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Title: The Foolish Dictionary

Author: Gideon Wurdz

Release date: April 1, 2007 [eBook #1989]

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1989

Credits: Produced by David Garcia, Michelle Croyle, Jeannie Howse
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FOOLISH
DICTIONARY ***

Transcriber's Note:

Inconsistent hyphenation in the original document has been preserved.
What seems like obvious typographical errors have been corrected in this
text. For a complete list, please see the end of this document.
This book was not paginated in the original.

GIDEON WURDZ.

The
FOOLISH
DICTIONARY

An exhausting work of reference
to un-certain English words, their
origin, meaning, legitimate
and illegitimate use,
confused by
A FEW PICTURES

By WALLACE GOLDSMITH

Executed by

GIDEON WURDZ
Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious
Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal
Gibe Society, etc., etc.

Cover designed by E.B. BIRD

JOHN. W. LUCE AND COMPANY
BOSTON MDCCCCIV

Copyright, 1904, by The
Robinson, Luce Company
Boston, Mass., U.S.A.

2nd Edition August, 1904.

To
MY DOG,
Who first heard these lines
And didn't run away

MAD,
I Reverently Dedicate
This Tome

"A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel."

Preface.

In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and pleasure, the
smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the wisdom, of nations can
scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the author has prepared "The
Foolish Dictionary," not in serious emulation of the worthier—and wordier
—works of Webster and Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the
parodist, who would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle
of fun to the shrine of their great memories.
With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been the
watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment of only
about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid, this treatment
has been, it is for the reader alone to judge. However, if from epigram,
derivative or pure absurdity, there be born a single laugh between the lids,
the laborer will accredit himself worthy of his hire.
In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference has been
made to other wits, and the definitions include a few quotations from the
great minds of the past and present. As for the rest, the jury will please
acknowledge a plea of guilty from
Gideon Wurdz.

ABBREVIATIONS.

Bet. Between.
Dist. Distinguish.
Eng. English.
Fr. French.
Ger. German.
Grk. Greek.
Lat. Latin.
Syn. Synonym.
Verb
v. i.
intransitive.
Verb
v. t.
transitive.

It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.

Distilled waters run deep.

ABSINTHE From two Latin words, ad, and sinistrum, meaning "to the bad."
If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)."

ABSTINENCE
From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard.
Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon."

ACCESSION A beheading process by which you may either win or lose a
political job. Old spelling, Axe-session.

ACCIDENT A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but
absence of body better.

ADAMANT From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character. Hence,
anything tough, or hard.

ADORE From add, annex, and ore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign
nobles who marry American heiresses adore them.

ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one
thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive." GOOD ADVICE
Something old men give young men when they can no longer give them a
bad example.

ADVERSITY A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.

AFFINITY Complimentary term for your husband or your wife. Sometimes
a synonym for "Your finish."

AFTERTHOUGHT A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to
shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

AGE Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day
book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid.

ALCOHOL A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets.

ALDERMAN
A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng. all, and
Greek derma, meaning skin—"all skin."

ALIMONY An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a
divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, allay money).

ALLOPATHY From Eng. all, everybody, and Grk. pathos, pain. Pain for
everybody. HOMŒOPATHY From Grk. homoios, same, and pathos. Pain,
just the same.

ALPHABET A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and
vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.

ANCESTORS The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox
in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.

ANGEL A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible,
with money and a heart.

ANTI-ROOMS Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.

ANTI-IMPERIALIST A patriot whose conscience works overtime.

ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and
now extensively used in the arts—particularly poker.

APPENDICITIS A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-
fashioned stomach-ache.

ARGUMENT Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain
and disturbing the peace.

ARSON Derived from the Hebrew. (See INSURANCE ).

ARTIST Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a
positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong
on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a
boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.

ATHLETE
A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood
or sift the ashes.

AUGUR One who bored the ancients with prophecies.

AUTOMOBILE
From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to
move, but frequently can't.

AUTOMOBILIST A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea
diver.

Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.

A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.

BABY
From Grk. babai, wonderful. Parents are yet to be
heard from who don't think theirs is a "wonder."
A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a
sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.

BACHELOR From Latin baculus, a stick, unattached. Hence, an unattached
man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.

BACKBITER A mosquito.

BALANCE Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers.
May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.

BANDIT An outlaw. See ALDERMAN.

BARBER A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts
hair. Syn. for Phonograph.

BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music.
(Those found in courts and in music are full of beats).

BARGAIN
A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday
papers and developed in department stores on
Mondays. Symptoms, loud talk, pushing and
shoving, a combination prize-fight and foot-ball
scrimmage. (Old spelling Bark-gain).

BASEBALL A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for
himself receives no praise for it.

BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of
the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat.

BEACH A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with lady-killers in
summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a haven—or heaven—for Smacks
the year around.

BENEDICT A married male.
BENEDICTINE A married female.
BENEDICTION Their children.

BERTH An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.
BIRTH An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.

BICYCLE-SKIRT A abbreviated garment that makes women look shorter
and men longer.

BIGAMY A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three board
bills instead of two.

BILLIOUSNESS A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.

BILL-OF-FARE A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by figures in
the right-hand column.

BIOGRAPH A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown with
tremors.

BIRDIE A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.

BIRTHDAY Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.

BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live
baby.

BLUE The only color we can feel. INVISIBLE BLUE A policeman.

BLUSH A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiognomy,
aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a predicament of
inequilibrity, from a sense of shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a
paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries,
whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become suffused with a
radiance emanating from an intimidated praecordia.

BOARD An implement for administering corporal punishment, used by
mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a shingle, a hair-
brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune supper.

BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled
honey and untroubled by consistency, convention, conscience or cash. A
land to which many are called and few chosen.
BONE One Dollar—the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who had to
give up one bone before he got Eve.

BONNETS A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter part of Lent
and breaks out on Easter.

BOODLE Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the
Graft family.

BORROW v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.

