley Forge winter (1777-78) Continental currency depreciated
in value so that an officer's pay would not buy his clothes. Many, having
also spent their private funds for the prosecution of the war, were obliged to
resign and hire out in the lumber woods in order to get food for their
families. Troops had no blankets, and straw was not to be had. It was
extremely sad; but there was no wavering. Officers were approached by the
enemy with from one hundred to one thousand pounds if they would accept
and use their influence to effect a reconciliation; but, with blazing eye and
unfaltering attitude, each stated that he was not for sale, and returned to his
frozen mud-hole to rest and dream of food and freedom.
Those were the untitled nobility from whom we sprung. Let us look over
our personal record and see if we are living lives that are worthy of such
heroic sires.
Five minutes will now be given the reader to make a careful examination of
his personal record.

* * * * * *
* * * * * *

In the spring the joyful news came across the sea that, through the efforts of
Benjamin Franklin, France had acknowledged the independence of the
United States, and a fleet was on the way to assist the struggling troops.

The battle of Monmouth occurred June 28. Clinton succeeded Howe, and,
alarmed by the news of the French fleet, the government ordered Clinton to
concentrate his troops near New York, where there were better facilities for
getting home.
Washington followed the enemy across New Jersey, overtaking them at
Monmouth. Lee was in command, and got his men tangled in a swamp
where the mosquitoes were quite plenty, and, losing courage, ordered a
retreat.
Washington arrived at that moment, and bitterly upbraided Lee. He used the
Flanders method of upbraiding, it is said, and Lee could not stand it. He
started towards the enemy in preference to being there with Washington,
who was still rebuking him. The fight was renewed, and all day long they
fought. When night came, Clinton took his troops with him and went away
where they could be by themselves.
An effort was made to get up a fight between the French fleet and the
English at Newport for the championship, but a severe storm came up and
prevented it.
In July the Wyoming Massacre, under the management of the Tories and
Indians, commanded by Butler, took place in that beautiful valley near
Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania.
This massacre did more to make the Indians and Tories unpopular in this
country than any other act of the war. The men were away in the army, and
the women, children, and old men alone were left to the vengeance of the
two varieties of savage. The Indians had never had gospel privileges, but
the Tories had. Otherwise they resembled each other.
In 1779 the English seemed to have Georgia and the South pretty well to
themselves. Prevost, the English general, made an attack on Charleston, but,
learning that Lincoln was after him, decided that, as he had a telegram to
meet a personal friend at Savannah, he would go there. In September,
Lincoln, assisted by the French under D'Estaing, attacked Savannah. One
thousand lives were lost, and D'Estaing showed the white feather to
advantage. Count Pulaski lost his life in this fight. He was a brave Polish
patriot, and his body was buried in the Savannah River.

The capture of Stony Point about this time by "Mad Anthony Wayne" was
one of the most brilliant battles of the war.

THE ONLY THING WAYNE WAS AFRAID OF.

Learning the countersign from a negro who sold strawberries to the British,
the troops passed the guard over the bridge that covered the marsh, and,
gagging the worthy inside guard, they marched up the hill with fixed
bayonets and fixed the enemy to the number of six hundred.
The countersign was, "The fort is won," and so it was, in less time than it
takes to ejaculate the word "scat!" Wayne was wounded at the outset, but
was carried up the hill in command, with a bandage tied about his head. He
was a brave man, and never knew in battle what fear was. Yet, strange to
say, a bat in his bed would make him start up and turn pale.

CHAPTER XVIII.
THE CLOSE OF THE REVOLUTION.

The atrocities introduced into this country by the Tories and Indians caused
General Sullivan to go out against the measly enemy, whip him near
Elmira, and destroy the fields of corn and villages in the Genesee country,
where the Indian women were engaged in farming while their men-folks
attended to the massacre industry.
The weak point with the
Americans seemed to be lack
of a suitable navy. A navy
costs money, and the
Colonists were poor. In 1775
they fitted out several swift
sailing-vessels, which did
good service. Inside of five
years they captured over five
hundred ships, cruised among
the British isles, and it is
reported that they captured
war-vessels that were tied to
the English wharves.
GENERAL GATES'S PROPER CAREER.
Paul Jones had a method of
running his vessel alongside
the enemy's, lashing the two together, and then having it out with the crew,
generally winning in a canter. His idea in lashing the two ships together was
to have one good ship to ride home on. Generally it was the one he
captured, while his own, which was rotten, was allowed to go down. This
was especially the case in the fight between the Richard and the Serapis,
September 23, 1779.

In 1780 the war was renewed in South Carolina. Charleston, after a forty
days' siege, was forced to surrender. Gates now took charge of the South,
and also gave a sprinting exhibition at Camden, where he was almost wiped
off the face of the earth. He had only two troops left at the close of the
battle, and they could not keep up with Gates in the retreat. This battle and
the retreat overheated Gates and sowed the seeds of heart-disease, from
which he never recovered. He should have chosen a more peaceful life,
such as the hen-traffic, or the growth of asparagus for the market.
Benedict Arnold has been severely reproached in history, but he was a brave
soldier, and possibly serving under Gates, who jealously kept him in the
background, had a good deal to do with the little European dicker which so
darkened his brilliant career as a soldier.

ARNOLD'S RECEPTION IN ENGLAND.

Unhappy man! He was not well received in England, and, though a brilliant
man, was forced to sit in a corner evening after evening and hear the
English tell his humorous stories as their own.
The Carolinas were full of Tories, and opposition to English rule was
practically abandoned in the South for the time, with the exception of that
made in a desultory swamp-warfare by the partisan bands with such leaders
as Marion, Sumter, and Pickens.

Two hundred thousand dollars of Continental money was the sum now out.
Forty dollars of it would buy one dollar's worth of groceries; but the grocer
had to know the customer pretty well, and even then it was more to
accommodate than anything else that he sold at that price.
The British flooded the country with a counterfeit that was rather better-
looking than the genuine: so that by the time a man had paid six hundred
dollars for a pair of boots, and the crooked bills had been picked out and
others substituted, it made him feel that starting a republic was a mighty
unpopular job.
General Arnold had married a Tory lady, and lived in Philadelphia while
recovering from his wounds received at Quebec and Saratoga. He was
rather a high roller, and ran behind, so that it is estimated that his bills there
per month required a peach-basket-full of currency with which to pay them,
as the currency was then quoted. Besides, Gates had worried him, and made
him think that patriotism was mostly politics. He was also overbearing, and
the people of Philadelphia mobbed him once. He was reprimanded gently
by Washington, but Arnold was haughty and yet humiliated. He got
command of West Point, a very important place indeed, and then arranged
with Clinton to swap it for six thousand three hundred and fifteen pounds
and a colonelcy in the English army.
Major André was appointed to confer with Arnold, and got off the ship
Vulture to make his way to the appointed place, but it was daylight by that
time, and the Vulture, having been fired on, dropped down the river. André
now saw no way for him but to get back to New York; but at Tarrytown he
was met by three patriots, who caught his horse by the reins, and, though
André tried to tip them, he did not succeed. They found papers on his
person, among them a copy of Punch, which made them suspicious that he
was not an American, and so he was tried and hanged as a spy. This was one
of the saddest features of the American Revolution, and should teach us to
be careful how we go about in an enemy's country, also to use great care in
selecting and subscribing for papers.
In 1781, Greene, who succeeded Gates, took charge of the two thousand
ragged and bony troops. January 17 he was attacked at Cowpens by
Tarleton. The militia fell back, and the English made a grand charge,

supposing victory to be within reach. But the wily and foxy troops turned at
thirty yards and gave the undertaking business a boom that will never be
forgotten.
Morgan was in command of the Colonial forces. He went on looking for
more regulars to kill, but soon ran up against Cornwallis the surrenderer.
General Greene now joined Morgan, and took charge of the retreat. At the
Yadkin River they crossed over ahead of Cornwallis, when it began for to
rain. When Cornwallis came to the river he found it so swollen and restless
that he decided not to cross. Later he crossed higher up, and made for the
fords of the Dan at thirty miles a day, to head off the Americans. Greene
beat him, however, by a length, and saved his troops.
The writer has seen the place on the Yadkin where Cornwallis decided not
to cross. It was one of the pivotal points of the war, and is of about medium
height.
A fight followed at Guilford Court-House, where the Americans were
driven back, but the enemy got thinned out so noticeably that Cornwallis
decided to retreat. He went back to Washington on a Bull Run schedule,
without pausing even for feed or water. Cornwallis was greatly agitated, and
the coat he wore at the time, and now shown in the Smithsonian Institution,
shows distinctly the marks made where the Colonists played checkers on
the tail.
The battle of Eutaw Springs, September 8, also greatly reduced the British
forces at that point.
Arnold conducted a campaign into Virginia, and was very brutal about it,
killing a great many people who were strangers to him, and who had never
harmed him, not knowing him, as the historian says, from "Adam's off ox."
Cornwallis in this Virginia and Southern trip destroyed ten million dollars'
worth of property, and then fortified himself at Yorktown.
Washington decided to besiege Yorktown, and, making a feint to fool
Clinton, set out for that place, visiting Mount Vernon en route after an
absence of six and a half years, though only stopping two days. Washington
was a soldier in the true sense, and, when a lad, was given a little hatchet by

his father. George cut down some cherry-trees with this, in order to get the
cherries without climbing the trees. One day his father discovered that the
trees had been cut down, and spoke of it to the lad.
"Yes," said George, "I did it with my
little hatchet; but I would rather cut
down a thousand cherry-trees and tell
the truth about it than be punished for
it."
"Well said, my brave boy!" exclaimed
the happy father as he emptied
George's toy bank into his pocket in
payment for the trees. "You took the
words right out of my mouth."
In speaking of the siege of Yorktown,
the historian says, "The most hearty
good will prevailed." What more could
you expect of a siege than that?
Cornwallis capitulated October 19. It GEORGE'S FATHER TAKING PAY
FOR THE CHERRY-TREES.
was the most artistic capitulation he
had ever given. The troops were
arranged in two lines facing each other, British and American with their
allies the French under Rochambeau.
People came from all over the country who had heard of Cornwallis and his
wonderful genius as a capitulator. They came for miles, and brought their
lunches with them; but the general, who felt an unnecessary pique towards
Washington, refused to take part in the exercises himself, claiming that by
the advice of his physicians he would have to remain in his tent, as they
feared that he had over-capitulated himself already. He therefore sent his
sword by General O'Hara, and Washington turned it over to Lincoln, who
had been obliged to surrender to the English at Charleston.
The news reached Philadelphia in the night, and when the watchman cried,
"Past two o'clock, and Cornwallis is taken!" the people arose and went and
prayed and laughed like lunatics, for they regarded the war as virtually

ended. The old door-keeper of
Congress died of delight.
Thanks were returned to
Almighty God, and George
Washington's nomination was
a sure thing.
England decided that whoever
counselled war any further
was a public enemy, and Lord
North, then prime minister,
when he heard of the
surrender of Cornwallis
CORNWALLIS SENDING HIS through a New York paper,
SWORD BY GENERAL O'HARA. exclaimed, "Oh, God! it is all
over!"
Washington now showed his sagacity in quelling the fears of the soldiers
regarding their back pay. He was invited to become king, but, having had
no practice, and fearing that he might run against a coup d'état or faux pas,
he declined, and spoke kindly against taking violent measures.
In 1783, September 3, a treaty of peace was signed in Paris, and
Washington, delivering the most successful farewell address ever penned,
retired to Mount Vernon, where he began at once to enrich his farm with the
suggestions he had received during his absence, and to calmly take up the
life that had been interrupted by the tedious and disagreeable war.
The country was free and independent, but, oh, how ignorant it was about
the science of government! The author does not wish to be personal when
he states that the country at that time did not know enough about affairs to
carry water for a circus elephant.
It was heavily in debt, with no power to raise money. New England refused
to pay her poll-tax, and a party named Shays directed his hired man to
overturn the government; but a felon broke out on his thumb, and before he
could put it down the crisis was averted and the country saved.

WASHINGTON BEGAN AT ONCE TO ENRICH HIS FARM.

CHAPTER XIX.
THE FIRST PRESIDENT.

It now became the duty of the new republic to seek out the man to preside
over it, and George Washington seems to have had no rivals. He rather
reluctantly left his home at Mount Vernon, where he was engaged in trying
the rotation of crops, and solemnly took the oath to support the Constitution
of the United States, which had been adopted September 17, 1787. His trip
in April, 1789, from Mount Vernon to the seat of government in New York
was a simple but beautiful ovation.
Everybody tried to make it pleasant for him. He was asked at all the towns
to build there, and 'most everybody wanted him "to come and make their
house his home." When he got to the ferry he was not pushed off into the
water by commuters, but lived to reach the Old Federal Hall, where he was
sworn in.
In 1791 the seat of government was removed to Philadelphia, where it
remained for ten years, after which the United States took advantage of the
Homestead Act and located on a tract of land ten miles square, known as the
District of Columbia. In 1846 that part of the District lying on the Virginia
side of the Potomac was ceded back to the State.
President Washington did not have to escape from the capital to avoid
office-seekers. He could get on a horse at his door and in five minutes be
out of sight. He could remain in the forest back of his house until Martha
blew the horn signifying that the man who wanted the post-office at
Pigback had gone, and then he could return.
How times have changed with the growth of the republic! Now Pigback has
grown so that the name has been changed to Hogback, and the President
avails himself of every funeral that he can possibly feel an interest in, to
leave the swarm of jobless applicants who come to pester him to death for
appointments.

The historian begs leave to say here
that the usefulness of the President
for the good of his country and the
consideration of greater questions
will some day be reduced to very
little unless he may be able to avoid
this effort to please voters who
overestimate their greatness.
It is said that Washington had no
library, which accounted for his
MARTHA BLEW THE HORN. originality. He was a vestryman in
the Episcopal Church; and to see his
tall and graceful form as he moved about from pew to pew collecting pence
for Home Missions, was a lovely sight.
As a boy he was well behaved and a careful student.
At one time he was given a hatchet by his father, which——
But what has the historian to do with this morbid wandering in search of
truth?
Things were very much unsettled. England had not sent a minister to this
country, and had arranged no commercial treaty with us.
Washington's Cabinet consisted of three portfolios and a rack in which he
kept his flute-music.
The three ministers were the Secretary of State, the Secretary of War, and
the Secretary of the Treasury. There was no Attorney-General, or
Postmaster-General, or Secretary of the Interior, or of the Navy, or Seed
Catalogue Secretary.
Hamilton, the Secretary of the Treasury, advised that Congress at the
earliest moment provide itself with a national debt, which was done, the
war debt being assumed by the Congressional representatives of the thirteen
Colonies.

A tax was levied on spirits, and a mint started, combining the two, and
making the mint encourage the consumption of spirits, and thus the increase
of the tax, very likely.
A Whiskey Rebellion broke out in 1794. Pennsylvania especially rebelled at
the tax on this grocery, but it was put down. (Those wishing to know which
was put down will find out by consulting the Appendix, which will be
issued a year from this winter.)
A few Indian wars now kept the people interested, and a large number of
the red brothers, under Little Turtle, soon found themselves in the soup, as
Washington put it so tersely in his message the following year. Twenty-five
thousand square miles north of the Ohio were obtained by treaty from the
Indians.
England claimed that traffic with America was not desirable, as the
Americans did not pay their debts. Possibly that was true, for muskrat pelts
were low at that time, and England refused to take cord-wood and saw-logs
piled on the New York landing as cash.
Chief-Justice Jay was sent to London to confer with the king, which he did.
He was not invited, however, to come to the house during his stay, and the
queen did not call on Mrs. Jay. The Jays have never recovered from this
snub, and are still gently guyed by the comic papers.
But the treaty was negotiated, and now the Americans are said to pay their
debts as well as the nobility who marry our American girls instead of going
into bankruptcy, as some would do.
The Mississippi and the Mediterranean Sea were opened for navigation to
American vessels now, and things looked better, for we could by this means
exchange our cranberries for sugar and barter our Indian relics for camel's-
hair shawls, of which the pioneers were very much in need during the
rigorous winters in the North.
The French now had a difficulty with England, and Washington, who still
remembered La Fayette and the generous aid of the French, wished that he
was back at Mount Vernon, working out his poll-tax on the Virginia roads,
for he was in a tight place.

It was now thought best to have two political parties, in order to enliven
editorial thought and expression. So the Republican party, headed by
Jefferson, Madison, and Randolph, and the Federalist party, led by
Hamilton and Adams, were organized, and public speakers were engaged
from a distance.
The latter party supported the administration,—which was not so much of a
job as it has been several times since.
Washington declined to accept a third term, and wrote a first-rate farewell
address. A lady, whose name is withheld, writing of those times, closes by
saying that President Washington was one of the sweetest men she ever
knew.

OIL THE GEARING OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.

John Adams succeeded Washington as President, and did not change his
politics to amount to much.
He made a good record as Congressman, but lost it as President largely
because of his egotism. He seemed to think that if he neglected to oil the
gearing of the solar system about so often, it would stop running. We should
learn from this to be humble even when we are in authority. Adams and
Jefferson were good friends during the Revolution, but afterwards political
differences estranged them till they returned to private life. Adams was a
poor judge of men, and offended several members of the press who called
on him to get his message in advance.
Our country was on the eve of a war with France, when Napoleon I. was
made Consul, and peace followed.
Adams's administration made the Federalists unpopular, owing to the Alien
and Sedition laws, and Jefferson was elected the successor of Adams, Burr
running as Vice-President with him. The election was so close that it went
to the House, however.
Jefferson, or the Sage of Monticello, was a good President, noted for his
simplicity. He married and brought his bride home to Monticello prior to
this. She had to come on horseback about one hundred miles, and, as the
house was unfinished and no servants there, they had to sleep on the work-
bench and eat what was left of the carpenter's lunch.
Jeffersonian simplicity was his strong point, and people who called at the
White House often found him sprinkling the floor of his office, or trying to
start a fire with kerosene.
Burr was Vice-President, and, noticing at once that the office did not attract
any attention to speak of, decided to challenge Mr. Alexander Hamilton to
fight a duel with him.

TRYING TO START A FIRE WITH KEROSENE.

The affair took place at Weehawken, July 11, 1804. Hamilton fell at the first
fire, on the same spot where his eldest son had been killed in the same way.
The artist has shown us how Burr and Hamilton should have fought, but,
alas! they were not progressive men and did not realize this till too late.
Another method would have been to use the bloodless method of the French
duel, or the newspaper customs adopted by the pugilists of 1893. The time
is approaching when mortal combat in America will be confined to
belligerent people under the influence of liquor. A newspaper assault instead
of a duel might have made Burr President and Hamilton Vice-President.

THE MODERN WAY OF SETTLING DIFFERENCES.

Burr went West, and was afterwards accused of treason on the ground that
he was trying to organize Mexico against the United States government. He
was put in a common jail to await trial. Afterwards he was discharged, but
was never again on good terms with the government, and never rose again.
When he came into town and registered at the hotel the papers did not say
anything about it; and so he stopped taking them, thus falling into ignorance
and oblivion at the same moment, although at one time he had lacked but a
single vote to make him President of the United States.
England and France still continued at war, and American vessels were in hot
water a good deal, as they were liable to be overhauled by both parties.
England especially, with the excuse that she was looking for deserters,
stopped American vessels and searched them, going through the sleeping-
apartments before the work was done up,—one of the rudest things known
in international affairs.

NOT TOO HAUGHTY TO HAVE FUN SOMETIMES.

An Embargo Act was passed forbidding American vessels to leave port, an
act which showed that the bray of the ass had begun to echo through the
halls of legislation even at that early day.
In the mean time, Jefferson had completed his second term, and James
Madison, the Republican candidate, had succeeded him at the helm of state,
as it was then called.
His party favored a war with England, especially as the British had begun
again to stir up the red brother.
Madison was a Virginian. He was a man of unblemished character, and was
not too haughty to have fun sometimes. This endeared him to the whole
nation. Unlike Adams, he never swelled up so that his dignity hurt him
under the arms. He died in 1836, genial and sunny to the last.

It was now thought best to bring on the war
of 1812, which began by an Indian attack at
Tippecanoe on General Harrison's troops in
1811, when the Indians were defeated. June
19, 1812, war was finally declared.
The first battle was between the forces
under General Hull on our side and the
English and Indians on the British side,
near Detroit. The troops faced each other,
Tecumseh being the Indian leader, and both
armies stood ready to have one of the best
battles ever given in public or private,
when General Hull was suddenly overcome
with remorse at the thought of shedding
blood, especially among people who were
SURRENDER OF GENERAL HULL. so common, and, shaking a large table-
cloth out the window in token of peace,
amid the tears of his men, surrendered his entire command in a way that
reminded old settlers very much of Cornwallis.

CHAPTER XX.
THE WAR WITH CANADA.

October 13, General Van Rensselaer crossed the Niagara River and attacked
the British at Queenstown Heights. The latter retreated, and General Brock
was killed. General Van Rensselaer went back after the rest of his troops,
but they refused to cross, on the ground that the general had no right to take
them out of the United States, and thus the troops left in charge at the
Heights were compelled to surrender.
These troops who refused to go over and accept a victory already won for
them, because they didn't want to cross the Canadian line, would not have
shied so at the boundary if they had been boodlers, very likely, in later
years.
August 19 occurred the naval fight between the Constitution and Guerriere,
off the Massachusetts coast. The Constitution, called "Old Ironsides," was
commanded by Captain Isaac Hull. The Guerriere was first to attack, but
got no reply until both vessels were very close together, when into her
starboard Captain Hull poured such a load of hardware that the Guerriere
was soon down by the head and lop-sided on the off side. She surrendered,
but was of no value, being so full of holes that she would not hold a cargo
of railroad-trestles.

IF THEY HAD BEEN BOODLERS.

The economy used by the early American warriors by land and sea
regarding their ammunition, holding their fire until the enemy was at arm's
length, was the cause of more than one victory. They were obliged, indeed,
to make every bullet count in the days when even lead was not produced
here, and powder was imported.
October 13, the naval fight between the Frolic and Wasp took place, off the
North Carolina coast. The Frolic was an English brig, and she wound up as
most frolics do, with a severe pain and a five-dollar fine. After the Wasp
had called and left her R. S. V. P. cards, the decks of the Frolic were a sight
to behold. There were not enough able-bodied men to surrender the ship.
She was captured by the boarding-crew, but there was not a man left of her
own crew to haul down the colors.
Other victories followed on the sea, and American privateers had more fun
than anybody.
Madison was re-elected, thus showing that his style of administration suited
one and all, and the war was prosecuted at a great rate. It became a sort of
fight with Canada, the latter being supported by English arms by land and
sea. Of course the Americans would have preferred to fight England direct,
and many were in favor of attacking London: but when the commanding
officer asked those of the army who had the means to go abroad to please

raise their right hands, it was found that the trip must be abandoned. Those
who had the means to go did not have suitable clothes for making a
respectable appearance, and so it was given up.
Three divisions were made of the army, all having an attack on Canada as
the object in view,—viz., the army of the Centre, the army of the North, and
the army of the West. The armies of the Centre and North did not do much,
aside from the trifling victory at York, and President Madison said
afterwards in a letter to the writer's family that the two armies did not
accomplish enough to pay the duty on them. The army of the West managed
to stand off the British, though the latter still held Michigan and threatened
Ohio.

BUILDING THE FLEET, MEANTIME BOARDING HIMSELF.

September 10, Perry's victory on Lake Erie occurred, and was well
received. Perry was twenty-seven years old, and was given command of a
flotilla on Lake Erie, provided he would cut the timber and build it,
meantime boarding himself. The British had long been in possession of
Lake Erie, and when Perry got his scows afloat they issued invitations for a
general display of carnage. They bore down on Perry and killed all the men

on his flag-ship but eight. Then he helped them fire the last gun, and with
the flag they jumped into a boat which they paddled for the Niagara under a
galling fire. This was the first time that a galling fire had ever been used at
sea. Perry passed within pistol-shot of the British, and in less than a quarter
of an hour after he trod the poop of the Niagara he was able to write to
General Harrison, "We have met the enemy, and they are ours."
Proctor and Tecumseh were at Malden, with English and Indians, preparing
to plunder the frontier and kill some more women and children as soon as
they felt rested up. At the news of Perry's victory, Harrison decided to go
over and stir them up. Arriving at Malden, he found it deserted, and
followed the foe to the river Thames, where he charged with his Kentucky
horsemen right through the British lines and so on down the valley, where
they reformed and started back to charge on their rear, when the whole
outfit surrendered except the Indians. Proctor, however, was mounted on a
tall fox-hunter which ran away with him. He afterwards wrote back to
General Harrison that he made every effort to surrender personally, but that
circumstances prevented. He was greatly pained by this.
The Americans now charged on the Indians, and Johnson, the commander
of the Blue Grass Dragoons, fired a shot which took Tecumseh just west of
the watch-pocket. He died, he said, tickled to death to know that he had
been shot by an American.

PROCTOR ON A TALL FOX-HUNTER WHICH RAN AWAY WITH HIM.

Captain Lawrence, of the Hornet, having taken the British brig Peacock,
was given command of the Chesapeake, which he took to Boston to have
repaired. While there, he got a challenge from the Shannon. He put to sea
with half a crew, and a shot in his chest—that is, the arm-chest of the ship—
burst the whole thing open and annoyed every one on board. The enemy
boarded the Chesapeake and captured her, so Captain Lawrence, her brave
commander, breathed his last, after begging his men not to give up the ship.
However, the victories on the Canadian border settled the war once more
for the time, and cheered the Americans very much.
The Indians in 1813 fell upon Fort Mimms and massacred the entire
garrison, men, women, and children, not because they felt a personal
antipathy towards them, but because they—the red brothers—had sold their
lands too low and their hearts were sad in their bosoms. There is really no
fun in trading with an Indian, for he is devoid of business instincts, and
reciprocity with the red brother has never been a success.
General Jackson took some troops and attacked the red brother, killing six
hundred of him and capturing the rest of the herd. Jackson did not want to
hear the Indians speak pieces and see them smoke the pipe of peace, but

buried the dead and went home. He had very little of the romantic
complaint which now and then breaks out regarding the Indian, but knew
full well that all the Indians ever born on the face of the earth could not
compensate for the cruel and violent death of one good, gentle, patient
American mother.
Admiral Cockburn now began to pillage the coast of the Southern States
and borrow communion services from the churches of Virginia and the
Carolinas. He also murdered the sick in their beds.
Perhaps a word of apology is due the Indians after all. Possibly they got
their ideas from Cockburn.
The battle of Lundy's Lane had been arranged for July 25, 1814, and so the
Americans crossed Niagara under General Brown to invade Canada.
General Winfield Scott led the advance, and gained a brilliant victory, July
5, at Chippewa. The second engagement was at Lundy's Lane, within the
sound of the mighty cataract. Old man Lundy, whose lane was used for the
purpose, said that it was one of the bloodiest fights, by a good many
gallons, that he ever attended. The battle was, however, barren of results,
the historian says, though really an American victory from the stand-point
of the tactician and professional gore-spiller.
In September, Sir George Prevost took twelve
thousand veteran troops who had served under
Wellington, and started for Plattsburg. The ships of
the British at the same time opened fire on the
nine-dollar American navy, and were almost
annihilated. The troops under Prevost started in to
fight, but, learning of the destruction of the British
fleet on Lake Champlain, Prevost fled like a
frightened fawn, leaving his sick and wounded and
large stores of lime-juice, porridge, and plum-
pudding. The Americans, who had been living on
chopped horse-feed and ginseng-root, took a week
off and gave themselves up to the false joys of
lime-juice and general good feeling.
HIS RAINBOW SMILE.

Along the coast the British destroyed everything they could lay their hands
on; but perhaps the rudest thing they did was to enter Washington and burn
the Capitol, the Congressional library, and the smoke-house in which
President Madison kept his hams. Even now, when the writer is a guest of
some great English dignitary, and perhaps at table picking the "merry-
thought" of a canvas-back duck, the memory of this thing comes over him,
and, burying his face in the costly napery, he gives himself up to grief until
kind words and a celery-glass-full of turpentine, or something, bring back
his buoyancy and rainbow smile. The hospitality and generous treatment of
our English brother to Americans now is something beautiful, unaffected,
and well worth a voyage across the qualmy sea to see, but when Cockburn
burned down the Capitol and took the President's sugar-cured hams he did a
rude act.

CHAPTER XXI.
THE ADVANCE OF THE REPUBLIC.

The administration now began to suffer at the hands of the people, many of
whom criticised the conduct of the war and that of the President also.
People met at Hartford and spoke so harshly that the Hartford Federalist
obtained a reputation which clung to him for many years.
There being no cable in those days, the peace by Treaty of Ghent was not
heard of in time to prevent the battle of New Orleans, January 8, 1815, there
having been two weeks of peace as a matter of fact when this hot and fatal
battle was fought.
General Pakenham, with a force of twelve thousand men by sea and land,
attacked the city. The land forces found General Jackson intrenched several
miles below the city. He had used cotton for fortifications at first, but a hot
shot had set a big bunch of it on fire and rolled it over towards the powder-
supplies, so that he did not use cotton any more.
General Pakenham was met by the solid phalanx of Tennessee and
Kentucky riflemen, who reserved their fire, as usual, until the loud uniform
of the English could be distinctly heard, when they poured into their ranks a
galling fire, as it was so tersely designated at the time. General Pakenham
fell mortally wounded, and his troops were repulsed, but again rallied, only
to be again repulsed. This went on until night, when General Lambert, who
succeeded General Pakenham, withdrew, hopelessly beaten, and with a loss
of over two thousand men.
The United States now found that an honorable peace had been obtained,
and with a debt of $127,000,000 started in to pay it up by instalments,
which was done inside of twenty years from the ordinary revenue.
In the six years following, one State per year was added to the Union, and
all kinds of manufactures were built up to supply the goods that had been

cut off by the blockade during the war. Even the deluge of cheap goods
from abroad after the war did not succeed in breaking these down.
James Monroe was almost unanimously elected. He was generally beloved,
and his administration was, in fact, known as the original "era of good
feeling," since so successfully reproduced especially by the Governors of
North and South Carolina. (See Appendix.)
Through the efforts of Henry Clay, Missouri was admitted as a slave State
in 1821, under the compromise that slavery should not be admitted into any
of the Territories west of the Mississippi and north of parallel 36° 30' N.
Clay was one of the greatest men of his time, and was especially eminent as
an eloquent and magnetic speaker in the days when the record for
eloquence was disputed by the giants of American oratory, and before the
Senate of the United States had become a wealthy club of men whose
speeches are rarely printed except at so much per column, paid in advance.
Clay was the original patentee of the slogan for campaign use.
Lafayette revisited this country in 1819, and was greeted with the greatest
hospitality. He visited the grave of Washington, and tenderly spoke of the
grandeur of character shown by his chief.
He was given the use of the Brandywine, a government ship, for his return.
As he stood on the deck of the vessel at Pier 1, North River, his mind again
recurred to Washington, and to those on shore he said that "to show
Washington's love of truth, even as a child, he could tell an interesting
incident of him relating to a little new hatchet given him at the time by his
father." As he reached this point in his remarks, Lafayette noted with
surprise that some one had slipped his cable from shore and his ship was
gently shoved off by people on the pier, while his voice was drowned in the
notes of the New York Oompah Oompah Band as it struck up "Johnny, git
yer Gun."
Florida was ceded to the United States in the same year by Spain, and was
sprinkled over with a light coating of sand for the waves to monkey with.
The Everglades of Florida are not yet under cultivation.

Mr. Monroe became the author of what is now called the "Monroe
doctrine,"—viz., that the effort of any foreign country to obtain dominion in
America would thereafter and forever afterwards be regarded as an
unfriendly act. Rather than be regarded as unfriendly, foreign countries now
refrain from doing their dominion or dynasty work here.
The Whigs now appeared, and the old Republican party became known as
the Democratic party. John Quincy Adams and Henry Clay were Whigs,
and John C. Calhoun and Andrew Jackson were Democrats. The Whigs
favored a high protective tariff and internal improvement. The Democrats
did not favor anything especially, but bitterly opposed the Whig measures,
whatever they were.
In 1825, John Quincy Adams, son of
John Adams, was elected President,
and served one term. He was a bald-
headed man, and the country was
given four years of unexampled
prosperity. Yet this experience has
not been regarded by the people as it
should have been. Other kinds of
men have repeatedly been elected to
that office, only to bring sorrow,
war, debt, and bank-failures upon us.
Sometimes it would seem to the
thinking mind that, as a people, we
need a few car-loads of sense in
each school-district, where it can be
used at a moment's notice.
BALD-HEADED MEN NOT APPRECIATED.
Adams was not re-elected, on
account of his tariff ideas, which were not popular at the South. He was
called "The old man eloquent," and it is said that during his more
impassioned passages his head, which was round and extremely smooth,
became flushed, so that, from resembling the cue-ball on the start, as he
rose to more lofty heights his dome of thought looked more like the spot
ball on a billiard-table. No one else in Congress at that time had succeeded
in doing this.