BOWER A shady retreat, in general.
BOWERY A shady retreat in New York.

BRACE Security for the trousers.
BRACER Security for the stomach.
BRACELET Security for the pawn-broker.

BRAIN The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the
Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters—Sarah Brum and Sarah Belum,
assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous, but are always
confined to their cells. The Brain is done in gray and white, and furnished
with light and heat, hot or cold water, (if desired), with regular connections
to the outside world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the

Intellect Bros.,—Thoughts and Ideas—as an Intelligence Office, but
sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.

BRAND Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can be found
on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, black bottle.

BRASS BAND A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for
holding a crowd together.

BRICK An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and possessing
plenty of sand. What your friends call you before you go to the wall—but
never afterward.

BRIMSTONE A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth and
smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.

BREVITY A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but not in the
fireworks.

BROKE A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too much
bent on speculating.

BUM A fallen tough.
BUMP A tough fall.

BUNCO The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.

BY-STANDER One who is injured in a street fight.

People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket—try an incubator.

CAB Affair for a drive.
CABBY Driver for a fare.

CACHINNATION
The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.

CADDIE A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls for others
and find them for himself.

CAFE A place where the public pays the proprietor for the privilege of
tipping the waiters for something to eat.

CAJOLE v. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and Eng. jolly, to jolly beautifully.

CALCIUM An earthly light that brightens even the stars.

CANNIBAL A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.

CAPTIVATE From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or empty,—to empty
the head. Note, Women who have captivated men.

CAPE A neck in the sea.
CAPER A foot in the air.

CARNEGIE-ITIS
A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast furnace,
developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in American public

libraries.

CART v. t., To take off.
CARTOON The take-off.

CAULIFLOWER A Cabbage with a college education.

CAVALRY That arm of the military service that engages in the real hoss-
tilities.

CEMETERY The one place where princes and paupers, porters and
presidents are finally on the dead level.

CHAMPAGNE The stuff that makes the world go round.

CHAIR Four-legged aid to the injured.
CHARITY Forehanded aid to the indigent.

CHAUFFEUR A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but
clever enough not to own one.

CHRISTIAN A member of any orthodox church.

CHRISTMAS A widely observed holiday on which the past nor the future is
of so much interest as the present.

CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.

CIGARETTE A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and
still more insist should never be exhaled.

CINDER One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.

CIVILIZATION An upward growth or tendency that has enabled mankind
to develop the college yell from what was once only a feeble war-whoop.

COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.

COLLEGE From Fr. colle, pasted or stuck, and etude, study. A place where
everyone is stuck on study. (?)

COLONEL
A male resident of Kentucky.
See KERNEL.

COMPLIMENT v. t., From Eng. con,—hot air, and Lat. pleo, to fill. Hence,
to fill with hot air.

COMPLEXION Color for the face. From Eng. complex, difficult, and shun,
to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist.

COMMENDATION From Eng. con, a josh, and mend, to fix up. Hence, a
fixed-up josh.

CONDUCTOR From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco, to command. One who
commands the coin.

CONSCIENCE The fear of being found out.

COOK A charitable institution, providing food and shelter for Policemen.

CORPS A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples and corps
found in arms).

CORSET From Fr. corps, shape, and sec, rough. Rough on the shape.

COSMETIC A new face-maker. From Grk. kosmos, order, and Eng. medic,
or doctor,—ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)

COT A snooze for one.
COTILLON A dance for eight.

CREDIT Something for nothing.
CREDITOR Something with nothing.

CREDULITY A feminine virtue and a masculine vice.

CREMATION A means of disposing of the dead likely to become very
popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the last retort.

CRITIC A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.

CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A Misfit in
the Straight and Narrow Way.

CROW A bird that never complains without caws.

CULTURE A degree of mental development that produces tailor-made
women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.

CUPID A driver of sharp darts.
CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals.

CYNIC A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.

Out of fight, out of coin.—The Pugilist's Plaint.

DABBLE v. t., To play in water.
DABBLE IN STOCKS—Same thing.

DACHSHUND A low-down dog.

DANCE A brisk, physical exercise, invented by St. Vitus.

DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the
leaves of history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, which are often associated).

DEAD Without life. See Boston.
DEADER Pompeii.

DEADEST Philadelphia.

DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by sponging it.

DEBT A big word beginning with Owe, which grows bigger the more it is
contracted.

DEE-LIGHTED
An Oyster Bay localism, derived from delighted.

(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word are, until March 4, 1905, the exclusive
property of T. Roosevelt, Esq., Subsequent editions of The Foolish Dictionary
will define the word at length).

DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to loaf, and Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer.

DEMAGOGUE From Grk. demos, people, and Eng. gag. One who gags the
people.

DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard
Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and on the
south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.

DEN A cavity.
DENT To punch.
DENTIST One who punches the face and fills cavities.

DEUCE An honest card, in fact the only one that is never known to beat tray.

DEVIL
An old rascal mentioned in the Bible, now reported
engaged to Mary McLane.

DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which sometimes renders a woman
stone-blind to the defects of the man proffering it.

DIARY An honest autobiography. A good keepsake, but a bad give-away.

DIGNITY A narrow, unstable bearing which mental spindle-shanks try to
stand upon when they have no other support.

DICKENS An author; polite term for the devil.

DIE An effect.
DIET Frequently a cause.

DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a pretty woman's smile.

DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber
neck.

DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of goods.

DISCRETION An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut
up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely
agree with your views," to the large, strong one.

DIVE A gambler's retreat.
DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward.

DIVORCE Nominally, separation of husband and wife from the bonds of
matrimony. In the vicinity of Newport it is frequently a legal formula that
immediately precedes a fashionable wedding.

DOCK A place for laying up.
DOCTOR One who lays you up.

DREAM What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested
it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because
they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.

DRAFT (DRAUGHT) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's
bill.

DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men
from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist.