John Quincy Adams was succeeded in 1829 by Andrew Jackson, the hero of
New Orleans. Jackson was the first to introduce what he called "rotation in
office." During the forty years previous there had been but seventy-four
removals; Jackson made seven hundred. This custom has been pretty
generally adopted since, giving immense satisfaction to those who thrive
upon the excitement of offensive partisanship and their wives' relations,
while those who have legitimate employment and pay taxes support and
educate a new official kindergarten with every change of administration.
The prophet sees in the distance an eight-year term for the President, and
employment thereafter as "charge-d'affaires" of the United States, with
permission to go beyond the seas. Thus the vast sums of money and rivers
of rum used in the intervening campaigns at present will be used for the
relief of the widow and orphan. The ex-President then, with the portfolio of
International Press Agent for the United States, could go abroad and be
fêted by foreign governments, leaving dyspepsia everywhere in his wake
and crowned heads with large damp towels on them.
Every ex-President should have some place where he could go and hide his
shame. A trip around the world would require a year, and by that time the
voters would be so disgusted with the new President that the old one would
come like a healing balm, and he would be permitted to die without
publishing a bulletin of his temperature and showing his tongue to the press
for each edition of the paper.
South Carolina in 1832 passed a nullification act declaring the tariff act
"null and void" and announcing that the State would secede from the Union
if force were used to collect any revenue at Charleston. South Carolina has
always been rather "advanced" regarding the matter of seceding from the
American Union.
President Jackson, however, ordered General Scott and a number of troops
to go and see that the laws were enforced; but no trouble resulted, and soon
more satisfactory measures were enacted, through the large influence of Mr.
Clay.
Jackson was unfriendly to the Bank of the United States, and the bank
retaliated by contracting its loans, thus making money-matters hard to get
hold of by the masses.

"When the public money," says the historian, "which had been withdrawn
from the Bank of the United States was deposited in local banks, money
was easy and speculation extended to every branch of trade. New cities
were laid out; fabulous prices were charged for building-lots which existed
only on paper" etc. And in Van Buren's time the people paid the violinist, as
they have in 1893, with ruin and remorse.
Speculation which is unprofitable should never be encouraged. Unprofitable
speculation is only another term for idiocy. But, on the other hand,
profitable speculation leads to prosperity, public esteem, and the ability to
keep a team. We may distinguish the one from the other by means of
ascertaining the difference between them. If one finds on waking up in the
morning that he experiences a sensation of being in the poor-house, he may
almost at once jump to the conclusion that the kind of speculation he
selected was the wrong one.
The Black Hawk War
occurred in the Northwest
Territory in 1832. It grew out
of the fact that the Sacs and
Foxes sold their lands to the
United States and afterwards
regretted that they had not
asked more for them: so they
refused to vacate, until several
of them had been used up on
the asparagus-beds of the
husbandman.
The Florida War (1835) grew
out of the fact that the SCALPING A MAN BETWEEN THE SOUP
Seminoles regretted having AND THE REMOVE.
made a dicker with the
government at too low a price for land. Osceola, the chief, regretted the
matter so much that he scalped General Thompson while the latter was at
dinner, which shows that the Indian is not susceptible to cultivation or the
acquisition of any knowledge of table etiquette whatever. What could be in
poorer taste than scalping a man between the soup and the remove? The

same day Major Dade with one hundred men was waylaid, and all but four
of the party killed.
Seven years later the Indians were subdued.
Phrenologically the Indian allows his alimentiveness to overbalance his
group of organs which show veneration, benevolence, fondness for society,
fêtes champêtres, etc., hope, love of study, fondness for agriculture, an
unbridled passion for toil, etc.
France owed five million dollars for damages to our commerce in
Napoleon's wars, and, Napoleon himself being entirely worthless, having
said every time that the bill was presented that he would settle it as soon as
he got back from St. Helena, Jackson ordered reprisals to be made, but
England acted as a peacemaker, and the bill was paid. On receiving the
money a trunk attached by our government and belonging to Napoleon was
released.
Space here, and the nature of this work, forbid an extended opinion
regarding the course pursued by Napoleon in this matter. His tomb is in the
basement of the Hôtel des Invalides in Paris, and you are requested not to
fumer while you are there.

FITTED IN PARIS AT GREAT EXPENSE.

CHAPTER XXII.
MORE DIFFICULTIES STRAIGHTENED OUT.

Van Buren, the eighth President, was unfortunate in taking the helm as the
financial cyclone struck the country. This was brought about by scarcity of
funds more than anything else. Business-men would not pay their debts,
and, though New York was not then so large as at present, one hundred
million dollars were lost in sixty days in this way.
The government had required the payments for public lands to be made in
coin, and so the Treasury had plenty of gold and silver, while business had
nothing to work with. Speculation also had made a good many snobs who
had sent their gold and silver abroad for foreign luxuries, also some paupers
who could not do so. When a man made some money from the sale of rural
lots he had his hats made abroad, and his wife had her dresses fitted in Paris
at great expense. Confidence was destroyed, and the air was heavy with
failures and apprehension of more failures to come.
The Canadians rebelled against England, and many of our people wanted to
unite with Canada against the mother-country, but the police would not
permit them to do so. General Scott was sent to the frontier to keep our
people from aiding the Canadians.
There was trouble in the Northeast over the boundary between Maine and
New Brunswick, but it was settled by the commissioners, Daniel Webster
and Lord Ashburton. Webster was a smart man and a good extemporaneous
speaker.

LORD ASHBURTON AND DANIEL WEBSTER.

Van Buren failed of a re-election, as the people did not fully endorse his
administration. Administrations are not generally endorsed where the
people are unable to get over six pounds of sugar for a dollar.
General Harrison, who followed in 1841, died soon after choosing his
Cabinet, and his Vice-President, John Tyler, elected as a Whig, proceeded to
act as President, but not as a Whig President should. His party passed a bill
establishing the United States Bank, but Tyler vetoed it, and the men who
elected him wished they had been as dead as Rameses was at the time.
Dorr's justly celebrated rebellion in Rhode Island was an outbreak resulting
from restricting the right of suffrage to those who owned property. A new
Constitution was adopted, and Dorr chosen as Governor. He was not
recognized, and so tried to capture the seat while the regular governor was
at tea. He got into jail for life, but was afterwards pardoned out and
embraced the Christian religion.
In 1844 the Anti-Rent War in the State of New York broke out among those
who were tenants of the old "Patroon Estates." These men, disguised as

Indians, tarred and feathered those who paid rent, and killed the collectors
who were sent to them. In 1846 the matter was settled by the military.

TARRED AND FEATHERED FOR PAYING RENT.

In 1840 the Mormons had settled at Nauvoo, Illinois. They were led by
Joseph Smith, and not only proposed to run a new kind of religion, but
introduced polygamy into it. The people who lived near them attacked
them, killed Smith, and drove the Mormons to Iowa, opposite Omaha.
In 1844 occurred the building of the magnetic telegraph, invented by
Samuel F. B. Morse. The line was from Baltimore to Washington, or vice
versa,—authorities failing to agree on this matter. It cost thirty thousand
dollars, and the boys who delivered the messages made more out of it then
than the stockholders did.
Fulton having invented and perfected the steamboat in 1805 and started the
Clermont on the North River at the dizzy rate of five miles per hour, and
George Stephenson having in 1814 made the first locomotive to run on a
track, the people began to feel that theosophy was about all they needed to
place them on a level with the seraphim and other astral bodies.
Texas had, under the guidance of Sam Houston, obtained her independence
from Mexico, and asked for admission to the Union. Congress at first
rejected her, fearing that the Texas people lacked cultivation, being so far

away from the thought-ganglia of
the East, also fearing a war with
Mexico; but she was at last
admitted, and now every one is
glad of it.
The Whigs were not in favor of the
admission of Texas, and made that
the issue of the following
campaign, Henry Clay leading his
party to a hospitable grave in the
fall. James K. Polk, a Democrat,
was elected. His rallying cry was,
"I am a Democrat."
The Mexican War now came on.
General Taylor's army met the
THE MESSENGER-BOYS MADE MORE OUT
OF IT THAN THE STOCKHOLDERS. enemy first at Palo Alto, where he
ran across the Mexicans six
thousand strong, and, though he had but two thousand men, drove them
back, only losing nine men. This was the most economical battle of the war.
The next afternoon he met the enemy at Resaca de la Palma, and whipped
him in the time usually required to ejaculate the word "scat!"
Next General Taylor proceeded against Monterey, September 24, and with
six thousand men attacked the strongly-fortified city, which held ten
thousand troops. The Americans avoided the heavy fire as well as possible
by entering the city and securing rooms at the best hotel, leaving word at
the office that they did not wish to be disturbed by the enemy. In fact, the
soldiers did dig their way through from house to house to avoid the volleys
from the windows, and thus fought to within a square of the Grand Plaza,
when the city surrendered. The Grand Plaza is generally a sandy vacant lot,
where Mexicans sell tamales made of the highly-peppered but tempting
cutlets of the Mexican hairless dog.
The battle of Buena Vista took place February 23, 1847, General Santa
Anna commanding the Mexicans. He had twenty thousand men, and
General Taylor's troops were reduced in numbers. The fight was a hot one,

lasting all day, and the Americans were saved by Bragg's artillery. Bragg
used the old Colonial method of rolling his guns up to the nose of the
enemy and then discharging an iron-foundry into his midst. This disgusted
the enemy so that General Santa Anna that evening took the shreds of his
army and went away.

THE FIGHT WAS A HOT ONE.

General Kearney was sent to take New Mexico and California. His work
consisted mainly in marching for General Frémont, who had been surveying
a new route to Oregon, and had with sixty men been so successful that on
the arrival of Kearney, with the aid of Commodores Sloat and Stockton,
California was captured, and has given general satisfaction to every one.
In March, 1847, General Scott, with twelve thousand men, bombarded Vera
Cruz four days, and at the end of that time the city was surrendered.
At Cerro Gordo, a week later, Scott overtook the enemy under General
Santa Anna, and made such a fierce attack that the Mexicans were
completely routed. Santa Anna left his leg on the field of battle and rode
away on a pet mule named Charlotte Corday. The leg was preserved and
taken to the Smithsonian Institute. It is made of second-growth hickory, and
has a brass ferrule and a rubber eraser on the end. General Taylor afterwards
taunted him with this incident, and, though greatly irritated, Santa Anna
said there was no use trying to kick.
Puebla resisted not, and the army marched into the city of Mexico August 7.
The road was rendered disagreeable by strong fortifications and thirty
thousand men who were not on good terms with Scott. The environments
and suburbs one after another were taken, and a parley for peace ensued,
during which the Mexicans were busy fortifying some more on the quiet.
September 8 the Americans made their assault, and carried the outworks
one by one. Then the castle of Chapultepec was stormed. First the outer

works were scaled, which made them much more desirable, and the moat
was removed by means of a stomach-pump and blotting-pad, and then the
escarpment was up-ended, the Don John tower was knocked silly by a solid
shot, and the castle capitulated.
Thus on the 14th of September the old flag floated over the court-house of
Mexico, and General Scott ate his tea in the palace of the Montezumas.
Peace was declared February 2, 1848, and the United States owned the vast
country southward to the Gila (pronounced Heeler) and west to the Pacific
Ocean.
The Wilmot Proviso was invented by David Wilmot, a poor, struggling
member of Congress, who moved that in any territory acquired by the
United States slavery should be prohibited except upon the advice of a
physician. The motion was lost.
Gold was discovered in the Sacramento Valley in August, 1848, by a
workman who was building a mill-race. A struggle ensued over this ground
as to who should own the race. It threatened to terminate in a race war, but
was settled amicably.
In eighteen months one hundred thousand people went to the scene.
Thousands left their skeletons with the red brother, and other thousands left
theirs on the Isthmus of Panama or on the cruel desert. Many married men
went who had been looking a long time for some good place to go to.
Leaving their wives with ill-concealed relief, they started away through a
country filled with death, to reach a country they knew not of. Some died en
route, others were hanged, and still others became the heads of new
families. Some came back and carried water for their wives to wash
clothing for their neighbors.

SOME CAME BACK AND CARRIED WATER FOR THEIR WIVES TO WASH CLOTHING.

It was a long hard trip then across the plains. One of the author's friends at
the age of thirteen years drove a little band of cows from the State of
Indiana to Sacramento. He says he would not do it again for anything. He is
now a man, and owns a large prune-orchard in California, and people tell
him he is getting too stout, and that he ought to exercise more, and that he
ought to walk every day several miles; but he shakes his head, and says,
"No, I will not walk any to-day, and possibly not to-morrow or the day
following. Do not come to me and refer to taking a walk: I have tried that.
Possibly you take me for a dromedary; but you are wrong. I am a fat man,
and may die suddenly some day while lacing up my shoes, but when I go
anywhere I ride."
When he got to Sacramento, where gold was said to be so plentiful, he was
glad to wash dishes for his board, and he went and hired himself out to a
citizen of that country, and he sent him into the fields for to feed swine, and
he would fain have filled his system with the California peaches which the
swine did eat, and he began to be in want, and no man gave unto him, and if
he had spent his substance in riotous living, he said, it would have been
different.

About thirty years after that he arose and went unto his father, and carried
his dinner with him, also a government bond and a new suit of raiment for
the old gentleman.
I do not know what we should learn from this.

CHAPTER XXIII.
THE WEBSTERS.

Daniel Webster, together with Mr. Clay, had much to do with the
Compromise measures of 1850. These consisted in the admission of
California as a free State, the organizing of the Territories of Utah and New
Mexico without any provision regarding slavery pro or con, the payment to
Texas of one hundred million dollars for New Mexico,—which was a good
trade for Texas,—the prohibition of the slave-trade in the District of
Columbia, and the enactment of a Fugitive Slave Law permitting owners of
slaves to follow them into the free States and take them back in irons, if
necessary. The officials and farmers of the free States were also expected to
turn out, call the dog, leave their work, and help catch these chattels and
carry them to the south-bound train.
Daniel Webster was born in 1782, and Noah in 1758. Daniel was educated
at Dartmouth College, where he was admitted in 1797. He taught school
winters and studied summers, as many other great men have done since,
until he knew about everything that anybody could. What Dan did not
know, Noah did.
Strange to say, Daniel was frightened to death when first called upon to
speak a piece. He says he committed dozens of pieces to memory and
recited them to the woods and crags and cows and stone abutments of the
New England farms, but could not stand up before a school and utter a
word.

DANIEL WEBSTER COULD NOT STAND UP BEFORE A SCHOOL AND UTTER A WORD.

In 1801 he studied law with Thomas W. Thompson, afterwards United
States Senator. He read then for the first time that "Law is a rule of action
prescribing what is right and prohibiting what is wrong."
In 1812 he was elected to Congress, and in 1813 made his maiden speech.
One of his most masterly speeches was made on economical and financial
subjects; and yet in order to get his blue broadcloth coat with brass buttons
from the tailor-shop to wear while making the speech, he had to borrow
twenty-five dollars.
When the country has wanted a man to talk well on these subjects it has
generally been compelled to advance money to him before he could make a
speech. Sometimes he has to be taken from the pawn-shop. Webster, it is
said, was the most successful lawyer, after he returned to Boston, that the
State of Massachusetts has ever known; and yet his mail was full of notices
from banks down East, announcing that he had overdrawn his account.
Once he was hard pressed for means, as he was trying to run a farm, and
running a farm costs money: so he went to a bank to borrow. He hated to do
it, because he had no special inducements to offer a bank or to make it
hilariously loan him money.

"How much did you think you would need, Mr. Webster?" asked the
President, cutting off some coupons as he spoke and making paper dolls of
them.
"Well, I could get along very well," said Webster, in that deep, resinous
voice of his, "if I could have two thousand dollars."
"Well, you remember," said the banker, "do you not, that you have two
thousand dollars here, that you deposited five years ago, after you had dined
with the Governor of North Carolina?"
"No, I had forgotten about that," said Webster. "Give me a blank check
without unnecessary delay."
We may learn from this that Mr. Webster was not a careful man in the
matter of detail.
His speech on the two-hundredth anniversary of the landing of the Pilgrims
was a good thing, and found its way into the press of the time. His speech at
the laying of the corner-stone of the Bunker Hill Monument, and his eulogy
of Adams and Jefferson, were beautiful and thrilling.
Daniel Webster had a very large brain, and used to loan his hat to brother
Senators now and then when their heads were paining them, provided he
did not want it himself.
His reply to Robert Y. Hayne, of South Carolina, in 1830, was regarded as
one of his ablest parliamentary efforts. Hayne attacked New England, and
first advanced the doctrine of nullification, which was even more dangerous
than secession,—Jefferson Davis in 1860 denying that he had ever
advocated or favored such a doctrine.
Webster spoke extempore, and people sent out for their lunch rather than go
away in the midst of his remarks.
Webster married twice, but did not let that make any difference with his
duty to his country.