DRUM Something noisy, and made to beat.
DRUMMER Something noisy, but impossible to beat. From the Grk.
drimus, meaning sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always carries its
point and sticks whoever it can.

DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.

DYNAMITE
The peroration of an anarchist's argument.

DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad temper.

Out of sight, only in mind.—Ballad of the Blind Beggar.

A word to the wise is useless.

EAGLE The national bird of a Christian country; (the United States.)
Presumably chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.

EARL A title of nobility.
EARLY A title of stupidity. See old saw,
"Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man a farmer!"

EARTH
A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.

ECHO The only thing that can cheat a woman out of the last word.

ECONOMY Denying ourselves a necessary to-day in order to buy a luxury
to-morrow.

EGG

A wholesome, yet fowl, product, of no use until
broken. Sometimes a cure for indigestion or bad
acting.

ELECTION
A periodical picnic for the American People. Held
in booths, where the Voter puts in his ballot, and
The Machine elects whatever it chooses. A day
when the lowliest may make their mark and even
beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets
promiscuous and everything is full—particularly
the lodging-houses.

ENCORE A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth.
From the Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig,—common among pigs.

ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes
the real hostilities.

ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times as much as he believes and
believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.

EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies
beneath.

EQUATOR

An imaginary line around the earth. Recently held
by J.P. Morgan.

ERR To make a mistake.
ERRATIC Full of mistakes.

ETHER One of the world's three great composers—the others being Gas and
Chloroform—whose airs are popular among the suffering.

ETIQUETTE A convenient code of conduct which makes Lying a virtue and
Snobbishness a righteous deed.

EVOLUTION A clever trick performed by one Darwin, who made a monkey
of Adam.

EXCURSION From ex. former, and Grk. kairo, to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome
journey—formerly an enjoyment—sold at half price.

EXERCISE Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 gymnasium, a ten-acre lot
and impossible raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub and the wood-
pile.

EXPANSION A combination of Grand Larceny and Piracy, involving the
destruction of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.—Boston.
The benevolent assimilation of previously oppressed peoples—Washington,
D.C.
A doubtful commercial experiment.—Wall Street.

The white man's burden.—Kipling.

EXPLOSION A good chance to begin at the bottom and work up.

EXPOSITION An overgrown Department Store, usually opened a year or
two behind time.

It's never too late to spend.

A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.

FACE A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and
scalp, and full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop of the male face is hair,
harvested daily by a lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, spinach or
full lace curtains. The female face product is powder, whence the
expression, "Shoot off your face." Each is supplied with lamps, snufflers
and bread boxes.

FAILURE The quickest method known for making money.

FEINT A pugilist's bluff.
FAINT A woman's bluff.

FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an ear-ache becomes a
Symphony Concert, a broken finger a diamond ring and a "touch" an
invitation to dine.

FAKE A false report.
FAKIR A false reporter.

FAME Having a brand of cigars named after you.

FAMILY
Originally a wife and several children, a matter of pride to the possessor.
Now obsolete among the careful, or confined to the wife, a bull pup and a
canary bird.

FARE. The cost of a ride. See old adage, "Only the brave can work their
fare."

FAULT About the only thing that is often found where it does not exist.

FICTION. The Constitutional fiat that "all men are created equal."

FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the virtuoso who refuses to play a
real tune.

FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves that is detestable
stubbornness in others.

FIG Nothing. Note, "I don't care a fig," etc.
FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B.C.
and occasionally revived by Bostonian Art Committees.

FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some laymen to avoid falling asleep
in church on Sunday.

FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found in cities, in which are
confined harmless monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a Sardine Box.

FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of but not swallowed.

FLUE An escape for hot air.
FLUENCY The art of releasing the same.

FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color to the cheek, or hand, caused
by bodily—or poker—heat.

FLY A familiar summer boarder who mingles with the cream of society, gets
stuck on the butter and leaves his specs behind.

FLY-SCREEN An arrangement for keeping flies in the house.

FOOT The understanding of a girl from the west.
FOOT-PATH Chicago, Ill.

FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under the guise
of a reputable game.

FOREIGNER
One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk.
fero, to carry off, and enara, spoils. One who
carries off the spoils.

FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows,
patiently listens to a fool who does not.

FRANC Twenty cents, in French.

FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German. Derived from frank, open,
and fortitude, meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten by the brave.

FROST An old flame after the engagement is broken off.

FUN Joy.
FUNCTION Devoid of joy.

As ye sew, so shall ye rip.

Money makes the mayor go.—Proverbs of Politics.

GALLON From the Fr. galonner, to make tight. Note, one is sufficient.

GALLANTRY This word is now almost obsolete. It was formerly employed
to express a deferential attention on the part of the man who in a crowded
car gave up his seat to the ladies.

GAMBLER From the Grk. gumnos, stripped to the skin. And the gambler's
the one that does it.

GARDEN From the Fr. garantir, to make good. Hence, a place where lovers
make good.

GARLIC From Grk. gar, for, and Lat. liceor, to bid. Good for the biddies.

GEM A breakfast muffin. With the newly married, syn. for "a precious
stone."

GERM A bit of animal life living in water.
GERMAN
More animal life, living on beer.

GIRAFFE The champion rubber-neck of the world, and the longest thirst on
record.

GLOBE An all-round proposition which has furnished its shareholders a
living for several thousand years, though its stock is two-thirds water.

GOAT The honored founder and oldest inhabitant of Harlem, N.Y.
Elsewhere, not in good odor.

GOLF An excuse for carrying unconcealed weapons and a Scotch breath.

GONDOLA A pleasure craft which plies in Venice, at World's Fairs and
other popular watering places. From Eng. gone, and Lat. dolor, sadness, or
Eng. dollar. Sadness gone; also, a gone dollar.

GORE Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in French
duels.

GOSSIP Derived either from the Grk. gups, vulture, or Fr. gosier, wind-pipe.
Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe
from which every victim gets a blow.

GOUT The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the lowest
joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes.