SENT OUT FOR THEIR LUNCH RATHER THAN GO AWAY IN THE MIDST OF HIS
REMARKS.

He tried to farm it some, but did not amass a large sum, owing to his heavy
losses in trying year after year to grow Saratoga potatoes for the Boston
market.
No American, foreign or domestic, ever made a greater name for himself
than Daniel Webster, but he was not so good a penman as Noah; Noah was
the better pen-writer.

Noah Webster also had the better command of language of the two. Those
who have read his great work entitled "Webster's Elementary Spelling-
Book, or, How One Word Led to Another," will agree with me that he was
smart. Noah never lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a
brainy man and a good speller.
One by one our eminent men are passing away. Mr. Webster has passed
away; Napoleon Bonaparte is no more; and Dr. Mary Walker is fading
away. This has been a severe winter on Red Shirt; and I have to guard
against the night air a good deal myself.
It would ill become me, at this late date, to criticise Mr. Webster's work, a
work that is now, I may say, in nearly every home and school-room in the
land. It is a great book. I only hope that had Mr. Webster lived he would
have been equally fair in his criticism of my books.
I hate to compare my books with Mr. Webster's, because it looks egotistical
in me; but, although Noah's book is larger than mine, and has more literary
attractions as a book to set a child on at the table, it does not hold the
interest of the reader all the way through.
He has introduced too many characters into his book at the expense of the
plot. It is a good book to pick up and while away a leisure hour, perhaps,
but it is not a work that could rivet your interest till midnight, while the fire
went out and the thermometer stepped down to 47° below zero. You do not
hurry through the pages to see whether Reginald married the girl or not. Mr.
Webster did not seem to care how the affair turned out.
Therein consists the great difference between Noah and myself. He doesn't
keep up the interest. A friend of mine at Sing Sing, who secured one of my
books, said he never left his room till he had devoured it. He said he seemed
chained to the spot; and if you can't believe a convict who is entirely out of
politics, whom, in the name of George Washington, can you trust?
Mr. Webster was certainly a most brilliant writer, though a little inclined,
perhaps, to be wordy. I have discovered in some of his later books one
hundred and eighteen thousand words no two of which are alike. This
shows great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something else.

The reader waits in vain
to be thrilled by the
author's wonderful word-
painting. There is not a
thrill in the whole tome.
I had heard so much of
Mr. Webster that when I
read his book I confess I
was disappointed. It is
cold, methodical, dry,
and dispassionate in the
extreme, and one cannot
help comparing it with
the works of James NEVER LEFT HIS ROOM TILL HE HAD DEVOURED IT.
Fenimore Cooper and
Horace.
As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of whiling
away an idle hour. No one should travel without Mr. Webster's tale. Those
who examine this tale will readily see why there were no flies on the author.
He kept them off with this tale.
It is a good book, as I say, to take up for a moment, or to read on the train,
or to hold the door open on a hot day. I would never take a long railroad
ride without it, eyether. I would as soon forget my bottle of cough-
medicine.
Mr. Webster's Speller had an immense sale. Ten years ago he had sold forty
million copies. And yet it had this same defect. It was cold, dull,
disconnected, and verbose. There was only one good thing in the book, and
that was a little literary gem regarding a boy who broke in and stole the
apples of a total stranger. The story was so good that I have often wondered
whom Mr. Webster got to write it for him.
The old man, it seems, at first told the boy that he had better come down, as
there was a draught in the tree; but the young sass-box—apple-sass-box, I
presume—told him to avaunt.

At last the old man said, "Come down, honey. I am afraid the limb will
break if you don't." Then, as the boy still remained, he told him that those
were not eating-apples, that they were just common cooking-apples, and
that there were worms in them. But the boy said he didn't mind a little thing
like that. So then the old gentleman got irritated, and called the dog, and
threw turf at the boy, and at last saluted him with pieces of turf and decayed
cabbages; and after the lad had gone away the old man pried the bull-dog's
jaws open and found a mouthful of pantaloons and a freckle.
I do not tell this, of course, in Mr. Webster's language, but I give the main
points as they recur now to my mind.
Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years and have
carefully examined his style, I am free to say that his ideas about writing a
book are not the same as mine. Of course it is a great temptation for a
young author to write a book that will have a large sale; but that should not
be all. We should have a higher object than that, and strive to interest those
who read the book. It should not be jerky and scattering in its statements.
I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man who is now no more, a man
who did so much for the world and who could spell the longest word
without hesitation, but I speak of these things just as I would expect others
to criticise my work. If one aspire to be a member of the literati of his day,
he must expect to be criticised. I have been criticised myself. When I was in
public life,—as a justice of the peace in the Rocky Mountains,—a man
came in one day and criticised me so that I did not get over it for two
weeks.
I might add, though I dislike to speak of it now, that Mr. Webster was at one
time a member of the Legislature of Massachusetts. I believe that was the
only time he ever stepped aside from the strait and narrow way. A good
many people do not know this, but it is true.
Mr. Webster was also a married man, yet he never murmured or repined.

CHAPTER XXIV.
BEFO' THE WAH—CAUSES WHICH LED TO IT—
MASTERLY GRASP OF THE SUBJECT SHOWN BY THE
AUTHOR.

A Man named Lopez in 1851 attempted to annex Cuba, thus furnishing for
our Republican wrapper a genuine Havana filler; but he failed, and was
executed, while his plans were not.
Franklin Pierce was elected President on the Democratic ticket, running
against General Scott, the Whig candidate. Slavery began to be discussed
again, when Stephen A. Douglas, in Congress, advocated squatter
sovereignty, or the right for each Territory to decide whether it would be a
free or a slave State. The measure became a law in 1854.
That was what made trouble in Kansas. The two elements, free and slave,
were arrayed against each other, and for several years friends from other
States had to come over and help Kansas bury its dead. The condition of
things for some time was exceedingly mortifying to the citizen who went
out to milk after dark without his gun.
Trouble with Mexico arose, owing to the fact that the government had used
a poor and unreliable map in establishing the line: so General Gadsden
made a settlement for the disputed ground, and we paid Mexico ten millions
of dollars. It is needless to say that we have since seen the day when we
wished that we had it back.

EXCEEDINGLY MORTIFYING TO THE CITIZEN WHO WENT TO MILK WITHOUT HIS
GUN.

Two ports of entry were now opened to us in Japan by Commodore Perry's
Expedition, and cups and saucers began to be more plentiful in this country,
many of the wealthier deciding at that time not to cool tea in the saucer or
drink it vociferously from that vessel. This custom and the Whig party
passed away at the same time.
The Republican or Anti-Slavery party nominated for President John C.
Frémont, who received the vote of eleven States, but James Buchanan was
elected, and proved to the satisfaction of the world that there is nothing to
prevent any unemployed man's applying for the Presidency of the United
States; also that if his life has been free from ideas and opinions he may be
elected sometimes where one who has been caught in the very act of
thinking, and had it proved on him, might be defeated.
Chief Justice Taney now stated that slaves could be taken into any State of
the Union by their owners without forfeiting the rights of ownership. This
was called the Dred Scott decision, and did much to irritate Abolitionists
like John Brown, whose soul as this book goes to press is said to be
marching on. Brown was a Kansas man with a mission and massive
whiskers. He would be called now a crank; but his action in seizing a
United States arsenal at Harper's Ferry and declaring the slaves free was
regarded by the South as thoroughly representative of the Northern feeling.

The country now began to be in a state of restlessness. Brown had been
captured and hanged as a traitor. Northern men were obliged to leave their
work every little while to catch a negro, crate him, and return him to his
master or give him a lift towards Canada; and, as the negro was
replenishing the earth at an astonishing rate, general alarm broke out.

OBLIGED TO LEAVE THEIR WORK EVERY LITTLE WHILE TO CATCH A NEGRO.

Douglas was the champion of squatter sovereignty, John C. Breckinridge of
the doctrine that slaves could be checked through as personal baggage into
any State of the Union, and Lincoln of the anti-slavery principle which
afterwards constituted the spinal column of the Federal Government as
opposed to the Confederacy of the seceded States.

Lincoln was elected, which reminded him of an anecdote. Douglas and
several other candidates were defeated, which did not remind them of
anything.
South Carolina seceded in December, 1860, and soon after Mississippi,
Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas followed suit.
The following February the Confederacy was organized at Montgomery,
Alabama, and Jefferson Davis was elected President. Long and patient
effort on the part of the historian to ascertain how he liked it has been
entirely barren of results. Alexander H. Stephens was made Vice-President.
Everything belonging to the United States and not thoroughly fastened
down was carried away by the Confederacy, while President Buchanan
looked the other way or wrote airy persiflage to tottering dynasties which
slyly among themselves characterized him as a neat and cleanly old lady.
Had Buchanan been a married man it is generally believed now that his
wife would have prevented the war. Then she would have called James out
from under the bed and allowed him to come to the table for his meals with
the family. But he was not married, and the war came on.
Major Anderson was afraid to remain at Fort Moultrie in Charleston Harbor,
so crossed over to Fort Sumter. The South regarded this as hostility, and the
fort was watched to see if any one should attempt to divide his lunch with
the garrison, which it was declared would be regarded as an act of defiance.
The reader will see by this that a deaf and dumb asylum in Northern
Michigan was about the only safe place for a peaceable man at that time.
President Lincoln found himself placed at the head of a looted government
on the sharp edge of a crisis that had not been properly upholstered. The
Buchanan cabinet had left little except a burglar's tool or two here and there
to mark its operations, and, with the aged and infirm General Scott at the
head of a little army, and no encouragement except from the Abolitionists,
many of whom had never seen a colored man outside of a minstrel
performance, the President stole incog. into Washington, like a man who
had agreed to lecture there.
Southern officers resigned daily from the army and navy to go home and
join the fortunes of their several States. Meantime, the Federal government

moved about like a baby elephant loaded with shot, while the new
Confederacy got men, money, arms, and munitions of war from every
conceivable point.
Finding that supplies were to be sent to Major Anderson, General Peter G.
T. Beauregard summoned Major Anderson to surrender. General
Beauregard, after the war, became one of the good, kind gentlemen who
annually stated over their signatures that they had examined the Louisiana
State Lottery and that there was no deception about it. The Lottery felt
grateful for this, and said that the general should never want while it had a
roof of its own.
Major Anderson had seventy men, while General Beauregard had seven
thousand. After a bombardment and a general fight of thirty-four hours, the
starved and suffocated garrison yielded to overwhelming numbers.
President Lincoln was not admired by a class of people in the North and
South who heard with horror that he had at one time worked for ten dollars
a month. They thought the President's salary too much for him, and feared
that he would buy watermelons with it. They also feared that some day he
might tell a funny story in the presence of Queen Victoria. The snobocracy
could hardly sleep nights for fear that Lincoln at a state dinner might put
sugar and cream in his cold consommé.
Jefferson Davis, it was said, knew more of etiquette in a minute than
Lincoln knew all his life.
The capture of Sumter united the North and unified the South. It made "war
Democrats"—i.e., Democrats who had voted against Lincoln—join him in
the prosecution of the war. More United States property was cheerfully
appropriated by the Confederacy, which showed that it was alive and
kicking from the very first minute it was born.
Confederate troops were sent into Virginia and threatened the Capitol at
Washington, and would have taken it if the city had not, in summer, been
regarded as unhealthful.
The Sixth Massachusetts Regiment, hurrying to the capital, was attacked in
Baltimore and several men were killed. This was the first actual bloodshed
in the civil war which caused rivers and lakes and torrents of the best blood

of North and South to cover the fair, sweet clover fields and blue-grass
meadows made alone for peace.
The general opinion of the author, thirty-five years afterwards, is that the
war was as unavoidable as the deluge, and as idiotic in its incipiency as
Adam's justly celebrated defence in the great "Apple Sass Case."
Men will fight until it is educated out of them, just as they will no doubt
retain rudimentary tails and live in trees till they know better. It's all owing
to how a man was brought up.
Of course after we have been drawn into the fight and been fined and sent
home, we like to maintain that we were fighting for our home, or liberty, or
the flag, or something of the kind. We hate to admit that, as a nation, we
fought and paid for it afterwards with our family's bread-money just
because we were irritated. That's natural; but most great wars are arranged
by people who stay at home and sell groceries to the widow and orphan and
old maids at one hundred per cent. advance.
Arlington Heights and Alexandria were now seized and occupied by the
Union troops for the protection of Washington, and mosquito-wires were
put up in the Capitol windows to keep the largest of the rebels from coming
in and biting Congress.
Fort Monroe was garrisoned by a force under General Benjamin F. Butler,
and an expedition was sent out against Big Bethel. On the way the Federal
troops fired into each other, which pleased the Confederates very much
indeed. The Union troops were repulsed with loss, and went back to the
fort, where they stated that they were disappointed in the war.
West Virginia was strongly for the Union in sentiment, and was set off from
the original State of Virginia, and, after some fighting the first year of the
war over its territory, came into line with the Northern States. The fighting
here was not severe. Generals McClellan and Rosecrans (Union) and Lee
(Confederate) were the principal commanders.
The first year of the war was largely spent in sparring for wind, as one very
able authority has it.

In the next chapter reference will be made to the battle of Bull Run, and the
odium will be placed where it belongs. The author reluctantly closes this
chapter in order to go out and get some odium for that purpose.

CHAPTER XXV.
BULL RUN AND OTHER BATTLES.

On the 21st of July, 1861, occurred the battle of Bull Run, under the joint
management of General Irwin McDowell and General P. G. T. Beauregard.
After a sharp conflict, the Confederates were repulsed, but rallied again
under General T. J. Jackson, called thereafter Stonewall Jackson. While the
Federals were striving to beat Jackson back, troops under Generals Early
and Kirby Smith from Manassas Junction were hurled against their flank.[5]
McDowell's men retreated, and as they reached the bridge a shell burst
among their crowded and chaotic numbers. A caisson was upset, and a
panic ensued, many of the troops continuing at a swift canter till they
reached the Capitol, where they could call on the sergeant-at-arms to
preserve order.
As a result of this run on the banks of the Potomac, the North suddenly
decided that the war might last a week or two longer than at first stated, that
the foe could not be killed with cornstalks, and that a mistake had been
made in judging that the rebellion wasn't loaded.[6] Half a million men were
called for and five hundred million dollars voted. General George B.
McClellan took command of the Army of the Potomac.
The battle of Ball's Bluff resulted disastrously to the Union forces, and two
thousand men were mostly driven into the Potomac, some drowned and
others shot. Colonel Baker, United States Senator from Oregon, was killed.
The war in Missouri now opened. Captain Lyon reserved the United States
arsenal at St. Louis, and defeated Colonel Marmaduke at Booneville.
General Sigel was defeated at Carthage, July 5, by the Confederates: so
Lyon, with five thousand men, decided to attack more than twice that
number of the enemy under Price and McCulloch, which he did, August 10,
at Wilson's Creek. He was killed while making a charge, and his men were
defeated.

General Frémont then took command, and drove Price to Springfield, but he
was in a short time replaced by General Hunter, because his war policy was
offensive to the enemy. Hunter was soon afterwards removed, and Major-
General Halleck took his place. Halleck gave general satisfaction to the
enemy, and even his red messages from Washington, where he boarded
during the war, were filled with nothing but kindness for the misguided foe.
Davis early in the war commissioned privateers, and Lincoln blockaded the
Southern ports. The North had but one good vessel at the time, and those
who have tried to blockade four or five thousand miles of hostile coast with
one vessel know full well what it is to be busy. The entire navy consisted of
forty-two ships, and some of these were not seaworthy. Some of them were
so pervious that their guns had to be tied on to keep them from leaking
through the cracks of the vessel.
Hatteras Inlet was captured, and Commodore Dupont, aided by General
Thomas W. Sherman, captured Port Royal Entrance and Tybee Island. Port
Royal became the dépôt for the fleet.
It was now decided at the South to send Messrs. Mason and Slidell to
England, partly for change of scene and rest, and partly to make a friendly
call on Queen Victoria and invite her to come and spend the season at
Asheville, North Carolina. It was also hoped that she would give a few
readings from her own works at the South, while her retinue could go to the
front and have fun with the Yankees, if so disposed.

HOPED SHE WOULD GIVE A FEW READINGS FROM HER OWN WORKS.

These gentlemen, wearing their nice new broadcloth clothes, and with a
court suit and suitable night-wear to use in case they should be pressed to
stop a week or two at the castle, got to Havana safely, and took passage on
the British ship Trent; but Captain Wilkes, of the United States steamer San
Jacinto, took them off the Trent, just as Mr. Mason had drawn and
fortunately filled a hand with which he hoped to pay a part of the war-debt
of the South and get a new overcoat in London. Later, however, the United
States disavowed this act of Captain Wilkes, and said it was only a bit of
pleasantry on his part.
The first year of the war had taught both sides a few truths, and especially
that the war did not in any essential features resemble a straw-ride to camp-
meeting and return. The South had also discovered that the Yankee peddlers
could not be captured with fly-paper, and that although war was not their
regular job they were willing to learn how it was done.

In 1862 the national army numbered five hundred thousand men, and the
Confederate army three hundred and fifty thousand. Three objects were
decided upon by the Federal government for the Union army and navy to
accomplish,—viz., 1, the opening of the Mississippi; 2, the blockade of
Southern ports; and 3, the capture of Richmond, the capital of the Southern
Confederacy.
The capture of Forts Henry and Donelson was undertaken by General
Grant, aided by Commodore Foote, and on February 6 a bombardment was
opened with great success, reducing Fort Henry in one hour. The garrison
got away because the land-forces had no idea the fort would yield so soon,
and therefore could not get up there in time to cut off the retreat.
Fort Donelson was next attacked, the garrison having been reinforced by
the men from Fort Henry. The fight lasted four days, and on February 16 the
fort, with fifteen thousand men, surrendered.
Nashville was now easily occupied by Buell, and Columbus and Bowling
Green were taken. The Confederates fell back to Corinth, where General
Beauregard (Peter G. T.) and Albert Sidney Johnston massed their forces.
General Grant now captured the Memphis and Charleston Railroad; but the
Confederates decided to capture him before Buell, who had been ordered to
reinforce him, should effect a junction with him. April 6 and 7, therefore,
the battle of Shiloh occurred. Whether the Union troops were surprised or
not at this battle, we cannot here pause to discuss. Suffice it to say that one
of the Federal officers admitted to the author in 1879, while under the
influence of koumys, that, though not strictly surprised, he believed he
violated no confidence in saying that they were somewhat astonished.
It was Sunday morning, and the Northern hordes were just considering
whether they would take a bite of beans and go to church or remain in camp
and get their laundry-work counted for Monday, when the Confederacy and
some other men burst upon them with a fierce, rude yell. In a few moments
the Federal troops had decided that there had sprung up a strong personal
enmity on the part of the South, and that ill feeling had been engendered in
some way.

SOME OTHER MEN BURST UPON THEM WITH A FIERCE, RUDE YELL.

All that beautiful Sabbath-day they fought, the Federals yielding ground
slowly and reluctantly till the bank of the river was reached and Grant's
artillery commanded the position. Here a stand was made until Buell came
up, and shortly afterwards the Confederates fell back; but they had captured
the Yankee camp entire, and many a boy in blue lost the nice warm woollen
pulse-warmers crocheted for him by his soul's idol. It is said that over
thirty-five hundred needle-books and three thousand men were captured by
the Confederates, also thirty flags and immense quantities of stores; but the
Confederate commander, General A. S. Johnston, was killed. The following
morning the tide had turned, and General P. G. T. Beauregard retreated
unmolested to Corinth.
General Halleck now took command, and, as the Confederates went away
from there, he occupied Corinth, though still retaining his rooms at the
Arlington Hotel in Washington.
The Confederates who retreated from Columbus fell back to Island No. 10
in the Mississippi River, where Commodore Foote bombarded them for
three weeks, thus purifying the air and making the enemy feel much better
than at any previous time during the campaign. General Pope crossed the

Mississippi, capturing the batteries in the rear of the island, and turning
them on the enemy, who surrendered April 7, the day of the battle of Shiloh.
May 10, the Union gun-boats moved down the river. Fort Pillow was
abandoned by the Southern forces, and the Confederate flotilla was
destroyed in front of Memphis. Kentucky and Tennessee were at last the
property of the fierce hordes from the great coarse North.
General Bragg was now at Chattanooga, Price at Iuka, and Van Dorn at
Holly Springs. All these generals had guns, and were at enmity with the
United States of America. They very much desired to break the Union line
of investment extending from Memphis almost to Chattanooga.
Bragg started out for the Ohio River, intending to cross it and capture the
Middle States; but Buell heard of it and got there twenty-four hours ahead,
wherefore Bragg abandoned his plans, as it flashed over him like a clap of
thunder from a clear sky that he had no place to put the Middle States if he
had them. He therefore escaped in the darkness, his wagon-trains sort of
drawling over forty miles of road and "hit a-rainin'."
September 19, General Price, who, with Van Dorn, had considered it a good
time to attack Grant, who had sent many troops north to prevent Bragg's
capture of North America, decided to retreat, and, General Rosecrans failing
to cut him off, escaped, and was thus enabled to fight on other occasions.
The two Confederate generals now decided to attack the Union forces at
Corinth, which they did. They fought beautifully, especially the Texan and
Missouri troops, who did some heroic work, but they were defeated and
driven forty miles with heavy loss.
October 30, General Buell was succeeded by General Rosecrans.
The battle of Murfreesboro occurred December 31 and January 2. It was
one of the bloodiest battles of the whole conflict, and must have made the
men who brought on the war by act of Congress feel first-rate. About one-
fourth of those engaged were killed.
An attack on Vicksburg, in which Grant and Sherman were to co-operate,
the former moving along the Mississippi Central Railroad and Sherman
descending the river from Memphis, was disastrous, and the capture of

Arkansas Post, January 11, 1863, closed the campaign of 1862 on the
Father of Waters.
General Price was driven out of Missouri by General Curtis, and had to stay
in Arkansas quite a while, though he preferred a dryer climate.
General Van Dorn now took command of these forces, numbering twenty
thousand men, and at Pea Ridge, March 7 and 8, 1863, he was defeated to a
remarkable degree. During his retreat he could hardly restrain his
impatience.

WENT HOME BEFORE THE EXERCISES WERE MORE THAN HALF THROUGH.

Some four or five thousand Indians joined the Confederates in this battle,
but were so astonished at the cannon, and so shocked by the large decayed
balls, as they called the shells, which came hurtling through the air, now
and then hurting an Indian severely, that they went home before the
exercises were more than half through. They were down on the programme
for some fantastic and interesting tortures of Union prisoners, but when
they got home to the reservation and had picked the briers out of themselves

they said that war was about as barbarous a thing as they were ever to, and
they went to bed early, leaving a call for 9.30 A.M. on the following day.
The red brother's style of warfare has an air about it that is unpopular now.
A common stone stab-knife is a feeble thing to use against people who
shoot a distance of eight miles with a gun that carries a forty-gallon caldron
full of red-hot iron.

CHAPTER XXVI.
SOME MORE FRATRICIDAL STRIFE.

The effort to open the Mississippi from the north was seconded by an
expedition from the south, in which Captain David G. Farragut,
commanding a fleet of forty vessels, co-operated with General Benjamin F.
Butler, with the capture of New Orleans as the object.
Mortar-boats covered with green branches for the purpose of fooling the
enemy, as no one could tell at any distance at all whether these were or were
not olive-branches, steamed up the river and bombarded Forts Jackson and
St. Philip till the stunned catfish rose to the surface of the water to inquire,
"Why all this?" and turned their pallid stomachs toward the soft Southern
zenith. Sixteen thousand eight hundred shells were thrown into the two
forts, but that did not capture New Orleans.
Farragut now decided to run his fleet past the defences, and, desperate as
the chances were, he started on April 24. A big cable stretched across the
river suggested the idea that there was a hostile feeling among the New
Orleans people. Five rafts and armed steamers met him, and the iron-plated
ram Manassas extended to him a cordial welcome to a wide wet grave with
a southern exposure.
Farragut cut through the cable about three o'clock in the morning,
practically destroyed the Confederate fleet, and steamed up to the city,
which was at his mercy.
The forts, now threatened in the rear by Butler's army, surrendered, and
Farragut went up to Baton Rouge and took possession of it. General Butler's
occupation at New Orleans has been variously commented upon by both
friend and foe, but we are only able to learn from this and the entire record
of the war, in fact, that it is better to avoid hostilities unless one is ready to
accept the unpleasant features of combat. The author, when a boy, learned
this after he had acquired the unpleasant features resulting from combat
which the artist has cleverly shown on opposite page.

General Butler said he found it almost impossible to avoid giving offence to
the foe, and finally he gave it up in despair.
The French are said to be the politest people on the face of the earth, but no
German will admit it; and though the Germans are known to have big,
warm, hospitable hearts, since the Franco-Prussian war you couldn't get a
Frenchman to admit this.
In February Burnside captured Roanoke Island, and the coast of North
Carolina fell into the hands of the Union army. Port Royal became the base
of operations against Florida, and at the close of the year 1862 every city on
the Atlantic coast except Charleston, Wilmington, and Savannah was held
by the Union army.
The Merrimac iron-clad, which
had made much trouble for the
Union shipping for some time,
steamed into Hampton Roads on
the 8th of March. Hampton Roads
is not the Champs-Elysées of the
South, but a long wet stretch of
track east of Virginia,—the
Midway Plaisance of the Salted
Sea. The Merrimac steered for the
Cumberland, rammed her, and the
Cumberland sunk like a stove-lid,
with all on board. The captain of
the Congress, warned by the fate
of the Cumberland, ran his vessel
on shore and tried to conceal her
behind the tall grass, but the UNPLEASANT FEATURES RESULTING
FROM COMBAT.
Merrimac followed and shelled
her till she surrendered.
The Merrimac then went back to Norfolk, where she boarded, night having
come on apace. In the morning she aimed to clear out the balance of the
Union fleet. That night, however, the Monitor, a flat little craft with a
revolving tower, invented by Captain Ericsson, arrived, and in the morning

when the Merrimac started in on her day's work of devastation, beginning
with the Minnesota, the insignificant-looking Monitor slid up to the iron
monster and gave her two one-hundred-and-sixty-six-and-three-quarter-
pound solid shot.
The Merrimac replied with a style of broadside that generally sunk her
adversary, but the balls rolled off the low flat deck and fell with a solemn
plunk in the moaning sea, or broke in fragments and lay on the forward
deck like the shells of antique eggs on the floor of the House of Parliament
after a Home Rule argument.
Five times the Merrimac tried to ram the little spitz-pup of the navy, but her
huge iron beak rode up over the slippery deck of the enemy, and when the
big vessel looked over her sides to see its wreck, she discovered that the
Monitor was right side up and ready for more.
The Confederate vessel gave it up at last, and went back to Norfolk
defeated, her career suddenly closed by the timely genius of the able
Scandinavian.
The Peninsular campaign was principally addressed toward the capture of
Richmond. One hundred thousand men were massed at Fort Monroe April
4, and marched slowly toward Yorktown, where five thousand Confederates
under General Magruder stopped the great army under McClellan.
After a month's siege, and just as McClellan was about to shoot at the town,
the garrison took its valise and went away.
On the 5th of May occurred the battle of Williamsburg, between the forces
under "Fighting Joe" Hooker and General Johnston. It lasted nine hours,
and ended in the routing of the Confederates and their pursuit by Hooker to
within seven miles of Richmond. This caused the adjournment of the
Confederate Congress.
But Johnston prevented the junction of McDowell and McClellan after the
capture of Hanover Court-House, and Stonewall Jackson, reinforced by
Ewell, scared the Union forces almost to death. They crossed the Potomac,
having marched thirty-five miles per day. Washington was getting too hot
now to hold people who could get away.

It was hard to say which capital had been scared the worst.
The Governors of the Northern States were asked to send militia to defend
the capital, and the front door of the White House was locked every night
after ten o'clock.
But finally the Union generals, instead of calling for more troops, got after
General Jackson, and he fled from the Shenandoah Valley, burning the
bridges behind him. It is said that as he and his staff were about to cross
their last bridge they saw a mounted gun on the opposite side, manned by a
Union artilleryman. Jackson rode up and in clarion tones called out, "Who
told you to put that gun there, sir? Bring it over here, sir, and mount it, and
report at head-quarters this evening, sir!" The artilleryman unlimbered the
gun, and while he was placing it General Jackson and staff crossed over and
joined the army.
One cannot be too careful, during a war, in the matter of obedience to
orders. We should always know as nearly as possible whether our orders
come from the proper authority or not.
No one can help admiring this dashing officer's tour in the Shenandoah
Valley, where he kept three major-generals and sixty thousand troops awake
nights with fifteen thousand men, saved Richmond, scared Washington into
fits, and prevented the union of McClellan's and McDowell's forces. Had
there been more such men, and a little more confidence in the great volume
of typographical errors called Confederate money, the lovely character who
pens these lines might have had a different tale to tell.
May 31 and June 1 occurred the battle of Fair Oaks, where McClellan's men
floundering in the mud of the Chickahominy swamps were pounced upon
by General Johnston, who was wounded the first day. On the following day,
as a result of this accident, Johnston's men were repulsed in disorder.
General Robert E. Lee, who was now in command of the Confederate
forces, desired to make his army even more offensive than it had been, and
on June 12 General Stuart led off with his cavalry, made the entire circuit of
the Union army, saw how it looked from behind, and returned to Richmond,
much improved in health, having had several meals of victuals while
absent.

Hooker now marched to where he could see the dome of the court-house at
Richmond, but just then McClellan heard that Jackson had been seen in the
neighborhood of Hanover Court-House, and so decided to change his base.
General McClellan was a man of great refinement, and would never use the
same base over a week at a time.
He had hardly got the base changed when Lee fell upon his flank at
Mechanicsville, June 26, and the Seven Days' battle followed. The Union
troops fought and fell back, fought and fell back, until Malvern Hill was
reached, where, worn with marching, choked with dust, and broken down
by the heat, to which they were unaccustomed, they made their last stand,
July 1. Here Lee got such a reception that he did not insist on going any
farther.
But the Union army was cooped up on the James River. The siege of
Richmond had been abandoned, and the North felt blue and discouraged.
Three hundred thousand more men were called for, and it seemed that, as in
the South, "the cradle and the grave were to be robbed" for more troops.
Lee now decided to take Washington and butcher Congress to make a
Roman holiday. General Pope met the Confederates August 26, and while
Lee and Jackson were separated could have whipped the latter had the
Army of the Potomac reinforced him as it should, but, full of malaria and
foot-sore with marching, it did not reach him in time, and Pope had to fight
the entire Confederate army on that historic ground covered with so many
unpleasant memories and other things, called Bull Run.

WHERE BEER WAS ONLY FIVE CENTS PER GLASS.

For the second time the worn and wilted Union army was glad to get back
to Washington, where the President was, and where beer was only five cents
per glass.
Oh, how sad everything seemed at that time to the North, and how high
cotton cloth was! The bride who hastily married her dear one and bade him
good-by as the bugle called him to the war, pointed with pride to her cotton
clothes as a mark of wealth; and the middle classes were only too glad to
have a little cotton mixed with their woollen clothes.
Lee invaded Maryland, and McClellan, restored to command of the Army
of the Potomac, followed him, and found a copy of his order of march,
which revealed the fact that only a portion of the army was before him. So,
overtaking the Confederates at South Mountain, he was ready for a victory,

but waited one day; and in the
mountains Lee got his troops united
again, while Jackson also returned. The
Union troops had over eighty thousand
in their ranks, and nothing could have
been more thoughtful or genteel than to
wait for the Confederates to get as many
together as possible, otherwise the battle
might have been brief and
unsatisfactory to the tax-payer or
newspaper subscriber, who of course
wants his money's worth when he pays
for a battle.
WANTS HIS MONEY'S WORTH WHEN The battle of Antietam was a very fierce
HE PAYS FOR A BATTLE. one, and undecisive, yet it saved
Washington from an invasion by the
Confederates, who would have done a good deal of trading there, no doubt,
entirely on credit, thus injuring business very much and loading down
Washington merchants with book accounts, which, added to what they had
charged already to members of Congress, would have made times in
Washington extremely dull.
General McClellan, having impressed the country with the idea that he was
a good bridge-builder, but a little too dilatory in the matter of carnage, was
succeeded by General Burnside.
President Lincoln had written the Proclamation of Emancipation to the
slaves in July, but waited for a victory before publishing it. Bull Run as a
victory was not up to his standard; so when Lee was driven from Maryland
the document was issued by which all slaves in the United States became
free; and, although thirty-one years have passed at this writing, they are still
dropping in occasionally from the back districts to inquire about the truth of
the report.