GOWN From Lat. gaudium, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy forever; if from
Paris, generally an article of some Worth.

GUNPOWDER A black substance much employed in marking the boundary
lines of nations.

GUM A substance for sticking.
GUM-GAME A game in which some one is stuck.

GUTTER A school in which we may study the dregs of humanity or read the
reflection of the stars.

There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.

Where there's a will there's a lawsuit.

HAIR-DRESSER A linguist whose position in life enables him to do his
head-work with his hands.

HAMMER A small, busy implement carried by blacksmiths, geologists and
Knockers for breaking iron, rock or friendship.

HAMMOCK From the Lat. hamus, hook, and Grk. makar, happy. Happiness
on hooks. Also, a popular contrivance whereby love-making may be
suspended but not stopped during the picnic season.

HAND A much desired possession, supplied by The Damsel or The Dealer.
GLAD HAND. The beggar's plea, the politician's sceptre and the
drummer's ablest assistant.

HANDMAIDEN A manicure.

HARANGUE The tiresome product of a tireless tongue. From Eng. hear,
and Lat. angor, pain. Painful to hear.

HARMONY From the Grk. arnumi, strain. Hence, full of strains.

HASH ?
HATCH To develop eggs.
HATCHWAY Place for developing eggs; a hen-coop.

HAY-FEVER A heart trouble caused by falling in love with a grass widow.

HEARSE Seen on the dead.
HEARSAY Heard on the dead.

HEARSE A handsome vehicle in which the man who has always been a tail-
ender is finally permitted to lead the procession.

HEART A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, played by beats, and enjoyed only
after it is lost or given away.

HEAVE To raise.
HEAVEN A good place to be raised to.

HEDGE A fence.
HEDGEHOG One who hogs the fences. A Bill-Poster.

HELL Poverty.

HEREDITY The cause of all our faults. From Fr. here, wretch, and Eng.
ditty, song. The song of the wretched.

HEROISM
A transferable ticket to the Haul of Fame. Once
held by Hobson and Dewey, now carried by Mother
Eddy and Brother Dowie.

HIP A popular location for the retail liquor business.

HISTORY The evil that men do.

HIT A chance for first place, first base or first blood.

HOCK v. t. To "soak" what we least need. In Germany, they generally "Hock
the Kaiser."

HOMŒOPATHY See Allopathy.

HOOT MON! The Scottish National Hymn.

HOP To skip.
HOPPER A skipper.

HOPE A desire for better things to come that makes a grass widow willing to
try it again. Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes honored, but generally
extended.

HORN A sharp point.
HORNET Still sharper.

HORSE-SENSE A degree of wisdom that keeps one from betting on the
races.

HOSE Man's excuse for wetting the walk.
HOSIERY Woman's excuse for walking in the wet.

HOTEL A place where a guest often gives up good dollars for poor quarters.

HOUSECLEANING A domestic upheaval that makes it easy for the
government to enlist all the soldiers it needs.

HUG A roundabout way of expressing affection.

HUMOR An outbreak, either of skin or brains frequently branded as Rash.

HUNGER Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.

HUSBAND The next thing to a wife. From Eng. hussy, woman, and bond,
tie. Tied to a woman.

HYDRANT From Grk. hudros, water, and Eng. ante, to give up. Something
that gives up water. (A good synonym for Dipsomaniac).

HYPOCRITE A horse dealer. From Grk. hippos, horse, and kroteo, to beat.
One who beats you on a horse trade.

Home is where the mortgage is.

Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star.—Stage-Door
Secrets.

ICE A substance frequently associated with a tumble in winter, a tumbler in
summer, and a skate the year around.

ICEMAN A cool proposition who has Axe-cess to the best families, makes
his Weigh in every home and can take his Pick in the kitchen, if he leaves
his Chips in the street. "How'd You Like to be The Iceman?"

IDIOT From Eng. idea, and out. One who is just out of ideas.

IDLE Useless.
IDOLIZE To make useless.

IMPECUNIOUS To be in a state of poverty. From Eng. in, and Lat. pecco,
to sin, poverty being the greatest of all sins.

IMPERIOUS From Eng. imp, devil and aerial, airy. Airy as the devil.

INCANDESCENT LIGHT
From Lat. incendo, to burn, and Eng. cent, meaning
money. An invention for burning money.

INCOME The reliable offspring of a wise investment. From Lat. in and
coma, meaning sleep. Money which works while you sleep.

INDEPENDENCE Self government. Good enough for a Cuban, but too
good for a Filipino.

INDIGESTION A distressing stomach trouble that is sometimes temporarily
relieved by kicking the cat or whipping the children.

INDIVIDUALITY A harmless trait possessed by one's self. The same trait in
others is downright idiocy.

INDORSE To write on the back of; the best indorsed man in town being the
Sandwich-Man.

INFANT A disturber of the peace.
INFANTRY A defender of the peace.

INHABITANT A native of any village, town or city. OLDEST
INHABITANT The Champion Liar.

INTUITION A fictitious quality in females—really Suspicion.

IRRITANT Something which irritates. COUNTER IRRITANT A woman
shopping.

ISLAND A place where the bottom of the sea sticks up through the water.

ISOLATION From Eng. ice, meaning cold, and Lat. solus, alone. Alone in
the cold.

After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile-
And every meal's a supper to the Hobo.

Lies have no legs—That's why we all have to stand for them.

JACK An instrument requiring a strong arm, and used for raising heavy
weights, or for pulling off the boots.
JACK-POT An instrument requiring a strong hand, and used for raising
heavy bets, or for pulling off the stakes.

JAG From the Spanish word zaga, meaning a load packed on the outside of a
van. In America the load is packed on the inside of a man.

JAM
A pantry composition in A minor.

JANITOR From jangle, to quarrel, and torrid, meaning hot. Hot and
quarrelsome.

JELLY-CAKE Synonym for Belly-Ache.

JERSEY Well knit.
NEW JERSEY Well bit. (See Mosquito).