STILL DROPPING IN OCCASIONALLY FROM THE BACK DISTRICTS.

CHAPTER XXVII.
STILL MORE FRATERNAL BLOODSHED, ON
PRINCIPLE.—OUTING FEATURES DISAPPEAR, AND
GIVE PLACE TO STRAINED RELATIONS BETWEEN
COMBATANTS, WHO BEGIN TO MIX THINGS.

On December 13 the year's business closed with the battle of
Fredericksburg, under the management of General Burnside. Twelve
thousand Union troops were killed before night mercifully shut down upon
the slaughter.
The Confederates were protected by stone walls and situated upon a
commanding height, from which they were able to shoot down the Yankees
with perfect sang-froid and deliberation.
In the midst of all these discouragements, the red brother fetched loose in
Minnesota, Iowa, and Dakota, and massacred seven hundred men, women,
and children. The outbreak was under the management of Little Crow, and
was confined to the Sioux Nation. Thirty-nine of these Indians were hanged
on the same scaffold at Mankato, Minnesota, as a result of this wholesale
murder.
This execution constitutes one of the green spots in the author's memory. In
all lives now and then an oasis is liable to fall. This was oasis enough to last
the writer for years.
In 1863 the Federal army numbered about seven hundred thousand men,
and the Confederates about three hundred and fifty thousand. Still it took
two more years to close the war.
It is held now by good judges that the war was prolonged by the jealousy
existing between Union commanders who wanted to be President or
something else, and that it took so much time for the generals to keep their

eyes on caucuses and county papers at home that they fought best when
surprised and attacked by the foe.
General Grant moved again on Vicksburg, and on May 1, defeated
Pemberton at Fort Gibson. He also prevented a junction between Joseph E.
Johnston and Pemberton, and drove the latter into Vicksburg, securing the
stopper so tightly that after forty-seven days the garrison surrendered, July
4. This fight cost the Confederates thirty-seven thousand prisoners, ten
thousand killed and wounded, and immense quantities of stores. It was a
warm time in Vicksburg; a curious man who stuck his hat out for twenty
seconds above the ramparts found fifteen bullet-holes in it when he took it
down, and when he wore it to church he attracted more attention than the
collection.
The North now began to sit up and take notice. Morning papers began to
sell once more, and Grant was the name on every tongue.
The Mississippi was open to the Gulf, and the Confederacy was practically
surrounded.

ATTRACTED MORE ATTENTION THAN THE COLLECTION.

Rosecrans would have moved on the enemy, but learned that the foe had
several head of cavalry more than he did, also a team of artillery. At this
time John Morgan made a raid into Ohio. He surrounded Cincinnati, but did
not take it, as he was not keeping house at the time and hated to pay storage
on it. He got to Parkersburg, West Virginia, and was captured there with
almost his entire force.
On September 19 and 20 occurred the battle of Chickamauga. Longstreet
rushed into a breach in the Union line and swept it with a great big besom
of wrath with which he had wisely provided himself on starting out.
Rosecrans felt mortified when he came to himself and found that his horse
had been so unmanageable that he had carried him ten miles from the
carnage.
But the left, under Thomas, held fast its position, and no doubt saved the
little band of sixty thousand men which Rosecrans commanded at the time.
His army now found itself shut up in intrenchments, with Bragg on the hills
threatening the Union forces with starvation.
On November 24-25 a battle near Chattanooga took place, with Grant at the
head of the Federal forces. Hooker came to join him from the Army of the
Potomac, and Sherman hurried to his standard from Iuka. Thomas made a
dash and captured Orchard Knob, and Hooker, on the following day,
charged Lookout Mountain.
This was the most brilliant, perhaps, of Grant's victories. It is known as the
"battle of Missionary Ridge." Hooker had exceeded his prerogative and
kept on after capturing the crest of Lookout Mountain, while Sherman was
giving the foe several varieties of fits, from the north, when Grant
discovered that before him the line was being weakened in order to help the
Confederate flanks. So with Thomas he crossed through the first line and
over the rifle-pits, forgot that he had intended to halt and reform, and
concluded to wait and reform after the war was over, when he should have
more time, and that night along the entire line of heights the camp-fires of
the Union army winked at one another in ghoulish glee.
The army under Bragg was routed, and Bragg resigned his command.

Burnside, who had been relieved of the command of the Army of the
Potomac, was sent to East Tennessee, where the brave but frost-bitten
troops of Longstreet shut him up at Knoxville and compelled him to board
at the railroad eating-house there.
Sherman's worn and weary boys were now ordered at once to the relief of
Burnside, and Longstreet, getting word of it, made a furious assault on the
former, who repulsed him with loss, and he went away from there as
Sherman approached from the west.

"WHERE AM I?"

Hooker had succeeded Burnside in the command of the Army of the
Potomac, and he judged that, as Lee was now left with but sixty thousand
men, while the Army of the Potomac contained one hundred thousand who
craved out-of-door exercise, he might do well to go and get Lee, returning

in the cool of the evening. Lee, however, accomplished the division of his
army while concealed in the woods and sent Jackson to fall on Hooker's
rear. The close of the fight found Hooker on his old camping-ground
opposite Fredericksburg, murmuring to himself, in a dazed sort of way,
"Where am I?" Lee felt so good over this that he decided to go North and
get something to eat. He also decided to get catalogues and price-lists of
Philadelphia and New York while there. Threatening Baltimore in order to
mislead General Meade, who was now in command of the Federals, Lee
struck into Pennsylvania and met with the Union cavalry a little west of
Gettysburg on the Chambersburg road. It is said that Gettysburg was not
intended by either army as the site for the battle, Lee hoping to avoid a
fight, depending as he did on the well-known hospitality of the
Pennsylvanians, and Meade intending to have the fight at Pipe Creek, where
he had some property.
July 1-2-3 were the dates of this memorable battle. The first day was rather
favorable to Lee, quite a number of Yankee prisoners being taken while
they were lost in the crowded streets of Gettysburg.
The second day was opened by Longstreet, who charged the Union left, and
ran across Sickles, who had by mistake formed in the way of Meade's
intended line of battle. They outflanked him, but, as they swung around
him, Warren met them with a diabolical welcome, which stayed them.
Sickles found himself on Cemetery Ridge, while the Confederates under
Ewell were on Culp's Hill.
On the third day, at one P.M., Lee opened with one hundred and fifty guns
on Cemetery Ridge. The air was a hornet's nest of screaming shells with
fiery tails. As it lulled a little, out of the woods came eighteen thousand men
in battle-array extending over a mile in length. The Yankees knew a good
thing when they saw it, and they paused to admire this beautiful gathering
of foemen in whose veins there flowed the same blood as in their own, and
whose ancestors had stood shoulder to shoulder with their own in a hundred
battles for freedom.
Their sentiment gave place to shouts of battle, and into the silent phalanx a
hundred guns poured their red-hot messages of death. The golden grain was
drenched with the blood of men no less brave because they were not

victorious, and the rich fields of Pennsylvania drank with thirsty eagerness
the warm blood of many a Southern son.
Yet they moved onward. Volley after volley of musketry mowed them
down, and the puny reaper in the neglected grain gave place to the grim
reaper Death, all down that unwavering line of gray and brown.
They marched up to the Union breastworks, bayoneted the gunners at their
work, planted their flags on the parapets, and, while the Federals converged
from every point to this, exploding powder burned the faces of these
contending hosts, who, hand to hand, fought each other to death, while far-
away widows and orphans multiplied to mourn through the coming years
over this ghastly folly of civil war.
Whole companies of the Confederates rushed as prisoners into the arms of
their enemies, and the shattered remnant of the battered foe retreated from
the field.
While all this was going on in Pennsylvania, Pemberton was arranging
terms of surrender at Vicksburg, and from this date onward the Confederacy
began to wobble in its orbit, and the President of this ill-advised but bitterly
punished scheme began to wish that he had been in Canada when the war
broke out.
In April of the same year Admiral Dupont, an able seaman with massive
whiskers, decided to run the fortifications at Charleston with iron-clads, but
the Charleston people thought they could run them themselves. So they
drove him back after the sinking of the Kennebec and the serious injury of
all the other vessels.
General Gillmore then landed with troops. Fort Wagner was captured. The
54th Regiment of colored troops, the finest organized in the Free States,
took a prominent part and fought with great coolness and bravery. By
December there were fifty thousand colored troops enlisted, and before the
war closed over two hundred thousand.
It is needless to say that this made the Yankee unpopular at the time in the
best society of the South.

General Gillmore attempted to
capture Sumter, and did reduce
it to a pulp, but when he went to
gather it he was met by a
garrison still concealed in the
basement, and peppered with
volleys of hot shingle-nails and
other bric-à-brac, which forced
him to retire with loss.
He said afterward that Fort
Sumter was not desirable
anyhow.
This closed the most
memorable year of the war,
with the price of living at the
South running up to eight
hundred and nine hundred
dollars per day, and currency PRICE OF LIVING RUNNING
UP TO EIGHT HUNDRED AND NINE
depreciating so rapidly that HUNDRED DOLLARS PER DAY.
one's salary had to be advanced
every morning in order to keep pace with the price of mule-steaks.

CHAPTER XXVIII.
LAST YEAR OF THE DISAGREEABLE WAR.

General Grant was now in command of all the Union troops, and in 1864-5
the plan of operation was to prevent the junction of the Confederates,—
General Grant seeking to interest the army in Virginia under General Lee,
and General Sherman the army of General Joseph E. Johnston in Georgia.
Sherman started at once, and came upon Johnston located on almost
impregnable hills all the way to Atlanta. The battles of Dalton, Resaca,
Dallas, Lost Mountain, and Kenesaw Mountain preceded Johnston's retreat
to the intrenchments of Atlanta, July 10, Sherman having been on the move
since early in May, 1864.
Jefferson Davis, disgusted with Johnston, placed Hood in command, who
made three heroic attacks upon the Union troops, but was repulsed.
Sherman now gathered fifteen days' rations from the neighbors, and,
throwing his forces across Hood's line of supplies, compelled him to
evacuate the city.
The historian says that Sherman was entirely supplied from Nashville via
railroad during this trip, but the author knows of his own personal
knowledge that there were times when he got his fresh provisions along the
road.

GETTING FRESH PROVISIONS ALONG THE ROAD.

This expedition cost the Union army thirty thousand men and the
Confederates thirty-five thousand. Besides, Georgia was the Confederacy,
so far as arms, grain, etc., were concerned. Sherman attributed much of his
success to the fact that he could repair and operate the railroad so rapidly.
Among his men were Yankee machinists and engineers, who were as
necessary as courageous fighters.
"We are held here during many priceless hours," said the general, "because
the enemy has spoiled this passenger engine. Who knows any thing about
repairing an engine?"
"I do," said a dusty tramp in blue. "I can repair this one in an hour."
"What makes you think so?"
"Well, I made it."
This was one of the strong features of Sherman's army. Among the hundred
thousand who composed it there were so many active brains and skilled

hands that the toot of the engine caught the heels of the last echoing shout
of the battle.
Learning that Hood proposed to invade Tennessee, Sherman prepared to
march across Georgia to the sea, and if necessary to tramp through the
Atlantic States.
Hood was sorry afterwards that he invaded Tennessee. He shut Thomas up
in Nashville after a battle with Schofield, and kept the former in-doors for
two weeks, when all of a sudden Thomas exclaimed, "Air! air! give me
air!" and came out, throwing Hood into headlong flight, when the Union
cavalry fell on his rear, followed by the infantry, and the forty thousand
Confederates became a scattered and discouraged mob spread out over
several counties.
The burning of Atlanta preceded Sherman's march, and, though one of the
saddest features of the war, was believed to be a military necessity. Those
who declare war hoping to have a summer's outing thereby may live to
regret it for many bitter years.
On November 16, Sherman started, his army moving in four columns,
constituting altogether a column of fire by night, and a pillar of cloud and
dust by day. Kilpatrick's cavalry scoured the country like a mass meeting of
ubiquitous little black Tennessee hornets.
In five weeks Sherman had marched three hundred miles, had destroyed
two railroads, had stormed Fort McAllister, and had captured Savannah.
On the 5th and 6th of May, 1864, occurred the battle of the Wilderness, near
the old battleground of Chancellorsville. No one could describe it, for it was
fought in the dense woods, and the two days of useless butchery with not
the slightest signs of civilized warfare sickened both armies, and, with no
victory for either, they retired to their intrenchments.
Grant, instead of retreating, however, quietly passed the flank of the
Confederates and started for Spottsylvania Court-House, where a battle
occurred May 8-12.
Here the two armies fought five days without any advantage to either. It
was at this time that Grant sent his celebrated despatch stating that he

"proposed to fight it out on this line if it took all summer."
Finally he sought to turn Lee's right flank. June 8, the battle of Cold Harbor
followed this movement. The Union forces were shot down in the mire and
brush by Lee's troops, now snugly in out of the wet, behind the Cold Harbor
defences. One historian says that in twenty minutes ten thousand Yankee
troops were killed; though Badeau, whose accuracy in counting dead has
always been perfectly marvellous, admits only seven thousand in all.
Grant now turned his attention towards Petersburg, but Lee was there before
him and intrenched, so the Union army had to intrench. This only postponed
the evil day, however.
Things now shaped themselves into a siege of Richmond, with Petersburg
as the first outpost of the besieged capital.
On the 30th of July, eight thousand pounds of powder were carefully
inserted under a Confederate fort and the entire thing hoisted in the air,
leaving a huge hole, in which, a few hours afterwards, many a boy in blue
met his death, for in the assault which followed the explosion the Union
soldiers were mowed down by the concentrated fire of the Confederates.
The Federals threw away four thousand lives here.
On the 18th of August the Weldon Railroad was captured, which was a
great advantage to Grant, and, though several efforts were made to
recapture it, they were unsuccessful.

PAUSING TO GET LAUNDRY-WORK DONE.

General Early was delegated to threaten Washington and scare the able
officers of the army who were stopping there at that time talking politics
and abusing Grant. He defeated General Wallace at Monocacy River, and
appeared before Fort Stevens, one of the defences of Washington, July 11.
Had he whooped right along instead of pausing a day somewhere to get
laundry-work done before entering Washington, he would easily have
captured the city.
Reinforcements, however, got there ahead of him, and he had to go back.
He sent a force of cavalry into Pennsylvania, where they captured
Chambersburg and burned it on failure of the town trustees to pay five
hundred thousand dollars ransom.

General Sheridan was placed in charge of the troops here, and defeated
Early at Winchester, riding twenty miles in twenty minutes, as per poem. At
Fisher's Hill he was also victorious. He devastated the Valley of the
Shenandoah to such a degree that a crow passing the entire length of the
valley had to carry his dinner with him.
It was, however, at the battle of Cedar Creek that Sheridan was twenty
miles away, according to historical prose. Why he was twenty miles away,
various and conflicting reasons are given, but on his good horse Rienzi he
arrived in time to turn defeat and rout into victory and hilarity.
Rienzi, after the war, died in eleven States. He was a black horse, with a
saddle-gall and a flashing eye.
He passed away at his home in Chicago at last in poverty while waiting for
a pension applied for on the grounds of founder and lampers brought on by
eating too heartily after the battle and while warm, but in the line of duty.
The Red River campaign under General Banks was a joint naval and land
expedition, resulting in the capture of Fort de Russy, March 14, after which,
April 8, the troops marching towards Shreveport in very open order, single
file or holding one another's hands and singing "John Brown's Body," were
attacked by General Dick Taylor, and if Washington had not been so far
away and through a hostile country, Bull Run would have had another rival.
But the boys rallied, and next day repulsed the Confederates, after which
they returned to New Orleans, where board was more reasonable. General
Banks obtained quite a relief at this time: he was relieved of his command.
August 5, Commodore Farragut captured Mobile, after a neat and attractive
naval fight, and on the 24th and 25th of December Commodore Porter and
General Butler started out to take Fort Fisher. After two days' bombardment,
Butler decided that there were other forts to be had on better terms, and
returned. Afterwards General Terry commanded the second expedition,
Porter having remained on hand with his vessels to assist. January 15, 1865,
the most heroic fighting on both sides resulted, and at last, completely
hemmed in, the brave and battered garrison surrendered; but no one who
was there need blush to say so, even to-day.

At the South at this time coffee was fifty dollars a pound and gloves were
one hundred and fifty dollars a pair. Flour was forty dollars a barrel; but you
could get a barrel of currency for less than that.
Money was plenty, but what was needed seemed to be confidence. Running
the blockade was not profitable at that time, since over fifteen hundred head
of Confederate vessels were captured during the war.
The capture of Fort Fisher closed the last port of the South, and left the
Confederacy no show with foreign Powers or markets.
The Alabama was an armed steam-ship, and the most unpleasant feature of
the war to the Federal government, especially as she had more sympathy
and aid in England than was asked for or expected by the Unionists.
However, England has since repaid all this loss in various ways. She has put
from five to eight million dollars into cattle on the plains of the Northwest,
where the skeletons of same may be found bleaching in the summer sun;
and I am personally acquainted with six Americans now visiting England
who can borrow enough in a year to make up all the losses sustained
through the Alabama and other neutral vessels.

PERSONALLY ACQUAINTED WITH SIX AMERICANS.

Captain Semmes commanded the Alabama, and off Cherbourg he sent a
challenge to the Kearsarge, commanded by Captain Winslow, who accepted
it, and so worked his vessel that the Alabama had to move round him in a
circle, while he filled her up with iron, lead, copper, tin, German silver,
glass, nails, putty, paint, varnishes, and dye-stuff. At the seventh rotation the
Alabama ran up the white flag and sunk with a low mellow plunk. The crew

was rescued by Captain Winslow and the English yacht Deerhound, the
latter taking Semmes and starting for England.
This matter, however, was settled in after-years.
The care of the sick, the dying, and the dead in the Union armies was
almost entirely under the eye of the merciful and charitable, loyal and
loving members of the Sanitary and Christian Commissions, whose work
and its memory kept green in the hearts of the survivors and their children
will be monument enough for the coming centuries.
In July, 1864, the debt of the country was two billion dollars and twenty
cents. Two dollars and ninety cents in greenbacks would buy a reluctant
gold dollar.
Still, Abraham Lincoln was re-elected against George B. McClellan, the
Democratic candidate, who carried only three States. This was endorsement
enough for the policy of President Lincoln.
Sherman's army of sixty thousand, after a month's rest at Savannah, started
north to unite with Grant in the final blow. "Before it was terror, behind it
ashes."
Columbia was captured February 17, and burned, without Sherman's
authority, the night following. Charleston was evacuated the next day.
Johnston was recalled to take command, and opposed the march of
Sherman, but was driven back after fierce engagements at Bentonville and
Averysboro. On March 25 Lee decided to attack Grant, and, while the latter
was busy, get out of Richmond and join Johnston, but when this battle,
known as the attack on Fort Steadman, was over, Grant's hold was tighter
than ever.
Sheridan attacked Lee's rear with a heavy force, and at Five Forks, April 1,
the surprised garrison was defeated with five thousand captured. The next
day the entire Union army advanced, and the line of Confederate
intrenchments was broken. On the following day Petersburg and Richmond
were evacuated, but Mr. Davis was not there. He had gone away. Rather
than meet General Grant and entertain him when there was no pie in the
house, he and the Treasury had escaped from the haunts of man, wishing to

commune with nature for a while. He was captured at Irwinsville, Georgia,
under peculiar and rather amusing circumstances.
He was never punished, with the exception perhaps that he published a
book and did not realize anything from it.
Lee fled to the westward, but was pursued by the triumphant Federals,
especially by Sheridan, whose cavalry hung on his flanks day and night.
Food failed the fleeing foe, and the young shoots of trees for food and the
larger shoots of the artillery between meals were too much for that proud
army, once so strong and confident.
Let us not dwell on the particulars.
As Sheridan planted his cavalry squarely across Lee's path of retreat, the
worn but heroic tatters of a proud army prepared to sell themselves for a
bloody ransom and go down fighting, but Grant had demanded their
surrender, and, seeing back of the galling, skirmishing cavalry solid walls of
confident infantry, the terms of surrender were accepted by General Lee,
and April 9 the Confederate army stacked its arms near Appomattox Court-
House.
The Confederate war debt was never paid, for some reason or other, but the
Federal debt when it was feeling the best amounted to two billion eight
hundred and forty-four million dollars. One million men lost their lives.
Was it worth while?
In the midst of the general rejoicing, President Lincoln was assassinated by
John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre, April 14. The assassin was captured in
a dying condition in a burning barn, through a crack in the boarding of
which he had been shot by a soldier named Boston Corbett. He died with no
sympathetic applause to soothe the dull, cold ear of death.
West Virginia was admitted to the Union in 1863, and Nevada in 1864.
The following chapters will be devoted to more peaceful details, while we
cheerfully close the sorrowful pages in which we have confessed that, with
all our greatness as a nation, we could not stay the tide of war.

CHAPTER XXIX.
TOO MUCH LIBERTY IN PLACES AND NOT ENOUGH
ELSEWHERE.—THOUGHTS ON THE LATE WAR—
WHO IS THE BIGGER ASS, THE MAN WHO WILL
NOT FORGIVE AND FORGET, OR THE MAWKISH
AND MOIST-EYED SNIVELLER WHO WANTS TO DO
THAT ALL THE TIME?

When Patrick Henry put his old cast-iron spectacles on the top of his head
and whooped for liberty, he did not know that some day we should have
more of it than we knew what to do with. He little dreamed that the time
would come when we should have more liberty than we could pay for.
When Mr. Henry sawed the air and shouted for liberty or death, I do not
believe that he knew the time would come when Liberty would stand on
Bedloe's Island and yearn for rest and change of scene.
It seems to me that we have too much liberty in this country in some ways.
We have more liberty than we have money. We guarantee that every man in
America shall fill himself up full of liberty at our expense, and the less of
an American he is the more liberty he can have. Should he desire to enjoy
himself, all he needs is a slight foreign accent and a willingness to mix up
with politics as soon as he can get his baggage off the steamer. The more I
study American institutions the more I regret that I was not born a foreigner,
so that I could have something to say about the management of our great
land. If I could not be a foreigner, I believe I should prefer to be a
policeman or an Indian not taxed.

PATRICK HENRY'S GREAT SPEECH.

I am often led to ask, in the language of the poet, "Is civilization a failure,
and is the Caucasian played out?"
Almost every one can have a good deal of fun in America except the
American. He seems to be so busy paying his taxes that he has very little
time to vote, or to mingle in society's giddy whirl, or to mix up with the
nobility. That is the reason why the alien who rides across the United States
in the "Limited Mail" and writes a book about us before breakfast wonders
why we are always in a hurry. That also is the reason why we have to throw

our meals into ourselves with such
despatch, and hardly have time to maintain
a warm personal friendship with our
families.
We do not care much for wealth, but we
must have freedom, and freedom costs
money. We have advertised to furnish a
bunch of freedom to every man, woman,
and child who comes to our shores, and we
are going to deliver the goods whether we
have any left for ourselves or not.
What would the great world beyond the
seas say to us if some day the blue-eyed
Oriental, with his heart full of love for our
female seminaries and our old women's
homes, should land upon our coasts and
crave freedom in car-load lots but find that
we were using all the liberty ourselves? But WASTHE MORE I REGRET THAT I
NOT BORN A FOREIGNER.
what do we want of liberty, anyhow? What
could we do with it if we had it? It takes a
man of leisure to enjoy liberty, and we have no leisure whatever. It is a good
thing to keep in the house for the use of guests, but we don't need it for
ourselves.
Therefore we have a statue of Liberty Enlightening the World, because it
shows that we keep Liberty on tap winter and summer. We want the whole
broad world to remember that when it gets tired of oppression it can come
here to America and oppress us. We are used to it, and we rather like it. If
we don't like it, we can get on the steamer and go abroad, where we may
visit the effete monarchies and have a high old time.
The sight of the Goddess of Liberty standing there in New York harbor
night and day, bathing her feet in the rippling sea, is a good thing. It is first-
rate. It may also be productive of good in a direction that many have not
thought of. As she stands there day after day, bathing her feet in the broad
Atlantic, perhaps some moss-grown alien landing on our shore and moving

toward the Far West may fix the bright picture in his so-called mind, and,
remembering how, on his arrival in New York, he saw Liberty bathing her
feet with impunity, he may be led in after-years to try it on himself.

MAY BE LED TO TRY IT ON HIMSELF.

More citizens and less voters will some day be adopted as the motto of the
Republic.
One reference to the late war, and I will close. I want to refer especially to
the chronic reconciler who when war was declared was not involved in it,
but who now improves every opportunity, especially near election-time, to
get out a tired olive-branch and make a tableau of himself. He is worse than
the man who cannot forgive or forget.
The growth of reconciliation between the North and the South is the slow
growth of years, and the work of generations. When any man, North or

South, in a public place takes occasion to talk in a mellow and mawkish
way of the great love he now has for his old enemy, watch him. He is
getting ready to ask a favor. There is a beautiful, poetic idea in the reunion
of two contending and shattered elements of a great nation. There is
something beautifully pathetic in the picture of the North and the South
clasped in each other's arms and shedding a torrent of hot tears down each
other's backs as it is done in a play, but do you believe that the aged mothers
on either side have learned to love the foe with much violence yet? Do you
believe that the crippled veteran, North or South, now passionately loves
the adversary who robbed him of his glorious youth, made him a feeble
ruin, and mowed down his comrades with swift death? Do you believe that
either warrior is so fickle that he has entirely deserted the cause for which
he fought? Even the victor cannot ask that.
"Let the gentle finger of time undo, so far as may be, the devastation
wrought by the war, and let succeeding generations seek through natural
methods to reunite the business and the traffic that were interrupted by the
war. Let the South guarantee to the Northern investor security to himself
and his investment, and he will not ask for the love which we read of in
speeches but do not expect and do not find in the South.
"Two warring parents on the verge of divorce have been saved the disgrace
of separation and agreed to maintain their household for the sake of their
children. Their love has been questioned by the world, and their relations
strained. Is it not bad taste for them to pose in public and make a cheap
Romeo and Juliet tableau of themselves?
"Let time and merciful silence obliterate the scars of war, and succeeding
generations, fostered by the smiles of national prosperity, soften the
bitterness of the past and mellow the memory of a mighty struggle in which
each contending host called upon Almighty God to sustain the cause which
it honestly believed to be just."
Let us be contented during this generation with the assurance that
geographically the Union has been preserved, and that each contending
warrior has once more taken up the peaceful struggle for bettering and
beautifying the home so bravely fought for.

CHAPTER XXX.
RECONSTRUCTION WITHOUT PAIN—
ADMINISTRATIONS OF JOHNSON AND GRANT.

It was feared that the return of a million Federal soldiers to their homes
after the four years of war would make serious trouble in the North, but
they were very shortly adjusted to their new lives and attending to the duties
which peace imposed upon them.
The war of the Rebellion was disastrous to nearly every branch of trade, but
those who remained at home to write the war-songs of the North did well.
Some of these efforts were worthy, and, buoyed up by a general feeling of
robust patriotism, they floated on to success; but few have stood the test of
years and monotonous peace. The author of "Mother, I am hollow to the
ground" is just depositing his profits from its sale in the picture given on
next page. The second one, wearing the cape-overcoat tragedy air, wrote
"Who will be my laundress now?"
Andrew Johnson succeeded to Mr. Lincoln's seat, having acted before as his
vice.
A great review of the army, lasting twelve hours, was arranged to take place
in Washington, consisting of the armies of Grant and Sherman. It was
reviewed by the President and Cabinet; it extended over thirty miles twenty
men deep, and constituted about one-fifth of the Northern army at the time
peace was declared.

THE STAY-AT-HOMES WHO WROTE WAR-SONGS.

President Johnson recognized the State governments existing in Virginia,
Tennessee, Arkansas, and Louisiana, but instituted provisional governments
for the other States of the defeated Confederacy, as it seemed impossible
otherwise to bring order out of the chaos which war and financial distress
had brought about. He authorized the assembly also of loyal conventions to
elect State and other officers, and pardoned by proclamation everybody,
with the exception of a certain class of the late insurgents whom he
pardoned personally.
On Christmas Day, 1868, a Universal Amnesty was declared. The
Thirteenth Amendment, abolishing slavery, became a part of the
Constitution, December 18, 1865, and the former masters found themselves
still morally responsible for these colored people, without the right to
control them or even the money with which to employ them.
The annual interest on the national debt at this time amounted to one
hundred and fifty million dollars. Yet the Treasury paid this, together with
the expenses of government, and reduced the debt seventy-one million
dollars before the volunteer army had been fully discharged in 1866.

Comment on such recuperative power as that is unnecessary; for the
generation that fights a four-years war costing over two billions of dollars
generally leaves the debt for another generation or another century to pay.
Congress met finally, ignored the President's rollicking welcome to the
seceded States, and over his veto proceeded to pass various laws regarding
their admission, such as the Civil Rights and Freedman's Bureau Bills.
Tennessee returned promptly to the Union under the Constitutional
Amendments, but the others did not till the nightmare of Reconstruction
had been added to the horrors of war. In 1868, after much time worse than
wasted in carpet-bag government and a mob reign in the South which
imperilled her welfare for many years after it was over, by frightening
investors and settlers long after peace had been restored, representatives
began to come into Congress under the laws.
During this same year the hostilities between Congress and the President
culminated in an effort to impeach the latter. He escaped by one vote.
It is very likely that the assassination of Lincoln was the most unfortunate
thing that happened to the Southern States. While he was not a warrior, he
was a statesman, and no gentler hand or more willing brain could have
entered with enthusiasm into the adjustment of chaotic conditions, than his.
The Fourteenth Amendment, a bright little bon mot, became a law June 28,
1868, and was written in the minutes of Congress, so that people could go
there and refresh their memories regarding it. It guaranteed civil rights to
all, regardless of race, color, odor, wildness or wooliness whatsoever, and
allows all noses to be counted in Congressional representations, no matter
what angle they may be at or what the color may be.
Some American citizens murmur at taxation without representation, but the
negro murmurs at representation without remuneration.
The Fenian excitement of 1866 died out without much loss of life.
In October, 1867, Alaska was purchased from Russia for seven million two
hundred thousand dollars. The ice-crop since then would more than pay for
the place, and it has also a water-power and cranberry marsh on it.

The rule of the Imperialists in France prompted the appointment of
Maximilian, Archduke of Austria, as Emperor of Mexico, supported by the
French army. The Americans, still sore and in debt at the heels of their own
war, pitied the helpless Mexicans, and, acting on the principles enunciated
in the Monroe Doctrine, demanded the recall of Maximilian, who, deserted
finally by his foreign abettors, was defeated and as a prisoner shot by the
Mexicans, June 19, 1867.
The Atlantic cable was laid from Valentia Bay in Ireland to Heart's Content,
Newfoundland, one thousand eight hundred and sixty-four miles, and the
line from New York to the latter place built in 1856, a distance of one
thousand miles, making in all, as keen mathematicians will see, two
thousand eight hundred and sixty-four miles.
A very agreeable commercial treaty with China was arranged in 1868.
Grant and Colfax, Republicans, succeeded Andrew Johnson in the next
election, Horatio Seymour, of New York, and Frank P. Blair, of Missouri,
being the Democratic nominees. Virginia and Mississippi had not been fully
reconstructed, and so were not yet permitted to vote. They have squared the
matter up since, however, by voting with great enthusiasm.
In 1869 the Pacific Railroad was completed, whereby the trip from the
Atlantic to the Pacific—three thousand and three hundred miles—might be
made in a week. It also attracted the Asiatic trade, and tea, silk, spices, and
leprosy found a new market in the land of the free and the home of the
brave.
Still flushed with its success in humorous legislation, Congress, on the 30th
of March, 1870, passed the Fifteenth Amendment, giving to the colored
men the right to vote. It then became a part of the Constitution, and people
who have seen it there speak very highly of it.
Prosperity now attracted no attention whatever. Gold, worth nearly three
dollars at the close of the war, fell to a dollar and ten cents, and the debt
during the first two years of this administration was reduced two hundred
million dollars.
Genuine peace reigned in the entire Republic, and o'er the scarred and shell-
torn fields of the South there waved, in place of hostile banners, once more

the cotton and the corn. The red foliage of the gum-tree with the white in
the snowy white cotton-fields and the blue-grass of Kentucky (blue-grass is
not, strictly speaking, blue enough to figure in the national colors, but the
author has taken out a poetic license which does not expire for over a year
yet, and he therefore under its permission is allowed a certain amount of
idiocy) showed that the fields had never forgotten their loyalty to the
national colors. Peace under greatly changed conditions resumed her
vocations, and, in the language of the poet,—
"There were domes of white blossoms where swelled the white tent;
There were ploughs in the track where the war-wagons went;
There were songs where they lifted up Rachel's lament."
October 8, 1871, occurred the great fire in Chicago, raging for forty-eight
hours and devastating three thousand acres of the city. Twenty-five
thousand buildings were burned, and two hundred million dollars' worth of
property. One hundred thousand people lost their houses, and over seven
and one-half millions of dollars were raised for those who needed it, all
parts of the world uniting to improve the joyful opportunity to do good,
without a doubt of its hearty appreciation.
Boston also had a seventy-million dollar fire in the heart of the wholesale
trade, covering sixty acres; and in the prairie and woods fires of Wisconsin,
Minnesota, and Michigan, many people lost not only their homes but their
lives. Fifteen hundred people perished in Wisconsin alone.
In 1871 the damage done by the Alabama, a British-built ship, and several
other cruisers sent out partly to facilitate the cotton trade and partly to do a
little fighting when a Federal vessel came that way, was assessed at fifteen
million five hundred thousand dollars against Great Britain by the
arbitrators who met at Geneva, Switzerland, and the northwestern boundary
line between the United States and British America was settled by
arbitration, the Emperor of Germany acting as arbitrator and deciding in
favor of America.
This showed that people who have just wound up a big war have often
learned some valuable sense; not two billion dollars' worth, perhaps, but
some.