JEW'S HARP
From Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, a musical
instrument, the Jew's musical instrument being a
"Sell low!" (Old spelling, Cello).

JIMMY An implement employed by men of acquisitive natures who cannot
afford seats in the Stock Exchange.

JOB An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.

JOCKEY From jog, to move slowly, and key, something that makes fast.
Hence, one who makes the pace fast or slow, according to instructions.

JOINT Either a low limb from the butcher, or a low quarter in town; in either
case the lower the tougher.

JOKE A form of humor enjoyed by some and misunderstood by most; in
England, requiring a diagram, raised letters and a club.

JOLLY v. t., To "con" or "josh."
JOLLY BOAT The Ship of State.

JUDGE One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and finishes
crooks for a living, and swears continually.

JULEP An insidious friend from the South, who hands you a mint and gives
you a sweet spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.

JURY Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

JUSTICE Fair play; often sought, but seldom discovered, in company with
Law.

A chip of the old block—A daughter of the Tenderloin.

One man's meat is another man's finish—Canned Beef in
Cuba.

KANGAROO A hard drinker from Australia, especially fond of hops, and
generally carrying a load.

KATYDID A gossiping grasshopper who is always meddling in Katy's
affairs.

KEEPSAKE Something given us by someone we've forgotten.

KERNELS or COLONELS Articles often found in cores (or corps) and
frequently surrounded by shells.

KEROSENE
An alleged provider of heat and light. From Lat. carus,
meaning expensive and seneo, to be weak; expensive
but weak. For further explanation, consult Standard Oil
Company.

KEYHOLE
A frequent test for sobriety.

KID Either a boxing-glove or a first-born. In either case, hard to handle until
well tanned.

KILTS A Scotchman's apology for indecent exposure.

KINDRED From Eng. kin, meaning relation, and dread, meaning fear;
fearful relations.

KINDERGARTEN From Ger. kinder, children, and Lat. garritus, a
babbling. A place for babbling children.

KINDLING-WOOD From Ger. kind, youth, and Eng. linger, to loaf. A place
where youth generally loafs.

KISS Nothing divided by two; meaning persecution for the infant, ecstasy
for the youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and homage for the old.

KISS An indescribable something that is of no value to any one, but is much
prized by the right two.

KNOCKER A device on doors for rousing people; also, a device on foot for
the same purpose.

Laugh-in-one's-sleeve—The direct route to the Funny-Bone.

Two heads are better than one—particularly on a Barrel of
Money.

LACE Among women, lace means lesson; wherefore they combine art and
thrift by lessening the waist.

LACONIC Shy on words. From Eng. lack, meaning want, and connection;
want of connection.

LAMP A light.
LAMPONED To be lighted on.

LARD Fat.
LARDER A fattener.

LARK A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night hawks. Also, an early rising
singing-bird. (Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and "up with the lark," an
impossible combination).

LASSIE One of the weaker sex.
LASSITUDE Slightly weaker.

LAUD Praise for the Almighty.
LAUDANUM Prays for himself—after taking.

LAUNDRY A place where clothes are mangled.

LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary or
involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of external circumstances,
seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious
or fanciful nature and accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle,
cachinnation, giggle gurgle, guffaw or roar.

LAWYER One who defends your estate against an enemy, in order to
appropriate it to himself.

LECTURE An entertainment at which it costs but little to look intelligent.

LEGISLATURE
From Lat. lego, to bring together, and latro, to bark
or bluster; possibly from lex, law, and latens,
unknown. Hence, a company of men brought
together to bluster, or a company of law makers
who know nothing about law.

LEISURE From Eng., lazy, and sure; assured laziness.

LENT A Church fast that is slow to go; or something loaned which is slow to
come back.

LIE A very poor substitute for the truth but the only one discovered up to
date.

LIMBURGER A native of Germany strong enough to do housework; well
recommended for cleaning out the dining-room.

LIBRARY From Fr. libre, meaning free, and proper name ANDY.
Something free from Andy Carnegie.

LINKS Found in sausages and golf courses, and both full of hazards.

LION A cruel beast who never patronizes the barber and is always bearded in
his den, yet will furnish a close shave if you get near enough.

LOBSTER
The edible lobster is found off the New England Coast.
The two-legged species is found everywhere. All kinds
are green, but when roasted turn a bright red.
Soubrettes are very dependent on both varieties for a
living; together they furnish her with food, raiment,
flats, diamonds, and occasionally indigestion.

LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get
beans at home.

LOVE A man's insane desire to become a woman's meal-ticket.

LOVER An ardent admirer who says, "Yes, dearest, I will shovel the snow of
the lake so that we can go skating!" and, after marriage remarks, "What!

Shovel the snow off the walk for you? Well, I should say not! I'm no chore
boy."

Hell is paved with good intentions—also asbestos.

A fool and his wife are soon parted.
See Alimony.

MAGAZINE A receptacle for explosives, literary or mechanical.

MAGNATE One who can float capital in a considerable body of water. From
Lat. magnus, great, and nator, to swim; a great swimmer.

MAIDEN LADY A term applied to an old maid by those who wish to avoid
hurting her feelings.

MALT A humble grain which often gets into a ferment, cools off and
becomes Stout in its old age.

MAN Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then three, but
the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking terms with the head waiter.

MANICURE The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails.

MANNERS A difficult symphony in the key of B natural.

MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In the United States, only Twain.

MASCULINE From Grk. maskos, girl, and eukolos, easy. Easy for the girls.

MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in.

MATRIMONY A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying
to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one.
Both halves are eminently successful.

MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely
surrounded by booze.

MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your wallet.
"Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"

MELODEON An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but
unpopular next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without. Warranted
without melody.

MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mixture, and Ger. riechen, to smell. A
mixture of smells.

MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail, and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One
who fails to arrive.

METER The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"

MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind.

MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar.

MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every city.

MIRACLE A woman who won't talk.

MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH MIST A cloudburst.

MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when she
knows she is going to make it chilly for him.

MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity.

MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk. monux,
swift-footed, and polloi, the people. A swift kick for the people.

MOON The only lighting monopoly that never made money.

MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. gag, to choke. A lawyer's
invention for choking property to death.

MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to make us think better of
flies.

MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And the only
ones who try to get him out are his enemies.

MOUSE
The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.

All gone to 6's and 7's—Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.

Time and tide wait for no man—But time always stands still for
a woman of thirty.

NATURE The author of "The Seasons," an interesting work over which
Spring pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns the leaves while Winter
catches the drift of it all.

NECK A close connection between chin and chest, used for the display of
linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, hunger and

thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.

NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER One who doesn't.

NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your affairs than yourself.

NERVE
Breaking the hair-brush on the disobedient scion, then
making him pay for a new one. See revised version,
"Spare the rod and spoil the hair-brush!"

"NEXT" The barberous password to the heaven of the shaved and the
unshaved.

NIP Something bracing from without or within When felt in the air, it's a
frost. When found in a glass, a life saver.

NOBILITY A gang of foreign brigands having abducent designs on the
American Damsel and the American Dollar.

NON-CONDUCTOR The motorman.

NOSE A prominent member of the face family, usually a Greek or Roman,
who owns the shortest bridge in the world. He is often stuck up in company,
but frequently blows himself when he has his grippe. Principal occupations,
sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the

neighbors' affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for
others.

NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The substance of things long hoped for, the
evidence of things not seen."

NOVEL A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, though the yarn be well spun.

NURSE
One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in.

Out of the frying-pan into the face—Mothers' doughnuts.

Many hands make light work—also a good Jackpot.

OAR
A popular device for catching crabs.

OATS England's horse-feed, America's breakfast and Scotland's table-d'hote.

OATH A form of speech that has many trials in court, but is never tried in
Sunday School.

OBESITY
A surplus gone to waist.

OCEAN An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night along the
coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a fury because so
frequently crossed, and has his barks in every port. At sea, the king of the
elements; on shore, a mere surf.

OLEOMARGARINE The White Bread's Burden. From Eng. olio, a
mixture, and Grk. margino, to be furious. A furious mixture.

OMNIBUS A test for Patience, still popular in England. From Grk. oneiros,
dream, and baino, to go or move. A dream of motion.

ONION The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom, garlic
and cabbage being close rivals.

OPERA A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet always
sings its own praises. GRAND OPERA An excuse for displaying several
boxes of jewelry and peaches with pedigrees.

OPINION The prodigal son of Thought. PUBLIC OPINION The world's
champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a hard fought bout.

OPIUM The real author of "The Dream Book."

OPTIMISM A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea-kettle to sing
though in hot water up to its nose.

ORCHARD The small boy's Eden of today, in which the apple again
occasions the fall.

OSTRICH The largest and heaviest bird on earth, yet rated by his owners
only as a featherweight.

OUTSKIRTS The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with
decency.

OVEN The only sport who enjoys an equally hot time with or without the
dough.

Handsome is what hansoms charge.

Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.

PAIN A sensation experienced on receiving a Punch, particularly the London
one.

PALMISTRY A plausible excuse for holding hands.

PANTS Trousers' Country Cousins.

PARACHUTE
A successful method for getting the drop on the Earth.

PARAGON The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she
mistakenly married.

PARENTS One of the hardships of a minor's life.

PASS A form of transportation issued free to those who are quite able to pay.
PASSENGER One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Deadhead).
From Eng. pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up. One who has to give
up to go.

PARROT An individual who can never be held responsible for what he says.

PASTRY A deadly weapon carried by cafes, cooks and newly married
housekeepers.

PATRIOT One who is willing to take all of Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump.

PAWN
v. t., To keep property in the family by leaving it all with your Uncle.

PAWNBROKER A mercenary man to whom money is the one redeeming
quality.

PEACE A mythical condition of tranquillity frequently reported from the
Phillipines.

PEACH A popular synonym for Fair Woman, probably because the peach is
largely a skin and stony at heart.

PEARL A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a
lobster and worn by a butterfly.

PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination.
One who determines for the right.

PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.

PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today,
one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish.
One who barks to punish.

PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the people publicly a small
percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately.

PHILOSOPHER One who instead of crying over spilt milk consoles
himself with the thought that it was over four-fifths water.

PHILOSOPHY Something that enables the rich to say there is no disgrace
in being poor.

PIANO A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.

PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance—of remarkable penetration
and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its
point in whatever it undertakes.

PING-PONG A game invented for the benefit of furniture and crockery
dealers.

PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children
of a woman who might have married him instead.

PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a
correct imitation of a pair of icicles—and never succeed.

PLENTY A desirable condition that is likely to step out whenever
Extravagance steps in.

PLUM A fruit that ripens and falls from the Political Tree—but only after
careful grafting.

PLUMB To ascertain the capacity of.
PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a
piece of lead and gets away with the money—a process vulgarly known as
"a lead-pipe cinch."

POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the
better.

POLICEMAN
A never present help in time of trouble.

POLYGAMY A thoughtless way of increasing the family expenses.

POLYGLOT A parrot that can swear in several languages.

POSTSCRIPT The only thing readable in a woman's letter.

PRETZEL The bar-keeper's promoter.

PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes of the infant, Industry;
now, merely the shoe-lacings for the giant, Monopoly.

PRO and CON Prefixes of opposite meaning. For example, Progress and
Congress.

PRUDE A native of Boston.

PRUDENCE A quality of mind that restrains the wise boarder from trying to
find out how his landlady makes her hash.

PRUDERY A quality that displays a lack of modesty as a wig does a loss of
hair.

PRUNE A plum that has seen better days: the boarding-house veteran and
the landlady's pet; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.

PUGILIST A close-fisted party who is often roped in but never gives up till
he's out.