San Domingo was reported for sale, and a committee looked at it, priced it,
etc., but Congress decided not to buy it.
The Liberal Republican party, or that element of the original party which
was opposed to the administration, nominated Horace Greeley, of New
York, while the old party renominated General Grant for the term to
succeed himself. The latter was elected, and Mr. Greeley did not long
survive his defeat.
The Modoc Indians broke loose in the early part of Grant's second term,
and, leaping from their lava-beds early in the morning, Shacknasty Jim and
other unlaundried children of the forest raised merry future punishment, and
the government, always kind, always loving and sweet toward the red
brother, sent a peace commission with popcorn balls and a gentle-voiced
parson to tell Shacknasty James and Old Stand-up-and-Sit-down that the
white father at Washington loved them and wanted them all to come and
spend the summer at his house, and also that by sin death came into the
world, and that we were all primordial germs at first, and that we should
look up, not down, look out, not in, look forward, not backward, and lend a
hand.

PEACE COMMISSION POW-WOWING WITH THE MODOCS.

It was at this moment that Early-to-Bed-and Early-to-Rise-Black Hawk and
Shacknasty James, thinking that this thing had gone far enough, killed
General Canby and wounded both Mr. Meacham and Rev. Dr. Thomas, who
had never had an unkind thought toward the Modocs in their lives.
The troops then allowed their ill temper to get the best of them, and asked
the Modocs if they meant anything personal by their action, and, learning
that they did, the soldiers did what with the proper authority they would
have done at first, bombarded the children of the forest and mussed up their
lava-beds so that they were glad to surrender.
In 1873 a panic occurred after the failure of Jay Cooke & Co., of
Philadelphia, and a money stringency followed, the Democrats attributing it
a good deal to the party in power, just as cheap Republicans twenty years
later charged the Democratic administration with this same thing.
Inconsistency of this kind keeps good men, like the writer, out of politics,
and turns their attention toward the contemplation of a better land.

TALKING ABOUT THE CENTENNIAL.

In 1875 Centennial Anniversaries began to ripen and continued to fall off
the different branches of government, according to the history of events so
graphically set forth in the preceding pages. They were duly celebrated by a
happy and self-made people. The Centennial Exposition at Philadelphia in
1876 was a marked success in every way, nearly ten millions of people
having visited it, who claimed that it was well worth the price of admission.
Aside from the fact that these ten millions of people had talked about it to
millions of folks at home,—or thought they had,—the Exposition was a
boon to every one, and thousands of Americans went home with a
knowledge of their country that they had never had before, and pointers on
blowing out gas which saved many lives in after-years.

MOVE ON, MAROON BROTHER, MOVE ON!

CHAPTER XXXI.
CLOSING CHRONICLES.

In 1876 the peaceful Sioux took an outing, having refused to go to their
reservation in accordance with the treaty made with the Great Father at
Washington, D. C., and regular troops were sent against them.
General Custer, with the 7th Regiment, led the advance, and General Terry
aimed for the rear of the children of the forest up the Big Horn. Here, on the
25th of June, without assistance, and with characteristic courage, General
Custer attacked the enemy, sending Colonel Reno to fall on the rear of the
village.
Scarcely enough of Custer's own command with him at the time lived long
enough to tell the story of the battle. General Custer, his two brothers, and
his nephew were among the dead. Reno held his ground until reinforced,
but Custer's troops were exterminated.
It is said that the Sioux rose from the ground like bunch-grass and swarmed
up the little hill like a pest of grasshoppers, mowing down the soldiers with
the very newest and best weapons of warfare, and leaving nothing at last
but the robbed and mutilated bodies lying naked in the desolate land of the
Dakotah.
The Fenimore Cooper Indian is no doubt a brave and highly intellectual
person, educated abroad, refined and cultivated by foreign travel, graceful
in the grub dance or scalp walk-around, yet tender-hearted as a girl, walking
by night fifty-seven miles in a single evening to warn his white friends of
danger. The Indian introduced into literature was a bronze Apollo who
bathed almost constantly and only killed white people who were unpleasant
and coarse. He dressed in new and fresh buckskins, with trimming of same,
and his sable hair hung glossy and beautiful down the coppery billows of
muscles on his back.

The real Indian has the dead and unkempt hair of a busted buggy-cushion
filled with hen feathers. He lies, he steals, he assassinates, he mutilates, he
tortures. He needs Persian powder long before he needs the theology which
abler men cannot agree upon. We can, in fact, only retain him as we do the
buffalo, so long as he complies with the statutes. But the red brother is on
his way to join the cave-bear, the three-toed horse, and the ichthyosaurus in
the great fossil realm of the historic past. Move on, maroon brother, move
on!

ON HIS WAY TO JOIN THE CAVE-BEAR, THE THREE-TOED HORSE, AND THE
ICHTHYOSAURUS.

Rutherford B. Hayes and William A. Wheeler were nominated in the
summer of 1876, and so close was the fight against Samuel J. Tilden and
Thomas A. Hendricks that friends of the latter to this day refer to the
selection of Hayes and Wheeler by a joint Electoral Commission to whom
the contested election was referred, as a fraud and larceny on the part of the
Republican party. It is not the part of an historian, who is absolutely
destitute of political principles, to pass judgment. Facts have crept into this
history, it is true, but no one could regret it more than the author; yet there

has been no bias or political prejudice shown, other than that reflected from
the historical sources whence information was necessarily obtained.
Hayes was chosen, and gave the country an unruffled, unbiased
administration, devoid of frills, and absolutely free from the appearance of
hostility to any one. He was one of the most conciliatory Presidents ever
elected by Republican votes or counted in by a joint Electoral Commission.
He withdrew all troops from the South, and in several Southern States
things wore a Democratic air at once.
In 1873 Congress demonetized silver, and quite a number of business-men
were demonetized at the same time; so in 1878 silver was made a legal
tender for all debts. As a result, in 1879 gold for the first time in seventeen
years sold at par.
Troubles arose in 1878 over the right to fish in the northeast waters, and the
treaty at Washington resulted in an award to Great Britain of five million
five hundred thousand dollars, with the understanding that wasteful fishing
should cease, and that as soon as either party got enough for a mess he
should go home, no matter how well the fish seemed to be biting.
The right to regulate Chinese immigration was given by treaty at Pekin, and
ever since the Chinaman has entered our enclosures in some mysterious
way, made enough in a few years to live like a potentate in China, and
returned, leaving behind a pleasant memory and a chiffonnier here and there
throughout the country filled with scorched shirt-bosoms, acid-eaten
collars, and white vests with burglar-proof, ingrowing pockets in them.
The next nominations for President and Vice-President were James A.
Garfield, of Ohio, and Chester A. Arthur, of New York, on the Republican
ticket, and Winfield S. Hancock, of Pennsylvania, and William H. English,
of Indiana, on the Democratic ticket. James B. Weaver was connected with
this campaign also. Who will tell us what he had to do with it? Can no one
tell us what James B. Weaver had to do with the campaign of 1881? Very
well; I will tell you what he had to do with the campaign of 1881.
He was the Presidential candidate on the Greenback ticket, but it was kept
so quiet that I am not surprised to know that you did not hear about it.

After the inauguration
of Garfield the
investigation and
annulling of star-route
contracts fraudulently
obtained were carried
out, whereby two
million dollars' worth of
these corrupt
agreements were
rendered null and void.
On the morning of July
2, President Garfield
was shot by a poor,
miserable, unbalanced,
and abnormal growth
whose name will not be
A PERSON JUMPING FROM IT IS NOT ALWAYS KILLED.
discovered even in the
appendix of this work.
He was tried, convicted, and sent squealing into eternity.
The President lingered patiently for two months and a half, when he died.
After the accession of President Arthur, there occurred floods on the lower
Mississippi, whereby one hundred thousand people lost their homes. The
administration was not in any way to blame for this.
In 1883 the Brooklyn Bridge across East River was completed and ready
for jumping purposes. It was regarded as a great engineering success at the
time, but it is now admitted that it is not high enough. A person jumping
from it is not always killed.
The same year the Civil Service Bill became a law. It provides that
competitive examinations shall be made of certain applicants for office,
whereby mail-carriers must prove that they know how to teach school, and
guards in United States penitentiaries are required to describe how to
navigate a ship.

Possibly recent improvements have been made by which the curriculum is
more fitted to the crime, but in the early operations of the law the janitor of
a jail had to know what length shadow would be cast by a pole 18 feet 6¼
inches high on the third day of July at 11 o'clock 30 min. and 20 sec.
standing on a knoll 35 feet 8⅛ inches high, provided 8 men in 9 days can
erect such a pole working 8 hours per day.
In 1883 letter postage was reduced from three cents to two cents per half-
ounce, and in 1885 to two cents per ounce.
In 1884 Alaska was organized as a Territory, and after digging the snow out
of Sitka, so that the governor should not take cold in his system, it was
made the seat of government.
Chinese immigration in 1882 was forbidden for ten years, and in 1884 a
treaty with Mexico was made, a copy of which is on file in the State
Department, but not allowed to be loaned to the author for use in this work.
Grover Cleveland and Thomas A. Hendricks were nominated and elected at
the end of President Arthur's term, running against James G. Blaine and
John A. Logan, the Republican candidates, also Benjamin F. Butler and A.
M. West, of Mississippi, on the People's ticket, and John P. St. John and
William Daniel on the Prohibition ticket. St. John went home and kept bees,
so that he could have honey to eat on his Kansas locusts, and Daniel swore
he would never enter the performing cage of immoral political wild beasts
again while reason remained on her throne.
In 1886 a Presidential succession law was passed, whereby on the death of
the President and the Vice-President the order of succession shall be the
Secretary of State, the Secretary of the Treasury, the Secretary of War, the
Attorney-General, the Postmaster-General, and the Secretaries of the Navy
and of the Interior. This gives the Secretary of Agriculture an extremely
remote and rarefied chance at the Presidency. Still, he should be just as
faithful to his trust as he would be if he were nearer the throne.
May 4, 1886, occurred a terrible outbreak of Chicago Anarchists, whereby
seven policemen sent to preserve order were killed by the bursting of an
Anarchist's bomb. The Anarchists were tried and executed, with the
exception of Ling, who ate a dynamite capsule and passed into rest having

had his features, and especially his nose, blown in a swift and earnest
manner. Death resulted, and whiskers and beer-blossoms are still found
embedded in the stone walls of his cell. Those who attended the funeral say
that Ling from a scenic point of view was not a success.
Governor Altgeld, of Illinois, an amateur American, in the summer of 1893
pardoned two of the Anarchists who had escaped death by imprisonment.
August 31, 1886, in Charleston, occurred several terrible earthquake
shocks, which seriously damaged the city and shocked and impaired the
nerves and health of hundreds of people.
The noted heroism and pluck of the people of Charleston were never shown
to greater advantage than on this occasion.
Mr. Cleveland was again nominated, but was defeated by General Benjamin
Harrison. Hon. James G. Blaine, of Maine, was made Secretary of State,
and Wm. Windom, a veteran financier, Secretary of the Treasury. Secretary
Windom's tragic death just as he had finished a most brilliant address to the
great capitalists of New York after their annual dinner and discussion at
Delmonico's is, and will ever remain, while life lasts, a most dramatic
picture in the author's memory.
Personally, the administration of President Harrison will be long
remembered for the number of deaths among the families of the Executive
and those of his Cabinet and friends.
Nebraska, the thirty-seventh State, was admitted March 1, 1867. The name
signifies "Water Valley." Colorado, the Centennial State, was the thirty-
eighth. She was admitted July 1, 1876. Six other States have been since
admitted when the political sign was right. Still, they have not always stuck
by the party admitting them to the Union. This is the kind of ingratitude
which sometimes leads to the reformation of politicians supposed to have
been dead in sin.
President Harrison's administration was a thoroughly upright and honest
one, so far as it was possible for it to be after his party had drifted into the
musty catacombs of security in office and the ship of state had become
covered with large and expensive barnacles.

As we go to press, his successor, Grover Cleveland, in the first year of his
second administration, is paying a high price for fleeting fame, with the
serious question of what to do with the relative coinage of gold and silver,
and the Democrats in Congress, for the first time in the history of the world,
are referring each other with hot breath and flashing eye to the platform
they adopted at the National Convention.
Heretofore among the politicians a platform, like that on the railway cars,
"is made for the purpose of helping the party to get aboard, but not to ride
on."
The Columbian Exposition and World's Fair at Chicago in the summer of
1893 eclipsed all former Exhibitions, costing more and showing greater
artistic taste, especially in its buildings, than anything preceding it. Some
gentle warfare resulted from a struggle over the question of opening the
"White City" on Sunday, and a great deal of bitterness was shown by those
who opposed the opening and who had for years favored the Sunday
closing of Niagara. A doubtful victory was obtained by the Sunday openers,
for so many of the exhibitors closed their departments that visitors did not
attend on Sunday in paying quantities.
Against a thousand odds and over a thousand obstacles, especially the
apprehension of Asiatic cholera and the actual sudden appearance of a
gigantic money panic, Chicago, heroic and victorious, carried out her
mighty plans and gave to the world an exhibition that won golden opinions
from her friends and stilled in dumb wonder the jealousy of her enemies.
In the mean time, the author begs leave to thank his readers for the rapt
attention shown in perusing these earnest pages, and to apologize for the
tears of sympathy thoughtlessly wrung from eyes unused to weep, by the
graphic word-painting and fine education shown by the author.
It was not the intention of the writer to touch the fountain of tears and create
wash-outs everywhere, but sometimes tears do one good.
In closing, would it be out of place to say that the stringency of the money
market is most noticeable and most painful, and for that reason would it be
too much trouble for the owner of this book to refuse to loan it, thereby

encouraging its sale and contributing to the comfort of a deserving young
man?

THE END.

APPENDIX.
The idea of an appendix to this work was suggested by a relative, who
promised to prepare it, but who has been detained now for over a year in
one of the public buildings of Colorado on the trumped-up charge of horse-
stealing. The very fact that he was not at once hanged shows that the charge
was not fully sustained, and that the horse was very likely of little value.
The Author.

FOOTNOTES
[1] The author acknowledges especially the courtesy of San Diego Colon
Columbus, a son of the great navigator, whose book "Historiadores Primitivos"
was so generously loaned the author by relatives of young Columbus.
I have refrained from announcing in the foregoing chapter the death of
Columbus, which occurred May 20, 1506, at Valladolid, the funeral taking place
from his late residence, because I dislike to give needless pain.
B. N
[2] See Dr. Dunn's Family Physician and Horse Doctor.
[3] This is a stanza from the works of Dempster Winterbottom Woodworth,
M.D., of Ellsworth, Pierce County, Wisconsin, author of the "Diary of Judge
Pierce," and "Life and Times of Melancthon Klingensmith." The thanks of the
author are also due to Baldy Sowers for a loaned copy of "How to Keep up a
Pleasing Correspondence without Conveying Information," 8vo, bevelled
boards, published by Public Printer.
[4] The authority given for this statement, I admit, is meagre, but it is as accurate
as many of the figures by means of which people prove things.—B. N.
[5] While the Union forces did not succeed in beating Stonewall Jackson back,
in returning to Washington they succeeded in beating everybody else back. (See
Appendix.)
[6] The odium to be cast on the person upon whom it should fall for the
sickening defeat at Bull Run was found to be in such wretched condition at the

time these lines were written that it was decided to go on without casting it. The
writer points with pride to the fact that in writing this history fifteen cents' worth
of odium will cover the entire amount used.

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