PULLMAN PORTER A legalized train-robber.

PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London, chronicling the death of
Humor.

Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill—Try gold,
silver, copper or radium—there's more in it.

Charity begins at home—but ends when you reach The Cook.

QUACK The Duck family's favorite physician.

QUAIL
v. t., To shrink—a characteristic of the bird when
ordered in a restaurant.

QUEEN One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a knave.

QUESTION Is marriage a failure?

QUEUE The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.

QUORUM A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on hand
when needed.

Faint heart never won fair lady—but a full purse can always
pull the trick.

Man proposes, then woman imposes.

RABBIT A small rodent, very similar to a hare, which feeds on grass and
burrows in the earth. WELSH RABBIT More like a string, thrives on
cheese and burrows in the stomach.

RACE-TRACK An interesting locality, where pools are bought and sold in
books and the heat never interferes with the search for the Pole.

RADIUM A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging radial rays of radio-activity,
raised to radical rates and regarded as a ruthless rake-off in the reign of
riches within the arrayed radius of a raging, raving and raided race.

RAG-TIME Music pulled into many pieces—the invention of a flannel-
mouth to which many have cottoned.

RAPID TRANSIT A municipal myth, circulated for the amusement of the
long suffering—and slow moving—public.

REFORM In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked heat,
followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of ink in the
newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and a rush of blood to the
polls, leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the next campaign. In New
York, reform has been confined to a Low attempt at government.

REFORMER One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of
the bag.

REGISTER
The only autograph album which it costs you
money to write in.

REGRETS An excuse for non-attendance at a social function. Occasionally,
an expression of sorrow; usually, a paean of praise at deliverance from evil.

RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who haven't the remotest knowledge
of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in this world who will be warm
enough without one in the next.

R.E. MORSE A veteran General who commands the largest army in the
world.

REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back.

REPUTATION A personal possession, frequently not discovered until lost.

RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annually—for a few hours—by a
rich New Yorker or Bostonian.

RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashioned on the first day of
January and usually broken on the second.

RESORT (SUMMER) A place where the tired grow more tired. From Eng.
rest, and Grk. orizo, to limit. A place where rest is limited.

REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union Card for life.

RESTAURANT An institution for the spread of dyspepsia. From Lat.
restauro, to repair, and Grk. anti, against. After patronizing, you're "up
against repairs."

RHETORIC Language in a dress suit.

RICE An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or the newly-
married.

ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first rank.

ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From Fr.
roi, king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of Grafters.

RUMOR The long-distance champion of the Human Race—a monster with
more tales than an octopus.

RUST Physical dullness.
RUSTIC Mental dullness.

Beggars should never be choosers—though the beggar often
chews what he begs.

A miss is as good as her smile.

SADDUCEE A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless, hence
sad you see.

SAILOR A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on
shore.

SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.

SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days.

SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.

SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.

SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.

SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.

SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook.

SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as
an "ad." for tea—and Sir T.

SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living.

SHIRT Every man's bosom friend.

SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities.

SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.

SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the
cake.

SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters.

SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds.

SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From Lat.
spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A burden for the fork.

SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by
every post.

STARS The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens for
ages.

STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.

STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.

STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If you
win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.

STOVE-PIPE
A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and
profanity.

SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except in
poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.

SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks have flown.

SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous disturbance of
the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot and rebellion. These
events are allowed by law, and the entry-fee is five cents.

SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in
cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching for a larger
target.

SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural cottage
and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the Iceman.

SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a
heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops,
liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily
rays and always has a shine.

SYMPATHY
Feeling for others; very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.

SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the modest business established by
Captain Kidd.

Fortune knocks only once at a man's door—And she's the
worst Knocker in the world.

Brevity is the soul of wit—and the sole charm of of a bicycle
skirt.

TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit, sews
you up and follows suit until paid.

TALK A continuous performance playing daily and nightly engagements,
with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family Circle.

TELEGRAM
A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and
carried by a boy in sleep.

TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos, murder. A machine
in which talk is murdered.

TENNIS A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side and
raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive them from set to set and
love scores as often as it's mentioned.

TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife blade dull
and a woman's tongue sharp.

THERMOMETER
A short, glass tube that regulates the weather—and usually does a poor job.

THIRST A sensation immediately following a short session at the free lunch
stand.

TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever he gets
over the bay.

TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon as her
father strikes oil.

TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired help.

TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures; a
large, green worm and—man. The worm doesn't know any better.

TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an artist who's a
hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women.

TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a feeling
of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.

TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able to carry
a heavy man several miles.

TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with advertisements, and occasionally
passengers, and operated by Poles.

TROUBLE Something that many are looking for but no one wants.

TRUST A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.

TWINS Insult added to Injury.

TWISTERS
An undesirable thing to have on hand.

It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood,
leads on to Fortune—But most of us catch our watered stock on
the ebb.

UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a shower—or pawn-shop; but, like
skating, never seen after Lent.

UNBOSOMED
A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.

UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable to strike
without warning.

UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.

USHER One who takes a leading part in a theatre.

VACCINATION Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.

VAUDEVILLE From Lat. vaut, good for, and villageois, countryman. Good
for countrymen.

VERANDA
An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.

VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice.

VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but rarely with
beauty.

VULGARITY The conduct of others.

A rolling stone gathers no moss—except at roulette.

But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.

WAITER An Inn-experienced servant.

WAR A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a small way,
would produce only murderers.

WATER A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak buyers.

WEDDING A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and the
groom is often sold.

WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry the
widow.

WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good people to account for the singular
attractiveness of others.

WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she golfs, too.
In that event the children are golf orphans.

WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form.

WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral agitation of the
nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into transitory activity,
generates a prolonged passage through space, owing to certain occult
ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs, breezes, blows, blow-outs,
blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from
Kansas Cyclone-cellars but frequently blended with Chicago tongue—
canned or conversational.

WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still slightly
flattened at the polls.

WORD Something you must keep after giving it to another.

WORRY A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every time the tide
goes out, that it won't come in again.

WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks.

It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.

A Ride goeth before a Fall.—
See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-
Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.

X RAYS
Ten dollars from a friend.

YARN An essential in fabrication—either woven or narrated. Mill yarns are
highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.

YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a cat-boat.

YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.

YEAR A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the other 40
are Lent.

YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.

YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.
YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the married.

YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke, too
tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.

YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its own
generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places of Earth and
with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.

ZEALOT One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to maintain
it.

ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.

ZERO Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a thermometer
or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.

ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The longest
way round is the drunkard's way home!"

ZOUAVE
The original Mrs. Bloomer.

Postage and Postal Information.

How to Mail a Letter.
After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope—round ones are
no longer fashionable—seal it on the back and write a legible address on the
front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a good licking and retire it to the
corner—the upper, right-hand corner, on the outside—never inside, as the
postmaster is not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If
it's a love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful
postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by all means have it
registered; otherwise, your debtor will swear he never got it. If it's cash for
your tailor, heed the post-office warning, "Don't send money through the
mails." Wait until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first,
you lose.

First-class Matter.
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress read,
and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also, postal cards,
where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you think your letter
should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a Special Delivery Stamp. This will
insure a nice, leisurely journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by
the cheap two-cent route.

Second-class Matter.
This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who
print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year, and pepper the land
with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate of one cent a pound.

Third-class Matter.
While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound,
books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go third-class
and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must also be left open
for inspection, thus affording the post-office employee a fleeting
acquaintance with something really useful.

Fourth-class Matter.
Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives, live
animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off a bad odor. The
last two do not include The Police Gazette or The Philistine.

A Few Mythological and Classical Names.
Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor.

ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering
business in Troy in 1180 B.C., but was finally pinked in the heel—his only
vulnerable spot—and died.

Long life often depends on being well heeled.

ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.

Bores have been the death of us ever since.

BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer that
made Olympus famous.

Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is willin'."

CASTOR AND POLLUX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from
Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose sister,
Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family by eloping with
Paris.

Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's no
sign he can manage a woman.

CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several snakes
around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.

When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's a
cinch he's not far from Hell.

CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to
the Other World—if they paid him first.

And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare
in advance.

CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and
arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.

But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a
decollette gown.

DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and
successfully operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son, Icarus, tried
the trick, went too high and fell into the sea.

A flier frequently precedes a fall—especially in Wall Street.

DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.

And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the unmarried
only!

HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk), an
independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting him.

It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all the
work it wanted.

IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a wheel.

And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.

LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves
and went to sleep.

Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag and keep
awake.

MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his shoes
and knew how "to get there" in a hurry.

Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in a
public thoroughfare.

MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold all that
he touched.

That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get gold
whoever they touch.

SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she first
loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.

She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish in
the sea!"

TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger
and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always beyond reach.

Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same result
—besides costing you the fifty.

TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and saw
the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.

Do not confuse with Troy, N.Y., where they only take in washing and
provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.

VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with
him.

But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.

Legal and Local Holidays in the United
States.

JANUARY 1, New Year's Day. On this day the Flowing Bowl is filled
—and emptied—and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three States and
Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode
Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian Territory there is no celebration.
The natives are too busy collecting good resolutions and bad bills.

FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday. (George, not Booker), is
remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the public schools,
are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry Tree and Breaking Up
the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt. Vernon on a Busy
Day. The Pride of the Class recites Washington's "Farewell to the Army,"
Minnie the Spieler belabors the piano with the "Washington Post March,"
and the scholars all eat Washington Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the
Ocean."

MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day, when the British
redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from Ireland. For
observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and put a bit of green
ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole—the green above the red. On
Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in the same place.

APRIL 19, Patriot's Day. A New England successor to FAST DAY—the
slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and Prayer. Now
used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season, Locating a Seashore
Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted Diogenes at his Tub.

Little drops of water,
Little lines of hose,
Make the mighty Muster
As ev'ry Laddie knows.

MAY 1, Moving Day. Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant.

APRIL
In "Dixie"
26 Memorial Days
MAY 30 In the North
A Symphony in Blue and Gray.

JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day. Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a
procession of the Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, a few of the
City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and occasionally
a few samples from a Wild West Show. For 24 hours, pistols and
firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America ad lib.

JULY 4, Independence Day. A national holiday, invented for the benefit
of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and toy-balloon vendors;
lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives; physicians and surgeons. A grand
chance for the citizen-soldier to hear the roar of battle, smell powder, shoot
the neighbor's cat, and lose a night's rest—or a finger.

LABOR DAY, First Monday in September. The only day when labor
works overtime. An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in place of
a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real silk banner and a
Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse.

THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November). A day devoted
to the annual division of Turkey—with Greece on the side—by the Hung'ry
folks.

DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day. Another national holiday, marked by
the following observances: Filling the young and helpless with a lot of
fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney fakir, who went up the flue long
ago; making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and robbing the forest of its
young; swapping several things we'd like to keep for a lot of stuff we don't
want; and, finally, putting on in church a Sunday night performance of light
opera, known as "The Sabbath School Concert."

Typographical errors corrected in text:

In the main dictionary section:
under ANCESTORS: parodox corrected to paradox
section title AUTOMBILIST corrected to AUTOMOBILIST
under BABY: noctural corrected to nocturnal
under DANCE: physicial corrected to physical
under ENTHUSIAST: belives corrected to believes
section title PHILOSPHER corrected to PHILOSOPHER
under PIANO: freguently corrected to frequently
under SADDUCEE: religous corrected to religious
under STOVE-PIPE: recepatcle corrected to receptacle
under SUN: developes corrected to develops
under WAR: planed corrected to planned
In the section after the dictionary:
section title CASTOR AND POLLOX corrected to CASTOR AND
POLLUX

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